What noise does a bug make when it hits your windshield in Moscow?

Splyat.

Did you hear about the Bed Bugs getting married?

The wedding was held in the spring.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If bed bugs live in beds...

then does that mean cockroaches and butterflies live in...?

What web developers like bugs?

Spiders

WANTED: Large amount of rats, mice and bed bugs

… as my current rental agreement requires me to leave the apartment in the condition it was when I moved in.

A fly feels a bug on its back

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks

"I *mite* be", giggles the mite

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly

"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"



^(I apologise. My bro just sent it to me and I had to pass o...

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"

"That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

Apple software doesn't have bugs.

It has worms.

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Little Billy is out fishing with his dad

When a butterfly lands on the boat and Billy smashes it. The dad exclaims “That’s it! No butter for you all week!”

A week passes by and they are out fishing again when a honeybee lands on the boat. Smash! Little Billy kills the bee. “That’s it!” The dad yells “Now no honey for you for a wee...

How many lightning bugs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but I don't know how they got in there.

What is the most dangerous bug at the moment?

The asymptoma tick

What kind of bugs smell the best?

Deodor-ants

99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code. You take one down, patch it around...

129 bugs in the code.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield?

Its asshole.

Credit to my dad many, many years ago.

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A family with a little boy is driving behind a trash truck.

Suddenly, a dildo flies out of the truck and hits the windshield.
To save her son‘s innocence, his mother goes: "Wow that was a huge bug!"
To which her son replies: "Dang, how is that bug flying with a cock that big!?"

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They say when you're nervous, you get butterflies in your stomach.

This really bugged me, so I had a surgeon perform an insect-ion to see if this was true. The results were extremely alarving. What they found in my stomach will moth likely make you feel sqwormish.

What do you call bugs on a game show?

Contest-ants

Where do bugs get off the train?

Infest-station.

99 little bugs in the code...

99 bugs in the code. Fix one bug, compile it down. 167 little bugs in the code....sigh.

What is the cheapest bug you can buy?

A Lo - cust

Do you know why programers prefer dark mode?

Because light attracts bugs.

What do you cal a rabbit with fleas?

Bugs bunny

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A bug is flying around and get smashed into a car window. What was the last thing to go through his head?

His ass.

What do you call a Muslim bug ?

A mosque-ito.

Adam and Terry woke up on the Oregon Trail with supplies for a month.

On the last week of the month, Adam fell ill. Terry on the other hand, was fine.

On the last day, Adam started to uncontrollably pester Terry because he thought Terry had poisoned him.

Terry was patient at first, but soon his patience wore thin. It didnt help that they had run out of...

what do you call it when a small bug doesn't wanna pay to get into heaven?

a protestAnt

My 6-year-old nephew asked me to post his joke.

Two flies riding on a motorbike.

One says to the other: Stop! Stop! A bug just flew into my eye.









Sorry

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When I was a kid, I was terrified of earwigs because I thought they were bugs that crawled in your ears.

Imagine my reaction when I heard about cockroaches.

What do you get when you cross a spider and a squirrel?

A bug that will climb your leg and eat your nuts

People who can't distinguish between etymology and entomology,

bug me in ways I cannot put into words.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johnny has the day off from school and is bugging his mom

Johnny: mom, I'm bored I want to do something.

Mom: See those construction workers building that house across the street? Why don't you go over there and see what they are doing, maybe you'll learn something.

So Johnny does what his mom told him and spends all day across the street. He...

My friend and I opened a gym for ants.

He thinks the business is failing and quit this morning but I’m still working out the bugs.

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My wife has been bugging me about my constipation issue lately

I don't give a shit.

A moth walks into a gynecologist's office.

He sits down, put his legs in the stirrups and everything.


"Doc, I feel terrible. I think my wife is cheating on me. Sometimes I come home and I feel like I see other moths flying out the backyard.

I think my boy's on drugs. I found a lighter and some paper in his room the other...

If life is just a game, then mosquitos aren’t bugs

They’re features

What did the Australian say to the bug with great vision?

Good eye, mite

Why does Bugs Bunny like Lola Bunny so much?

She's a friend with bunny feets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher is talking to her kids about covid 19.

She asks them if anyone can explain what germs are? Little Susie speaks up and says they're like little bugs that you can catch from other people that can make you sick.


The teacher says, that's perfect. Now can anyone tell me why we should wash our hands? Little Timmy excitedly raises...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Lorena Bobbitt famously cut off her husbands wiener and drove across town with it, she decided to throw it out the car window and when she did it hit the windshield of the car behind her with 2 old ladies in it, the driver said “what kind of bug was that!?” and the passenger said,..

“I don’t know but did you see the dick on that thing?!”

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A bug pimp is a lot like Adolf Hitler

One brings holocausts and the other ho locusts.

Thanks I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitresses.

In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types.

But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Knock knock. "Who's there?" Pizza. "Pizza who?"

Pete's a fucking asshole. He promised me that he would cover my shifts during this outbreak, but apparently we weren't eligible for government benefits due to some shady shit in his past. So instead of handling it like a GOOD ~~manager~~ HUMAN BEING, he decides to double up my shifts. Which, of cour...

The librarian and the chicken

There was a librarian who worked at the west town library for over 15 years. One day, on an otherwise normal day, a chicken hopped into the library, right up onto the librarians desk, looked her straight in the eyes, and said “bawwwwk bawk bawk bawk !”

She looked at the chicken, confused. Th...

There are two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.

Oh and weird concurrency bugs.

Oh and weird concurrency bugs.

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I heard a knock at the door this morning, and when I answered it, a 6ft tall cockroach-looking thing was standing there, clearly very angry. He called me a prick and then punched me right in the face!

Apparently theres a nasty bug going around

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Unknown author so can't give credit, still pretty damn funny

**Scientist: Dick Bug**

Other Scientist: no

**Scientist: Penis Beetle**

Other Scientist: no

**Scientist: Cock Roach**

Other Scientist: fine whatever

How do you give relationship advice to a male bug?

You tell him to bug-her off.

A farmer had three sons.

One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car. His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'l...

Scientists have found crazed bugs on the moon.

Lunar ticks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a bug that's a sex offender?

A cockroach.

Calling your bug spray company "Off" is really smart because when your thrifty wife tells you to buy the "off brand" you'll still be buying the expensive name brand item.

had this thought last night and I need help turning this into a joke

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A man and his 5 year old son are driving in the truck.

Lorena Bobbitt is traveling in the opposite direction, and tosses her husbands severed penis out the window. The penis hits the windshield of the truck. The dad knew what had hit the windshield but wanted to protect his son from such a grizzly situation.

To cover for the situation he says, "O...

What is a pothead's favorite bug?

A Roach

Why are frogs always so happy?

They eat whatever bugs them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Duck Hunter

A hunter is out in the country one day and waiting for ducks to fly by.

After a while he sees a duck, points his gun and shoots it. The duck falls to the ground onto some farmland nearby. The hunter walks over the the farm and sees a farmer holding the dead duck.

"Hey that's my duck!"...

Did you hear about the lightening bug that ran into the bug zapper?

He was delighted.

People who confuse etymology and entomology bug me in a way I can't put into words

thank you for making my day, u/happy_guy23

I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.

I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.

What do you call a bug that hesitates before biting?

A nervous tick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy ran away to the docks and joined a pirate ship to begin his new life as a cabin boy.

He met the captain, which had a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch. The captain, glad to have another crew member on board immediately put the new cabin boy to work, mostly doing dishes and cleaning and such.

The young boy worked for a month without a single complaint, but the capta...

Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck we're in the middle of a robbery...

Bugs Bunny asked Daffy, "Is this whiskey?"

Daffy answered, "Of course it's whiskey, but it's safer than wobbing a bank"

I hate insect puns.

They bug me.

A salesman was travelling through the countryside,

selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men go to a bug farm

3 men get drunk one night and break into a Bug Farm. They start smashing away at the signs and windows, before each settling on an enclosure to destroy, killing every insect they find there.

The beam from a flashlight illuminates them all mid-destruction, and an enormous security guard appreh...

Did you hear about the dyslexic guy who was made homeless by a bug in Photoshop?

He has no fixed Adobe

99 programming bugs in the code

99 programming bugs in the code.

99 programming bugs.

Take one down, patch it all up.

111 programming bugs in the code.


EDIT: FRONT PAGE! HOLY COW! Thanks so much, reddit! Credit goes to my IT teacher.
EDIT 2: WE SURPASSED 1K UPVOTES!?!?! THANKS!

"Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing an insect buzzing around me"

"Don't worry it's just a bug that going around"

Did you hear about the bed bug band?

They mostly play covers

(OC my dudes, read em and weep)

Arnold Shwartznager just left his Hollywood career to kill bugs that infiltrate people's houses.

He is now an Ex-Terminator.

What is worse than a bug in an apple?

holocaust

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

I'm so mad! I found out my grandfather clock is full of bugs.

I guess it's like they say, time flies.

Scientists have recently discovered a new bioluminescent bug that performs a strange dance any time there is a full moon.

They are calling it a Raving Luna Tick.

What do you call a bug that walks in a circle?

A centripede!

”Waiter! What is that bug doing in my salad?”

”Trying to find a way out, sir.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bugs life

A mother and son were driving her n the highway. As they were driving a dildo hit the windshield of the car. Her son asked her, “what was that mommy?”

Not wanting to explain what a dildo was to her son replied, “It was just a bug, honey.”

The boy replied, “What kind of bug was it?”
...

What do you call a group of bugs in an apartment?

Tenants.

Why do bugs have odd beliefs?

They're in sects.

The ending is massive.

A shoe factory specializing in intelligent shoes contacted me, and asked me whether I wanted to try their new smart shoes.

It was free of charge, so I accepted the offer.

First, I asked the shoes to take me to the best burger place in town. And indeed, the shoes walked me right into th...

I met a tiny, alien robot that looked like a small bug. He told me his friends escaped their home planet, and found a home here. He was confident that his race would be OK.

He was Optimus Tick

What kind of web developer likes to find bugs?

A Spider

A journalist named John moved to a new city, where he noticed something strange...

Citizens of the city get a quarter for every bag of garbage they throw out!
John did not understand how this came to be, and decided to ask one of his new neighbors.

The neighbor told John that a few years ago, the city was not special at all with its garbage disposal system. Everybody di...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend kept bugging so I told her to stop she looked at me and said "What you gonna do about it".

So I threw my dildo at her.

It was a Dick move.

Bugs Bunny walks into a hospital

He asks his doctor “What’s up, doc?”

The doctor replies “Your blood pressure, Bugs.”

“And if I don’t get it sorted out?”

The doctor, visually distraught, answers: “That’s all, folks.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the sexy girlfriend of a bad programmer?

Bug's Bunny.

Remember when Bugs Bunny shot someone because he wouldn't stop coughing?

He did not carrot all.

What are American bugs attracted to?

Oil lamps

You know what bugs me?

The CIA.

Why did Arnold Schwarzenegger kill all the bugs in his house?

He’s an exTerminator.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anal Bug

So this guy, James, had an anal bug and he was reluctant to go to a real doctor, because of embarrassment.

After 3 days of agonizing itch, he called his English friend, Oliver, who agreed to help. Oliver came over and asked for Tea and Cookies, James got him some and was pretty pissed off at ...

We decided to call our dog ‘low priority bugs’

That way people will understand why we don’t plan to get him fixed.

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