Do you know what bugs me?

Insect puns.

”Waiter! What is that bug doing in my salad?”

”Trying to find a way out, sir.”

I met a tiny, alien robot that looked like a small bug. He told me his friends escaped their home planet, and found a home here. He was confident that his race would be OK.

He was Optimus Tick

What do you call a group of bugs in an apartment?

Tenants.

What is worse than a bug in an apple?

holocaust

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield? NSFW

Its asshole.

Arnold Shwartznager just left his Hollywood career to kill bugs that infiltrate people's houses.

He is now an Ex-Terminator.

Bugs Bunny walks into a hospital

He asks his doctor “What’s up, doc?”

The doctor replies “Your blood pressure, Bugs.”

“And if I don’t get it sorted out?”

The doctor, visually distraught, answers: “That’s all, folks.”

Did you hear about the two bed bugs who fell in love?

They’re getting married in the spring

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s the sexiest type of bug?

A WHOREnet

I'm so mad! I found out my grandfather clock is full of bugs.

I guess it's like they say, time flies.

Remember when Bugs Bunny shot someone because he wouldn't stop coughing?

He did not carrot all.

What are American bugs attracted to?

Oil lamps

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mother and her 5-year-old son were driving down a country road...

and suddenly a giant dildo hit the windshield.

Son: Mommy, what was that?

Mom: It was just a big bug honey. (Not wanting to explain what it was)

A brief pause

Son: Well that bug had a huge dick!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mother and her 5 year old daughter were driving down a highway one day when suddenly a giant dildo hits their windshield...

Daughter - Mommy, what was that?

Mom - (obviously didn’t want her daughter to know what it was) It was just a bug honey. Don’t worry about it.

*a few seconds of silence*

Daughter - Well that bug had a big dick.

People who confuse etymology and entomology bug me in a way I can't put into words

thank you for making my day, u/happy_guy23

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"

"That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

We decided to call our dog ‘low priority bugs’

That way people will understand why we don’t plan to get him fixed.

In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types.

But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.

What kind of web developer likes to find bugs?

A Spider

Did you hear about the bed bug band?

They mostly play covers

(OC my dudes, read em and weep)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was a kid I was terrified of earwigs because I thought they were bugs that crawled into your ears.

So you can imagine my reaction when I heard about cockroaches.

Bug in the Barn

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udde...

Scientists have recently discovered a new bioluminescent bug that performs a strange dance any time there is a full moon.

They are calling it a Raving Luna Tick.

Why are frogs always happy?

They eat whatever bugs them

Why did Arnold Schwarzenegger kill all the bugs in his house?

He’s an exTerminator.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family is on a road trip

When suddenly a dildo bounces off their windshield.

"What was that?" asks the daughter.

"It was just a bug, dear" the mom replies.

"Damn" the son says, "did you see the size of it's dick?"

What do you call a bug, standing guard?

A sentrypede

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did Bugs Bunny say to the rooster?

"What's up, cock"?

What do the brave men, and women who protect our towns and cities have in common with some very small bugs that get stuck in Edgar Allan Poe's hair have in common?

They're both Po-Lice.

* my wife kicked me out of the car shortly after telling you this joke. Crazy part about it is I was driving at the time.

Why do bugs have odd beliefs?

They're in sects.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the Japanese father say to his son when he got a bug bite on his knee?

You got an ichi-ni-san?

99 little bugs in the code

99 little bugs. Take one down, pass it around, 483 little bugs in the code!

99 programming bugs in the code

99 programming bugs in the code.

99 programming bugs.

Take one down, patch it all up.

111 programming bugs in the code.


EDIT: FRONT PAGE! HOLY COW! Thanks so much, reddit! Credit goes to my IT teacher.
EDIT 2: WE SURPASSED 1K UPVOTES!?!?! THANKS!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s the difference between a bunch of bugs and Dwayne Johnson’s personal trainers?

One is a group of cockroaches, the other’s a bunch of Rock coaches

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Johnny and his Bugs

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. ...

Honey, something's always bug me about the children.

-I can't help but notice out out of our eight children, Ben looks different from all the others. I know what to terrible thing to ask, but does he have a different father?
-Yes, it's true. He does.
-Please tell me. Who's Ben's father.
-You.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Highway Dildo

A little girl is riding along the highway with her mom.

When suddenly a dildo falls off the truck in front of them and hits the windshield

The little girl asks: *Mommy, what was that?*

The mom, not wanting her little girl to know about sex yet, answers: *It was just a bug honey....

What is worse than finding a bug in your salad?

Getting anally raped by a rhinoceros.

Seeing Paul Rudd and Tom Holland together really bugs me

Its make my skin crawl

Why did the dyslexic redneck break the bug-zapper?

Because printed on the zapper handle were the words "No More Insects".

I just got arrested for buying bug spray at a store

Apparently you're not allowed to get Off in public

Today, I played God.

I saw a bug, suffering. I watched it for a couple of minutes. Then I kept watching, and watching, and watching...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mother is driving her 4 year old daughter around town...

when a dildo slams the windshield *THWAP* and bounces off. The daughter, being young and curious, asks, "What was that?". Not wanting to explain a dildo to a 4yo, the mother replies, "Just a bug." Daughter exclaims, "Wow mom, that bug had a huge dick!!".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Horny glow bugs...

are fucking lit.

Any bug can hit a windshield..

But it takes some guts to stick.

Why was the albino, glasses-wearing man okay with a wizard turning him into a cool looking bug?

He was a pretty fly, four eyed, white guy.

How many bugs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two but the trick is getting them inside.

I was phoned by Rick Astley, who asked me to borrow some Pixar DVD's...

I said "Fair enough You can have 'Toy Story', 'A Bug's Life' and 'Finding Nemo' but I'm never gonna give you 'Up'".

Why did the 100 legged bug spin around in circles before attacking its prey?

To gain centipedal force

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A big rubber dildo hits the windshield of the family car

Daughter in the back says: "what was that?"

Mother answers: "nothing sweetheart.... Just a big fat bug"

Daughter replies: "it had a huge dick though!"

What do you call a cooked bug?

A French fly

What did bugs bunny save his word processing as?

Whats up.doc

Some friends who are software engineers invited me to go see a movie with them, but when we met up I found them staring at a centipede.

I asked when we were going to see the movie.

They replied that the centipede was a feature, not a bug.

Why do programmers and coders hate nature?

It has too many bugs.

Why is Pokemon quite realistic?

Because in the games, Bug-types are effective against Dark-types. Just like malaria in Africa.

What do you call a bunch of bed bugs?

A sheet-load.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Fred loves camping, but his wife absolutely hates it (NSFW)

Every week Fred bugs his wife about it but its the same thing every time, she refuses to go camping. Finally having heard enough his wife says "fine, how about this? I have a list of things that need to be done around the house. If you finish everything on the list by Friday, I'll go camping with y...

What do you call bugs that handle your money?

Fine ants.

Why do you never see any bugs in a church?

Because they are in sects.

How many ladybugs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.

QUITTING COFFEE

I'm trying to quit because I found out they're using caffeine as an insecticide now. They're spraying it over the crops in Texas to kill the bugs. I said, 'I'm putting that in my body every day?' Just to prove I'm wrong, the other night in my apartment, I took a cup of coffee, poured it all along th...

Fun fact: taking a can of bug spray to my phone will delete half my music library

by killing all of The Beatles

What do you call a crazy bug on the moon?

A lunar tick.

I didn't expect a bug to crawl out of my Meth stash...

But it just came out of the blue.

My car is so fast that it smacked into a bug and killed it...

While I was parallel parking.

A guy at my work caught a bug from a revolving door.

It's going around.

What's the difference between a bug and an insect?

Judging by Table 5's reactions, not a lot.

Two bugs are having a conversation...

A fly asks a small bug on its back "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"

The small bug replies, "I mite be."

The fly says, "Stupidest pun I ever heard."

The small bug replies, "What do you expect? I just made it up on the fly!"

How do you report a bug?

Because these ants are stealing my food at work.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Whats the difference between a bug and your mothers vagina?

Bear Grylls would eat that bug.

It's spring in New England, so I bought a high quality bug zapper to help deal with all those pests, and I woke up to protests outside my house.

# Blackfliesmatter