UPJOKE
insectbedbugmosquitobeetlepestchinchglitchgermmicrobebadgerteasepesterwiretaptapintercept

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Thats a Bug

\*\*Scientist: Dick Bug\*\*


Other Scientist: no


\*\*Scientist: Penis Beetle\*\*


Other Scientist: no


\*\*Scientist: Cock Roach\*\*


Other Scientist: fine whatever

99 bugs in the code...

99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code!
Take one down, patch it around.
127 bugs in the code.

99 programming bugs in the code

99 programming bugs in the code.

99 programming bugs.

Take one down, patch it all up.

111 programming bugs in the code.


EDIT: FRONT PAGE! HOLY COW! Thanks so much, reddit! Credit goes to my IT teacher.
EDIT 2: WE SURPASSED 1K UPVOTES!?!?! THANKS!

A fly feels a bug on its back!

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks

"I mite be", giggles the mite

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly

"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on a bug?

Dead ant. Dead ant. Dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant.

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What kind of poops do Stick Bugs make?

Dowel Movements.

(an original from my 10 year old)

99 little bugs in the code...

99 bugs in the code. Fix one bug, compile it down. 167 little bugs in the code....sigh.

I'm now convinced that we live in a simulation, and my ex-girlfriend was a bug.

Because she disappeared after my cash was cleared.

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A bug pimp is a lot like Adolf Hitler

One brings holocausts and the other ho locusts.

Thanks I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitresses.

It really bugs me when people mix up entomologists and etymologists...

I met an entomologist the other day and he had no idea where the word came from. I mean, really?

IT Bug

I reporter a bug on github.

Tech support replied:

This bug has been deprecated for 6 months
it has been replaced by a new bug.

What do you get when you cross a slug with a bug?

A Volkswagen

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What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield?

Its ass.

What is worse than a bug in an apple?

holocaust

Elmer Fudd and Bugs bunny are planning to rob a distillery.

Bugs asks Elmer “if it is whiskey”? Elmer replies, “yes, but not as whiskey as robbing a bank”!

I was in a bug infested restaurant recently and saw a guy pay a gratuity to a group of airborne insects…

He was arrested for illegal fly-tipping!

People who confuse etymology and entomology bug me in a way I can't put into words

thank you for making my day, u/happy_guy23

Every summer I get bit by exactly one thousand and twenty four bugs

My wife told me to get over it cause it was just one byte.

What kind of bug do you find on a long car ride?

An I-shoulda-pede.

Bugs Bunny meets a chiropractor

For the first time ever, somebody called the chiropractor "doc."

Bugs Bunny goes to a medical convention

He meets a cardiologist, and says "what's up, doc?"

He meets a dentist, and says "what's up, doc?"

He meets a chiropractor, and says "what's up?"

Arnold Schwarzenegger no longer kills people and now only kills bugs.

He’s an exterminator

The Life of a Bug Spray Salesman

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. *"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."*

The farmer was dubious. *"Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you...

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A mother and her 5 year old daughter were driving down a highway one day when suddenly a giant dildo hits their windshield...

Daughter - Mommy, what was that?

Mom - (obviously didn’t want her daughter to know what it was) It was just a bug honey. Don’t worry about it.

*a few seconds of silence*

Daughter - Well that bug had a big dick.

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According to my mom this is the first joke I ever told [NSFW text]

It's a warm summer day and an elderly gentleman and his wife are driving down the highway. They are in the midst of a heated argument; his wife has accused him of adultery. Although he is vigilantly defending his honor she is convinced that he has been cheating on her. Back and forth they shout, get...

Why do programmers prefer dark mode?

Cause light attracts bugs.

What do you call a really big bug?

Kafkaesque

What did the other bugs call the bug who wanted to be an astronaut?

A LUNAtick

What do bugs write on?

Flypaper!

What type of bug hates Christmas?

A humbug

In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types.

But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.

Why do bugs have odd beliefs?

They're in sects.

Some bugs are worshipping a false prophet

Imma scare the bee jesus out of them

All web developers hate finding bugs in their work.

Except spiders

Are bugs good to eat?

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

Any bug can hit a windshield..

But it takes some guts to stick.

What do you call a large bug that's very accepting of people no matter what?

Tolerant

Did you hear about the bed bug band?

They mostly play covers

(OC my dudes, read em and weep)

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So you know how bed bugs come from beds?

Have you thought about cockroaches

Did you hear about the lightening bug that ran into the bug zapper?

He was delighted.

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Johnny has the day off from school and is bugging his mom

Johnny: mom, I'm bored I want to do something.

Mom: See those construction workers building that house across the street? Why don't you go over there and see what they are doing, maybe you'll learn something.

So Johnny does what his mom told him and spends all day across the street. He...

Told a joke to a bunch of bugs

And I’ll heard was crickets…

Did you know that tree branches are the best tools for catching bugs?

They're very sticky.

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A mother and her young son were driving in their car when a dildo suddenly flies outta nowhere and hits the windshield, the mother trying to not ruin the child’s innocence says “it was just a bug sweetie, don’t worry”

The kid replies saying “How it even got of the ground with a dick that big amazes me”

Bugs in C code should be called fishes

Because fishes are found in the sea

Hey I seem to have picked up a stomach bug

So far just explosive diarrhea. I will keep y’all posted as situation can best be described as fluid.

What do you call a nocturnal bug?

A night crawler

What does Bugs Bunny put on his intergalactic PB&J sandwich?

Space jam.

WANTED: Large amount of rats, mice and bed bugs

… as my current rental agreement requires me to leave the apartment in the condition it was when I moved in.

Did you hear about the pregnant bed bug?

She's gonna have her baby in the spring.

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Horny glow bugs...

are fucking lit.

Did you see that movie with the bugs living together in an apartment?

It's about ten ants.

A German city is the first in the world to get rid of school lunches and replace them with a bug-based alternative..

A spokesperson for the school said that they’ve had to fight an onslaught of misinformation about the program like the ridiculous theory that world is controlled by lizard people.

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What do you call a Hungarian bug in your buttcrack?

A Booty-pest.

I've been bugging my ex-girlfriend...

I've been bugging my ex-girlfriend for a few days now since i wanted to get back and she's been avoiding me pretty badly.

The conversation went this way.

Me: Babe, why are you avoiding me like this.

She: you haven't caught the covid-19 yet?

Me: Nope, why?

She: Don...

What did Bugs Bunny say after beaming aboard the Enterprise?

What's up Spock?

Bug in the Barn

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udde...

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3 men go to a bug farm

3 men get drunk one night and break into a Bug Farm. They start smashing away at the signs and windows, before each settling on an enclosure to destroy, killing every insect they find there.

The beam from a flashlight illuminates them all mid-destruction, and an enormous security guard appreh...

What kind of bugs smell the best?

Deodor-ants

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Anal Bug

So this guy, James, had an anal bug and he was reluctant to go to a real doctor, because of embarrassment.

After 3 days of agonizing itch, he called his English friend, Oliver, who agreed to help. Oliver came over and asked for Tea and Cookies, James got him some and was pretty pissed off at ...

What is a pothead's favorite bug?

A Roach

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Lorena Bobbitt makes getaway

While leaving the scene of her infamous revenge, Lorena discovers that she is still gripping the disconnected member of that cheating ba***rd. She flings it out the car window into oncoming traffic.

Unfortunately it slaps against the windshield of a mom and young daughter.

Mom, !! Wh...

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A bugs life

A mother and son were driving her n the highway. As they were driving a dildo hit the windshield of the car. Her son asked her, “what was that mommy?”

Not wanting to explain what a dildo was to her son replied, “It was just a bug, honey.”

The boy replied, “What kind of bug was it?”
...

I am obsessed with bugs that give people Lyme Disease.

I might even be atickted to it.

On the seventh day God rested when He should've fixed the bugs.

Just came up with this after dealing with somebody's PMS.

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When I was a kid I was terrified of earwigs because I thought they were bugs that crawled into your ears.

So you can imagine my reaction when I heard about cockroaches.

Where do bugs get off the train?

Infest-station.

Did you hear about the Bed Bugs getting married?

The wedding was held in the spring.

A man goes to a doctor because he always sees bugs that playing soccer through his eyes

Doctor: "So we need an MRI scan. We couid make you an appointment next sunday".
The patient seems surprised: "Are you nuts? Sunday is the finals".

What noise does a bug make when it hits your windshield in Moscow?

Splyat.

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Johnny and his Bugs

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. ...

What do you call a bug on the moon?

A luna tick

You know what bugs me?

The CIA.

What do you call a domineering pill bug?

A controly-poly!

What did the Australian say to the bug with great vision?

Good eye, mite

Bugs Bunny walks into a hospital

He asks his doctor “What’s up, doc?”

The doctor replies “Your blood pressure, Bugs.”

“And if I don’t get it sorted out?”

The doctor, visually distraught, answers: “That’s all, folks.”

What are American bugs attracted to?

Oil lamps

Scientists have found crazed bugs on the moon.

Lunar ticks

Why do you never see any bugs in a church?

Because they are in sects.

Big GTA 5 bug

A cop killed my white character in GTA 5. Anyone else experiencing this bug?

”Waiter! What is that bug doing in my salad?”

”Trying to find a way out, sir.”

How did Bugs Bunny find out his girlfriend was cheating on him?

She coughed up a hare ball.

What do you call a cooked bug?

A French fly

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'...

Teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
“Well done, Roland," says the teacher, "can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie...

Honey, something's always bug me about the children.

-I can't help but notice out out of our eight children, Ben looks different from all the others. I know what to terrible thing to ask, but does he have a different father?
-Yes, it's true. He does.
-Please tell me. Who's Ben's father.
-You.

Why does Bugs Bunny like Lola Bunny so much?

She's a friend with bunny feets.

I think there is a bug in my Tinder app, I'm not getting any matches.

So I wrote an email to Tinder's tech support, but apparently they have the same issue.

What do you call a bug, standing guard?

A sentrypede

If life is just a game, then mosquitos aren’t bugs

They’re features

What kind of web developer likes to find bugs?

A Spider

I don’t understand how people are complaining about visual bugs in Cyberpunk 2077

It’s just your character’s cyberoptics malfunctioning.

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