UPJOKE
insectbedbugmosquitobeetlepestglitchgermmicrobebadgerteasepesterwiretaptapinterceptbeleaguer

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What is the last thing that goes through a bugs' mind as it hits a windshield?

His butt.

A German city is the first in the world to get rid of school lunches and replace them with a bug-based alternative..

A spokesperson for the school said that they’ve had to fight an onslaught of misinformation about the program like the ridiculous theory that world is controlled by lizard people.

The Life of a Bug Spray Salesman

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. *"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."*

The farmer was dubious. *"Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you...

IT Bug

I reporter a bug on github.

Tech support replied:

This bug has been deprecated for 6 months
it has been replaced by a new bug.

What do you call a large bug that's very accepting of people no matter what?

Tolerant

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A family of four are riding down the highway in the family car….

Dad is driving, Mom is in the front passenger seat, boy and girl are in the back seat. When all of a sudden a BIG purple dildo flies up and smacks the windshield and flies right over the top of the car. Dad looks at Mom, Mom looks at Dad, neither know what to say, then Mom tries to play it off and s...

Did you know that tree branches are the best tools for catching bugs?

They're very sticky.

All web developers hate finding bugs in their work.

Except spiders

A bug hit my windshield, I know the last thing that went trough its mind.

His guts

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Thats a Bug

\*\*Scientist: Dick Bug\*\*


Other Scientist: no


\*\*Scientist: Penis Beetle\*\*


Other Scientist: no


\*\*Scientist: Cock Roach\*\*


Other Scientist: fine whatever

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day...

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day. It had motherboards on the walls, the placemats looked like keyboards, the cutlery had USB sticks for handles, you get the idea. But the waitstaff seemed sad. Really, really sad. The host was sighing as we walked to my table – he was a web developer...

What do you call a really big bug?

Kafkaesque

A fly feels a bug on its back!

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks

"I mite be", giggles the mite

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly

"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"

The Story of How The Angel Went on Top of The Christmas Tree

Santa was having a terrible day. The toy factory was broken. Elves weren’t working. Mrs Claus was bugging him about something. He was having to manually make toys out of wood. He was over it. And just as he was hanging on to his lead shred of sanity, he smashed his thumb with a hammer.
And just ...

Some bugs are worshipping a false prophet

Imma scare the bee jesus out of them

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A mother and her young son were driving in their car when a dildo suddenly flies outta nowhere and hits the windshield, the mother trying to not ruin the child’s innocence says “it was just a bug sweetie, don’t worry”

The kid replies saying “How it even got of the ground with a dick that big amazes me”

My army of bugs is crippled. All my soldiers are much too short to be good fighters, and I require more bread to feed them.

I lack toast and taller ants.

What do bugs write on?

Flypaper!

Did you see that movie with the bugs living together in an apartment?

It's about ten ants.

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a 5 gallon jug filled with $20 bills...

He sits at the bar and asks the bartender about it. The bartender replies,

"It's the $20 challenge. You put a $20 into the jar, complete a set of three challenges, and if you win you take home the entire jar!"

The man looked at it and asked what the challenges were, because that much m...

Dad, are bugs ok to eat?

"That's disgusting, don't ever talk about that over dinner"

After dinner, dad asks

"What was that all about?"

"There was a bug in your soup, it's now gone"

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So you know how bed bugs come from beds?

Have you thought about cockroaches

For the smart people

People who don't know the linguistic difference between Etymology and Entomology really bug me.

What type of bug hates Christmas?

A humbug

What does Bugs Bunny put on his intergalactic PB&J sandwich?

Space jam.

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An ant, a spider and a centipede are throwing a party...

The ant realizes that they are running low on beer. He offers to head out to buy some more beers. The centipede says, "No, let me do it. You'd take too long. I have a lot more legs than you - I can do it faster!" The bugs agree.
10 minutes pass... Then 20 minutes, then 30, then more. The spider a...

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Johnny has the day off from school and is bugging his mom

Johnny: mom, I'm bored I want to do something.

Mom: See those construction workers building that house across the street? Why don't you go over there and see what they are doing, maybe you'll learn something.

So Johnny does what his mom told him and spends all day across the street. He...

A man goes to a doctor because he always sees bugs that playing soccer through his eyes

Doctor: "So we need an MRI scan. We couid make you an appointment next sunday".
The patient seems surprised: "Are you nuts? Sunday is the finals".

Told a joke to a bunch of bugs

And I’ll heard was crickets…

Are bugs good to eat?

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

99 bugs in the code...

99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code!
Take one down, patch it around.
127 bugs in the code.

Why does a programmer prefer dark mode?

Because light attracts bugs

What did the other bugs call the bug who wanted to be an astronaut?

A LUNAtick

I answered my front door this morning and was punched in the face by a 5 foot tall beetle.

That must have been the nasty bug that's going around.

Hey I seem to have picked up a stomach bug

So far just explosive diarrhea. I will keep y’all posted as situation can best be described as fluid.

Bugs in C code should be called fishes

Because fishes are found in the sea

99 programming bugs in the code

99 programming bugs in the code.

99 programming bugs.

Take one down, patch it all up.

111 programming bugs in the code.


EDIT: FRONT PAGE! HOLY COW! Thanks so much, reddit! Credit goes to my IT teacher.
EDIT 2: WE SURPASSED 1K UPVOTES!?!?! THANKS!

Did you hear about the pregnant bed bug?

She's gonna have her baby in the spring.

I fancy myself an entomologist. I have a way with words...

...when it comes to bugs.

Why did it take up until last year for Volkswagen to finally manufacture electric cars in the United States?

Because it took them awhile to get the bugs worked out

You know what I've turned into after starting to like bugs in my code?

A Spider

My mom said my Pawpaw would say this joke all the time in the car. They'd be driving along and a bug would splat against the windshield and he'd say...

"I bet he doesn't have the guts to do that again."

People who confuse etymology and entomology bug me in a way I can't put into words

thank you for making my day, u/happy_guy23

What did Bugs Bunny say after beaming aboard the Enterprise?

What's up Spock?

On the seventh day God rested when He should've fixed the bugs.

Just came up with this after dealing with somebody's PMS.

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A mom was driving behind a garbage truck, a dildo fell out the back, bounced off the road and hit the windshield. Trying to protect her son's innocence she said, that was a big bug!

Her son replied, it's amazing it could fly with such a huge cock.

In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types.

But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.

What noise does a bug make when it hits your windshield in Moscow?

Splyat.

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What do you call a Hungarian bug in your buttcrack?

A Booty-pest.

I am obsessed with bugs that give people Lyme Disease.

I might even be atickted to it.

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When I was a kid, I was terrified of earwigs because I thought they were bugs that crawled in your ears.

Imagine my reaction when I heard about cockroaches.

What do you call a nocturnal bug?

A night crawler

WANTED: Large amount of rats, mice and bed bugs

… as my current rental agreement requires me to leave the apartment in the condition it was when I moved in.

what do you call it when a small bug doesn't wanna pay to get into heaven?

a protestAnt

I think there is a bug in my Tinder app, I'm not getting any matches.

So I wrote an email to Tinder's tech support, but apparently they have the same issue.

I went to a fancy Italian restaurant but stormed out when I found bugs in my food.

Turned out it was the anty pasto.

Calling your bug spray company "Off" is really smart because when your thrifty wife tells you to buy the "off brand" you'll still be buying the expensive name brand item.

had this thought last night and I need help turning this into a joke

Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress?

They were married in the spring!

Did you hear about the bed bug band?

They mostly play covers

(OC my dudes, read em and weep)

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The Brilliant Solution

A soap factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. Six months and $8 million later, t...

A bug landed on Pence's head at the debate

You could say it's a pretty fly for a white guy

Nasty Parrot

A woman walks by a pet store on her way to work every day. One day a parrot in a cage is outside the door, and as she passes it says, "Hey Lady!". She stops and turns to the parrot, and it says, "You're UGLY!". Well of course it bothers her, but it's "just" a parrot, so she continues past.

On...

When I showed my friend an insect exhibit, he pointed to the most popular arthropod and asked what kind of bug it was. I had to correct him:

"It's not a bug, it's a feature!"

I don’t understand how people are complaining about visual bugs in Cyberpunk 2077

It’s just your character’s cyberoptics malfunctioning.

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Skydiving (long)

Once there was a man who decided to fulfil his lifelong dream and go skydiving. So he went to the airport and signed up for a class. Upon arriving for the class, he discovered that the teacher was an elderly Indian gentleman. (East Indian, not Native American)

"Good day, good day everyone and...

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A bug pimp is a lot like Adolf Hitler

One brings holocausts and the other ho locusts.

Thanks I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitresses.

My snapchat is bugged? (tech support)

Hi all,

I've recently installed and made an account on Snapchat, and have been learning how to use the app.

I've added all the people I know (as well as trying to meet some new people), but I think the app may be bugged. You see, when I snap my mates, it goes through the delivered >...

I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.

I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.

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Just failed etymology AND entomology class.

I'd tell you how much that bugs me, but I can't find the word for it.

What kind of bugs smell the best?

Deodor-ants

What do you call bugs on a game show?

Contest-ants

Scientists have recently discovered a new bioluminescent bug that performs a strange dance any time there is a full moon.

They are calling it a Raving Luna Tick.

Why do bugs have odd beliefs?

They're in sects.

what do you call a rabbit that has fleas?

Bugs bunny

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When Lorena Bobbitt famously cut off her husbands wiener and drove across town with it, she decided to throw it out the car window and when she did it hit the windshield of the car behind her with 2 old ladies in it, the driver said “what kind of bug was that!?” and the passenger said,..

“I don’t know but did you see the dick on that thing?!”

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For those of you that never heard an ending to Bender's joke from the movie The Breakfast Club.

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She sets the poodle down on the bar and the bartender says "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The blonde says "as a matter of fact, make it a double scotch on the rocks! I was just drying off af...

On the first day of COVID my illness gave to me…

An anxious uncertainty

On the second day of COVID my illness gave to me...
Two heavy lungs
And an anxious uncertainty

On the third day of COVID my illness gave to me...
Three tons of mucous
Two heavy lungs
And an anxious uncertainty

On the fourth da...

A man arrives at a hotel after a long train journey, exhausted. He comes into a communal room and sees three other guys who are drunk and talking loudly.

They are cracking anti-government jokes and laughing at Khrushchev. The man is annoyed that he can't sleep so he hatches a plan. He walks out into a corridor and asks a staff member to bring him a cup of tea. He then comes back into the room and starts talking to the noisy fellows:

"Comrades,...

If life is just a game, then mosquitos aren’t bugs

They’re features

What is worse than a bug in an apple?

holocaust

wasp spray

A guy walks into his local pub and finds the bartender out cleaning off the dining area on the patio and spraying for bugs. "Flying insect spray, huh?" the guy asks as he picks up the can and examines the label. "Is this stuff good for wasps?" "No," the bartender replies. "It kills them."

What did the Australian say to the bug with great vision?

Good eye, mite

What do you call a bug on the moon?

A luna tick

Whats the favourite Song of flying Bugs?

Pretty Fly (for a White Guy)

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