UPJOKE
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Flux Capacitor

Part of me feels really bad about this. I mean he's only a kid. He's really too young to understand what I did to him. But do it to him I did. I 121G’d the lad.

I went into an O’Reilly’s store last week to pick up some wiper blades. I had this young kid helping me. He made a comment about how...

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub.

Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through." So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??" Mrs. Riley replied, "I am th...

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A guy gets on a Greyhound bus and finds a seat next to an attractive lady.

They say hello and chat a bit, then the lady decides to read for a few hours.
When she finally sets her book down, the man notices the book is titled "True, Unusual, and Medical Facts About Sex".
He says, "That must be quite an interesting book."
"Yes," she says, " it's got some amazing inf...

Life of Riley.

A man says to his friend: 'I used to live the life of Riley; fast cars, beautiful women and holidays in the Carribean.'

His friend asks: 'What happened?'

His reply: 'Riley reported his credit card missing.'

A man goes to prison

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera...

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If a woman...

Buys a vibrator she is "modern and playful"...
But if I buy a sex doll ultra4000 with elastic latex mouth, 6 speeds of vibration real feel Riley Reid and 16 different orgasm sounds sorround system people call me a pervert..

My Irish friend was telling me about his uncle.

"My uncle's a cop, you know," he said.
"Oh, really?"
"No, O'Riley."

Teacher gave the second grade the homework to, "dream big."

The next day, Toby recited, "I want to be a computer genius like Riley Poole, and hack things and be a millionaire."

The class gasped in awe.

Tammy followed. "I want to save lives like Captain Sully, and be a hero."

Everyone cheered.

Jenna, the blonde, said, "I want to be...

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The bitch

A man walks into a bar with a St. Bernard and asks for a martini. The dog requests a double martini.
The bartender says to the man "So you're a ventriloquist. Big deal. We don't serve dogs in here."

The man gets up to go to the men's room, and the dog again requests his drink.

The ...

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''My God! What happened to you?'

''My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

''I got in a tiff with Riley.''

''Riley? He's just a wee fellow,'' the barkeep said, surprised. ''He must have had something in his hand.''

''That he did,'' Kelly said. '...

What did the cannibal get when he arrived to the party late?

A cold shoulder.

Courtesy of Riley from "Left Behind".

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