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Mike Tyson Jokes

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What do Mike Tyson and Johnny Depp have in common?

They’ve both had predators shit the bed.

What does Mike Tyson use to chat with the Pope?

Faithtime

Mike Tyson is a religious guy.

He punches people in the faith.

Have you heard what happen to Mike Tyson's strip club?

Do to covid-19 they're clothed till further notice.

What is Mike Tyson’s favorite rock band?

Kith

What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent van Gogh??

You gonna eat that?

Neil Degrasse Tyson and Mike Tyson have something common...

I don't understand what either one is saying, but I know I'll end up seeing stars.

Did you hear Mike Tyson got a concussion? [OC]

Doctors say it was blunt fourth trauma.

In before the comments: How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

Also, May the 4th be with you.

Did you hear Mike Tyson had a drug overdose...

He was pretty methed up.

What do Chris Hemsworth and Mike Tyson have in common after a workout?

They're both Thor.

I've found religion after meeting Mike Tyson

Dude hit me right in the faith.

Mike Tyson gets really upset if you talk to him about Norse mythology.

It’s a Thor subject.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would you call Mike Tyson if he was a villain in Star Wars?

A Tit Lord

Mike Tyson became a doctor.

I asked to book an appointment.
He said he could punch me in.

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?

Mike Tyson Opens a Strip Club

When they are open, the sign says: "We're Open"

When they are not open, the sign says: "We're Clothed"

Mike Tyson once tried to fight the Blair Witch right here in Maryland

He swung at her but he myth'd.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't Mike Tyson do drugs?

Cause that shit will meth up your life.

Mike Tyson vs a Shark for shark week isn’t fair

I mean one is a finely tuned killing machine notorious for biting its prey but the other is a shark

How does Mike Tyson track Will Smith in the snow?

He looks for fresh prints.

Why did Mike Tyson hire the Devil as his weight loss trainer?

He said he wanted to be a little thinner.

Apparently Mike Tyson has a tiger that he regularly plays with

That’s really irresponsible. He shouldn’t be messing with wild beasts of nature like that. I know he thinks he’s nice and won’t bite, but Mike Tyson has shown signs of aggression before

What did Mike Tyson say when I showed him my mold collection?

Growth.

What's Mike Tyson's locksmith called?

Keith

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mark Watney and Mike Tyson would probably get along great.

Both agree that poop is growth.

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an Itheberg

- Mike Tyson

Why did Mike Tyson's wife divorce him after his trip to Belgium?

Because he told her he had a great time in Brothels.

Why did Mike Tyson sneak into the bakery last night?

Because he's a whisk taker.

Mike Tyson said he was going to convert me to atheism

At least I'm pretty sure that's what he meant by "I'm gonna break your faith!"

How does Mike Tyson get rid of his meth?

By hiring a housekeeper

What does Mike Tyson, after he's finished baking, have in common with Walter White?

A methy kitchen.

Mike Tyson has written a book on Ethics in Massachusetts

If it's a success, he's going to write books on the other counties.

Why were children passing out at Mike Tyson's egg hunt?

Because he hired an Ether Bunny.

What does mike Tyson wear to the dentist?

A teeth hurt

Did you hear that Mike Tyson just got a job at Amazon?

He just really wanted to be a professional boxer again.

What's Mike Tyson's favorite holiday?

Boxing day!

Mike Tyson walks into the local crack house and says....

"Wow, what a methy place."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you describe an angry Mike Tyson after clogging his toilet?

Flushturd

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

He's got mace in his eyes.

Muhammad Ali, Mike Tyson, and Floyd Mayweather are waiting patiently for a glass of sangria.

If that's not a good punchline, I don't know what is.

Who was Mike Tyson’s greatest opponent?

The letter S

What did Mike Tyson say to the Mind Flayers who tried to recruit him on their ship?

I won’t be a part of your illithid activities.

Did you hear about Mike Tyson’s new show with Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman?

It’s called Myth Understanding.

If I were to become a drug dealer, I'd partner up with Mike Tyson.

That guy can really make a meth.

Mike Tyson was arrested at a 5th grade sitting bee his first time judging

The word was Dictate.

[Spelling Bee Contestant] Can you use it in a sentence?

[Mike Tyson] The woman said my dictate good.

Mike Tyson does one squat

Then the next day at work he always ends up calling in thicc.

Mike Tyson just received a graduate level certification in advanced calculus.

He calls it his Mathsters Degree.

How does Mike Tyson like his bath?

Grilled.

Mike Tyson is pretty non-committal and rolls with the punches

I heard he plays a lot by ear, too

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Mike Tyson is a jerk

Alright, so Mike Tyson is kind of a dick. He treats all the people around him like shit. His friends, his family, etc. One day, he goes to a restaurant and just refuses to tip his waitress. Little does he know, the waitress was actually a witch. To get revenge, the witch conjures up a spirit to curs...

What's the difference between Mike Tyson and DJ Kahled?

Tyson went down eventually.

I asked Mike Tyson who his favorite actor was and he said Colin Firth

And when I asked him who came after that he said "Colin Thecond".

Why does Mike Tyson refuse to buy playstation ?

Because he is an x-boxer

Mike Tyson wanted me to add him online

But I couldn't find him on faithbook.com

Mike Tyson fires a nuke at his maths teacher.

It was a weapon of math destruction.
I'm so sorry.

I saw mike tyson in the hospital...

Not gonna lie he looks kinda thick today

Why can’t Mike Tyson do math?

He’s not a prietht.

Why is Mike Tyson so interested in measurements in precision machining?

It's in tenths

What instrument can Mike Tyson play with a single finger?

A thimble

I found out Mike Tyson is Scientologist today...

I wished him a Merry Christmas ...and he replied "Thetans Greetings"

Former champion Mike Tyson is opening a marijuana farm...

Now everyone can say they took a hit from Tyson!

Mike Tyson caught experimenting with Methamphetamines...

He exclaims, "I was just mething around!"

What super hero does Mike Tyson most feel like after a long fight?

Thor

Mike Tyson is hosting a spelling bee

A contestant approaches the stage and Mike says, "the word is dictate"

The contestant thinks for a second, clearly pondering the spelling of the word. "Dictate... Mike, could you please use that in a sentence?"

Mike smoothly replies, "Well of course. When I was in prison, Maurice told ...

Who would win in a fight, in a boxing ring? Mike Tyson or Hellen Keller with a Tommy gun?

Mike Tyson, Hellen Keller never heard the bell

Why did Mike Tyson break up with his girlfriend?

EARreconcilable differenceth

What happens if Mike Tyson carries around Mjölnir all day?

He gets thor arms!

How much thyme does Mike Tyson put into his spaghetti?

About twenty minutes

I'm one of the few people willing to step into a boxing ring with Mike Tyson

Because I'm an organ donor, it'd be a charity event.

Why did Mike Tyson walk out on his girlfriend?

Because she told him she wanted to become a thespian.

Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer?

It has two bytes and no memory

Mike Tyson was one of the best in his career.

Yet Bill Cosby still had more knockouts.

What do you call Mike Tyson with no arms and no legs?

Anything you want.

I swear if anyone makes fun of Mike Tyson...

I'll whoop their ath!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking down the street when he sees an advertisement for his favorite boxer, Mike Tyson.

He stops and reads the text on the poster.

*Come meet Mike Tyson! First 20 people can get punched by the man himself!*

Knowing that he didn’t want to pass up this opportunity, he shows up to the ring, 45 minutes early.
The building was already packed full of fans waiting to see Tyso...

This is awful but what does Mike Tyson say when he gets the job as Death?

"I had my scythe set on you for quite some time."

Sorry I'm bored and just thought of this.

'Everybody's a gangster until they get punched in the mouth.' - Mike Tyson

And after that, everybody's a gangthter.

Did you hear why Mike Tyson stopped ordering milkshakes?

They made him thick.

Why did Mike Tyson bring his calculator to church?

He was invited to thunday math.

What did Mike Tyson say after going 10 rounds in the ring?

That was in tenths!

Why could no one believe in Mike Tyson's new boat?

Because it was unthinkable

What if Mike Tyson could use the Force?

He'd become a kith lord

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Porn is a lot like a fight between Mike Tyson and some guy in a pub

It's never gonna last the full bout, and 99% of the audience is only there to see one of the players

What is Mike Tyson's favorite thing for a woman to wear?

Thort thorts.

What do Dracula's girlfriend and Mike Tyson have in common?

They both go down for the count!!

Mike Tyson in Egypt

So mike Tyson is vacation in Egypt. He is having a great time but slowly begins to run out of things to do. A few days go by and he even grows tired of gawking at the pyramids. He’s searching for something to do! He heads to his local marketplace. There he finds a book on ancient Egyptian hieroglyph...

Mike Tyson once angrily accused me of tampering with his satsumas.

He said I was taking the pith.

Lady goes to a tattoo artist to get a tattoo of Mike Tyson on one thigh and Evander Holyfield on the other

The artist says "Sure, no problem. It's going to take a while and be expensive though". The lady explains she's a lifelong boxing fan and they are her all time favourites. She has to have them.

After hours and hours, and excruciating pain, the tattoo artist finishes and invites her to look a...

Mike Tyson recently recovered from a meth overdose and was interviewed upon his exit from the hospital.

When asked about the full story, he responded with,

"I was really methed up at the time"

A church sign says "Come Honor Faith"...

Mike Tyson starts giggling.

Mike Tyson is playing Jeopardy and the clue is "The part of a flower's stamen where pollen is produced".

He's the first to buzz in. Alex Trebek calls on him:

Alex: "Mike?"

Mike: "What is the answer?"

Alex: "You can't ask me, Mike. You have to give me the answer."

Mike: "I am! What is the answer?"

Alex: "You have to give *us* the answer to the clue, Mike, we can't tell...

So Mike Tyson dies and becomes a ghost. What is his favorite thing to eat for breakfast?

Ethereal

(A cereal)



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