Tim Jokes - 78 Hilarious Tim Jokes

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. Yo...

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A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

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Ben and Tim want to go drink in a bar (NSFW)

Problem is, they have no money. "No problem" says Ben, "I have a cunning plan. Take this sausage and put it in your boxer. We go into the bar, drink a couple of beer and when they come with the tab you open your pant and let the sausage out. I go down on it and they will kick us out and we won't hav...

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

John has 20 watermelons and tim has none. John threw one watermelon at tim, what does tim have now?

A concussion.

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A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and would be IMMENSELY good in bed".

Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts.

Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

Simon met up with Tim for coffee

Simon Said: „Wasn‘t yesterday‘s power cut a nightmare! I was stuck in a lift for 4 hours!“

„Oh, you had it easy,“ said Tim. „I was left standing on an escalator for 5 hours!“

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How do you get 30 Canadians out of a pool?

You say, “O.K., everybody, it’s time to get out of the pool!”

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Lawyers...?

Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding.

In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."
<...

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My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

Tim asked his bitcoin investing brother

For $10 worth of bitcoin

B: $9.34? Why do you need $10.35 of bitcoin?

T: I just want to start investing for college?

B: Ok, I just sent you $24.39 of bitcoin for you.

T: Thanks! Why did you give me more than I asked you for?

B: I gave you $15.43...

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What's the difference between Tim Howard and Jesus?

Jesus had 11 guys he could depend on.

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Tim the Chicken

Tim was a nervous chicken.

He rarely went out in public and spent the majority of his life trying to blend in to the background.

And this devotion to anonymity followed Tim through his entire childhood and adolescence.

As Tim approached his eighteenth birthday, his one friend,...

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There was a poetry competition final with two contestants, a university student and an old country man.

They each had 20 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu.

The student goes first and says " Across the desert sands, crossed a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination Timbuktu."

The crowd goes wild cheering for the poem.

The old country man then goes, "Tim...

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I need help finding a Tim Burton movie

I Googled "Tim Burton movie where Johnny Depp plays a quirky, androgynous loner," and Google told me to be more specific.

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Why can’t you compare millionaires Tim Cook and donald trump?

Apples and oranges.

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What's Tim short for?

He was just born that way.

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.

Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

Tim Rice and Tim Curry are going to open an Indian restaurant together.

They plan to call it 'Tim's'

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Timbuktu (NSFW)

Two best friends, Dave and Tim, died in a car accident and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the gate and said "sorry, there's only room for one of you." The two friends were unsure on how to proceed, so St. Peter made them an offer.

"I will give you both one word and who ever makes up the bes...

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Tim and Jake goes to watch a football game

Tim : What is that on players back?

Jake : Oh that, the players have written their name in braille to raise awareness about blind people.

Tim : Raise awareness about blind people. Who the fuck doesn't know about blind people.

Jake : Well the deaf have never heard about them.

Even Tim Cook would have been a better president than Donald Trump

But that is comparing apples to orange

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Tim Robbins told a joke...

I just saw Tim Robbins being interviewed, and he said “...I grew up in The Village, not far from here, the son of a folk singer and a musician...”

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George found Tim, lying beside the road after a car accident. Tim was crying hysterically. George stopped and ran to him.

"Tim! Are you all right?"
Sobbing, Tim moaned,
"Look at my new car!" pointing to it, wrapped around a tree.
"Hey, man. Don't cry. You can always get another car."
"But look inside the car."
George did and said,
"Aw, dude, that's terrible. But don't cry!
You can always get...

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Tim, Tom, and Long John were taking a walk across a bridge.

About half-way across, the three men decided to stop and take a leak off the side of the bridge.

While they were relieving themselves, Tim notices, "That water is pretty far down there!"

Tom wonders aloud, "I wonder how cold that water is."

John says, "It is co...

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Tim and John are hanging out in Tim's room

Tim tells John to look at him quickly. When he does, Tim has his pants down and farts right in his face.

John says confused "Why'd you fart in my face for?"

"I didn't fart in your face, my ass sneeze in your face just happened to be there," Tim says laughing.

...

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Tim's wife Shannon likes to yell at him.

"Why did you do that, for Pete's sake?" She'd shout whenever he did something she didn't like, which over several years of marriage, was quite a lot.

Until one night, Tim had enough. He left the house in a rage and didn't come back. In the morning, Shannon woke up to find a policeman at the ...

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Joe and Tim

Tim was a ticket collector in the bus...One day a heavily built guy named Joe entered and shooed him off.
This repeated for another two weeks. Pissed off, he started bodybuilding and in a month he had huge biceps
The next day Joe once again said,"Joe does not need a ticket"
"Why the f*ck d...

What's the difference between a good joke and

A bad joke timing

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why did tim fall off the swing?

cuz he has no arms

knock knock

whos there?

not tim

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John, Bob, Tim, and Scott rob a bank.

John is the getaway driver who waits in the lot. Bob disables the alarms, Tim unlocks the safe, and Scott is able to locate the marked bills. Bob and Tim leave the bank and John drives them away.

They got off Scott-free.

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How long, Tim?

Tim turns around in the locker room, pants around his ankles, "How long what?"

"Have you been wearing women's underwear?"

"Ever since my wife found a pair in the glove box."

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Tim the Conductor

Once upon a time there was a train conductor named Tim. Tim greatly enjoyed conducting his train around every day, and even though he had relatively poor pay, all was well in Tim's world. There was only one issue; Tim was a flat out *awful* conductor. He reduced the overall efficiency of all of the ...

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Tim is driving to work when a man wearing yellow suddenly flags him down

He slows down, puzzled.

"Just who are you supposed to be?"

The man replies: "I'm a yellow cunt and I'll be on my way if you just give me some food!"

Tim is confused, but being a generally good-natured man, he gives the sandwich he was going to have for lunch, and the man skips a...

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Little Johnny's mother was upset about her son's swearing habit, so she takes him to the church.

There, the priest is waiting. After finishing her own confessions, Little Johnny's mother talks about her situation.

"I don't know what to do with my son anymore, Father," she says. "He started a while ago to say swear words, and now he is saying one in every sentence."

"Why, I have ju...

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An upcoming director, Tim, is having dinner with two prestigious producers in a fancy restaurant.

The director sees Frank Sinatra in the distance walking into the men's bathroom. The director excuses himself and goes in after him.

As Frank pees in one of the urinals the director approaches him and says, “Mr Sinatra, I'm sorry to bother you, but there are two producers I'm trying to impre...

Little John and Tim were playing in the yard...

Little John and Tim were playing in the yard, when they accidentally sent the ball to the neighbors yard. Tim went there to fetch it, but after a while, he came running with eyes closed tightly.

John: Hey, what happened?

Tim: Mrs. Richards is sunbathing there, naked.

John: Yah,...

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Did you know Bill Burr has a brother that is a lumberjack?

His name is Tim

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Last words from Steve Jobs to Tim Cook

"When things start going south, when others try to change the way we make our products, when we are perceived as not innovating anymore...
you make a stand!!!"

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Why did Tim Cook go to the opthalmologist?

Because he had an iProblem

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Why doesn't Tim Cook build his own house?

Because he refuses to install windows

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Why couldn’t Tim cross the road

He didn’t see the semi truck

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Two construction workers are working in a building.

One works on the first floor and the other works on the 2nd floor.

That day the construction worker on the first floor realized that he needed a handsaw, so he yells up to the second construction worker and said, "Hey Tim! I need a handsaw, can you please throw one down to me!?!"

Tim ...

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It's easy to see how you get Joe from Joseph, and Tim from Timothy, but how do you get Dick from Richard?

Simple, ask him nicely.

What's Tim Cook's new nickname?

Jack The Ripper

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Some Tim Vine jokes...

"I tell you what makes my blood boil..... Crematoriums." "People with guns who say give me your money... you gotta hand it to them." "So I went to my local department store and said I cant decide whether to buy this bed or not. He said do you want to sleep on it? I said of course I do." "I refuse...

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Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole...

... when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “Whatcha doing, Tim?” “My goldfish died,” replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. “And I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a ...

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So tell me Tim, are you happily married?

Or is she happy and you are married?

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What’s the difference between my cock and Tiny Tim?

Tim.

Tim and Jack were argueing in class

Time and Jack were arguing in class when suddenly the teacher comes in and scolds them

"Now boys, I will show each of you humility, the both of you must compliment the other in front of the class" said the teacher

Tim goes first by saying, "I'm sorry Jack, I will never be as good at ar...

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What do you call it when Tim Drake, Dick Grayson, and Jason Todd go sunbathing together?

Baskin' Robins

The mind that calls Covid-19 "the Chinese Virus" on live television is the same mind that called the CEO of Apple "Tim Apple" on live television.

The punchline: It's not racism, it's stupidity.

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A friend in need.

I’m not going to say who…. but a friend just called and asked if I would loan her $400 to help pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I’m always willing to help out if I can. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, her brother called...

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Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Tim Kaine, Mike Pence and an elderly lady were on a plane

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Tim Kaine, Mike Pence and an elderly lady were on a plane that was halfway across the Atlantic Ocean on their way to America. Suddenly, the plane began to start shaking violently.

A voice on the intercom said, "We lost an engine! Going Down! Passengers take a pa...

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What do you get when you cross Tim Minchin with an egg?

Bill Bailey

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I just tried to follow Tim Howard on twitter...

I got blocked.

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What's the difference between Tim Tebow and Aaron Hernandez?

Aaron Hernandez knew when to hang it up.

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What cereal was removed from Tim Cook's breakfast?

Apple Jacks

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BREAKING NEWS: Patriots admit Tim Tebow hired by mistake.

After tight end Aaron Hernandez request for white Bronco.

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Tim was a fan of tractors all his life...

When he was young he had a tractor bed spread, toys and posters. He would tell all his friends at school of the latest tractor models being made and loved them more than anything. The years went by and eventually Tim was old enough to drive a tractor and so for his birthday his parents took him down...

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What is Tim Cook's favorite song at Karaoke?

"Hit the roooad Jack, and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more"

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number 5

I was walking down the street a few days ago I happened upon my good friend Tim. I waved him over and told him I had the craziest dream the other night.

Tim listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge, bright, number -5-. It was made of gold and shined li...

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Today Trump tweeted a weird defense of himself for saying "Tim Apple" last week

How do you like Tim Apples?

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How do you get into Heaven?

When Tim was just a wee lad, he went regularly to Sunday School. One day, his teacher decided to test Tim to see if he understood the concept of getting to Heaven. She asked him, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?...

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Katie O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Katie, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Mr. Finnegan but, where is my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Katie. I’m afraid to say it- there was a terrible accident down at the brewery as we were wor...

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A priest and a shepherd...

... from Australia participate in a gameshow on TV. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It's a city in Africa.

The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:
...

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I heard Tim Howard's daughters are all still virgins.

Cause ain't no balls getting past him.

A kid playing tag runs up to Tim Curry and says...

you're IT

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After traveling on business, Tim thinks it would be nice to bring his girlfriend a little gift.

“How about some perfume?” he asks the cosmetics clerk. She shows him a fifty-dollar bottle.

“That’s a bit much,” says Tim, so she returns with a smaller bottle for thirty dollars.

“That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complains. Growing annoyed, the clerk brings out a tiny fi...

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It's down to two guys at a job interview.

Both of the men interviewing are equally qualified all the way down to eagle scout so the interviewer has an idea. "The one of you that can give me the better poem ending in Timbuktu gets the job." The first guy stands up and says, "Out across the desert sand went a lonely caravan. Underneath the...

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The Sargent in Iraq was hearing troubling rumors about his men.

That evening he called them all out of their rooms and had them standing in a line.
"I been hearing some terrible things, men" he yelled.
"Apparently some of y'all have been going around with someone named Fatima!"
"I will not tolerate this kind of debauchery on my base, you hear me?!"
"...

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So Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter are to separate after 13 years together.

I wonder who will get custody of Johnny Depp.

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Tim Apple walks into a Washington DC bar and drinks couple of beers and prepares to leave

The bartender, a certain gentleman called Dump Trump tells him he owes $8.

"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says Tim.

"OK," says Trump, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

Tim goes outside and sees Bill Pornhub & tells him that the bartender can't kee...

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What does Tim Cook do when he's home alone at night?

Jack off

Shakespeare died on same day as Billy Bub, and are at the pearly gates.

(I heard this joke around 1980, so I can't claim ownership)

St. Peter at the pearly gates says, "I'm busy, so I'm considering 2 admissions at a time. Tell me a good poem using the word 'Timbuktu'. Whoever has the better poem gets in."

Shakespeare smiles broadly and says, "I am a great ...

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What do Tim Cook and the iPhone 6 Plus have in common?

They both made the news for not being straight.

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A man walks into a brothel

A man walks into a brothel one day and says to the woman: “I’m here to enjoy an evening with a young woman. Is this a fine establishment?”

The woman replies “oh absolutely! This is the finest establishment that you’ll find within a 300 mile radius!”

The man states “great! I have a 12 i...

Why didn't Tim have any friends while he was studying fishing?

Because he would just go home and master bait.

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