UPJOKE
terry clothfabrictextileclothterryclothtammymurphyrobinsonwalshdunnmatthewsrichardscolemancampbellclark

Terry Jokes

Hey, Terry

A woman walks into the Ipswich Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL yours?

"Yeah they are all mine," the flustered mother sighs, having heard that

question a thousand times before.

She says, "Sit down Terry." All the ch...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. “Terry?!” you say laughing, “Terry’s a girls name!” Without any hesitation, Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead.

You have died of dissin’ Terry :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You go hiking with your best friend Terry. Both of you get lost, and Terry is mauled to death by a bear.

You bury Terry in a shallow grave and try to find your way back to civilization. However you end up walking in circles and days later, you find yourself at the exact same spot.

By this time, you've exhausted your supply of water and are severely dehydrated. Then you realize that Terry was ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of Terry Jones and his passing, he is my favorite Monty Python joke

Drinking American beer is like having sex in a canoe. Its fucking close to water

Two prawns, named Christian and Terry are off on their morning swim.

Soon they discover a codfish caught in a six pack ring. Cursing the humans, Christian and Terry help the poor fish out of his predicament. Now freed, he begins to glow mysteriously.

“Thank you,” he says. “My name is Cod, and I’m a wish-granting codfish. I’d like to grant each of you one wish ...

Blonde guy gets home from work...

Hears his wife screaming, coming from their bedroom upstairs. He sprints up, and opens the door to see his wife laying naked on their bed, sweating and panting.

"Honey! Help! I'm having a heart attack!"

He runs back down the stairs and starts dialing the ambulance, when his son and dau...

Terry Pratchett fans, help me out here: Is Offler supposed to be *literally* a crocodile?

Or is it an allegory?

I was playing an updated version of Oregon Trail voiced by Terry Crews.

I made the comment that he wasn’t a good voice actor, and the game abruptly ended. Apparently, I died of dissin’ Terry.

What do you call your GPS if it has the voice of Terry Crews?

Crews Control.

My friend met Terry Crews and made fun of him so Terry beat him to death

The coroner says he died from dysentery

Terry Wingdings was the newest recruit at the police academy.

Look out world, there’s a new serif in town.

Two friends Sam and Terry are spending the day together

As they are walking home down an empty street they find themselves at gunpoint with a mugger asking for their wallets.

As they take out their wallets Sam says "One sec" He takes a 20 out of his wallet and gives it to Terry

"Here's the 20 I owe you"

I just found out that Murrah building domestic terrorist accomplice Terry Nichols is still alive at 67 years old.

OK Boomer

*Cowboy walks into a saloon and approaches the biggest guy there*, “What’s yer name partner?” “My names Terry.” He replied. “Terry?! That’s a girls name!”

Poor Nameless Cowboy.

Died from dissin’ Terry.

Have you heard about Terry the tractor lover?

He was the ultimate tractor enthusiast, his bedroom was plastered with tractor posters, his bed was adorned with a tractor bed spread, tractor toys littered the floor and tractor maintenance DVDs dominated his shelves.

Shortly after Terry's 18th birthday (where he of course had a tractor bir...

Adam and Terry woke up on the Oregon Trail with supplies for a month.

On the last week of the month, Adam fell ill. Terry on the other hand, was fine.

On the last day, Adam started to uncontrollably pester Terry because he thought Terry had poisoned him.

Terry was patient at first, but soon his patience wore thin. It didnt help that they had run out of...

"Knowledge is a weapon" said Terry Goodkind

which is why the cops can shoot you for holding a book

You’re traveling along the Oregon trail and you meet a man named Terry.

One of your party members says, “I thought Terry was a woman’s name.”

That party member immediately dies.

What did they die from?



Dysentery

Top 5 highest Paid Black Actors

1. Terry Crews $800,000,000
2. Bill Cosby $400,000,000
3. Will Smith $350,000,000
4. Robert Downey Jr $300,000,000
5. Denzel Washington $280,000,000

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scoutmaster

Dear Dad & Mom,

Our scoutmaster told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 Sleeping bags got washed away.

Luckily, none of us got drowned because we we're all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happen...

Terry's friend has a problem

Bob came up to Terry in tears and Terry naturally asked what's wrong.

"I'm attracted to dead people and I'm disgusted with myself."

"Bro." said Terry "Not only do I feel ya, I necro-feelya."

What happened to the guy who called Terry Crews muscles too small?

He died of dissing terry

I never try to make fun of a guy named Terry.

Because just like the people on Oregon trail I don't want to die of disen Terry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Canadian Joke: How was Terry Fox like Hitler?

He couldn't finish a race either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of Norm Macdonald, here is my favorite joke of his.

There was a fella, a little boy in school named Dirty Johnny. He'd always be a hellion in class and the teacher didn't think much of him.

So the teacher has an in-class project, and she says "Now this is what you're gonna do here, class. I want you to stand up, and tell the class a story fro...

We should clone Terry Crews and arm his horde of clones to wage war on our enemies

He could form the basis for a new milli-Terry

Sherlock Holmes arrives back at Baker Street as Watson is heading out of the door.

"Where are you off to Watson?"

"Oh, I've got a date with Ella from down the road. She left me a note for where to meet." Says Watson, "see you in a few hours!" and he leaves, shutting the door behind him.

30 minutes later, Watson returns.

Sherlock is sitting in his chair, smok...

I played Oregon trail and made fun of a guy named Terry. He stabbed me...

I died of Dissin'-Terry

Did you hear about the guy on the Oregon Trail who was shot for insulting the leader of his wagon train?

He died from dissin’ Terry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nurse doing rounds at an insane asylum

A nurse is doing her rounds at an insane asylum. She passes room one and sees a man talking to the wall. "what are you doing in here John?" the nurse asks. "I'm yelling at the manager for messing up my order!"


She continues to the second room and sees Terry walking around the room holdi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boom twang

A joke my dad told me when I was a kid.

It's a bit long.


Terry the truck driver was on his usual route when he spotted a nun on the side of the highway in need of a lift, well he flicked on the Jacobs brake and started dropping gears. He pulled up beside her and said "jump on in s...

Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening, but before they do, they always put their cat outside...

The taxi arrives, and just as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in.

Terry returns inside to chase it out.

Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, "My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was drinking in the bar last week and 2 twins were giving me “the eye”

I bought them each a few drinks and convinced them to come back to my house. I was having a hard time remembering who was who and didn’t want to call them by the wrong name. Then I figured out how to tell them apart. Sherry was the one with the Dolphin tattoo and Terry was the one with the penis.

If a man named Terry Richards kills you because you insulted him; what did you die of?

Dissing Terry.

I am Vengeance!!

Batman:- Robin, check the battery
Robin:- What's a Terry??

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You decide to get some new water storage tanks for your house out in the countryside.

The plumber doing the installation, some guy called Terry, arrives hours late, completes the job way over schedule and overcharges you, so you give him the finger and pay him in one-cent coins (which you've saved for occasions like this). Terry says nothing and leaves, but unbeknownst to you, he fir...

A woman went to the doctor's office and seen by one of the new young doctors.

After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the ...

"All the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah," said Rincewind. "Luters, I expect."

* Terry Pratchett, *The Light Fantastic*

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day

Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.


(Credit to Terry Pratchett)

The year is 1835...

The year is 1835, you’re traversing the Oregon Trail. You and your horse come upon a man, you introduce yourself, and he tells you his name is Terry. You laugh at him, and tell him Terry is a woman’s name. He shoots you point blank.

You’ve died of Dissin’ Terry

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Typed this up, hoping it’s new blood.

Terry is going door to door selling peaches. He’s doing okay for himself, and he rounds the corner and comes upon an apartment complex. Lots of potential sales in one spot! He walks up to the first door and knocks.

The lady of the house opens the door wearing a robe which doesn’t leave much ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets into a fight with his wife. (Put together terribly)

They live right on the coast of California, the man gets kicked out of his house by his wife so he goes for a walk along the beach. The man suddenly stops when he hears this loud booming voice.

Terry(Thats his name from now on) I see you have gotten into quite the fight with your wife, its tr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who got the shit kicked out of him after he made fun of that Crews guy from Brooklyn Nine-Nine?



He died of dissin' Terry

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes up to his wife screaming about a gorilla in the garden.

Wiping the sleep from his eyes, he staggers to the window just in time to see a huge silverback climb up into a gnarled old oak tree at the bottom of his garden. A little perplexed, he calls the RSPCA and gets put through to the Gorilla Dept.. Turns out this is a common enough occurrence, and before...

A census enumerator is working out in the country when he knocks on the door of a farmhouse.

A woman opens the door, and the man explains he’s with the census and she agrees to do the interview. Eventually he gets to the part where he asks if she has children.

“Let’s see,” says the woman, “There’s Timmy and Tammy; they’re 4. There’s Molly and Holly; they’re 8. There’s Terry and Larr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man named Jerry goes to his Conspiracy club

Jerry says he did research on 9/11.

Ernie asks what he found out.

Terry thought it was really jews.

For years people have searched for answers

Until now Jerry found out.

Ernie became impatient with Jerry.

Larry walked into the club, late from traffic.
...

I should change my last name to Bull.

But I'm not going to as it would make this a Terry Bull joke!

Sometimes I wish that I was a physics Professor named Albert

Sometimes I wish that I was a physics Professor named Albert and that occasional situations would arise where somebody would come fetch me for consultation. I would burst into the room wearing a terry aerobics headband and exclaim, "did somebody say let's get physics Al?

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory

And once all the mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement.

"Okay Mr. Milly Terry," says the investigator, "you were near the scene, what happened ?"

"Well, it's like this. Old Hugh Cumber was in the mixing room, and I saw hi...

Plot devices have Mary Sues, comic books have Gary Stus...

Hollywood has Terry Crews.

Some guy on the Oregon Trail makes a joke at the expense of Terence, a known outlaw.

He died of dissin' Terry.

Did you know the original programmer of Oregon Trail was beaten to death by mentally ill Discworld fan?

He died of dissin' Terry.

Did you hear about the man who was found dead shortly after insulting one Mr. T Crews?

He died of dissin' Terry.

Heisenberg's wife was unhappy...

because when he had the time, he didn't have the energy, and when he had the position, he didn't have the momentum.

Credit to Greg and/or Terry from American Dad.

With Jesus now! 18+

Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.

They buried the chicken and that was tha...

It was the mid-1820’s when Phillip and his brother Terrance decided that they wanted to better their lives.

So the two brothers packed a wagon with everything they owned and started out from their small home in Missouri. The trail to Oregon was very tough and the relationship between the brothers was already stressed at best.

Phillip, being the older brother, was constantly very critical of his you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cannibals again!

Three friends are trekking through an aboriginal Amazonian jungle when they are captured by cannibals. They are taken to the chief one at a time for their doom. The chief explains how the cannibal society places great value on self control and bravery in the face of pain, and if they can successfu...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.