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Brad was successful and mostly healthy, but he had one problem...

his eyes bulged out of their sockets.

It had started in his teens, and while it didn't cause him physical pain, he had to put up with constant teasing about looking like an insect. It didn't help his dating life either; most girls liked him as a person but found his appearance too strange to ...

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Did you hear about Brad Pitt's horny sibling?

Trum Pitt

Brad Pitt, Donald Trump, an old man, and a young boy are flying on a plane that's about crash but there are only 3 parachutes.

Brad Pitt, grabbing a parachute, says: "I'm sorry, guys. My kids need me, my fans need me, I'm outta here." He jumps.

Donald Trump says: "I'm sorry, too, but I'm going to be the smartest president to ever govern the United States." He jumps.

Finally, the old man says to the boy: "You...

Arnold has a big one. Brad has a small one. The Pope doesn't use it.

Obviously, I'm talking about their last names.

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A kid asks his dad, "What's the difference between theoretically and realistically?"

His dad tells him to go ask his mom if she'd have sex with Brad Pitt for one million dollars.

"Hey Mom! Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for $1,000,000?" he asks.

"Of course I would!" she replies.

So the kid reports back to his dad and he's then tasked with asking his sister t...

Brad Pitt, Donald Trump, a 12-year old and an older gentleman…

…are all flying on the same plane. Suddenly, there are huge problems and the captain let them know that “the plane is going to crash. Unfortunately, there are only 3 parachutes available. Please agree among each other on whom is going to take the parachutes”.

Brad Pitt stands up and says: “Gu...

There is at least one great philosophy in each of Brad Bird's films

The Incredibles: "When everyone's special, nobody is."

Ratatouille: "Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere."

The Iron Giant: "Screw our country, I want to live."

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Oh my god. You are so hot !

I was walking down this street and this really sexy woman tells me, 'Oh my god. You are so hot. I want you to fuck me right now!'

It's true. You can ask Brad Pitt, he was right behind me.

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What was in the box that made Brad Pitt so angry in Se7en?

Kevin Spacey's rock hard dick.

A. Schwarzenegger has it long, Brad Pitt short, Madonna does not have it and the Pope does not use it. What is it?

A surname.

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.

The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things...

Brad Pitt visits his doctor. "Hey Doc, you ever see me in that movie Seven with Morgurt Freeman?"

"Uh do you mean Morgan?"

"Oh yeah, sorry Doc. Morgurt Morgan".

Kudos to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie!

They really went out of their way to make their adoptive African children feel like a part of an authentic American family by getting a divorce.

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Brad and Stephanie decided..

..that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and ask him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car ...

What do you call the divorce between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie?

a Brexit

Do you know what my dad and Brad Pitt have in common?

Neither came to my birthday party

Why did Angelina tell Brad to do squats?

Because she was tired of a bottomless pitt.

I was talking to my Irish mate about Brad Pitt's films, but I could not remember the name of that historical Greek film he was in.....

"Troy." he said, suddenly.

"I am." I replied. "Give me a minute"

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This woman said that I reminded her of Brad Pitt.

I was flattered, until she mentioned it was when he played Benjamin Button.

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The difference between theory and reality

A boy asks his dad for help. He needs to know the difference between theoretically and realistically for his homework. So dad tells him to go ask the rest of the family members if they would sleep with Brad Pitt, for a million dollars. He asks his mom, and she answers, "Yea. He's so handsome. And we...

What do you call a small nail hole?

A Brad Pit.

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Little Johnny was in class and the teacher said "today I am going to give you a letter and I want you to give me a word that begins with that letter."

So the teacher says "A" and Little Johnny immediately raises his hand but the teacher knows he will say asshole so she calls on Little Mary and she says "apple."

"Very good" the teacher replied. "Okay, how about the letter B"

Little Johnny once again immediately raises his hand and s...

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Pop your finger in and see if she's done

Okay so there's this guy, let's call him Brad. He's cooking with his wife's Uncle on thanksgiving, let's call him Lenny. Lenny pulls a Pumpkin Pie out of the oven and is like "Hmm... I dunno, I've never been too good with these things, can neeeever tell if it's fully cooked."

So Brad's like "...

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Two Friends were out drinking in a bar for their weekly drinking session.

Their names are Brad and Josh. They have been drinking at the same bar on the same day of the week every single week for 4 years now and the bartenders usually just close the bar and leave the doors unlocked for them to leave when they want to.

Brad lives in a bungalow just across the street ...

Lady of the Lake

A couple went out for a walk on the river path.

As they stroll along the path, the husband trips over and falls into the lake. Unfortunately, both of them cannot swim, so the wife panicked and cries for help, but no one is around to help her husband. Luckily for the wife, Lady of the Lake see...

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A boy comes home from school with a homework assignment

He asks his father, "Dad, what's the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up and then replies, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with George Clooney for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. T...

What's the difference between an actor and useless glue?

One is Brad Pitt

The other is bad Pritt

How to Spot a Thot

A group of three girls were chatting when a young man approached them and said "I bet I can tell which one of you three is the thot of the group." Shocked, insulted, and overwhelmingly curious, the girls asked how he could tell. "It's easy," he laughed and turned to the first girl, "Girl #1, how man...

On a recent trip to New York the Pope saw the most beautiful red car...

As the Pope basked in the beauty of the red car, the owner appeared and insisted that he should take it for a test drive.

"No, no!" exclaimed the Pope, "I couldn't possibly!"

The driver wouldn't take no for an answer and jumped in the back of the beautiful red car. And so off they we...

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When my wife and I got married,

we mutually decided to each select that one person who we'd most like to have sex with and, if by some miracle, it happened, the other wouldn't get angry. She picked Brad Pitt and I went with Uma Thurman (Uma!!). For our 20th anniversary, I thought it would be fun to change things up and she agreed....

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One day during the family lunch the youngest..

.. son Paul asks his father:
- Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality?

Daddy turns to his wife and gives her a question: 
- Would you sleep with George Clooney for 1 million $?
- Certainly, I would never waste such opportunity, - tells the wife

Daddy turns...

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Theory and Reality

Little Johnny's teacher gives him a homework assignment to go home and find out the difference between theory and reality. Johnny goes home and asks his dad what the difference is.

Dad: I want you to ask your sister and mother if they'd sleep with Brad Pitt for one million dollars. Come back ...

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A kid asks his dad "What's the difference between realistically and potentially?"

The father responds with "Go ask your siblings and your mother if they would have sex with a celebrity for a million dollars."


The boy asks his mom "Would you have sex with George Clooney for a million dollars?"


The mother responds " While I am a married woman, that is a lot...

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell...

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I like to wear a miniskirt at work

I like to wear a miniskirt at work. It suits me well and it puts my legs in values. But it bothers me a little when there is wind because my colleagues tell me: "We see your balls Brad"

Linkin Park fought among themselves in choosing which ocean to take a cruise on.

The Pacific ocean was favored by Chester. The Atlantic was desired by Mike. The Arctic was appealing to Rob and Brad because it is an ocean they've never been to before. The Antarctic was chosen by Dave and Joe because they've heard tales of great sea creatures to see in that area. With great argume...

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Miss Davies wants to teach her class about Hearsay, so they enact a game of "Telephone"

She arranges the students in a circle and turns to her first student, Peter. She whispers "The box jellyfish has 24 eyes, and a lifespan of less than one year" to Peter and tells him to pass the message on. As she watched the message being passed on, she noted the subtle look of enlightenment in eac...

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My date arrived at the table.

She looked down and said, "Why the fuck is there a banana skin with Brad Pitt's face on?"

I said, "I thought women liked sexy peel."

A genie appears in front of a middle-aged wife at home.

"I can grant you one wish," the genie says.

"Well," the woman said thoughtfully, "My husband hasn't been fun in bed for a while... I want you to turn my old cat into a manly friend!" She points at an old, fat cat resting lazily on the couch.

"Granted," the genie says as he disappears,...

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Potential vs Reality

Little Johnny has to write a paper on the difference between potential and reality for school. He is up in his room all day writing and then crumbling up the papers. He gets the idea to go ask his dad.

"Dad, I have to write a paper on the difference between potential and reality and I can't...

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A young boy asks his father for help with a homework assignment [nsfw]

A young boy asks his father for help with a homework assignment.

He asks, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'actually'?"

The father replies, "Well, son. I can definitely help you out there. But first, go ask your brother, mother, and sister if they would have sex w...

Both of 'em?

Brad went over to Jack's house. While there Jack asked him to grab his slippers from upstairs, because he had back problems and couldn't really walk too well.

Reluctantly, because he was a guest so he thought he shouldn't be Jack's errand boy, Brad made his way upstairs.

While looking ...

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A man and woman get married

The next day they're talking to the neighbor. "So, who'd you put on your list?" The neighbor asked. Confused, the wife says "what list?" "Oh you know, the list of who you can still have sex with if ever given the opportunity, mine consists of Raquel Welch and Marilyn Monroe." Intrigued, the wife...

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A husband and wife are talking about their relationship...

and the wife suggests they each pick one person that they can have sex with without the other getting mad. The husband agrees and lets the wife go first. She thinks about it for a bit and settles on Brad Pitt. The husband nods his head and says "The neighbor."

Brangelina is no more.

And it's really sad to see that Brad Pitt is now just 'Br' while Angelina Jolie gets her whole forename back.

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Redneck Barn Building

Two rednecks were nailing siding onto a new barn. Brad was running the hammer, Ralph was handing him nails. As Ralph would grab a handful of nails from the bucket, he kept flicking half of them onto the ground. Brad turned around and yelled

"RALPH why the hell are ya throwing perfectly good ...

Three actors are deciding on roles for a movie about classical music.

Matt Damon, Brad Pitt and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all taking part in a new movie about classical composers.

"I think I'll play Beethoven!" declared Matt.

"I'd like the role of Mozart!" Brad decided.

"I'll be Bach." said Arnie.

An African American invited a white friend over for dinner ...

(Disclaimer: I got the idea for this joke from a post from /r/youdontsurf)
An African-American man named Noah invited his white friend, Brad, over for dinner with his family.

When Brad arrived at the Noah's house, Noah told him that dinner will be out very soon, and guided him to a seat a...

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A man and his son...

Were sitting on his front porch when the man said, " son, what is the difference between idealism and reality?"
The boy thought for a moment and replied, "I don't know dad, what is it?"
The man then said, "alright son go in side and ask your mom, brother, and sister if they would sleep ...

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Skipper

Skipper was the most well-liked guy in the office, and seemed to know everyone at all the parties. In fact, he seemed to have a connection with just about everyone, including his boss's friends. The boss, struggling to stump him, decided to test Skipper.

"Hey, Skipper," he said, "Brad Pitt's ...

Just a good joke I remember hearing

So a son walks up to his father and asks, whats the difference between theory and reality, to which the father responds, "well son, go ask your brother, sister and mother if they would sleep with brad pitt for one million dollars"

So the son goes to his mother and asks "mom, would you sleep w...

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Shopping for urns at the funeral parlor...

These three gay men are looking at urns for their recently deceased lovers. One guy turns to the guy next to him and says, "What do you plan on doing with your lovers ashes?" He responds, "Well tim and I loved the mountains, we loved to hike, mountain bike, and camp all year long. So I plan on du...

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Drunk guy walks into a bar

He sits down and asks the bartender for a drink. A lovely young blond, a perfect ten by any man's standards, walks in a moment later. The man tells the bartender "I could have sex with her. No problem" The bartender says nothing, shrugs and goes back to his duties.

A few minutes later, a gor...