Derek and Brian are having a drink together.

"You used to play football, didn't you?" Brian asks Derek.

"Yeah, I played til I was nearly 40." replies Derek.

"So which did you prefer, grass or astroturf?" asks Brian.

"I'm not sure Brian, I never smoked astroturf." answers Derek.

Derek Jeter dies and goes to heaven...

He is thrilled to find that heaven is the most pristine baseball field he has ever seen, with thousands of cheering fans watching.

As he walks to home plate to take his first at bat, he looks into stands and sees a smiling elderly gentleman behind home plate wearing a blue cap with the initia...

Derek, David, and Danny went out for a wild night on the town.

When they got back to the hotel, they found out that the elevator was out of service and that they were going to have to walk up 150 flights of stairs to reach their penthouse suite.

To pass the time, they decided Derek would tell jokes for the first 50 flights, David would tell happy storie...

Derek Acorah got sacked from Most Haunted for advertising bio-yoghurt in breech of his contract.

That's what you get for dabbling in the Yakult.

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Everyone likes his brother better, but one day this guy finds a magic lamp...

Genie: You get three wishes

Guy: Finally! something for me and not for my asshole brother Derek

Genie: Oh, Derek's your brother? that guy is so cool -I wish he'd rubbed the lamp instead- ... Tell you what, I'll give you whatever you wish for, but I'll double it for Derek. This is j...

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My mate is shagging twins

My mates shagging twins who both like it up the arse. I asked how he tells them apart?

"That's easy", he said. "Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaved pussy. Derek has a moustache and big hairy bollocks"

A girl was giving me

A girl was giving me a hand job last night.


“You’re really good at this,” I said, “what’s your secret?”


“Years of practice,” she giggled.


“You’ve done this to loads of guys then? I asked.


“No” came the reply, “my name used to be Derek.”

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My friend`s shagging twins,who both like it up the ass. I asked "how do you tell them apart?" "Easy" he said...

Sallys got long blond hair,and Derek's got a moustache.

I was sleeping with two twins for while in my 20s....

My friends all asked, "how can you tell them apart?" I replied, "well...Sharon has long blonde hair, and Derek has a beard."

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Peter the Builder

Derek and his grandpa, Peter, are sitting up on a hillside. Peter says "you see that wall, I helped build that wall, but do they call me Peter the wall builder? nooo. You see that house? I built that house but do they call me Peter the housebuilder? no. You see that church? I built that church too, ...

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So there's a new drink at the bar...

A man named Derek walks into a bar and takes a seat next to another man. The man looks over and says "Hey, have you heard of the new drink called 'Bounce'? It's amazing!"

Derek responds "Yeah? What's so special about it?"

In which the man replied "You wouldn't believe it, it makes you ...

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Pair of Twins

I've been shagging a pair of twins recently, and my friend asked me "How do you tell the difference?".
I told him "It's easy! Julie has long blonde hair..."
"..and Derek has a moustache"

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