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What did the cook say when trying to use a dull knife?

This isn't cutting it.

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As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits,

but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

Wh...

Why should you not write notes with a dull pencil?

Because it's pointless.

A musician specializing in bowed string instruments who has a boring play style could be called 'a dull fiddler'.

Which is not so bad until you read it out loud.

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A couple has been dating for three months in the sex is getting dull

One night they're lying in bed when the girl says, "Harry, want to try something new? It's very kinky."

He says, "Sure."

She says, "Stand over me and take a shìt on me."

He stands up, straddles her, squats a bit, and takes a dump on her chest.

She says, "Now lie in it...

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, thi...

help decode this joke please.

I asked Alexa to tell me a joke. And she replied-

"Once I tried to chop a carrot with a dull knife. But, no diced."

I have been trying to find the hidden humor in this joke but I can't. Feeling desperate now. Please help. Lol.

A man accomplishes his life-long dream of becoming a stand-up comedian

However, he does not find any success in the field. His jokes are poor and quite predictable. So, after a couple of weak performances, he quits comedy. Frustrated, he punches at a punching bag, and finds it weirdly satisfying. So, he decides to take up a career in professional boxing as a means to f...

I was gonna tell a joke about a dull pencil

But there's no point

At first, I didn't realize that I had been sold a dull razor.

But then it grew on me.

Years ago I won a tony for my work in the theatre, but year after year went by and my dull attempts to win another were in vain. Then, one day I wrote a play about how I changed my routine and began to lead an exciting life. For this I won another award.

You could say I’ve broken out of monotony

The CIA is recruiting new agents.

Out of many who applied only three agents made it to the last test, where they have to show their loyalty and dedication to the CIA by killing their wife.

The first agent steps up to the room where his wife is, grabs the door handle, but he can’t make himself do it. He drops out of the test.<...

At the steak house my wife exclaims, "Stop playing with your knife! You'll hurt yourself!" I reply, "These knives are so dull ...

A Rabbi would be furious and a foreskin would be irritated."

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I was watching a porno the other day that had a really dull storyline...

I was bored stiff.

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

What is mostly white, dull, and wants to be popular?

This post.

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Did you hear the dull story about the Japanese policeman's hatchet?

It was an anti-crime axe.

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Life is getting pretty dull, so I've decided to eat nothing but Swiss cheese

I just need more 'holy shit' in my life

How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?

One.

This Unicode technical specification is extremely dull reading

But it does have many interesting characters.

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

A white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy go to work at a coal mine.

When they arrive the manager assigns each of them a task. The white guy, Frank, is in charge of digging. The black guy, Jamaal, is in charge of transportation. The Chinese guy, Wong, is in charge of supplies.

They get to work and everything is going smoothly. Frank is digging up the coal at...

What's the worst thing about a dull nail?

It's pointless!

My Favorite Christmas Joke

It was early December, and a posh hotel was hosting a chess convention. The convention had rented out the hotel's entire separable ballroom, and the first day had, thus far, gone smoothly, with all but the quater-, semi-, and ultimate final rounds decided in the tournament. The time came for a break...

Once, many many years ago, there was a fad among fast food restaurants

to put historical, sometimes military or industrial items in their front yards as a kind of attraction/plaything; an old howitzer or maybe even a train caboose that kids could inspect or climb on. Sometimes these unlikely things would be decorated with the characters or dishes of the food chain. For...

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Colonoscopy Prep

My girlfriend is going in to get a colonoscopy tomorrow. She wants me to pick up some large Googly-eyes to make her ass look like a face, then she wants to tuck in a post-it note saying “Psssst: we’ve been wanting to talk to you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Never a dull moment here.

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After enduring it for over a week, a man goes to the doctor with intense, agonizing, shooting pains from his balls to his kidneys.

"Doc," he says "you just gotta help, the pain literally takes me to the floor, and I can't breath because of it either"

The doctor checks him over, and orders a series of tests, finally prescribing strong painkillers until their next appointment the following week.

"Im sorry," says the...

I asked my Dad what being an adult was like.

He told me, "A dull ting."

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The Farmers Daughter

Three college guys were driving in a car when it broke down way out in the boondocks. Two of them were normal enough but the third was kind of simple, and they looked out for him.

When their car broke down, they walked to the nearest farm house. It was freezing rain, so they asked if they cou...

A man is sitting in a taxi in Newcastle on his way home to Sunderland. He realises he recognises the taxi driver- and with great enthusiasm mentions this. "I know you! You picked me and the missus up that time from the train station and took us to the airport! Remember?"...

The taxi driver, who sees hundreds of different people every day, smiles politely and replies "Maybe.", rather unconvincingly. A typical, though nevertheless unbearable awkwardness follows whereupon the driver says "Riddle me this...". The passenger sits up straight and prepares for thinking.
...

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A man wakes up

A man wakes up in a dimly lit room with three doors. On each door, there is a picture of a different type of food. The first door has a picture of eggs, second has a picture of cereal and the third has a picture of beans.

The man decides to try the first door, so he opens it. Behind it is a ...

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

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Two Soldiers Walk Into A Bar...

It’s the height of the Vietnam War, and deep in the jungles U.S. Army Privates Chip and Dan have just been promoted to Sergeants.

Now Chip hasn’t always been the brightest bulb, and he’s been known to need some time to process big changes.

As Chip and Dan are doing their rounds one aft...

There was once a guy who's life was really dull, nothing happened to him...

...one day he was hit by a truck and in his last seconds of life he saw all of the most important moments of his life in a flash, and fell asleep out of boredom.

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A little boy in a quaint town was said to be the hairiest person in history.

Even in a small community, where everyone was aware of and understood his plight, living a normal life was difficult. Even though everyone was respectful, the sheer volume of hair and speed at which it grew was a constant hardship. It interfered with the boy's eating, he would overheat quickly durin...

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Once upon a time...

A horse lived on a farm with a pig, a sheep, and a cow. Now these were no ordinary barnyard animals - for they were bestowed the miracle of Disney animal anthropomorphism - subsequently, the farmer was very happy to have these animals in his posession and the people who came afar to see them made hi...

I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher's knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone.

There's never a dull moment.

10 most funniest jokes ever.

So far have we gone, stressing up ourselves today. Let me remind you something, ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY. What this popular saying meant is that we shouldn't spend all our time on work. At least, making out 20 percent of your total time should be enough fun.

Today, I have m...

What do my existence and an unsharpened pencil have in common?

They're both dull and pointless.

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Well, it's a well story.

When I was in my 5th grade, my English teacher told this story.
Once there lived a landlord in a village.He was rich. He had a daughter which meant the world to him. One day while he was on his way to work, he heard the news that his daughter fell inside a well, while she was playing. He immediat...

A man feels burnt out by his busy city life, and decides to vacation as far away as possible from the hustle and bustle.

He finds himself in a cozy cabin just outside of a small, remote Alaskan town. For a few days he marvels at the serenity of the forest. He fishes, he hikes, he naps blissfully while listening to the trees sway. But by the middle of the week, he begins to get bored, and goes to town.

Checking...

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A man walks into a bar feeling gloomy

"What's wrong John?" asks the bartender, standing with his legs apart and hands on his hips.

John says, "It's the wife. I feel like she doesn't love me anymore. Our love life feels dull and the sex has become routine."

The bartender starts stroking his chin, legs apart, with one hand o...

The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.


The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He ...

Two drill bits meet on the street

- how is going? you look a little dull
- yeah I'm going trough a lot of stuff

People still having large weddings during a pandemic must be huge Game of Thrones fans.

After all a Dothraki wedding without at least 3 deaths is considered a dull affair.

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A man goes to the doctor to have his balls checked..

"Doc, there's a dull pain in my balls."

"A dolphin?"

"No. A pain that is dull."

"Let's see. Your scrotum *looks fine* but there seems to be some sort of lump on your testis."

"Aren't they the same thing?"

"No, sir! There's a vas deferens."

From my Twitter feed today

I have a joke about a gym trainer, but I have to warm up before I tell it.

I have a joke about the IT department, but you have to put in a ticket before i can tell you.

I have a joke on aerospace engineering, but I don't think it will fly.

I have a joke on LinkedIn, but I'm not ...

A priest and a lawyer

A priest and a lawyer had both died, after what seemed like eternity they finally stood before the pearly gates of heaven.

Suddenly the gates open and a bright angel of God apears before them.

"Welcome to the kingdom of Heaven, please get in my carriage and I will show you to your new ...

[OC] A programmer walks into a coffee shop

A programmer walks into a coffee shop on his lunch break with his pet, a black Labrador. He comes in with a scowl on his face and a furrowed brow, his expression showing a frustrated yet pensieve look about him. He asks for a plain, black coffee.

The barista compassionately eyed the man fo...

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Modern Day Cowboy

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.


His horse has already died of thirst.


He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards a...

A man and his son run a carpentry business out in the countryside…

They do small jobs here and there, mostly on farms and ranches, fixing up barns and building pens for farm animals. The father eventually wants his son to take over the business and has tried to teach him the ins and outs of woodworking, along with other important lessons he thinks that every carpen...

I like to dissapoint.

“Screw you point!! You are so dull you are pointless!!”

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Hobo is looking for food in waste containers near MIT campus...

...and suddenly sees a nude drunk young woman sleeping in one of the containers. He wakes her up and asks her:

"What is the second law of thermodynamics?"

Before falling back asleep girl looks at him with dull gaze and answers:

"T... total entropy of an isolated system can never...

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Three men survive a plane crash...

Three men survive a plane crash on what appears to be a deserted island. In short order however, they realize it's inhabited by a tribe of cannibals. Surrounded by savages and all hope fading fast, one of the men pleas for the lives of him and his fellow survivors. The chief ponders his pleas and ul...

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Why did the butter knife fail all his classes?

He was just too dull.

When it comes to sharpening pencils,

there's never a dull moment.

Before John was a traveling salesmen

Before John was a traveling salesman he worked door to door on foot. He actually came from an upper middle class family but had a healthy work ethic and a humble yet dull nature from aristocratic inbreeding a few generations back..

It was his birthday and his eccentric mother had told John he...

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The DOD was putting together a new special forces unit...

In response to rising global tensions the Department of Defense decided a new, elite top secret unit was needed. Recruits were assembled from the special forces units of all branches.

A panel of generals, high level intelligence officers and congressmen is formed to begin interviews. The firs...

An Engineer goes to heaven

An engineer dies and goes up to the Pearly Gates where he is greeted by St. Peter. "Welcome to Heaven. Come right in. We can always use another engineer".

But the engineer does his due diligence and asks to see both Heaven and Hell before deciding where he wants to spend eternity. Heaven is n...

Bill Gates dies and goes to to the Pearly Gates.

Once there, St Peter looks throught his huge book, and finds Bills name.

"Im sorry" St Peter says. "It says here that you havent been particularly good, but, not bad either."

"It seems actually that all your good and bad deeds weight eachother out, so, there is nothing telling me if yo...

What do you call a boring violinist whose fascist regime lost WWII?

A dull fiddler

Another "guy goes to a monastery" joke - an oldie but a goodie

This is an old one, so apologies if its been here before (I haven't seen it yet, but I don't check /r/jokes every day). I'm a bit bored at the moment, so I've embellished it a bit! enjoy :)

So, this guy is hiking in the Himalayas, as you do, and, as he's hiking up the narrow, rock-strewn path...

What do you call something that's just been eaten by a boring man?

In-dull-gent

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Plan for Next Weekend

Friday at 4:45 an old geezer walks into the jewelry store with a hot babe on his arm. The shopkeeper was going to close but figured the guy must be loaded so he'll stay open. The old man is laying it on thick: "I want to see a ring that won't look dull compared to my angel's beautiful eyes." The gir...

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The Watchmaker

The Boy was due to meet his friends down the third alley from the green sign. The bar at the end of that alley, they had said, was a place where spirits and souls mixed together with the languid flow of warm summer air.

But The Boy had started drinking when the sun was still ascending, and n...

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Cinderella wanted to go to the ball....

....but didn't have all the right gear - suddenly her fairy godmother appears and grants her all her wishes... "But remember deary, be home by midnight, or else your vagina will turn into a pumpkin"... She agrees and goes off to the ball, has a great time and meets Prince Charming....... but he's qu...

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Why didn't the fork and spoon want to hang out with the butter knife?

He was just too dull.

A guy's working as a cashier at Best Buy

He finds his job a little dull, but from where he's stationed he can see out to store entrance to the parking lot (and more importantly, the sky) outside. He spends a lot of time looking out the store entrance and daydreaming, but one day he notices a blond woman walk up to the store with a bunch of...

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At the Pearly Gates

An Evangelical Christian dies and is taken up to the Pearly Gates where St Peter is waiting to greet him. St Peter informs him that he has one last wish he can request before stepping through the Gates. The Evangelical thinks about it for a minute, looks at St Peter and says, "You know, there is one...

Moth Joke

A moth goes into a dietitian's office looking very unwell.


The dietitian goes, "What seems to be the problem?"


The moth replies, "Where to start, doc? Each day I wake up at 6:00 a.m. next to a moth wife I once loved, who I have slowly drifted away from over the days. Her once...

What did a run on sentence and a used pencil share at the same time?

A very dull point

I don’t want to get up, Papa.

An elderly gentleman knocks on his son’s bedroom door. “John,” he says, “wake up!”

John answers, “I don’t want to get up, Papa.”

The father shouts, “Get up, you have to go to school.”

John says, “I don’t want to go to school.”

“Why not?” asks the father.

“Thre...

They’ve written a sequel to The Martian where a hundred rescuers attempt to rescue a stranded man on mars, only to fail.

It’s title.

101 Dull Martians

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A Businessman is on his way to a meeting...

He then found that he desperately needed to take a shit. He pulls over to the nearest gas station and goes into the bathroom. Once he finishes he realizes there isn't any toilet paper and the other stall is locked. He see's a small hole in the wall of the stall he was in with writing above it that s...

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How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?

She answered the stapler.


How did she pierce her other ear?


Those bastards called back.


(feel free to imagine a dulled "Huwwuh? *ka-thunk* UUUNNGHH!" right after the first punchline)

I used to work for a mining company . . .

It was a boring job; just a slow daily grind.

I would find myself in a depression everyday; unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

One day, the whole drill got to be too dull and as I was about to do something to remedy the situation, everything started to crumble down aroun...

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How do you piss off an emo?

Give them a dull razor.

So I was at a conference for experimental philosophy...

and it was getting a bit dull so I turned to the guy next to me and asked

"So, what do you do?"

He lit up, eager to tell all.
"Well, I'm studying the effects of introducing rodents to Nihilistic thinking through an intricate series of signals and experiments. Nice to meet cha!"
<...

I recently went to a gathering for turtles...

..bit dull. None of us came out of our shell.

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A man and wife are looking to spice up their relationship.

They have been married for years, and as many marriages do, things start to get dull. They decide they need to seek out new activities to keep their relationship going. They go to new restaurants, travel more, take dance lessons together, the works. But still, as they try all these new things, event...

manager told me this one at dinner last weekend

Working in the field of engineering, things can get pretty dull...so here it goes.

There once was a man, lets call him John, who applied for a position at Tyco to manufacture Tickle-me Elmos. He figured he would make the cut as he knew the hiring manager. John landed the job and was told he'd...

A kitchen joke. Why was the cutting board?

The knife was really dull

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A skinny white guy meets his cell-mate for the first time...

Who happens to be a seven and a half foot monster of a black man.
As soon as the guards lock the cell and leave the black man stands up and unzips his trousers. There's a dull thud as his massive cock hits the floor.

He swings it one way, smashing the sink off the wall. He swings it the ot...

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Uncle John in Vietnam

A grade school teacher assigned everyone in the class to come back after the weekend with a story to tell the class that had a moral teaching in it. When the class came back on Monday the teacher had them come up and tell their stories.

"Alright Suzie, come up and tell us your story."
Suz...

What did people say after two satellite dishes got married?

The wedding was dull, but the reception was great.

Advice from an old native American hunter:

Never go hunting for buffalo with a dull spear, it is pointless.

Jack

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

All work and no pay makes Jack a Mexican.

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