Josh Jokes - 32 Hilarious Josh Jokes

Josh in Europe.

A guy shows his painting of a couple making love to a friend.

A friend than asks:

"What is it called."

Artist replies:

"Josh in Europe."

A friend asks again:

"Who is this woman on the painting."

Artist answers:

"That is Joshes wife."

Fri...

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A plane leaves JFK airport under the control of a Jewish captain, Josh Weinberg.

It is the first time he has flown with his Chinese co-pilot Bo Weng and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

After this protracted silence has continued for a while, the Captain mutters, 'I don't like the Chinese.. .'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the copil...

Where does Senator Josh Hawley do his shopping?

At the flee market.

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“I’m sorry I walk in on you wanking” said josh to his new housemate.

I’ll make sure to wank in my own room from now on

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Josh has one leg

Josh has one leg due to a bicycle accident a few years ago that led to an amputation. One day his mom stormed into his room furious, and began accusing him of masturbating under her roof. Now, Of course he was guilty, but he thought he had hidden it very well and was confident she hadn’t caught on u...

My wife and I have a list of people we get a free pass to sleep with. Her list has Josh Duhamel, Henry Cavill, and Chris Evans.

My list has our neighbor, her sister, and our kid's teacher.

Why did Josh Gordon marry Mary Jane?

So he'd only get a 2 game suspension for abusing her.

What is Josh Duggar's second favorite dating website after Ashley-Madison?

Ancestry.com

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John goes to Josh's apartment...

... but he wasn't home, and the person who answered the door was Kate, Josh's wife. She just got out of the shower, so she had a towel around her sexy, sexy body when she answered the door. After a little bit of small and awkward talking, John couldn't resist and told her:

"I will give you a ...

Pearl Harbour 9/11'd Josh Hartnett's career.

Three disasters in seven words that make a fully coherent sentence. Can anyone do better?

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Ken and Josh, two good friends, are hiking up a mountain

Ken needs to take a piss, so he goes over to do his business. A snake slithers over and bites him on his manhood. Ken screams in pain and Josh runs down to the base camp to tell the medic. The medic explains that this type of snake has deadly venom and the only way Ken will survive is if Josh sucks ...

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Two teenagers are talking about their girlfriends

Rick: My babe is 18 already and has huge tits, what about yours?

Josh: She is 42 and amazing in bed, like you wouldn't believe.

Rick: 42?! She could be your mother, man!

Josh: Could be. But she's yours.

TLC launching new spin-off Josh Duggar retrospective series....

"15 and Mounting".

For centuries, scientists said “Drake and Josh” couldn’t come to Hulu or Netflix

But they found a way, they found a way

I couldn't think of a way to make a Drake and Josh joke sound simple

But I found a way

I don't get why people are upset that some people with the same name met and hung out.

After all, they were just Joshing.

Joe just got a job as a repairman.

Joe just got a job as a repairman.

His boss tells him, "You're needed at 69th Street, Avenue D to repair a man's fence."

Joe goes and repairs the fence.

Joe gets paid and goes back to the company building.

His boss tells him, "I've got a job for you at 69th Street, Avenue...

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Walk

Josh lusted after Linda.
When she finally agreed to go out with him, he took her out to dinner and then afterwards, drove her five miles out into the country, parked, and said passionately, "I want you right here, right now. Do it... or you can walk home!" Without saying a word, Linda got out of ...

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The teacher is teaching about the alphabets.

Teacher : Josh, give me a sentence beginning with the letter I.

Josh : Ok, I is...

Teacher : Stop! You never put a ‘is’ after an ‘I’ , always use ‘am’ after I.

Josh : Ok. I is the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Teacher : ...
LISTEN HERE, YOU little SHIT.

Aptronym is a personal name aptly or peculiarly suited to its owner.

Some famous examples of peoples whose name accurately describes them.
Usain Bolt- Jamaican sprinter.
Margaret Court- Australian tennis player.
Josh Outman- baseball pitcher.
Novak Djokovic - vaccine dodger.

A woman walked in to a pet shop...

... to buy some food for her dog, while in the pet shop she saw a parrot for only £3 where as the others where £30, she asked the shop keeper why it was so cheap and he said "Legally when we sell any animal we need to inform the customer of where it came from and this parrot came from a brothel that...

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The man with no balls

There was once a man who had no balls who started working in an office.

“Congratulations, Josh!” The boss exclaims, “Our office hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, but you can come at 10 AM”.

“Why is that?” Josh asks.

“Well you see, from 8 to 10 all we do here is play with ...

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Tick Marks

The afternoon before the wedding, the groom Josh and his dad Dave are sharing a drink among the guests. Dave makes a bet with his son… …
…
“$500, even money, that I can shag your mother tonight more times than you fuck the brains out of your new filly,” dad says. …
…
It sounds like a sur...

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There's a rumor going around that someone in my group of friends is gay...

I hope it's Josh, he's pretty cute.

Need help: looking for parade jokes. (I know, right?)

I was asked to announce the 4th of July parade in my small hometown. Was wondering if anyone here has been at a parade and heard something funny.

The only thing to work off of right now is that Josh Duhmel is announcing the 4th of July parade in a larger town about 20 minutes away.

T...

Three men and a phone

there are three men in a bar who are all just a bit drunk but in their senses. Their names are Billy, Nicholas, and Josh. A phone rings and Nicholas picks up. it was his girlfriend. she asks Nicholas if she can buy a brand new TV set with his money and he says why not, go ahead. she then asked if sh...

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Two Friends were out drinking in a bar for their weekly drinking session.

Their names are Brad and Josh. They have been drinking at the same bar on the same day of the week every single week for 4 years now and the bartenders usually just close the bar and leave the doors unlocked for them to leave when they want to.

Brad lives in a bungalow just across the street ...

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Little steve had a school homework. He had to go home and ask a family member for an unusual color

He went home after school and went to his mum: “Mom, I need your help for school, can you tell me an unusual color please?”

To which his mother answers: “Let’s see... purple plum”

“Thanks mum I think that is good.”

The next day, steve gets to school and his classmates start sayi...

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Hmmm Metric or Imperial?

"In metric, one milliliter of water occupies one cubic centimeter, weighs one gram, and requires one calorie of energy to heat up by one degree centigrade—which is 1 percent of the difference between its freezing point and its boiling point. An amount of hydrogen weighing the same amount has exactly...

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This actually happened to me.

A few years ago I was working in a call center that promoted the use of "Pizzazz Greetings." Such examples ranged from "Thank you for calling XYZ! My name is Kandy with a K! What can I do to make your day as awesome as mine!?" To "Thank you for flying with XYZ, my name is Josh and I'll be your capt...

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Fish jokes

One fish says to the other, “You drink like a fish.”
The other fish responds, “So do you.”

What did the sardine call the submarine?
A can of people.

What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line.

What fish is best to have in a boat?
A Sailfish.
<...

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A man is at work when he receives a call from the hospital, where his pregnant wife is.

Doctor: Is this Mr.Smith?

Smith: Yes, what is the problem?

Doctor: Sir, your wife is in labour, get here immediately!

Smith races to the hospital, runs into the waiting room where the doctor is waiting.

Smith: Where is she? How is my baby?!

Doctor: She is okay sir,...

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