Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?"

I immediately burst into tears.

12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian

Every year on St Patrick’s Day Saint Patrick comes down out of Heaven and goes to an Irish pub.

This past St Patrick’s day he goes to Murphy’s local pub. Murphy walked in a see St Patrick sitting in the corner of the pub with his big green bishops hat, his green robes and his staff and he asks the bartender “Hey, is that St Patrick sitting in the corner?”

And the bartender says “Well ye...

Will we be able to watch Robert Plant, while Roger Waters and Jeremy Irons?

Probably not, but Brian May!

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like t...

Derek and Brian are having a drink together.

"You used to play football, didn't you?" Brian asks Derek.

"Yeah, I played til I was nearly 40." replies Derek.

"So which did you prefer, grass or astroturf?" asks Brian.

"I'm not sure Brian, I never smoked astroturf." answers Derek.

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Two Irish Couples

Two Irish couples decide to swap partners for the night.


After 3 hours of amazing sex, Brian says: "I wonder how the girls are getting on".

A schrondinger's cat walks into a bar

and it doesn't ...

~Brian marlow

So our boss just banned overly specific nicknames.

Now our whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner

Back in the 80's, Brian was walking in Belfast when he was accosted by a masked man, brandishing a gun

The masked man asked "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant"?

Brian replied "Neither, I'm an Atheist"

The masked man was silent for a moment, then finally said:

"Is that a Catholic Atheist or a Protestant Atheist"?

What did the dyslexic Zombie crave?

Brians

Brian wanted to be a miner ever since he was little

So one day when he hit that magical age of 21 he packed up all of his things and left his parents house. Too the grievance of his mother he moved a few states over. To a little mining village that like in the old days completely depended on their local gold mine. For some reason unlike all the other...

You're just like Brian...

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things ha...

Brian Blessed was flying his bi-plane over the Sahara desert when out of nowhere the engine spluttered and stop and he found himself hurtling toward the ground.

As he crawled out of the wreckage, Brian couldn't believe he had survived the crash. He checked himself for injuries, a few scratches but nothing major; no broken bones, no concussion, not even whiplash from the plane's impact with the ground. For a second he considered himself lucky. Until he looke...

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After 35 years, It was Brian the Postman's last day carrying the post in a quaint Irish village

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who thanked him for his service and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars and Irish Whiskey. "Good Luck to ye, Brian!" They called a...

I'm too scared to get tested for Coronavirus

So I got the roundabout Coronavirus test. I call my friend Brian.

"Brian, do you know anyone who has Coronavirus?"

"No"

"Cool, cause you know me."

-Mitch Hedberg sort of

Daniel and Brian are cutting wood in a forest.

Daniel isn't being overly careful, and accidentally cuts his hand off. Brian, however, has some basic medical training, and helps stop the bleeding. Brian decides to wrap Daniel's severed hand up with a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. The ER doctor sees the two and looks disappointed.
...

CEO Brian Krzanich sold his stock, and it might be considered insider trading...

You could say he had certain Intel about the situation.

This could turn into a total Meltdown.

I'm not impressed by Brian May's astrophysics degree.

I heard he called Mercury a star.

RIP to my good friend Brian...

...eaten by a pack of dyslexic zombies :(

Pregnancy

Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels. His wife Maggie was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital. Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor. “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?” The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “just try to relax...

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I'm so straight I don't touch myself when I jerk off

My buddy Brian does it for me

Mum was asking her three Sons what part of their body they would change if they could: So Billy what would you change? my nose because it is too big, Brian, my Eyes because they are brown, Johnny my Bum, Mum says why is that Johnny is it too fat??

No it's got a Crack in it.

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Brian is lonely and decides to hire a hooker.

He drives around until he sees a lady of the night who catches his eye. After going through some formalities she gets in the passenger seat and he asks how much she charges.

"For starters a handy is $375."

"Wow, that seems like a lot of cash for a handjob lady."

"Mister, do you...

Contagious

Little Jimmy was in school the next day and his teacher told the class they were going to focus on a new word for the day: "Contagious".

The teacher gave the class ten minutes to come up with a sentence containing the word of the day. When time was up, she asked them each to come up and read ...

There was a family and a family friend eating dinner.

There was a mom, a dad, a little girl, and the family friend, Brian. The little girl greeted the family friend, “Hi grandpa Brian!” The mom and dad looked at the little girl, obviously confused. The dad said “Brian isn’t your Grandpa, love.” The little girl looked at the father and asked “What makes...

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Brian and the Hen

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell fast asleep.
When Brian awoke a few hours later he found a strange man was standing at the end of his bed weari...

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Two Welshmen, Mike and Brian, are traveling down a river in a boat...

Mike: You know I built this boat?
Brian: Yes.
Mike : But they don't call me a boat builder.
Brian: No they don't.
Mike: See that house over there? You know I built that house?
Brian: Yes
Mike: But they don't call me a house builder.
Brian: No they don't.
Mike: But you fuck on...

Brian raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.”

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Brian raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.”

Susan answers, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, “H...

What kind of people do dyslexic zombies eat?

Brians

Brian's roommate and the gravy ladle

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian’s mother couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Brian’s roommate Jennifer was. Brian’s Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
...

Brian Williams and Bill O'Reilly walk into a bar

Or do they?

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A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors...

He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionair...

The doctor said I have dyslexia which is a Brain condition

Which makes no sense since my name is not Brian

My buddy Brian had a kid a few years ago. He comes to me this summer and he goes...

"Man, my son just flunked the third grade. I don't know how to tell him he will be held back a year."

I was like, "I guess you better tell him slowly so that he will get it."

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A King hates fruits!

The king has a birthday and he asks that the guests don't bring him any fruit as gifts or he will put the fruits up their bottoms.

On his birthday, thousands of people come and everyone makes sure to bring gifts that the king would like. This one simple-minded guy brings an apple, so the King...

Does Freddie know how to play guitar?

No, but Brian may

A bloke I work with says he's dating twins...

I asked him "How do you tell them apart?"
"That's easy..." he says "...Marie's got blonde hair and Brian's got a beard."

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Family reunion with Dad and stepmom

Dear Mom,


We are having a great time here at Camp Hazardous Hills. Grandpa is making me write to you in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.


Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on th...

My Brian Williams's helicopter jokes have been going great!

None have been shot down so far!

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Three Nazis walk into a bar

Three Nazis walk into a bar.



Their commanding officer walks up to the bartender and says,



"Congratulations, you are now a member of the German Army. Your first order is to kill everyone in this room who is not Aryan".



The bartender complies. He takes a m...

I went on a blind date.

I saw this lovely girl and said to her are you Susan?

She said are you Brian?.. I said yes I am: All exited..

She said no my name is Sharon.

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Brendan O'Brian

Brendan O'Brian is sitting at a bar, noticeably down. The bartender asks what's wrong and he says,
"You see that church over there? I built that church with my own two hands. But no one ever says, 'There goes Brendan O'Brian, the church builder.'
And did you know I'm a decorated professor at...

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So my mate has started dating twins!

I asked him the other day "how do you tell them apart?"

He said

"Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure...


... And Brian's got a cock"

I told my girlfriend I was named after Thomas Jefferson.

She said, "Your name is Brian."

I said, "Right. But I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson."

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Teaching children the word "CONTAGIOUS" in class...

In English class the teacher wrote the word "CONTAGIOUS" on the blackboard and turned to her students.

"I'd like to you tell us all a sentence containing the word "contagious". Several students raised their hands and the teacher asked them to stand up and tell the class their sentence.
...

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Little boy comes running home to tell his mom he just saw daddy with another woman..

“Mummy, mummy, I just saw daddy parked up near the woods and he had that nice woman from the grocery store in the car with him”
 

“Really?? What were they doing?”
 

“Well, at first they were just kissing, then daddy put his hand in her shirt then they both took ...

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My 75 y/o Scottish grandpa told me this at a family lunch.

A farmer walks into the bar and sits down beside me looking extremely agitated.


"What's goin' on with ya Pete?"


"Ah jesus, Brian. So I got up early and was milking my biggest cow in her stall. I had a pail just about full when she kicked her right leg and spilled the entire thi...

Queen were on their very first tour and there was a mishap in booking hotel rooms.

They were meant to book two rooms with two beds each - instead they ended up with a single room with one bed. They were considering drawing straws to determine who would sleep on the floor, but miraculously, Freddie Mercury, Brian May, John Deacon and Roger Taylor all managed to fit comfortably on t...

Dr. Amrak, superintendent of the Tidder School District, was nervous about the upcoming budget meeting.

All of the schools in the district needed new benches and tables in their cafeterias. Unfortunately, the Tidder Comets were in a difficult financial situation, and all of the estimates for the cafeteria furniture were way too expensive. One day before the big meeting, Dr. Amrak told his secretary,...

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My father taught me to be reserved and respectful, he said “Son, no one likes a cocky asshole”

“Well, except for uncle Brian and the guy from the hair salon”

Whats a dyslexic zombie's favourite food?

Brians

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Sent to Jail.

After getting sent to jail, I spent the next hour being held face down over a table and getting violently fucked up the arse.

Sometimes I think my uncle Brian takes Monopoly a bit too seriously...

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London.

After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland’

The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’

The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’

The other bloke answers,...

Probably one for British people

A man and his wife were on their honeymoon and about to do the deed. The wife stops the husband unexpectedly.

"Darling," she says. "I am afraid I have a dark secret to tell you, and I haven't been entirely honest with you."

"Sweetheart, no matter what you have done in the past I will f...

At an AC/DC concert...

Brian Johnson: You guys ready to rock?
Crowd: YESSSSSS
Brian Johnson: I can't hear you!

Mom, how come I still didn’t get my period? I mean I’m already 19 and....

"Mom, how come I still didn’t get my period? I mean I’m already 19 and Janet got hers when she was just 13!"

"Listen to me, Brian, you’re NOT getting a period ever!"

Losing game pieces sucks...

Especially when it's hide and seek...

I'll never forget you, Brian..

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A barista was admiring his colleague's ass at Starbucks...

Barista: "Damn Karen your ass is large."

Colleague: "Stop it Brian, we're at work."

Barista: "Oh sorry, I mean that ass is Venti."

The gift

"Brian, what's wrong with you? You've been sitting at your desk looking depressed for the last five minutes!"


"Oh Dan", responded Brian "I don't know what to do! I got in a big fight last night with my Suzie, she claims I never buy her gifts, so I must not care about her!"


"Br...

You know how the credits at the end of movies always say something like, “No animals were injured in the making of this film”? Well what if they were? Do they list it in the credits?

Brian hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

She Left Him

A man's wife left him because he couldn't stop counting.
She's not sure what he's up to now.

(Credit to Brian & Ron Boychuck)

Counting with Fingers

TEACHER: Brian, what's one plus one?

(The kid holds up his fingers and counts two.)

BRIAN: Two

TEACHER: Good job, what's three plus three?

(The kid holds up his fingers and counts six.)

BRIAN: Six

TEACHER: Good job, now put your hands in your pocket and tell...

Mike Anderson was in the hospital...

He knows that his end is imminent, so he gathers his family:

His wife, his daughter and both of his sons.
He also asks for a nurse, two witnesses and his last will to be recorded.

 


Then he starts speaking:
"Brian, my oldest son, I want you to get castle ave...

Following the recent anti-Islam film made, there will be a film made to mock Jesus Christ.

It will be released in 1979 and will be called Life of Brian

my wife got mad at me after picking out baby names...

she like it for the first week then it clicked for her... i said Peter Brian Johnson for a baby boy and Veronica Jessica Johnson for a baby girl...

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A man is driving in his truck

It is winter and the road is coverd in snow. Suddenly the car behind pulls beside him and tells him to stop. A guy gets out and knocks on his window:

"Hello Sir, my name is Henry Brians
I speak only in rhymes,
I have to tell you I'm afraid,
your truck is losing freight."

The m...

Science Jokes

A virus walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve viruses in this bar."
The virus replaces the bartender and says, "Now we do."


An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases in this bar."
The infectious disease says, "wel...

[Dad joke] So a man walks into a bar...

...he has had a long hard day and really just wants to drink to relieve some stress.

The bartender asks: "what can I get ya?"

He replies: "just give me the best damn drink you can make!"

So the bartender whips up one of his favorites; a grasshopper.

The man loves the dr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the horny toad say when designing a sex toy?

Ribbit

*Credit goes to Brian, random guy sitting next to me on couch.

If you were to second guess your decision to stay at a hotel on a native american reserve...

....that would be a reservation reservation reservation

-credit to Brian Regan

A deaf-mute goes golfing

...at a country club (it's Sunday, and open to the public) and is having a pretty good game. So good, in fact, that he ends up having to wait on a member playing ahead of him.
He politely waits on the slow golfer, but eventually gets fed up with the delay. So he writes a note, and gives it to the...

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God: "I've created you in my image." Oh Wait...

"The foreskin was a mistake. Cut that shit off immediately."
~ Brian C Carroll

People keep telling me that concussions are really bad for my health.

I can safely say that after three years of playing high school football, my Brian is working just fine!

Did anyone else think that...

Mel Gibson's remake of the 'Life of Brian' wasn't nearly as funny as the original?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

LIVE ON RADIO [long]

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or...

Deadly eight iron.

Two buddies were playing a round of golf and off the seventh tee Brian sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the l...

We gave our children old-fashioned names...

Our little boy is Hunter and our little girl is Gatherer. - Brian Kiley

What does a dyslexic zombie say?

Brian's ... Briiiiiiiiian's!!!

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