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Brian Jokes

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like t...

Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie?

He only eats Brians

Brian is hired to paint lines on the road

The first day Brian paints 2 km of the road, and the boss is very impressed.

The second day he paints 1 km of road, the boss is wondering why it's less than the day before, but gives him a chance.

The third day he only paints 500 m of road and the boss is not happy, but he is a forgivi...

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After 35 years, It was Brian the Postman's last day carrying the post in a quaint Irish village

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who thanked him for his service and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars and Irish Whiskey. "Good Luck to ye, Brian!" They called a...

My friend Brian is having a rough time of it this Halloween.

He was attacked by dyslexic zombies.

Happy spooky day!

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Crocodile.

A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors... He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, ...

Did you know that Brian May, the guitarist from British rockband Queen, has a PhD on Astrophysics?

Yeah, he started his schooling before Queen formed, and achieved his PhD in 2007. One of his dissertations is heavily criticized by the science community though, and it's because he has an odd theory of what causes the Earth's rotation.

You see, he thinks that 'Fat Bottomed Girls make the Roc...

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The wonderful Brian.

A man walked out to the street and caught a black taxi just going by:

He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said. "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you ...

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Brian's Eggs

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell fast asleep.

When Brian awoke a few hours later he found a strange man was standing at the end of his bed w...

Why did Britain change its name to Brian?

Because those dang colonists got rid of their tea.

RE-PHRASE: People on Twitter claimed that if Dog the Bounty Hunter found Brian Laundrie before the government did, they would never pay taxes again

Well that certainly motivated the FBI

Murphy's Pub

**Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy's Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”**

**The other bloke responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”**

**The first one says, “So am I!...

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Brian is lonely and decides to hire a hooker.

He drives around until he sees a lady of the night who catches his eye. After going through some formalities she gets in the passenger seat and he asks how much she charges.

"For starters a handy is $375."

"Wow, that seems like a lot of cash for a handjob lady."

"Mister, do you...

I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her twin, but it's OK because I can tell them apart.

Brian has a moustache.

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On Air Confession

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or serio...

Back in the 80's, Brian was walking in Belfast when he was accosted by a masked man, brandishing a gun

The masked man asked "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant"?

Brian replied "Neither, I'm an Atheist"

The masked man was silent for a moment, then finally said:

"Is that a Catholic Atheist or a Protestant Atheist"?

CEO Brian Krzanich sold his stock, and it might be considered insider trading...

You could say he had certain Intel about the situation.

This could turn into a total Meltdown.

Daniel and Brian are cutting wood in a forest.

Daniel isn't being overly careful, and accidentally cuts his hand off. Brian, however, has some basic medical training, and helps stop the bleeding. Brian decides to wrap Daniel's severed hand up with a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. The ER doctor sees the two and looks disappointed.
...

Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?"

I immediately burst into tears.

12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian

Brian wanted to be a miner ever since he was little

So one day when he hit that magical age of 21 he packed up all of his things and left his parents house. Too the grievance of his mother he moved a few states over. To a little mining village that like in the old days completely depended on their local gold mine. For some reason unlike all the other...

A Proctology exam.

A man is sitting over the counter with his pants down at the doctors office.

The doctor comes in and sits down and starts working the gloves onto his hands.

“Alright Brian, it’s your first proctology exam, just sit back, relax, and try not to get an erection” the doctor says.

...

Brian Williams and Bill O'Reilly walk into a bar

Or do they?

I'm not impressed by Brian May's astrophysics degree.

I heard he called Mercury a star.

Brian's roommate and the gravy ladle

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian’s mother couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Brian’s roommate Jennifer was. Brian’s Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
...

Linda goes to her parents' house with her husband, Brian, for Thanksgiving.

As they walk in, Brian says, "Lemme go to the bathroom real quick."

And so Linda sits down in the living room with her dad and asks, "Where's mom?"

Her dad replies, "She's not feeling too well. She's in bed right now."

And then Linda goes to her mom's room and says, "Brian, what...

I asked my crush out and she said she likes brian and not me

So i asked brian out and we've been going steady for 6 months

Derek and Brian are having a drink together.

"You used to play football, didn't you?" Brian asks Derek.

"Yeah, I played til I was nearly 40." replies Derek.

"So which did you prefer, grass or astroturf?" asks Brian.

"I'm not sure Brian, I never smoked astroturf." answers Derek.

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Brian decides it's time to sail the seven seas.

Brian decides it’s high time he make his lifelong dream come true. He buys a boat, gets his gear and sets off to sail the seven seas.

After a few days, a storm whips up. Brian and his ship are lost to the sea.

The next day, Brian wakes up, stranded on a deserted island. He find food...

My buddy Brian had a kid a few years ago. He comes to me this summer and he goes...

"Man, my son just flunked the third grade. I don't know how to tell him he will be held back a year."

I was like, "I guess you better tell him slowly so that he will get it."

My Brian Williams's helicopter jokes have been going great!

None have been shot down so far!

Two friends in a pub one says:

"Hello John hows your brother Brian?"

"He died Alf"

"Oh that is terrible how did he die?"

"Well he was driving his car and he slammed on the brakes with such force he got catapulted out of the roof through my second floor bedroom window and landed on the bed"

"Oh that...

Brian raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.”

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Brian raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.”

Susan answers, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, “H...

Brian Blessed was flying his bi-plane over the Sahara desert when out of nowhere the engine spluttered and stop and he found himself hurtling toward the ground.

As he crawled out of the wreckage, Brian couldn't believe he had survived the crash. He checked himself for injuries, a few scratches but nothing major; no broken bones, no concussion, not even whiplash from the plane's impact with the ground. For a second he considered himself lucky. Until he looke...

Mum was asking her three Sons what part of their body they would change if they could: So Billy what would you change? my nose because it is too big, Brian, my Eyes because they are brown, Johnny my Bum, Mum says why is that Johnny is it too fat??

No it's got a Crack in it.

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So my mate has started dating twins!

I asked him the other day "how do you tell them apart?"

He said

"Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure...


... And Brian's got a cock"

The gift

"Brian, what's wrong with you? You've been sitting at your desk looking depressed for the last five minutes!"


"Oh Dan", responded Brian "I don't know what to do! I got in a big fight last night with my Suzie, she claims I never buy her gifts, so I must not care about her!"


"Br...

Losing game pieces sucks...

Especially when it's hide and seek...

I'll never forget you, Brian..

At an AC/DC concert...

Brian Johnson: You guys ready to rock?
Crowd: YESSSSSS
Brian Johnson: I can't hear you!

If you were to second guess your decision to stay at a hotel on a native american reserve...

....that would be a reservation reservation reservation

-credit to Brian Regan

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Two Irish Couples

Two Irish couples decide to swap partners for the night.


After 3 hours of amazing sex, Brian says: "I wonder how the girls are getting on".

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I met a dyslexic sapiosexual today

They said they were very attracted to my brian.

I told my girlfriend I was named after Thomas Jefferson.

She said, "Your name is Brian."

I said, "Right. But I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson."

A boy asks his father, "Can I have a bookmark?".

His dad starts crying, "After 10 years you still don't know im called Brian!".

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Three Nazis walk into a bar

Three Nazis walk into a bar.



Their commanding officer walks up to the bartender and says,



"Congratulations, you are now a member of the German Army. Your first order is to kill everyone in this room who is not Aryan".



The bartender complies. He takes a m...

Zoom meetings are basically seances with the living...

Brian, are you there? Make a sound if you can hear us. Is anyone with you? Can you hear us?

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Sent to Jail.

After getting sent to jail, I spent the next hour being held face down over a table and getting violently fucked up the arse.

Sometimes I think my uncle Brian takes Monopoly a bit too seriously...

My friend's just told me that he's dating twins. I asked him if he had any trouble telling them apart.

"Not at all." he said "It's really easy actually. Helen's got blonde hair and Brian's got a beard."

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My 75 y/o Scottish grandpa told me this at a family lunch.

A farmer walks into the bar and sits down beside me looking extremely agitated.


"What's goin' on with ya Pete?"


"Ah jesus, Brian. So I got up early and was milking my biggest cow in her stall. I had a pail just about full when she kicked her right leg and spilled the entire thi...

Every year on St Patrick’s Day Saint Patrick comes down out of Heaven and goes to an Irish pub.

This past St Patrick’s day he goes to Murphy’s local pub. Murphy walked in a see St Patrick sitting in the corner of the pub with his big green bishops hat, his green robes and his staff and he asks the bartender “Hey, is that St Patrick sitting in the corner?”

And the bartender says “Well ye...

Contagious

Little Jimmy was in school the next day and his teacher told the class they were going to focus on a new word for the day: "Contagious".

The teacher gave the class ten minutes to come up with a sentence containing the word of the day. When time was up, she asked them each to come up and read ...

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Little boy comes running home to tell his mom he just saw daddy with another woman..

“Mummy, mummy, I just saw daddy parked up near the woods and he had that nice woman from the grocery store in the car with him”
 

“Really?? What were they doing?”
 

“Well, at first they were just kissing, then daddy put his hand in her shirt then they both took ...

A schrondinger's cat walks into a bar

and it doesn't ...

~Brian marlow

Does Freddie know how to play guitar?

No, but Brian may

The doctor said I have dyslexia which is a Brain condition

Which makes no sense since my name is not Brian

Pregnancy

Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels. His wife Maggie was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital. Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor. “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?” The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “just try to relax...

I told my son I was named after Albert Einstein

"But your name is Brian", he said.

"Yeah, I know - and I was named *after* Albert Einstein", you little prick.

There was a family and a family friend eating dinner.

There was a mom, a dad, a little girl, and the family friend, Brian. The little girl greeted the family friend, “Hi grandpa Brian!” The mom and dad looked at the little girl, obviously confused. The dad said “Brian isn’t your Grandpa, love.” The little girl looked at the father and asked “What makes...

Following the recent anti-Islam film made, there will be a film made to mock Jesus Christ.

It will be released in 1979 and will be called Life of Brian

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A King hates fruits!

The king has a birthday and he asks that the guests don't bring him any fruit as gifts or he will put the fruits up their bottoms.

On his birthday, thousands of people come and everyone makes sure to bring gifts that the king would like. This one simple-minded guy brings an apple, so the King...

Probably one for British people

A man and his wife were on their honeymoon and about to do the deed. The wife stops the husband unexpectedly.

"Darling," she says. "I am afraid I have a dark secret to tell you, and I haven't been entirely honest with you."

"Sweetheart, no matter what you have done in the past I will f...

Science Jokes

A virus walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve viruses in this bar."
The virus replaces the bartender and says, "Now we do."


An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases in this bar."
The infectious disease says, "wel...

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