Sean Jokes - 79 Hilarious Sean Jokes

Sean Connery walks into a bar

and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."...

I tried to send Sean Bean a death threat

He mistook it for a job offer. :(

Sean Connery once asked his wife to sit on his face.

Once.

What time does Sean Connery usually play racket sports?

Ten-ish

One of Sean Lock's, in memoriam-

How do you stop a dog humping your leg?

Pick him up and suck him off instead.

Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day

The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.

"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"

"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he sa...

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Sean Connery never had much luck on a busy bus.

"Mind if I shit there?"

Alex Trebek died shortly after Sean Connery.

He had to hurry and get to heaven before Connery found his Mother.

When Sean Connery first learned to talk..

he would pronounce his name like "Sawn."

His mother explained, "no dear, the S makes a "SH" sound.

And the resht is hishtory.

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Student 1:My name is Sean Archer and my surname represents that my forefathers were Archers

Student 2 : My name is Sarah Baker and my surname represents that my forefathers were Bakers

Student 3 : My name is John Dickinson and I fucking hate this game

Sean Connery was the original choice to play Sebastian in The Little Mermaid

He turned the role down because, he said, "as a child I was always told not to be shellfish."

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Sean is walking the streets of Dublin....

He turns down a street and comes across a crowd.

He goes over to see what all the fuss is about and sees everyone staring at a burning building.

On the top floor is a group of people who are trapped and can't get down, screaming and pleading for someone to help them.

Sean runs t...

Why did Sean Connery throw away his zucchini?

Courgette was rotten

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I heard Sean Connery.......(nsfw)

I heard Sean Connery was so traumatized, he stopped giving oral sex...

...after that one time he asked a woman to sit on his face.

So Sean Connery Died today.....

Couldn't he have died another day?

(Sean is hands down the best James Bond!)

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Paddy dies a terrible death...

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician ro...

How does Sean Connery shave?

Ctrl+esh. Like everyone elshe.

Safe travels, Sir.

Sean Connery used to take photos of himself up against every bookcase he ever saw.

He loved his shelfies.

Sean Connerys wife was killed last year after his book case tipped over on her. In an interview, an extremely guilt ridden Sean Connery said:

I only have my shelf to blame.

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In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy...

In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy. During his time there, he was in charge of a covert operation to spy on a Russian military installation which was directly next to a small lake.

He was in charge of a small team of highly trained soldiers, a few locals recruited to help with the op...

Sean Connery was making a tennis date with a lady friend.

He asks her "what time would you like to meet?"

She says "Tennish"

He says, "I know but what time?"

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Viagra won't turn you into Sean Connery

but it will make you roger more

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Three Irishmen, Mick, Sean and Paddy.

Mick: "Women are so stupid, my wife has just bought a car and she can't even drive!"

Sean: "That's nothing, my wife's on a diet and she's not even fat"

Paddy: "That's fuck all, my wife's taken 30 condoms to Benidorm for a singles holiday and she hasn't even got a cock!"

Sean Connery built a magnificent bookcase

It was the centerpiece of the library in his mansion and even the Queen herself praised it as one of the top bookcases in all of England. Everyone who ever visited his library has marvelled at the sheer greatness of this bookcase and many said that if acting didn't work out, that he would have had ...

Why does nobody touch Sean Connery's chips?

They heard their flavor was shower cream and onion

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What would a sadistic Sean Connery sex shop be called?

Lash But Not Leash

Have Sean Connery and Daniel Craig ever hung out?

I think they would really bond

The Best Sean Connery Joke In EXISTENCE!

(Read in Mr. Connery's voice)
Ash I wash walking through my houshe, a book fell on me.
I had only myshelf to blame.

Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?

Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.

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Sean Connery was very rude to his guests, and treated his driver terribly

I went to his house once and he didn't even offer me a seat. He just kept asking if I wanted to shit on his chauffeur

What did Sean Connery say when he contemplated converting to Judaism and heard a ram’s horn being blown during a New Year’s service?

Shofar, shogood.

What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?

"I have only my shelf to blame"

In honor of Sir Sean Connery (2 of 2)

James Bond is sitting at the bar doing a vodka martini, shaken not schtirred, when he notices a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar.

He glances at his watch, looks up and gives her a knowing wink.

Intrigued, she walks over, smiles and says, "What was that all about? Why did y...

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Sean Connery is at his first day of Kindergarten...

The boy acts up, so the teacher tells him to go sit in the corner.

A few minutes later, a horrible smell begins to emanate from where Sean is.

"Sean!" The teacher screams, "What did you do that for?!"

"Well, Mish" Sean replies. "You did tell me to shit in the corner..."

56 years ago a prophet predicted Sean Connery's death.

Instead of: I expect you to die at the ripe old age of 90 while you sleep Mr. Sean Connery.

They ad libbed: I expect you to die Mr. Bond

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Sean Connery is sitting at his desk

His wife walks in and says, "we need to talk, can I sit down?" Sean Connery says, "Shit."

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What does Sean Connery reading you a bedtime story have in common with a gastrointestinal doctor?

"Are you shitting comfortably?"

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An oldie in honor of Sir Sean Connery, RIP

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer....

Why was Sean Connery wearing pointy ears on stage in Las Vegas?

He was impersonating Elvish.

What did Sean Connery say in a dirty kitchen?

Dishes, concerning.

Where does Sean Connery keep his guns?

In the library of course. They're for shelf-defense.

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'...

Teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
“Well done, Roland," says the teacher, "can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie...

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Why did Sean Connery get kicked out of the strip club?

He told a stripper to sit on his lap.

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Drunk Sean Spicer

Sean Spicer had a few extra shots at the White House ball. Drunk as a skunk, he wandered the grounds until he came upon the Rochambeau statue in Lafayette Square.

As he sat puking in the bushes, he suddenly heard a distinct pssssttt... Afraid that a MSNBC journalist might catch him in this st...

Sean Connery's New Job

Sean Connery's agent calls him up and says "I've got an audition for you tomorrow about 10ish"

Sean says "Great! I'll bring my racket"

Let’s give it a few days before we start making Sean Connery Jokes

It’s too shoon

Did you know Sean Connery is a massive fan of onions?

Yeah, apparently he likesh them shallot

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I call my penis Sean Connery

He used to be in everything but now he's basically retired...

I wouldn't let Sean Connery play with my pet lobsters.

He called me a "Shellfish Basterd."

Sean Connery walks into a bar

Sean Connery walks into a bar. He says "I'd like a single shot." The bartender says "That's a good idea because if you had the chickenpox, the virus is already in you."

Sean Connery's doctor told him...

...that it wasn't healthy to keep eating entire eggs, shells and all. "Just give it up for 40 days in the spring, and I bet you'll feel better."

The actor took his advice, and returned after 40 days.

"How was it?" the doctor asked.

Sean Connery smiled. "Eggshell-Lent!"

Sean Connery had a load of books fall on his head, thanks to dodgy DIY

He has only his shelf to blame

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Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right...

Why didn't Sean Connery get his roof fixed?

He said he "couldn't find a shingle person to do it."

What did Sean Connery say when he noticed that there wasn't any electricity in the Pennsylvania countryside?

"Shomething'sh Amish..."

When does Sean Connery's accent provide more information than regular English?

When he's sitting on a toilet.

(and you just read that in his voice)

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Sean's been drunk...

Sean's been to the pub drinking stout all evening. He's very drunk and it's late. The barkeep announces "Last Call!" Sean protests and the barkeep tells him, "Sean, it's time ya drink up a get yeself home." Sean hoist his drink and drains it and commences to get up from the bar stool. Thud! He la...

Sean Connery’s kids thought Jesus didn’t have a beard.

Because he always told them that Jesus saves.

Sean Connery finds a cupboard in his house he hasn't used before

A rare moment of shelf discovery.

Breaking news: Sean Connery had a bunch of books fall on him.

When asked what happened, he said, "I'm ok, I only have my shelf to blame."

Sean walks into his local pub in Ireland

His friends all say "Hi Sean", and Sean says "Lads, you wouldn't believe what happened to me while I was walking to the pub. I saw a very shapely lady tied to the railroad tracks. Well, I ran over and untied her and we made passionate love together." One of the guys says "Sean, did you get any ...

An Irish genius named Sean...

An Irish genius named Sean once discovered how to clone himself but was always hesitant to make more than 9 copies of himself. It turns out he couldn't handle the ten-Sean among everyone.

Sean Connery is doing his part for COVID, he reorganized his fridge

He’s shelf isolating.

Sean Connery was recently injured by a pile of books that fell on him.

When asked about the incident, he responded, “I had nobody but my shelf to blame.”

Sean Connery: A Man Who Conquers All

*obviously, this is read in the man's grizzled voice*

What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle?

When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection.

TIFU by doing a Sean Connery impersonation all day.

My friend dared me to do my best Sean Connery impersonation for twenty-four hours yesterday, and it was going really well, until last night....

I asked my girlfriend to sit on my face.

Me and the wife had a few issues in the bedroom last night...

That’s the last time I use my Sean Connery accent to ask her to sit on my face.

Sean Connery had fallen on hard times. His work had completely dried up.

Then one day out of the blue his agent rang and said "Sean, I've got a job for you. It starts tomorrow, you've got to get there early, for 10'ish." Sean frowned "For 10'ish? But I havent even got a racket!"

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How do you tell the difference between my mom and Sean Connery

By the way they pronounce LETITSNOW

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Rural Irish Pub

Patrick and Sean go to the same pub for 15 years. Every day, Sean nods his head to Patrick and says, “Patrick.” Patrick nods his head to Sean and says, “Sean.” and then they drink their Guinnesses. After 15 years, Sean says to Patrick, “Feck, I have to hit the loo” and goes to the bathroom. Patrick...

Sean Bean is the Narrator for Civilization VI

So I guess he dies after the Bronze Age or ...?

Sean Connery arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by St. Peter, who says:

Sean! We’ve been waiting for a while, sorry you had to leave, but the big man can’t wait to meet you. He’s gonna come a see you about ten-ish.
Sean thinks for a second an replies,
“Tennish? But I didn’t bring a racquet”

RIP Lgend. You were the best bond by far.

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Never ask Sean Connery for financial advice

He told me to shave my money, but all I ended up with was torn bills :( Dick move, Sean.

Why was Sean Connery giving away his lobster costume?

He was trying to be a little less shellfish.

I told Sean Connery about how I was crushed by a pile of books.

He said 'you've only got your shelf to blame'.

(OC) What does Sean Connery use to dry his plates?

Dishtowel

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Sean Connery is interviewed by GQ Magazine...

and the reporter breathlessly asks his idol, "Mr. Connery your fans have three questions for you, do you drink martinis shaken or stirred?" In a deep Scottish brogue Sean Connery replies, "Shaken."
"And which do you prefer, Octopussy or Pussy Galore?" to which Sean Connery barely lets him finish...

Why was Sean Connery asked to leave the wildlife conservatory?

He kept saying he wanted to shave the animals.

What time does Sean Connery play the game with two rackets and a yellow ball?

Tenish.

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