UPJOKE
shawnshaunjohnwilliamsjeanfrench languagejuansinnnormandychienisabelleconneryseinnoschen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that Sean Connery wrote an entire book on the toilet?

Aye, he wrote it in one shitting

What is Sean Connery's favourite sport, and what time does he like to play?

Tennish.

Why did Sean Connery throw away his zucchini?

Courgette was rotten

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"


"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


"Rig...

One of Sean Lock's, in memoriam-

How do you stop a dog humping your leg?

Pick him up and suck him off instead.

Sean Connery had his dog trained

He got the dog to do all kinds of tricks. Roll over, do a flip, fetch certain items, but anytime he tried to get the dog to sit, it would defecate on the floor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Sean Connery reading you a bedtime story have in common with a gastrointestinal doctor?

"Are you shitting comfortably?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sean is walking the streets of Dublin....

He turns down a street and comes across a crowd.

He goes over to see what all the fuss is about and sees everyone staring at a burning building.

On the top floor is a group of people who are trapped and can't get down, screaming and pleading for someone to help them.

Sean runs t...

Sean Connery walks into a bar

and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."...

At what time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

Tenish.

There was a building with 4 apartments

In the first apartment was a boxer named Sean. In the second apartment was a soccer player named Andres. In the third was a blind man named Ian, and in the 4th apartment was a beautiful woman named Elizabeth. One day, Elizabeth decided to take a shower. She got in the shower then heard the doorbell ...

Sean Connery was making a tennis date with a lady friend.

He asks her "what time would you like to meet?"

She says "Tennish"

He says, "I know but what time?"

Alex Trebek died shortly after Sean Connery.

He had to hurry and get to heaven before Connery found his Mother.

Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day

The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.

"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"

"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy...

In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy. During his time there, he was in charge of a covert operation to spy on a Russian military installation which was directly next to a small lake.

He was in charge of a small team of highly trained soldiers, a few locals recruited to help with the op...

what do you call an Irishman hanging from the ceiling?

"Sean D'Olier" ........ What do you call his wife "Crystal"

Sean Connery once asked his wife to sit on his face.

Once.

Why was Sean Connery wearing pointy ears on stage in Las Vegas?

He was impersonating Elvish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sean Connery was very rude to his guests, and treated his driver terribly

I went to his house once and he didn't even offer me a seat. He just kept asking if I wanted to shit on his chauffeur

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would a sadistic Sean Connery sex shop be called?

Lash But Not Leash

Did you know Sean Connery used to save the egg shells from pancake day and paint them to use for egg hunts at Easter?

It was an egg shell lent idea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man shits at a table in a bar.

This is why Sean Connery never told jokes.

Sean Connery had a load of books fall on his head, thanks to dodgy DIY

He has only his shelf to blame

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard Sean Connery.......(nsfw)

I heard Sean Connery was so traumatized, he stopped giving oral sex...


...after that one time he asked a woman to sit on his face.

So Sean Connery Died today.....

Couldn't he have died another day?



(Sean is hands down the best James Bond!)

Have Sean Connery and Daniel Craig ever hung out?

I think they would really bond

How does Sean Connery shave?

Ctrl+esh. Like everyone elshe.

Safe travels, Sir.

I heard that Sean Connery likes to cover his food in herbs.

But only partially.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Dishes

Dishes who?

Dishes Sean Connery

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Viagra won't turn you into Sean Connery

but it will make you roger more

Sean Connerys wife was killed last year after his book case tipped over on her. In an interview, an extremely guilt ridden Sean Connery said:

I only have my shelf to blame.

Let’s give it a few days before we start making Sean Connery Jokes

It’s too shoon

Sean Connery was arranging his bookcase when one of the books fell from the top and landed on his head.

Unfortunately Sean Connery only had his shelf to blame.

Sean Connery passed away peacefully in his sleep at age 90, he and Roger Moore were good friends...

They shared a Bond.

56 years ago a prophet predicted Sean Connery's death.

Instead of: I expect you to die at the ripe old age of 90 while you sleep Mr. Sean Connery.

They ad libbed: I expect you to die Mr. Bond

In honor of Sir Sean Connery (2 of 2)

James Bond is sitting at the bar doing a vodka martini, shaken not schtirred, when he notices a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar.

He glances at his watch, looks up and gives her a knowing wink.

Intrigued, she walks over, smiles and says, "What was that all about? Why did y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sean Connery is at his first day of Kindergarten...

The boy acts up, so the teacher tells him to go sit in the corner.

A few minutes later, a horrible smell begins to emanate from where Sean is.

"Sean!" The teacher screams, "What did you do that for?!"

"Well, Mish" Sean replies. "You did tell me to shit in the corner..."

Why does nobody touch Sean Connery's chips?

They heard their flavor was shower cream and onion

Sean Connery arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by St. Peter, who says:

Sean! We’ve been waiting for a while, sorry you had to leave, but the big man can’t wait to meet you. He’s gonna come a see you about ten-ish.
Sean thinks for a second an replies,
“Tennish? But I didn’t bring a racquet”


RIP Lgend. You were the best bond by far.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An oldie in honor of Sir Sean Connery, RIP

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer....

Shy does Sean Connery have a lot of wood chip in the bank?

He opened a shavings account.

What did Sean Connery say in a dirty kitchen?

Dishes, concerning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Student 1:My name is Sean Archer and my surname represents that my forefathers were Archers

Student 2 : My name is Sarah Baker and my surname represents that my forefathers were Bakers

Student 3 : My name is John Dickinson and I fucking hate this game

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Irishmen, Mick, Sean and Paddy.

Mick: "Women are so stupid, my wife has just bought a car and she can't even drive!"

Sean: "That's nothing, my wife's on a diet and she's not even fat"

Paddy: "That's fuck all, my wife's taken 30 condoms to Benidorm for a singles holiday and she hasn't even got a cock!"

“Mr. Sean Connery, Sir, could I perhaps look at your tool selection and borrow what I need to fix my broken, wall-mounted ledge?”

“By all means, help your shelf.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Sean Connery get kicked out of the strip club?

He told a stripper to sit on his lap.

What time does Sean Connery play the game with two rackets and a yellow ball?

Tenish.

Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him..

His maid rushed to the scene and asked " are you alright, sir ?"

Sean : "it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame ."

Sean Connery built a magnificent bookcase

It was the centerpiece of the library in his mansion and even the Queen herself praised it as one of the top bookcases in all of England. Everyone who ever visited his library has marvelled at the sheer greatness of this bookcase and many said that if acting didn't work out, that he would have had ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sean Connery is sitting at his desk

His wife walks in and says, "we need to talk, can I sit down?" Sean Connery says, "Shit."

Sean Connery had fallen on hard times. His work had completely dried up.

Then one day out of the blue his agent rang and said "Sean, I've got a job for you. It starts tomorrow, you've got to get there early, for 10'ish." Sean frowned "For 10'ish? But I havent even got a racket!"

Sean Connery told me he got a tattoo of armour on his mouth, and that I mustn't tell anyone.

"OK," I replied, "And I recently cheated on my wife. So you must keep my secret, if you want me to keep yours."

He said, "My lips are shield."

Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?

Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.

I got a pop up ad for a locally owned Sean Connery roofing supply company

It said, “shingles in your area”.

Sean Connery finds a cupboard in his house he hasn't used before

A rare moment of shelf discovery.

Sean Connery is doing his part for COVID, he reorganized his fridge

He’s shelf isolating.

When does Sean Connery's accent provide more information than regular English?

When he's sitting on a toilet.

(and you just read that in his voice)

SEAN CONNERY: Look a sea horse

**ME:** They're called mares

I wouldn't let Sean Connery play with my pet lobsters.

He called me a "Shellfish Basterd."

Did you know Sean Connery is a massive fan of onions?

Yeah, apparently he likesh them shallot

Sean Connery’s kids thought Jesus didn’t have a beard.

Because he always told them that Jesus saves.

An irishman named Sean cloned himself multiple times but just couldn't stand being around the 11th one...

There was ten Sean between them.

I told Sean Connery about how I was crushed by a pile of books.

He said 'you've only got your shelf to blame'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you tell the difference between my mom and Sean Connery

By the way they pronounce LETITSNOW

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly Rabbi and an elderly Priest are good friends in the retirement home.

One day the priest asks, "So tell me, Benjamin, be honest now, have you ever had bacon?" The old rabbi sighs and leans back, "Ashamedly yes. One day, In my youth, I gave into temptation and had bacon wrapped shrimp with cheese sauce....Now tell me Sean, be honest now, have you ever had sex?" The old...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a cold and rainy night

On a cold and rainy night during the era when traveling salesmen still pedaled goods door to door, Gary , a young English wallpaper representative breaks down on an Irish county road .Luckily ,there is a farm house not far from the road .As he is an englishman in Ireland , he cautiously makes his wa...

The Best Sean Connery Joke In EXISTENCE!

(Read in Mr. Connery's voice)
Ash I wash walking through my houshe, a book fell on me.
I had only myshelf to blame.

Sean Connery lay on his death bed as he is rushed in a helicopter.

But he isn't on his way to the hospital. As the craft gently touches down, he is carefully wheeled off and pushed into the midst of beautiful New Orleans.

"Well, here we are, Sir Connery," his doctor says, beaming. "Orleans Parish, the most culturally diverse and gorgeous parish in all of Lo...

I asked Sean Connery, "What sport will you be playing tomorrow and when?"

He replied, "Ten(n)-ish."

Where does Sean Connery keep his guns?

In the library of course. They're for shelf-defense.

Alex Trebek and Sean Connery are at a seafood restaurant enjoying a dinner together.

Alex decides to get an order of oysters and when they come out they're still in the shell. Alex tries everything he can, but for some reason just can't even get one open. Exasperated, he looks over at Sean Connery and asks "how am I supposed to open this damn thing?" Sean Connery smiles, hands him a...

I was in a building fire with Sean Connery...

I got third degree burns wondering why he told me shave my shelf...

Sean Bean is walking down the street

Heard you guys like long OC.

 

Sean Bean is walking down the street, enjoying his Sunday night. Suddenly, a black paneled van pulls up next to him. Four massive dudes in ski masks wearing all black leap out and try to grab him. Sean remembers his GoT training and manages to ta...

What did Sean Connery say when he noticed that there wasn't any electricity in the Pennsylvania countryside?

"Shomething'sh Amish..."

Sean walks into his local pub in Ireland

His friends all say "Hi Sean", and Sean says "Lads, you wouldn't believe what happened to me while I was walking to the pub. I saw a very shapely lady tied to the railroad tracks. Well, I ran over and untied her and we made passionate love together." One of the guys says "Sean, did you get any ...

What does Sean Connery call a cigarette in space?

An ashtronaut

TIFU by doing a Sean Connery impersonation all day.

My friend dared me to do my best Sean Connery impersonation for twenty-four hours yesterday, and it was going really well, until last night....

I asked my girlfriend to sit on my face.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I call my penis Sean Connery

He used to be in everything but now he's basically retired...

Why was Sean Connery giving away his lobster costume?

He was trying to be a little less shellfish.

What Did Sean Connery Say When He Received A Free Order Of Lobster?

"Would you like a bite? I'm not feeling shellfish today."

Why was Sean Connery asked to leave the wildlife conservatory?

He kept saying he wanted to shave the animals.

Nothing is certain but death, taxes and Sean Bean dying in a movie

...and I'm not completely sure about the first two.

Sean Spicer, United Airlines CEO and Pepsi's PR team walk into a bar...

They're all getting fired, so drinking on a Tuesday is acceptable.

Why didn't Sean Connery get his roof fixed?

He said he "couldn't find a shingle person to do it."

Sean Connery walks into a bar

Sean Connery walks into a bar. He says "I'd like a single shot." The bartender says "That's a good idea because if you had the chickenpox, the virus is already in you."

Sean Bean is the Narrator for Civilization VI

So I guess he dies after the Bronze Age or ...?

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.