I’ve started selling land mines disguised as prayers mats.

Prophets have been going through the roof.

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

My family owns a business making safety mats.

Personally I see myself selling mirrors, but it’s something to fall back on.

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FOUND A STARVING, DIRTY, SMELLY, SKINNY, AND MATTED KITTY.....

Hubby and I felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come to get her.
My hubby (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't fo...

Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your shoes on the mat as you came in?

New Employee: Yes sir.



Boss: We are also very keen on truthfulness. There's no mat.

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[NSFW] Mary has 3 kids Mat, Pat and Tat

When it was time to feed them, Mat sucked the left tit, Pat sucked the right tit, and so gentlemen, there was no tit for tat.

I have a hemp welcome mat.

Some view it as a gateway rug.

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My Wife is missing.

Husband:

My wife is missing.

She went out yesterday and has not come home...



Sergeant at Police Station:

What is her height?



Husband:

Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.



Sergeant:

Weight?



Husb...

My mate is made completely out of matted wool fabric.

He's felt better

A friend of mine makes prayer mats with hidden explosives

I asked how his business is doing, he said: "Great! Prophets are through the roof!"

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Man escapes from insane asylum, and has sex with a girl in a laundry mat.

The newspaper the next day reads:

"Nut screws washers and bolts."

Roses are red, I bought a new door mat

Let's write some jokes, but use this format.

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The wrestling match was about to begin...

...and the Contender's coach was once again lecturing the Contender.

"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times-don't let the Champion get you in The Pretzel! No one has ever been able to get out of The Pretzel!"

The Contender nodded his head, getting ready for the match. ...

What do you call a man standing on your front porch?

Mat

Hookers should use laundry mats as fronts for their brothels

They both charge by the load.

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A redneck wrestler

has beaten every opponent he's been up against and is now going international. Before the match against the Russian champion, his coach sits him down.

"Now, look, you're faster and more agile than this guy. He's big and strong, but just keep moving and let him tire himself out and you can b...

I'm starting a career by putting bombs in prayer mats

I think prophets will go through the roof

A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort ...

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One fine day, the three billy goats...

One fine day, the three billy goats gruff went out for a walk. They took their usual path over the sweet grassy hills towards the river where they would cross the stone bridge and climb the mountain.

When they reached the bridge they were surprised to see the Troll waiting for them, stand...

A man goes into a Massage Parlor for his first Thai Massage

He's a little nervous because he's never gotten one before.

Before they start the woman asks him if he has any questions.

He says, "What should I expect?"

She replies, "Well you'll wear loose, comfortable clothing and lie on a mat. Traditional Thai massage uses no oils or lotio...

A cowboy's horse died on his way to town...

As he was walking down the dusty trail, he happened across a ranch. With a renewed sense of hope, he asked the stable keeper if he had any horses for sale.

"Sorry, I've fallen on hard times myself. I had to sell all of my horses!"

The cowboy noticed a rather strange-looking steed stand...

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World Wrestling Championship. At the final are American and Japanese wrestlers.

Before the game, the American coach said:

- See John. I have not told you yet, but this Japanese is very strong and very corrupt. He has a favorite grip. If he applies it, everything is lost.

- No problem, trainer. I'll handle him somehow.

The fight begins. The wrestlers go out ...

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A guy is walking by a gym, when he notices a sign out front that reads "Lose 5 Pounds in 10 Minutes Guaranteed!"

Curious, he enters the gym. He asks about the sign and the clerk tells him it's legit, but it costs $100. The clerk also tells him that if he doesn't lose 5 pounds, he gets his money back.

The guy shrugs and lays $100 on the counter. He is led to a large, empty room covered in floor mats. ...

The Purple Gorilla.

Once upon a time there was a man driving down an old road at night when his car broke down on the side of the road. He saw a small house not to far away. He decided to see if the house had anyone willing to help him out. The man knocked on the door and almost instantly an old lady swung open the doo...

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Olympic wrestling

A Russian and a Norwegian wrestler named Ole were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal.

Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold h...

A huge crab walks into a bar...

...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a ...

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A day in the ER

Sean Bean's wife brings her husband into the Emergency department with a broken nose and a bruised shoulder. During triage the nurse asks how the Sean sustained the injuries. After a nudge from his wife, he sullenly replies "I was looking over my shoulder and walked into a door." The nurse wonders h...

Muslim Band

I went to see a Muslim Tribute band last night at a Mosque.

They were called "Bomb Jovi" and I thought they were brilliant.

They performed songs like: "Losing my Head over You", "Rocket Launcher Man", "You're Six, you're Beautiful, and you're Mine".

Their last song "Living on...

Once upon a time

...there was a Chieftain who presided over a community that lived in the steppe, where everything was grassland as far as the eye could see, and almost no trees grew. Because of its rarity, wood was prized, and this Chieftain happened to own a large, ornate chair made of wood that was his most price...

Newspaper ad - RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet...

Man walks into a bar and orders 5 shots of liquor

He spills the first and the last into the spill mat, then one-gulps the other ones. The bartender notices, but says nothing since the guy paid for all 5 anyway. Then he orders another round, keeps spilling the first and the last and so on and so forth.

"Buddy, why do you keep doing that?" th...

Blonde walks into a...

A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."

What do you call a movie about Matt Damon haunting a carpet store?

The Mat Demon

God is having a tough day

(Not sure if this is a repost)

It’s particularly busy in heaven, and God decides that he is only going to let the most upsetting and ridiculous deaths into heaven.

The day goes on and around midday three men arrive at St. Peter’s gates, and god stops them, he says...

“Sorry guys...

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An American wrestler prepares to face the Russian in the Olympics....

..... the americans coach is explaining to him to win the gold medal he must defeat the Russian. The Russia has never lost a match because he has a move called " The pretzel " every opponent trapped in the pretzel loses the match. So the wrestler and his coach devise an entire strategy devoted to av...

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Suzie and her triplets

Suzy gave birth to triplets and named them Mat , Pat and Tat.

She fed Mat from her left breast and Pat from her right!

Moral : Sometimes there's no Tit for Tat!

A bartender is cleaning some glasses when a pair of blondes walk in...

...and he watches as they sit down at a table together.
He gets their orders but as he walks away he hears them chant, "Fifty-one...fifty-one...fifty-one..."

A few minutes later, a couple of more blondes join them at the table. Getting a bit rowdier with more drinks, they begin to chant l...

The Russian Pretzel. Slight NSFW

It is the day of the World Championship in Freestyle wrestling. Just before the Gold medal match, a coach is giving one last pep talk before his man goes on the match.
"O.k. This Russian is known as the best of all time. He has gone undefeated for 7 years now and it is all because of his famous P...

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The Dogs

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, discussing why they were there. The first dog, a poodle, told his woeful tale.


"My owners bought the great new sports car with leather seats. They took me for a ride in it one day, and I was so excited, I couldn't help myself. I we...

What do you call the two armless, legless Sweedish guys on my front porch?

Mats

Bonus: What do you call the guy with no arms and no legs that's underneath my car? Jack.

Bonus2: What do you call the guy with no arms and no legs floating in the pool? Bob.

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Three men approach the gates of heaven and before they can go in God has to hear their stories of how they died

Three men approach the gates of heaven and meet up with God. Before God can let them in, he has to hear the stories of how they die. God asks the first man, "How did you die?"

Well said the first man, I was a construction worker working on the roof when I slipped and fell. I managed to grab o...

Escargot

A woman sends her husband out to buy escargot for dinner party that night.
Instead of going straight to the store, he stops off at the pub.
Six beers later, he remembers: "The dinner party!"
He staggers to the store, buys all the escargot they have and staggers back home, where he promptly ...

Why do mathematicians dislike cloth rugs?

They prefer fur mats.

The world's philosophers and theologians have gathered for a summit...

...held, dramatically enough, on the summit of an actual mountain. Everyone was having a great time, mingling together, discussing the great philosophical questions of the day.

Rumors started to swirl around about one particular holy man who had joined the day's festivities. This particularly...

Name Jokes

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and sits in front of a door? Mat

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and swims? Bob

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and sits in a big steel pot? Stu

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and ha...

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Tom, John and Peter went for a long-awaited hike together.

After hours spent on hiking up the mountain, they finally reached the summit. Exhausted, they immediately collapsed on the ground, where Tom said,"I've got a surprise for you guys! He immediately took out the most delicious looking food that they ever saw. He then sat a picnic mat down. "This is to ...

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The kids at school used to call my mum the village bike

She wasn’t promiscuous; when I was six years old she went missing and they found her in the canal.

(Mat Ewins)

If I had a dollar for every time I stepped on the cat when I arrived home...

I could afford to wipe my shoes on a proper door mat

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Two Redneck

Two rednecks, Jake and Bubba, were sitting in a bar one night watching
rasslin' on the tube. At the end of the match was an advertisement.
A loud, obnoxious character came on screaming about $10,000 dollars in
prize money for anyone who could defeat "The Killer".

Jake looked at Bubb...

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Washing cars

One day, little Jimmy was walking home from school when something catches his eye. Peering into a shop window he saw a brand new red bicycle. "Wow," he thought to himself, "that sure is a great looking bike but neither my parents or I can afford it!". Jimmy stares at it in admiration for a few minut...

Black Bart

A man rides into an old west town and he notices as he's riding up that there's no one around. He heads over to the sheriff's office and knocks on the door, when he does he hears a shout from around the building. As he rounds the building to see what's up he sees a man in the window, and is surprise...

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A man joins a monastery...

A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away, bringing him warm mats and rugs to pray and lie on. Seven more year...

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Spike & The Parrot.

A woman called a dishwasher repairman. Since she had to go to work, she told him she would leave the key under the mat and for him to
leave his bill on the counter and she would send him a check. "Don't worry about my Dobberman Spike. He won't bother you, but, whatever you do, do not, under any ...

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After a long, miserable day a man hears a knock at the door..

He walks to the door and opens it to find there's no one there. He assumes it must be the neighborhood kids messing with him, so he angrily slams the door and begins to walk away.
He takes a couple steps and hears the knock again. He lunges back and quickly opens the door, hoping to catch the kid...

I walked into a store today...

...and they were selling explosives disguised as prayer mats. I wasn't one to judge them; after all, they'd said prophets were going through the roof.

What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten?

The cat shat on the mat.

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