UPJOKE
songvocalistoperasopranomusicjazzclassical musicmadonnacroonerchoirtenoraltosongwriterariamusician

Don't marry a singer.

I married one and it was just "me, me, me" all the time.

Who's Santas favorite singer?

Elf-is Presley !

I just met the lead singer of Mushroomhead

He seems like a fungi

What kind of computer is the best singer?

A dell

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great singer, and the other had a delicious bakery.

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

How do you to turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put him in the oven 'till his Bill Withers

I work as the lead singer in a U2 tribute band that provides free performances for charities and at protests

I'm a pro bono pro Bono

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Legendary Welsh singer Tom Jones visits Legendary Liverpudlian Cilla Black,with an offer of amazing sexy sex.

He says, "I'll make love to you three times, and each time will be better than the last. It'll be the best sex you've ever ever had. I'll need a sleep in between bouts, but apart from that it'll be sex sex sexy sex."

Cilla Black agrees, and Tom Jones, true to his word, gives her the most amaz...

I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines. He’s a Singer songwriter…

…or sew it seams

Please, no jokes about the passing of singer and 'Rocky Horror' actor Meat Loaf.

For a great many people that's a rather tender subject.

How many country singers does it take to change a light bulb?

2. One to change it and one to sing about how much they miss the old one.

What do you call it when a singer gets a chance?

An opera-tunity!

Whats a sharks favourite singer?

Sharkira!!! (Don't say you didn't see this coming)

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

TIL Korean singers never say, "Yes daddy!"

They say, "K pops!"

Imagine you were friends with Oasis lead singer, Liam Gallagher.

You two grew up together and were the best of friends. That friendship was like no other.

You both bonded over many things, but the hobby you both got into was baseball. You’d both play catch, practice your pitches, and even went to watch pro games together.

During high school, y...

A horse, a sheep, and a chicken lived together on a farm.

The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar.


So the horse rings a music shop and he says, “Hey, I’d love to learn to play guitar. Is there anyone who can teach me”?


The music shop manager says “That’s not an issue, let’s get you started on some music lessons.” ...

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What did The Magic Flute opera singer say when his son asked him whether his putting on a costume loaded with feathers meant that he was a homosexual?

Papa gay? No!

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A professional singer was contacted by a priest who asked if she would sing at the funeral of a homeless man with no family, who had recently passed away.

Moved with compassion, the singer agreed. The priest informed her that, since he had no relatives or money, the man would be buried in a paupers grave in the countryside, and informed the singer she would have to drive herself. On the day of the funeral, the singer set out in her car following the d...

Dexter Holland wasn't always lead singer of the Offspring

Long ago he was in the seafood industry. He had a job shucking oysters for a restaurant. Anyway, one day he sees an ad for a competition in oyster shucking, but it is a team challenge. He shows up solo, and knows he won't be let in. His confidence is low at this point, but he still signs up. The att...

Did you hear about the opera singer who threw the game-opening baseball?

They say he had perfect pitch.

What’s a singer’s favorite sandwich?

So-la-mi

Was cleaning out our attic today when I found a dusty old Rolling Stone Magazine. One of the articles was about the late great singer Sam Cooke and had a photo of his report card from school.

History ~ Incomplete

Biology ~ Incomplete

Science ~ Incomplete

French ~ Incomplete

What do you call the people with cameras that follow opera singers?

The pavarazzi

TIL that Tibetan leaders can issue special forgiveness to buxom country music singers

It's known as the Dalai Pardon

What was the jazz singer’s fetish?

Scat

What's the worst place for a classical singer to get surgery?

The opera-hating room!

There was a seamstress who wanted to be a singer…

One day, she found a bottle, rubbed it, and inside was a genie. The genie granted her 3 wishes. Her 1st wish was “I want to be a singer”.

Her wish was granted, and she was turned into a sewing machine.

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Two people make a bet..

Long
(this is a translation from another language)
In the Royal court of King Akbar, there were two exceptionally skilled men, Birbal known for his wits, and Tansen known for being the best singer.
So one day Birbal was bragging about how smart he was, then Tansen challenged Birbal that if...

Being a musician is great for travelling and meeting new people. Throughout my career I have met amazing humans.

Once I met this Italian opera singer, amazing gal. Some other time an irish theremine player. But the other day I met a polish sound engineer. And a czech one too. And a czech one too. And a czech one too.

What do you call a fake opera singer?

Placebo Domingo

TIL Ariana Grande is actually a pop singer.

I thought it was a fancy coffee for white supremacists.

What vegetable is the best singer?

Corn, because it's always in hominy.

The lead singer of Disturbed has refused to get the Covid vaccine.

He's Down With The Sickness!

Due to the rise of autonomous vehicles

It's only a matter of time until a country singer makes a song about his truck leaving them.

What’s the difference between a terrorist and an opera singer?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

My wife is a horrible singer .

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

Who is Santa's favourite singer?

Elf-ish Presley

What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?

Eventually the puppy stops whining.

Which legendary soul singer had trouble peeing?

Urethra Franklin

Did you know? If a singer sings on stage their voice will echo but if a pigeon coos it doesn't

Because acoustics

What do you call a well dressed pop singer

Billie Stylish

The lead singer of The Eagles has been arrested by Customs.

Apparently he was trying to smuggle exotic animals parts into the country.


It turns out that you can't hide those lion eyes.

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Singers can be selfish arseholes, especially when warming up...

It’s all “me me me me me me me”

Frank Sinatra was dining out one night when a young high school lad came up to his table.

“Mr. Sinatra," said the teen-age boy, “my name is Bernie Rosenberg. Would you please do me a favor?”
“What kind of favor?” Sinatra asked.
Well, I’m here with my girl and I want to make a good impression on her. I certainly would appreciate it if you would drop by my table and say ‘Hi, Be...

The lead singer of Disturbed has decided he’s not going to self quarantine after contracting Covid-19

He’s down with the sickness

Captain Jean-Luc Picard needed to mend his torn uniform, but his old Singer was broken. So he took it down to the repair shop...

...and said, "make it sew."

So this famous singer was doing a giveaway...

The prize was a tablet a brand new phone and 1 minute of singing on stage with this famous singer. So a girl named Jess signed her brother up for the giveaway knowing full well he hates crowds and technology but sure enough he won the contest and he was forced to go on stage with this singer. Boy oh...

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Bono, the lead singer of U2 is known for being self-righteous ...

... He is also an A-list rock and roll celebrity.



At a recent concert in Glasgow Scotland, he asked the audience for complete and utter silence.



Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds. Holding the audience hostage in total silen...

In the early 1970s, a young man graduated from Seminary and was sent to a small Southern town to be their minister.

This young man looked almost exactly like country singer Conway Twitty. After settling in at his house, he decided to introduce himself to some members of his congregation.

The first stop was an elderly couple. He knocked on the door, the woman answered and yelled "Conway Twitty! Pa, come ...

The singer for the band Steppenwolf has been decapitated in a motorbike accident...

They found his head out on the highway...

What was the name of that old French singer again?

I keep forgetting.

what's the difference between a rapper and a country singer?

Country singers keep their hoes in the shed.

Who's the Death Star's greatest country singer?

Darth Brooks.

There was this wonderful singer in my choir class once. She couldn't read any of the music, but then again, tons of famous singers didn't read music.

I mean, Ray Charles couldn't read sheet music to save his life.

Did you hear about the singer who combines country music with rap?

His name is Hot Diggity Dogg

What do you call a singer after covid-19?

Post Carone

In church I heard an old lady saying a prayer

It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-
"Dear Lord,
This has been a tough couple of years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favourite pop singer Michael Jackson.
My favourite Blues artist BB King.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor....

Who is r/jokes' favorite singer?

Repost Malone

I like metal bands with female lead singers...

Something about women screaming makes me rock hard.

A bunch of actors were getting ready to be in a movie about famous singers and they were deciding who’s gonna be who

RDJ said “I’ll be Beethoven” and Hugh Jackman said “I’ll be Freddie Mercury” and then everyone turned to Arnold Schwarzenegger said “I’ll be Bach”

I love old singers

My favorites are 1940s French female singers.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer

Get a large jar, place the duck in it and fill it up with vinegar. Then wait until it’s Bill Withers.

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I opened the door last night to carol singers & said "Do you know Silent Night?"

"Yes" they replied
"Well piss off then because I want one!"

What do you call a cyborg who's also the lead singer of a Nu Metal band?

A White Noise Machine

A country singers truck

With the evolution of self driving cars it’s not gonna take long before a country singers truck leaves him as well as his wife.

All these singers dropping their new albums and songs.....

don't you think they oughta be a little careful the next time?

Bryan Singer and Kevin Spacey walk up to a bar

The bartender asks for their IDs. They walk away and say" well I guess we're not going to find what we're looking for here."

What is a classical singer's big break?

An opera-tunity.

What do you call an angry singer flipping someone off?

A song bird.

I had a terrible nightmare

It was quite strange. I dreamt that the Canadian singer-songwriter Abel Makkonen Tesfaye had conquered the world and instituted a horrible system of forced labor. There was no alternative.

Everybody was workin' for The Weeknd.

Do you know that Indonesian Jazz singer?

Frank Sumatra

Why are pirates such good singers?

Because they hit the high C's.

Why did the singer of System of a Down open a restaurant?

Because of his self-righteous soup and sides.

The lead singer of Smash Mouth is up late with a friend.

The lead singer of Smash Mouth is up late with a friend. His wife's not home; the past few nights she's returned past midnight with increasingly elaborate alibis. He's getting frustrated; he loves her, but he's not sure he can keep giving her the benefit of the doubt. His friend asks what he's go...

What do you call a sad singer in a bath tub....

A soap opera...


(My first joke)

Why are cats such great singers?

They're very mew-sical!

I like bands that are named for their lead singer.

You know, like Alice Cooper and Tool.

Did you hear about that Islamic singer?

His songs were Shiite

Soviet Russia used to have a leader who was also a singer in a rock band.

He's none other than John Lenin.

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A singer is holding a concert indoors.

While doing so, he feels the urge to defecate. As soon as he finishised the piece, he excuses himself upstairs.

He notices the WC has the hole continue indefinitely instead of curving, but doesn't worry too much. He does his buisness and goes downstairs.

There, everybody is running awa...

Whose soul did Ed Sheeran have to sell to become such a famous singer?

Because it certainly wasn't his

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A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."

The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"

"I don't know"

"Actress?"

"I don't know."

"Singer?"

"I don't know."

"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"

The ...

Liam Gallagher, lead singer of Oasis, decides to learn the politics of his home country. So he goes up to Noel and asks-

"What's a Tory, (Morning Glory), weeeelllll??"

What do you call a deep voiced singer who’s always grabbing his crotch?

A bass ball player

How do you know when there's a lead singer on your porch?

They can't find the right key and don't know when to come in.

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I would tell you guys a long-winded tale involving the singers of "It Wasn't Me" and "Drop It Like It's Hot"...

...but I don't think you guys would have time to read yet another Shaggy/Dogg story.

Singers needed

in choir within your local church.

Which singer has problems casting spells?

Barry Mana Low

I had to break up with my opera singer girlfriend...

It was always about MI MI MI MI MI!

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