Don't marry a singer.

I married one and it was just "me, me, me" all the time.

What makes mountains such good singers?

They have great range.

There was this wonderful singer in my choir class once. She couldn't read any of the music, but then again, tons of famous singers didn't read music.

I mean, Ray Charles couldn't read sheet music to save his life.

I just met the lead singer of Mushroomhead

He seems like a fungi

You know how some singers sing so high that windows break?

When I sing, they also break because people jump out of them.

What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?

Eventually the puppy stops whining.

The lead singer of The Eagles has been arrested by Customs.

Apparently he was trying to smuggle exotic animals parts into the country.


It turns out that you can't hide those lion eyes.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard needed to mend his torn uniform, but his old Singer was broken. So he took it down to the repair shop...

...and said, "make it sew."

A singer dies on the day of his concert

He really left his fans hanging.

The lead singer of Disturbed has Covid-19

He is really down with the sickness


Thanks for the gold!!

TIL Korean singers never say, "Yes daddy!"

They say, "K pops!"

What’s the difference between a terrorist and an opera singer?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Have you inspired many people to become new-age, Celtic singers?

Cos you’re making me wanna be Enya.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer

Get a large jar, place the duck in it and fill it up with vinegar. Then wait until it’s Bill Withers.

I was at my favourite singers concert, but it got delayed

Postponed Malone

Joke

So a man walked into a bar and said “I’ll take a coffee.” The woman serving asked him to pay and he did. He drank the cup of coffee and thanked the waitress. Then he asked for another. He looked through his pockets and there was no money. She saw it and said, “Money or no coffee.” Which he replied w...

The lead singer of Disturbed has decided he’s not going to self quarantine after contracting Covid-19

He’s down with the sickness

Who is Santa's favourite singer?

Elf-ish Presley

Why are pirates such good singers?

They hit the high c's...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Singers can be selfish arseholes, especially when warming up...

It’s all “me me me me me me me”

A bunch of actors were getting ready to be in a movie about famous singers and they were deciding who’s gonna be who

RDJ said “I’ll be Beethoven” and Hugh Jackman said “I’ll be Freddie Mercury” and then everyone turned to Arnold Schwarzenegger said “I’ll be Bach”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The song "Earth" by Lil Dicky features musical cameos from dozens of popular singers.

The song was released around Earth Day and promotes the idea that everyone should work together to be green and eco-friendly and save the planet.

Many famous singers had cameos in the song as different animals or other forms of wildlife. Perhaps the most notable cameo was the singer that sang...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."

The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"

"I don't know"

"Actress?"

"I don't know."

"Singer?"

"I don't know."

"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"

The ...

My friend composes songs about sewing machines.

He’s a Singer songwriter or sew it seams. (Don’t hate me.) Edit: corrected word.

Why is the bass player always the happiest person in the band?

The guitar player needs to know how to score weed

The singer needs to know how to score chicks

The drummer needs to own a van big enough for the gear

And the bass player gets weed, chicks, and a ride home

So this famous singer was doing a giveaway...

The prize was a tablet a brand new phone and 1 minute of singing on stage with this famous singer. So a girl named Jess signed her brother up for the giveaway knowing full well he hates crowds and technology but sure enough he won the contest and he was forced to go on stage with this singer. Boy oh...

What do you call a singer after covid-19?

Post Carone

All these singers dropping their new albums and songs.....

don't you think they oughta be a little careful the next time?

Did you know? If a singer sings on stage their voice will echo but if a pigeon coos it doesn't

Because acoustics

What do you call a well dressed pop singer

Billie Stylish

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

Why are cats such great singers?

They're very mew-sical!

My wife is a horrible singer .

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bono, the lead singer of U2 is known for being self-righteous ...

... He is also an A-list rock and roll celebrity.



At a recent concert in Glasgow Scotland, he asked the audience for complete and utter silence.



Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds. Holding the audience hostage in total silen...

Who's the Death Star's greatest country singer?

Darth Brooks.

A country singers truck

With the evolution of self driving cars it’s not gonna take long before a country singers truck leaves him as well as his wife.

Did you hear about the Dwarf Chernobyl survivor that went on to become a pop singer?

They're currently making microwaves in the industry.

A group of politicians started a band

with Al Gore as the drummer. Old Al could never get the hang of keeping time, though: he would play 3/4 beats on 4/4 songs and 2/4 beats on 3/4 songs. It was always a mess, but the band tried to work through things and kept playing shows in spite of Al's problems. Obviously, they weren't very suc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman asks her husband...

Can you take care of the leaky faucet?

“What do I look like a plumber?” He yells

Well can you fix the leaky roof?

“What do I look like a roofer?” He yells

The leaves in the yard are all over the place...

“Do I look like a gardener to you!?” He slams the door and le...

Did you hear about that Islamic singer?

His songs were Shiite

I like bands that are named for their lead singer.

You know, like Alice Cooper and Tool.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the mods of r/iamatotalpieceofshit cross the road?

To collect money from Joel Michael Singer.

Who is r/jokes' favorite singer?

Repost Malone

What is a classical singer's big break?

An opera-tunity.

Singers needed

in choir within your local church.

What do you call a deep voiced singer who’s always grabbing his crotch?

A bass ball player

Liam Gallagher, lead singer of Oasis, decides to learn the politics of his home country. So he goes up to Noel and asks-

"What's a Tory, (Morning Glory), weeeelllll??"

Whose soul did Ed Sheeran have to sell to become such a famous singer?

Because it certainly wasn't his

I heard the Greta Van Fleet had to cancel the rest of their US tour. The lead singer pulled his hernia.

From lifting too many Led Zeppelin songs.

The singer for the band Steppenwolf has been decapitated in a motorbike accident...

They found his head out on the highway...

Why don’t suspenders make good singers?

Because they don’t know how to belt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A singer is holding a concert indoors.

While doing so, he feels the urge to defecate. As soon as he finishised the piece, he excuses himself upstairs.

He notices the WC has the hole continue indefinitely instead of curving, but doesn't worry too much. He does his buisness and goes downstairs.

There, everybody is running awa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman asks her husband to fix the router

He replies "im no technician"

The next day, the tv broke, and again he tells her "im no electrician"

The third day, the power went out, so her husband tells her to call an electrician. When the husband returns home, the lights are all on, the tv works, the wifi is faster than before....

Do you know that Indonesian Jazz singer?

Frank Sumatra

Four dads are arguing, each dad claims to have the best son in the world.

The first dad says, "My son is the best because he is so rich, I only gave him a small loan of a million dollars and he ended up making four billion dollars from his multi-billion dollar hotel business. He has even appeared on many TV shows. He is so successful that he was elected to lead a country....

My son's music teacher called me "your son is just like Elvis!"

"Is he an equally talented singer?" I asked.

"No", she replied. "We found him dead on a toilet."

Customary tipping rules

For food and beverage service individuals, it’s customary to tip 18% of the bill.

For valet drivers, a fiver.

For singers, a tenor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just don't understand why black people don't like the police

They have tons of great songs and Sting is a great singer

How many Country and Western singers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five.  

One to change the bulb and four to sing about how much they loved the old one.

What did the opera singer say when he was cutting down a tree?

Timbre!

The lead singer of Smash Mouth is up late with a friend.

The lead singer of Smash Mouth is up late with a friend. His wife's not home; the past few nights she's returned past midnight with increasingly elaborate alibis. He's getting frustrated; he loves her, but he's not sure he can keep giving her the benefit of the doubt. His friend asks what he's go...

Why are lumberjacks such great singers?

Their voice has an incredible timber.

I like metal bands with female lead singers...

Something about women screaming makes me rock hard.

How do you know when a singer is at the door?

He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

I had to break up with my opera singer girlfriend...

It was always about MI MI MI MI MI!

There was a Swedish singer who was Catholic

Theres a swedish singer who was catholic, then renounced religion and became atheist in her teens. When she was in her early 20s she decided to follow Catholicism again. She was a Björn again Christian

Soviet Russia used to have a leader who was also a singer in a rock band.

He's none other than John Lenin.

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.



Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I opened the door last night to carol singers & said "Do you know Silent Night?"

"Yes" they replied
"Well piss off then because I want one!"

What's the difference between an unusual undercooked pasta, and the easing of tensions between a famous parody artist and the singers he parodies?

One is a weird al dente, and the other is a "Weird Al" detente.

Sam was a struggling singer

Sam wanted the new iPhone but he had no money for that so samsung

Why are singers so curious?

Because they are in-choir-ing.

Bryan Singer and Kevin Spacey walk up to a bar

The bartender asks for their IDs. They walk away and say" well I guess we're not going to find what we're looking for here."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I would tell you guys a long-winded tale involving the singers of "It Wasn't Me" and "Drop It Like It's Hot"...

...but I don't think you guys would have time to read yet another Shaggy/Dogg story.

The singer Seal walks into a club.

Good thing he wasn't a baby.

Why did the singer of System of a Down open a restaurant?

Because of his self-righteous soup and sides.

Oh you know the singer of “What is Love”?

I guess you could say he Haddaway with the ladies

What do you call a sad singer in a bath tub....

A soap opera...


(My first joke)

Why is it hard to have Opera singers as friends?

...it's aways about "mi mi mi".

What kind of condolence package do you send to the family of a deceased soul singer?

A wreath of franklins

Which sultry-voiced singer will happily spit in your face?

Llama Del Rey.

Which singer has problems casting spells?

Barry Mana Low

I met a British dude who insisted that he was a famous singer.

I said that I didn't believe him, but he was Adam Ant.

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