UPJOKE
priestpopearchbishopdioceseclergycatholic churchlutheranorthodox churchcardinaldeaconprotestantepiscopalmethodistroman catholiccathedral

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One day the bishop is not available, so the priest is in charge of the confessions

First woman comes in and says: ''Father I have insulted my husband.''The priest replies: "that will be 20 hail mary's and all will be forgiven.''

Next a man confesses: ''Father I have hit my wife.''The priest say: "A very serieus affair, 50 hail mary's and an apology to your wife."

Las...

A Priest working in a remote parish in Greenland gets his yearly visit from his Bishop.

The Bishop asks him, "How are you managing with the loneliness?"

The Priest responds, " If it wasn't for my Rosary and my whiskey, I couldn't make it. Would you like a shot of whiskey?"


The Bishop nods his head yes.


The Priest yells out, "Hey Rosary, bring us two shots ...

A Bishop and his plumber played golf

The plumber kept shooting the ball way out of bounds cursing " Goddamn it, I missed again". The bishop, annoyed, asked the plumber not to speak gods name in vain. As they moved to the next hole the plumber misses again, " Goddamn it, I missed again" The Bishop became furious. The third hole came an...

The Poacher and the Bishop of Ely

One day, Sam the poacher is off doing his thing in the fields, when he sees the Bishop of Ely, on his way home from a banquet, urgently looking round for a bush- any bush. Sam, seeing this, only goes and hides behind the same bush as the Bishop. Realising what the Bishop is up to, quick as a flash...

A Rabbi and his friend, a Catholic priest, were having a discussion

when the rabbi asked "Could you ever be promoted withing your church?"

The priest responded, "Well, one day, I hope to become a bishop."

The rabbi asked, "And then?"

The priest though for a second and responded, "Well, then I might become a cardinal."

The rabbi again aske...

A priest was approached one night by Satan himself.

"Do not be frightened," said Satan. "I have an offer to make. I will make you tremendously powerful, famous and rich in return for just one small favour: half of your ability to hear."

The priest was stunned. "Let me think about it for a few days."

The next morning, the priest requeste...

Religion

I went to an Inter-Religion Integration Seminar.

The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty,...

An English bishop was visiting New York and had been warned about quote-hungry American reporters.

As he was walking down the stairs off the plane, a voice amid the camera flashes called out "Hey, Bishop! Will you be visiting any strip clubs while you're in New York?"

The bishop gave a crinkly smile and said innocently: "Dear me, are there such establishments in this city?"

When he ...

A Catholic bishop, a Baptist minister, and a Jewish Rabbi meet in a bar.

The three men sit next to each other and begin talking about life and the aspects of their various faiths. The town they all lived in was in a very heavily forrested area and after a couple of drinks the men have an idea.

Each man puts down a couple hundred bucks and they decide to have a com...

A bishop walks into a bar and walks straight up to the bartender who shouts, “Hey pal! You can’t do that!"

"Bishops can only move diagonally!"

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A priest is on his way to church

Walking along side a lake when he comes upon a fisherman,
He was reeling in a fish,
The priest says “nice fish”,
The fisherman says “thanks this is the biggest somabitch I caught all day”,
The priest says “hey you shouldn’t talk to me like that, I’m a man of the cloth,
The fisherman s...

Why can chess Bishops only more diagonally?

Because north, south, east and west are Cardinal directions.

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

Who was the funniest pope in history?

**Pope Hilarius** (or **Hilary**) was the bishop of Rome from 19 November 461 to his death on 29 February 468.

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A Bishop has been arrested for failing to stop sexual abuse happening directly in front of him. He claimed he was powerless to stop it

because he could only move diagonally.

Why is the white bishop piece in chess the fastest?

Because it's on F1.

A bishop, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a bar

The rabbit says “I think I’m a typo”

4 religious women were chatting

First woman mentions her son:

-My son is a priest, whenever he enters a community, people stand up and call him, "Father, welcome"

The second woman doesn't seem impressed:

-My son is a bishop, people call him "Your excellency" when he is in a community.

The third woman ta...

Son

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father. "The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace. "The third Catholic mot...

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WW2. An Italian bishop is visiting a cloisters shortly after the liberation of the country...

He meets with the mother superior and asks her how she and the nuns did during the nazi occupation.

"Oh it was terrible, father. First came the fascists and violated all, but sister Rosa. Then it was the Germans, and they too violated all, but sister Rosa. Then came the partisans ...

There is a street corner where hookers wait around to be picked up

On a light post nearby a parrot is hanging around. As he watches he says, “Same old hookers, same old clients”

This is bad for business so one of the hookers get mad at the parrot and throws a rock at him. He falls down onto the ground. The next morning a nun is walking and sees the parrot. ...

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What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?

A rook moves in straight lines and a bishop has sex with young boys.

How does a bishop get a six pack?

He exorcises

Today in church they asked what a Bishop does

Apparently “move diagonally” wasn't the answer they were looking for.

A bishop was asked what his hobbies were.

He said he had nun.

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Religion at it's best

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the do...

A rabbi, a bishop and a hot blonde walk into a bar...

The bartender says: "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Wonder bread

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do?"
The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our...

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(Long) Pope's Dinner

(First post here so I hope this one lands!)

A small Catholic church in Kalamazoo is going to be graced with the Pope's presence. To honor his visit, they decide it would be a good idea to cook him a nice fresh fish dinner. The Priest and the Bishop are out fishing for a while until the Bishop...

Mexican word of the day: bishop.

Example: "last night my wife fell down, so I had to pick the bishop. "

Peter and Paul were about to graduate seminary together

Best friends Peter and Paul were about to graduate seminary together. While Peter was very smart, Paul had a difficult time with schoolwork, so Peter would let him copy his homework to make sure he could pass his classes.



As the time approached for their interview with the bishop, Pau...

A bishop advertises a job to ring the bell in his tower.

The only job applicant is a hunchback with no arms. Bishop: "How can you do the job? You can't pull the rope!" Hunchback: "I have a plan - but we have to go to the top of the tower, where the bell is." .. So they climb all those stairs to the top of the tower. Bishop: "Ok, show me your plan."
...

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The pope and his right hand bishop are on a flight with 25 sunny school children

They’re on their way back to the children’s hometown when one of the engine goes. Then another, and then the last two at the same time. The pilot jumps out of the cockpit and runs to the Pope.

“Your excellency, I’m really sorry, but this plane is going down and we only have two parachutes on...

A priest, a bishop, and an altar boy are out fishing...

A priest, a bishop, and an altar boy are out fishing on a lake. While they're relaxing and shooting the breeze, the priest accidentally drops his fishing pole into the water.

"No worries," says the priest. "I've got this."

He climbs out of the boat, steps onto the lake surface, and wal...

A Catholic bishop, a Hebrew rabbi and a Buddhist lama were sitting in a boat and fishing.

The rabbi looked at his watch and said: "Hey, it's lunch time, there's a restaurant on the shore, I'll go and eat there".
He stepped overboard and walked to the shore on the surface of the lake as if it was solid.

The lama watched him and said: "Yeah, I'll also go and have a lunch". ...

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A Bishop had finally had it with a priest in his archdiocese who kept fucking up Sacraments

Right before he was about to excommunicate him, the priest got on his knees and pleaded to give him another chance. The Bishop was a good guy so he allowed the priest one chance.

"If you can preform a matrimony without anything going wrong, I will not fire you"

The wedding starts and e...

A priest is ready to be ordained when the bishop asks if he's into kids.

He replies, "Is that still required?"

A young priest asked his bishop, “May I smoke while praying?”...

The answer was an emphatic “No!”

Later, when he sees an older priest puffing on a cigarette while praying, the younger priest scolded him, “You shouldn’t be smoking while praying! I asked the bishop, and he said I couldn’t do it!”

“That’s odd,” the old priest replied. “I asked the bish...

A sad story of duty, conviction and love

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applican...

Eventually, Quasimodo dies and the Bishop immediately decides to hold auditions for the position of Notre Dame's bellringer.

After all, nobody lives forever. The bishop posted flyers all over Paris and the French countryside in the hopes that somebody, anybody could be half as good as Quasimodo was.

At the end of the day after a long week of holding auditions for disappointment after disappointment, the Bishop i...

A bishop, knight, and queen are leaving a bar

The bartender says, "Can I get you guys anything else?" The queen replies, "Just the check, mate."

What size coffee do Bishops order at Starbucks?

Grande

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A line of nuns are standing in front of the Bishop, and a large fountain of holy water...

One of the nuns approaches him and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have laid eyes upon a man's penis."
The bishop tells her to absolve herself of her sins by washing her eyes in the holy water before resuming her duties.
Another nun then approaches and says "Forgive me father...

Fairy tale involving a Bishop.

A long time ago, in a land far away, there was a Bishop.

He was wandering trough a sunny field, reading his Bible and praising the beauties of Creation, while a croak stopped him.

He looked down and, besides a small bush, he saw a Frog who told him:

"Bishop, Bishop! Please kiss ...

A priest, a bishop, and the Pope are enjoying a leisurely day of fishing...

...when the bishop stands up, rocking their dinghy a little as he stretches. "Well, I'm parched!" he announces. "Back in a verse," he adds before stepping out of the boat, casually walking across the lake to the cooler. *Amazing, he is truly blessed by the Lord to walk across water,* thinks the Pope...

So the Pope is doing a crossword puzzle when a Bishop walks in.

"What is a four letter word for a woman that ends in -unt?" the Pope asks. The Bishop thinks for a minute, afraid to say such a word to the holiest of men. Then a miracle comes to him. "A-unt?" he suggests. "Yes, that fits better, got an eraser?"

I met my town's bishop at Easter mass today but I think he might be an imposter...

... he didn't move diagonally

A bishop is giving a lecture in a church in his diocese

He says, "times sure are changing, and kids growing up today aren't being a part of church as much as I'd like them too. Here's what I propose: Every married couple should have 3 kids- one to walk the path of the dad's will, one to walk the path of the mom's will and one to serve the church. For fam...

The Bishop was late for service

One day, the Bishop was late for church service.
He said it was traffic, but I don't think he went straight there.

He probably went diagonally.

Waiting between Bishop Stortford and Harlow, to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 11 mph.

He thinks to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the
front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously c...

Two bishops get pulled over by a cop...

Two bishops get pulled over by a cop who says: "We're looking for two child molesters". Bishop one asks him to excuse them for a moment and whispers something to bishop two. After a few seconds, he turns back to the policeman and says: "Okay, we'll do it"

Bishop Charles Ellis III has spoken of his embarrassment over groping Ariana Grande..

He says he felt a right tit.

What did the bishop say to the priest?

"It's my turn."

Said the nun as the bishop withdrew (xpost /r/limericks)

Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
"Not bad for a bishop, it's true,
but the prick of the vicar
is slicker and thicker
and two inches longer than you."

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Priest and his Donkey

A young priest wanted to raise money for his church, and seeing that there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However , at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the priest ended up buying a donkey.

The priest fig...

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Bishop and The Steak

A grumpy bishop in a hurry on his way to a ceremony stops by a small Irish town as he's weak with the hunger.

He see's a restaurant, the only place he's seen in miles that serves food. So parks up and rushes in.

A smiling waiter kindly greets him, but the bishop rushes passed to a tabl...

What's a Chess Player's Favorite Fruit?

The bishop pear

A bishop walks into the Pope's chamber...

As the Pope turns to him, the bishop says, "Sir, I have received both good and bad news, if you care to hear."

The Pope says, "Of course. Let's hear the good news first."

"Well, it seems that Jesus has come again."

The Pope's face lit up as he said, "That's wonderful! Simply mag...

What did the bishop say after they redid the vestibule with black and white tiles?

"It looks nice but now I can only enter and exit diagonally "

A report found 9 out of 10 bishops write with a fountain pen.

Only God knows what the other one does with it.

There's a banquet filled with Catholic Bishops

There's a banquet filled with Catholic Bishops. One of the waiters goes up to the Bishop and asks him how to become a Priest.

The Bishop tells him about the vows of poverty.

The waiter says 'if this is your idea of poverty I'd love to see your idea of chastity. :

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

A limerick, There once was a bishop from kings...

There once was a bishop from Kings,

Who talked about god and such things,

But his real desire,

was a boy in the choir,

with a bottom like jello on springs.

Two Chess Grandmasters sit down for a Drink

They get a little tipsy, and their tongues loosen up.

Charles: “My wife has been awfully quiet recently. I think she may be having an affair.”

Digory: “...”

Charles: “Well come on man, don’t be so glum.”

Digory: “Charles, I have a confession about my last mate.”

Ch...

Why did the bishop love Walmart?

'Coz the boys pants are all half off.

Four Catholic women are sitting in a cafe sipping their tea, talking about their great sons. Soon it begins as a contest to see who has the best son.

The first woman proudly declares, "My son is a priest. When he

walks into a room people call him

'Father."

The second woman replies even more proudly, "My son is a bishop, when he walks into a room people call him 'My Grace."

The third woman thinking she wins replies, "My...

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A Bishop wakes up horny in an Italian Cathedral

He finds a nice quiet corner to have a quick wank. Just as he is finishing off the flash of a camera jars him back to reality. He looks up to see an American tourist with fancy camera in his hands. The Bishop zips up and says “I have to have that camera, will you sell it to me?” The tourist isn’t si...

A new bishop was visiting the homes in the ward

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.


Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "revelation 3:20" on the back of the card and stuck it in the door.

The following Sunday he found that his card had been ...

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked...

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Sister Teresa is walking down to breakfast when she meets another nun walking up.

"Good morning, Sister Assumpta!" says Sister Teresa. "Good morning, Sister Teresa!" says the other. "Did you get out of bed the wrong side this morning?"

Puzzled, Sister Teresa continues on her way to the refectory. "Good morning, Sister Pieta!" she says to the nun serving porridge. "Good mor...

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Catholic school is like a game of chess.

You don’t want to end up with the bishop in your ass.

A nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a hole in the roof of your church."

"Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church."

The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman.

The following day the priest is prep...

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Two beggars

It is Easter Sunday in front of Saint Sophia’s Cathedral in Constantinople sometime during the Crusades.

Two beggars are sitting in front of the cathedral.

One is wearing a tattered suit of armor and is covered in bandages. In front of him is a sign: “Give Alms to a poor Crusader who ...

Two Mormon bishops are going for a walk...

They have been friends for years. One turns and says, "We've been so close for so long. Tell me, hypothetically, if you had two yachts, would you give me one?"

The other bishop says, "Why, you baptised my son! Of course I would give you one!"

"Then tell me, hypothetically, if you had t...

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A priest is playing darts...

A priest is playing darts. Every time he misses he yells out: "Jesus Fucking Christ I'm pissed, my shot just missed!". A bishop sees him and warns him about using the lords name in vain. "If you use that language again, I shall ask the lord to punish you" he says. But the priest doesn't mind him and...

It was time for the Sunday morning service to begin but there was no trace of the main preacher.

A young priest was asked to take his place. Worried out of his mind, he went to the bishop's room. "What shall I do, bishop? They're asking me to give a sermon and I don't have anything prepared!"

"Trust the Lord, good man, trust the Lord." said the Bishop. Having found no solution, the pries...

Nun gets up and starts walking down the cloisters. Another nun walks up to her and says "who got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning?"

Nun carries on walking and again another nun says the same thing. This happens 15 times as she is walking down the cloisters and she is becoming very angry. She gets to Mother superiors office and just before Mother Superior could say anything the nun shouts, "don't tell me I got out of the wrong si...

An Irish priest has a rat problem...

He tries everything to get rid of them. Traps, poison, setting cats loose in his church. Nothing works, and they are starting to deter some of his regular attendees because they see the rats during communion.


One day a Bishop is visiting and the priest tells him his woes.


"Hav...

New Pope

There were two Roman Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in High School.
...

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A monk is sent up to the bishops office...

he asks the monk to take a seat.
-Now, i´ve heard you participated in a competition.
-Yes father, that is true.
-And i heard, this was a competition in the art of writing limericks.
-Yes father, that is true.
-And i heard, that the one that would write the dirtiest, filthie...

Bishop gets in trouble for saying fruits should get married in churches

"It's only reasonable, they cantaloupe"

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The Home Minister, the Minister of Defence and the Minister of Fisheries are on a state visit to the Vatican.

As a courtesy, the Pope dines with them that night. The food is good, and the conversation still better. As the evening wears on, the Home Minister notices that her cup has run dry, and uses the opportunity to show off her inexhaustible wit. "Pope the divine," she says, turning to the solemn head of...

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I wanted to get to know the new priest at my church.

My priest and I agreed to go fishing. We sat there talking and waiting for a bite until, finally, the priest snagged a large fish. As I helped him pull it out of the water I said,"This is a big son of a bitch."

The priest stopped, "Son, why such salty language?"

Wanting to save face I ...

Mother of God

There were four women bragging on their sons. The first woman says, “Have you heard? My son is a priest. He’s very well respected that when he enters a room or a building, everyone greets him, ‘Hello, Father.’”
“Psh! That’s nothing,” the second woman answers. “My son is a bishop so when he enters...

The Dean of the College of the Cardinals was at his wits end

The conclave had been contentious, and no clear leader emerged after many days of bickering. He needed a break, and was resting in his private office when there was a gentle rap at the door.

"What is it? Is there word of a new Pope?"

"Not exactly, sir."

"Who is it that disturbs...

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A priest enters a fish market.

When he asks what the man behind the counter recommends, the man brings out a large fish. "My goodness!" The priest exclaims. "That fish is huge!" "Yeah." The man replies. "It's a big son of a bitch." The priest says "Sir. Please mind your language." Thinking quickly, the man says "Oh. No. The name ...

A boy has a question about God

Sorry if this has been posted before. I just heard it and I’ve never seen it on here before.

There was a boy that had a question about God. He goes to his local priest to see if he has an answer. The boy presents the question and the priest is completely at a loss of words. The question is s...

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A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race

Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads *Local nun has winning ass*.

She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads *Nun has best ass in town*.

The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seri...

I got into trouble at church the other day

During his sermon, the priest asked, "What does a Bishop do?"

"Moves diagonally" was not the answer he wanted.

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There is a parrot at the Vatican who speaks dozens of languages.

This brilliant parrot had been with the Vatican for years. One day, he discovered an old rotary telephone that was still functioning tucked away in a forgotten room within the facility. Lonely as the parrot was, and able to speak so many languages, he began to place call after call to every corner o...

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Before graduating to full priests, the candidates had to undergo

The cardinal test.

To make sure that they would stick to the oath of celibacy, the graduating would be priests were all taken to a room and made to stand in a straight line and covered their eyes.

The bishop tied a little Bell on their penises and then brought in a naked beautiful woma...

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A Priest takes a walk down to the docks one day

and runs into a fisherman that attends his church. Upon hearing that the priest has a few hours off the fisherman invites him out to sea to fish with him.

Out at sea it doesn't take long for the fisherman to realize that the priest has no idea how to fish, so he gives him some quick instructi...

A rabbi and a Catholic priest seat together in a bus and start talking about ranks in the Catholic church...

- "So after becoming bishop and maybe archbishop, they can be appointed as cardinals?", asked the Rabbi.
- "That's right.", replied the priest.
- "And only cardinals can become pope?", continued the Rabbi.
- "Not necessarily, but usually yes.", said the priest.
- "And what's next? Can s...

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Father Conor is walking by the Shannon when he sees one of his congregation fishing...

He stops for a chat, and mentions that he's never fished before. 'It's a doddle,' says the angler. 'Take a rod and give it a go.'

'Well, I suppose the blessed Saint Peter himself was a fisherman. Perhaps I'll try my hand,' says the priest.

Father Conor sits down and casts his line. Aft...

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar

They all begin discussing their own churches and synagogue. As the night goes on, they drink more and more, and the discussion starts to turn competitive. Each starts to boast about how eloquent they are, and how great they are at converting non believers. Eventually, the bartender gets sick of it. ...

Sermon

There was a young priest who was having trouble both writing and delivering his sermons. So he asked his Bishop for help.

The wise old Bishop said, "Well you might start with something to attract and hold their attention, such as, 'Last night I was in the warm embrace of a good woman,' that w...

Fishing

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a B#tch!'

'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'

'No, Father, that's...

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The bish and the donkey.

A rural pastor had trouble getting hold of enough money for church roof repairs. So the parish comes up with the idea to pool their money and buy a race horse. The collection is done, and when the pastor goes shopping, he only has enough for a donkey. Nonetheless he buys the donkey and enters it int...

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The pastor's first mass

The young pastor was so nervous before his first mass that he could not speak a word. He asks the bishop for advice, and he tells him to pour two drops of vodka in a glass of water and drink it.

The young pastor does as advised and immediately felt so good that nothing could stop him.
<...

give me an example of a tragedy?

Tony Abbott was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in
the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Abbott if he would like to lead the discussion on
the word 'Tragedy'.
So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a '...

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A priest goes fishing

A priest goes fishing with one of his parishioners and catches a large fish. The parishioner, still excited at the catch, exclaims "That's a big fucker!"

The priest immediately chastises the parishioner for his language. Thinking quickly, the parishioner replies: "But Father, that's the n...

Four women were talking to one another about their sons, whom all were men of the cloth

The first woman said, "I'm so proud of my son. He's a monsignor, and when he enters the room, everyone calls him 'His Holiness.'" The second woman said, "My son is a Cardinal, and everyone calls him 'His Excellence' when he enters a room." The third woman said, "My son is a bishop, and when he enter...

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