My wife decided to trim our household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand...

Proud of her savings, she boasted “We’re are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand.”

I replied, “Good, wash it again!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what sucks the most about being a democrat in a republican household?

If you try to address the Elephants in the room, you end up making an ass of yourself

In the 1930s, the Italians developed an engine fuel technology that used household spices.

It’s true. Mussolini made the trains run on thyme

Get a job

A young man in a small town graduates from high school. His father comes to him that evening and tells him “Son, you’re a man now. You need to start contributing to this household. Go get a job.”

The young man is rightfully concerned. Work prospects in his town are slim. The only jobs availab...

Top 10 household items you can use to get high!

1. Ladder

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Always introduce the baby to your household pets

"Always introduce the baby to your household pets because they tend to feel jealous and will behave in an unpredictable manner." was a tip I'd read in a parenting book.

"Now that's some pretty shit advice......" I thought as my 3 day old daughter fell straight to the bottom of the fish ta...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Late one night in the Adams family household Cousin Itt was feeling horny.

His mind could not stop thinking about how earlier that day he'd seen Morticia lounging by the pool. Her pale goth flesh, pert breasts and slender hips were too much for him to take so with a flourish he did the deed and in doing so shotgunned his seed all over his fur. I will clean it in the morn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wealthy man suspects his wife is cheating on him..

A wealthy man suspects his wife is cheating on him. He decides he'd call in during his work day and try to catch his wife in the act. A woman's voice answers the phone, "Hello?"

"Hello? Who is this?" the man replies. The voice responds, "I'm the housekeeper. I was hired this morning. Sh...

An upper-class Englishman is going through his household accounts.

After a moment he looks up and says to his wife, "you know, darling, if you learnt how to prepare meals properly, we could spend less on the chef."

His wife replied, " And if you knew how to screw properly, we could get rid of the chauffeur."

I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card.It sends the message that education is a priority in our household.

And it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren't that bright.

If there's one thing the moon landing did it made household names out of 3 incredible, brave men

Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and...the other guy.

A salesman telephoned a household

and a four-year-old answered.


Salesman: May I speak to your mother?


Child: She's not here.


Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?


Child: My sister


Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her?


Child: I guess so.


Th...

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida. They settle in a small little house. The neighbors are a little skeptical, being their race and all, so they keep an eye out on their plot for a few days. To his suprise, he sees that the family is one of th...

After living in my household for 17 years...

...I realized orphans would be better off without a home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Frenchman wished to assess the buoyancy of the common household cat.

So he took three cats down to the canal and threw them in, and *un, deux, trois* cats sank.

Fortunately a kindly German saw this and jumped in (after punching the Frenchman on the nose) and rescued the cats. He looked them over and said "Huh. Bit ze vorse for vair, but I zink I can save zem"....

After Arnold Schwarzeneggar got old, he made a hobby of getting rid of household pets.

He's the ex terminator.

My son might have a drinking problem

He is up all hours of the night harassing everybody in the household until he gets his fix.
He doesn't stop until he's completely passed out. There's no talking to him,
he either completely ignores you or just mumbles on incoherently.
And this has been going on three months now; si...

In germany after the succes of Uber and Ubereats a new app is rising under elderly folk for finding people to help in your household

They're calling it Ubermensch

A son asked his mother, "Why are wedding dresses white?"

She replied, "It shows your friends and relatives that the bride is pure."

Then the son went and asked the same question to his father.

"All household appliances come in white," said his father.

What is de most enjoyable household appliance?

De light.

Heroin really messed up my household...

All the spoons are missing.

A family gets a robot for the household.

A family gets a robot. It does many things. It cooks, cleans, and even slaps someone whenever they lie.

One morning, mom, dad and son are sitting at the breakfast table. The boy says to his father, "Dad I don't feel well. I need to stay home from school." Within a second, SMACK! The robo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate my dodgy household appliances...

My hairdryer sucks and my vaccum blows.

What do you get when you cross an automobile with a household animal?

A very upset child.

In a progressively incestuous household...

...it's about upping the auntie

Did you hear about the parrot who lives in a bilingual household?

It speaks a pidgin language.

A tribal chief down on his luck decided to marry off his three daughters

For in those days suitors paid a bridal price, and the chief thought he could live off what his daughters would fetch him, and at the same time ensure that his children would be secure and provided for.

Now, it was a point of rivalry between the girls to see who would fetch the best price amo...

A religious joke told by my pastor years ago

God, one day in heaven, lined up all of the married couples in the world and heaven he could find. He said to the men, “My children, I have a task for you all. Those of you who feel that you are the head of the household, step to the left. Those of you who think your wife is the head of the househol...

(Long) Did you hit your wife?

So I have heard you hit your wife, is that true?

**Before I marry her she was hungery and poor all the time. She now livea a much better life**

I was asking if you hit her.

**The whole community acknowdges the improvement of our household**

I didn’t ask that, I was asking...

I have Apple appliances in every room of my home.

In addition everyone in my household owns an iPhone, iPad or both. We are pretty diligent about keeping all of the devices synchronized with each other. All, except for some reason, the kitchen.

I guess you could say, everything but the kitchen’s synch’d.

If you keep a rocket in your home

the chances of having a household incident go through the roof

Let me introduce the little known tale of Curtis Remond.

Curtis was born in the small town of New York, the only child of a rich and famous banking family. Curtis’ father was a banker. Curtis’ grandfather was a banker. The banking linage runs as far back in the family as time can remember, ever since Gerald Redmond had emigrated from Killarney back in the...

An announcement was made by the government in the USSR

Since only one in seven households had a vehicle, drivers were speeding incessantly and the government announced that anyone speeding would be fined regardless of who it was.

One day Gorbachev gets out of his hotel and is late to the Kremlin, so he tells his driver to get in the back seat and...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman walk into a bar

“Are you all from the same household lads?”

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other

"You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy.  "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."  Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child,...

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite...

What do you call a married couple who both work in a dispensary?

A joint-income household

The Coronavirus has shut down theater

Due to social distancing, the Shakespearean Theater Company had to cancel all of their live shows. Before self-quarantining, they decided to do one last performance of Romeo and Juliet and livestream their production over the internet. In order to reach a wide audience, they advertised there show o...

A department store opened in downtown area that sold men and a woman decides to visit it in search of a husband.

At the store’s entrance, there’s a sign outlining the department store policy.

* The first rule states that you can only enter the store once.
* There are six floors and on each floor you can choose a husband or elect to move on to the next floor.
* You cannot visit a floor more than on...

A Man swapped places with his wife to see what she did all day

A Man was constantly grumbling about how he had to work all day to provide for his family while his wife stayed home and did nothing.

God offered him a chance to swap places with his wife for a couple of days to see what it's like to be a woman, and he happily agreed.

First day of the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are taking their wives to play golf.

The Englishman's wife walks up to the tee, bends over to put her ball on the tee, the wind blows her skirt up and she isn't wearing underwear. The Englishman says, "My heavens Elizabeth where are your underthings? She replies "Reginald, on the money you give me for the household, I can't afford un...

St. Peter decides he wants a day off from the Pearly Gates, so he asks Jesus to fill in for him.

“Your job is simple,” says St. Peter. “Whenever someone approaches the gates, you ask them about their accomplishments in life. If their answer satisfies you, you let them in to Heaven. If not, they get sent to Hell.” Jesus thinks this sounds simple enough, and he agrees.

Before too long, a m...

Knock knock

The Potter Household.
Who is there?
You know!
You know who?
Thats right.
*avada kedavra*

My wife has an iron deficiency.

In fact, she’s deficient with most household appliances.

A British Gentleman visits India..

He landed in the state of West Bengal, the former seat of the East Indian Company.

Dressed in classic gentlemanly fashion he decided to start the tour by visiting the famed Victoria Memorium Hall. Taken aback by the marvellous architecture, he stopped the nearest passerby and asked, "Who mad...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate guys who don't respect women

They're more than just a vagina, they're all of your household appliances in one handy package as well

A Bunch Of Men Died In An Accident And Went To Heaven...

when they got there, God told them to line up at His right if in their lifetime, they had been head of their household, and at His left if they weren’t.

God was surprised to see that only one man was standing at His right, so He said, “All of you at My left, shamed you should be! A man shoul...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad, is Santa real?

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the popul...

White wedding dresses

Two old men were sitting in a restaurant having a cup of coffee when one of them looks at the other and asks, “Why are wedding dresses always white?” The other man thinks for a moment and says, “Well, you know, I think it means the bride’s love is pure.”

The first old man does not seem convi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The White Knight and the Black Knight.

Note, this story was from Gigi Proietti, an Italian comedian who's from Rome, and I must say it loses a lot without the Roman accent and slang, but I'll try my best :D

The White Knight and the Black Knight.

So once there was this teacher, really passionate about his job, who always wan...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A middle aged man is turning 40 and he's feeling severely depressed,

so he decides he'll treat himself to a prostitute. He and his companion for the evening retire to a motel room and he sits down on the side of the bed. The john starts untying his shoes and eventually slips off his socks.

In utter shock, the lady of the night gasps and says "What the fuck is ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an elderly nurse working overnight in an emergency room.

There was an elderly nurse working overnight in an emergency room. She had been doing this, and doing it well, for 45 years. She was a good nurse, always sharp as a tack, but she was getting to the point in life where she was just starting to get endearingly scatter brained. She would frequently get...

Men In Heaven

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter the Pearly Gates, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.

I want all the women to report to St...

Studies show that more Americans watch television...

than any other household appliance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Proof that Santa doesn’t exists

There are about 2 billion children on earth. But Santa does not have to visit Muslims, Hindus, Jews or Buddhists, which reduces the number to 15% or 378 million. Thus, with a world average of 3.5 children per household, there are 108 million households to visit if we can assume that there are at le...

There is a story passed down in China about an emperor from the Ming Dynasty.

It is said that he favored deer above all else. Throughout the region, everyone knew that to kill a deer was the highest offense.

One day, a village awoke to find a dead buck in the yard of one of the villagers. Despite his pleading, the eldest man of the household was publicly killed. A remi...

[OC] A Man's House is on Fire

A Man's house is on fire. He is standing on the front lawn when a firefighter arrives. The man tells the firefighter "My wife and baby are in there!"

The firefighter asks: "If I can't save both, which should I bring back?!"

Man quickly responds "My wife. We can always have more babies"...

Cutting down personal expenses

The business man was worried about his personal finances after a few sloppy years and thought to himself that he'd better start cutting down on private expenses.
Therefore he turned to his wife and said:

"Honey, if you could learn to cook and clean, we wouldn't need our household service...

Did you hear about the mathmatician's wife?

It all started when they got married. She sat down on the couch every single day, and screamed at him for not cleaning the house, doing the laundry, or washing the dishes while she was watching TV.

Of course, such a static lifestyle only makes you less healthy. So after a while, she grew fatt...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to buy a motorbike...

A man goes to buy a motorbike before meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. He finds an amazing looking model and asks the dealer what the price is. The dealer replies 'It's only $1000, but there's a catch. It's not waterproof. When it rains, you have to rub vaseline over it or it will...

A tourist bus crashes and all the passengers die.

The crowd of recently deceased is gathered at the pearly gates. St. Peter comes out and says: "OK. I want you to form three lines. One for the women, one for the men who were always bossed around by their wives, and the last for men who were the boss of their household."

People shuffle around...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Explaining economics to children...

A young boy asks his father to explain the economy to him. The father thinks for a while before responding, "Son, think of our household as the economy. I earn the money, so I'm capitalism.

"Your mother deals with the day-to-day running of the house, so we'll call her the government.

"...

Why do Brides wear white?

To match the rest of the household appliances.

Who am I?

Who am I?

* My father's name is Joseph.
* I have done many things to make my father happy.
* I am well known throughout the entire world and I am a common household name.
* There is a walk I am very famous for.
* Although I have siblings, many people are not familiar with them....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wrote this one myself. (It's better then that redtile disfunction joke)

There was a guy named Shawn and he lived near a really little town in the western plains of Texas. This town was really just a dot along a highway and didn't get much traffic at all. There was one gas station, a diner, and a little dollar store with necessities and household items.

Shawn wor...

Two blondes are at an CD store. One is buying a DVD.

Blonde 1: Oh, what's that DVD about?
Blonde 2: It's how to repair household items!
Blonde 1: What do you need to repair?
Blonde 2: My DVD player

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's best friend

A man decides to get a mascot and heads to the pet store. He began to walk up and down the aisles looking at the different animals available but found fault with each. Dogs needed to be walked constantly. Cats are loners. Ferrets smell. Fish are boring. Snakes are, well, snakes. After roaming around...

The World Tour

A wealthy man and his wife had been wanting to go on a world tour for a long time, with the only thing preventing them from doing so being the wife's devotion to their cat, Mittens. She simply could not bear the thought of being away from Mittens for a couple of months while they go and visit all th...

About wearing the hijab...(x-post from /r/Islam)

I grew up in a fairly religious household and my parents are both practicing, despite that the hijab was never really something we talked about. My mom keeps a dupatta and wears hijab and burqa when she goes outside but she never taught me to wear it or ever enforced it on me. Recently, I started we...

One evening...

...a father passed his daughter’s bedroom and heard her saying her prayers. Smiling to himself, he stopped to listen and heard her say, “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandpa, bye bye Grandma.” How odd, thought father, but he didn’t want his daughter to know he’d been listening so he d...

A family of hunter-gatherers sits down to dinner

The daughter, the youngest member of the family, complains, "There's a hair in my soup!"

"Well," replies her father, the hunter of the household, "technically, it's a rabbit."

After the checkup

A recent bride accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After the checkup, the doctor took the bride aside and said, “If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast, including hot chocolate and Belgium waffles, and send him o...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.