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Misplace Jokes

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop...

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

A priest visits his cousin, who is also a priest.

The two priests, both in their forties, sit down to dinner.

The visiting priest says, "Cousin, I couldn't help noticing that your housekeeper is quite a young and attractive woman. I take it relations between the two of you are not always completely platonic?"

"How dare you! I am a man...

God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Y...

Misplaced stuff

After nearly breaking my neck on a pair of bright pink roller skates on the stairs, I shouted at my son, "Are these yours?!"

He said, "Well, obviously they're not mine."

"Oh yeah, of course they aren't," I replied. Then laughed at him in his little wheelchair.

What do you call it when you misplace your Lego Lord of the Rings mini figures?

A Lego Legolas Loss.

You ever misplace your belt when you're in a hurry?

I was rushing to work this morning and I couldn't find my belt for the life of me. I really couldn't leave without one so I thought "Hey, I have a lot of watches so maybe I could MacGyver a belt from these!" Well let me tell you... when I got to work I was fired for one, being late, and two, looking...

I misplaced my thesaurus this morning.

I have no words to describe how I feel.

A man took an airline company to court after they misplaced his luggage...

He lost his case.

I misplaced my pizza cutter, so I used my Bryan Adams CD

It cuts like a knife

I misplaced something at the office. A nice man in a turban helped me locate it. I guess it's true what they say.

Sikh and you shall find.

(edit: same man teased me about the pronunciation. It was good natured, but it was still a Sikh burn)

(also a comma)

I misplaced my watch at a disco

So I tried to find it.

I saw it on the dancefloor, being stood on by a guy. That's when I noticed that he was trying to grope her and she obviously wasn't enjoying it.

I walked up to him, tapped him on the back and delivered a swift kick to his balls. He fell over, moaning in pain.
...

Whenever I find something I misplaced, I always check one more place.

That way, things are never in the last place I look.

What do you call a group of British gentlemen who have misplaced their donkey?

Assless Chaps



My coworker used to tell me this one.

What did the Scottish man say when he misplaced his drink at a party ?

“Where did my Glasgow? “

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
...

I tried to order a table from IKEA, but I misplaced an umlaut in my search text. I got a couch instead.

So close, yet sofa.

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Me and another coworker were competing to see who was the best at our drug testing job. I was winning until i misplaced a felon's probation samples.

So I guess I lost that pissing contest

(True story) So my mother misplaced her prized red mixing bowl for cooking Christmas dinner with (despite having several other mixing bowls to utilize instead). She became increasingly panicked when she couldn't locate it, asking out loud repeatedly: "Where's my red bowl??"

So I responded: "Why do you need that particular one? Does it give you wings??"

I lost 15 pounds

But in my defense, babies are easy to misplace.

My New Year's resolution is going great!

I went to the gym this morning and I've already lost 10 pounds. Seriously I have no idea where I misplaced those dumbbells.

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The Irish Sinner

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with yo...

Thomas Aquinas Walks into a bar... (from the TV show Madam Secretary)

Thomas Aquinas walks into a bar, and the bartender pours him a big goblet of mead.

Bartender says, "How ya doin?"

Aquinas says, "Oh, not so great. I've been working on this treatise for seminarians. Uh, basically explains all the major points of Catholicism. It could be the most impo...

A skeleton is waiting to see a doctor.

The doctor walks in, spots the skeleton, and says “Ah, Mister Johnson! I haven’t seen you since we misplaced your femur! How are you doing?”

The skeleton sighs and replies “Honestly doctor, I’ve got a bone to pick with you.”

Dad joke I came up with at work.

I work at a grocery store produce department. Today there was some misplaced cheese in a cooler. I saw it was sharp provolone. I took it to the deli lady and once she read it I said "be careful, it's sharp."

An oligarch, a theocrat, and two architects of the prison industrial complex walk into a bar...

Sorry, I misplaced my notes. Those are just the choices for the US Presidential election.

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My favourite nun joke

The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed.

It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned...

A psychiatrist once asked...

A psychiatrist once asked one of his patients if he felt he had lost his mind, where the patient replied, "I haven't lost my mind, I have simply misplaced it."

To all those people who said I would be an unfit parent, have you seen the little guy lately?

Cause that would be a big help, I seem to have misplaced him.

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The Russian conscript

Ivan had just been conscripted to fight in Ukraine. As part of his basic training he had to participate in a war game. The day of the war game, Ivan realised he had misplaced his rifle, so he went to his Lieutenant: “ Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?”
“I don’...

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What's in a name?

An American college student visits Ireland while traveling throughout Europe. He finds a quiet town and enters a pub. It's empty save for the bartender and an old man at the far end of the bar. The American student sits down and politely orders a Guinness.

The old man speaks loudly and unprom...

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A very drunk man walks in to a pub

He tells the bartender "bartender, I want a drink. In fact, give everyone in here a drink on me. You have a drink with us, too." The bartender serves everyone a drink of their choosing and himself then hands the drunk man the bill. The drunk man pats himself down looking for his wallet and says "...

Pope John Paul II...

...was on a tour of the United States some years ago. During a stop in Atlanta, an admirer presented him with a beautiful handmade ring. But somehow, in the hectic confusion of the tour, the ring was misplaced.

"Don't worry, Your Holiness," said the pope's aide. "I'm sure it will turn up b...

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Little Billy came home early from school to find his mom naked, just getting out of the shower...

"Hey mom, what's that bushy thing between your legs?" he asked. "Oh that's just my sponge," his mom replied. A few days later Billy had a friend over, "mom, show Tommy your sponge." Billy's mom replies, "oh, I can't, I seem to have misplaced it." Billy says "oh I'll go ask the babysitter where she p...

Cynthia Wong is giving birth at her local hospital...

...that her and her husband Vincent helped to build with their generous donations over the past few years. After a brief hello with his new mom, the newborn boy is taken off to the maternity ward.

After a while, the dad takes a stroll over to the ward to see his new son through the glass, but...

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A grammar book walks into a bar

* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the pass...

Man walks into a McDonalds.

Cashier: "Hello welcome to McDonalds, can I take your order?"

Man: "Hi, let me get a Bigmac value meal. Burn the lettuce, burn the onions, burn the ketchup, burn the fries... hell, burn the soda- but remember to fill up the cup to the brim with ice so that it takes up half the volume. Burn ev...

God will save me!

A priest was on a cruise ship when the ship began to sink quite suddenly. Being a man who puts others before himself, he finds the smallest piece of driftwood that would support his weight, grabs hold of it and floats in the middle of the ocean. 15 minutes go by and along comes a rubber dinghy, almo...

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Captain Loony Doubloon

At the last port-of-call before a long voyage, lonely Captain Loony Doubloon decides it's time he needs another parrot. He heads to the port's birdkeep, and finds the perfect talkative parrot perched on its swing within. The keeper discloses, however, that the bird was born with no legs, among anoth...

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