UPJOKE
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When your a spoiled brat and your dad is a trusts lawyer

Kid starts throwing a tantrum in a department store:

Kid: If you don’t buy this for me for Christmas I’ll kill myself!”

Dad: “Well then it’s a good thing I took out that life insurance policy on you”

Kid: “Ughhh! I hate you!”

Dad: “I love you too”

Kid: “Didn’t you ...

I think my dessert was starting to spoil

The flavor was really off pudding.

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A Canadian, an American and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

They were given everything they needed to succeed and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration, he spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

T...

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A 6 year old boy visits the zoo with his parents…

…where they stop to see the elephant. While the father’s in the restroom, the son notices one elephant has a rather large erection. Curious, he gets his mom’s attention.

“Mommy, what’s that hanging from the elephant?” “Oh, that’s its trunk honey.” “No, further back!” “Ah, you mean its tail!” ...

What do Germans call spoiled children?

Bratwurst.

I don't understand why people spoil movies...

What's their endgame?

I was sat at the end of the bed last night, Pulling off my boxers, when the wife said to me....

"You spoil those dogs"

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The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

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There is a new teacher in a school, and she is sent to the worst class with the laziest and the most spoiled kids.

The new teacher starts introducing herself to the first-graders, asking some questions to them, hoping to get them to like her.

She decided to start the lesson in a fun way to get the children's attention. So she starts drawing some pictures on the whiteboard and asks the children what has s...

A dwarf with a lisp goes to visit a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth"

He says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?"

Said the owner.

"A female horth"

The dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a lovely mare.

"Nithe horth."

Says the dwarf,

"Can I thee her eyeth?"

So ...

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A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, a...

Don't Spoil Endgame

Friend: Now I know how Endgame goes down... some idiot kid loudly spoiled it to everyone today.

Me: So... who died?

Friend: For starters, the kid.

What do you call someone who spoils tv shows?

A serial killer

My wife asked me, “Do you think our kids are spoiled?”

I said, “No, I think they usually smell that way.”

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A Circus Visit

Little Timmy and his parents went to the circus. When the elephants came out into the ring, Timmy turned to his mom and asked, "What's that hanging down from that elephant?

"His mom said, "That's the elephant's trunk." Timmy said, "No, not that. Back underneath the elephant." His mom, embarr...

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Every time my girlfriend climaxes during sex she blurts out the ending of a movie or a show and ends up spoiling it for me.

I really wish I could get her to stop cumming to conclusions.

I let my goats get whatever they want, they are spoiled rotten

I guess you could say I have a bleeting heart

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No one needs to spoil DC movies

Them bitches come out spoiled.

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Ageism joke

A son asks his father: How do women age?
The father answers:" Women age just like onions, son. They bloat with each year, until they start to stink like a spoiled, rotten, onion."
The wife hears and tells the son:" That's nothing! Men age like Christmas trees. First they loose the leafs, then ...

As a cat, I'm overfed, over pampered, and spoiled rotten...

And I deserve much better than this!

Because I always spoil the punchline.

Someone asked me the other day why I don't tell many jokes

I love spoiling the plot of The Picture of Dorian Gray

Never gets old

What does a spoiled brat need to break a laptop in 1 minute?

1. Laptop
2. One minute


Real life story.

I saw the new Madeline McCann documentary last night, don’t want to spoil the ending but...

They got away with it.

Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?

Because the sauce ages

Last night I watched a movie called "Fresh Meat".

I don't want to spoil it for you.

Not to spoil the Eclipse for anyone tomorrow but...

Bella chooses Edward.

What do you get when you eat spoiled Italian food?

Pizzeria!

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My uncle always used to say, “Spare the rod, spoil the child!”

And then he’d fuck me in the ass.

My vet told me I'm spoiling my dog.

Not only am I over-feeding him, but apparently he can lick his own balls

My child is so spoiled, I got him a trampoline for Christmas.

Instead of using it he just cried in his wheelchair.

Why did Johnny Cash write Ring of Fire after eating spoiled curry?

Because it got his creative juices flowing

Saw Solo told my younger brother, that I was going spoil the ending of Solo in only two words. I told him.....

Kylo Ren

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A Wife took a DNA test for her kid

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA t...

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What else could he say??

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.

"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.

"That...

I like to spoil the plot of Peter Pan for people.

Never gets old.

My sister and her kids live with me, and I'm always waking up to a spoiled brat screaming her lungs out.

Her kids don't help either.

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A joke in Arabic

Let's hope this translation works.
A guy who was wasted went to take a piss in an ally next to a barrel, passed out fell in the barrel pants down, ass in the air.
A guy who was super high passed by and saw the ass .. picked a stick and shoved it up the drunk's asshole, the drunk screams.
...

Why was Kanye's Christmas gift to Kim spoiled?

Because he's a bad wrapper

How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?

She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

I heard about this spoiled girl who freaked out...

Because her parents bought her a black Ferrari instead of a blue one.

Really makes me appreciate my parents

Because they bought me a blue one

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A boy sees an elephants penis at the zoo

He asks “mommy! whats that?"

Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.

Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"

Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"

kid says "oh, mommy says that's n...

A policeman pulls over a speeding Ferrari.

He looks through the window and to his annoyance sees a rebellious looking teenager.
The policeman decides he's going to teach this spoiled kid a lesson.
He takes a piece of chalk and draws a circle on the floor.

"Get out of the car and stand in the circle. If I see you step out, I'll...

What spoils quicker than unrefridgerated meat?

The Walking Dead's facebook page.

what's the most hilarious thing a spoiled brat might say?

No I'm not

I think my children are spoiled

I must have left them unrefrigerated for too long before eating them.

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

Every time someone called me spoiled I felt bad..

that their parents didn't love them.

I don't want to spoil my autobiography for you.

But at the end, you find out that you've just wasted £4.99.

Did you hear about the guy who made pudding with spoiled milk?

It was quite off-pudding.

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A family goes to visit the zoo...

Among the exhibits, they come upon the elephant enclosure where a giant bull elephant stands before them. The young son, seeing the bull’s massive penis points directly at it and exclaims- “Holy cow! What’s that, Mom?”
The mother, embarrassed, seeks to draw his attention away from the spectacle:...

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Warning: Game of Thrones Spoilers

Will make your car look fucking stupid

I thought burying my wurst for a few days would improve its attitude, but it just became a spoiled brat.

I'm sorry. That was completely terrible. I shouldn't have wasted your time.

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Little Johnny went to his first rodeo with his mom and dad...

Dad went off to buy a beer, and little Johnny happened to spy the bull's cock flopping around beneath his belly.

"Mommy, mommy! What's that long thing beneath the bull's belly!?" Johnny asks, pointing.

Embarrassed, his mom looks away and mutters, "Oh, don't worry about that, Johnny. T...

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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner...

She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I *earn* that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs. "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"...

[NSFW] My wife is like a bottle of wine

I have to keep the cork wet or else she’ll spoil.

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk

Here I made some bubble wrap

>!Iron!< >!Man !< >!dies!< >!in!< >!Infinity!< >!War!<

>!Jesus!< >!dies!< >!in!< >!the!< >!Bible!<

>!2021!< >!will!< >!be!< >!even!< >!worse!<

>!What did you expect they were marke...

Lin-Manuel Miranda has contracted Covid-19

Award-winning composer, lyricist, actor, rapper, and playwright Lin-Manuel Miranda has contracted Covid-19 after receiving a spoiled dose of the vaccine. The nurse initially refused to administer the vaccine, when she discovered that it had accidentally been left out of the refrigeration unit too lo...

Genghis Khan stumbles across a great palace in Northern China

It was a magnificent golden palace, with beautiful ornaments covering every surface as it towered over the surrounding landscape with its size. The steps leading up to the front entrance were crafted from the finest marble, the pillars holding up the ceiling sculpted with the rarest jade. It was tru...

Click here for spoilers

Microorganisms
Humidity
Light
Heat

what do you call an 8 year old cheese that gets whatever it wants?

Spoiled cheese

Romie couldn’t take his eyes off of Julie

and so one day he plucked up the courage to ask her out on a date. He told her to meet him at the new fancy Italian restaurant at 7pm.

Romie got their early and Julie arrived at bang on 7pm as agreed. They both walk in to the restaurant and the waiter takes them to a romantic table alone in ...

I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.

Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.

My Kid left some uncooked sausage out of the freezer overnight...

When I discovered it, I realized I was dealing with a spoiled brat.

Dude is getting ready for prom night

He thinks to himself; "I'm gonna need to make this night perfect so I can get laid!".

He thinks about what he'll need. "I'll need a perfectly fitted tuxedo so I look good so I can get laid!" So he goes to the tailor and sees an incredibly long line. It's prom day so he's not the only one thin...

A family is at the zoo with their young son

They’re walking into the elephant exhibit and the dad steps away to go get some popcorn. As the son is looking at the elephants, he turns to his mother and asks

“Mom, what’s that hanging down between the elephants legs?”

“Oh that’s his trunk sweetie, it’s kind of like their nose”
...

A boy was sitting in a bus eating chocolate. The elderly man next to him asked him...

Man : If you eat chocolates young lad, you will spoil your teeth.

Boy : My grandfather lived 110 years.

Man : By eating chocolate?

Boy : No. By minding his own business.

A city boy comes to visit his grandparents on their farm and spend the night.

It's been years since they last saw him, and over dinner they reminisce the times that he came to visit over the summer as a kid. Most of the stories Grandpa brought up were about his grandson's dumb attempts to help out.

"Why, I remember when you said you could feed the chickens and gave the...

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Little Johnny goes to the circus with his parents...

As soon as they get to their seats, Johnny’s Dad gets up and says, “I’m going to grab a beer, I’ll be right back.”

Right in front of Johnny is the biggest elephant he had ever seen. “Hey Mom, you see that big elephant right there?” She looks over, “Why yes Johnny, I sure do!” And Johnny says,...

Two cannibals were eating an entitled kid

One says to the other," Does this taste a bit spoiled?"

There's usually workers at supermarkets who temperature probe incoming deliveries

It's to make sure the temperature is below the required level and the produce hasn't spoiled.

They don't get paid for doing this, they just do it probe ono

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Jimmy’s wife is tired of him never buying her presents for anything

So she creates a plan to get some nice jewelry and some action for herself. She approaches her husband with a piece of paper, written on it is a list of gifts and rewards. She says, If you start spoiling me I’ll give you something extra each night, a nice dinner gets you a sexy outfit, a necklace ge...

Dr. Frankenstein finally became popular enough in his own right to gain unlimited access to cemeteries and morgues for his creations.

I guess to the Victor goes the spoils.

Common sense

An uneducated father with his educated son went on a camping trip. They set-up their tent and fell asleep.
Some hours later, the father woke up his son.
Father- Look up to the sky and tell me what you see.
Son- I see millions of stars.
Father- And what does that tell you?
Son- Astrono...

My morning was really bitter sweet today.

This is the last time I’m drinking spoiled milk with sugar

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An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Frenchman walk into a bar...

they all sit down at the and order a beer. Just before their first sips, a fly lands in each of their respective beers.

The Frenchman pushes his beer back with his nose in the air and exclaims, "barkeep! This beer is spoiled, bring me a fresh one".

The Englishman plucks the fly...

Why Ironman and why not Fe-male?

Do not spoil the answer

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Mom and dad take their 5 year-old son to the zoo...

They stop by the elephants and the son notices the bull elephant, who's clearly excited. The son whispers to mom, "Mom, what's that thing hanging from the elephant?"

The mom, not really paying attention replies, "That's the elephant's trunk, sweetie."

The son replies, "No, mom. I know ...

A guy was meeting his friend in the bar

As he walked in, he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other, "Nine." Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten. "Sorry to spoil your evening," said his frie...

I’ve suffered from so much racist abuse today, with people yelling at me to “go home” and “go back where you came from.”

It really spoiled my giant get-together with all my friends in the park.

How do you get an elephant in a Safeway carrier bag?

You take the "F" out of "way"


(It took me a while, so don't feel bad, try not to spoil it!)

Hiker got lost in mountains

This is tranaslation of old joke from my country :

Hiker got lost in mountains. At evening, after whole day of walking, exhausted and hungry, he finds old sheep shepherd sitting in front of his hut. With his last strength, hiker ask"s old shepherd:

"Good man, I got lost in mountains a...

The Middle Aged Magician

There's this middle aged magician in Vegas who has this really big show he's nervous for. He hits it off with one of the showgirls and she says she come by before the show to help ease his nerves. So he prepares by taking his magic blue pill. Unfortunately, she never shows up and it's time for him t...

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A man brings his dog to the vet

Upon seeing that the dog is severely overweight the vet says "you spoil this dog way too much
And he's perfectly capable of licking his own balls too"

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A five year-old kid goes on a trip to the zoo with his Mom

They're passing the elephant house and the female elephants are in season. The bull is aroused. He's walking around trumpeting, displaying his tusks and generally being aggressive. He also has a full-on erection.

The kid spots the weird grey thing swinging around between the bull's rear legs ...

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I'm 17 and I like to write jokes in my spare time. Thought reddit might like to hear some.

I think blonde jokes are awful. I mean, the poor things don't even understand them.

So I got this pair of shoes that cost me an arm and a leg. Luckily, my mom still pays for everything.

Statistics have shown that 9 out of 11 people are offended by this joke.

I've yet to be dispr...

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