It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland. As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill;

It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland. As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill;
"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"
The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it.
There is gunfire for a minute and then...

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was ...

What looses a head every morning but gets it back every night?

A pillow

I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"

She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"

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Whats the worst place to loose ypur virginty?

At a family trip to Alabama

I used to sell loose onions

Until I got the sack

What's the difference between Captain Picard, a scared female pig, a loose thread, and the likelihood this joke is terrible?

One likes to make it so, one is an afraid sow, one is a frayed sew, and sorry, but I'm afraid so!

What do you call a magician who looses his magic?

Ian :)

There’s a necrophiliac on the loose

Look alive people

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Loose and Floppy Vagina

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.


Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she foun...

A joke from my country (Brazil)

In an international police convention, American FBI, English Scotland Yard and Brazilian BOPE are about to take part in a competition.

A rabbit will be set loose in the woods and the team that retrieves it in the shortest time wins.

First goes the Scotland Yard. They use hounds and hel...

How to loose belly fat

Little Johny walks to his mom and starts asking her about what he had seen the previous night while sneaking around the house.

Little Johny: Mommy, mommy why ware you jumping on daddy’s stomach last night?

Mom: Johny you’re old enough to know the truth... your dad is getting obese so ...

What do Greek Gods do when screws get loose?

They Titan them.

An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a bum. “Spare some loose change?” asks the bum. “And why should I do that?” asks the accountant. Because I’m broke. Haven’t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,” says the bum.

“I see,” says the accountant. “And how does this compare to the same quarter last year?”

It's hard for me to drive my car with loose wheels this month.

Afterall, it is No Nut November!

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

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My vodka Christmas cake recipe

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4...

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Three men die and are standing in line at the pearly gates.

St. Peter tells them that the rules have changed, and they can only be let in to heaven now if they have had a really bad death. He then proceeds to get their stories one at a time.

The first man explains. "I live on the 25th floor of my apartment building. I came home from work early today, ...

At his death bed, Achilles realized that they where going to loose the war and uttered his last words.

Defeet hurts.

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Clever Monkey and the Mighty Lion

One day, Clever Monkey was swinging through the canopy, leaping with great agility from branch to vine. Watch him as he swings and capers, the joy in his eyes, his monkey smile. Surely he was the fastest, smartest and perhaps the HAPPIEST of all the animals in the Kingdom.

As he capered abo...

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The dishes

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.

He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a FOR SALE sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and asks th...

Loose load

a trucker in Newfoundland stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the s...

Four women in a bar are boasting about how loose they are....

The first one says “hey bartender, get me the biggest lemon you’ve got.” The bartender is confused, but brings back a large lemon and gives it to the woman. She goes to work down under, and after some exertion, stands up with no lemon in her hands.

The second lady calls to the bartender, “Ba...

Boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.

"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kate Dannaher?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kathleen McGonigle?"

"No, Father. I don't want to say who it was."

Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who...

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Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

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Man looses his wife

I was in a department store the other day and I walked up to a young and lovely woman and said, "I've lost my wife in here somewhere. Can you talk to me a couple of minutes?"

The woman looks puzzled. "Why talk to me?", she asks.

Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like your...

A lawyer, A rabbi, and a Buddhist Monk...

...Are driving together on Route 66. It's beginning to get dark and they are wishing for a place to stop but there isn't a town for miles. Then they spot an old farmhouse and decide to ask. The farmer meets them at the door and listens to their request. He says that he would be glad to let them stay...

What’s the opposite of tight quarters?

Loose change.

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Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it...

A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink, and begins to cry

The bar tender takes notice and asks "hey, what's wrong"

"I've been caught sleeping with my patients, I'm going to loose my license."

"You're crying because of that? My cousin sleeps with his patients all the time, you have nothing to fear."

"Oh yeah? Is your cousin a veterinar...

Here is an actual sign posted in a golf club.

1. Back straight, knees bent.
2. Feet shoulder width apart.
3. Form a loose grip.
4. Keep your head down!
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please...

How did the blind farmer react when his dog got loose in his cantaloupe patch?

He felt a bit melancholy.

I heard over the radio there was a maniac on the loose!

I got so scared I almost missed the pedestrians!

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Three female friends are at the bar, bragging about how much sex they get.

Somehow, this conversation gets to bragging about how loose they all are.

The first one says, "I get so much sex, I can fit two dicks at once, no problem!"

The second says, "Oh yeah? I get double- fisted every weekend and it feels great!"

They look at their third friend, and say...

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I'm hoping for a peaceful transition of power if Trump looses.

Just like Germany did in April 30, 1945.

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There is no arguing with cowboy logic.

The Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the naturalists had a "more humane" solution. What ...

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Woman visits the antique store

And find a beautiful wardrobe. She decide to buy, but says, that it is too big and won't fit through her door.

The clerk tells her that they can disassemble it, deliver to her house and then assemble it again. She accept so they do just that.

Next day woman calls to the store explainin...

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A very hot blonde and a very hot brunette are loose on the streets.

A very hot blonde and a very hot brunette are loose on the streets. They are working together looting people. One gives you a blowjob while the other cleans out your wallet.
Trust me, I've been robbed 7 times by them.

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Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

If you loose your left hand

Your right hand will be left

Two guys decide that they'd go out drinking on the night before their exam.

Wasted on the night before, the two arrive at the university well after the exam ended. They went straight to the professor, saying that they couldn't take the test because one of the car's tires had gone flat. Surprisingly, the professor allows them and promptly tells them to come back tomorrow....

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A man sees a sign in front of a bar that states "Free Beer For 1 Year Inquire Inside"

The man goes inside and sits down at the bar, and asks the bartender about the sign he saw out front. The bartender informs him that all he has to do is complete 3 tasks, and the bar will give him free beer for one year. The man asked what the tasks were and the bartender responded. First you need t...

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A golfer is absolutely killing it out on the course. (Long)

He’s playing at one of those residential courses surrounded by beautiful homes.

He nails the drive on the 6th hole. He’s so excited and proud of himself that he guns his golf cart full speed ahead to get to the putting green.

He’s going so fast that he misreads a curve and ends up topp...

Friend of mine bought a Rolex but the glass popped off and then the mechanism came loose and fell to the floor...

...I said watch out!

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A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

He goes inside, and asks the bartender what he needs to do to receive free beer for life. The bartender reaches under the bar and pulls out a bottle of vodka, " First, drink this whole bottle in one go, no cry...

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Robin Hood was dying

Robin Hood was dying. He had lived a great many years, and now he was old, grey, and bedridden. He put out messages for all his friends to see him; and so at the appointed hour, Maid Marian, Little John, Friar Tuck, and the rest of the Merry Men gathered in his bedchamber.

"Maid Marian, my l...

I went to the Chinese for a take away last night, I ordered chicken chow mein, egg fried rice and Singapore crispy noodles. The bloke tipped it all loose in to a carrier bag. I said what the hell are you doing?

He said we're not allowed to put Chinese in a container anymore.

Nation's attempt to impound water fails as barrier breaks loose

Citizens: Dam!

I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious.

Laughing at my ex-pence.

Why do dancers like loose fitting trousers?

They’re better for ball room.

How much will the EU loose after brexit?

About 1 GB.

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

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A morbidly obese man

visits his doctor.

“Doc,” he says, “I can’t stand being this fat anymore. Please help.”

“Alright, let’s get to work”, replies the doctor. After many months of diet and exercise, the man winds up loosing hundreds of pounds. An unfortunate side effect though is that he has all this loos...

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NFSW A young man had made up his mind to become a lumberjack. So he takes all his tree falling equipment to a lumberjack camp in Quebec.

On his first day he does very well. Keeping up with the other lumberjacks all day.

When the evening meal came, he joined the circle sitting around the campfire, eating the standard
woodsmen's fare; beans & black coffee.

Around the middle of their meal one of the largest lumberj...

My friend asked me if there is a quick way to loose 50lbs

I said sure but it will cost an arm and a leg.

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

Why did the cross-eyed teacher loose her job

because she couldn't control her pupils.

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What does trump call the loose skin around a vagina?

A woman

Taking my kraken out for a swim. Darn thing gets loose again.

Re-leash the kraken!

It's great having a loose girlfriend!

But she's had her fun now, back in the cage she goes!

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

A duck and a detective are investigating a crime scene.

Duck: It looks like the man was stabbed

Detective : Do you suspect fowl play?

Duck: please focus, there may be a killer on the loose.

Detective: You’re right, I really hope we can quack this case and put it to bread

A zoo just had several break-ins and many animals are now running around loose in the park. In today's meeting however, management was only concerned about discussing changes to the gift shop.

I'm not sure why we're not addressing the elephant in the room.

After the birth of our first child my wife was worried that she'd be a bit "loose" .

I tried to reassure her but ended up putting my foot in it.

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Karen loves astrology

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

Sometimes 'leaving a loose thread hanging' has the opposite meaning...

...just ask Jeffrey Epstein.

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A restaurant has a challenge: "We will give $500 to any customer whose order we can not fill"

One day, a man sees this sign and decides to take them up on it. So when gets seated, he tells the waitress that he wants an elephant testicle on rye bread.

She dutifully takes his order back to the kitchen. A few seconds later he could hear all hell breaking loose in the kitchen: there's peo...

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Husband and Wife

A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she'd just had. "I was at an auction for Peni$es. The big ones sold for $1000 and the tiny ones for $10."

Husband: "What about one my size?"

Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"

Pissed off and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his ...

What’s the best way to loose weight fast?

Drop your wallet in England, up to hundreds of pounds gone in seconds

I was going to make a joke about a loose bow...

But I realized that joke was a little too far-stretched

Where does a dog go when he looses his tail?

A retail store

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An older man fancied a young women he met.

The gentleman met the women and tried every trick in the book to get her to sleep with him, except the direct approach as she was so young and he was so married.

After some time she suddnly asked him "Are you trying to get me into bed?". Before the man could response she said "I would be hap...

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A guy walks into a bar

He has his dog with him. It's an ugly little yellow dog. He sits down at the bar next to a Marine.

The Marine has his dog with him. It's a German Shepherd, and it bristles at the ugly little yellow dog.

The Marine says "Son, you need to get your ugly little yellow dog out of here, or m...

Anyone who says

Idle hands are the devil’s plaything has clearly never been around a toddler. Those hands don’t stop moving and they cause all hell to break loose

I recently met an old friend. He noticed my tan and and weight loss and asked: "where and how did you loose all that extra pounds?"

I ran.

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3 Explorers are captured by a cannibal tribe...

the chief of the tribe goes to them and says, "If you wish to live and be set free, you must follow this order: Go out into our jungle and collect 10 of a single fruit. Then return here by sundown." All wanting to live, the 3 explorers go off into the jungle.

The first comes back with 10 man...

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A Science-Minded Deviant

There's this scientist that loves dolphins. He loves dolphins so much, he wants to figure out a way to make them live forever. For years he slaves away in his basement laboratory, and he believes that he has found a compound that when given to dolphins, will make them live forever. The only probl...

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Female parrot thief on the loose

Shes been known to take a cockatoo

What did the Fonz catch from sleeping with too many loose women?

Hepatitis Ayyyy!

Three girls are sitting in a bar talking about how loose they are

One can fit a cucumber, the other can fit a sausage and the third girl slides down the barstool.

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What's the difference between an Art School Graduate and a loose anal sphincter?

One is a failing artist, the other is an ailing fartist.

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Why do you never see Old Suicide Bombers, after all they have less to loose?

Because A man who hasn't had a hard on in 10 years, has no use for 72 virgins.

Two blondes are traveling in their motorhome.

At some point during the trip they get stuck when trying to drive under a low bridge. I have an idea says first, let the air out of the tires, so we might get loose! You are really stupid, says the second, it is at the top that we are stuck!

Loose women

3 women are sitting at a bar conversing over lady stuff.

Eventually the first woman says, "I'm so loose I can fit an entire carrot up there.."

The second woman chimes in and says, "yes, well I'm so loose I can fit an entire baseball bat up there.."

The Third woman slides down ...

A maniac is on the loose after stabbing 6 people with a knitting needle...

Early reports from the police suggest he is following some kind of pattern...

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loose skin around the vagina? (women)(sfw)

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde."
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, b...

I found $27 in loose change in my girlfriend’s PT Cruiser, but she was visibly upset.

She said I cut the resale value in half.

On a cold, snowy day, a man's car has a flat tire in front of a mental hospital.

As he's trying to change the tire, several patients are watching him through holes in the fence. He puts the hubcap down on the snow, and starts putting the loose lug nuts in the hubcap. When he gets the wheel off, he accidentally steps on the edge of the hubcap, and the lug nuts go flying off in...

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3 nuns are at the bar together, having some drinks, bullshitting

1st nun says, “Hey guys, I’m so loose, I can get an entire fist up there.”

2nd nun takes a shot, says, “That’s nothing! I’m so loose, I can get *two* whole fists up there and still have room to clap.”

Well they both look at the 3rd nun who says nothing, but starts sliding down the bar ...

Where does an Italian keep their loose change?

In their penne jar

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A drunken man who smelled like beer say down on the subway next to a priest...

The man’s tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.He opened his newspaper and began reading.After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”The priest repli...

An Irish priest has a rat problem...

He tries everything to get rid of them. Traps, poison, setting cats loose in his church. Nothing works, and they are starting to deter some of his regular attendees because they see the rats during communion.


One day a Bishop is visiting and the priest tells him his woes.


"Hav...

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

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Life is like a penis, loose and hanging freely.

Until a woman comes along and makes it hard.

A man walks into a bar

he notices a jar of cash on the counter, and asks the bartender, ”what’s with the jar” the bartender explains it is the prize for completing a set of challenges, entry is $5. The man orders a few drinks, all the while he contemplates attempting the challenges. After his 5th glass he sets down $5 dol...

Three idiots get lost in the desert......

After walking for hours, they begin to realize they are in trouble knowing they need water very soon. Fortunately for them they happen upon a crashed and deserted car, the first idiot: the radiator must have water, the second idiot the wind shield wiper container must have water, the third idiot doe...

Now US can't loose in Card Game Because...

They have Trump card.

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Why do retail workers call rude and snotty customers “Karen”?

Because they would loose their job if they called them a “Cunt”.

Tables turned

We got a new dog. We named him Jesus, and he gets loose often. Occasionally I'll knock on my Mormon neighbors door just to ask if _they've_ found Jesus.

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and
pass in front of a very large gorilla, the
gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars,
holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting
and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is
obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy
dress....

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A man wakes up next to his wife one morning. He asks his wife if she had any dreams that night

"Well, I dreamed I was at an auction for cocks," the wife replied. "Really big cocks got bids of $100, and the tiny ones got bids of $10."

"Oh yeah? What did mine go for?" the husband slyly asked with a wink.

"Pfft, it didn't get a single bid," replied the wife.

The husband grum...

There is a 50/50 risk of loosing your hand during your life...

Either you loose it or you don't. The probability on the other hand... is unsure.

A man goes into confession on his way home from the gold course

Forgive me Father I have sinned.

*Tell me what happened son*

Well, I used the Lords name in vain. I was out golfing this morning and hit the most beautiful drive of my life, straight as an arrow, it must've carried 300 yards, right down the middle of the fairway.

*So you got a l...

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