UPJOKE
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"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was ...

My wife was in the kitchen wearing only the t-shirt she slept in...

... preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me right now! Right here!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
...

My gym instructor advised me to wear loose clothing while exercising.

I would not have joined the gym if I had any loose clothing.

Apparently there's a necrophiliac on the loose.

Look alive, people

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I wasn't getting enough fiber in my diet until recently, so my stool was very loose.

Now I've got my shit together.

Doctor she too loose

A man brings his wife to the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you have to stitch her up down there she's too loose."
The doctor says, "Why don't you use the other hole?"
The man says "I don't want her to get pregnant."

I used to sell loose onions

Until I got the sack

There’s a criminal on the loose in the State of Quantum.

Wanted dead and alive.

I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"

She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"

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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it ...

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

First night and the instructor says "Right guys. First night out in the woods! Your first test is to go catch your dinner. I want each team to go out and catch a...

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For my cake day I’ve decided to share my favourite cake recipe

I used to have trouble remembering how I did it, so this time I wrote it down while making it.

You’ll need 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka,2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to che...

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Why is it always 'Extra Virgin' olive oil?

Why can’t we also have some 'Loose Woman' olive oil?

The Test

This joke was told to me 20 years ago by a friend of my Dad’s.

The President of the USA decides to run an exercise to test the effectiveness of the CIA, the FBI and the LAPD with a simple task - a bunny rabbit will be let loose in a designated forest and he will send in one agency at a time ...

What looses a head every morning but gets it back every night?

A pillow

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

What do you call a magician who looses his magic?

Ian :)

What's the difference between Captain Picard, a scared female pig, a loose thread, and the likelihood this joke is terrible?

One likes to make it so, one is an afraid sow, one is a frayed sew, and sorry, but I'm afraid so!

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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, each telling tall tales.

The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. The other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."

The second cowboy says. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a f...

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So a trucker is driving down the road...

and he sees these two guys standing by the side of the road. He stops and they ask if they could have a ride to the next town over, so he lets them on, and they keep driving. A bit down the road, one of the guys asks,

"Hey is it ok if I pass some gas?"

The trucker thinks its a bit weir...

Why do you put diapers on a baby?

To tie up loose ends

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Whats the worst place to loose ypur virginty?

At a family trip to Alabama

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Understood?

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old ice hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or loose, but how we play...

What do Greek Gods do when screws get loose?

They Titan them.

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Loose and Floppy Vagina

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.


Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she foun...

Boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.

"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kate Dannaher?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kathleen McGonigle?"

"No, Father. I don't want to say who it was."

Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who...

Four women in a bar are boasting about how loose they are....

The first one says “hey bartender, get me the biggest lemon you’ve got.” The bartender is confused, but brings back a large lemon and gives it to the woman. She goes to work down under, and after some exertion, stands up with no lemon in her hands.

The second lady calls to the bartender, “Ba...

An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a bum. “Spare some loose change?” asks the bum. “And why should I do that?” asks the accountant. Because I’m broke. Haven’t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,” says the bum.

“I see,” says the accountant. “And how does this compare to the same quarter last year?”

It is 1939 and the Soviet army is marching onwards to Finland.

As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill;


"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it. There is gunfire for a minute and then everything goes silent for a moment, and they ...

At his death bed, Achilles realized that they where going to loose the war and uttered his last words.

Defeet hurts.

A cop just knocked on my door...

...and tells me that a couple of dogs have been spotted chasing some kids around the neighborhood on bikes. He then asked if my dogs had been loose at all today, to see if it could have been them. I told him, "Sir, my dogs don't even know how to ride bikes."

A 90 year old man was being interviewed on the secret to long life

The TV cameras were rolling as he was explaining that his secret to long life was to never drink or chase loose women, when the back bedroom door opened and a barely dressed young woman ran out and grabbed an ice tray from the fridge.

A bellow from the back room came, “Woman, get back here!”...

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A priest goes to the mechanic.

He tells the mechanic, "hey, I just brought in my car last week, and since you guys worked on it, it's leaking oil all over my garage."

The mechanic says, "my apologies father, we'll make sure we get it right this time, come back tomorrow, and we'll have it tip-top for you."

The prie...

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A dog walks into a bank with his lawyer for making deposit of 1M$ cash money

The teller of the bank brings dog to bank president because of so much money.

The bank president says for dog and lawyer come into his office and close the door. He makes question to the dog, "How do you come by having so much moneys?"

The dog replies, "ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF G...

A joke from my country (Brazil)

In an international police convention, American FBI, English Scotland Yard and Brazilian BOPE are about to take part in a competition.

A rabbit will be set loose in the woods and the team that retrieves it in the shortest time wins.

First goes the Scotland Yard. They use hounds and hel...

How to loose belly fat

Little Johny walks to his mom and starts asking her about what he had seen the previous night while sneaking around the house.

Little Johny: Mommy, mommy why ware you jumping on daddy’s stomach last night?

Mom: Johny you’re old enough to know the truth... your dad is getting obese so ...

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

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Going up?

An old woman gets on an elevator in a very lavish and posh 30 story building, when a young and beautiful woman also gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance by Ralph Lauren, $120 a bottle.”

Then another young and be...

Bachelor shopping

A man, enjoying bachelorhood while his wife was away visiting her parents, lived like a typical bachelor, living on whatever was in the pantry.

Cauliflower in the fridge? Fry them with the eggs found there and that's lunch and dinner. Don't want to cook? Open up the cans of soup in the pantry...

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A teenaged boy goes to pick up a girl...

... for a first date. Her father sits him down in the living room next to their German Shepherd and proceeds to chat while the girl gets ready.

The boy has a nervous stomach, and the stress of wanting to make a good impression is too much for him. He feels trouble brewing down there. Eventual...

Sugar Daddy Humor

**Johnny the Fighter Pilot**

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest Sugar Baby, give her a Ferrari wo...

I was bicycling through a city in France when suddenly my wheel fell off

It was too loose.

Subject: Chemistry Mid-term

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus ...

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Man looses his wife

I was in a department store the other day and I walked up to a young and lovely woman and said, "I've lost my wife in here somewhere. Can you talk to me a couple of minutes?"

The woman looks puzzled. "Why talk to me?", she asks.

Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like your...

Loose load

a trucker in Newfoundland stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the s...

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion.

So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture t...

It's hard for me to drive my car with loose wheels this month.

Afterall, it is No Nut November!

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I'm hoping for a peaceful transition of power if Trump looses.

Just like Germany did in April 30, 1945.

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

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Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

Why did the photographer throw their tripod in the lake?

One of the legs was loose and they couldn't stand it anymore.

How did the blind farmer react when his dog got loose in his cantaloupe patch?

He felt a bit melancholy.

I heard over the radio there was a maniac on the loose!

I got so scared I almost missed the pedestrians!

If you loose your left hand

Your right hand will be left

90% of the money I have made....

...has been spent on hard liquor, loose women, and other pleasures of the flesh.


The rest I squandered.

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A very hot blonde and a very hot brunette are loose on the streets.

A very hot blonde and a very hot brunette are loose on the streets. They are working together looting people. One gives you a blowjob while the other cleans out your wallet.
Trust me, I've been robbed 7 times by them.

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Cowboy rides into town....

( For cake day i suggest telling these jokes in series )

A cowboy rides into town. All the way down the main drag, he sees not a single soul.
He pulls up in front of the saloon and the only other person around is the sheriff, sitting on the porch.
He dismounts, ties up his horse, tips...

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Three men die and are standing in line at the pearly gates.

St. Peter tells them that the rules have changed, and they can only be let in to heaven now if they have had a really bad death. He then proceeds to get their stories one at a time.

The first man explains. "I live on the 25th floor of my apartment building. I came home from work early today, ...

Friend of mine bought a Rolex but the glass popped off and then the mechanism came loose and fell to the floor...

...I said watch out!

I went to the Chinese for a take away last night, I ordered chicken chow mein, egg fried rice and Singapore crispy noodles. The bloke tipped it all loose in to a carrier bag. I said what the hell are you doing?

He said we're not allowed to put Chinese in a container anymore.

My husband’s favorite joke

Loosely translated from Italian


An old man walks into a bakery and asks for 5kg of bread.

The lady behind the counter says “sir, but it will get hard!”

The old man replies: “really? Then give me 10kg!”

Why do dancers like loose fitting trousers?

They’re better for ball room.

Nation's attempt to impound water fails as barrier breaks loose

Citizens: Dam!

Is it love?

A gal walks into a bar, orders a beer and lets loose a deep sigh. "Do you know that crazy tingly feeling you get when you think you really like someone?" she asks the bartender. "Apparently it is just common sense leaving your body."

How much will the EU loose after brexit?

About 1 GB.

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Heaven is overcrowded, so Saint Peter has to come up with a plan.

His plan is, that he will only allow people who died in an interesting way through the Pearly Gates. There are three guys arriving at the same time, so Saint Peter goes to the first and says: "My son, heaven is overcrowded, I will only let you enter if you died in an interesting way."
The guy s...

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"12 Days Of Christmas - Bayou Style"

Day 1 Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it
las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow
in the swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.


Day 2 Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but
all I got was two scrawny pigeon...

How do you loose all your karma

Posting your opinion on r/Politics

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What does trump call the loose skin around a vagina?

A woman

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Ageism joke

A son asks his father: How do women age?
The father answers:" Women age just like onions, son. They bloat with each year, until they start to stink like a spoiled, rotten, onion."
The wife hears and tells the son:" That's nothing! Men age like Christmas trees. First they loose the leafs, then ...

A guy goes to the doctor

for his annual medical. “Give it to me straight, doctor. Am I going to live to be 100?”

“Well, do you drink, smoke, do drugs, gamble, drive fast, or mess around with loose women?”

“No, certainly not!”

“Then why the hell do you want to live to be 100?”

My friend asked me if there is a quick way to loose 50lbs

I said sure but it will cost an arm and a leg.

Why did the cross-eyed teacher loose her job

because she couldn't control her pupils.

A lawyer, A rabbi, and a Buddhist Monk...

...Are driving together on Route 66. It's beginning to get dark and they are wishing for a place to stop but there isn't a town for miles. Then they spot an old farmhouse and decide to ask. The farmer meets them at the door and listens to their request. He says that he would be glad to let them stay...

It's great having a loose girlfriend!

But she's had her fun now, back in the cage she goes!

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

A teenager is getting ready for a party.

She comes downstairs, and granny notices she’s wearing a white crop top, with no bra underneath.

Granny: You should really wear a bra under that!

Teen: Oh, come on gran. No one wears bras anymore! You’ve got to show off your rosebuds!

So the teen leaves for her party.
When sh...

Here is an actual sign posted in a golf club.

1. Back straight, knees bent.
2. Feet shoulder width apart.
3. Form a loose grip.
4. Keep your head down!
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please...

Taking my kraken out for a swim. Darn thing gets loose again.

Re-leash the kraken!

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A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

He goes inside, and asks the bartender what he needs to do to receive free beer for life. The bartender reaches under the bar and pulls out a bottle of vodka, " First, drink this whole bottle in one go, no cry...

What’s the best way to loose weight fast?

Drop your wallet in England, up to hundreds of pounds gone in seconds

What did the Fonz catch from sleeping with too many loose women?

Hepatitis Ayyyy!

A zoo just had several break-ins and many animals are now running around loose in the park. In today's meeting however, management was only concerned about discussing changes to the gift shop.

I'm not sure why we're not addressing the elephant in the room.

After the birth of our first child my wife was worried that she'd be a bit "loose" .

I tried to reassure her but ended up putting my foot in it.

Sometimes 'leaving a loose thread hanging' has the opposite meaning...

...just ask Jeffrey Epstein.

Two guys decide that they'd go out drinking on the night before their exam.

Wasted on the night before, the two arrive at the university well after the exam ended. They went straight to the professor, saying that they couldn't take the test because one of the car's tires had gone flat. Surprisingly, the professor allows them and promptly tells them to come back tomorrow....

I was going to make a joke about a loose bow...

But I realized that joke was a little too far-stretched

What’s the opposite of tight quarters?

Loose change.

Loose women

3 women are sitting at a bar conversing over lady stuff.

Eventually the first woman says, "I'm so loose I can fit an entire carrot up there.."

The second woman chimes in and says, "yes, well I'm so loose I can fit an entire baseball bat up there.."

The Third woman slides down ...

Where does a dog go when he looses his tail?

A retail store

Three girls are sitting in a bar talking about how loose they are

One can fit a cucumber, the other can fit a sausage and the third girl slides down the barstool.

I recently met an old friend. He noticed my tan and and weight loss and asked: "where and how did you loose all that extra pounds?"

I ran.

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

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loose skin around the vagina? (women)(sfw)

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde."
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, b...

A maniac is on the loose after stabbing 6 people with a knitting needle...

Early reports from the police suggest he is following some kind of pattern...

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Why do you never see Old Suicide Bombers, after all they have less to loose?

Because A man who hasn't had a hard on in 10 years, has no use for 72 virgins.

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Three female friends are at the bar, bragging about how much sex they get.

Somehow, this conversation gets to bragging about how loose they all are.

The first one says, "I get so much sex, I can fit two dicks at once, no problem!"

The second says, "Oh yeah? I get double- fisted every weekend and it feels great!"

They look at their third friend, and say...

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What's the difference between an Art School Graduate and a loose anal sphincter?

One is a failing artist, the other is an ailing fartist.

A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink, and begins to cry

The bar tender takes notice and asks "hey, what's wrong"

"I've been caught sleeping with my patients, I'm going to loose my license."

"You're crying because of that? My cousin sleeps with his patients all the time, you have nothing to fear."

"Oh yeah? Is your cousin a veterinar...

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Female parrot thief on the loose

Shes been known to take a cockatoo

I found $27 in loose change in my girlfriend’s PT Cruiser, but she was visibly upset.

She said I cut the resale value in half.

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Woman visits the antique store

And find a beautiful wardrobe. She decide to buy, but says, that it is too big and won't fit through her door.

The clerk tells her that they can disassemble it, deliver to her house and then assemble it again. She accept so they do just that.

Next day woman calls to the store explainin...

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Clever Monkey and the Mighty Lion

One day, Clever Monkey was swinging through the canopy, leaping with great agility from branch to vine. Watch him as he swings and capers, the joy in his eyes, his monkey smile. Surely he was the fastest, smartest and perhaps the HAPPIEST of all the animals in the Kingdom.

As he capered abo...

Where does an Italian keep their loose change?

In their penne jar

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Life is like a penis, loose and hanging freely.

Until a woman comes along and makes it hard.

Now US can't loose in Card Game Because...

They have Trump card.

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Robin Hood was dying

Robin Hood was dying. He had lived a great many years, and now he was old, grey, and bedridden. He put out messages for all his friends to see him; and so at the appointed hour, Maid Marian, Little John, Friar Tuck, and the rest of the Merry Men gathered in his bedchamber.

"Maid Marian, my l...

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