Loose Jokes - 75 Hilarious Loose Jokes

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot ...

My wife was in the kitchen wearing only the t-shirt she slept in...

... preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me right now! Right here!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
...

‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.’

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Joe?' 'Yes, Father’ ‘Who’s the gal you were with?' 'I won’t tell, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' ‘Was it Jane marlow?’ ‘I can’t say.' 'Was it Tami Jones?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Kim Dixon or Kate James?' 'My lips are sealed.

The priest sighs in frustration....

What do you call a word with loose vowels?

Inconsonant

What do you get if you loose one of your fingers?

# What do you get if you lose one of your fingers?

10% Discount for a Manicure.

Boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.

"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kate Dannaher?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kathleen McGonigle?"

"No, Father. I don't want to say who it was."

Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who...

Why do dancers wear loose trousers?

For the ballroom

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I wasn't getting enough fiber in my diet until recently, so my stool was very loose.

Now I've got my together.

The news said there is a necrophiliac on the loose

Look alive, folks!

Should you tie or stitch your loose ends?

Maybe sew maybe knot!

There’s a criminal on the loose in the State of Quantum.

Wanted dead and alive.

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A man is obsessed with trains.

A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which...

I used to sell loose onions

Until I got the sack

An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a bum. “Spare some loose change?” asks the bum. “And why should I do that?” asks the accountant. Because I’m broke. Haven’t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,” says the bum.

“I see,” says the accountant. “And how does this compare to the same quarter last year?”

It's hard for me to drive my car with loose wheels this month.

Afterall, it is No Nut November!

My fitness instructor advised me to wear loose clothing while exercising.

I would not have joined the gym if I had any loose clothing.

What do you call a Magician that looses his magic?

Ian

What's the difference between Captain Picard, a scared female pig, a loose thread, and the likelihood this joke is terrible?

One likes to make it so, one is an afraid sow, one is a frayed sew, and sorry, but I'm afraid so!

At his death bed, Achilles realized that they where going to loose the war and uttered his last words.

Defeet hurts.

What do Greek Gods do when screws get loose?

They Titan them.

If you loose your left hand

Your right hand will be left

Loose load

a trucker in Newfoundland stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the s...

It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland

As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill -

"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it.

There is gunfire for a minute and then everything goes silent for a moment, and th...

How did the blind farmer react when his dog got loose in his cantaloupe patch?

He felt a bit melancholy.

Friend of mine bought a Rolex but the glass popped off and then the mechanism came loose and fell to the floor...

...I said watch out!

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Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

I heard over the radio there was a maniac on the loose!

I got so scared I almost missed the pedestrians!

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loose skin around the ? (women)(sfw)

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde."
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, b...

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

Why do dancers like loose fitting trousers?

They’re better for ball room.

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Two men and a woman are going to hitman school…

… and their teacher takes one of the men out into the hallway, points at a door and says, “In this room we have your wife. Here’s a loaded pistol, go in and kill her.”

The guy says “OK.” He goes into the room and comes out a few minutes later. He says, “I love her, I can’t do it.”

The ...

How much will the EU loose after brexit?

About 1 GB.

After the birth of our first child my wife was worried that she'd be a bit "loose" .

I tried to reassure her but ended up putting my foot in it.

It's great having a loose girlfriend!

But she's had her fun now, back in the cage she goes!

How do you loose all your karma

Posting your opinion on r/Politics

Nation's attempt to impound water fails as barrier breaks loose

Citizens: Dam!

My friend asked me if there is a quick way to loose 50lbs

I said sure but it will cost an arm and a leg.

What did the Fonz catch from sleeping with too many loose women?

Hepatitis Ayyyy!

Why did the cross-eyed teacher loose her job

because she couldn't control her pupils.

A zoo just had several break-ins and many animals are now running around loose in the park. In today's meeting however, management was only concerned about discussing changes to the gift shop.

I'm not sure why we're not addressing the elephant in the room.

Sometimes 'leaving a loose thread hanging' has the opposite meaning...

...just ask Jeffrey Epstein.

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A boy goes into confession...

The boy tells the priest, "Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl."

"Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?"

"Oh I can't say."

"Was it Mary Jane?"

"No Father."

"Adalina Mozarelli?"

"My lips are sealed."

"How about Cindy King"

"I can neve...

You know, they say loose lips sink ships...

That explains why your mom was kicked out of the Navy after visiting her OB/GYN.

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Female parrot thief on the loose

Shes been known to take a cockatoo

What’s the best way to loose weight fast?

Drop your wallet in England, up to hundreds of pounds gone in seconds

Taking my kraken out for a swim. Darn thing gets loose again.

Re-leash the kraken!

I was going to make a joke about a loose bow...

But I realized that joke was a little too far-stretched

I recently met an old friend. He noticed my tan and and weight loss and asked: "where and how did you loose all that extra pounds?"

I ran.

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

A maniac is on the loose after stabbing 6 people with a knitting needle...

Early reports from the police suggest he is following some kind of pattern...

What's the difference between "loose" and "loser"?

One describes your mom and the other describes your dad.

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Why do you never see Old Suicide Bombers, after all they have less to loose?

Because A man who hasn't had a hard on in 10 years, has no use for 72 virgins.

I found $27 in loose change in my girlfriend’s PT Cruiser, but she was visibly upset.

She said I cut the resale value in half.

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Life is like a , loose and hanging freely.

Until a woman comes along and makes it hard.

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and
pass in front of a very large gorilla, the
gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars,
holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting
and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is
obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy
dress....

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So there's a serial killer on the loose...

There's a serial killer on the loose in a pretty big city in Southern California. This killer has been at large for some time and has a particularity sadistic method of murdering his victims, he kills them by making thousands of tiny cuts all over their bodies until they pass out from pain and die o...

The only way to loose weight from green tea is that

You pick it from the mountains yourself

According to the news, there's a clairvoyant bank robber with dwarfism on the loose in my hometown.

They said to keep an eye-out for a Small Medium at Large.

Now US can't loose in Card Game Because...

They have Trump card.

Where does an Italian keep their loose change?

In their penne jar

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Loose translation of a Polish joke. Wife says to husband ...

Wife says to husband:

- You never take me to a club! Lets go this weekend!
- Naaah.. bad idea.
- Please! You never take me with you!
- Whateva... ok...

They go to the club, the bouncer at the door says:

- Hi Jack!

Wife looks at husband ...

Which member of the Justice League has loose connective tissue?

The Marfan Manhunter!

Very offensive man on the loose with flint and steel

Sparks outrage

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A golfer looses one of his arms and is depressed.

He can no longer play golf and feels he has nothing to live for, so he decides to end it all.
He goes to the top of a building and is ready to jump when he sees a man with no arms bouncing around happily on the sidewalk below him.
Wondering how someone with one less arm than him could possibly...

BREAKING: A Tiny Fortune Teller Has Robbed a Bank And Is Now On The Loose!

The headline reads: Small Medium At Large!

My loose coins falls on the floor of my bedroom daily, often without my knowing. It just sits there for weeks sometimes until I pick it up.

I guess you could say I have a hard time handling change.

Why shouldn't you wear loose fitting shorts when visiting Ukraine?

Because Chernobyl fallout

The Test

This joke was told to me 20 years ago by a friend of my Dad’s.

The President of the USA decides to run an exercise to test the effectiveness of the CIA, the FBI and the LAPD with a simple task - a bunny rabbit will be let loose in a designated forest and he will send in one agency at a time ...

How does loose leaf watch TV?

Paper-view

Tonight you will be bound and beaten until you almost loose consciousness and your tear ducts are dry

Sorry wrong sub

There are only two outcomes in a knot-tying competition.

Win or loose.

What did Donald Trump say to the sickly weasel that somehow got loose in the Oval Office?

Damn, next time I'll have to use more glue.

I was all cozy up in Mississippi and then all hell broke loose because...

Mr. Issippi came home early.

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