Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

Me: *can't afford to pay medical bills* Cancer cell: Kids these days don't work hard enough

Ok tumor

A convict finally escaped prison after digging a tunnel in his cell for years

He resurfaces in a kindergarten playground with children playing and no cops in sight. He could barely contain his excitement and screams, "I'm Free! I'M FREE!" A kid next to him looks at him and says, "So what? I'm four"

I was at a funeral service the other day and didn't have any cell service...

So, I marched down the aisle to the front and gave the priest a friendly ol' pat on the shoulder. "Hey buddy, do you by any chance know the Wi-Fi password about these parts?"

The priest, bewildered, gave me a look of disgust and hissed, "show some respect."

"All lowercase?" I asked.

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How do you know if your cell mate is gay?

His dick tastes like shit.

What did the blood cell say before it died in an artery?

I will not die in vein!

What do you call sperm's cells race?

Survival of the fetus

A man is driving home from work when his wife calls him on his cell phone.

“Phil!” She shouts in panic, “Please be careful! I just heard that some lunatic is driving the wrong way on the highway.”

“You won’t believe it, Doris,” he replies. “It’s not just one car; it’s hundreds of them!”

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The human sperm cell contains around 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25 ml and takes 5 seconds. Therefore the average bandwidth of the human penis is about 1687 TB/s

I know, I know that’s a lot of information to swallow.

Three men were sitting in a prison cell in Moscow in 1937

They discussed why they had been arrested.

"I showed up ten minutes late for work" the first man said "so they arrested me for sabotage"

"I showed up ten minutes early for work" said the second "so they arrested me for espionage"

"I showed up to work on time" said the third "so ...

What do cell towers do when someone puts down a beat?

They drop some bars.

Three prisoners break out of their jail cell.

There is only one prison guard, and he knows he is outnumbered. Instead of trying to take the prisoners down, he shouts “Hey! I don’t think you should do this. You should go back to your cells and wait out your sentence.“ The prisoners laugh, but the guard keeps talking. He gives them every reason w...

A bunch of inmates have been in the same cells for years

A newcomer is escorted to a cell by three heavily armed guards. As his eyes adjust to the darkness, he notices he has a cellmate. All of a sudden, someone shouts, "71!" Everybody in the prison starts cracking up.

The newcomer asks his cellmate why they were all laughing. He responds, "After a...

How do blonds brain cells die?

Alone

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

Pregnant

What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped his toes?

Mitosis

What are the cow's cells made of?

Moolecules

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A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

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Two men are sitting in a prison cell

One says

"I'm in here for 10 years, manslaughter. What about you?"

"I opened the window at my job and now I'm here for 15 years"

"What the fuck?"

"Yeah the submarine captain was PISSED"

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In the days before cell phones, a businessman wants to keep his wife "entertained" while he's away on business trips

In the days before cell phones, a businessman wants to keep his wife "entertained" while he's away on business trips. He tends to be away for a couple of weeks at a time, so he was always worried about his wife cheating on him. The man headed over to his local sex shop to see what he can find.
...

An elderly man was driving his Buick down the freeway when his cell phone rang.

Upon answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, ”Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going to wrong way on 280! Please be careful!”

Herman Replies, ”It’s not just one car, it’s hundreds of them!”

Why can't you get cell reception in space?

Because it's 0 G

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Three Mexicans are in a jail cell.

One Mexican says to another "JHey Ese, what you in forrr?"

The guy replies "Dey dink I rrrobbed a place man, But dey got de wrrrong guy! JHow about you?"

"Daamn Ese that sucks! Well I got into a fight in a barrr. So dey thrrew me in jherrre."

"Oh sorrrrrry, Ese." They both look ...

If your Cell Phone is water damaged, try submerging it in rice overnight.

This should attract Asians, who will fix it.

What do you call a cell without change

A Nicholas Cage

Two guys in a jail cell..

Two guys sitting in a jail cell alongside 3 others that had been arrested that night.

They find out one guy is a murderer, another stole a car and tried to drive to Mexico, the last guy was an African American man who kept to himself and wasn't talking.

"What's he in for?" one guy ask...

A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.

Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information.

The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information.

The English spy fared the same. After being tied an...

What did the blood cell say to it’s depressed buddy blood cell ?

B positive .

The new guy is settling in his prison cell...

When all of a sudden, one of the prisoners yells:

"83!!!!"

And every prisoner starts laughing. The new guy looks at his cell mate and asks what's going on. So his cell mate explains

"Since we always tell the same jokes, we just refer to them by number to save time."

Then ...

3 rednecks were working on a cell tower...

Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.'


Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do ...

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A masochist and a sadist are sitting in a prison cell

The masochist begs to the sadist “Please! Torture me!”

The sadist looks at the masochist and says, “No.”

memes are a lot like cells

if they don't die, they become cancer

There's a new prisoner and he was assigned to a cell. On the way to his cell...

he heard one prisoner said "110" and the other prisoners laugh really hard.

Then one more prisoner said "93" and the prisoners laughs again.

When he arrived at his cell, out of curiosity he asked his cell mate why the other prisoners said numbers then everybody laugh?

His cell m...

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Dude was in prison and his cell mate had leprosy

Every day his cell mate would have a part of the body fall from his body

One day, it was the ear. He picked it up and threw it away through the window

The other day, the little finger; away through the window

On the day after, the thumbs, also away through the window

On...

What do you call a prison cell with a quarter, penny, and a dime in it?

A Nicolas Cage.

What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump?

Found in your cell, unresponsive.

I looked into joining a jihadi terrorist cell....

but the membership dues cost an arm and a leg.

Tomorrow is Black Friday just be decent and civilized

By holding the cell phone horizontal when recording any fights.

The FIA will be introducing a new series of Grand Turismo races with zero emission fuel cell vehicles cleverly called Formula Zero,

or GTF0.

Three Russian prisoners sit in neighboring cells in the Gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accu...

What does Saddam Hussein and a sperm cell have in common?

One lived in Baghdad the other lives in your Dad's bag.

There was once a man named Chondria [OC]

There was once a man named Chondria in prison. Even though he was in prison, he was actually a very kind and generous man who had an accident due to his enormous strength. Because of this, he always helped his fellow inmates finish their various chores faster and better. One day, one inmate said to ...

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An antivaxxer walks into a store selling brain cells..

There were a wide variety on display

Doctor's brain -$100

Engineer's brain -$125

Normal brain - $75

Anti vaxxer's's brain- $1000

he was quite amused and asked the shop keeper.. "So how come antivaxxer's brain is worth so much?". The shopkeeper replied "because I ha...

A geneticist makes a breakthrough, enabling him to create a cross-breed of any two living organisms

He sets up his own lab and hires an intern to help him out. After explaining to the intern what the technology is capable of the intern is amazed and asks: "So you can really create a cross between ANY two living beings?"


The geneticist replies, "Yes, but I advise you to exercise cautio...

Lindsey was at the country club for his weekly round of golf.

He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... it was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition in the ICU.

...

What's the difference between Trump and a single cell organism? l.

Single cell organisms have a wall

What do your dog and your cell phone have in common?

They both have Collar ID...

A husband is late coming home one night and isn’t answering his cell phone.

His wife calls her mother, incredibly upset. “I’m afraid he’s having an affair,” she tells her mother.



“Why do you always think the worst?” her mother asks. “Maybe he just got in a car crash or something.”

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An accountant found guilty of embezzlement was thrown into a cell with a large, hairy intimidating man

The small accountant had heard stories about how he was going to become the victim in this rough prison to which he had been sentenced. He looked up at the very hairy, sweaty, cell mate and slightly trembled.

The accountant was slightly heartened when the hulking man before him asked, "So, do...

Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!

Way fewer bars!!!

On the 8th day.

And on the 8th day Adam had a bad day, and God came to him.

God said: "I know you are troubled Adam, maybe I can cheer up with some nerve cells I didn't need to create you."

Adam grumbled and yelled back to God: "You can stick them in my ass!"

Good Old Vine

At a crime scene two detectives are gathering information on a murder. After gathering evidence and clues about the crime, they head back to their station and report to their boss.

Police Cheif: So, tell me about the case.

Detective 1: The victim is a teen aged boy with a brown and blu...

4 prisoners are sitting in a cell.

They have all been imprisoned for life, so to pass the time, they tell each other jokes.

This goes well for the first few years, but eventually they have told and retold every joke they know.

Eventually they start numbering the jokes so they don't have to tell them from start to finis...

I got a new cell phone for my wife...

Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!

What do you call a blood cell running for president?

Capillary Clinton.

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A man walks into his cell to meet his new cellmate....

.. who is 6'4 and 240 pounds, a man they call 'Bubba'.

Bubba tells him "In this cell we are going to play House. Now, do you want to play the husband or the wife?".



The new fish looks up at Bubba's wide frame and large build. He takes a gulp, thinks for a moment and anxiou...

Difference between a jewler and a jailor

One sells watches
One watches cells

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An Irish peasant

An Irish peasant named Kory Andrea grew up knowing nothing but potatoes. His dad farmed potatoes, and his dad farmed potatoes, all the way back a thousand years. He had spent the entirety of his first twenty years on this Earth farming and harvesting potatoes.

One day, as if suddenly, the pot...

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American P. O. W

At the end of the cold war their was an American Prisoner Of War still being held at a Russian military camp, The Russian commander walks up to the American and says "Your in luck my American friend for the war has ended." I am a fair commander but you have killed several of my men, I will however g...

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

Whenever I'm in pain, I get around it by...

...blaming it on my nerve cells.

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An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison. When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto had eve...

Three women plan to escape from jail. One is a redhead, one is a brunette, and one is a blonde.

As the women are in their cell, the brunette suggests an escape plan. She decides that they should break out at exactly midnight, as that is when the guards change posts and are most tired.

The women escape quietly and quickly. However, a guard somehow notices them, and proceeds to shout and...

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I always wanted to know why people kept selling their sperm, now I know the answer…

It’s cause sex cells

The cell phone manufacturer Motorola has developed a new phone and is going to donate all sales proceeds to help fund the rebuilding of Notre Dame.

They’re calling it the QuasiMotorola.

A German prisoner is captured by an Allied force.

He knew that the American POW camps were safer and more comfortable, while in Russia, the prisoners were tortured every day.

As he arrives at the prison, the guard there began speaking,

"At the camp, we have enough rations for all the prisoners. We do not have any manual labor here ei...

A man goes away on business.

He e-mails his wife from the road and says he’ll be home that night because the trip wrapped up earlier than expected. When he gets home, he walks into the bedroom to find his wife in bed with another man. Without a word, the husband leaves the room and goes down to the local bar. He explains the wh...

A doctor prescribed testosterone for menopause symptoms...

..and he told his patient to call him immediately if she had any ill side effects. Two weeks later the patient called her doctor:

Patient: “Doc, I am having some weird side effects from the testosterone treatment.”

Doc: “What’s the problem?”

Patient: “ Well, I’m in the shower ri...

I am such an idiot.

I took a date to the movies the other night. When the message came up on the screen to silence our cell phones, my date looked frustrated. She stood up and started to leave.

I said, "What's wrong? You can't sit through a movie without your phone on?"

"No," she said, "I left it in the c...

A teen is caught smoking pot behind a local convenience store.

He’s arrested and put in county jail.

The arresting officer advises the young pothead that he gets one phone call from jail. The teen makes his phone call and returns to his cell.

About a half hour later a man shows up at the police station. “I assume you’re the boy’s father,” the ar...

There was a lad named John

There was a lad named John who was dealt a bad hand since he was born. He was an orphan who was brought up in a for profit orphanage, leading him to suffer mental trauma amongst other issues. After turning 16, he was kicked out of the orphanage with no support whatsoever. Not knowing what to do, he ...

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Why do prisoners never have sex?

Because they're in cells.

Glucose

Teacher: And therefore, sperm cells are made up of glucose.
Student: So you're saying that sperm has sugar in it?
Teacher: Technically. Yes.
Student: But it doesn't even taste like that...
Teacher: what?
Student: what?

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Four guys are sitting in a jail cell, a zoophile, a murderer, a necrophile and a masochist

Zoophile: I'd so fuck a kitten right now
Murderer: I'd kill it
Necrophile: I'd fuck the corpse
Masochist: Meow\~

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says “uno, dos...”

But before he can finish his sentence, a gunshot rings through the air and he falls to the floor, blood oozing out of his head. Screams are everywhere as the audience seeks cover.

His best friend Nathaniel is in the audience, but all he can do is sit there in shock and stare at the corpse of ...

What do all criminals have in their blood?

Prison cells

A muscle cell walks into a bar

Muscle cell *coughs and sneezes*
Bartender "oh my god, what did you contract?"
Muscle cell "Nah I was only Actin"

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During WW2 the allies capture a german general a Japanese general and an italian general.

They take the German general first, they take him and tie his hands behind his back. "I'm never gonna talk" he says "we'll see" says the torturers. After six hours of torture the german general confesses everything he knows. They then throw him back into the cell and take the Japanese general and ti...

The Computer Nerd and His Apprentice

So, I have a story about a wise old computing nerd and his new technological apprentice. He wanted to tell his young child some core life morals, as well as teach about old technology.

The wise man first showed the kid a polaroid camera. The kid quickly took it, and snapped a photo, but was v...

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WW2: an Italian officer, an imperial Japanese officer and a German officer got captured

They all sit in a cell and wait to be interrogated by the Allies.
The German says: "My superior genetics will let me withstand every torture! I won't tell them anything!"
The Japanese says: "I will never dishonor my country and tell them our secrets!"
The Italian says: "I guess I'm fucked."...

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Got called a homophone after leaving a bad review on a store's website.

Look, eye don't care who cells the product. If it brakes, I won't by it with my hard urned cache!

I have two brain cells.

One for each side of a pentagon.

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII...

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII. He was placed into a detention cell and soon a neatly uniformed SS officer comes to interrogate him.

“Vhere is your unit based?” asks the officer in accented English. But the soldier looks him dead in the eyes and says only “Tick t...

A scientist and the Catholic Pope were eating lunch together while discussing the latest news in scientific discovery.

Scientist: Right now, my research team is working on trying to clone insects using gene-replicating techniques.

Pope: That is very interesting! How far have you come along with it?

Scientist: We have engineered the cloning process, now we are going to execute our next phase which is ex...

How did the nucleus escape from prison?

It escaped through a "cell wall".

So the police arrested this old battery...

They said they had DNA evidence placed him at a crime scene.




They tested his cells and decided they couldn't charge him.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy ...

A two foot tall man named Shaw is sentenced to five years in prison

So naturally he’s scared. In particular, he’s scared of a large Dutch prisoner named Reedemps, who runs the cell block and gives the diminutive Shaw beatings on the regular.

Shaw makes friends with his cell mate, Joe, who is also afraid of Reedemps, Together, they hash out a plan to get reve...

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