Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

Me: *can't afford to pay medical bills* Cancer cell: Kids these days don't work hard enough

Ok tumor

What did the blood cell say before it died in an artery?

I will not die in vein!

What do you call sperm's cells race?

Survival of the fetus

Three men were sitting in a prison cell in Moscow in 1937

They discussed why they had been arrested.

"I showed up ten minutes late for work" the first man said "so they arrested me for sabotage"

"I showed up ten minutes early for work" said the second "so they arrested me for espionage"

"I showed up to work on time" said the third "so ...

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How do you know if your cell mate is gay?

His dick tastes like shit.

A convict finally escaped prison after digging a tunnel in his cell for years

He resurfaces in a kindergarten playground with children playing and no cops in sight. He could barely contain his excitement and screams, "I'm Free! I'M FREE!" A kid next to him looks at him and says, "So what? I'm four"

What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped his toes?

Mitosis

A bunch of inmates have been in the same cells for years

A newcomer is escorted to a cell by three heavily armed guards. As his eyes adjust to the darkness, he notices he has a cellmate. All of a sudden, someone shouts, "71!" Everybody in the prison starts cracking up.

The newcomer asks his cellmate why they were all laughing. He responds, "After a...

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

Pregnant

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwith of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

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A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

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Two men are sitting in a prison cell

One says

"I'm in here for 10 years, manslaughter. What about you?"

"I opened the window at my job and now I'm here for 15 years"

"What the fuck?"

"Yeah the submarine captain was PISSED"

What do cell towers do when someone puts down a beat?

They drop some bars.

A man is driving home from work when his wife calls him on his cell phone.

“Phil!” She shouts in panic, “Please be careful! I just heard that some lunatic is driving the wrong way on the highway.”

“You won’t believe it, Doris,” he replies. “It’s not just one car; it’s hundreds of them!”

What are the cow's cells made of?

Moolecules

If your Cell Phone is water damaged, try submerging it in rice overnight.

This should attract Asians, who will fix it.

Three prisoners break out of their jail cell.

There is only one prison guard, and he knows he is outnumbered. Instead of trying to take the prisoners down, he shouts “Hey! I don’t think you should do this. You should go back to your cells and wait out your sentence.“ The prisoners laugh, but the guard keeps talking. He gives them every reason w...

What do you call a cell without change

A Nicholas Cage

How do blonds brain cells die?

Alone

memes are a lot like cells

if they don't die, they become cancer

A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.

Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information.

The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information.

The English spy fared the same. After being tied an...

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Three Mexicans are in a jail cell.

One Mexican says to another "JHey Ese, what you in forrr?"

The guy replies "Dey dink I rrrobbed a place man, But dey got de wrrrong guy! JHow about you?"

"Daamn Ese that sucks! Well I got into a fight in a barrr. So dey thrrew me in jherrre."

"Oh sorrrrrry, Ese." They both look ...

What did the blood cell say to it’s depressed buddy blood cell ?

B positive .

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In the days before cell phones, a businessman wants to keep his wife "entertained" while he's away on business trips

In the days before cell phones, a businessman wants to keep his wife "entertained" while he's away on business trips. He tends to be away for a couple of weeks at a time, so he was always worried about his wife cheating on him. The man headed over to his local sex shop to see what he can find.
...

An elderly man was driving his Buick down the freeway when his cell phone rang.

Upon answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, ”Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going to wrong way on 280! Please be careful!”

Herman Replies, ”It’s not just one car, it’s hundreds of them!”

3 rednecks were working on a cell tower...

Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.'


Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do ...

The new guy is settling in his prison cell...

When all of a sudden, one of the prisoners yells:

"83!!!!"

And every prisoner starts laughing. The new guy looks at his cell mate and asks what's going on. So his cell mate explains

"Since we always tell the same jokes, we just refer to them by number to save time."

Then ...

Why can't you get cell reception in space?

Because it's 0 G

There's a new prisoner and he was assigned to a cell. On the way to his cell...

he heard one prisoner said "110" and the other prisoners laugh really hard.

Then one more prisoner said "93" and the prisoners laughs again.

When he arrived at his cell, out of curiosity he asked his cell mate why the other prisoners said numbers then everybody laugh?

His cell m...

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A masochist and a sadist are sitting in a prison cell

The masochist begs to the sadist “Please! Torture me!”

The sadist looks at the masochist and says, “No.”

How do cells multiply?

They divide.

What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump?

Found in your cell, unresponsive.

What do you call a prison cell with a quarter, penny, and a dime in it?

A Nicolas Cage.

Tomorrow is Black Friday just be decent and civilized

By holding the cell phone horizontal when recording any fights.

Two guys in a jail cell..

Two guys sitting in a jail cell alongside 3 others that had been arrested that night.

They find out one guy is a murderer, another stole a car and tried to drive to Mexico, the last guy was an African American man who kept to himself and wasn't talking.

"What's he in for?" one guy ask...

I looked into joining a jihadi terrorist cell....

but the membership dues cost an arm and a leg.

The FIA will be introducing a new series of Grand Turismo races with zero emission fuel cell vehicles cleverly called Formula Zero,

or GTF0.

Three Russian prisoners sit in neighboring cells in the Gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accu...

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Dude was in prison and his cell mate had leprosy

Every day his cell mate would have a part of the body fall from his body

One day, it was the ear. He picked it up and threw it away through the window

The other day, the little finger; away through the window

On the day after, the thumbs, also away through the window

On...

There was once a man named Chondria [OC]

There was once a man named Chondria in prison. Even though he was in prison, he was actually a very kind and generous man who had an accident due to his enormous strength. Because of this, he always helped his fellow inmates finish their various chores faster and better. One day, one inmate said to ...

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An antivaxxer walks into a store selling brain cells..

There were a wide variety on display

Doctor's brain -$100

Engineer's brain -$125

Normal brain - $75

Anti vaxxer's's brain- $1000

he was quite amused and asked the shop keeper.. "So how come antivaxxer's brain is worth so much?". The shopkeeper replied "because I ha...

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Bob was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang...

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best...

On the 8th day.

And on the 8th day Adam had a bad day, and God came to him.

God said: "I know you are troubled Adam, maybe I can cheer up with some nerve cells I didn't need to create you."

Adam grumbled and yelled back to God: "You can stick them in my ass!"

A husband is late coming home one night and isn’t answering his cell phone.

His wife calls her mother, incredibly upset. “I’m afraid he’s having an affair,” she tells her mother.



“Why do you always think the worst?” her mother asks. “Maybe he just got in a car crash or something.”

What's the difference between Trump and a single cell organism? l.

Single cell organisms have a wall

Good Old Vine

At a crime scene two detectives are gathering information on a murder. After gathering evidence and clues about the crime, they head back to their station and report to their boss.

Police Cheif: So, tell me about the case.

Detective 1: The victim is a teen aged boy with a brown and blu...

Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!

Way fewer bars!!!

4 prisoners are sitting in a cell.

They have all been imprisoned for life, so to pass the time, they tell each other jokes.

This goes well for the first few years, but eventually they have told and retold every joke they know.

Eventually they start numbering the jokes so they don't have to tell them from start to finis...

What does Saddam Hussein and a sperm cell have in common?

One lived in Baghdad the other lives in your Dad's bag.

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An accountant found guilty of embezzlement was thrown into a cell with a large, hairy intimidating man

The small accountant had heard stories about how he was going to become the victim in this rough prison to which he had been sentenced. He looked up at the very hairy, sweaty, cell mate and slightly trembled.

The accountant was slightly heartened when the hulking man before him asked, "So, do...

I got a new cell phone for my wife...

Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!

Difference between a jewler and a jailor

One sells watches
One watches cells

What do you call a blood cell running for president?

Capillary Clinton.

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A man walks into his cell to meet his new cellmate....

.. who is 6'4 and 240 pounds, a man they call 'Bubba'.

Bubba tells him "In this cell we are going to play House. Now, do you want to play the husband or the wife?".



The new fish looks up at Bubba's wide frame and large build. He takes a gulp, thinks for a moment and anxiou...

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

A man goes to prison

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera...

A muscle cell walks into a bar

Muscle cell *coughs and sneezes*
Bartender "oh my god, what did you contract?"
Muscle cell "Nah I was only Actin"

The cell phone manufacturer Motorola has developed a new phone and is going to donate all sales proceeds to help fund the rebuilding of Notre Dame.

They’re calling it the QuasiMotorola.

Red Car Day

Red car day - in Honor of my Dad

My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the ti...

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A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to Heaven and sees God.

When he gets there, God says, “I’ll tell you any secret you’ve ever wanted to know.”

The conspiracy theorist says “How did Jeffrey Epstien die?”

God says “He killed himself in his prison cell.”

The conspiracy theorist says “...shit, this goes higher than I thought”

I can’t bear it

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately...

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Irish...

Two hunters jokes

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.



“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”



The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure h...

3 men are arrested...

Three men; a Russian, a swede, and a German have been arrested, and they've all been given a 6 month sentence.



Their warden however, is friendly and grants them all a 6 month supply of anything they want.



Upon hearing this, the Russian man jumps up in joy,


...

A man goes to prison and decides to intimidate his cell mate...

‘So, you wanna know why they call me mitochondria?’

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Four guys are sitting in a jail cell, a zoophile, a murderer, a necrophile and a masochist

Zoophile: I'd so fuck a kitten right now
Murderer: I'd kill it
Necrophile: I'd fuck the corpse
Masochist: Meow\~

Sperm cell ask another how much longer to the uterus?

Uterus? We are still esophagus

Some cool facts about the names of groups!

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of nuns is called a gaggle.

A group of Catholic Priests is called a Cell Block.

TIL that the majority of car companies make cell phones,

Except for Dodge, they just make Chargers.

A man walks into a bar

The bartender says “What can I get you?”

The man says “Cheapest beer I can get.”

After many cheap beers, the man walks home, and stumbles into his house.

The man, in his drunken state, yells at his wife to get him another beer.

His wife, says that in his inebriated state,...

I have two brain cells.

One for each side of a pentagon.

Why did no one in prison want to mess with the mitochondria?

It was the powerhouse of the cells

[LONG] A Man Gets Arrested

He gets introduced to his cell mate and they talk for a bit, turns out his cell mate has been here longer than anyone. After a while, someone in their cell block shouts "14!". A couple people giggle at this. The man ignores it, assuming it's some inside joke he won't understand for a while. After so...

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It’s parade day in Russia and 3 military thieves are locked in a jail cell awaiting their punishment.

All the other males in the army are either partaking in the parade or out celebrating their national pride and getting drunk on vodka so they have cleverly entrusted their female counterparts to continue running things whilst they are gone.

A female Lieutenant asks her superior, “How are we t...

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An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

Did you hear about the anemic guy that cut all the grass on earth in a square pattern?

He mow globe in cells

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Why are most criminals virgins?

because theyre in cells

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Never hike with a homophobe

Two friends are hiking in the woods. They stop to urinate when a poisonous snake springs out of a bush and sinks its fangs into the unlucky one's manhood. He falls to the ground writhing in pain while his friend pulls out his cell phone and calls 911.

"My friend was bitten by a snake! What s...

TIL Type O blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells. It was misread as type "O".

I guess you can call it a typo.

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Why do biologists make good pornstars?

Because sex cells.

Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who’s speeding down the highway in the wrong direction.

She replied: “I know! There’s like hundreds of them!”

Snow White was texting the prince...

when a horse and carriage came out of no where and hit her. Unfortunately, she died on the spot.

The driver of the horse and carriage cried, “It wasn’t my fault. She was distracted by her cell phone!”

Within hours, the entire kingdom learned of Snow White’s death. When the prince event...

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

My brain is like a jail in the wild West

Just one cell

“So how long are you in for? ” I asked my cell mate.

“Only for a couple of minutes, then I’m usually done” he replied as he carried on thrusting.

Two blood cells fell in love

But it was all in vein

My brother-in-law died in prison because he was a mitochondriac.

He suffered from the mistaken belief that he was the powerhouse of the cell.

my cell phone

I forgot my cell phone when I went to the toilet yesterday. We have 245 tiles.

My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results...

... speak for themselves

What did the phone say to the cell tower?

Thank you for your service.

What do you call a jail cell without five cents inside?

A nickleless cage.

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I’m going to start putting chromosomes in my advertising.

Because sex cells

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In the middle of a sexual act an old lady tells her husband:

–You are like a cell phone!

The proud Old Man says:
\- Do I vibrate a lot?

\-No, when you enter the tunnel you drop the signal ...

An entire prison was facing electricity outage for a year.

The inmates were getting very frustrated at the lack of power supply in the prison. No matter what the Jailer tried he couldn't solve the issue.

One day, the jailer realised that there was a thief named Joanna who duped people of their money and who had the reputation of being very smart had ...

Brain cells fry at how many degrees?

Just 1: your college degree.

In Biology, I learned Mitochondria was the powerhouse of the cell

In Prison, I learned Bubba was the powerhouse of the cell

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A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositio...

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A man was walking across a desert with his camel

A man was walking across a desert with his camel. It had been close to 10 days since the two had left the last oasis.

In the blazing heat, the man decided to take a sip of water. But noticing that he had only a few ounces of water left, he decided to save it for later.

The blazing hea...

Which scientific technique prepares you the best for prison?

Cell culture.

Guard: Get in your cell

Prisoner: You can't make me. You don't run this cell.

Guard: *rips mask off to reveal mitochondria*
Actually, I do

Hey girl...

If the amount of blood cells you have is the same as your phone number, how much blood cells would you have?

Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?

He was afraid the ring would give him away.

Four Friends Are Out Golfing When One Of The Guys Exclaims He Has A Golf Ball That Is Impossible To Lose.

“What if you hit it in the water?” asks the first guy.
“The ball floats”
“What happens when you pound it into the deep woods?” asks player #2.
“It has a GPS and I can track it with my cell phone.”
“What about late evening golf when sunset has past?” ask the third player.
“The ba...

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Failed my biology test today.

They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?"

Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.

Why did the red blood cell misspell his name?

It was a type-o.

I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.

Now I'm Hanns free.

What's the difference between a jeweler, a jailer, and a pot of glue?

One sells watches while the other watches cells.

And the pot of glue?

Well that's where you get stuck.

What's the resemblance between a battery and Jeff Epstein?

They both die in a cell!

Why did the cell phone go see an optometrist?

It needed contacts.

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A loud drunk keeps singing in his jail cell.

A police officer yells at him to go to sleep.

"No," screeches the drunk.

Pissed off, the officer yells back, "STOP RESISTING A REST."

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All his life, Timmy wanted to be a train conductor.

He graduated top of his class in train school, and was hired by the most prestigious train company to conduct their new Super Train. This train could carry 1,000 passengers and was very expensive to manufacture.

Yet little Timmy had one fatal flaw. He has a very short attention span.

...

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