Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

A bunch of inmates have been in the same cells for years

A newcomer is escorted to a cell by three heavily armed guards. As his eyes adjust to the darkness, he notices he has a cellmate. All of a sudden, someone shouts, "71!" Everybody in the prison starts cracking up.

The newcomer asks his cellmate why they were all laughing. He responds, "After a...

Three men were sitting in a prison cell in Moscow in 1937

They discussed why they had been arrested.

"I showed up ten minutes late for work" the first man said "so they arrested me for sabotage"

"I showed up ten minutes early for work" said the second "so they arrested me for espionage"

"I showed up to work on time" said the third "so ...

How do blonds brain cells die?

Alone

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

Pregnant

What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped his toes?

Mitosis

What do you call a Swedish cell phone made by a car company?

iKia

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwith of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

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Two men are sitting in a prison cell

One says

"I'm in here for 10 years, manslaughter. What about you?"

"I opened the window at my job and now I'm here for 15 years"

"What the fuck?"

"Yeah the submarine captain was PISSED"

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A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

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In the days before cell phones, a businessman wants to keep his wife "entertained" while he's away on business trips

In the days before cell phones, a businessman wants to keep his wife "entertained" while he's away on business trips. He tends to be away for a couple of weeks at a time, so he was always worried about his wife cheating on him. The man headed over to his local sex shop to see what he can find.
...

What did the blood cell say before it died in an artery?

I will not die in vein!

Why can't you get cell reception in space?

Because it's 0 G

3 men are arrested...

Three men; a Russian, a swede, and a German have been arrested, and they've all been given a 6 month sentence.



Their warden however, is friendly and grants them all a 6 month supply of anything they want.



Upon hearing this, the Russian man jumps up in joy,


...

Two guys in a jail cell..

Two guys sitting in a jail cell alongside 3 others that had been arrested that night.

They find out one guy is a murderer, another stole a car and tried to drive to Mexico, the last guy was an African American man who kept to himself and wasn't talking.

"What's he in for?" one guy ask...

What's the difference between Jeff Epstein and a cell phone battery?

I'm not happy when my cell phone battery dies.

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Three Mexicans are in a jail cell.

One Mexican says to another "JHey Ese, what you in forrr?"

The guy replies "Dey dink I rrrobbed a place man, But dey got de wrrrong guy! JHow about you?"

"Daamn Ese that sucks! Well I got into a fight in a barrr. So dey thrrew me in jherrre."

"Oh sorrrrrry, Ese." They both look ...

An elderly man was driving his Buick down the freeway when his cell phone rang.

Upon answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, ”Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going to wrong way on 280! Please be careful!”

Herman Replies, ”It’s not just one car, it’s hundreds of them!”

What did the blood cell say to it’s depressed buddy blood cell ?

B positive .

If your Cell Phone is water damaged, try submerging it in rice overnight.

This should attract Asians, who will fix it.

What are the cow's cells made of?

Moolecules

What do you call a cell without change

A Nicholas Cage

The new guy is settling in his prison cell...

When all of a sudden, one of the prisoners yells:

"83!!!!"

And every prisoner starts laughing. The new guy looks at his cell mate and asks what's going on. So his cell mate explains

"Since we always tell the same jokes, we just refer to them by number to save time."

Then ...

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A masochist and a sadist are sitting in a prison cell

The masochist begs to the sadist “Please! Torture me!”

The sadist looks at the masochist and says, “No.”

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Dude was in prison and his cell mate had leprosy

Every day his cell mate would have a part of the body fall from his body

One day, it was the ear. He picked it up and threw it away through the window

The other day, the little finger; away through the window

On the day after, the thumbs, also away through the window

On...

There's a new prisoner and he was assigned to a cell. On the way to his cell...

he heard one prisoner said "110" and the other prisoners laugh really hard.

Then one more prisoner said "93" and the prisoners laughs again.

When he arrived at his cell, out of curiosity he asked his cell mate why the other prisoners said numbers then everybody laugh?

His cell m...

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An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

memes are a lot like cells

if they don't die, they become cancer

3 rednecks were working on a cell tower...

Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.'


Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do ...

I looked into joining a jihadi terrorist cell....

but the membership dues cost an arm and a leg.

The FIA will be introducing a new series of Grand Turismo races with zero emission fuel cell vehicles cleverly called Formula Zero,

or GTF0.

What does Saddam Hussein and a sperm cell have in common?

One lived in Baghdad the other lives in your Dad's bag.

Three Russian prisoners sit in neighboring cells in the Gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accu...

What do you call a prison cell with a quarter, penny, and a dime in it?

A Nicolas Cage.

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An accountant found guilty of embezzlement was thrown into a cell with a large, hairy intimidating man

The small accountant had heard stories about how he was going to become the victim in this rough prison to which he had been sentenced. He looked up at the very hairy, sweaty, cell mate and slightly trembled.

The accountant was slightly heartened when the hulking man before him asked, "So, do...

Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!

Way fewer bars!!!

A husband is late coming home one night and isn’t answering his cell phone.

His wife calls her mother, incredibly upset. “I’m afraid he’s having an affair,” she tells her mother.



“Why do you always think the worst?” her mother asks. “Maybe he just got in a car crash or something.”

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An antivaxxer walks into a store selling brain cells..

There were a wide variety on display

Doctor's brain -$100

Engineer's brain -$125

Normal brain - $75

Anti vaxxer's's brain- $1000

he was quite amused and asked the shop keeper.. "So how come antivaxxer's brain is worth so much?". The shopkeeper replied "because I ha...

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Bob was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang...

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best...

What's the difference between Trump and a single cell organism? l.

Single cell organisms have a wall

I got a new cell phone for my wife...

Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!

4 prisoners are sitting in a cell.

They have all been imprisoned for life, so to pass the time, they tell each other jokes.

This goes well for the first few years, but eventually they have told and retold every joke they know.

Eventually they start numbering the jokes so they don't have to tell them from start to finis...

The cell phone manufacturer Motorola has developed a new phone and is going to donate all sales proceeds to help fund the rebuilding of Notre Dame.

They’re calling it the QuasiMotorola.

What do you call a blood cell running for president?

Capillary Clinton.

A muscle cell walks into a bar

Muscle cell *coughs and sneezes*
Bartender "oh my god, what did you contract?"
Muscle cell "Nah I was only Actin"

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

"How is that ...

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Four guys are sitting in a jail cell, a zoophile, a murderer, a necrophile and a masochist

Zoophile: I'd so fuck a kitten right now
Murderer: I'd kill it
Necrophile: I'd fuck the corpse
Masochist: Meow\~

A man goes to prison and decides to intimidate his cell mate...

‘So, you wanna know why they call me mitochondria?’

Sperm cell ask another how much longer to the uterus?

Uterus? We are still esophagus

I have two brain cells.

One for each side of a pentagon.

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A man walks into his cell to meet his new cellmate....

.. who is 6'4 and 240 pounds, a man they call 'Bubba'.

Bubba tells him "In this cell we are going to play House. Now, do you want to play the husband or the wife?".



The new fish looks up at Bubba's wide frame and large build. He takes a gulp, thinks for a moment and anxiou...

TIL that the majority of car companies make cell phones,

Except for Dodge, they just make Chargers.

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It’s parade day in Russia and 3 military thieves are locked in a jail cell awaiting their punishment.

All the other males in the army are either partaking in the parade or out celebrating their national pride and getting drunk on vodka so they have cleverly entrusted their female counterparts to continue running things whilst they are gone.

A female Lieutenant asks her superior, “How are we t...

TIL Type O blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells. It was misread as type "O".

I guess you can call it a typo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Failed my biology test today...

They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?" Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.

Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who’s speeding down the highway in the wrong direction.

She replied: “I know! There’s like hundreds of them!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Irish...

Two blood cells fell in love

But it was all in vein

my cell phone

I forgot my cell phone when I went to the toilet yesterday. We have 245 tiles.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

What did the phone say to the cell tower?

Thank you for your service.

What do you call a jail cell without five cents inside?

A nickleless cage.

“So how long are you in for? ” I asked my cell mate.

“Only for a couple of minutes, then I’m usually done” he replied as he carried on thrusting.

Brain cells fry at how many degrees?

Just 1: your college degree.

If I go to jail I'm changing my name to mitochondria

That way I can become the powerhouse of the cell

Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?

He was afraid the ring would give him away.

My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results...

... speak for themselves

If im ever sent to jail, im going to rename myself Mitochondria

This is to let them know I am the powerhouse of the cell

In Biology, I learned Mitochondria was the powerhouse of the cell

In Prison, I learned Bubba was the powerhouse of the cell

I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.

Now I'm Hanns free.

Guard: Get in your cell

Prisoner: You can't make me. You don't run this cell.

Guard: *rips mask off to reveal mitochondria*
Actually, I do

Why did the red blood cell misspell his name?

It was a type-o.

Why did the cell phone go see an optometrist?

It needed contacts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A loud drunk keeps singing in his jail cell.

A police officer yells at him to go to sleep.

"No," screeches the drunk.

Pissed off, the officer yells back, "STOP RESISTING A REST."

Why did Donald Trump invite Kim Kardashian to talk about prison reform?

Because she's had more black dudes in her than a jail cell.

Two engineers are handling a prototype for a new cell phone that they worked on

First engineer: "There's no bezel and it's all made of glass, this thing is going to break so easily!"

Second engineer: "Are you saying that we should redesign this from scratch?!"

First engineer: "Well I think a good case could be made.."

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