Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?

They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.

How is a toddler like a cell phone?

If you can't find it in three days it's probably dead.

Brain cells die, skin cells die, even hair cells die.

But FAT CELLS… must have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior because they seem to have eternal life.

I was on my lunch break at the job site, and we were all complaining about how our boss still owed us for the last job. I overheard one of the old carpenters on his cell phone....

"$1000? Sure honey, if you like it so much, then buy the coat"

I thought, "how can this old guy afford a $1000 coat for his wife? We aren't even getting paid."

He continued, "The new BMW? Well, if you must have it, darling, make sure you get it fully loaded. $125,000? That's fine."...

So a KGB inspector goes to visit a Siberian prison to check on the inmates in their cells.

First he goes to the first cell and asks the inmate "why were you arrested?" The inmate replies him "My watch was always 10 minutes late and thus i was always late for work so they assumed that i was late because i was planning a coup".
He then proceeds to go to the second cell and asks the inmat...

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

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Guy gets to prison, meets his new cell mate, this jacked motherfucker, British sitting at the edge of the bed.

Cell mate: (British Accent) Listen mate it’s going to happen, so let’s get this over and done with, would you like to do it with spit or without?

Guy: (Scared) What do you mean?

Cell mate: Would you like to do it with spit or without?

Guy: Well fuck, if I have to I guess I will...

A man in the locker room of an upscale gym in NYC answers a cell phone and puts it on speaker while he dresses

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.

Woman : I also stopped b...

As a scientist, I received a lot of praise for figuring out a new method of getting drugs to enter cells more effectively and efficiently.

As a prisoner, I received another 2 years on my sentence.

What do you call a blonde with one brain cell?

Gifted.

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

Which is the deadliest cell on a spreadsheet?

AK47

Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?

It was charged with battery.

While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.

I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.

People are always worried about their cell phones or microwaves spying on them. Truth is, those are not the appliances you need to be concerned about.

It's your Vacuum Cleaner that you need to be worried about....



....it's been collecting dirt on you for years.

I was introduced to my cell mate and he said,

"You touch my stuff and I will kill you. I catch you staring at me and I will kill you. You touch me and I will kill you."

I thought to myself, "Just got here and I'm already married."

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It’s Mikes first day of prison.

He walks into his cell, and his cellmate is sitting on the edge of the bed shirtless.

“Listen, first thing you need to know is that this is going to happen. Your only choice is whether is happens with spit or without spit,” says the shirtless celly.

“Well, I don’t want this to happen ...

If your body was the size of the Atlantic ocean, your red blood cells would be the size of the Titanic

Let that sink in

Two blood cells met and fell in love...

But alas, it was all in vein.

What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?

*"Mitosis."*

A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day. The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair. They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.

They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.4 h...

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An Australian joke (but it may translate..)

ScoMo (the Australian Prime Minister, right wing, evangelical, ex marketing specialist) is visiting a remote indigenous village, surrounded by the fawning Murdoch press. He speaks to the village elder and asks him how he can make the locals lives better.

"Well," says the elder, "We've got two...

You're lost in the middle of the woods at night, alone. The sky is cloudy, there are no trails, no map, no cell phone and no GPS. No sign of a city in any direction. How do you get back to civilization?

You tell an old joke out loud, wait a couple of minutes and follow any of the angry redditors shouting "repost!" back to civilization.

How do cells communicate with each other?

Cellphones!

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*NSFW* John is sent to prison and he meets his 6’8” 320 pound cell mate

Cell mate says, “We are going to be here a long time, so you choose whether you want to be the husband or the wife?”

John is scared but he knows what to pick to make his life a little easier, “I’ll be the husband” he says confidently.

Cell mate, “ Good, now come here and suck your wife...

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4 Horny men in are in a prison cell.

A Rapist, Necro, Psycho and a Sadist .

Rapist : If there was a cat here , I'd fuck it till it gets weak.

Psycho : Once you done , I'd fuck it to death.

Necro : oh yeaah! , once it's dead , i
I'd fuck it till I die.

The Sadist in the corner very softly: meooooww (uWu)

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A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

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A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged. The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his dat...

Apprehended

A mild-mannered man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating wom...

Persons who received the COVID-19 vaccine are kindly requested to come to the nearest 5G cell tower...

...to download upgrade for the new COVID-19 variants.

People who make counterfeit batteries....

Belong in cells

Eight prisoners are sitting in a filthy cell.

The prison is dirty and all the men want clean jumpsuits to wear. Suddenly the Warden walks down and says "I had good news, all of you will get new clothes!" All the prisoners start cheering until the Warden says "You switch with you, you switch with you, you switch with you and you switch with you"

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Hearing Problems

Grandpa goes to the doctor complaining of hearing problems. The doctor looks in his ear, grabs his forceps and pulls out a suppository. A light goes on in Grandpa's mind. He picks up his cell phone and calls his wife. "Ethel? I think I know what happened to my hearing aid."

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

Three Rednecks were working on a Cell Phone pole: Cooter, Pete and KC. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife." KC says, "OK, I'm pretty g...

Two managers were complaining about how stupid their employees were.

Manager A: The other day, I told Joe, "Here's $100. Go buy a car for me." And he said ok and left. It's $100! Where are you going to find a car being sold for $100?

Manager B: That's nothing. The other day, I told Moe, "Hey, go to my house and check if I'm home." And he said ok and left. Ob...

Three men were buried under a landslide in China

Three men were buried under a landslide in China.

They're inside a car when it happened, and miraculously still have cell phone connection.

The first man made a phone call to the police:

"I'm a good citizen and husband, please come save us!"

The police tell him they will ...

What kind of cells get drafted for war?

Diploid

Q:Why don't blood cells preach the gospel? A: because you aren't supposed to take the lord's name in vein.

Q:Why don't blood cells preach the gospel? A: because you aren't supposed to take the lord's name in vein.

Two Russians meet in a prison cell...

"How long?" the first one asks.

"Fifteen years. You?"

"Ten, for politics. What're you in for?"

"For nothing."

"Liar! For nothing, you get five years!"

Why was the cell phone wearing glasses?

It lost its contacts

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I had sex every day this week.

But my cell mate is the only one who enjoyed it.

I'm teaching my white blood cells math and my red blood cells computer science

Once they become STEM cells I am hoping to regrow a finger.

His request approved, the news photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in t...

I feel sorry for the guy who lost his iPhone 13 Pro on the bus yesterday, I really do…

…but I wish he’d stop calling me on my new cell.

When you think about it, a blood cell’s life is truly futile...

After all, its whole life is lived in vein.

You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.

You just have to have cell coverage.

Doctors say Rudy Giuliani's white blood cells count was low

but he’s demanding a recount.

What did one blood cell say to another blood cell that was having a bad day?

B positive

The autopsy report came back from the inmate who hung himself in his cell

He had the Epstein-behindBarrs virus

Two cells are on a hike when one of them exclaims: “I’ve been carrying the nucleus since we left and I’m getting tired! Eukaryote!”

I think I made this one up. Apologies if it’s been done before!

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One cell looks at another and asks “why is meiosis so popular?”

The other looks back and says “Well, sex cells.”

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A couple lived near

the ocean and walked the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing, she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.


Generally, ...

A politician visits a remote village to garner some votes. He gathers a group of villagers and ask what problems they face.

One guy says crying "sir, we have not had water for months, our crops are dying, we are suffering"

On hearing this the politician takes out his phone and talks into it. "I want all the fields washed with water poured from helicopters." He puts the phone back in his pocket and asks " Ok, what...

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A guy goes to prison…

First day gets led to his cell. He sees his cell mate standing there who says “You want to be the husband or the wife?”

Guys says “uh, the husband I guess”

Cellmate “All right. Now get over here and suck your wifes dick”

Did you guys know that according to scientists, in October the mitochondria turns into the frightochondria

And becomes the haunted house of the cell

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A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence

He is told by the abbot that on the anniversary of his vow, he can speak one sentence. A year goes by and on the first anniversary, the monk says: "My bed is uncomfortable."

Another years goes by. On the anniversary, the monk tells the abbot: "The food is cold."

Yet another year goes b...

Old lady sees a news report and calls her husband's cell-phone

"Honey", she says, "You need to be careful. I just saw that there is a maniac driving the wrong way on the freeway"

Husband replies, "A maniac?! There's not just one- there are hundreds of them!!!!!"

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Two men are sitting in a prison cell

One says

"I'm in here for 10 years, manslaughter. What about you?"

"I opened the window at my job and now I'm here for 15 years"

"What the fuck?"

"Yeah the submarine captain was PISSED"

What did the blood cell say before it died in an artery?

I will not die in vein!

A man is driving home from work when his wife calls him on his cell phone.

“Phil!” She shouts in panic, “Please be careful! I just heard that some lunatic is driving the wrong way on the highway.”

“You won’t believe it, Doris,” he replies. “It’s not just one car; it’s hundreds of them!”

Hey girl are you a COVID-19 cell?

Cause' you've got the kinda curves that take my breath away.

A brother cell and sister cell are walking down the street...

The sister cell accidentally steps on the brothers toe.

The brother cell says:
"Ouch! you stepped on Mitosis!"

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When creatures were nothing but a clump of cells...

When creatures were nothing but a clump of cells a hole begins to firm that exists throughout their entire lives as their gastrointestinal tract.

Some creatures form from the mouth down.

Others the other way around.

Humans fall into the second category.

So everyone readin...

James Bond wakes up in a strange prison cell.

His head is bursting, he feels nauseous, he's been beaten up, he looks at his reflection in toilet bowl water and sees he has a black eye, and cuts on his face.

"Where am I? How did I get here? Who's taken me?", he asked himself, "I musht have been drugged, I can't recall a thing".

Foo...

Did you hear about the cells that got sent off to war after mitosis?

It’s hard to believe they got diploid.

I use my cell phone as an alarm clock.

I call it Veriz'n shine..

Two red blood cells are talking to two platelets...

One red blood cell says "I heard you two finally tied the clot!"

The other says "Coagulations!"

Why was the red blood cell banned from church today?

Because he said God's name in vein.

Uninvited Guest

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how ...

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Everyone on Cell Block "D" burst into raucous laughter when one of the inmates shouted, "Joke 872!"

Then, another inmate shouted, "Joke 74!" and everyone laughed heartily.

A new inmate turned to his cellmate and asked, "What's that all about?"

"Oh," said the cellmate, "those are references to our master joke book. Instead of telling the whole joke, you just shout out the joke's numb...

Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.

iKid you not.

Plant cells are surely Trump supporters

“We need a WALL”

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The son of a bitch

Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself...

"2+5, the son of a bitch is 7"

"3+6, the son of a bitch is 9"

His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?"

"Oh Mom. Don't disturb. I am doing my maths homework"

Mom: "Is t...

The first 5G cell phone mast in town is put up

Suddenly, all sorts of people develop medical conditions. A citizens' initiative against the mast is formed. A public hearing is organized with the mayor and representatives of the telecom company. The people bring forward all the ailments they suffer from since the mast was erected.

The tele...

What would you call a rapper named T-Cell?

A natural killer!

A convict finally escaped prison after digging a tunnel in his cell for years

He resurfaces in a kindergarten playground with children playing and no cops in sight. He could barely contain his excitement and screams, "I'm Free! I'M FREE!" A kid next to him looks at him and says, "So what? I'm four"

Two men are locked in a cell inside of an insane asylum

The first man says to the second “Hey listen, I have a plan to get us out of here.”

“Really?! Ok go on” replies the second man.

The first man says “okay well you see I’m going to take this flashlight here, turn it on, and aim it at the window over there and then you hop on the beam of ...

A 5G cell tower was built in a rural neighborhood

After the cell tower was erected, people living near the tower started reporting worrying symptoms, such as, as dizzy spells, vomiting, and insomnia.

Over the next few months, these symptoms increased in both frequency and intensity--sometimes people would completely lose consciousness and fa...

Two sperm cells

Two sperm cells are swimming together.

One asks the other: "hey, did you just fart"?

"No", the other replies.

"Then I guess the idiot came in the wrong hole."

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Monkey business

In a secret lab, a bunch if scientists are working on modified human DNA. To find out if their experiments work, they infuse monkey cells with the modified DNA. After a few years of raising 3 modified monkeys they send each of them into a different apprenticeship for one year, to see if they are abl...

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Naked Cowboy

A sheriff of a small town is patrolling the town one night when he comes across a cowboy walking up Main St. The cowboy is wearing nothing except his hat, boots, and gunbelt. The sheriff is a bit surprised at first but gets over his initial shock and arrests the cowboy for indecent exposure.

...

A worried elderly lady calls her husband on his cell phone...

"Please be careful," she tells him worriedly. "I heard on the news that there is a car going the wrong way on the highway." To which he replies, "It's not just one car, it's all of them!"

Why prisoners hate women?

Because they're in cells.

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the horse

A veterinarian walks into a bar and orders a drink. He strikes up a conversation with the guy next to him, who asks what he does. "I'm a veterinarian," the vet says. "Really?" the guy asks. "Say, I own a horse and was wondering if you could help me." He pulls out his cell phone and call up a photo o...

Just because something has 5 brain cells doesn’t mean it’s bad at everything.

Just look at goldfish, they’re natural swimmers!

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An inmate asked his cell mate what he was in for.

The man said he was in for murdering a man. He asked what he was in for.

“Honestly I shouldn’t be in here. They said it was because I had sex with a woman.”

The man raised an eyebrow and asked “did she consent?”

“Yes. She consented.”

“How old was she?”

“23.”
...

I was at a funeral service the other day and didn't have any cell service...

So, I marched down the aisle to the front and gave the priest a friendly ol' pat on the shoulder. "Hey buddy, do you by any chance know the Wi-Fi password about these parts?"

The priest, bewildered, gave me a look of disgust and hissed, "show some respect."

"All lowercase?" I asked.

What is Sauron’s favorite brand of cell phone?

Mordorola

My friend promised he would hide a key to my cell in the noodles of my final meal.

When the guard went away I looked but there was gnocchi.

Two hunters out in the woods when one of them collapses….

He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot

Back on the phone, th...

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Irish...

A bunch of inmates have been in the same cells for years

A newcomer is escorted to a cell by three heavily armed guards. As his eyes adjust to the darkness, he notices he has a cellmate. All of a sudden, someone shouts, "71!" Everybody in the prison starts cracking up.

The newcomer asks his cellmate why they were all laughing. He responds, "After a...

There's a woman in the park sells batteries.

She sells C cells by the seesaw.

What do you call sperm's cells race?

Survival of the fetus

So Two guys are sitting in a prison cell.

the small guy turns to the larger guy and asks
*"So what are you in for then?"*


*"armed bank Robbery, theft of a vehicle, and assault of an officer."*
the large guy replies, with a rather solemn look.
The smaller guy nods and says *"oh.. how long are ya in for?"*
...

What is the fastest cell phone service provider?

Sprint.

I'll see myself out.

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An antivaxxer walks into a store selling brain cells..

There were a wide variety on display

Doctor's brain -$100

Engineer's brain -$125

Normal brain - $75

Anti vaxxer's's brain- $1000

he was quite amused and asked the shop keeper.. "So how come antivaxxer's brain is worth so much?". The shopkeeper replied "because I ha...

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Science has found that honeybee venom helps kill aggressive breast cancer cells.

They've updated their name reflecting their new job to Boobees.

Nerdy cell pickup lines

- These were some of my biology notes from freshman year. I actually remembered the functions from these jokes

Are u a golgi apparatus? Cause I need help processing my feelings for u

Are we proteins in a golgi apparatus? Cause we’re being shipped

I hope you aren’t a controsome c...

Solar Panels.

Do you have solar panels on your home yet? I just had some put on. But I’m not sure if I’ll keep them.

The other day I was in my house and the computer and lights are flickering. So I did, what you would do, I went outside to check my new solar cells. I get get outside and look up at the roof...

“So how long are you in for? ” I asked my cell mate.

“Only for a couple of minutes, then I’m usually done” he replied as he carried on thrusting.

Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who’s speeding down the highway in the wrong direction.

She replied: “I know! There’s like hundreds of them!”

Did you hear that the star of Con Air was arrested and put in a jail cell filled with pennies, dimes, and quarters?

It was a nickel-less cage.

I’m not getting any cell service at this Joan Jett & the Blackhearts concert

But it’s okay; I don’t give a damn ‘bout my bad reception.

TIL Type O blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells. It was misread as type "O".

I guess you can call it a typo.

What are the cow's cells made of?

Moolecules

What do you call a jail cell for podcasters.

Squarespace.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An accountant found guilty of embezzlement was thrown into a cell with a large, hairy intimidating man

The small accountant had heard stories about how he was going to become the victim in this rough prison to which he had been sentenced. He looked up at the very hairy, sweaty, cell mate and slightly trembled.

The accountant was slightly heartened when the hulking man before him asked, "So, do...

My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results...

... speak for themselves

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What do cell phone settings and anal bleaching have in common?

Both change your ring tone.

3 little pigs

A wolf goes to the house of the first pig, which was made of straw. "Come out you pig, or I will huff and puff and blow your straw house down".

The pig stays put and the wolf starts huffing and puffing. Frightened now, the pig sneaks out the back door just as his straw house starts to blow ...

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Playing house

First day in prison, terrifying looking cell mate says to me "Do you want to be Mommy or Daddy?"

"Huh?" I say.

"MOMMY or DADDY, which do you want to be!?"

I respond with a nervous "Uh, Daddy, I guess"

"Good, now get over here and suck Mommy's cock"

At one point, a brother cell and sister cell were together as one being

They fought a lot and it was usually the sister cell who started it and the brother cell was very impatient.

One day the brother cell was very angry. He was very irritable. He was ready to take some drastic actions if anything tipped him over the edge.

The sister cell, noticing his v...

What do you call a prison cell with a quarter, penny, and a dime in it?

A Nicolas Cage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Updating a classic for modern times [long]

When the news of covid hit Tammy said "I don't need to worry, God will protect me."


Well when lock downs started Tammy said "I don't need to worry, God will protect me". And she continued to see her friends, and be rude to restaurant staff when she got take out and show up to places tha...

One day, a man was caught stealing and was arrested before being tossed in a cell.

“I want my phone call” He demanded, through the bars. Assuming this man had no family that would want to help out a thief, the prison guard laughed: “Who are you going to call?”

With the most serious face one could have, the prisoner said “I want to speak to the highest office in the land - P...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know if your cell mate is gay?

His dick tastes like shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I failed a biology test today, they had asked me what was commonly found in cells

Apparently black people was not the answer.

4 prisoners are sitting in a cell.

They have all been imprisoned for life, so to pass the time, they tell each other jokes.

This goes well for the first few years, but eventually they have told and retold every joke they know.

Eventually they start numbering the jokes so they don't have to tell them from start to finis...

My blood sometimes, for no reason at all, decides to not carry enough oxygen.

I have fickle cell anemia.

A policeman arrests a well dressed man in a suit and tie, walking down the Main Street of the city talking on his cell.

The man has a desk strapped to his back, complete with laptop, printer and filing cabinet. He has a dustbin on his head.

“Hold on councillor, I have a policeman trying to arrest me, and I haven’t got a clue why.” He turns and asks “What are the charges?”

“Impersonating an office, Sir”

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