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Cell Jokes

Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?

They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

How is a toddler like a cell phone?

If you can't find it in three days it's probably dead.
AI Image Generator

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A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

So a KGB inspector goes to visit a Siberian prison to check on the inmates in their cells.

First he goes to the first cell and asks the inmate "why were you arrested?" The inmate replies him "My watch was always 10 minutes late and thus i was always late for work so they assumed that i was late because i was planning a coup".
He then proceeds to go to the second cell and asks the inmat...

Andrew Tate says his Romanian jail is infested with lice. "Can you imagine sharing a cell with vile parasites?"

Say the lice.

What did the blood cell say before it died in an artery?

I will not die in vein!

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant (with twins)

Three men are in a Russian prison cell

The first man says, "I'm here because I criticized Yevgeny Prigozhin"

The second man says, "I'm here because I spoke in favor of Yevgeny Prigozhin"

The third man says, "I am Yevgeny Prigozhin"

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Guy gets to prison, meets his new cell mate, this jacked motherfucker, British sitting at the edge of the bed.

Cell mate: (British Accent) Listen mate it’s going to happen, so let’s get this over and done with, would you like to do it with spit or without?

Guy: (Scared) What do you mean?

Cell mate: Would you like to do it with spit or without?

Guy: Well fuck, if I have to I guess I will...

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A small man goes to prison and gets sent to his cell.

When he meets his new cellmate, he finds out it's this enormous Michael Clark Duncan looking black guy. The cellmate tells him "Hey boy, you and me? We're married now!!! So do you want to be the husband, or you want to be the wife?" The little man replies back "Oh god..... I really don't want to do ...

“So how long are you in for? ” I asked my cell mate.

“Only for a couple of minutes, then I’m usually done” he replied as he carried on thrusting.

A prisoner has been digging up a tunnel under his cell for years

One day he while he was digging he saw the light, he reached the end of tunnel and ended up in a kindergarten playground

"I'm free, I'm free!" shouted the escaped prisoner

"so what? I'm four" said one of the toddlers

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Irish...

Two women in a shared cell were in the prison for 15yrs. When they were freed...

...they spent another 2hrs talking outside.

Breaking News: Local man hit his wife with a power cell which had its top and bottom coated in electrolytes

He has been arrested for a salt-end battery.

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Two men are sitting in a prison cell

One says

"I'm in here for 10 years, manslaughter. What about you?"

"I opened the window at my job and now I'm here for 15 years"

"What the fuck?"

"Yeah the submarine captain was PISSED"

"Cell" and its derivatives (Cellular, Cellulose, Cellulite, etc.) are the only English words where the C is pronounced like an S.

At least, I'm pretty certain.

A guy goes to jail. First night after lights out he hears someone yell out, "49!", then the entire cell block bursts out laughing.

A few moments later, someone else yells out, "88!", and everyone laughs again.

The new inmate turns to his cellmate and asks, "What's with the numbers? Why is everyone laughing?"

His inmate replies, "Well, we've all been here so long we've heard every joke. Instead of telling the entir...

A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.

"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"

A CIA Agent, KGB spy and AISE operative were sent to infiltrate a terrorist cell.

The terrorists figured out the three were infiltrators and thus captured them.

The terrorists decided to torture the three infiltrators. They started with the CIA agent.

“Do not worry, for I have been trained in the United State’s most insidious enhanced interrogation techniques and h...

3 rednecks were working on a cell tower...

Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.'


Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do ...

Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who’s speeding down the highway in the wrong direction.

She replied: “I know! There’s like hundreds of them!”

Imagine if your cell phone battery was on ten percent and it lasted for eight days..

Congratulations. You understand Hanukkah.

What did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his foot?

Mitosis

How do you get Putin into a jail cell?

Tell him it's not his

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two Inmates are caught having sex and need to be separated, who leaves the cell first?

The guy on bottom. He already has his shit packed.

What do you call a person obsessed with the powerhouse of the cell?

Mitochondriac

My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results...

... speak for themselves

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All the sperm cells are getting ready for that moment when they would race down and be the first to impregnate the egg.

The day finally come, they felt vibration and began racing down the shaft. The cell in first place is so excited he could almost see the end. Then all of a sudden, he turns around, waves at everyone behind him and yells, "Turn around, turn around, it's a blowjob!"

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Two prison inmates are in their cell on the 3rd floor. One turns to the other and says he has a plan to escape.

Prisoner 1: "So once I've explained the plan, I'll detail the roles we each will have."

Prisoner 2: "Ok."

P1: "Over the next week, we trade food with as many others as possible. We need all the fiber we can get."

P2: "Ok... that's doable, but-"

P1: "Then over the next wee...

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Three guys in a cell are just starting life sentences...

The first guy pulls out a deck of cards and says, "We're going to be here a long time, so when we get bored we can play poker."

The second guy says, "Great idea. I brought a harmonica, so when we get sad I can play a song to cheer us up."

The third guy pulls out a box of tampons. "What...

My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.

The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.

TIL Type O blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells. It was misread as type "O".

I guess you can call it a typo.

Two death row inmates who hate each other can be put together in the same cell because

they’ll finish each other’s sentences.

Doc: you remind me of my cell phone

Lady: why?

Doc: Because you're about to die

Cell division eli5:

1. o

2. 0

3. 8

4. oo

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*NSFW* John is sent to prison and he meets his 6’8” 320 pound cell mate

Cell mate says, “We are going to be here a long time, so you choose whether you want to be the husband or the wife?”

John is scared but he knows what to pick to make his life a little easier, “I’ll be the husband” he says confidently.

Cell mate, “ Good, now come here and suck your wife...

People are always worried about their cell phones or microwaves spying on them. Truth is, those are not the appliances you need to be concerned about.

It's your Vacuum Cleaner that you need to be worried about....



....it's been collecting dirt on you for years.

Old lady sees a news report and calls her husband's cell-phone

"Honey", she says, "You need to be careful. I just saw that there is a maniac driving the wrong way on the freeway"

Husband replies, "A maniac?! There's not just one- there are hundreds of them!!!!!"

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An accountant found guilty of embezzlement was thrown into a cell with a large, hairy intimidating man

The small accountant had heard stories about how he was going to become the victim in this rough prison to which he had been sentenced. He looked up at the very hairy, sweaty, cell mate and slightly trembled.

The accountant was slightly heartened when the hulking man before him asked, "So, do...

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A guy gets taken to his cell on his first day of prison...

...he meets his cellmate for the first time, a huge hulk of a man, who turns to him and says, 'We're gonna play a game, a game of mommies and daddies... Do you wanna be the mommy or the daddy?'

The new convict relunctantly replies, 'I guess I'll, ...I'll be the, ...the daddy?...'

The i...

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I failed a biology test today, they had asked me what was commonly found in cells

Apparently black people was not the answer.

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A rapist, a zoophile, a pedophile, a sadist, a necrophile, a pyromaniac, and a masochist are all standing in a jail cell. .

The rapist: "I'd like to fuck something."

The zoophile: "A cat?"

The pedophile: "Even better, a kitten."

The sadist: "How about we beat the kitten up, and THEN have sex with it?"

The necrophiliac: "Alright let's beat a kitten to DEATH, and then have sex with it."

T...

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Apparently the horniest women lack the most red blood cells. Damn..

Anaemia chick like that.

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I get bitterly angry every time my cell phone dies...

My therapist suggested I need an outlet

Three men were sitting in a prison cell in Moscow in 1937

They discussed why they had been arrested.

"I showed up ten minutes late for work" the first man said "so they arrested me for sabotage"

"I showed up ten minutes early for work" said the second "so they arrested me for espionage"

"I showed up to work on time" said the third "so ...

Two blood cells met and fell in love...

But alas, it was all in vein.

A new brain cell is born in a man's skull

Scientists have long thought that the number of brain cells was fixed from childhood, but have now discovered that new brain cells can indeed appear even in adults.

So on this day, a new brain cell is born in a man's skull, and it finds itself in a gigantic dark and empty cave.

"\_ Is...

You're lost in the middle of the woods at night, alone. The sky is cloudy, there are no trails, no map, no cell phone and no GPS. No sign of a city in any direction. How do you get back to civilization?

You tell an old joke out loud, wait a couple of minutes and follow any of the angry redditors shouting "repost!" back to civilization.

Three russian prisoners are talking in their cell.

"What are you here for?"

"Last month I said that minister of defence Shoigu was a traitor! And you?"

"Last week I said that minister of defence of defence Shoigu wasn't a traitor!"

The two prisoners then turn to the third one, who was so far quietly sitting in the corner.
...

There is a Hollywood actor who only sleeps in a sterling silver cell.

It’s Nickeless Cage.

What do you call Andrew Tate in a Romanian prison?

In-cell

EDIT: I don't have time to reply to all the great comments here but THANK YOU ALL for the lols! Seriously, laughed out loud at a bunch of these, I'm rolling!

EDIT EDIT: Thanks as well to the kind Redditor who referred me to the suicide helpline over this. I'm fine, but clearly ...

While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.

I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.

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A zoophiliac, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac and a masochist are sitting together in a prison cell...

The zoophiliac looks around himself and muses:

"Damn, I wish there was a cat around here... ya know, we could... fuck the cat."

His inmates nod in agreement. The murderer then says:

"Or we could fuck it, and then kill it!"

The necrophiliac turns to the others and, grinni...

Which is the deadliest cell on a spreadsheet?

AK47

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A guy goes to prison and is shown to his cell...

... His cellmate is a huge Tongan bloke, 6"4", 300kg who takes up 2/3 of the cell on his own.

The Tongan cellmate says "My names Bubba, in Bubba's cell we play mumma and daddy. You choose who you want to be."

The guy thinking to make the best of a bad situation says "I guess I'll be da...

Recent political joke circulating in China

Three men who don’t know each other sits in a prison cell. Each explains why he was arrested.

The first man said: “I opposed covid testing.”

The second man said: “I supported covid testing.”

The third man said: “I administered the covid tests.”

I was introduced to my cell mate and he said,

"You touch my stuff and I will kill you. I catch you staring at me and I will kill you. You touch me and I will kill you."

I thought to myself, "Just got here and I'm already married."

A guy is jailed for the first time...

A guy is imprisoned for his first time


On his first night, a few minutes after lights-out, his cellmate moves closer to the cell-bars.

A while later, someone from another cell shouts "Number 13!". His cellmate and the entire block bursts into laughter. The new prisoner finds this s...

Why was the cell phone wearing glasses?

It lost its contacts

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An antivaxxer walks into a store selling brain cells..

There were a wide variety on display

Doctor's brain -$100

Engineer's brain -$125

Normal brain - $75

Anti vaxxer's's brain- $1000

he was quite amused and asked the shop keeper.. "So how come antivaxxer's brain is worth so much?". The shopkeeper replied "because I ha...

You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.

You just have to have cell coverage.

Two Russians meet in a prison cell...

"How long?" the first one asks.

"Fifteen years. You?"

"Ten, for politics. What're you in for?"

"For nothing."

"Liar! For nothing, you get five years!"

Hey girl are you a COVID-19 cell?

Cause' you've got the kinda curves that take my breath away.

I used to be two separate cells in two human bodies…

now i’m a human body in a separate cell

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What do your cell phone settings and anal bleach have in common?

They both change your ring tone!

I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love. It never got published.

It was all in vein.

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A white guy woke up in a cell with an Asian man and a black man.

None of them had any idea what was going on. All of a sudden a mysterious man appears in front of them and says, "If all of your dick lengths combined can reach exactly 1 foot, I'll let you all go. If not, I'll kill you all" All 3 men pulled down their pants and put their dicks together, the white g...

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Why was the crappy computer put in more high maintenance prison cells than the good computer

The crappy computer was harder to keep tabs on

Why should red blood cells never say 'jesus christ!'

Because you never take the lord's name in vain

As a scientist, I received a lot of praise for figuring out a new method of getting drugs to enter cells more effectively and efficiently.

As a prisoner, I received another 2 years on my sentence.

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

If your body was the size of the Atlantic ocean, your red blood cells would be the size of the Titanic

Let that sink in

Brain cells die, skin cells die, hair cells die

But fat cells must have accepted jesus as their lord savior because of their eternal life

When you think about it, a blood cell’s life is truly futile...

After all, its whole life is lived in vein.

Eight prisoners are sitting in a filthy cell.

The prison is dirty and all the men want clean jumpsuits to wear. Suddenly the Warden walks down and says "I had good news, all of you will get new clothes!" All the prisoners start cheering until the Warden says "You switch with you, you switch with you, you switch with you and you switch with you"

A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day.

The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair.They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair i...

I was at a funeral service the other day and didn't have any cell service...

So, I marched down the aisle to the front and gave the priest a friendly ol' pat on the shoulder. "Hey buddy, do you by any chance know the Wi-Fi password about these parts?"

The priest, bewildered, gave me a look of disgust and hissed, "show some respect."

"All lowercase?" I asked.

The first 5G cell phone mast in town is put up

Suddenly, all sorts of people develop medical conditions. A citizens' initiative against the mast is formed. A public hearing is organized with the mayor and representatives of the telecom company. The people bring forward all the ailments they suffer from since the mast was erected.

The tele...

A 5G cell tower was built in a rural neighborhood

After the cell tower was erected, people living near the tower started reporting worrying symptoms, such as, as dizzy spells, vomiting, and insomnia.

Over the next few months, these symptoms increased in both frequency and intensity--sometimes people would completely lose consciousness and fa...

A bunch of inmates have been in the same cells for years

A newcomer is escorted to a cell by three heavily armed guards. As his eyes adjust to the darkness, he notices he has a cellmate. All of a sudden, someone shouts, "71!" Everybody in the prison starts cracking up.

The newcomer asks his cellmate why they were all laughing. He responds, "After a...

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One cell looks at another and asks “why is meiosis so popular?”

The other looks back and says “Well, sex cells.”

Guard: Get in your cell

Prisoner: You can't make me. You don't run this cell.

Guard: *rips mask off to reveal mitochondria*
Actually, I do

His request approved, the news photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in t...

How do cells communicate with each other?

Cellphones!

My friend promised he would hide a key to my cell in the noodles of my final meal.

When the guard went away I looked but there was gnocchi.

I use my cell phone as an alarm clock.

I call it Veriz'n shine..

Two red blood cells are talking to two platelets...

One red blood cell says "I heard you two finally tied the clot!"

The other says "Coagulations!"

What did one blood cell say to another blood cell that was having a bad day?

B positive

A man gets sent to prison and is placed in a cell with two elderly inmates, Bob and Larry.

After a few weeks of listening to his cell mates talking, he learns that they've told eachothers jokes so many times that they've numbered them, Larry would say "47", and Bob would laugh hysterically, then Bob would say "89" and Larry would have a chuckle. The new cell mate, wanting to befriend his ...

What's the difference between a terrorist cell and a children's hospital?

... Don't ask me man, I just fly the drones.

4 prisoners are sitting in a cell.

They have all been imprisoned for life, so to pass the time, they tell each other jokes.

This goes well for the first few years, but eventually they have told and retold every joke they know.

Eventually they start numbering the jokes so they don't have to tell them from start to finis...

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Everyone on Cell Block "D" burst into raucous laughter when one of the inmates shouted, "Joke 872!"

Then, another inmate shouted, "Joke 74!" and everyone laughed heartily.

A new inmate turned to his cellmate and asked, "What's that all about?"

"Oh," said the cellmate, "those are references to our master joke book. Instead of telling the whole joke, you just shout out the joke's numb...

The autopsy report came back from the inmate who hung himself in his cell

He had the Epstein-behindBarrs virus

What would you call a rapper named T-Cell?

A natural killer!

Two cells are on a hike when one of them exclaims: “I’ve been carrying the nucleus since we left and I’m getting tired! Eukaryote!”

I think I made this one up. Apologies if it’s been done before!

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An inmate asked his cell mate what he was in for.

The man said he was in for murdering a man. He asked what he was in for.

“Honestly I shouldn’t be in here. They said it was because I had sex with a woman.”

The man raised an eyebrow and asked “did she consent?”

“Yes. She consented.”

“How old was she?”

“23.”
...

Two men are locked in a cell inside of an insane asylum

The first man says to the second “Hey listen, I have a plan to get us out of here.”

“Really?! Ok go on” replies the second man.

The first man says “okay well you see I’m going to take this flashlight here, turn it on, and aim it at the window over there and then you hop on the beam of ...

What is the fastest cell phone service provider?

Sprint.

I'll see myself out.

Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.

iKid you not.

James Bond wakes up in a strange prison cell.

His head is bursting, he feels nauseous, he's been beaten up, he looks at his reflection in toilet bowl water and sees he has a black eye, and cuts on his face.

"Where am I? How did I get here? Who's taken me?", he asked himself, "I musht have been drugged, I can't recall a thing".

Foo...

What kind of cells get drafted for war?

Diploid

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A Russian, a Pole and a German are sitting in a prison cell.

The Russian comes up to the German holding a candy bar and asks “You want this?”. The German is thinking “He’ll probably want to fuck me for this” and says no.


The Russian then comes up to the Pole and again asks “You want this?”. The Polish guy is thinking “He’ll probably want to fuck me...

Why was the red blood cell banned from church today?

Because he said God's name in vein.

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The son of a bitch

Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself...

"2+5, the son of a bitch is 7"

"3+6, the son of a bitch is 9"

His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?"

"Oh Mom. Don't disturb. I am doing my maths homework"

Mom: "Is t...

Doctors say Rudy Giuliani's white blood cells count was low

but he’s demanding a recount.

So Two guys are sitting in a prison cell.

the small guy turns to the larger guy and asks
*"So what are you in for then?"*


*"armed bank Robbery, theft of a vehicle, and assault of an officer."*
the large guy replies, with a rather solemn look.
The smaller guy nods and says *"oh.. how long are ya in for?"*
...

What's the difference between Trump and a single cell organism? l.

Single cell organisms have a wall

What is Sauron’s favorite brand of cell phone?

Mordorola

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Bob was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang...

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best...

Nerdy cell pickup lines

- These were some of my biology notes from freshman year. I actually remembered the functions from these jokes

Are u a golgi apparatus? Cause I need help processing my feelings for u

Are we proteins in a golgi apparatus? Cause we’re being shipped

I hope you aren’t a controsome c...

The epic journey of the sperm cell

Once upon a time, a brand new sperm cell was being instructed by an older sperm cell.

"Right," he said, "this is what's going to happen: one day you'll be having a nap and you'll hear a siren. You rush out as fast as can, make absolutely sure you swim as hard as you can, because you HAVE to b...

I’m not getting any cell service at this Joan Jett & the Blackhearts concert

But it’s okay; I don’t give a damn ‘bout my bad reception.

Two sperm cells

Two sperm cells are swimming together.

One asks the other: "hey, did you just fart"?

"No", the other replies.

"Then I guess the idiot came in the wrong hole."

Did you hear about the cells that got sent off to war after mitosis?

It’s hard to believe they got diploid.

A guy is spending his first night in prison

He hears someone in another cell shout out "37!" and the whole cell block bursts out laughing.

Another guy shouts out "74!" Same thing.

"46!" and everyone loses their minds.

He asks his cellmate "What's going on? Why are the numbers so funny?"

"Well we've all been here so...

What do you call a jail cell for podcasters.

Squarespace.

Did you hear that the star of Con Air was arrested and put in a jail cell filled with pennies, dimes, and quarters?

It was a nickel-less cage.

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There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.

The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.

They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all...

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When creatures were nothing but a clump of cells...

When creatures were nothing but a clump of cells a hole begins to firm that exists throughout their entire lives as their gastrointestinal tract.

Some creatures form from the mouth down.

Others the other way around.

Humans fall into the second category.

So everyone readin...

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How do you know if your cell mate is gay?

His dick tastes like shit.

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