An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

What do you call a prison cell with a quarter, penny, and a dime in it?

A Nicolas Cage.

3 rednecks were working on a cell tower...

Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.'


Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do ...

Three Russian prisoners sit in neighboring cells in the Gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

What do you call a blonde with a brain cell..?

Pregnant

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bob was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang...

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best...

I got a new cell phone for my wife...

Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!

A cell phone rings in a locker room, A man answers the phone...

*He puts it on speaker*

Man: "Hello!"

Woman: "Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I'm at the mall and I just saw this beautiful leather coat and it's only $2,000, can i have it?

Man: "Sure!"

Woman: "Oh, and I just stopped by at the L...

A muscle cell walks into a bar

Muscle cell *coughs and sneezes*
Bartender "oh my god, what did you contract?"
Muscle cell "Nah I was only Actin"

What's the difference between Trump and a single cell organism? l.

Single cell organisms have a wall

A husband is late coming home one night and isn’t answering his cell phone.

His wife calls her mother, incredibly upset. “I’m afraid he’s having an affair,” she tells her mother.

​

“Why do you always think the worst?” her mother asks. “Maybe he just got in a car crash or something.”

The cell phone manufacturer Motorola has developed a new phone and is going to donate all sales proceeds to help fund the rebuilding of Notre Dame.

They’re calling it the QuasiMotorola.

What do you call a blood cell running for president?

Capillary Clinton.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Four guys are sitting in a jail cell, a zoophile, a murderer, a necrophile and a masochist

Zoophile: I'd so fuck a kitten right now
Murderer: I'd kill it
Necrophile: I'd fuck the corpse
Masochist: Meow\~

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An accountant found guilty of embezzlement was thrown into a cell with a large, hairy intimidating man

The small accountant had heard stories about how he was going to become the victim in this rough prison to which he had been sentenced. He looked up at the very hairy, sweaty, cell mate and slightly trembled.

The accountant was slightly heartened when the hulking man before him asked, "So, do...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into his cell to meet his new cellmate....

.. who is 6'4 and 240 pounds, a man they call 'Bubba'.

Bubba tells him "In this cell we are going to play House. Now, do you want to play the husband or the wife?".



The new fish looks up at Bubba's wide frame and large build. He takes a gulp, thinks for a moment and anxiou...

I have two brain cells.

One for each side of a pentagon.

4 prisoners are sitting in a cell.

They have all been imprisoned for life, so to pass the time, they tell each other jokes.

This goes well for the first few years, but eventually they have told and retold every joke they know.

Eventually they start numbering the jokes so they don't have to tell them from start to finis...

A man goes to prison and decides to intimidate his cell mate...

‘So, you wanna know why they call me mitochondria?’

What do you call the guy that can beat up everyone in a jail cell?

Mitochondria.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An antivaxxer walks into a store selling brain cells..

There were a wide variety on display

Doctor's brain -$100

Engineer's brain -$125

Normal brain - $75

Anti vaxxer's's brain- $1000

he was quite amused and asked the shop keeper.. "So how come antivaxxer's brain is worth so much?". The shopkeeper replied "because I ha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It’s parade day in Russia and 3 military thieves are locked in a jail cell awaiting their punishment.

All the other males in the army are either partaking in the parade or out celebrating their national pride and getting drunk on vodka so they have cleverly entrusted their female counterparts to continue running things whilst they are gone.

A female Lieutenant asks her superior, “How are we t...

Sperm cell ask another how much longer to the uterus?

Uterus? We are still esophagus

Why do cells always fail math?

They multiply by dividing

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

"How is that ...

What did one daughter cell say to the other daughter cell when she stepped on her foot?

My toe, sis!

my cell phone

I forgot my cell phone when I went to the toilet yesterday. We have 245 tiles.

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Irish...

TIL that the majority of car companies make cell phones,

Except for Dodge, they just make Chargers.

Brain cells fry at how many degrees?

Just 1: your college degree.

Two blood cells fell in love

But it was all in vein

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

What do you call a jail cell without five cents inside?

A nickleless cage.

TIL Type O blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells. It was misread as type "O".

I guess you can call it a typo.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Failed my biology test today...

They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?" Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.

If I go to jail I'm changing my name to mitochondria

That way I can become the powerhouse of the cell

What did the phone say to the cell tower?

Thank you for your service.

In Biology, I learned Mitochondria was the powerhouse of the cell

In Prison, I learned Bubba was the powerhouse of the cell

I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.

Now I'm Hanns free.

Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who’s speeding down the highway in the wrong direction.

She replied: “I know! There’s like hundreds of them!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Scientist is giving an interview: "We found a way to kill 75% of cancer cells in mice".

Scientist is giving an interview: "We found a way to kill 75% of cancer cells in mice".

Newspaper headlines next morning: "Scientists found a cure for cancer".

Scientist read that and calls the interviewer again next day and is like "no no, I didn't mean that we can cure cancer...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A loud drunk keeps singing in his jail cell.

A police officer yells at him to go to sleep.

"No," screeches the drunk.

Pissed off, the officer yells back, "STOP RESISTING A REST."

Two engineers are handling a prototype for a new cell phone that they worked on

First engineer: "There's no bezel and it's all made of glass, this thing is going to break so easily!"

Second engineer: "Are you saying that we should redesign this from scratch?!"

First engineer: "Well I think a good case could be made.."

A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.

"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"

Why did the cell phone go see an optometrist?

It needed contacts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is sent to prison and as he enters his cell for the first time, a big burly tattooed monster of a man stares him down. As the gate closes behind him them the new cellmate gets up and says...

Cellmate: "So I just have one question for you. Do you want to be daddy or do you want to be mommy?"

The new prisoner thinks for a moment, and nervously musters up, "Uhhh... daddy?“

The cellmate smiles and tells him, "Good answer! Now, why don't you come on over here and suck mommy's d...

“So how long are you in for? ” I asked my cell mate.

“Only for a couple of minutes, then I’m usually done” he replied as he carried on thrusting.

My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results...

... speak for themselves

Guard: Get in your cell

Prisoner: You can't make me. You don't run this cell.

Guard: *rips mask off to reveal mitochondria*
Actually, I do

long. Two cops lead an unfortunate man into a padded cell

Instantly the men in white coats grab him, wrench his arms behind his back and, when he screams in pain, the psychiatrist tears down his trousers and jags him with a needle.

As they're carrying the unconcious body out the younger of the cops, shocked, says:

"Was that really necessary? ...

Why did the red blood cell misspell his name?

It was a type-o.

Why did Donald Trump invite Kim Kardashian to talk about prison reform?

Because she's had more black dudes in her than a jail cell.

If im ever sent to jail, im going to rename myself Mitochondria

This is to let them know I am the powerhouse of the cell

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two abusive orderlies are escorting a rowdy patient to a padded cell. [LONG]

"You know, not even once since you've been admitted here have you ever spent any time outside these rooms. You're a pain in the ass and it's time you learn a lesson" Says one of the orderlies.

The orderlies then begin punching and kicking the patient with no remorse, punch after punch, kick a...

Cell biologists are classy as hell.

They are men of cultures.

Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?

He was afraid the ring would give him away.

What do cell phones and babies have in common?

If you lose one, they’ll be dead in less than a week.

My last too brain cells trying to have a conversation lmao

Now there’s won.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead escape from their cells on a prison island...

... They sneak past the guards and make it to the shoreline. The mainland is a kilometre away, through dangerous waters.


The brunette, being the bravest, leaves first. She swims as hard as she can, but after only a few hundred meters she becomes exhausted and drowns.


The redhea...

Why didn’t the warden let married couples share a cell?

She was worried that they’d finish each other’s sentences

Three men are sitting in the same prison cell.

Three men are sitting in the same prison cell.

The first man asks the second: "so, why are you here?", and he replies: "I came to work 15 minutes late and now I'm accused of being an unproductive parasite in the socialist state. How about you?".

The first answers: "I arrived 15 minutes...

TIL If you stretched the DNA in one cell all the way out, it would be about 2m long, and if you did the same with all the DNA in all your cells put together

You would be dead.

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.

Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

I saw a baguette in a cell at the zoo yesterday...

It was bread in captivity.

A man is sentenced to life in prison. His first day on the cell block....

...he is sitting in his cell, when he hears another prisoner shout from down the hall: "27!".


The entire cell block bursts into laughter. A few moments later, another prisoner shouts "55!".


Again, everyone on the cell blocks laughs. This goes on for a while and finally the ne...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A white guy woke up in a cell with an Asian man and a black man.

None of them had any idea what was going on. All of a sudden a mysterious man appears in front of them and says, "If all of your dick lengths combined can reach exactly 1 foot, I'll let you all go. If not, I'll kill you all" All 3 men pulled down their pants and put their dicks together, the white g...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Russian, a Pole and a German are sitting in a prison cell.

The Russian comes up to the German holding a candy bar and asks “You want this?”. The German is thinking “He’ll probably want to fuck me for this” and says no.


The Russian then comes up to the Pole and again asks “You want this?”. The Polish guy is thinking “He’ll probably want to fuck me...

If prisoners could take their own mugshots...

They'd be called CELLFIES

I'll see myself out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy gets taken to his cell on his first day of prison...

...he meets his cellmate for the first time, a huge hulk of a man, who turns to him and says, 'We're gonna play a game, a game of mommies and daddies... Do you wanna be the mommy or the daddy?'

The new convict relunctantly replies, 'I guess I'll, ...I'll be the, ...the daddy?...'

The i...

You didn’t hear the joke about cell phones?

Probably because it had a bad reception

Why did the sperm cell cross the road?

I put on the wrong sock.

What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?

The Romans.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A German, an American and a Russian are in Prison

I love these jokes because they countries they choose always tell you something about the person telling it. In this case a Russian friend told it to me:



A German, and American and a Russian are locked up in a particularly brutal prison.



To train their guards, their j...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked my biology teacher how he makes his class so interesting

He told me: Sex cells.

Woman sitting on death row. Executioner opens her cell door and says “It’s time. What do you want to eat for your last meal?”

Woman goes, “I don’t know, what do you want?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sadist and a masochist are locked up in a jail cell

The masochist says to the sadist: "Hurt me!"

The sadist says no

Why do cellular biologists never agree with mathematicians?

For them, division and multiplication are the same thing.

Why does the cell always fail at Math?

It performs division for multiplication.

Wife is calling her husband on the cell phone

W: Honey, please drive carefully. TV news just said some crazy manic is driving on the wrong side of the highway

H: ONE??!!! THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF THEM!!!!!

Hey, girl... Are you a cell phone?

'Cause I could stare at you all day...

(I am ashamed to admit that intentionally bad pickup lines are my specialty.)

What is a priest's cell phone provider?

Virgin mobile

What'd the cold prisoner do when the female guard came to his cell?

Shiv 'er.