Cell Jokes - 102 Hilarious Cell Jokes

Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?

They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.

How is a toddler like a cell phone?

If you can't find it in three days it's probably dead.

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

How do you get Putin into a jail cell?

Tell him it's not his

Andrew Tate says his Romanian jail is infested with lice. "Can you imagine sharing a cell with vile parasites?"

Say the lice.

Three men are in a Russian prison cell

The first man says, "I'm here because I criticized Yevgeny Prigozhin"

The second man says, "I'm here because I spoke in favor of Yevgeny Prigozhin"

The third man says, "I am Yevgeny Prigozhin"

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant (with twins)

A cell phone rings in a locker room, A man answers the phone...

*He puts it on speaker*

Man: "Hello!"

Woman: "Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I'm at the mall and I just saw this beautiful leather coat and it's only $2,000, can i have it?

Man: "Sure!"

Woman: "Oh, and I just stopped by at the L...

The autopsy report came back from the inmate who hung himself in his cell

He had the Epstein-behindBarrs virus

Nerdy cell pickup lines

- These were some of my biology notes from freshman year. I actually remembered the functions from these jokes

Are u a golgi apparatus? Cause I need help processing my feelings for u

Are we proteins in a golgi apparatus? Cause we’re being shipped

I hope you aren’t a controsome c...

3 rednecks were working on a cell tower...

Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.'

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do ...

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A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

What did the blood cell say before it died in an artery?

I will not die in vein!

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Guy gets to prison, meets his new cell mate, this jacked , British sitting at the edge of the bed.

Cell mate: (British Accent) Listen mate it’s going to happen, so let’s get this over and done with, would you like to do it with spit or without?

Guy: (Scared) What do you mean?

Cell mate: Would you like to do it with spit or without?

Guy: Well , if I have to I guess I will...

What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?

*"Mitosis."*

"Cell" and its derivatives (Cellular, Cellulose, Cellulite, etc.) are the only English words where the C is pronounced like an S.

At least, I'm pretty certain.

A prisoner has been digging up a tunnel under his cell for years

One day he while he was digging he saw the light, he reached the end of tunnel and ended up in a kindergarten playground

"I'm free, I'm free!" shouted the escaped prisoner

"so what? I'm four" said one of the toddlers

Brain cells die, skin cells die, hair cells die

But fat cells must have accepted jesus as their lord savior because of their eternal life

Cell division eli5:

1. o

2. 0

3. 8

4. oo

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Two men are sitting in a prison cell

One says

"I'm in here for 10 years, manslaughter. What about you?"

"I opened the window at my job and now I'm here for 15 years"

"What the ?"

"Yeah the submarine captain was PISSED"

This must have been written before cell phones

Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Mississippi. They did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid "A". These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the ...

Two women in a shared cell were in the prison for 15yrs. When they were freed...

...they spent another 2hrs talking outside.

A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.

"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

"How is that ...

Why didn’t the warden let married couples share a cell?

She was worried that they’d finish each other’s sentences

My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results...

... speak for themselves

A CIA Agent, KGB spy and AISE operative were sent to infiltrate a terrorist cell.

The terrorists figured out the three were infiltrators and thus captured them.

The terrorists decided to torture the three infiltrators. They started with the CIA agent.

“Do not worry, for I have been trained in the United State’s most insidious enhanced interrogation techniques and h...

What do you call a person obsessed with the powerhouse of the cell?

Mitochondriac

A guy is jailed for the first time...

A guy is imprisoned for his first time

On his first night, a few minutes after lights-out, his cellmate moves closer to the cell-bars.

A while later, someone from another cell shouts "Number 13!". His cellmate and the entire block bursts into laughter. The new prisoner finds this s...

Breaking News: Local man hit his wife with a power cell which had its top and bottom coated in electrolytes

He has been arrested for a salt-end battery.

A guy goes to jail. First night after lights out he hears someone yell out, "49!", then the entire cell block bursts out laughing.

A few moments later, someone else yells out, "88!", and everyone laughs again.

The new inmate turns to his cellmate and asks, "What's with the numbers? Why is everyone laughing?"

His inmate replies, "Well, we've all been here so long we've heard every joke. Instead of telling the entir...

Recent political joke circulating in China

Three men who don’t know each other sits in a prison cell. Each explains why he was arrested.

The first man said: “I opposed covid testing.”

The second man said: “I supported covid testing.”

The third man said: “I administered the covid tests.”

So a KGB inspector goes to visit a Siberian prison to check on the inmates in their cells.

First he goes to the first cell and asks the inmate "why were you arrested?" The inmate replies him "My watch was always 10 minutes late and thus i was always late for work so they assumed that i was late because i was planning a coup".
He then proceeds to go to the second cell and asks the inmat...

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Three guys in a cell are just starting life sentences...

The first guy pulls out a deck of cards and says, "We're going to be here a long time, so when we get bored we can play poker."

The second guy says, "Great idea. I brought a harmonica, so when we get sad I can play a song to cheer us up."

The third guy pulls out a box of tampons. "What...

So my house got broken into while I was away and the monitoring company called my cell...

"Hello, this is Xfinity home security. We see your alarm is going off and we can have someone respond to it next week Thursday between 8 Am and 5 pm, will that work for you?"

Where I live, I have poor cell phone coverage. I also have to drive several miles to get decent food and shopping.

The struggle is rural.

What do you call Andrew Tate in a Romanian prison?

In-cell

EDIT: I don't have time to reply to all the great comments here but THANK YOU ALL for the lols! Seriously, laughed out loud at a bunch of these, I'm rolling!

EDIT EDIT: Thanks as well to the kind Redditor who referred me to the suicide helpline over this. I'm fine, but clearly ...

My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.

The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.

Two blood cells met and fell in love...

But alas, it was all in vein.

Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who’s speeding down the highway in the wrong direction.

She replied: “I know! There’s like hundreds of them!”

A guy is spending his first night in prison

He hears someone in another cell shout out "37!" and the whole cell block bursts out laughing.

Another guy shouts out "74!" Same thing.

"46!" and everyone loses their minds.

He asks his cellmate "What's going on? Why are the numbers so funny?"

"Well we've all been here so...

Three russian prisoners are talking in their cell.

"What are you here for?"

"Last month I said that minister of defence Shoigu was a traitor! And you?"

"Last week I said that minister of defence of defence Shoigu wasn't a traitor!"

The two prisoners then turn to the third one, who was so far quietly sitting in the corner.
...

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I get bitterly angry every time my cell phone dies...

My therapist suggested I need an outlet

Imagine if your cell phone battery was on ten percent and it lasted for eight days..

Congratulations. You understand Hanukkah.

A new brain cell is born in a man's skull

Scientists have long thought that the number of brain cells was fixed from childhood, but have now discovered that new brain cells can indeed appear even in adults.

So on this day, a new brain cell is born in a man's skull, and it finds itself in a gigantic dark and empty cave.

"\_ Is...

Hey girl are you a COVID-19 cell?

Cause' you've got the kinda curves that take my breath away.

Doc: you remind me of my cell phone

Lady: why?

Doc: Because you're about to die

Which is the deadliest cell on a spreadsheet?

AK47

What did one blood cell say to another blood cell that was having a bad day?

B positive

Why was the cell phone wearing glasses?

It lost its contacts

Old lady sees a news report and calls her husband's cell-phone

"Honey", she says, "You need to be careful. I just saw that there is a maniac driving the wrong way on the freeway"

Husband replies, "A maniac?! There's not just one- there are hundreds of them!!!!!"

Two Russians meet in a prison cell...

"How long?" the first one asks.

"Fifteen years. You?"

"Ten, for politics. What're you in for?"

"For nothing."

"Liar! For nothing, you get five years!"

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An antivaxxer walks into a store selling brain cells..

There were a wide variety on display

Doctor's brain -$100

Engineer's brain -$125

Normal brain - $75

Anti vaxxer's's brain- $1000

he was quite amused and asked the shop keeper.. "So how come antivaxxer's brain is worth so much?". The shopkeeper replied "because I ha...

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This is the worst joke I know. "A mad scientist is developing an immortality serum..."

"...and so far it works perfectly in cell culture, in worms, in mice and rats, and in racoons. Next step is testing it in dolphins. As she's reaching for the syringes for her test subjects, she notices that she's run out of serum and has to prepare a new batch. The primary ingredient is a chemi...

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Apparently the horniest women lack the most red blood cells. Damn..

Anaemia chick like that.

A French spy, a German spy and an Italian spy all get captured

All three spies are thrown into a cell. The captors later come into the cell, grab the French spy and drag him into another room. They tie his hands to a chair and torture him for two hours before he tells them everything they wanted to know

The captors throw the French spy back into his cel...

Guard: Get in your cell

Prisoner: You can't make me. You don't run this cell.

Guard: *rips mask off to reveal mitochondria*
Actually, I do

Three men were sitting in a prison cell in Moscow in 1937

They discussed why they had been arrested.

"I showed up ten minutes late for work" the first man said "so they arrested me for sabotage"

"I showed up ten minutes early for work" said the second "so they arrested me for espionage"

"I showed up to work on time" said the third "so ...

What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump?

Found in your cell, unresponsive.

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An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a . In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

There's a woman in the park sells batteries.

She sells C cells by the seesaw.

Two sperm cells

Two sperm cells are swimming together.

One asks the other: "hey, did you just fart"?

"No", the other replies.

"Then I guess the idiot came in the wrong hole."

Two death row inmates who hate each other can be put together in the same cell because

they’ll finish each other’s sentences.

Eight prisoners are sitting in a filthy cell.

The prison is dirty and all the men want clean jumpsuits to wear. Suddenly the Warden walks down and says "I had good news, all of you will get new clothes!" All the prisoners start cheering until the Warden says "You switch with you, you switch with you, you switch with you and you switch with you"

I used to be two separate cells in two human bodies…

now i’m a human body in a separate cell

Why should red blood cells never say 'jesus christ!'

Because you never take the lord's name in vain

4 prisoners are sitting in a cell.

They have all been imprisoned for life, so to pass the time, they tell each other jokes.

This goes well for the first few years, but eventually they have told and retold every joke they know.

Eventually they start numbering the jokes so they don't have to tell them from start to finis...

There's a new prisoner and he was assigned to a cell. On the way to his cell...

he heard one prisoner said "110" and the other prisoners laugh really hard.

Then one more prisoner said "93" and the prisoners laughs again.

When he arrived at his cell, out of curiosity he asked his cell mate why the other prisoners said numbers then everybody laugh?

His cell m...

How do cells communicate with each other?

Cellphones!

There is a Hollywood actor who only sleeps in a sterling silver cell.

It’s Nickeless Cage.

I was introduced to my cell mate and he said,

"You touch my stuff and I will kill you. I catch you staring at me and I will kill you. You touch me and I will kill you."

I thought to myself, "Just got here and I'm already married."

What is the fastest cell phone service provider?

Sprint.

I'll see myself out.

A 5G cell tower was built in a rural neighborhood

After the cell tower was erected, people living near the tower started reporting worrying symptoms, such as, as dizzy spells, vomiting, and insomnia.

Over the next few months, these symptoms increased in both frequency and intensity--sometimes people would completely lose consciousness and fa...

Husband and wife are shopping...

A Husband and Wife went shopping together just before Christmas. The wife quickly noticed that her husband was missing and because they had a lot to do she called him on his cell phone.
After the husband picked up the phone his wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do!"
He sa...

While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.

I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.

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What did the cell say when another cell stepped on his feet?

"Ouch! Mitosis!"

I'm so sorry you read this corny joke.

Cell Phone Loss

I forgot my cell phone when I went to the toilet yesterday. We have 245 tiles.

Cell phone in public...

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six t...

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Two prison inmates are in their cell on the 3rd floor. One turns to the other and says he has a plan to escape.

Prisoner 1: "So once I've explained the plan, I'll detail the roles we each will have."

Prisoner 2: "Ok."

P1: "Over the next week, we trade food with as many others as possible. We need all the fiber we can get."

P2: "Ok... that's doable, but-"

P1: "Then over the next wee...

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The

Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself...

"2+5, the is 7"

"3+6, the is 9"

His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?"

"Oh Mom. Don't disturb. I am doing my maths homework"

Mom: "Is t...

Two red blood cells are talking to two platelets...

One red blood cell says "I heard you two finally tied the clot!"

The other says "Coagulations!"

I use my cell phone as an alarm clock.

I call it Veriz'n shine..

You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.

You just have to have cell coverage.

The first 5G cell phone mast in town is put up

Suddenly, all sorts of people develop medical conditions. A citizens' initiative against the mast is formed. A public hearing is organized with the mayor and representatives of the telecom company. The people bring forward all the ailments they suffer from since the mast was erected.

The tele...

The epic journey of the sperm cell

Once upon a time, a brand new sperm cell was being instructed by an older sperm cell.

"Right," he said, "this is what's going to happen: one day you'll be having a nap and you'll hear a siren. You rush out as fast as can, make absolutely sure you swim as hard as you can, because you HAVE to b...

What kind of cells get drafted for war?

Diploid

What's the difference between a terrorist cell and a children's hospital?

... Don't ask me man, I just fly the drones.

Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.

iKid you not.

TIL Type O blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells. It was misread as type "O".

I guess you can call it a typo.

James Bond wakes up in a strange prison cell.

His head is bursting, he feels nauseous, he's been beaten up, he looks at his reflection in toilet bowl water and sees he has a black eye, and cuts on his face.

"Where am I? How did I get here? Who's taken me?", he asked himself, "I musht have been drugged, I can't recall a thing".

Foo...

A bunch of inmates have been in the same cells for years

A newcomer is escorted to a cell by three heavily armed guards. As his eyes adjust to the darkness, he notices he has a cellmate. All of a sudden, someone shouts, "71!" Everybody in the prison starts cracking up.

The newcomer asks his cellmate why they were all laughing. He responds, "After a...

What is Sauron’s favorite brand of cell phone?

Mordorola

What's the difference between a Benign Cancer Cell and Malignant Cancer Cell?

One of them has an existential crisis.

What do cell phones order at dinner?

Apps.

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One cell looks at another and asks “why is meiosis so popular?”

The other looks back and says “Well, cells.”

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What did the cell brother say to his cell sister when she stepped on his toe?

Mitosis

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Cell Phone

I put my phone under my pillow last night. When I woke up it was gone and there was a pound coin in it's place. Bluetooth fairy!

When you think about it, a blood cell’s life is truly futile...

After all, its whole life is lived in vein.

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Why was the crappy computer put in more high maintenance prison cells than the good computer

The crappy computer was harder to keep tabs on

Two men and a blonde woman are in death row.

Two men and a blonde woman are in death row. They’ve had their last meals and prepare for what’s coming up. The warden calls one of the men and asks: “How would you like to go? Firing squad, electric chair, or hanging?”

The man thinks hard, and finally decides on the electric chair. After he ...

Why was the red blood cell banned from church today?

Because he said God's name in vein.

What do you call a jail cell for podcasters.

Squarespace.

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