What did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his toe?

Mitosis.

Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?

They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

How is a toddler like a cell phone?

If you can't find it in three days it's probably dead.

What would you call a rapper named T-Cell?

A natural killer!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone on Cell Block "D" burst into raucous laughter when one of the inmates shouted, "Joke 872!"

Then, another inmate shouted, "Joke 74!" and everyone laughed heartily.

A new inmate turned to his cellmate and asked, "What's that all about?"

"Oh," said the cellmate, "those are references to our master joke book. Instead of telling the whole joke, you just shout out the joke's numb...

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Science has found that honeybee venom helps kill aggressive breast cancer cells.

They've updated their name reflecting their new job to Boobees.

What do you call a jail cell for podcasters.

Squarespace.

The first 5G cell phone mast in town is put up

Suddenly, all sorts of people develop medical conditions. A citizens' initiative against the mast is formed. A public hearing is organized with the mayor and representatives of the telecom company. The people bring forward all the ailments they suffer from since the mast was erected.

The tele...

Two men are locked in a cell inside of an insane asylum

The first man says to the second “Hey listen, I have a plan to get us out of here.”

“Really?! Ok go on” replies the second man.

The first man says “okay well you see I’m going to take this flashlight here, turn it on, and aim it at the window over there and then you hop on the beam of ...

Two red blood cells are talking to two platelets...

One red blood cell says "I heard you two finally tied the clot!"

The other says "Coagulations!"

One day, a man was caught stealing and was arrested before being tossed in a cell.

“I want my phone call” He demanded, through the bars. Assuming this man had no family that would want to help out a thief, the prison guard laughed: “Who are you going to call?”

With the most serious face one could have, the prisoner said “I want to speak to the highest office in the land - P...

There's a woman in the park sells batteries.

She sells C cells by the seesaw.

Old lady sees a news report and calls her husband's cell-phone

"Honey", she says, "You need to be careful. I just saw that there is a maniac driving the wrong way on the freeway"

Husband replies, "A maniac?! There's not just one- there are hundreds of them!!!!!"

A worried elderly lady calls her husband on his cell phone...

"Please be careful," she tells him worriedly. "I heard on the news that there is a car going the wrong way on the highway." To which he replies, "It's not just one car, it's all of them!"

Three guys are sitting in a jail cell...

One guy is on PCP, one guy is on LSD, and the third guy is just baked out of his mind on weed.

The guy on PCP says “I have an idea on how to escape! I can bend these bars open with my hands”

“Yeah!” Says the guy in LSD... and when we get to the wall, I can shoot laser beams out of my e...

I’m not getting any cell service at this Joan Jett & the Blackhearts concert

But it’s okay; I don’t give a damn ‘bout my bad reception.

What is Sauron’s favorite brand of cell phone?

Mordorola

Hey girl are you a COVID-19 cell?

Cause' you've got the kinda curves that take my breath away.

Did you hear that the star of Con Air was arrested and put in a jail cell filled with pennies, dimes, and quarters?

It was a nickel-less cage.

Two cell phone towers got married

The wedding was terrible but the reception was amazing.

My friend promised to hide the cell key in my final meal, a plate of pasta.

But when I looked, there was gnocchi.

A 5G cell tower was built in a rural neighborhood

After the cell tower was erected, people living near the tower started reporting worrying symptoms, such as, as dizzy spells, vomiting, and insomnia.

Over the next few months, these symptoms increased in both frequency and intensity--sometimes people would completely lose consciousness and fa...

So Two guys are sitting in a prison cell.

the small guy turns to the larger guy and asks
*"So what are you in for then?"*


*"armed bank Robbery, theft of a vehicle, and assault of an officer."*
the large guy replies, with a rather solemn look.
The smaller guy nods and says *"oh.. how long are ya in for?"*
...

Nerdy cell pickup lines

- These were some of my biology notes from freshman year. I actually remembered the functions from these jokes

Are u a golgi apparatus? Cause I need help processing my feelings for u

Are we proteins in a golgi apparatus? Cause we’re being shipped

I hope you aren’t a controsome c...

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The human sperm cell contains around 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25 ml and takes 5 seconds. Therefore the average bandwidth of the human penis is about 1687 TB/s

I know, I know that’s a lot of information to swallow.

I once went to climb Mount Everest...

... came across a local village farmer who said he had a rooster that could lay eggs.

I said, “How is that possible?”

He said, “Himalayan Rooster”


P.S I told that joke to a farm girl today and to all the other ag folk who clapped it made my day. Even if there’s only two of y...

What is the fastest cell phone service provider?

Sprint.

I'll see myself out.

What did the blood cell say before it died in an artery?

I will not die in vein!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An inmate asked his cell mate what he was in for.

The man said he was in for murdering a man. He asked what he was in for.

“Honestly I shouldn’t be in here. They said it was because I had sex with a woman.”

The man raised an eyebrow and asked “did she consent?”

“Yes. She consented.”

“How old was she?”

“23.”
...

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a Golf club.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club.

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H – Husband, W ...

At one point, a brother cell and sister cell were together as one being

They fought a lot and it was usually the sister cell who started it and the brother cell was very impatient.

One day the brother cell was very angry. He was very irritable. He was ready to take some drastic actions if anything tipped him over the edge.

The sister cell, noticing his v...

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

A convict finally escaped prison after digging a tunnel in his cell for years

He resurfaces in a kindergarten playground with children playing and no cops in sight. He could barely contain his excitement and screams, "I'm Free! I'M FREE!" A kid next to him looks at him and says, "So what? I'm four"

Elton John gets stopped by police

The officers however don’t recognise him, and Elton shows the a picture online.

Officer 1: I’m so sorry sir, we didn’t recognise you

Officer 2: yes but you were doing 55 in a 40 sir elton so, can we see your license?

The next day Elton is locked in a cell, screaming out : I did...

A policeman arrests a well dressed man in a suit and tie, walking down the Main Street of the city talking on his cell.

The man has a desk strapped to his back, complete with laptop, printer and filing cabinet. He has a dustbin on his head.

“Hold on councillor, I have a policeman trying to arrest me, and I haven’t got a clue why.” He turns and asks “What are the charges?”

“Impersonating an office, Sir”

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

A prisoner called Andrea wants to prove her strength...

So she starts a weightlifting competition and wins! Turns out the powerhouse of the cell is the might of con 'Drea.

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Two guys are out hunting, when a rattle snake bites one of them on the dick.

Two buddies are out hunting. After a long day, they sit down to have a drink and relax. They both sit down on some fallen logs. Right as they settle in, a rattlesnake comes up from under the log, and bites one of them right in the dick.

The man starts screaming and falls to the ground. His bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

I was at a funeral service the other day and didn't have any cell service...

So, I marched down the aisle to the front and gave the priest a friendly ol' pat on the shoulder. "Hey buddy, do you by any chance know the Wi-Fi password about these parts?"

The priest, bewildered, gave me a look of disgust and hissed, "show some respect."

"All lowercase?" I asked.

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Two men are sitting in a prison cell

One says

"I'm in here for 10 years, manslaughter. What about you?"

"I opened the window at my job and now I'm here for 15 years"

"What the fuck?"

"Yeah the submarine captain was PISSED"

A man is driving home from work when his wife calls him on his cell phone.

“Phil!” She shouts in panic, “Please be careful! I just heard that some lunatic is driving the wrong way on the highway.”

“You won’t believe it, Doris,” he replies. “It’s not just one car; it’s hundreds of them!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do cell phone settings and anal bleaching have in common?

Both change your ring tone.

A man is sent to jail and meets his cell mate...

The cell mate asks him what's he in for and the man replies "grand theft auto." The cell mate chuckles and then yells "twenty seven!!"

All the other prisoners in their other cells all laugh. The man asks what just happened here. The cell mate tells him, "we all just tell the same jokes over a...

So We were learning about cell division in biology class today.

I ended up stubbing my toe somehow and i had to go home because it hurt so bad.
When my sister asked what hurt, i said “mitosis.”

Three men were sitting in a prison cell in Moscow in 1937

They discussed why they had been arrested.

"I showed up ten minutes late for work" the first man said "so they arrested me for sabotage"

"I showed up ten minutes early for work" said the second "so they arrested me for espionage"

"I showed up to work on time" said the third "so ...

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A Western Omelet

A retired man walks into his favorite diner after it just reopened from a long COVID-19 shuttering, eager to resume his daily routine of breakfast, coffee and reading the newspaper. A new waitress approaches greets him and explains that new contactless policy that eliminates the old plastic laminate...

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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The S’wan (long)

A burly sailor gets brought into an infirmary staffed by a bunch of postulate nuns, girls barely 18 preparing to become full nuns, and of course, run by a few gruff sisters.

Being good Catholics in a small Newfoundland seaside town, such oddities rarely found their way to their front door. T...

A bunch of inmates have been in the same cells for years

A newcomer is escorted to a cell by three heavily armed guards. As his eyes adjust to the darkness, he notices he has a cellmate. All of a sudden, someone shouts, "71!" Everybody in the prison starts cracking up.

The newcomer asks his cellmate why they were all laughing. He responds, "After a...

What do you call sperm's cells race?

Survival of the fetus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An auntie kimber classic. I was 5 when I heard this lol

There was a young man Fredrick in the last course of his psychology major. His final exam was to assess the mental conditions of 3 patients down in the deepest depth of the mental ward. It was 1966.
With his clipboard in hand, he walks down the dim lit hallway and gets to a giant metal door. The ...

What do cell phones order at dinner?

Apps.

The Exam

Three Highschool Sr's decided to blow off their final exam for their logic class, and spend the day getting wasted.

When they returned to class the next day they explained to the professor that they were unable to get to class the day before due to a flat tire and no cell phone coverage in th...

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A man goes to prison...

He's led to his cell, enters the door which is then locked behind him. A big bruiser of man sits on his bed with a menacing grin on his face.
"In this cell we play a game called Mummies and Daddies... Do you want to be Mummy or Daddy?" asks the big guy.
"I'll be Daddy" replies the newby.
"O...

How do blonds brain cells die?

Alone

Hunting gone wrong

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
...

3 rednecks were working on a cell tower...

Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.'


Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do ...

What are the cow's cells made of?

Moolecules

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know if your cell mate is gay?

His dick tastes like shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heard this a few times in Russian, not sure if it’s known elsewhere

A man is given a prison sentence

His first day was relatively fine, without anything unusual. In the evening, after lights out, he hears someone yell “Ninety-five!”, followed by a bunch of chuckles from other cells. Then he hears someone else scream “Twenty!”, everyone laughs louder and a di...

A man gets sentenced to life in prison

On his first night there, his cell mate tells him there's a stand up comedy event.

They are sitting watching, and an inmate gets up and stands on the stage

"15", he calls out. The whole audience starts laughing.
"23", he continues. Hysterical laughter everywhere.

The man...

What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his foot?

Mitosis!

Sorry if it’s been posted before but my little cousin just told me this and I died laughing

Why can't prisoners get laid?

Because they're in cells.

Google knows!

Subject: Today's Reality


CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?


GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.


CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.


GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.


CALLER: OK. I would like to order a ...

A man and his wife plan a trip to the South.

Sadly, because of work, the wife has to leave one day after the husband. This was before cell phones, so he had to borrow a computer to send her an email. However, he makes a small spelling mistake in the email address and the email is sent to someone else. That someone was the wife of a priest who ...

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”

“We have no cellphone reception ...

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?

All the women raised their hands.


Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love y...

This happened many years ago when Blackberry phones were still popular

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep yo...

Three prisoners break out of their jail cell.

There is only one prison guard, and he knows he is outnumbered. Instead of trying to take the prisoners down, he shouts “Hey! I don’t think you should do this. You should go back to your cells and wait out your sentence.“ The prisoners laugh, but the guard keeps talking. He gives them every reason w...

If your Cell Phone is water damaged, try submerging it in rice overnight.

This should attract Asians, who will fix it.

English man irish man and a scotsman

Was all in court and the judge said we find you guilty and we will give you parole in 10 years, but until then i can grant you one thing that you can have in your cell that will be restocked every day until then.

The scots man said, BEER i want lots of beer to help me sleep at night to help w...

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In the days before cell phones, a businessman wants to keep his wife "entertained" while he's away on business trips

In the days before cell phones, a businessman wants to keep his wife "entertained" while he's away on business trips. He tends to be away for a couple of weeks at a time, so he was always worried about his wife cheating on him. The man headed over to his local sex shop to see what he can find.
...

A local electrician was arrested and charged for battery, yesterday.

And spent the night in a dry cell.

An old man is traveling to a far off land, but is arrested in a city named Runnia along the way.

The townspeople of Runnia are convinced that he was the murderer of Barth F. Bradley, the local butcher. Though there is not much evidence of the claim, a witness claims he saw the old man leave Bradley's shop on the night of the murder. The townspeople, who were always suspicious of strangers, cons...

This joke was originally written in Klingon; I hope I've got the translation right...

A new prisoner named Andy arrived at the prison. Andy had never been in prison before, so everything was new and strange.

Before long he met Bob, who sort of showed him around, introduced him to a few other prisoners, and helped him start to learn the ropes.

That evening, when t...

The new guy is settling in his prison cell...

When all of a sudden, one of the prisoners yells:

"83!!!!"

And every prisoner starts laughing. The new guy looks at his cell mate and asks what's going on. So his cell mate explains

"Since we always tell the same jokes, we just refer to them by number to save time."

Then ...

Why can't you get cell reception in space?

Because it's 0 G

What did the blood cell say to it’s depressed buddy blood cell ?

B positive .

What do you call a prison cell with a quarter, penny, and a dime in it?

A Nicolas Cage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Mexicans are in a jail cell.

One Mexican says to another "JHey Ese, what you in forrr?"

The guy replies "Dey dink I rrrobbed a place man, But dey got de wrrrong guy! JHow about you?"

"Daamn Ese that sucks! Well I got into a fight in a barrr. So dey thrrew me in jherrre."

"Oh sorrrrrry, Ese." They both look ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An accountant found guilty of embezzlement was thrown into a cell with a large, hairy intimidating man

The small accountant had heard stories about how he was going to become the victim in this rough prison to which he had been sentenced. He looked up at the very hairy, sweaty, cell mate and slightly trembled.

The accountant was slightly heartened when the hulking man before him asked, "So, do...

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Irish...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An antivaxxer walks into a store selling brain cells..

There were a wide variety on display

Doctor's brain -$100

Engineer's brain -$125

Normal brain - $75

Anti vaxxer's's brain- $1000

he was quite amused and asked the shop keeper.. "So how come antivaxxer's brain is worth so much?". The shopkeeper replied "because I ha...

There's a new prisoner and he was assigned to a cell. On the way to his cell...

he heard one prisoner said "110" and the other prisoners laugh really hard.

Then one more prisoner said "93" and the prisoners laughs again.

When he arrived at his cell, out of curiosity he asked his cell mate why the other prisoners said numbers then everybody laugh?

His cell m...

An elderly man was driving his Buick down the freeway when his cell phone rang.

Upon answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, ”Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going to wrong way on 280! Please be careful!”

Herman Replies, ”It’s not just one car, it’s hundreds of them!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A masochist and a sadist are sitting in a prison cell

The masochist begs to the sadist “Please! Torture me!”

The sadist looks at the masochist and says, “No.”

Three Russian prisoners sit in neighboring cells in the Gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accu...

What's the difference between Trump and a single cell organism? l.

Single cell organisms have a wall

4 prisoners are sitting in a cell.

They have all been imprisoned for life, so to pass the time, they tell each other jokes.

This goes well for the first few years, but eventually they have told and retold every joke they know.

Eventually they start numbering the jokes so they don't have to tell them from start to finis...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mental hospital

A nurse at a mental hospital checks in a room to find patient Bob pretending to drive a car.

- Bob, what are you doing?
Asked the nurse curiously.

- I'm on a road trip to Canada.
Bob replied.

The nurse wishes him a pleasant journey and proceeds to patient Gary's cell to ...

memes are a lot like cells

if they don't die, they become cancer

Two guys in a jail cell..

Two guys sitting in a jail cell alongside 3 others that had been arrested that night.

They find out one guy is a murderer, another stole a car and tried to drive to Mexico, the last guy was an African American man who kept to himself and wasn't talking.

"What's he in for?" one guy ask...

A middle school band director named Joe is having trouble instructing his students to play their instruments.

One girl is being extremely difficult and cannot play the flute to save her life. Finally he walks over to her and hits her in the head with her flute, killing her. She dies instantly and he is sentenced to death by electrocution. The warden asks what he would like his last meal to be. Joe says "I'd...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dude was in prison and his cell mate had leprosy

Every day his cell mate would have a part of the body fall from his body

One day, it was the ear. He picked it up and threw it away through the window

The other day, the little finger; away through the window

On the day after, the thumbs, also away through the window

On...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe, Bob, and Mike are painters working on a house..

Mike says "I'm going to have a smoke break, I'll be back in a few".

A while later Bob noticed that Mike hasn't come back yet. They wait a bit longer, but still no Mike. They try calling his cell phone, but there's no answer.

The next day he's still a no show. They decide to ...

“So how long are you in for? ” I asked my cell mate.

“Only for a couple of minutes, then I’m usually done” he replied as he carried on thrusting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang...

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best...

TIL Type O blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells. It was misread as type "O".

I guess you can call it a typo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Government

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,...

It was very easy to escape from prison.

The WiFi was so bad that there were zero bars on my cell.

Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who’s speeding down the highway in the wrong direction.

She replied: “I know! There’s like hundreds of them!”

A man is sent to prison for the first time.

The first night there, after the lights in the cell block are turned off, he immediately sees his cellmate going over to the bars and yelling, "twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks o...

What do you call an infrequent prokaryote who's into BDSM?

Cell dom.

With all the daily reposts, I might as well tell this joke.

A new convict named Bob was taken in today and the guards were ushering him to his cell.

As they were walking, an inmate shouted "Number 16". And everyone laughed.

When they reached his cell, another inmate shouted "Number 35". And everyone laughed again.

Bob had a cell mate and...

My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results...

... speak for themselves

I looked into joining a jihadi terrorist cell....

but the membership dues cost an arm and a leg.

A husband is late coming home one night and isn’t answering his cell phone.

His wife calls her mother, incredibly upset. “I’m afraid he’s having an affair,” she tells her mother.



“Why do you always think the worst?” her mother asks. “Maybe he just got in a car crash or something.”

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