Carbon and Helium were having a conversation.

Carbon: “ And then I said, Barium!”

Osmium walks into the room.

“What’s so funny guys?”

Carbon whispers to Helium: “Don’t tell him. He’s too dense to get it.”

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm

Its loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel dizzy and sick.

in another world, there's a guy that was made out of carbon, helium, and fluorine. do you know what he is?

he's a CHeF......

The carbon dioxide levels in our atmosphere are now higher than they’ve ever been, but there are ways that we can reduce that number by half.

Divide it by 2.

Damn, are you gold, titanium, sulfur, titanium, carbon?

Because you look AU TI S TI C

What do you call an iron/carbon alloy that never gets embarrassed?

Shameless steel

I’ve been experimenting with iron, carbon, and aluminum to make a better toilet. I’m going to write a whitepaper on my results.

It’s titled “The FeCAl Matter.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Most creatures on earth are carbon based, but you might be made of Einsteinium

You dense motherfucker.

Some people are into carbon dating.

It's not for me. I dated carbon once, turns out they made everything up.

How long does a carbon monoxide intoxication last?

Longer than you think.

Have you heard about that new app, “Cinder?”

It’s great for carbon dating!


:-)

(I just thought of this joke while walking to my car. I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m not the first to come up with it. Apologies, if it’s been made before.)

(In case it isn’t obvious, it’s a play on the *dating* app, “Tinder.”)

The carbon monoxide detector is really annoying.

But hey, at least the kids are quiet.

I wish I knew how to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm....

It's been going off for about fifteen minutes and the noise is making really dizzy and lightheaded.

Why do all of the carbon atoms in benzene get along so well?

They learned to just let pi bonds be pi bonds.

I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

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A coworker made a joke about carbon monoxide poisoning…

I told him it was tasteless

What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon?

A mole

Why did the carbon boy turn into diamond?

Peer pressure at school

What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel

Hey, did you hear that Carbon and Oxygen broke up?

Yeah, it turns out their relationship was actually pretty toxic. Personally, I never saw it.

Are you made of Gold, Titanium, Sulfur, and Carbon?

Because you are Au.Ti.S.Ti.C

My carbon monoxide alarm went off in the middle of the night

It gave me a really bad headache, so I had to turn it off.

I just got an all-organic carbon capture plant for my house.

I just call it "a plant" for short.

I changed all my light switches to carbon fiber ones

They make the rooms lighter

What the difference between carbon and my ex?

She could form more than 4 bonds at the same time.

Hydrogen and Carbon walk into a bar

Hydrogen: Hey I was thinking about starting a business about electrons and wanted to ask if you wanted to be a partner

Carbon: Sure! I’ve got nothing to lose!

When the carbon tax comes into effect, fragrance manufacturers will be upset..

..they will be paying per fume.

What did carbon yell at gold while trying to get his attention?

A! U!!!

If it doesn't make sense tell it so someone out loud. Pretty sure this is my first original joke :)

I saw a burglar on the CCTV of my elements shop. He was taking gold, iodine, carbon, uranium, platinum, and three bottles of nitric oxide. I said over the tannoy....

'Au, I C U! NO NO NO!'


I didn't mention the Fifth Element because it was so overpriced and overhyped.

I want my favorite bar to change its name to Carbon

So when I go there, I'll be in my element.

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon.I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony o...

Wow, carbon dating has improved in recent years!

A museum visitor was admiring a Tyrannosaurus fossil, and asked a nearby museum employee how old it was. "That skeleton's sixty-five million and three years, two months and eighteen days old," the employee replied.

"How can you know it that well?" she asked.

"Well, when I started wor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In China, archaeologists recently discovered the oldest known statue of a penis...

...carbon dating estimates it came from the Dong Dynasty.

Are you a Carbon sample?

Because I want to *date* you.

There once was a young engineer, who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place.

He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, and friends came for the quiet and fishing.

The engineer, however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He...

Antivaxxers are eco friendly!

They dramatically reduce their children's carbon footprint!

What's the dating scene like at MIT?

Carbon-14 is the most common method, I believe.

Yo Momma is so old

Yo Momma is so old, that instead of using online dating, yo dad used carbon dating in order to find her.

Biochemistry joke- I once went carbon dating...

I was arrested because carbon was only 14

Have you heard about the new dating site for elderly people?

They call it Carbon-14.

Me and my new girlfriend are both scientists, archaeologists to be exact...

.. we're carbon, dating.

What do you call it when an organic lifeform goes out with another organic lifeform?

Carbon dating.

I refused to walk across hot coals because I'm an environmentalist.

I didn't want to have a large carbon footprint.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This should be a standard response to chemistry jokes

Flourine Uranium Carbon Potassium

Yttrium Oxygen Uranium

Arsenic Sulphur Tungsten Iodine Phosphorus Einsteinium

:)

Don't you hate it when you're trying to have a nap and there's an alarm blaring in the background?

I just had to smash my carbon monoxide alarm to bits, it was giving me a bloody headache.

Paedophiles should be allowed to live near schools...

It reduces their carbon footprint

The Compost Heap

I was raised in a fairly hippy-ish town. The kind of place that was always looking to do something ecologically friendly in the days before the internet made it easy to share tips and tricks on how to cut down your carbon footprint.

One of the things they did was expand the recycling collect...

What is the relationship between an old fossil and a paleontologist called?

Carbon Dating

What did the student say after learning all the symbols on the periodic table?

“Fluorine-Uranium-Carbon-Potassium this! Never again!”

Why did the archaeologist’s wife divorce him?

He was carbon-dating behind her back

People make fun of anti-vaxx people but you gotta admit

They do reduce carbon emissions

I'm making an app like Tinder, but exclusively for paleontologists

I'm calling it "Carbon Dating"

1 My kid’s made up Star Wars joke: What does Darth Vader exhale?

Carbon Darkside

I finally found an app for my senior love life!!

It's called Carbon Dating <3

How does a necrophiliac date a girl?

He uses the carbon-14 method.

I tried to ask Google for some good chemistry jokes.

But it just kept returning "Fluorine Uranium Carbon Potassium Oxygen Fluorine Fluorine."

This is a little science joke my friend told me.

A 99kg man asks his friend “if I eat 1kg of nachos, does that make me 1%nacho.?” The friend replied to that
“Well the human body is made up of sodium, oxygen, carbon and hydrogen. So that practically makes us 100% NaCHO”

What did....

What did iodine-131 say to carbon-14?





I'm already tracer

Why were Jim and Martha figuring out how old the fossil was, on their first date?

Because they were Carbon Dating.

What is satan's favourite chemical?

Carbon. because it has 6 protons 6 neutrons and 6 electrons

Oxygen tried to pick a fight with Helium

Helium didn't react at all, he simply rose above, Carbon was watching the whole thing and said, "That's very noble of you"

Why can't creationists ever get girls in rock bands?

They aren't very good at carbon dating.

My dad died in front of me

Before he died, he scribbled me a note. They were his last words. I decided not to open it till I was ready. A year later, I opened it and this is what is said, "You are stepping on my oxygen line".

Edit: Holy macaroni with a side of O2, thank you so much for 190 votes!!!

Edit 2: My, m...

Yo mama so fat...

her carbon footprint turned to diamond.

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...

I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors...

Did you hear they discovered a soda cavemen drank?

It's a carbon dated beverage...

Good jokes are good

I came up with a science joke...

Why are people with diamond shoes so bad for the environment?

They have a big carbon footprint...

Why did the archaeologist ask a diamond out to dinner?

Because of his enthusiasm for Carbon-Dating.

What do you call a match-making service for realy old people?

"Carbon-Dating"

Did you hear about the guy who has an affinity for burn victims?

I guess you could say he's into carbon dating

What's Harvey Price's favourite gas?

Carbon Mongoxide

What chemical compound prevails over constant negative press?

Carbon monoxide vanadium di-iron

Why did the climate scientist cross the road?

To analyze the chicken´s carbon footprint.

What do you call two diamonds in a healthy relationship?

Carbon dating

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently some people on Tumblr say they're sexually attracted to elements on the periodic table.

That's not really my thing ... except for that time in college when I experimented with carbon dating.

Some (eye-rolling) Chemistry Pick-up Lines for the Valentine's season

* Are you made of Carbon? Because it feels like my world revolves around you.
* You're my Lithium.
* Are you an anion? Because I'm positive we're meant to be together.
* My heart is made of Gallium. It melts when you're close to me.
* Are you Fluorine? Because i can't seem to get myself ...

You know you're getting old when you go to a new doctor...

...and part of the new patient exam is carbon dating.

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