Carbon and Helium were having a conversation.

Carbon: “ And then I said, Barium!”

Osmium walks into the room.

“What’s so funny guys?”

Carbon whispers to Helium: “Don’t tell him. He’s too dense to get it.”

In college, I plan to study Food Science, specializing in carbonated beverages.

My dad always wanted me to become a fizzicist.

I had to disable the Carbon Monoxide detector in my house

the constant beeping made me feel sick, dizzy, and gave me a headache.

I don't get why some people only drink carbonated water.

The alternative is still water.

This sub really likes to watch its carbon footprint

I know because it keeps on recycling the same jokes

I had to quit my job at the Coca-Cola carbonation factory.

It was just soda pressing.

The carbon monoxide detector is getting really annoying

But hey, at least the kids are quiet

My mom loves me so much she thinks I'm made of Gold, Titanium, Sulfur, and carbon.

She's always calling me Au Ti S Ti C.

Two guys walk into a bar and both ask for carbon dioxide. One dies. Why?

The first says, "I'll have CO!" The second one says, "I'll have CO, too!"

What do you call an iron/carbon alloy that never gets embarrassed?

Shameless steel

What the difference between carbon and my ex?

She could form more than 4 bonds at the same time.

I would have made a joke about carbon dating...

...but it would have gotten old very quickly.

Why were oxygen, hydrogen and carbon wearing suites and ties?

Because they are formyl group.

My carbon monoxide detector won’t stop beeping.

It’s giving me a headache, and dizziness, and nausea.

I told a joke about carbon monoxide poisoning to my family.

They said it was very tasteless.

I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.

Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.

Hey, did you hear that Carbon and Oxygen broke up?

Yeah, it turns out their relationship was actually pretty toxic. Personally, I never saw it.

Are you made of gold, 2 titanium sulfur and carbon?

Because you’re autistic

She went missing !

Husband: My wife is missing. She went mountain biking yesterday and has not come home!

Officer: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 25 and 35. We don't do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weig...

What do you call an organic compound in which a hydroxyl is bound to a carbon atom of an alkyl??

See? Sometimes alcohol IS the answer!!

My 2020 New Year's resolution was to reduce my carbon footprint.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Why Do Most Diamonds Look So Similar?

They're all just carbon copies of each other.

I don't have a carbon footprint.

I always drive everywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My environmentalist ass named one of my twins Carbon

The other one was Copy.

A new carbonated beverage mimics the sounds of a human voice when you pour it out of the bottle.

or out of the can, soda speak.

What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon?

A mole

in another world, there's a guy that was made out of carbon, helium, and fluorine. do you know what he is?

he's a CHeF......

Some people are into carbon dating.

It's not for me. I dated carbon once, turns out they made everything up.

Electricians of Reddit. How do you turn off the carbon monoxide detector?

The loud beeping is making me feel dizzy and nauseous.

Do the right thing, reduce your carbon footprint...

Think of the world we'll be leaving behind for Willie Nelson and Keith Richards.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are you composed of barium, silicon, carbon, bismuth, technetium and hydrogen?

Because you're a BaSiC BiTcH!

A woman answered her front doo

A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.
"Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging...

I’ve been experimenting with iron, carbon, and aluminum to make a better toilet. I’m going to write a whitepaper on my results.

It’s titled “The FeCAl Matter.”

I wish I knew how to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm....

It's been going off for about fifteen minutes and the noise is making really dizzy and lightheaded.

I saw a burglar on the CCTV of my elements shop. He was taking gold, iodine, carbon, uranium, platinum, and three bottles of nitric oxide. I said over the tannoy....

'Au, I C U! NO NO NO!'


I didn't mention the Fifth Element because it was so overpriced and overhyped.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In China, archaeologists recently discovered the oldest known statue of a penis...

...carbon dating estimates it came from the Dong Dynasty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a necrophiliac date his sexual partners?

Carbon-14.

Hydrogen and Carbon walk into a bar

Hydrogen: Hey I was thinking about starting a business about electrons and wanted to ask if you wanted to be a partner

Carbon: Sure! I’ve got nothing to lose!

What did carbon yell at gold while trying to get his attention?

A! U!!!

If it doesn't make sense tell it so someone out loud. Pretty sure this is my first original joke :)

I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

[FRONT PAGE!](https://media2.giphy.com/media/FGmbEOTVWQHzW/200_s.gif)

How long does a carbon monoxide intoxication last?

Longer than you think.

What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel

Why do all of the carbon atoms in benzene get along so well?

They learned to just let pi bonds be pi bonds.

I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice...

He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.

When the carbon tax comes into effect, fragrance manufacturers will be upset..

..they will be paying per fume.

Are you a Carbon sample?

Because I want to *date* you.

The carbon dioxide levels in our atmosphere are now higher than they’ve ever been, but there are ways that we can reduce that number by half.

Divide it by 2.

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony ...

In 1988 Enzo Anselmo Ferrari, after living a full life, died.

When he got to heaven God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a small Ferrari flag in the window. "This house is yurs for eternity, Enzo," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."
Enzo felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his...

Wow, carbon dating has improved in recent years!

A museum visitor was admiring a Tyrannosaurus fossil, and asked a nearby museum employee how old it was. "That skeleton's sixty-five million and three years, two months and eighteen days old," the employee replied.

"How can you know it that well?" she asked.

"Well, when I started wor...

A chemist wants to open up a coffee shop

When the FDA comes to check his facility, they ask about his coffee recipe. He says, "I'm not like these other coffee shops. My coffee is made using pure science!

One part carbon monoxide and 2 parts iron."

I want my favorite bar to change its name to Carbon

So when I go there, I'll be in my element.

Twas the night before Christmas

When all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.


Really should have bought a carbon monoxide detector

Biochemistry joke- I once went carbon dating...

I was arrested because carbon was only 14

My carbon monoxide alarm went off in the middle of the night

It gave me a really bad headache, so I had to turn it off.

My chemistry teacher wrote me a heartfelt chemistry poem:

Fluorine, Uranium, Carbon, Potassium, Yttrium, Oxygen, Uranium.

I took the batterys out of my carbon monoxide detector.

It was beeping the whole week, and my roof told me to.

Where would you go if you want a tiny carbonated beverage?

To Minnesooota!

How did the two archaeologists fall in love

Carbon dating.

Why are carbon chains with two double bonds so sad?

Because they're diene

How did the diamond find a girlfriend?

Carbon dating.

Why does carbon monoxide smell like

fjbsjko

What are elderly people most deficient in?

Carbon 14

yo mama is so old..

her profile is on carbon dating apps

Potassium and Oxygen hooked up

It would have been OK, if Potassium hadn't come first.

Bonus: Oxygen, Hydrogen, and Carbon always wear their best suits when they get together. They're a formyl group.

(real news) Select Starbucks stores have been offering customers the option of adding carbonation to their drinks.

In response, Dunkin' Donuts is offering customers the option of having an employee make motorboat noises into their coffee.

What do you call it when an organic lifeform goes out with another organic lifeform?

Carbon dating.

I made a web site for older people to hook up.

It's called Carbon Dating.

I was going to post a chemistry joke...

But i Carbon Barium.

1 My kid’s made up Star Wars joke: What does Darth Vader exhale?

Carbon Darkside

The power of Pepsi

So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This should be a standard response to chemistry jokes

Flourine Uranium Carbon Potassium

Yttrium Oxygen Uranium

Arsenic Sulphur Tungsten Iodine Phosphorus Einsteinium

:)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paedophiles should be allowed to live near schools...

It reduces their carbon footprint

Antivaxxers are eco friendly!

They dramatically reduce their children's carbon footprint!

Have you heard about the new dating site for elderly people?

They call it Carbon-14.

Yo Momma is so old

Yo Momma is so old, that instead of using online dating, yo dad used carbon dating in order to find her.

Have you heard about that new app, “Cinder?”

It’s great for carbon dating!


:-)

(I just thought of this joke while walking to my car. I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m not the first to come up with it. Apologies, if it’s been made before.)

(In case it isn’t obvious, it’s a play on the *dating* app, “Tinder.”)

Don't you hate it when you're trying to have a nap and there's an alarm blaring in the background?

I just had to smash my carbon monoxide alarm to bits, it was giving me a bloody headache.

Oxygen tried to pick a fight with Helium

Helium didn't react at all, he simply rose above, Carbon was watching the whole thing and said, "That's very noble of you"

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