UPJOKE
graphitecoalhydrogenchemical elementdiamondnitrogencharcoaloxygencarbon dioxidesulfurpetroleumearthsootlimestonecovalent bond

Carbon and Helium were having a conversation.

Carbon: “ And then I said, Barium!”

Osmium walks into the room.

“What’s so funny guys?”

Carbon whispers to Helium: “Don’t tell him. He’s too dense to get it.”

I got rid of my carbon monoxide detector.

It kept giving off a high pitched whine that made me feel nauseous and dizzy.

I recently had a dream that I was swimming in a sea of carbonated orange juice.

Turns out it was just a Fanta sea

What do you call a mentally deranged, carbon-free transportation enjoying person?

A cycle-path

The oceans are comprised of minimally-carbonated salt water.

Therefore, the Earth is flat.

Hey, did you hear that Carbon and Oxygen broke up?

Yeah, it turns out their relationship was actually pretty toxic. Personally, I never saw it.

I took the batteries out of the Carbon Monoxide tester

Because the loud beeping was making me dizzy and feeling nauseous!

Did you hear that you can buy iron and carbon for the price of just 1 alloy?

What a steel!

What the difference between carbon and my ex?

She could form more than 4 bonds at the same time.

An archaeologist and his gorgeous new intern are in the lab checking the levels of carbon-14 in a skull they found.

The archaeologist's jealous wife walks in and demands to know what's going on. "Honey, it's nothing! We're just dating!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I dropped my mixture of fluorine, uranium, carbon, and potassium.

FUCK

Here's a joke about a terrible cable car operator

So there was this man who had only one ambition in his life: he wanted to live in San Francisco and drive cable cars. So he moved there, and studied, and took a test to become a cable car driver. He failed. Studied some more, took the test again. Again he failed. Finally, on the third attempt, he pa...

Where do organic sodas live?

Carbon Nation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was carbon-dating a dinosaur the other day, trying to figure out what era it was from

Upon closer inspection, I realised that it didn't have the 3 anuses I was expecting, so I ruled out the Triassic period

I had to quit my job at the Coca-Cola carbonation factory.

It was just soda pressing.

Two guys walk into a bar and both ask for carbon dioxide. One dies. Why?

The first says, "I'll have CO!" The second one says, "I'll have CO, too!"

How does carbon dioxide make soda so bubbly?

By obeying the laws of fizz-ics.

I was doing a crossword the other day and my girlfriend asked "What's the clue?" I said "Lemon and lime carbonated drink " she replied " 7up ?"

I said "Nah three across"...

After replacing their old C++ code with Google's new programming language, Tinder can now automatically detect its users' age

This is because it's a Carbon dating app.

A couple is taking a tour through the Natural History Museum. They ask the tour guide: "How old is this dinosaur skeleton?"

He replies: "It is sixty five million and fourteen years and three months old."

"Wow! It's amazing that you can tell this precise. How do you do that? Is it with carbon dating?"

"I don't know" says the guide. "But when I first came here they told me it was sixty five million years old....

I really have no idea what carbon dating is...

But, I'll try anything at this point.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Carbon Footprint

An old jewish Gentleman, Izac, lies in his bed dying. He call to his wife "Rachel, Rachel, are you here?"

"Yes, my love I am here as are all your children & grandchildren." Said Rachel with the family gathered around the elder's bed.

"All of you" He queried, trying to see through c...

The reality of dating....

Young kids use a dating app on their phone.

Older kids use a dating website on their computers.

Adults use a matchmaking service to get dates.

Senior citizens meet potential dates at church events.

Anyone older than that will have to resort to carbon dating.

I don't get why some people only drink carbonated water.

The alternative is still water.

TIL Reddit has one of the most effective carbon offset programs of any website

Which is unsurprising considering /r/jokes consistently achieves a 100% recycle rate.

In college, I plan to study Food Science, specializing in carbonated beverages.

My dad always wanted me to become a fizzicist.

What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon?

A mole

Are you made of gold titanium sulfur titanium and carbon?

Because you’re AuTiSTiC

My obsession with carbon borders on Freudian.

I guess you could call it a carbon fixation.

What happens when we exhale carbon dioxide ?

Carbon Dioutside.

This sub really likes to watch its carbon footprint

I know because it keeps on recycling the same jokes

The carbon monoxide detector is getting really annoying

But hey, at least the kids are quiet

My mom loves me so much she thinks I'm made of Gold, Titanium, Sulfur, and carbon.

She's always calling me Au Ti S Ti C.

My friend had a long life dream of studying carbonation in soda. After many years of schooling, he accomplished his dream...

...he became a licensed Fizzyologist.

Some people are into carbon dating.

It's not for me. I dated carbon once, turns out they made everything up.

A new carbonated beverage mimics the sounds of a human voice when you pour it out of the bottle.

or out of the can, soda speak.

What do you call an iron/carbon alloy that never gets embarrassed?

Shameless steel

I would have made a joke about carbon dating...

...but it would have gotten old very quickly.

NASA's Perseverance rover on Mars has successfully tested a device that can convert carbon dioxide (98% of Mar's atmosphere) into oxygen and carbon monoxide.

Sounds like a great idea, until all the Martians start dying from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Why were oxygen, hydrogen and carbon wearing suites and ties?

Because they are formyl group.

My 2020 New Year's resolution was to reduce my carbon footprint.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

What do you call an organic compound in which a hydroxyl is bound to a carbon atom of an alkyl??

See? Sometimes alcohol IS the answer!!

I wish I knew how to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm....

It's been going off for about fifteen minutes and the noise is making really dizzy and lightheaded.

I’ve been experimenting with iron, carbon, and aluminum to make a better toilet. I’m going to write a whitepaper on my results.

It’s titled “The FeCAl Matter.”

What is a WLAN cable?

78% nitrogen, 21% oxygen, 0.93% argon, 0.038% carbon dioxide, and trace amounts of other gases.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My environmentalist ass named one of my twins Carbon

The other one was Copy.

I don't have a carbon footprint.

I always drive everywhere.

A coworker made a joke about carbon monoxide poisoning…

I told him it was tasteless

I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

[FRONT PAGE!](https://media2.giphy.com/media/FGmbEOTVWQHzW/200_s.gif)

Flat Earthers vindicated

The surface of the earth is approx 70% water. None of it is carbonated, thus proving the earth is flat.

What's the dating scene like at MIT?

Carbon-14 is the most common method, I believe.

Salesman John

John was appointed as sales person at a local store in London.

While on one of his shifts, a lady approached him and asked if they had 'Peach Jam' to which he bluntly replied, "Out of stock."

At this, the lady immediately turned to leave the shop in disgruntlement.

It was then t...

in another world, there's a guy that was made out of carbon, helium, and fluorine. do you know what he is?

he's a CHeF......

Yo mama so old,

She goes on carbon dates.

I saw a burglar on the CCTV of my elements shop. He was taking gold, iodine, carbon, uranium, platinum, and three bottles of nitric oxide. I said over the tannoy....

'Au, I C U! NO NO NO!'


I didn't mention the Fifth Element because it was so overpriced and overhyped.

Do the right thing, reduce your carbon footprint...

Think of the world we'll be leaving behind for Willie Nelson and Keith Richards.

I bought my niece some fancy new graphite shoes;

but she won't wear them because she's trying to decrease her carbon footprint.

Sierra appears on a trivia game show. Her first question is about carbonated beverages. Sierra knows nothing about carbonated beverages.

Needless to say, Sierra Mist that question.

What happens, when you let the gas out of carbonated water?

Not much. It's still water

If Darth Vader was frozen in Carbonite

He would be Mannaquin Skywalker

Hydrogen and Carbon walk into a bar

Hydrogen: Hey I was thinking about starting a business about electrons and wanted to ask if you wanted to be a partner

Carbon: Sure! I’ve got nothing to lose!

What did carbon yell at gold while trying to get his attention?

A! U!!!

If it doesn't make sense tell it so someone out loud. Pretty sure this is my first original joke :)

Wow, carbon dating has improved in recent years!

A museum visitor was admiring a Tyrannosaurus fossil, and asked a nearby museum employee how old it was. "That skeleton's sixty-five million and three years, two months and eighteen days old," the employee replied.

"How can you know it that well?" she asked.

"Well, when I started wor...

What do you call a country that is entirely made out of coal?

A carbonation!

Are you a Carbon sample?

Because I want to *date* you.

When the carbon tax comes into effect, fragrance manufacturers will be upset..

..they will be paying per fume.

I took the batterys out of my carbon monoxide detector.

It was beeping the whole week, and my roof told me to.

What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel

How long does a carbon monoxide intoxication last?

Longer than you think.

I just got an all-organic carbon capture plant for my house.

I just call it "a plant" for short.

My carbon monoxide alarm went off in the middle of the night

It gave me a really bad headache, so I had to turn it off.

Why do all of the carbon atoms in benzene get along so well?

They learned to just let pi bonds be pi bonds.

Sentient meat

2 Aliens meeting on their starship after a scan of the solar system:

Are there any lifeforms in that solar system

Well it's difficult to really explain

What do you mean

They're made out of meat.

Meat?

Meat. They're made out of meat.

Meat?

There...

Biochemistry joke- I once went carbon dating...

I was arrested because carbon was only 14

I want my favorite bar to change its name to Carbon

So when I go there, I'll be in my element.

The carbon dioxide levels in our atmosphere are now higher than they’ve ever been, but there are ways that we can reduce that number by half.

Divide it by 2.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Old Joke

The year is 2120, and our story follows Joe McFlinch and his journey to overcome his inner demons. 'Who is Joe?', you may be wondering. Well, Joe is a cowardly 29 year old male. He has no special talents or skills, no hobbies, and most sadly, no friends. If I were to describe him as a dish, he would...

I signed up for a dating service through a local college.

How was I to know that at Carbon Dating I'd only be introduced to old fossils!

Where would you go if you want a tiny carbonated beverage?

To Minnesooota!

Why are carbon chains with two double bonds so sad?

Because they're diene

In a small South American village, a man was putting the final touches on a new cheese recipe…

The man, a chemist, was surprised at the secret ingredients that made it so delicious: sodium, carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen.

“Now I just need to give it a name…” he thought.

Suddenly, a burglar dropped out of nowhere and snagged the vat of cheesy goodness!

“STOP!” the man shoute...

I found the secret formula for a very well known beverage

Carbon, Oxygen, Calcium, Cobalt, Lanthanum

A walkie talkie invited a lump of coal to dinner and a movie.

Radio-carbon dating

I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice...

He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.

(real news) Select Starbucks stores have been offering customers the option of adding carbonation to their drinks.

In response, Dunkin' Donuts is offering customers the option of having an employee make motorboat noises into their coffee.

A woman answered her front doo

A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.
"Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging...

Why Do Most Diamonds Look So Similar?

They're all just carbon copies of each other.

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