Carbon and Helium were having a conversation.

Carbon: “ And then I said, Barium!”

Osmium walks into the room.

“What’s so funny guys?”

Carbon whispers to Helium: “Don’t tell him. He’s too dense to get it.”

Two guys walk into a bar and both ask for carbon dioxide. One dies. Why?

The first says, "I'll have CO!" The second one says, "I'll have CO, too!"

I had to disable the Carbon Monoxide detector in my house

the constant beeping made me feel sick, dizzy, and gave me a headache.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In China, archaeologists recently discovered the oldest known statue of a penis...

...carbon dating estimates it came from the Dong Dynasty.

Are you made of gold titanium sulfur titanium and carbon?

Because you’re AuTiSTiC

Electricians of Reddit. How do you turn off the carbon monoxide detector?

The loud beeping is making me feel dizzy and nauseous.

I had to quit my job at the Coca-Cola carbonation factory.

It was just soda pressing.

I told a joke about carbon monoxide poisoning to my family.

They said it was very tasteless.

What do you call an iron/carbon alloy that never gets embarrassed?

Shameless steel

My 2020 New Year's resolution was to reduce my carbon footprint.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

I had to unplug my carbon monoxide alarm

The constant beeping was exhausting and giving me a headache

Do the right thing, reduce your carbon footprint...

Think of the world we'll be leaving behind for Willie Nelson and Keith Richards.

Damn, are you gold, titanium, sulfur, titanium, carbon?

Because you look AU TI S TI C

I’ve been experimenting with iron, carbon, and aluminum to make a better toilet. I’m going to write a whitepaper on my results.

It’s titled “The FeCAl Matter.”

I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.

Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.

The carbon monoxide detector is getting really annoying

But hey, at least the kids are quiet

What the difference between carbon and my ex?

She could form more than 4 bonds at the same time.

in another world, there's a guy that was made out of carbon, helium, and fluorine. do you know what he is?

he's a CHeF......

I don't have a carbon footprint.

I always drive everywhere.

My mom loves me so much she thinks I'm made of Gold, Titanium, Sulfur, and carbon.

She's always calling me Au Ti S Ti C.

So I tried carbon dating.

The carbon stood me up.

I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice...

He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.

Hey, did you hear that Carbon and Oxygen broke up?

Yeah, it turns out their relationship was actually pretty toxic. Personally, I never saw it.

How did the two archaeologists fall in love

Carbon dating.

What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon?

A mole

A chemist wants to open up a coffee shop

When the FDA comes to check his facility, they ask about his coffee recipe. He says, "I'm not like these other coffee shops. My coffee is made using pure science!

One part carbon monoxide and 2 parts iron."

yo mama is so old..

her profile is on carbon dating apps

Global warming is caused by a growing mountain of carbon.

I just hope our children can climate.

I saw a burglar on the CCTV of my elements shop. He was taking gold, iodine, carbon, uranium, platinum, and three bottles of nitric oxide. I said over the tannoy....

'Au, I C U! NO NO NO!'


I didn't mention the Fifth Element because it was so overpriced and overhyped.

Twas the night before Christmas

When all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.


Really should have bought a carbon monoxide detector

I wish I knew how to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm....

It's been going off for about fifteen minutes and the noise is making really dizzy and lightheaded.

What did carbon yell at gold while trying to get his attention?

A! U!!!

If it doesn't make sense tell it so someone out loud. Pretty sure this is my first original joke :)

I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

[FRONT PAGE!](https://media2.giphy.com/media/FGmbEOTVWQHzW/200_s.gif)

Some people are into carbon dating.

It's not for me. I dated carbon once, turns out they made everything up.

A new carbonated beverage mimics the sounds of a human voice when you pour it out of the bottle.

or out of the can, soda speak.

What are elderly people most deficient in?

Carbon 14

How long does a carbon monoxide intoxication last?

Longer than you think.

Hydrogen and Carbon walk into a bar

Hydrogen: Hey I was thinking about starting a business about electrons and wanted to ask if you wanted to be a partner

Carbon: Sure! I’ve got nothing to lose!

When the carbon tax comes into effect, fragrance manufacturers will be upset..

..they will be paying per fume.

Sierra appears on a trivia game show. Her first question is about carbonated beverages. Sierra knows nothing about carbonated beverages.

Needless to say, Sierra Mist that question.

Why do all of the carbon atoms in benzene get along so well?

They learned to just let pi bonds be pi bonds.

Potassium and Oxygen hooked up

It would have been OK, if Potassium hadn't come first.

Bonus: Oxygen, Hydrogen, and Carbon always wear their best suits when they get together. They're a formyl group.

What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel

How did the diamond find a girlfriend?

Carbon dating.

What do you call it when an organic lifeform goes out with another organic lifeform?

Carbon dating.

I made a web site for older people to hook up.

It's called Carbon Dating.

My carbon monoxide alarm went off in the middle of the night

It gave me a really bad headache, so I had to turn it off.

Are you a Carbon sample?

Because I want to *date* you.

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon.I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony o...

I want my favorite bar to change its name to Carbon

So when I go there, I'll be in my element.

Where would you go if you want a tiny carbonated beverage?

To Minnesooota!

Breaking News: United Airlines to replace carbonated beverage options.

They will now only sell punch.

Wow, carbon dating has improved in recent years!

A museum visitor was admiring a Tyrannosaurus fossil, and asked a nearby museum employee how old it was. "That skeleton's sixty-five million and three years, two months and eighteen days old," the employee replied.

"How can you know it that well?" she asked.

"Well, when I started wor...

Why are carbon chains with two double bonds so sad?

Because they're diene

Biochemistry joke- I once went carbon dating...

I was arrested because carbon was only 14

Paedophiles should be allowed to live near schools...

It reduces their carbon footprint

Antivaxxers are eco friendly!

They dramatically reduce their children's carbon footprint!

Why does carbon monoxide smell like

fjbsjko

Don't you hate it when you're trying to have a nap and there's an alarm blaring in the background?

I just had to smash my carbon monoxide alarm to bits, it was giving me a bloody headache.

Have you heard about the new dating site for elderly people?

They call it Carbon-14.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This should be a standard response to chemistry jokes

Flourine Uranium Carbon Potassium

Yttrium Oxygen Uranium

Arsenic Sulphur Tungsten Iodine Phosphorus Einsteinium

:)

im starting to think the earth is flat.

it just doesnt seem that carbonated.

I refused to walk across hot coals because I'm an environmentalist.

I didn't want to have a large carbon footprint.

(real news) Select Starbucks stores have been offering customers the option of adding carbonation to their drinks.

In response, Dunkin' Donuts is offering customers the option of having an employee make motorboat noises into their coffee.

The Compost Heap

I was raised in a fairly hippy-ish town. The kind of place that was always looking to do something ecologically friendly in the days before the internet made it easy to share tips and tricks on how to cut down your carbon footprint.

One of the things they did was expand the recycling collect...

Why did the archaeologist’s wife divorce him?

He was carbon-dating behind her back

What did the student say after learning all the symbols on the periodic table?

“Fluorine-Uranium-Carbon-Potassium this! Never again!”

1 My kid’s made up Star Wars joke: What does Darth Vader exhale?

Carbon Darkside

The power of Pepsi

So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the c...

What is the relationship between an old fossil and a paleontologist called?

Carbon Dating

I tried to ask Google for some good chemistry jokes.

But it just kept returning "Fluorine Uranium Carbon Potassium Oxygen Fluorine Fluorine."

I'm making an app like Tinder, but exclusively for paleontologists

I'm calling it "Carbon Dating"

Have you heard about that new app, “Cinder?”

It’s great for carbon dating!


:-)

(I just thought of this joke while walking to my car. I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m not the first to come up with it. Apologies, if it’s been made before.)

(In case it isn’t obvious, it’s a play on the *dating* app, “Tinder.”)

People make fun of anti-vaxx people but you gotta admit

They do reduce carbon emissions

Oxygen tried to pick a fight with Helium

Helium didn't react at all, he simply rose above, Carbon was watching the whole thing and said, "That's very noble of you"

I finally found an app for my senior love life!!

It's called Carbon Dating <3

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