Carbon and Helium were having a conversation.

Carbon: “ And then I said, Barium!”

Osmium walks into the room.

“What’s so funny guys?”

Carbon whispers to Helium: “Don’t tell him. He’s too dense to get it.”

Yo mama so old,

She goes on carbon dates.

Hey, did you hear that Carbon and Oxygen broke up?

Yeah, it turns out their relationship was actually pretty toxic. Personally, I never saw it.

had to throw out my carbon monoxide detector tonight.

All that beeping was giving me a headache and making me dizzy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Carbon Footprint

An old jewish Gentleman, Izac, lies in his bed dying. He call to his wife "Rachel, Rachel, are you here?"

"Yes, my love I am here as are all your children & grandchildren." Said Rachel with the family gathered around the elder's bed.

"All of you" He queried, trying to see through c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was carbon-dating a dinosaur the other day, trying to figure out what era it was from

Upon closer inspection, I realised that it didn't have the 3 anuses I was expecting, so I ruled out the Triassic period

If Darth Vader was frozen in Carbonite

He would be Mannaquin Skywalker

Two guys walk into a bar and both ask for carbon dioxide. One dies. Why?

The first says, "I'll have CO!" The second one says, "I'll have CO, too!"

What happens when we exhale carbon dioxide ?

Carbon Dioutside.

TIL Reddit has one of the most effective carbon offset programs of any website

Which is unsurprising considering /r/jokes consistently achieves a 100% recycle rate.

I don't get why some people only drink carbonated water.

The alternative is still water.

My friend had a long life dream of studying carbonation in soda. After many years of schooling, he accomplished his dream...

...he became a licensed Fizzyologist.

In college, I plan to study Food Science, specializing in carbonated beverages.

My dad always wanted me to become a fizzicist.

I had to quit my job at the Coca-Cola carbonation factory.

It was just soda pressing.

My mom loves me so much she thinks I'm made of Gold, Titanium, Sulfur, and carbon.

She's always calling me Au Ti S Ti C.

I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.

Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.

What do you call an iron/carbon alloy that never gets embarrassed?

Shameless steel

What the difference between carbon and my ex?

She could form more than 4 bonds at the same time.

NASA's Perseverance rover on Mars has successfully tested a device that can convert carbon dioxide (98% of Mar's atmosphere) into oxygen and carbon monoxide.

Sounds like a great idea, until all the Martians start dying from carbon monoxide poisoning.

I would have made a joke about carbon dating...

...but it would have gotten old very quickly.

A walkie talkie invited a lump of coal to dinner and a movie.

Radio-carbon dating

This sub really likes to watch its carbon footprint

I know because it keeps on recycling the same jokes

Why were oxygen, hydrogen and carbon wearing suites and ties?

Because they are formyl group.

In a small South American village, a man was putting the final touches on a new cheese recipe…

The man, a chemist, was surprised at the secret ingredients that made it so delicious: sodium, carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen.

“Now I just need to give it a name…” he thought.

Suddenly, a burglar dropped out of nowhere and snagged the vat of cheesy goodness!

“STOP!” the man shoute...

The carbon monoxide detector is getting really annoying

But hey, at least the kids are quiet

My 2020 New Year's resolution was to reduce my carbon footprint.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

I told a joke about carbon monoxide poisoning to my family.

They said it was very tasteless.

What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon?

A mole

A new carbonated beverage mimics the sounds of a human voice when you pour it out of the bottle.

or out of the can, soda speak.

Are you made of gold, 2 titanium sulfur and carbon?

Because you’re autistic

What do you call an organic compound in which a hydroxyl is bound to a carbon atom of an alkyl??

See? Sometimes alcohol IS the answer!!

Some people are into carbon dating.

It's not for me. I dated carbon once, turns out they made everything up.

in another world, there's a guy that was made out of carbon, helium, and fluorine. do you know what he is?

he's a CHeF......

Do the right thing, reduce your carbon footprint...

Think of the world we'll be leaving behind for Willie Nelson and Keith Richards.

I’ve been experimenting with iron, carbon, and aluminum to make a better toilet. I’m going to write a whitepaper on my results.

It’s titled “The FeCAl Matter.”

I wish I knew how to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm....

It's been going off for about fifteen minutes and the noise is making really dizzy and lightheaded.

Why did the paleontologists fall in love with the fossil?

They were Carbon dating

What did carbon yell at gold while trying to get his attention?

A! U!!!

If it doesn't make sense tell it so someone out loud. Pretty sure this is my first original joke :)

I saw a burglar on the CCTV of my elements shop. He was taking gold, iodine, carbon, uranium, platinum, and three bottles of nitric oxide. I said over the tannoy....

'Au, I C U! NO NO NO!'


I didn't mention the Fifth Element because it was so overpriced and overhyped.

I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

[FRONT PAGE!](https://media2.giphy.com/media/FGmbEOTVWQHzW/200_s.gif)

How long does a carbon monoxide intoxication last?

Longer than you think.

What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel

Sierra appears on a trivia game show. Her first question is about carbonated beverages. Sierra knows nothing about carbonated beverages.

Needless to say, Sierra Mist that question.

Why Do Most Diamonds Look So Similar?

They're all just carbon copies of each other.

Hydrogen and Carbon walk into a bar

Hydrogen: Hey I was thinking about starting a business about electrons and wanted to ask if you wanted to be a partner

Carbon: Sure! I’ve got nothing to lose!

When the carbon tax comes into effect, fragrance manufacturers will be upset..

..they will be paying per fume.

Wow, carbon dating has improved in recent years!

A museum visitor was admiring a Tyrannosaurus fossil, and asked a nearby museum employee how old it was. "That skeleton's sixty-five million and three years, two months and eighteen days old," the employee replied.

"How can you know it that well?" she asked.

"Well, when I started wor...

Why do all of the carbon atoms in benzene get along so well?

They learned to just let pi bonds be pi bonds.

A woman answered her front doo

A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.
"Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging...

Are you a Carbon sample?

Because I want to *date* you.

I took the batterys out of my carbon monoxide detector.

It was beeping the whole week, and my roof told me to.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a necrophiliac date his sexual partners?

Carbon-14.

I want my favorite bar to change its name to Carbon

So when I go there, I'll be in my element.

Biochemistry joke- I once went carbon dating...

I was arrested because carbon was only 14

I just got an all-organic carbon capture plant for my house.

I just call it "a plant" for short.

My carbon monoxide alarm went off in the middle of the night

It gave me a really bad headache, so I had to turn it off.

I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice...

He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.

Where would you go if you want a tiny carbonated beverage?

To Minnesooota!

Breaking News: United Airlines to replace carbonated beverage options.

They will now only sell punch.

A chemist wants to open up a coffee shop

When the FDA comes to check his facility, they ask about his coffee recipe. He says, "I'm not like these other coffee shops. My coffee is made using pure science!

One part carbon monoxide and 2 parts iron."

Did you hear about the new car that instead of using gas, runs on Carbon, Oxygen, Carbon, and Potassium?

It's a real guzzler.

(real news) Select Starbucks stores have been offering customers the option of adding carbonation to their drinks.

In response, Dunkin' Donuts is offering customers the option of having an employee make motorboat noises into their coffee.

Twas the night before Christmas

When all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.


Really should have bought a carbon monoxide detector

How did the diamond find a girlfriend?

Carbon dating.

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony ...

In 1988 Enzo Anselmo Ferrari, after living a full life, died.

When he got to heaven God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a small Ferrari flag in the window. "This house is yurs for eternity, Enzo," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."
Enzo felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his...

My chemistry teacher wrote me a heartfelt chemistry poem:

Fluorine, Uranium, Carbon, Potassium, Yttrium, Oxygen, Uranium.

What do you call it when an organic lifeform goes out with another organic lifeform?

Carbon dating.

What are elderly people most deficient in?

Carbon 14

The power of Pepsi

So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the c...

A chemist fell in love with an archeologist

They’re now carbon dating.

Potassium and Oxygen hooked up

It would have been OK, if Potassium hadn't come first.

Bonus: Oxygen, Hydrogen, and Carbon always wear their best suits when they get together. They're a formyl group.

I made a web site for older people to hook up.

It's called Carbon Dating.

1 My kid’s made up Star Wars joke: What does Darth Vader exhale?

Carbon Darkside

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This should be a standard response to chemistry jokes

Flourine Uranium Carbon Potassium

Yttrium Oxygen Uranium

Arsenic Sulphur Tungsten Iodine Phosphorus Einsteinium

:)

Oxygen tried to pick a fight with Helium

Helium didn't react at all, he simply rose above, Carbon was watching the whole thing and said, "That's very noble of you"

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