Carbon and Helium were having a conversation.

Carbon: “ And then I said, Barium!”

Osmium walks into the room.

“What’s so funny guys?”

Carbon whispers to Helium: “Don’t tell him. He’s too dense to get it.”

NASA's Perseverance rover on Mars has successfully tested a device that can convert carbon dioxide (98% of Mar's atmosphere) into oxygen and carbon monoxide.

Sounds like a great idea, until all the Martians start dying from carbon monoxide poisoning.

I really have no idea what carbon dating is...

But, I'll try anything at this point.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was carbon-dating a dinosaur the other day, trying to figure out what era it was from

Upon closer inspection, I realised that it didn't have the 3 anuses I was expecting, so I ruled out the Triassic period

TIL Reddit has one of the most effective carbon offset programs of any website

Which is unsurprising considering /r/jokes consistently achieves a 100% recycle rate.

In college, I plan to study Food Science, specializing in carbonated beverages.

My dad always wanted me to become a fizzicist.

I would have made a joke about carbon dating...

...but it would have gotten old very quickly.

I don't get why some people only drink carbonated water.

The alternative is still water.

My friend had a long life dream of studying carbonation in soda. After many years of schooling, he accomplished his dream...

...he became a licensed Fizzyologist.

This sub really likes to watch its carbon footprint

I know because it keeps on recycling the same jokes

Why were oxygen, hydrogen and carbon wearing suites and ties?

Because they are formyl group.

My carbon monoxide detector won’t stop beeping.

It’s giving me a headache, and dizziness, and nausea.

I had to quit my job at the Coca-Cola carbonation factory.

It was just soda pressing.

My mom loves me so much she thinks I'm made of Gold, Titanium, Sulfur, and carbon.

She's always calling me Au Ti S Ti C.

My 2020 New Year's resolution was to reduce my carbon footprint.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

I had to disable the Carbon Monoxide detector in my house

the constant beeping made me feel sick, dizzy, and gave me a headache.

I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.

Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.

Two guys walk into a bar and both ask for carbon dioxide. One dies. Why?

The first says, "I'll have CO!" The second one says, "I'll have CO, too!"

Hey, did you hear that Carbon and Oxygen broke up?

Yeah, it turns out their relationship was actually pretty toxic. Personally, I never saw it.

What the difference between carbon and my ex?

She could form more than 4 bonds at the same time.

Asked Mother whether it was okay to make fun of her age now.

She asked if i even knew how old she was, told her

"No, carbon dating is expensive"

Class Discussion: Carbon Footprints and its Anatomical Impact.

Student 1: "I live next to a truck warehouse. There's always a lot of smoke."

Student 2: "I'm so sorry to hear that. You must be exhausted."

The carbon monoxide detector is getting really annoying

But hey, at least the kids are quiet

What do aliens call it when an alien and a human start going out?

Carbon dating

What do you call an organic compound in which a hydroxyl is bound to a carbon atom of an alkyl??

See? Sometimes alcohol IS the answer!!

I told a joke about carbon monoxide poisoning to my family.

They said it was very tasteless.

What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon?

A mole

A new carbonated beverage mimics the sounds of a human voice when you pour it out of the bottle.

or out of the can, soda speak.

What do you call an iron/carbon alloy that never gets embarrassed?

Shameless steel

Electricians of Reddit. How do you turn off the carbon monoxide detector?

The loud beeping is making me feel dizzy and nauseous.

Why did the paleontologists fall in love with the fossil?

They were Carbon dating

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are you composed of barium, silicon, carbon, bismuth, technetium and hydrogen?

Because you're a BaSiC BiTcH!

Some people are into carbon dating.

It's not for me. I dated carbon once, turns out they made everything up.

She went missing !

Husband: My wife is missing. She went mountain biking yesterday and has not come home!

Officer: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 25 and 35. We don't do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weig...

Do the right thing, reduce your carbon footprint...

Think of the world we'll be leaving behind for Willie Nelson and Keith Richards.

I’ve been experimenting with iron, carbon, and aluminum to make a better toilet. I’m going to write a whitepaper on my results.

It’s titled “The FeCAl Matter.”

I wish I knew how to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm....

It's been going off for about fifteen minutes and the noise is making really dizzy and lightheaded.

Why Do Most Diamonds Look So Similar?

They're all just carbon copies of each other.

I saw a burglar on the CCTV of my elements shop. He was taking gold, iodine, carbon, uranium, platinum, and three bottles of nitric oxide. I said over the tannoy....

'Au, I C U! NO NO NO!'


I didn't mention the Fifth Element because it was so overpriced and overhyped.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In China, archaeologists recently discovered the oldest known statue of a penis...

...carbon dating estimates it came from the Dong Dynasty.

I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

[FRONT PAGE!](https://media2.giphy.com/media/FGmbEOTVWQHzW/200_s.gif)

How long does a carbon monoxide intoxication last?

Longer than you think.

Sierra appears on a trivia game show. Her first question is about carbonated beverages. Sierra knows nothing about carbonated beverages.

Needless to say, Sierra Mist that question.

A woman answered her front doo

A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.
"Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging...

If we are made of oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, and nitrogen.

And the universe is made up of primarily oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, and nitrogen.Is this why I'm so spaced out?

I've heard people say that vegans are gonna save the world. I disagree...

If you want to save the world you should become a cannibal.

If you eat someone you're 100% carbon neutral. Better yet, eat a pilot.

Hydrogen and Carbon walk into a bar

Hydrogen: Hey I was thinking about starting a business about electrons and wanted to ask if you wanted to be a partner

Carbon: Sure! I’ve got nothing to lose!

I'm getting tired of my relationship with carbon isotopes -.- it's too complicated.

Time to give up carbon dating.

When the carbon tax comes into effect, fragrance manufacturers will be upset..

..they will be paying per fume.

What did carbon yell at gold while trying to get his attention?

A! U!!!

If it doesn't make sense tell it so someone out loud. Pretty sure this is my first original joke :)

The carbon dioxide levels in our atmosphere are now higher than they’ve ever been, but there are ways that we can reduce that number by half.

Divide it by 2.

What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel

Why do all of the carbon atoms in benzene get along so well?

They learned to just let pi bonds be pi bonds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a necrophiliac date his sexual partners?

Carbon-14.

Are you a Carbon sample?

Because I want to *date* you.

I took the batterys out of my carbon monoxide detector.

It was beeping the whole week, and my roof told me to.

Wow, carbon dating has improved in recent years!

A museum visitor was admiring a Tyrannosaurus fossil, and asked a nearby museum employee how old it was. "That skeleton's sixty-five million and three years, two months and eighteen days old," the employee replied.

"How can you know it that well?" she asked.

"Well, when I started wor...

I just got an all-organic carbon capture plant for my house.

I just call it "a plant" for short.

My carbon monoxide alarm went off in the middle of the night

It gave me a really bad headache, so I had to turn it off.

I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice...

He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.

I want my favorite bar to change its name to Carbon

So when I go there, I'll be in my element.

Biochemistry joke- I once went carbon dating...

I was arrested because carbon was only 14

Twas the night before Christmas

When all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.


Really should have bought a carbon monoxide detector

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony ...

In 1988 Enzo Anselmo Ferrari, after living a full life, died.

When he got to heaven God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a small Ferrari flag in the window. "This house is yurs for eternity, Enzo," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."
Enzo felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his...

A chemist wants to open up a coffee shop

When the FDA comes to check his facility, they ask about his coffee recipe. He says, "I'm not like these other coffee shops. My coffee is made using pure science!

One part carbon monoxide and 2 parts iron."

Breaking News: United Airlines to replace carbonated beverage options.

They will now only sell punch.

(real news) Select Starbucks stores have been offering customers the option of adding carbonation to their drinks.

In response, Dunkin' Donuts is offering customers the option of having an employee make motorboat noises into their coffee.

How did the diamond find a girlfriend?

Carbon dating.

Why does carbon monoxide smell like

fjbsjko

My chemistry teacher wrote me a heartfelt chemistry poem:

Fluorine, Uranium, Carbon, Potassium, Yttrium, Oxygen, Uranium.

What are elderly people most deficient in?

Carbon 14

What do you call it when an organic lifeform goes out with another organic lifeform?

Carbon dating.

Potassium and Oxygen hooked up

It would have been OK, if Potassium hadn't come first.

Bonus: Oxygen, Hydrogen, and Carbon always wear their best suits when they get together. They're a formyl group.

I made a web site for older people to hook up.

It's called Carbon Dating.

The power of Pepsi

So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This should be a standard response to chemistry jokes

Flourine Uranium Carbon Potassium

Yttrium Oxygen Uranium

Arsenic Sulphur Tungsten Iodine Phosphorus Einsteinium

:)

1 My kid’s made up Star Wars joke: What does Darth Vader exhale?

Carbon Darkside

yo mama is so old..

her profile is on carbon dating apps

Have you heard about the new dating site for elderly people?

They call it Carbon-14.

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