UPJOKE
graphitecoalhydrogenchemical elementdiamondnitrogencharcoalfullereneoxygencarbon dioxidesulfurhydrocarbonpetroleumearthsoot

Hey, did you hear that Carbon and Oxygen broke up?

Yeah, it turns out their relationship was actually pretty toxic. Personally, I never saw it.

What the difference between carbon and my ex?

She could form more than 4 bonds at the same time.

My carbon monoxide detector won’t stop beeping.

It’s giving me a headache, and dizziness, and nausea.

What do you call a mentally deranged, carbon-free transportation enjoying person?

A cycle-path

Carbon and Helium were having a conversation.

Carbon: “ And then I said, Barium!”

Osmium walks into the room.

“What’s so funny guys?”

Carbon whispers to Helium: “Don’t tell him. He’s too dense to get it.”

The earth is 80% water. None of that water is carbonated.

The earth is flat.

How does carbon dioxide make soda so bubbly?

By obeying the laws of fizz-ics.

What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon?

A mole

What sets carbon apart from the other elements?

It’s the only element with based life forms.

This one is so old it's been carbon-dated.

A farmer was out working in his field one day when a carload of politicians came flying by. They were going too fast for the curve and turned over in the ditch. Later the sheriff stopped by and asked the farmer if he has seen the car.

"Yep" replied the farmer.

"Where are they?" a...

I dream of one day swimming in an ocean of orange carbonated water

It's my Fanta sea.

What do you call someone with a doctorate in carbonated beverages?

A *fizz*ician

The oceans are comprised of minimally-carbonated salt water.

Therefore, the Earth is flat.

I had to quit my job at the Coca-Cola carbonation factory.

It was just soda pressing.

Of all the elements, carbon is kind of a tramp

it dates everything

What do you call somebody with the PHD in the field of drink carbonation?

A Fizzician.

I’ve decided to launch a brand new dating app exclusively for Palaeontologists……..

I’m going to call it ‘Carbon Dating’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Carbon Footprint

An old jewish Gentleman, Izac, lies in his bed dying. He call to his wife "Rachel, Rachel, are you here?"

"Yes, my love I am here as are all your children & grandchildren." Said Rachel with the family gathered around the elder's bed.

"All of you" He queried, trying to see through c...

A couple is taking a tour through the Natural History Museum. They ask the tour guide: "How old is this dinosaur skeleton?"

He replies: "It is sixty five million and fourteen years and three months old."

"Wow! It's amazing that you can tell this precise. How do you do that? Is it with carbon dating?"

"I don't know" says the guide. "But when I first came here they told me it was sixty five million years old....

I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

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These climate change activists need to relax, i don’t have a carbon footprint

I Just drive everywhere instead

The carbon monoxide detector is getting really annoying

But hey, at least the kids are quiet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I dropped my mixture of fluorine, uranium, carbon, and potassium.

FUCK

I really have no idea what carbon dating is...

But, I'll try anything at this point.

I don't get why some people only drink carbonated water.

The alternative is still water.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was carbon-dating a dinosaur the other day, trying to figure out what era it was from

Upon closer inspection, I realised that it didn't have the 3 anuses I was expecting, so I ruled out the Triassic period

Some people are into carbon dating.

It's not for me. I dated carbon once, turns out they made everything up.

In college, I plan to study Food Science, specializing in carbonated beverages.

My dad always wanted me to become a fizzicist.

Two guys walk into a bar and both ask for carbon dioxide. One dies. Why?

The first says, "I'll have CO!" The second one says, "I'll have CO, too!"

Wow, carbon dating has improved in recent years!

A museum visitor was admiring a Tyrannosaurus fossil, and asked a nearby museum employee how old it was. "That skeleton's sixty-five million and three years, two months and eighteen days old," the employee replied.

"How can you know it that well?" she asked.

"Well, when I started wor...

What happens when we exhale carbon dioxide ?

Carbon Dioutside.

I would have made a joke about carbon dating...

...but it would have gotten old very quickly.

I don't have a carbon footprint.

I always drive everywhere.

What do you call an iron/carbon alloy that never gets embarrassed?

Shameless steel

Which shoe creates the greatest carbon footprint?

Vans

NASA's Perseverance rover on Mars has successfully tested a device that can convert carbon dioxide (98% of Mar's atmosphere) into oxygen and carbon monoxide.

Sounds like a great idea, until all the Martians start dying from carbon monoxide poisoning.

This sub really likes to watch its carbon footprint

I know because it keeps on recycling the same jokes

I wish I knew how to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm....

It's been going off for about fifteen minutes and the noise is making really dizzy and lightheaded.

Why were oxygen, hydrogen and carbon wearing suites and ties?

Because they are formyl group.

Did you hear that you can buy iron and carbon for the price of just 1 alloy?

What a steel!

TIL Reddit has one of the most effective carbon offset programs of any website

Which is unsurprising considering /r/jokes consistently achieves a 100% recycle rate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My environmentalist ass named one of my twins Carbon

The other one was Copy.

An archaeologist and his gorgeous new intern are in the lab checking the levels of carbon-14 in a skull they found.

The archaeologist's jealous wife walks in and demands to know what's going on. "Honey, it's nothing! We're just dating!"

Are you made of Gold, Titanium, Sulfur, and Carbon?

Because you are Au.Ti.S.Ti.C

My 2020 New Year's resolution was to reduce my carbon footprint.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Are you a Carbon sample?

Because I want to *date* you.

Hydrogen and Carbon walk into a bar

Hydrogen: Hey I was thinking about starting a business about electrons and wanted to ask if you wanted to be a partner

Carbon: Sure! I’ve got nothing to lose!

A new carbonated beverage mimics the sounds of a human voice when you pour it out of the bottle.

or out of the can, soda speak.

Do the right thing, reduce your carbon footprint...

Think of the world we'll be leaving behind for Willie Nelson and Keith Richards.

Yo Mama's so old ...

her dating service is named Carbon.

Global warming is caused by a growing mountain of carbon.

I just hope our children can climate.

What happens, when you let the gas out of carbonated water?

Not much. It's still water

If Darth Vader was frozen in Carbonite

He would be Mannaquin Skywalker

Biochemistry joke- I once went carbon dating...

I was arrested because carbon was only 14

What did carbon yell at gold while trying to get his attention?

A! U!!!

If it doesn't make sense tell it so someone out loud. Pretty sure this is my first original joke :)

How long does a carbon monoxide intoxication last?

Longer than you think.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are you composed of barium, silicon, carbon, bismuth, technetium and hydrogen?

Because you're a BaSiC BiTcH!

Fake diamonds should be illegal…

…after all, they’re “carbon copies.”

I just got an all-organic carbon capture plant for my house.

I just call it "a plant" for short.

The power of Pepsi

So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the c...

When the carbon tax comes into effect, fragrance manufacturers will be upset..

..they will be paying per fume.

I want my favorite bar to change its name to Carbon

So when I go there, I'll be in my element.

My carbon monoxide alarm went off in the middle of the night

It gave me a really bad headache, so I had to turn it off.

Why do all of the carbon atoms in benzene get along so well?

They learned to just let pi bonds be pi bonds.

What do you call an organic compound in which a hydroxyl is bound to a carbon atom of an alkyl??

See? Sometimes alcohol IS the answer!!

I was doing a crossword the other day and my girlfriend asked "What's the clue?" I said "Lemon and lime carbonated drink " she replied " 7up ?"

I said "Nah three across"...

Why are carbon chains with two double bonds so sad?

Because they're diene

What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel

I’ve been experimenting with iron, carbon, and aluminum to make a better toilet. I’m going to write a whitepaper on my results.

It’s titled “The FeCAl Matter.”

Oxygen tried to pick a fight with Helium

Helium didn't react at all, he simply rose above, Carbon was watching the whole thing and said, "That's very noble of you"

A walkie-talkie invited a lump of coal to dinner and a movie.

Classic example of radio-carbon dating.

(real news) Select Starbucks stores have been offering customers the option of adding carbonation to their drinks.

In response, Dunkin' Donuts is offering customers the option of having an employee make motorboat noises into their coffee.

What's the dating scene like at MIT?

Carbon-14 is the most common method, I believe.

How would a nerd date an aged super-model?

Using carbon-14.

Yo mama so fat...

her carbon footprint turned to diamond.

I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice...

He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.

The carbon dioxide levels in our atmosphere are now higher than they’ve ever been, but there are ways that we can reduce that number by half.

Divide it by 2.

Have you heard about that new app, “Cinder?”

It’s great for carbon dating!


:-)

(I just thought of this joke while walking to my car. I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m not the first to come up with it. Apologies, if it’s been made before.)

(In case it isn’t obvious, it’s a play on the *dating* app, “Tinder.”)

After replacing their old C++ code with Google's new programming language, Tinder can now automatically detect its users' age

This is because it's a Carbon dating app.

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