Carbon and Helium were having a conversation.

Carbon: “ And then I said, Barium!”

Osmium walks into the room.

“What’s so funny guys?”

Carbon whispers to Helium: “Don’t tell him. He’s too dense to get it.”

Two guys walk into a bar and both ask for carbon dioxide. One dies. Why?

The first says, "I'll have CO!" The second one says, "I'll have CO, too!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In China, archaeologists recently discovered the oldest known statue of a penis...

...carbon dating estimates it came from the Dong Dynasty.

I had to disable the Carbon Monoxide detector in my house

the constant beeping made me feel sick, dizzy, and gave me a headache.

Are you made of gold titanium sulfur titanium and carbon?

Because you’re AuTiSTiC

Why did the carbon boy turn into diamond?

Peer pressure at school

What do you call an iron/carbon alloy that never gets embarrassed?

Shameless steel

The carbon monoxide detector is really annoying.

But hey, at least the kids are quiet.

in another world, there's a guy that was made out of carbon, helium, and fluorine. do you know what he is?

he's a CHeF......

I had to turn off my carbon monoxide detector.

The beeping was making me nauseous and gave me a headache.

I’ve been experimenting with iron, carbon, and aluminum to make a better toilet. I’m going to write a whitepaper on my results.

It’s titled “The FeCAl Matter.”

Damn, are you gold, titanium, sulfur, titanium, carbon?

Because you look AU TI S TI C

I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice...

He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.

A coworker made a joke about carbon monoxide poisoning…

I told him it was tasteless

If we are made of oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, and nitrogen.

And the universe is made up of primarily oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, and nitrogen.Is this why I'm so spaced out?

I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.

Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.

A new carbonated beverage mimics the sounds of a human voice when you pour it out of the bottle.

or out of the can, soda speak.

How did the diamond find a girlfriend?

Carbon dating.

Sierra appears on a trivia game show. Her first question is about carbonated beverages. Sierra knows nothing about carbonated beverages.

Needless to say, Sierra Mist that question.

I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

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I wish I knew how to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm....

It's been going off for about fifteen minutes and the noise is making really dizzy and lightheaded.

What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon?

A mole

I made a web site for older people to hook up.

It's called Carbon Dating.

Hey, did you hear that Carbon and Oxygen broke up?

Yeah, it turns out their relationship was actually pretty toxic. Personally, I never saw it.

What the difference between carbon and my ex?

She could form more than 4 bonds at the same time.

The carbon dioxide levels in our atmosphere are now higher than they’ve ever been, but there are ways that we can reduce that number by half.

Divide it by 2.

What do you call it when an organic lifeform goes out with another organic lifeform?

Carbon dating.

I saw a burglar on the CCTV of my elements shop. He was taking gold, iodine, carbon, uranium, platinum, and three bottles of nitric oxide. I said over the tannoy....

'Au, I C U! NO NO NO!'


I didn't mention the Fifth Element because it was so overpriced and overhyped.

What did carbon yell at gold while trying to get his attention?

A! U!!!

If it doesn't make sense tell it so someone out loud. Pretty sure this is my first original joke :)

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon.I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony o...

Why do all of the carbon atoms in benzene get along so well?

They learned to just let pi bonds be pi bonds.

Hydrogen and Carbon walk into a bar

Hydrogen: Hey I was thinking about starting a business about electrons and wanted to ask if you wanted to be a partner

Carbon: Sure! I’ve got nothing to lose!

When the carbon tax comes into effect, fragrance manufacturers will be upset..

..they will be paying per fume.

How long does a carbon monoxide intoxication last?

Longer than you think.

I work at a very special soft drink company.

This company makes its drink by compressing the carbonated soda in its can to fit more in the can. But working here is kinda dull, and make you hate life a bit. And only recently have I felt somewhat suicidal. I decided the best way for me to go was in the compressor. Now while you would say this is...

Antivaxxers are eco friendly!

They dramatically reduce their children's carbon footprint!

Yo Momma is so old

Yo Momma is so old, that instead of using online dating, yo dad used carbon dating in order to find her.

What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel

Where would you go if you want a tiny carbonated beverage?

To Minnesooota!

I want my favorite bar to change its name to Carbon

So when I go there, I'll be in my element.

What do drug-addicted chemists call meth?

A '1-carbon chain'

I just got an all-organic carbon capture plant for my house.

I just call it "a plant" for short.

I refused to walk across hot coals because I'm an environmentalist.

I didn't want to have a large carbon footprint.

Paedophiles should be allowed to live near schools...

It reduces their carbon footprint

The Compost Heap

I was raised in a fairly hippy-ish town. The kind of place that was always looking to do something ecologically friendly in the days before the internet made it easy to share tips and tricks on how to cut down your carbon footprint.

One of the things they did was expand the recycling collect...

My carbon monoxide alarm went off in the middle of the night

It gave me a really bad headache, so I had to turn it off.

Have you heard about the new dating site for elderly people?

They call it Carbon-14.

Don't you hate it when you're trying to have a nap and there's an alarm blaring in the background?

I just had to smash my carbon monoxide alarm to bits, it was giving me a bloody headache.

I took the batterys out of my carbon monoxide detector.

It was beeping the whole week, and my roof told me to.

Two archaeologists aren't going out with each other

They're carbon dating.

im starting to think the earth is flat.

it just doesnt seem that carbonated.

Wow, carbon dating has improved in recent years!

A museum visitor was admiring a Tyrannosaurus fossil, and asked a nearby museum employee how old it was. "That skeleton's sixty-five million and three years, two months and eighteen days old," the employee replied.

"How can you know it that well?" she asked.

"Well, when I started wor...

Are you a Carbon sample?

Because I want to *date* you.

Why does carbon monoxide smell like

fjbsjko

Why are carbon chains with two double bonds so sad?

Because they're diene

A sad man walks into a Coca-Cola carbonation factory...

But he leaves because it was just soda pressing.

Why did the archaeologist’s wife divorce him?

He was carbon-dating behind her back

Biochemistry joke- I once went carbon dating...

I was arrested because carbon was only 14

What did the student say after learning all the symbols on the periodic table?

“Fluorine-Uranium-Carbon-Potassium this! Never again!”

What is the relationship between an old fossil and a paleontologist called?

Carbon Dating

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This should be a standard response to chemistry jokes

Flourine Uranium Carbon Potassium

Yttrium Oxygen Uranium

Arsenic Sulphur Tungsten Iodine Phosphorus Einsteinium

:)

What did....

What did iodine-131 say to carbon-14?





I'm already tracer

I finally found an app for my senior love life!!

It's called Carbon Dating <3

People make fun of anti-vaxx people but you gotta admit

They do reduce carbon emissions

1 My kid’s made up Star Wars joke: What does Darth Vader exhale?

Carbon Darkside

The power of Pepsi

So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the c...

(real news) Select Starbucks stores have been offering customers the option of adding carbonation to their drinks.

In response, Dunkin' Donuts is offering customers the option of having an employee make motorboat noises into their coffee.

Have you heard about that new app, “Cinder?”

It’s great for carbon dating!


:-)

(I just thought of this joke while walking to my car. I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m not the first to come up with it. Apologies, if it’s been made before.)

(In case it isn’t obvious, it’s a play on the *dating* app, “Tinder.”)

I tried to ask Google for some good chemistry jokes.

But it just kept returning "Fluorine Uranium Carbon Potassium Oxygen Fluorine Fluorine."

My dad died in front of me

Before he died, he scribbled me a note. They were his last words. I decided not to open it till I was ready. A year later, I opened it and this is what is said, "You are stepping on my oxygen line".

Edit: Holy macaroni with a side of O2, thank you so much for 190 votes!!!

Edit 2: My, m...

I'm making an app like Tinder, but exclusively for paleontologists

I'm calling it "Carbon Dating"

This is a little science joke my friend told me.

A 99kg man asks his friend “if I eat 1kg of nachos, does that make me 1%nacho.?” The friend replied to that
“Well the human body is made up of sodium, oxygen, carbon and hydrogen. So that practically makes us 100% NaCHO”

What is satan's favourite chemical?

Carbon. because it has 6 protons 6 neutrons and 6 electrons

Why were Jim and Martha figuring out how old the fossil was, on their first date?

Because they were Carbon Dating.

Oxygen tried to pick a fight with Helium

Helium didn't react at all, he simply rose above, Carbon was watching the whole thing and said, "That's very noble of you"

Why can't creationists ever get girls in rock bands?

They aren't very good at carbon dating.

I came up with a science joke...

Why are people with diamond shoes so bad for the environment?

They have a big carbon footprint...

How does a necrophiliac date a girl?

He uses the carbon-14 method.

Yo mama so fat...

her carbon footprint turned to diamond.

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...

I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.

There once was a young engineer...

There once was a young engineer, who after having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place. He searched the surrounding country and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. He and his family built a cabin and began spending time there ev...

What chemical compound prevails over constant negative press?

Carbon monoxide vanadium di-iron

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