Carbon and Helium were having a conversation.

Carbon: “ And then I said, Barium!”

Osmium walks into the room.

“What’s so funny guys?”

Carbon whispers to Helium: “Don’t tell him. He’s too dense to get it.”

I had to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me dizzy

I’ve been experimenting with iron, carbon, and aluminum to make a better toilet. I’m going to write a whitepaper on my results.

It’s titled “The FeCAl Matter.”

in another world, there's a guy that was made out of carbon, helium, and fluorine. do you know what he is?

he's a CHeF......

Damn, are you gold, titanium, sulfur, titanium, carbon?

Because you look AU TI S TI C

What do you call an iron/carbon alloy that never gets embarrassed?

Shameless steel

The carbon monoxide detector is really annoying.

But hey, at least the kids are quiet.

Have you heard about that new app, “Cinder?”

It’s great for carbon dating!


:-)

(I just thought of this joke while walking to my car. I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m not the first to come up with it. Apologies, if it’s been made before.)

(In case it isn’t obvious, it’s a play on the *dating* app, “Tinder.”)

Why did the carbon boy turn into diamond?

Peer pressure at school

How long does a carbon monoxide intoxication last?

Longer than you think.

Are you made of Gold, Titanium, Sulfur, and Carbon?

Because you are Au.Ti.S.Ti.C

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Most creatures on earth are carbon based, but you might be made of Einsteinium

You dense motherfucker.

What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel

I wish I knew how to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm....

It's been going off for about fifteen minutes and the noise is making really dizzy and lightheaded.

I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

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A coworker made a joke about carbon monoxide poisoning…

I told him it was tasteless

What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon?

A mole

Hydrogen and Carbon walk into a bar

Hydrogen: Hey I was thinking about starting a business about electrons and wanted to ask if you wanted to be a partner

Carbon: Sure! I’ve got nothing to lose!

Some people are into carbon dating.

It's not for me. I dated carbon once, turns out they made everything up.

Why do all of the carbon atoms in benzene get along so well?

They learned to just let pi bonds be pi bonds.

When the carbon tax comes into effect, fragrance manufacturers will be upset..

..they will be paying per fume.

My carbon monoxide alarm went off in the middle of the night

It gave me a really bad headache, so I had to turn it off.

I just got an all-organic carbon capture plant for my house.

I just call it "a plant" for short.

What the difference between carbon and my ex?

She could form more than 4 bonds at the same time.

You seem to be a Molybdenum Thorium Erbium Fluorine Uranium Carbon Potassium Erbium

Because you're a real Mo Th Er F U C K Er

Hey, did you hear that Carbon and Oxygen broke up?

Yeah, it turns out their relationship was actually pretty toxic. Personally, I never saw it.

What did carbon yell at gold while trying to get his attention?

A! U!!!

If it doesn't make sense tell it so someone out loud. Pretty sure this is my first original joke :)

I changed all my light switches to carbon fiber ones

They make the rooms lighter

I saw a burglar on the CCTV of my elements shop. He was taking gold, iodine, carbon, uranium, platinum, and three bottles of nitric oxide. I said over the tannoy....

'Au, I C U! NO NO NO!'


I didn't mention the Fifth Element because it was so overpriced and overhyped.

I want my favorite bar to change its name to Carbon

So when I go there, I'll be in my element.

Why does carbon monoxide smell like

fjbsjko

Are you a Carbon sample?

Because I want to *date* you.

Antivaxxers are eco friendly!

They dramatically reduce their children's carbon footprint!

Wow, carbon dating has improved in recent years!

A museum visitor was admiring a Tyrannosaurus fossil, and asked a nearby museum employee how old it was. "That skeleton's sixty-five million and three years, two months and eighteen days old," the employee replied.

"How can you know it that well?" she asked.

"Well, when I started wor...

Why are carbon chains with two double bonds so sad?

Because they're diene

What's the dating scene like at MIT?

Carbon-14 is the most common method, I believe.

Don't you hate it when you're trying to have a nap and there's an alarm blaring in the background?

I just had to smash my carbon monoxide alarm to bits, it was giving me a bloody headache.

Biochemistry joke- I once went carbon dating...

I was arrested because carbon was only 14

There once was a young engineer,

who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place.

He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, an...

Paedophiles should be allowed to live near schools...

It reduces their carbon footprint

Me and my new girlfriend are both scientists, archaeologists to be exact...

.. we're carbon, dating.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This should be a standard response to chemistry jokes

Flourine Uranium Carbon Potassium

Yttrium Oxygen Uranium

Arsenic Sulphur Tungsten Iodine Phosphorus Einsteinium

:)

What did the student say after learning all the symbols on the periodic table?

“Fluorine-Uranium-Carbon-Potassium this! Never again!”

What is the relationship between an old fossil and a paleontologist called?

Carbon Dating

I'm making an app like Tinder, but exclusively for paleontologists

I'm calling it "Carbon Dating"

What did....

What did iodine-131 say to carbon-14?





I'm already tracer

How do atoms find a partner to bond with?

Through carbon dating

I finally found an app for my senior love life!!

It's called Carbon Dating <3

People make fun of anti-vaxx people but you gotta admit

They do reduce carbon emissions

How does a necrophiliac date a girl?

He uses the carbon-14 method.

I tried to ask Google for some good chemistry jokes.

But it just kept returning "Fluorine Uranium Carbon Potassium Oxygen Fluorine Fluorine."

1 My kid’s made up Star Wars joke: What does Darth Vader exhale?

Carbon Darkside

Why were Jim and Martha figuring out how old the fossil was, on their first date?

Because they were Carbon Dating.

What is satan's favourite chemical?

Carbon. because it has 6 protons 6 neutrons and 6 electrons

Why can't creationists ever get girls in rock bands?

They aren't very good at carbon dating.

This is a little science joke my friend told me.

A 99kg man asks his friend “if I eat 1kg of nachos, does that make me 1%nacho.?” The friend replied to that
“Well the human body is made up of sodium, oxygen, carbon and hydrogen. So that practically makes us 100% NaCHO”

Oxygen tried to pick a fight with Helium

Helium didn't react at all, he simply rose above, Carbon was watching the whole thing and said, "That's very noble of you"

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...

I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors...

My dad died in front of me

Before he died, he scribbled me a note. They were his last words. I decided not to open it till I was ready. A year later, I opened it and this is what is said, "You are stepping on my oxygen line".

Edit: Holy macaroni with a side of O2, thank you so much for 190 votes!!!

Edit 2: My, m...

I came up with a science joke...

Why are people with diamond shoes so bad for the environment?

They have a big carbon footprint...

The World's Most Politically Correct Joke

THE WORLD'S MOST POLITICALLY CORRECT JOKE

A Christian, a Jew, a Hindu, a Mormon, a Sikh, a Hare Krishna, a Buddhist, a Pagan, an Atheist, a 3rd wave feminist, a non-binary gender neutral otherkin, a transgender Black Lives Matter activist, a Jehovah's Witness and a Muslim walk into a bar that...

Yo mama so fat...

her carbon footprint turned to diamond.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A List of AP Botany Puns

Last semester I dicked around in AP Botany instead of listening to some stupid lecture senior year and came up with an extensive list of bad botanical puns and play on words. Enjoy!

How do trees hook up when they’re looking to have fun
Timber

What is a trees favorite social media we...

Why did the climate scientist cross the road?

To analyze the chicken´s carbon footprint.

What do you call a match-making service for realy old people?

"Carbon-Dating"

Did you hear about the guy who has an affinity for burn victims?

I guess you could say he's into carbon dating

What's Harvey Price's favourite gas?

Carbon Mongoxide

What's the difference between a duck and a curling iron?

A duck is a carbon-based life form while a curling iron is an inanimate appliance

Why did the archaeologist ask a diamond out to dinner?

Because of his enthusiasm for Carbon-Dating.

Did you hear they discovered a soda cavemen drank?

It's a carbon dated beverage...

Good jokes are good

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Apparently some people on Tumblr say they're sexually attracted to elements on the periodic table.

That's not really my thing ... except for that time in college when I experimented with carbon dating.

What do you call two diamonds in a healthy relationship?

Carbon dating

Some (eye-rolling) Chemistry Pick-up Lines for the Valentine's season

* Are you made of Carbon? Because it feels like my world revolves around you.
* You're my Lithium.
* Are you an anion? Because I'm positive we're meant to be together.
* My heart is made of Gallium. It melts when you're close to me.
* Are you Fluorine? Because i can't seem to get myself ...

You know you're getting old when you go to a new doctor...

...and part of the new patient exam is carbon dating.