I was peeing in the pool and the lifeguard blew his whistle.

Scared me so bad I almost fell in.

Why did the lifeguard throw the elephants out of the swimming pool?

They wouldn't keep their trunks up.

Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

He was too far out, man.

Why didn’t the lifeguard rescue the hippie?

Because he was faaaaar out maaaaaaan....

I used to work as a lifeguard

Until some blue kid got me fired.

What do a lifeguard and a sub moderator have in common?

Most of them are 16 and mad with power.

A lifeguard asks a mother to scold her son for urinating in the public pool.

“It’s perfectly natural,” the mother says, “for young children to urinate in the pool. Plenty of children at this pool do it. I don’t see why my son doing it is such a big deal.”



The lifeguard pulls down his sunglasses and replies, “Well, all the other kids aren’t doing it off the div...

I was taking a dip in the local pool, and the lifeguard said "Hey! What have you got"?

"Hummus".

A girl goes out surfing but does not return home...

...sick with worry, her parents ask for help and the lifeguard service heads out to find her. Soon, the parents are informed over the phone by an excited lifeguard. "We have bad news, good news, and really good news!" The parent's tears are instantly dried and smiles spread across their faces but al...

Three potatoes decide to go to the swimming pool.

The first potato goes to the lowest diving board, does a simple forward flip, and lands flawlessly in the water, before coming back up for air, and swims off.

The second potato climbs to the next diving board, does a more intricate double-backflip in the air, and lands feet-first into the wat...

What do Lifeguards and Rick and Morty's Space cruiser have in common?

Keep Summer Safe

A Catholic priest is drowning in the Ocean.

A Catholic priest is drowning in the Ocean. A lifeguard swims past and asks the priest: "Do you need help?"
Priest replies: "Don't worry. God will save me."
A few minutes go by and another life guard swims past. He says: "Here, grab my hand I can help you get back to shore"
Priest rep...

I tried to sneak a quick pee in the public pool today but I think the lifeguard saw me.

He blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.

9 people go to a beach

A group of nine people went to a beach, they were confused to see the lifeguard wearing a weird, torn clothing which had the word "Time" written on it.


The nine people thought it was a good idea to jump into the water and swim. They played there for a while until it was evening, but sudd...

I nearly drowned in the swimming pool today.

There was a really fit lifeguard who kept smiling at me so I thought I would do something to impress her.







So I took off my armbands

The Ool

Lifeguard: welcome to the Ool.

Kid: why’s it called the “Ool?”

Lifeguard: because there is no P in the pool.

(Sorry if this is unoriginal, my friend told this to me)

Some lifeguard kicked me out of the pool for peeing in it. I told him everyone does it.

He told me not off the diving board

Guy goes to the beach during storm and nearly drowns...

Lifeguard rescues him and says "the hell were you thinking?!"

Guy says "they were *waving* me in."

A few minutes ago while I was lifeguarding, an old lady told me that I looked like a lion pacing back and forth.

Now I'm nervous for my dentist appointment on Thursday.

Overheard at the Community Swimming Pool

Lifeguard: Kowalski, you are officially banned from the pool.

Kowalski: Why is that?

Lifeguard: Because you pee in the pool.

Kowalski: But I'm not the only one.

Lifeguard: You are the only one who does it from the diving board.

Today I saw someone waving but I wasn’t sure if they were waving at me or someone behind me.

I’m a terrible lifeguard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lifeguard sees a physically handicapped child come up to the public pool.

So the lifeguard gets ready to jump in and make a rescue as he sees the kid clumsily put down his towel to go for a swim.


As soon as the handicapped boy touches the water, he starts swimming with athletic ease. Going one lap crawl, the other butterfly, back and forth , back and forth.
...

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

The local mental asylum is running out of space

So the asylum director concocted a way to release the least crazy residents back into the population.

He drained the swimming pool and observed which residents went in to swim. Those who jumped into the empty swimming pool were obviously not ready to be discharged.

After about 15 min ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sexy girl with no arms and no legs goes to the pool...

She was laying on her towel getting a tan when a stud of a lifeguard walks by, they immediately catch each other's attention...

The girl says to the lifeguard, "I've never been hugged by a guy like you before..."

The lifeguard then picks her up and hugs her.

Then the y...

Why aren’t lifeguards good at saving hippies?

Because they’re too far out.

I had a job interview for a lifeguard position and they asked me what my biggest strength was. So I took a deep breath...

Held it for four minutes and they gave me the job.

A man is trying to pickup a woman at the beach.

And he’s not having too much luck. He sees that the lifeguard is very successful with charming the ladies, so he goes up to the lifeguard and asks, “what’s your secret?”

The lifeguard takes pity on him, so he tells him, “look, don’t tell anyone, but I take a potato and place it into my swimsu...

A guy is at the beach walking down and is trying to pick up girls but isn’t having any luck.

So he asks the lifeguard for advice. Lifeguard says “go to the swim shop and buy a speedo 2 sizes too small, then go to the store and buy a potato and put it in there, works every time” so the guy does so and starts strutting his stuff down the beach and he is getting looks from EVERYONE, but they’r...

Grown-ups fooled us by making us think we would be superheroes on adulthood

Firefighter, Broker, Waterboy, Machinist, Driller, Embalmer, Goldsmith, Hydrologist, Lifeguard, Naturopath

A blonde has achy feet, so her doctor recommends she soak them in sea water twice a day.

She's never been to the beach before, so she's glad to have a good excuse to go there.

She gets a hotel room near the beach and takes two empty buckets down to the shore. There's a lifeguard up on the stand, so she asks him, "How much for two bucketfuls of your sea water?"

Happy to mak...

Obama goes on vacation to South Carolina and goes for an ocean swim...

And begins to drown! A young lifeguard swims out and rescues him, pulling him back to shore.

"Thank you so much for saving me young lady. Please, tell me what I can do to repay you."

"Aw shucks, I don't need nuthin', sir, it's just ma job!" She says.

"Listen, I'm the President o...

The German Lifeguard

A group of friends were on a boat in Munich when the hull was breached.

They quickly called for the German Life Guard yelling "Help we're sinking!"


The Life Guard asked "Ja, vat are you sinking about?"

I got kicked out of a pool for peeing in it

The lifeguard started yelling, telling me to stop.

"But all the little kids do it too!" I yelled back.

"But not while standing on the diving board!"

Impressing Chicks On The Beach

A scrawy guy has a hard time attracting women on the beach....so he goes to the life guard and asks for advice and the lifeguard tells him "Next time...wear a speedo 2 sizes small and drop a potato inside" the guy decides to follow the advice

The next day...the scrawny guy comes back and all...

A lifeguard blows his whistle at a little boy and asks him to come over...

He says to the boy, "Hey, you're not allowed to pee in the pool."

"That's not fair!" says the boy, "There must be dozens of people peeing in the pool every day! Why do you gotta pick on me?"

The lifeguard says, "Well most people don't do it off the diving board."

I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable

The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.

I've been watching you urinate in the pool..

Lifeguard: I’ve been watching you, Mr. Jones, and you’ll have to stop urinating in the pool.
Mr. Jones: But everybody urinates in the pool.
Lifeguard: From the diving board?

One day John decided to go swimming.

He's at the pool, enjoying himself, when the lifeguard approaches and says "John, it's time for you to leave the swimming pool".

John: "Why, I just got here a little while ago, I'm enjoying myself, why do I have to leave?".

Lifeguard: "Because you're peeing in the swimming pool".
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a young couple having sex in the pool.

I walked up to the lifeguard and said, "Aren't you going to do anything?"

He said, "I might have a wank if you leave me alone."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you’re 60 who cares?

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl with no arms and legs goes to the beach

A girl with no arms and no legs goes to the beach with her mother. While they are sitting on the beach, she starts crying and tells her mother that she's never gotten a hug before and she thinks the lifeguard is really cute and has her mother ask him if she can get a hug from him.

Mom goes u...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blonde Race

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all lifeguards. Each thought they were better swimmers than the others. So they decided to have a race down across the town lake. To make the race fair it was decided that everyone was to use the breaststroke.
The lake was huge so it took the redhead, obv...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kid by the pool

A kid starts peeing in the pool

*lifeguard*: "Hey kid! stop pissing in the pool!"


*kid*: "why?? everyone else do it too!"


*lifeguard*: "not from the 3 meter diving board!"

Local Drowning

A hippie drowned at the local beach last night. When asked why the free spirit was unable to be save before his tragic death, a lifeguard commented "He was too far out, man."

Little Jimmy at the Pool

Jennifer the lifeguard tells Jimmy to stop peeing in the pool. Little 6 year old Jimmy replies that everbody pees in the pool. Jennifer says that yes people do, but not from the diving board...

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