Lifeguard Jokes

A Catholic priest is drowning in the Ocean. A lifeguard swims past and asks the priest: "Do you need help?"
Priest replies: "Don't worry. God will save me."
A few minutes go by and another life guard swims past. He says: "Here, grab my hand I can help you get back to shore"
Priest rep... read more

A scrawy guy has a hard time attracting women on the beach....so he goes to the life guard and asks for advice and the lifeguard tells him "Next time...wear a speedo 2 sizes small and drop a potato inside" the guy decides to follow the advice

The next day...the scrawny guy comes back and all... read more

He was too far-out.

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an... read more

A good buoy

They wouldn't keep their trunks up.

I was so frightened, I almost fell in.

someone was swimming and suddenly started yelling, help, shark! Help, shark! I just had to laugh. I knew that shark wasn't going to help them.

In other news, I just lost my job as a lifeguard.

All summer the young man would go to the neighborhood pool. In the mornings he would teach children of all ages pool safety and how to swim. In the afternoons he sat up in the big chair and watched swimmers.

Soon summer led to fall. The pool closed. The young man returned to school in the cit... read more

“It’s perfectly natural,” the mother says, “for young children to urinate in the pool. Plenty of children at this pool do it. I don’t see why my son doing it is such a big deal.”



The lifeguard pulls down his sunglasses and replies, “Well, all the other kids aren’t doing it off the div... read more

Lifeguard: welcome to the Ool.

Kid: why’s it called the “Ool?”

Lifeguard: because there is no P in the pool.

(Sorry if this is unoriginal, my friend told this to me)

Until this blue kid got me fired.

A lifeguard walks into a bar. The bartender says, "hey fella, you're in the wrong place. These people aren't in any danger. They're just drowning their sorrows."

A group of friends were on a boat in Munich when the hull was breached.

They quickly called for the German Life Guard yelling "Help we're sinking!"


The Life Guard asked "Ja, vat are you sinking about?"

Most of them are 16 and mad with power.

Keep Summer Safe

In case one of the swimmers has a stroke.

and couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls....So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style.

Your best bet is to grab you... read more

Cause he was just too far out, man.

"What have you got there?"



"Hummus", I replied.

He told me not off the diving board

Now I'm nervous for my dentist appointment on Thursday.

Anyways, onto more tragic news, I lost my job as a lifeguard.

Grateful, the man offers him an award. He reaches in a flask and pours out some goop.

"Thank you but what is this?"

"Your whale cum."

Because they’re too far out.

A ship is sinking and the passengers are rushing to rescue boats to leave the shipwreck. On the ship there is a priest who refuses to get on the boats.



The lifeguard says "get on the boat priest, we have to go".


The priest says "No, god will save me, give my seat to someone... read more

Today I saw someone waving but I wasn't sure if they were waving at me or someone behind me.

I'm a terrible lifeguard.

___


xpost- r/sickipedia

Held it for four minutes and they gave me the job.

I told the lifeguard “But everyone pees in the pool!”

He said, “Yeah, but not from the high-dive.”

Lifeguard: I’ve been watching you, Mr. Jones, and you’ll have to stop urinating in the pool.
Mr. Jones: But everybody urinates in the pool.
Lifeguard: From the diving board?

so I decided that I wasn't bothered to go to the toilet

And I figured that I was at the deep end so no one would see

So I peed right then and there

And the lifeguard shouted "HEY!"

when the lifeguard shouted that I nearly fell in the pool.

The first potato goes to the lowest diving board, does a simple forward flip, and lands flawlessly in the water, before coming back up for air, and swims off.

The second potato climbs to the next diving board, does a more intricate double-backflip in the air, and lands feet-first into the wat... read more

The other day i was at the beach when i saw a guy in the sea flailing about and shouting "help shark help shark"

i thought its nice that he is asking the shark for help but he should probably call the lifeguard instead

She's never been to the beach before, so she's glad to have a good excuse to go there.

She gets a hotel room near the beach and takes two empty buckets down to the shore. There's a lifeguard up on the stand, so she asks him, "How much for two bucketfuls of your sea water?"

Happy to mak... read more

He says to the boy, "Hey, you're not allowed to pee in the pool."

"That's not fair!" says the boy, "There must be dozens of people peeing in the pool every day! Why do you gotta pick on me?"

The lifeguard says, "Well most people don't do it off the diving board."

And begins to drown! A young lifeguard swims out and rescues him, pulling him back to shore.

"Thank you so much for saving me young lady. Please, tell me what I can do to repay you."

"Aw shucks, I don't need nuthin', sir, it's just ma job!" She says.

"Listen, I'm the President o... read more

There was a really fit lifeguard who kept smiling at me so I thought I would do something to impress her.







So I took off my armbands

A lifeguard walks up and quietly says "Mr. Green there have been some complaints by the other guests."

Mr. Green puts down his paper. "Well I'm sure there isn't much of an issue."

The lifeguard continues, "it appears someone has been peeing in the pool."

"Everyone pees in the po... read more

And he’s not having too much luck. He sees that the lifeguard is very successful with charming the ladies, so he goes up to the lifeguard and asks, “what’s your secret?”

The lifeguard takes pity on him, so he tells him, “look, don’t tell anyone, but I take a potato and place it into my swimsu... read more

So he asks the lifeguard for advice. Lifeguard says “go to the swim shop and buy a speedo 2 sizes too small, then go to the store and buy a potato and put it in there, works every time” so the guy does so and starts strutting his stuff down the beach and he is getting looks from EVERYONE, but they’r... read more

A guy and his buddy are on the beach trying to pick up girls. The guy walks up and down the beach in his bathing suit and nothing. Nobody looks. He comes back to his friend and the friend says "try a speedo". So he walks up and down the beach in his speedo. Nothing. The girls aren't reacting. So his... read more

We were down the shallow end when I had the sudden urge to pee. I slowly and inconspicuously made my way up to the deep end to relieve myself. As I'm about halfway through the lifeguard noticed what I was doing. He blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in.

The lifeguard started yelling, telling me to stop.

"But all the little kids do it too!" I yelled back.

"But not while standing on the diving board!"

She went to the beach and the lifeguard said “madam, could you please leave the beach, the tides waiting to come in”

Lifeguard rescues him and says "the hell were you thinking?!"

Guy says "they were *waving* me in."

The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.

A lifeguard reprimand a kid:
- Boy! Stop peeing in the pool!
- But everyone does!
- I know, but not from the diving board!

...sick with worry, her parents ask for help and the lifeguard service heads out to find her. Soon, the parents are informed over the phone by an excited lifeguard. "We have bad news, good news, and really good news!" The parent's tears are instantly dried and smiles spread across their faces but al... read more