UPJOKE
livelyvitallifeactiveliveviabledeadsurviveearthvitalityawakealertanimatedrevivedliving

Steve Irwin would still be alive today if he put on sunscreen

It protects you from harmful rays

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and be glad that you're alive?

Apparently, I did and won’t be allowed on Hawaiian Airlines again...

A doctor was accused of murdering someone by performing an autopsy while the patient was still alive

During the court case, the attorney looked at the doctor and said, “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”

The doctor said no

“Did you check for breathing?”

The doctor again said no.

The attorney said, “so then, is it at all possible, that t...

What would Amy Winehouse be doing if she were alive today?

Scratching at the lid of her coffin.



Too soon?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Hellen Keller was alive, she abstained from sex…

She couldn’t see herself doing something like that.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not pooping your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 30, success is having money...

At age 40, success is having money.

At age 55, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not pooping your pants.

At age 100, success is being alive.

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its mea...

If Elvis Presley was alive today, what do you think he’d be doing right now?

Scratching at the coffin lid, screaming “Let me out!”

Did you hear about the computer nerd who was eaten alive by a giant snake?

Now he's programming in python.

Keep that spark alive

My wife asked me "Why don't you treat me like you did when we started dating?"
So I took her out to a nice dinner and then dropped her off at her parents' house.

After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.

He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remember: Having sex on regular basis helps keep your memory alive

Remember: Having sex on regular basis helps keep your memory alive

I wish you all a great 2017.

The last man alive will be Mexican

He'll be the only Juan left

Bee Gees songs are useful for first aid. Do chest compressions to the rhythm of Staying Alive.

If the CPR fails, it’s time to sing For Whom The Bell Tolls.

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

Suddenly, a faint moaning is heard from the casket. The casket is opened, and it is found that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.

They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walk...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter announces that due to overcrowding, only extremely gruesome deaths will be admitted into heaven today, sorry for any inconvenience

The first man comes up and Pete says, "How did you die?"

"Well, I's been suspicious that me wife been cheating on me, so I comes home early from work today to catch her, I does. She acts all innocent, she does. She says, 'Go ahead, search the apartment if that will make you feel better,' she ...

If Christ were alive today, he'd have a huge retirement account

because Jesus saves.

If Jesus were alive today what kinda of car would he drive?

a Christler!

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted twenty dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.


"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.


"...

Two Ghosts Walk Into A Bar

Ghost 1: Hey bro, you new here?


Ghost 2: Yeah.


Ghost 1: So, how did you die?


Ghost 2: I got locked in a fridge. At first I was still fine, but then I slowly suffocated and froze to death.


Ghost 1: Damn that's terrible. Sorry to hear that.


Ghost ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found a homeless girl behind a dumpster once

So I took her home and gave her a bath. She was pretty and one thing led to another we started having sex.

At one point we were shagging so hard the noises she was making, you would of thought she was still alive.

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

First night and the instructor says "Right guys. First night out in the woods! Your first test is to go catch your dinner. I want each team to go out and catch a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grandpa was talking to his Grandson.

Grandpa: "What has 4 legs but isn't alive?"

Grandson: " A chair, ha!! ha!!! nice try Gramps.."

Grandpa: "It's your dog Billy, I backed over the little bastard in the driveway"

An escaped convict breaks into a couple’s home

The couple is being held at gunpoint in their kitchen when the convict grabs the wife and whispers intently in her ear before letting her go.
The husband pulls her in close and says to her “look, this man has been locked up for who knows how long, hasn’t seen a woman in years. Maybe just let him ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John and Jack go hiking in the woods

Two best friends, John and Jack, decide to go for a hike in the woods. Halfway into their hike, Jack has to pee and goes behind a tree. After a few moments John hears Jack screaming his head off and rushes to go help him.

John finds Jack laying on the ground grabbing his crotch screaming, wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.

Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back,

wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump is president. I think if George Washington were alive today, he'd look around and say, "What the fuck is going on? "

"How am I still alive?"

3 Alien leaders are discussing the fate of humanity

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to ...

What do you ask a lawyer buried alive up to his neck in sand?

"Run out of sand, did they?"

There are children being born who’s parents weren’t alive when Shrek was released in 2001

It’s crazy how the years start coming and they simply don’t stop coming

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A professional gambler dies and goes to Heaven.

A gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder.....

Two women die and are awaiting judgment

- So, says the first one, what led you here ?

- Well, I froze to death.

- That must be painful! Sorry to hear that.

- It's okay, your mind goes numb after a while. What about you ?

- I suspected my husband of cheating so I got back home early. I checked the bedroom lookin...

Today I saw the hottest girl alive!

She had a running fever of 42 C (\~108 F) and still breathing. Tough chick to fry.

Two women who recently died were waiting at the Gates of Heaven

Woman 1: “So, how did you die?”

Woman 2: “I froze to death.”

Woman 1: “Wow, that must’ve been so painful. I’m so sorry.”

Woman 2: “It was, but after a while you go numb & don’t feel as much. How did you die?”

Woman 1: “Well, I thought my husband was cheating on me. So...

Jesus and Moses

Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach recalling old times. Jesus said, "Moses, do you remember the time you spoke to the burning bush?" Moses replied, "Of course! That was when God spoke to me and it turned my life around. That's where I learned my life's mission to free God's people from Pha...

Why can’t Professor Snape be a herbology teacher?

He can’t keep the lilies alive!

When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive

I am just lucky my brother told me about it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ask Reddit be like "If you could have sex with any celebrity, dead or alive, who would it be?"

I'd choose alive. Weirdo.

A man dies and goes to hell

Because all the other torture chambers are full, the Devil puts him to hard labor.

A few hours pass, and the Devil returns to see how the torture is going. But the man is smiling and hardly working a sweat.

"Why haven't you given up yet? It's been at least 6 hours." The Devil asks him....

Dark humor xD

A husband got called into a hospital. His wife's just had a really bad car accident... He's pacing nervously in waiting hall expecting the doctor to come out of the OR. Finally the doctor comes out.

- 'How is she, doctor?'
- 'Well, she's alive... and that's good news. But there is some bad...

Not so fast…

The captain of a navy vessel is on the bridge one day when the bosun enters and asks to use the PA system. The captain agrees and the bosun gets on the PA and barks out “Attention seaman first class Johnson! Your mother is dead!! That is all!”

The Captain is mortified and grabs hold of the bo...

Last night I was walking home and decided to take a shortcut past the cemetery…

When a group of spiritualists walked up to me and explained that they were too afraid to walk past the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk along with me.Then I told them “I understand, I also used to be freaked out too when I was alive”.

I’ve never seen anyone run that fast!

My great grandma couldn't stop giggling at our large family barbecue...

I asked her what she found so funny?

"Everyone here is alive, because I got laid." she said.

Two men are talking about their wifes

Man 1: Im so lucky. My wife is an angel

Man 2: Lucky. Mines still alive

If you think nobody cares you are alive

Try missing a couple of payments.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man donates blood to his wife.

In a life or death situation a man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.

However, a few months later they get divorced. At the divorce hearing they man demands his blood back.

After receiving a tampon to the face, he yells angrily, "What the fuck was that?!"

To which the wife ...

Apparently there's a necrophiliac on the loose.

Look alive, people

World cup for firefighters

There was this world cup for firefighters(WCF) and the ref's would set a buliding on fire,and the team that stops the fire the fastest wins.

First up were the Germans.They come with some ladders and pipes filled with water.They stop the within 30 min.

Second are the Americans.Again wit...

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in f...

Alan Turing wasn't accepted when he was alive

And now, when he's going to be on the new £50 note, won't be accepted in death either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms.

Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms. He passes out and wakes up at the pearly gates of heaven.

St Peter greets him and explains that he's actually died from eating some bad shrooms. However, if he makes dinner for Jesus and his 12 disciples *AND* they happen to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(An old joke I heard. So sorry if I mess up with the wording.) A dead body was found floating in the river.

..The police recovered it, and found a wallet with the body. They found out that the wallet belonged to Mr. Smith. But they still weren't sure if the dead body was of Mr. Smith or not.

So they did some investigation and found out about the twin brothers Mark and Harry, who were very close fri...

What do you call a personal message that motivates one to feel alive and do things?

Carpe DM

"Dead or alive, you're coming with me."

Great movie quote, terrible pickup line…

What do you get when you cross a bear and a lion?

eaten alive.

A man goes to a bar and orders three pints...

The bartender serves them and the man sits down and proceeds to drink one after the other until all three are gone. He returns the bar and orders three more, drinks them, and then returns to the bar once more...

The bartender says, "you know they'll stay colder and fresher if you order them o...

Pig with one wooden leg

A travelling salesman drove past a farm one day and noticed a pig with one wooden leg. He didn't think much of it until a week later, driving by the same farm, the pig had two wooden legs. The third week, the pig had three wooden legs, and finally, after seeing the pig the fourth week with four wood...

When Mozart was alive, he was composing. Now that he's dead,

He's decomposing

There are two types of people in this world: Those who are smarter than the dumbest person alive...

and you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

Two husbands were talking among themselves.

The first one said proudly, "My wife's an angel."

To which the second one replied, "You are lucky, mine is still alive."

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary.

If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Dies And Goes To Hell

He begins to cry.


Devil: why are you crying?


Man: I've been damned for all eternity.


Devil: oh it's not that bad, we spend our days living out life's sins. Do you like smoking?


Man: I love smoking.


Devil: well every Monday we smoke all sorts of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of Bees produce milk?

There is no creature for which this is more true than the honey bee. Amazingly, queen bees are genetically exactly identical to worker bees. But they’re fed a different diet from worker bees their whole lives, from the time they are tiny larvae, until the day they die. This different meal plan cause...

why did schrodinger want a closed coffin?

So he could have equal chance of being alive or dead

Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes

The first was filled with beer, the second with wine, the third with whiskey, and the last with water.

The next day, the teacher shows the results:

- Worm in beer: dead
- Worm in wine: dead
- Worm in whiskey: dead
- Worm in water: alive

The teacher asks, "Wh...

When my grandpa died he farted and we thought he was still alive...

...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I'm the strongest man alive"

said the drunk man to the bartender.

"Oh really? Well we actually have our own local strongman competition, if you're interested. Keep in mind, it's a bit obscure. You up for it?"

"Psh. I can do anything," he slurs.

"Okay. Your first test is behind that door. You need to hogtie...

Schrodinger: "We won't know the cat is dead or alive until we open the box."

The box :"Meow."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Ladies talking in heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: ; It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What ab...

Deep in the arctic, a fortress sits. This is Legion Prison, where all Supervillains are jailed.

And the Warden is having a very difficult time. In the beginning, it wasn’t so hard. A handful of villains can’t get up to too much trouble without their tools and weapon.

But as the prison filled up, things began to get more difficult.

MechaSlayer kept trying to fight Robo-Con.
...

A lady finds out what a reference said about to her potential employer and is upset by it.

She calls her friend and asks him: "Why did you say I was a racist?!"

The friend is confused and asks "what are you talking about?"

The lady tells him, "You know how I listed you as a reference for that job in publishing? Because I always wanted to work in publishing? Well, not alway...

A man walks into an old pub in Dublin, takes a seat at the bar and orders 3 pints.

After he is served he takes sips from them in turn and when all 3 glasses are finally empty he orders 3 more. The barkeeper, who has been watching him, has never seen such a weird style of drinking and says to the man: “You know when you leave a beer for too long it goes flat, so they would taste be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

nurses

Three nurses were working the night shift in a hospital, when they were asked to take a body to the mortuary, they take the body down in the lift and wheeled it into the mortuary, one says “I wonder who it was who died,” they carefully take the sheet off, to find the body of a man in his 20s, with a...

What kind of insurance would Moses have if he was still alive today?

Medicare Part C.

During an airplane hijacking

Terrorist: "Everyone be quiet or I'll kill you! You there, what's your name?"


She: "My name is Susan."


Terrorist: "Susan, you stay alive. My mother's name is Susan, too. And you there? What's your name?"


Him: "My name is Peter, but my friends call me Susan."

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."

Russian roulette may be the easiest game on earth

Not a single person alive has ever lost at it

A Rabbi And A Priest Get Into A Huge Car Accident

After both of them crawl out of their cars, the rabbi looks and the priest and says:

"Look at that! Both of our cars are completely demolished, and yet here we are alive and well! This must be a sign from God that we should become good friends!"

The Priest, looking at the total wrecka...

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Keep the dream alive,

hit the snooze button again.

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive?

It was a grave mistake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa used to tell me this joke when he was alive

Jokes about poop are not my number 1 favorite, but they are a solid 2!

When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive...

It’s a good thing my brother told me about it

A huge bloke decked in full hunting gear and with an entire dead wildebeest over his shoulder made his way to Nairobi airport.

As he approached the desk the airline attendant noted the wildebeest carcass but more alarmingly noticed that the suitcase he was dragging was bulging sporadically and clearly contained something large and very much alive. Feeling slightly nervous but determined to do his job the attendant challeng...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun and a priest were crossing the desert on a camel..

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it lik...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mrs. Rosentein is walking her poodle down 5th Avenue, when she ran into her good friend Gladys Goldberg

"Gladys! It's been so long since I've last seen you, where have you been?"

"Oh, Blanche, Ira and I went on safari in Africa, and let me tell you, it was horrible!"

"Horrible? How was it horrible?"

"Well, first, Ira lost our tickets, so we had to fly coach all the way from New Y...

Dad: What has 4 legs and isn’t alive?

Me: You can’t fool me dad! Its a chair!

Dad: Not this time son. Get a shovel, the dog’s dead

How is the queen still alive?

Because she has been drinking imortali-tea.

Contrary to popular belief, the fastest man alive is actually Zeus

because with his lightning powers he's Using Bolt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I may not be the sexiest man alive

But I am 2 out of those 3 things.

A cloud, a lake and a mountain are having an argument...

>A cloud, a lake and a mountain are having a big argument, they are all yelling claiming each one is the greatest form of nature alive.

>To settle this, they come up with a little challenge: Who can kill the most humans with a single action.

>The cloud goes first.

>W...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

I think if Steve Jobs was alive he would be a better president than Donald Trump

But then again that’s like comparing apples to oranges

I'm the greatest human alive!

I don't even need my megalomania medicine!

A white baby was born in a black tribe from the jungle

The news travelled fast around the tribe and soon after, the confusion led to anger. Upon his return from the jungle, the white British zoologist who was living with the tribe for the past 3 years, was quickly apprehended and brought to the tribe's chief to be urgently judged.

At first, the t...

The cool thing about being alive at this point in earth's history is...

that you might get to see how it ends.

There’s a criminal on the loose in the State of Quantum.

Wanted dead and alive.

Medusa may not be the most beautiful woman alive..

But she still gets me rock-hard

What would Princess Di being doing right now if she were alive?

Scratching at the roof of her casket.

"ITS ALIVE, ITS ALIVE!!!" - Frankenstein's dream

A necrophilliac' worst nightmare.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 1944 during a prisoner revolt at the Nazi's most infamous concentration camp, an SS guard was burned alive by prisoners in a crematorium oven.

That is what I call the Auschwitzaroo.

There was a short period of time in ancient history when offenders were not only nailed to a cross, but also burned alive

Fortunately, the practice ended and very few people were crucifried

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm. When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.

Farmer: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.

One of the police men asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?

Farmer: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".

But I couldn't believe them.

You know, these politicians. They can lie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist asks the patient, "What would you say to your dad if he were alive today?"

"Sorry for cremating you, I honestly thought you were dead", they answered.

If Michael Jackson were alive today, what would his pronouns be?

Hee/Hee

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.