Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its mea...

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At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not pooping your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 30, success is having money...

At age 40, success is having money.

At age 55, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not pooping your pants.

At age 100, success is being alive.

After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.

He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?

Their age.

If Jesus were alive today what kinda of car would he drive?

a Christler!

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Last Day Alive

My dad was ill and the doctor said this was his last day left to live. I was truly sad and was walking outside when I spotted a wishing well. Taking my chances I tossed in a quarter and wished his life would be extended. A r/jokes mod genie appeared out of the well and said " I hear your wish my son...

Today I saw the hottest girl alive!

She had a running fever of 42 C (\~108 F) and still breathing. Tough chick to fry.

If Christ were alive today, he'd have a huge retirement account

because Jesus saves.

There are children being born who’s parents weren’t alive when Shrek was released in 2001

It’s crazy how the years start coming and they simply don’t stop coming

What do you ask a lawyer buried alive up to his neck in sand?

"Run out of sand, did they?"

What would Elvis be doing if he was alive today?

Probably banging on the lid of his coffin

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Grandpa was talking to his Grandson.

Grandpa: "What has 4 legs but isn't alive?"

Grandson: " A chair ha!! ha!!! nice try Gramps.."

Grandpa: It's your dog Billy, I backed over the little bastard in the driveway"

Why is being alive so expensive?

im not even having a good time.

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and and be glad that you are still alive?

I did, apparently this girl sitting next to me is really mad at me and I won't be allowed to sleep during lectures anymore.

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Three guys are walking through the woods...

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find an old lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie (of course). It booms "You have freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars....

A man is taking a stroll through Central Park…

… when he finds a lamp on the ground. Curious, the man picks it up and rubs it - and a genie appears! The genie, however, apologizes - after millennia of wear and tear, he can only grant one wish, and what’s worse is that it can only be one of three options.

The first is to be the most attrac...

Elon Musk and Bill Gates had two children

One was Elon Gates, who became the tallest man alive. The other was Bill Musk and he smelled like money.

If you think nobody cares you are alive

Try missing a couple of payments.

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A man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.

Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back,

wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.

When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive

I am just lucky my brother told me about it

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Donald Trump is president. I think if George Washington were alive today, he'd look around and say, "What the fuck is going on? "

"How am I still alive?"

Alan Turing wasn't accepted when he was alive

And now, when he's going to be on the new £50 note, won't be accepted in death either.

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Therapist..

Therapist: "What would you say to your dad if he were alive today?"

Me: Sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead.

What do you call a personal message that motivates one to feel alive and do things?

Carpe DM

Why can’t Snape be the Herbology teacher?

He can’t keep Lillies alive.

A man walks into an old pub in Dublin, takes a seat at the bar and orders 3 pints.

After he is served he takes sips from them in turn and when all 3 glasses are finally empty he orders 3 more. The barkeeper, who has been watching him, has never seen such a weird style of drinking and says to the man: “You know when you leave a beer for too long it goes flat, so they would taste be...

Dave wanted to go hunting for the first time by himself, yet he was afraid that he would get lost.

"I've got an idea!" Dave said. "I'll take this bottle of Jack Daniels with me." (Jack Daniels is a brand alcohol for those of you that don't know.)

He goes on his hunting trip, and before you know it, he gets lost.

Days later, a search party was dispatched to find Dave, but a week pass...

A Rabbi And A Priest Get Into A Huge Car Accident

After both of them crawl out of their cars, the rabbi looks and the priest and says:

"Look at that! Both of our cars are completely demolished, and yet here we are alive and well! This must be a sign from God that we should become good friends!"

The Priest, looking at the total wrecka...

A seventy year old man goes to the doctor...

A seventy year old man is at the doctor’s office for a routine checkup. After the examination, the doctor tells the man that he is in great physical condition for his age, in fact amazing condition for a man even half his age. The doctor asks how he does it, and the patient tells him that it’s good ...

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Ask Reddit be like "If you could have sex with any celebrity, dead or alive, who would it be?"

I'd choose alive. Weirdo.

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

Who said he wanted to?

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape.   I'm up well before daylight and out golfi...

A woman drives a car

A blonde woman drives a car and hits a cop. She stops and checks if he's still alive, no vital signs. Panicked, she calls the emergency service.



W: *Hello, is this 911?*



D: *Yes, this is 911, what's your emergency?*



W: *You're now 910.*

An owl walks into a bar, and hops up on a stool. “Pull me a Guiness,” he says.

The bartender is a bit confused because he never had a talking animal in his bar before, but the owl has a little drawstring purse around his neck and puts the money down on the bar. So the bartender pulls him his Guiness, and as he’s handing it to the fellow, he notices that the owl has one wing in...

What's the difference between Elvis and a millennial's spirit?

Some people still think Elvis is alive

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm. When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.

Farmer: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.

One of the police men asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?

Farmer: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".

But I couldn't believe them.

You know, these politicians. They can lie.

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An African, an American and an Asian guy get captured by tribals in a jungle.

The tribal chief tells them, “We will only let you go alive if the combined length of your penises adds up to 20 inches.”

The African steps up to the plate, whips out his genitalia and comes out at an impressive 14 inches.

The American goes next. He unzips his pants, sticks it out and...

A gangster approaches someone that has information and draws a gun on him.

"Okay, here's how it works," the gangster said. "You have information, and I want that information. So when I ask a question, you answer truthfully, and you may walk out of here alive."

"Ok, shoot" the man at gunpoint said.

There are two types of people in this world: Those who are smarter than the dumbest person alive...

and you

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."

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"I'm the strongest man alive"

said the drunk man to the bartender.

"Oh really? Well we actually have our own local strongman competition, if you're interested. Keep in mind, it's a bit obscure. You up for it?"

"Psh. I can do anything," he slurs.

"Okay. Your first test is behind that door. You need to hogtie...

When Mozart was alive, he was composing. Now that he's dead,

He's decomposing

Schrodinger: "We won't know the cat is dead or alive until we open the box."

The box :"Meow."

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A USMC veteran decides he wants to die in a very badass way.

After some time thinking, he figures the most badass way to die is while rowing across the Atlantic (keep in mind, he's a Marine; not too bright). So he makes his way to the East Coast, buys a dingy, and gets to rowing.

"ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! MARINE CORPS! MARINE CORPS!" he eagerly chants as...

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Knock Knock

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Grandad

shit stop the funeral he's alive!

What kind of insurance would Moses have if he was still alive today?

Medicare Part C.

How to cook sausages

Once upon a time there was a little girl and one day her mommy decided it was time for her to learn how to cook sausages.


So she explains, slowly and patiently:


"You cut off the ends of the sausages, put a non-stick pan over a medium heat, and then add the sausages. Keep co...

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3 guys died and went to heaven

As they were standing in front of the pearly Gates jesus appeared before them and explained, unfortunately we have been running at full capacity and at the moment we can only let in people in who died in an especially horrific way.

The first guy started to explain how he died. I left work ea...

A cowboy finds himself captured by a tribe of Native Americans…

(Oldie, but goodie joke here)…

Anywhooo, the Natives tell the cowboy since he is their enemy they must put him to death. But, as is their custom, they won’t do so until he has spent 3 nights in their camp and each night, they shall grant him a wish.

As the first day, he says “I wish ...

Octopus

Last Friday night I took my date out to a seafood restaurant

As we set down We began looking for some thing nice to eat

When the waiter came over after 10 minutes he asked us if we was ready to order

We said “” yes we will both have the octopus if that s ok “”

Octopus “...

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Last night John Travolta was hospitalised for a suspected case of Covid-19

But his doctors have now confirmed it was only Saturday night fever and they assure everyone that he’s staying alive.

Apparently he had chills that were multiplying.

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." I thought, "Fucking great."

"First day in here and I'm already married."

You know Steve Irwin would still be alive if he wore sunscreen.

Would have protected him from the harmful rays.

Annoying Mole

Mary looks out her kitchen window and sees that a mole has practically destroyed the back lawn, so she tells her husband, Paddy, to go out and kill it and to show no mercy. After ten minutes, Paddy comes back into the house with an evil grin on his face.

"So," says Mary, "did you drown the fe...

A man is walking his pet carrot

As he’s walking his pet carrot it gets hit by a car. After rushing to the ER the man paces the waiting room as the doctor comes out exhausted from surgery. “Doctor, is my carrot alive are they ok?” The doctors sighs. “I have good news and bad news. The good news is your pet carrot is alive” the man ...

Before my Grandpa moved, he was the happiest man alive.

Now he lives in Missouri...

A transport ship goes down....

A transport ship goes down in the middle of the Atlantic quickly enough that no distress signal get sent. After the ship had been overdue for a ten days, a rescue is dispatched. Five days after that, the come across an island and send men ashore. There, they find four women lounging in emergency ten...

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A chance to escape Hell

The other day Bubba and I were walking around town when, out of nowhere, we get run over by a truck and die, and we both go straight to hell.

In hell, I'm greeted by the devil, who tells me that I have two choices: I can either stay in hell being tortured for all of eternity, or I can have se...

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

Why couldn't Mary Poppins keep her herb garden alive?

Because Bert kept stepping in the thyme.

"Dead or alive, you're coming with me."

Great movie quote, terrible pickup line…

Two guys are hanging out

One guy says

"I'm so so lucky my wife is an angel"

To which the other responds

"Lucky. Mines still alive"

A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a few words?"

"No, go right ahead", the woman replies.

The man stands up, clears his throat, and says "being alive", and sits back down.

"Thanks", the woman says, "he would have liked that".

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Dirty Whale joke

A male and female whale were swimming in an ocean. They noticed a whaling ship sailing nearby. The male whale told the female whale: "This is the same ship that was used to kill my dad."

Then he proceeded to say: "I have a plan. Let's swim right below the ship, and use our blowholes at once. ...

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back t...

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My grandpa used to tell me this joke when he was alive

Jokes about poop are not my number 1 favorite, but they are a solid 2!

The dead dog

A guy brought his dog into the vet. He didn't want to admit and accept the fact his dog died. The vet told the owner the dog is dead. The guy demanded a 2nd opinion. The vet gets a cat. The cat sniffs the dead dog and said "meow". The vet said the cat agrees the dog is dead. The owner demands a 3rd ...

A farmer is caught in a huge storm

He starts praying and swears to god that if he gets out alive,he will sell his only horse and give all of the money to his local church.
Miraculously, he survives, and the next day, he goes to the market to sell his horse. A client then shows up and asks :
-how much for that horse ?

-oh...

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There is no arguing with cowboy logic.

The Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the naturalists had a "more humane" solution. What ...

There’s a necrophiliac on the loose

Look alive people

What did the anti-vax kid wanna grow up to be?

Alive

When my grandpa died he farted and we thought he was still alive...

...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.

A penguin is driving his car through the desert

All of a sudden he finds himself broken down and he's in the middle of nowhere. He pushes his car all the way to the nearest mechanic, takes him days. By the time he arrives he's sweating like a pig, exhausted, basically just barely alive. The mechanic takes the car to his workshop and gets the peng...

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

I walked past the cemetery last night and saw three girls looking scared

So I offered to walk with them for a bit. They were embarrassed but I said hey that's normal, who wouldn't be scared, walking by a cemetery in the dark. They nodded, laughing nervously. I said I used to be like that when I was still alive...
I've never seen three girls run so fast.

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Keep the dream alive,

hit the snooze button again.

Contrary to popular belief, the fastest man alive is actually Zeus

because with his lightning powers he's Using Bolt

I'm the greatest human alive!

I don't even need my megalomania medicine!

The cool thing about being alive at this point in earth's history is...

that you might get to see how it ends.

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I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and do demonstrations by appointment. Seriously I did.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area. The house looked rough and as I walked to the door carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the stupi...

There was this musician in North Korea

One day, he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself, to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean Orchestra play it live to him in the humble auditorium. The man, not wanting to displease the great leader, did as asked.

The big night arrived, with the musicians stood at the fro...

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia…

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia, who want him to tell them where his company’s money is hidden. They put him in a chair at gunpoint and demand the location, but he won’t tell them a single word.

After a while, the mafia members decide that he isn’t going to be of any use to them,...

How is a joke like an animal?

When you dissect it, it dies.

Get it? Because just like when you take apart an animal to see how it works, it obviously can't be alive anymore, by the same logic, picking apart the inner workings of a joke by over-explaining the punchline is going to kill the humorous spirit it carries; it wo...

A pregnant woman falls into a coma

After some months she wakes up in a hospital bed and as she gains consciousness she realises that her pregnancy belly is gone.

A doctor is standing next to her bed greeting her. "Hello, you have been in a coma for six months. But don't worry you are on good health and will be released soon!"<...

I was stumbling my way back to my airbnb near Anchorage, Alaska at 2 am and got a little lost.

I came to a graveyard and realized where I was staying was just on the other side, so I figured I'd just cut through. As I approached the graveyard I came across 3 young ladys, nicely dressed and in high heels. They were also looking to also cross the graveyard and seemed to have a fun night out the...

Life is like the ocean

In the years before World War II, in a little Polish village, a learned rabbi used to teach his students, “Life is like the ocean.” And they would nod and respond, “Yes, life is like the ocean.” One young student was particularly taken with this philosophy, and he carried it with him through the lon...

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Unluckiest man alive on a plane crash

There is a cursed man on a burning plane and there are only 2 parachutes left for 3 people.Not being able to decide who is going to be left behind he comes up with an idea.He selects a random person among the passengers and asks to the other 2 people "if you know how many balls me and this guy have ...

How is the queen still alive?

Because she has been drinking imortali-tea.

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A couple were at a pharmacy when they noticed a real old man buying Viagra

The woman nudged her partner (while pointing at the old man) asking to take care of her even when they get old.

Inspired by the old man, the man goes up to him to thank him for being an inspiration. He then asks him, how did they keep the fire alive for so long?

The old man replied, “...

A thug walks into a bar.

He sees a lone man sitting in front of his beer, crying.
He walks up to him, pushes him off the chair, slaps him left and right in the face and drinks his beer.

The man then started crying even louder and sobbing in absolute desperation.
The thug, annoyed, yelled: Why are you crying lik...

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive?

It was a grave mistake.

What would Princess Di being doing right now if she were alive?

Scratching at the roof of her casket.

A man and woman get married

(An old Jewish joke)

A few weeks into the relationship, she decides to make a delicious roast for dinner. As the husband walks into the kitchen, he sees her slice off a couple inches off each side and toss them into the trash.

"Why did you throw them out? Were they bad?"

"No," ...

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"Wow, this is interesting." I said to the wife, as I scanned the web page...

"It says here that although less than half a dozen giant squid have ever been seen alive, scientists believe there may be over five hundred million of them in our oceans."

"Why the fuck are you telling me this?" She snapped. "You're supposed to be looking up some cool tattoo designs for my ar...

A lady is tied on a train track and screaming for help.

I man suddenly rushes out of nowhere and approaches the woman.

He says “Thank goodness you are still alive.
It means the 9:00 train hasn’t left yet.”

A man goes to the doctor.

He tells the doctor he's been hearing strange buzzing noises all week. The sounds come and go at all times of day, but they have been most intense at night. Sometimes there are multiple distinct buzzes at a time, at different frequencies. The patient says he has hardly slept for the past week becaus...

Mr Singh walks into a bar

_*Mr Singh walks into a bar in London , orders 3 glasses of beer and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.*_

_*When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; ...

I think if Steve Jobs was alive he would be a better president than Donald Trump

But then again that’s like comparing apples to oranges

Dad: What has 4 legs and isn’t alive?

Me: You can’t fool me dad! Its a chair!

Dad: Not this time son. Get a shovel, the dog’s dead

Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes: 1st in beer 2nd in wine 3rd in whiskey 4th in mineral water The next day, the teacher shows the results: The 1st worm in beer, dead. The 2nd in wine, dead. The 3rd in whiskey, dead. The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey
does not have worms.

Seeing Jesus alive three days after they crucified him...

The Romans we're awestruck at his power and decided never to cross him again.

When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive...

It’s a good thing my brother told me about it

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A motorcyclist and a sparrow

A motorcyclist was driving along a highway when suddenly a sparrow hit his helmet when trying to fly across. The motorcyclist struggled to control his motorcycle and almost crushed but eventually he managed to stop. Nearby he noticed the sparrow that looked dead but after an examination it turned ou...

Octopus dinner

I recently went to a sea food restaurant and I had a look at the menu , I said to the Waiter
“ excuse me can I have the octopus please “

No problem sir “ he replied

But there is an issue “ he said

And what’s that then ??

He said
“ you can have it but it takes 4 ...

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In these uncertain times I think of what my grandfather wouldsay if he were still alive

Get me the fuck outta this box! I can't breathe!

I’m in Spain but the S and the I are silent

Seriously guys help, Im being cooked alive right at this very moment

If Michael Jackson were alive today, what would his pronouns be?

Hee/Hee

Jane and Erica are talking in heaven

"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheat...

"ITS ALIVE, ITS ALIVE!!!" - Frankenstein's dream

A necrophilliac' worst nightmare.

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I may not be the sexiest man alive

But I am 2 out of those 3 things.

There was a short period of time in ancient history when offenders were not only nailed to a cross, but also burned alive

Fortunately, the practice ended and very few people were crucifried

I hate being cooked alive.

It makes my blood boil.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

Medusa may not be the most beautiful woman alive..

But she still gets me rock-hard

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