If I could describe all the horrible things that a lifetime of inhaling paint has done to me in one word, ...

... that word would be brain damage.

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.

Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you...

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

I’ve heard a lot of puns in my lifetime, some great, others horrible

But I think the one about the kleptomaniac baker really takes the cake.

Happy cake day to me

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The headmistress at my exclusive girl’s college was lecturing us on Sexual morality......

“In moments of temptation,” she said to the class, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

She got so furious when I got up and asked “How do you make it last an hour?”

I went on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation.

Never again.

Rick Astley and James Blunt are in a bar having a pint

And they are talking about all the celebrities they knew :-

Rick Astley said "I met Yoko Ono in Soho once" but James had never met her before

James mentioned he was good friends with Carrie Fisher, unfortunately Rick had never met her

Rick Mentioned once going to dinner with ...

My grandfather has a heart of a tiger.

He also has a lifetime ban at the zoo.

The Chinese Premier, along with the South Korean and Indonesia President Went to See God

In 1975, Zhou Enlai, Park Chung-hee, and Suharto came before God to ask a question.

Zhou Enlai went first: "God, when will my country become prosperous?"

God replied: "30 more years".

Zhou Enlai wept because he knew he will never see it in his lifetime. Indeed, he would pass awa...

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I've seen a ton of shit in my lifetime but this year exceeded everything.

I need to stop looking in toilets.

Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day.

Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime.

It's cake and y'all know the rules!

Give a man a shirt, and he'll wear it once

Tell a man he looks good in it, and he'll wear it for a lifetime

No running in heaven

So a man died and went to heaven. When he got to the gates Saint Peter was waiting for him.
He told him :
You were a very good person in your lifetime so as a price you can go to the farm next to the gate and pick any car you want so you can drive inside heaven.

The man goes and starts ...

Poor women

An elderly woman was cleaning out her attic one day. She come across an old lamp that she hadn't seen before. Start cleaning it to see what it is.
A genie pops out and says for setting me free I'm going to Grant you three wishes.
The woman thought about it for a while and said I have made my d...

What do you get when you cross a bat and a man?

A ban. Specifically, a lifetime ban from the genetics labs, as well as a visit from the ethics committee.

Teach a man to fish, and he'll be able to eat for a lifetime

Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.

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A woman asked if I liked thighs or breasts

I told her I liked shaved vaginas and anal. I now have a lifetime ban at KFC.

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By then end of my lifetime, I will have cause tens of thousands of ejaculations.

Single-handedly.

All she ever wanted was for someone to ask her what she was reading.

On the train, in the park, anywhere. People passed; no one asked. Until one day, after a lifetime:

"Ma'am, are you ok? Can I help you with anything?"

"It's too late," she replied, "I found all the Waldos."

I just came back from the trip of a lifetime

Never again

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With all the toilet paper hoarding, there might not be a worse time in our lifetimes to get food poisoning.

It's such a dire era.

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I decided to calculate how much semen I've ejaculated in my lifetime...

I figure the average male ejaculates 3ml of fluid every time, based on an internet source.

I then figure I started at age 12, and then I guessed my daily average discharge rate would be around 2 times per day in my lifetime since age 12, and I am now 30.

So, doing some math, I've come ...

I recently went on one of those once in a lifetime trips.

I'll tell you what, never again.

When our little girl was sick in hospital we bought her a lifetime supply of crayons.

It cost $3.

Steal a man's wallet and he will be broke for a week

Give a man a lego passion and he will be broke for a lifetime

I won a lifetime supply of rope yesterday

It’s 10 feet long!

My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't

The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.

I told my wife it was a lifetime dream of mine to become a politician.

"I'm all for it," she supported.


"You are?" I asked, surprised. "How so?"



"Well, look where it got JFK."

I won a lifetime supply of cyanide pills

I only got one though

If you could save a child from a horrible disease and a lifetime of misery, or have a light saber...

what color would you pick?

My grandmother asked for the trip of a lifetime for her 90th birthday

Got her a one way ticket to Switzerland

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I couldnt stay with my girlfriend after I found out she had 144 sexual partner in her lifetime.

It was a gross amount.

I've just had a once in a lifetime experience.

I won't be doing that again.

I just got a lifetime ban for spreading my wife's remains around Disney World

Guess we should of had her cremated first

John F. Kennedy was only named "John Kennedy" during his lifetime...

They added the "F." after he died to pay respects.

I got a lifetime supply of bread!

You'd think I'd say I'm rolling in dough, right? Well I am actuality a very lucky Soviet in 1936.

I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat

So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland

Lifetime Investment

This morning I heard someone shouting loudly on a megaphone outside my window. Saying "If you invest $15.00 just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".

I went out onto the balcony with curiosity and saw the idiot, he was selling chairs..

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On average, a human will swallow 5 spiders in their lifetime

That’s because weirdos like me keep fucking up the averages.

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I recently sailed around the world on one of those “once in a lifetime” cruises.

The cruise was scheduled to take 6 months, visit all 7 continents, and make port calls in over 30 different cities. I was very excited and could not wait.

The cruise began with several uneventful stops along the gulf off Mexico and down the Eastern side of South America. As we neared the sout...

I remember once I was forced to choose between Dwayne Johnson and a lifetime supply of frozen fish.

I was stuck between a Rock and a hard plaice.

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A lone traveler needed to stop and wait out a storm.

A lone traveler needed to stop and wait out a storm. She came across a church settled near the top of a mountain far away from civilization, and decided to ask for them to lend hospitality to her. A nun greeted her at the entrance when she approached the church, and lead her inside. There, she was g...

Why do cats have nine lives?

Because God knew that one lifetime was not enough time to produce enough cute cat pics.

My grandpa's favorite joke

Two guys are driving from Kansas to Maine and they drive by a sign for Worcester, MA. They both look at eachother and say, 'how the hell do you pronounce that?" The driver says "War-chester", the passanger says, "Nah, its gotta be "wir-ster". They argue a bit and decide that the only way to know for...

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.

Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.

Last night I bought my friend a lifetime supply of Peach Ice Cream

He has cancer, in Hospice, and the Doctors have given him two weeks tops.

Edit: Bit of a story to this. My friend is having trouble eating so I asked if I could get him anything. He mentioned that he really wants some Peach Ice Cream, but he knows it's out of season. So I went to one of those...

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An Irish daughter (an oldie but goodie)

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put...

Lifetime Savings

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.


The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.


But lo and behold, the...

Motorcycle will last you a lifetime

if you ride it fast enough.

Eggs and bacon:

A day's work for a chicken. A lifetime commitment for a pig.

A man is planning on taking a vacation but is afraid of flying

He is afraid of someone bombing the plane, so he asks a statistician what the odds are of a bomb being on a plane. He says the odds are one in a million and he shouldn’t worry about it.

He asks what the odds of 2 bombs being on the same plane are, and the statistician says the odds are so lo...

Contest Emcee: Congratulations! You just won a lifetime supply of Ramen Noodles!

Me: Can I just take the $20 instead?

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A platoon of soldiers is overseas fighting the battle of a lifetime

when all of the sudden, Private Smith runs out of ammo. He yells over for his Sergeant for some more, when the Sergeant throws him a stick. "What am I supposed to do with this?!" Smith yells angrily. In a joking manner, the Sergeant replies "Point it at the enemy, and yell BANGITY BANGITY BANGITY!!!...

Helium is a limited resource and we could run out of it in our lifetime...

Balloon prices are going to go sky high.

Mick Jagger was awarded for his lifetime achievement in music industry for over 55 years.

He didn't have a date to the ceremony so Kate Moss, who was a huge fan of Mick, volunteered to be with him for the night. It was decided that he'll pick her up from her hotel. On the evening of the ceremony Mick didn't pick her up and went straight to the ceremony alone.


Apparently a rol...

A white man visits a rural tribe in Africa

A white man wants to take the trip of a lifetime, and decides on a trip to Africa. He is in a go nowhere job, with no friends or family, and is feeling down. He quits his job and decides to travel to a remote area, far from civilization. He does not like the touristy vibe that some places give off, ...

Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime.

Give a man a monthly subscription of fish delivery right to his home, profit.

What do yo get if you’re inducted into the serial killer hall of fame?

A lifetime dismembership.

My gym just sold me a lifetime gym membership for our unborn baby.

I hope it works out.

After a lifetime of a clean-shaven face, I wasn't sure I'd like having a beard.

But it grew on me.

I went on one of those once in a lifetime holidays last week...

I won't be doing that again.

joke by Tim Vine

A beer bottle, a mirror and a condom go to the pub

The beer bottle thinks for a moment and says, you know, if you break me you get a years bad luck. The mirror looks incredulous at the comment and says, that’s nothing if you break me you get seven years bad luck. The condom starts to laugh so hard he falls on the floor with laughter, if you break me...

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A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain.

He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:

"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down ever...

February 29th, 2020

On February 29th of this year, something extraordinary happened.

I was walking across the road, head down, minding my own - when I heard it. This incessant, mechanical noise. Like spring-loaded footsteps. Real slow.

Far away, it came. Cascading against the city walls. A pneumatic sigh....

So I walked past a wired fence today

Somebody from behind shouted: "Be careful, it might be electrified! If you touch it, you will get the shock of a lifetime!"

I looked the person dead in the eye and without hesitation, I grabbed the fence to prove them wrong

My mother, who was walking next me then told me I was adopted

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What happens in Vegas

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'

Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job? No hand-job is wort...

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