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Lifetime Jokes

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The zoo’s female gorilla was going crazy, and the vet on staff had a grave prognosis. “She’s in her mating season, and after a lifetime of captivity, if she doesn’t mate, she’ll die.”

The zoo administrator was in a bind. There was just no money to transport in a male gorilla for mating to take place. So he decided humans where close enough to gorillas. Someone would have to fuck the gorilla.

After going through all options, offering as much money as the zoo could afford, ...

Teach a man to fish, and he'll be able to eat for a lifetime

Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.

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The headmistress at my exclusive girl’s college was lecturing us on Sexual morality...... “In moments of temptation,” she said to the class, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

She got so furious when I got up and asked “How do you make it last an hour?”

Tell a man a joke, he will laugh for a day

Tell a Redditor a joke, he will repost it for a lifetime

Edit: Thank you kind Redditor for the Gold

Give a man a shirt, and he'll wear it once

Tell a man he looks good in it, and he'll wear it for a lifetime

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.

Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you...

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday.

I’ll tell you what, never again.

What do you get when you cross elephant DNA with Human DNA?

A lifetime ban from the zoo.

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won a lifetime achievement award?

He was outstanding in his field...

I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion...

... and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.

I think I was a bull in a previous lifetime

because I’m attracted to red flags

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Three nuns die in a car accident and arrive at the pearly gates.

St. Peter says to the first nun, "Sister, you've lead an exemplary life, performed many good deeds, feed the hungry, cared for the sick. Do you have anything to confess before I let you in to heaven?" The nun looks serious and answers him, "St. Peter, I have to confess something. Once, when I was a...

Click here for a potential once in a lifetime opportunity!

Thank you for entering the Russian roulette tournament.

The gym just sold me a lifetime membership for my unborn baby.

I hope it works out.

My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't

The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.

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A man is like a tree. You spend a lifetime building yourself up,

just to be knocked on your ass by a little beaver.

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For everyone's attention, having anal sex will get you a lifetime ban from Iceland

Tonight I try my luck in Tesco

Lifetime Investment

This morning I heard someone shouting loudly on a megaphone outside my window. Saying "If you invest $15.00 just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".

I went out onto the balcony with curiosity and saw the idiot, he was selling chairs..

I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat

So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland

I’ve heard a lot of puns in my lifetime, some great, others horrible

But I think the one about the kleptomaniac baker really takes the cake.

Happy cake day to me

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By then end of my lifetime, I will have cause tens of thousands of ejaculations.

Single-handedly.

Lifetime Savings

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.


The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.


But lo and behold, the...

I won a lifetime supply of rope yesterday

It’s 10 feet long!

I've just had a once in a lifetime experience.

I won't be doing that again.

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I've seen a ton of shit in my lifetime but this year exceeded everything.

I need to stop looking in toilets.

I got a lifetime supply of bread!

You'd think I'd say I'm rolling in dough, right? Well I am actuality a very lucky Soviet in 1936.

I won a lifetime supply of cyanide pills

I only got one though

We think people will say this was the worst year in our lifetimes

But we have to remember, hindsight's 20/20.

The average hotdog machine will have 547,500 wieners in it and catch 4,277 gallons of juice in its trap during its lifetime.

Just like your mother.

I just came back from the trip of a lifetime

Never again

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Programming is like sex:

one mistake and you’re providing support for a lifetime.

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

(A joke I wrote myself) A Russian man walks through the streets of Moscow.

As he passes by the headquarters of a major company, he notices a poor man in decrepit clothes standing by the building, seemingly waiting for something, looking at the sky. "Another poor crazy weirdo", he thinks. He keeps on walking.

The next day, he passes near another company's HQ, and see...

Motorcycle will last you a lifetime

if you ride it fast enough.

I'm so excited to take a once in a lifetime vacation next week!

I've always wanted to visit China.

John F. Kennedy was only named "John Kennedy" during his lifetime...

They added the "F." after he died to pay respects.

I recently went on one of those once in a lifetime trips.

I'll tell you what, never again.

If I could describe all the horrible things that a lifetime of inhaling paint has done to me in one word, ...

... that word would be brain damage.

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On average, a human will swallow 5 spiders in their lifetime

That’s because weirdos like me keep fucking up the averages.

When our little girl was sick in hospital we bought her a lifetime supply of crayons.

It cost $3.

TIL; JFK bought a lifetime supply of Cuban cigars before he enacted the embargo.

The box of cigars lasted LBJ one week.

Contest Emcee: Congratulations! You just won a lifetime supply of Ramen Noodles!

Me: Can I just take the $20 instead?

I just got a lifetime ban for spreading my wife's remains around Disney World

Guess we should of had her cremated first

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An Irish daughter (an oldie but goodie)

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put...

My grandmother's favorite joke

A priest dies and arrives in heaven. Here, a couple of angels greet him, shake his hand, and welcome him.

A few moments later, a drunken Peruvian bus driver appears. He is welcomed with a celebration, fireworks, and God himself comes to welcome him.

At this point, the priest, somewhat...

I told my wife it was a lifetime dream of mine to become a politician.

"I'm all for it," she supported.


"You are?" I asked, surprised. "How so?"



"Well, look where it got JFK."

If you could save a child from a horrible disease and a lifetime of misery, or have a light saber...

what color would you pick?

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I recently sailed around the world on one of those “once in a lifetime” cruises.

The cruise was scheduled to take 6 months, visit all 7 continents, and make port calls in over 30 different cities. I was very excited and could not wait.

The cruise began with several uneventful stops along the gulf off Mexico and down the Eastern side of South America. As we neared the sout...

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I couldnt stay with my girlfriend after I found out she had 144 sexual partner in her lifetime.

It was a gross amount.

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With all the toilet paper hoarding, there might not be a worse time in our lifetimes to get food poisoning.

It's such a dire era.

It's the first day of college, and the girls are finishing up orientation with the Dean of Women.

"In conclusion, ladies, if you get pregnant, you'll likely have to drop out and miss out on many of your dreams. Think about it: is that one hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of commitment?"

"Now," the Dean says, "Are there any questions?"

"Yeah," says a voice from the back. "How do yo...

I received an email from an Egyptian prince about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

He offered me a position doing construction on Egyptian tombs. Turned out it was just a pyramid scheme.

I went on one of those once in a lifetime holidays last week...

I won't be doing that again.

joke by Tim Vine

A man dies and goes to heaven...

As he stands in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates, he sees a huge wall of clocks behind him.

"What are those clocks for?" He asks.

"Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move forward." St. Peter responded.

...

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.

Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.

Helium is a limited resource and we could run out of it in our lifetime...

Balloon prices are going to go sky high.

Mick Jagger was awarded for his lifetime achievement in music industry for over 55 years.

He didn't have a date to the ceremony so Kate Moss, who was a huge fan of Mick, volunteered to be with him for the night. It was decided that he'll pick her up from her hotel. On the evening of the ceremony Mick didn't pick her up and went straight to the ceremony alone.


Apparently a rol...

A man walks up to the pearly white gates of heaven

God looks down on him and speaks.

“We don’t know of anything particularily good or bad you have done in your lifetime, so it is up to you to tell us a story that will persuade us in a certain direction whether it be heaven or hell.”

The man looks up shakingly and responds with a story...

After a lifetime of a clean-shaven face, I wasn't sure I'd like having a beard.

But it grew on me.

A man decides to put his life savings into opening an aquarium...

A young man took every penny he had and used it to open an aquarium. He worked tirelessly, growing it from a small roadside attraction into the greatest aquarium ever. Over a lifetime, he amassed the largest collection of sea life ever assembled. He and his team conducted scientific research and ran...

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Two interesting facts about me:

1: My Penis is the exact length of two IKEA pencils.

2: I've got a lifetime ban from IKEA!

What do you get when you cross a bat and a man?

A ban. Specifically, a lifetime ban from the genetics labs, as well as a visit from the ethics committee.

New York City is like Linux

* Spend the first year re-learning how to perform basic tasks
* Spend the rest of your lifetime claiming how much better it is
* Bad drivers

Source: @ chromakode on Twitter

How long does it take for someone to die?

A lifetime.

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An avid golfer

A guy played golf every Saturday for 45 years. His goal was to break par. He came close a few times but never even got to par let alone under par.

One Saturday he was in the zone. At the 18th joke he’s even par. The 18th is a par 5 all he needs is a birdie. He hits his tee shot right down th...

I was recently invited to try skydiving without a parachute.

It sounds like a once in a lifetime opportunity.

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