A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

Why don't lions hang out with other species?

**Their pride gets in the way.**

What do you call a veterinarian that can cure only one species?

A doctor.

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Out of all of the millions of animal species on Earth, only humans and bonobos enjoy sex as a recreational activity

Don’t ask me how I know.

Sailor, name a species of lemur

Aye-aye, captain!

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The animals hear that the world is going to end

So, the Lion, as their king, calls an official meeting of all animals.

“We have only 10 days until everything as we know it is destroyed. Nothing matters anymore. Let’s just all have sex with each other and go out with a bang.”

The antelope flicks and ear to ask a question: “What about...

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

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In case of any apocalyptic scenarios, scientists want to store the DNA of millions of species of animals and plants in lava tubes of the moon

The DNA of any illicit substances will be kept in Uranus

Pick-Up Line Comebacks

Man: "Haven't we met before?"Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go...

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A duck had sex with a chicken as the rooster watched with great excitement.

This somehow managed to created a new species, which was named after the rooster. Scientist called this species the “Cuck”.

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I hear NASA wants to put the DNA of 6.7 million species on the Moon.

That's a pretty big cum shot if you ask me.

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Did you know the bird species canaries don’t live in the Canary Islands? Same with the Virgin Islands

No canaries live there, either

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People tell me we should be preserving endangered species.

But you offer someone a jar of your pickled panda and they lose their shit.

How many species of wild cat are there?

I don't have an exact number, but there's an ocelot of them.

Aliens invade the planet

Aliens invade the planet and take every living being prisoner and contains them in a facilty. The aliens then set up machines here and there which are similar to vending machines but they dispense any animal/human/living thing which they keep as pets. The living being requested is random so it's a f...

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Just slept with a species from another genus.

No Homo.

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Besides humans dolphins are one of very few species that have sex for fun..

But damn, I still don't like that weird silence in the car every morning I take them back to the zoo.

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Truck driver Mike and the alien

I'm from Germany, so I hope it doesn't get lost in translation.
Mike the truck driver is on the highway at night when the radio station he's listening to sends a special report about UFO's and aliens been spotted only a bit in front of him. "... they're about 4 feet tall with arms reaching...

Ending it all

Brad was sick of the World, of Covid-19, those who hate China, global warming, species extinction, racial tension and all the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy the media headlines.

Brad drove his car into his garage at home, carefully sealed up around the windows and doorways of his ...

Regardless of skin color, nationality, or religion, as a species, we are all meant to be friends and brothers

After all, we are *homie sapiens*

If the human species were blind,

society would probably feel a lot different.

A zoo only had one species of dog

It was a shih tzu.

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The theory of evolution states that all species are related to a common ancestor

So no officer I dont think its "disgusting" that I'm dating a raccoon

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Hey girl, do you raise birds of the species Parus major?

Because you've got great tits.

Corona Virus has spread to species of birds

It now infects bat man and robin

There are thousands of different mosquito species

And they all suck.

Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story office building.

It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.

So, as everyone knows, two different species (flavors) of cheerios cannot mate, right?

That is, if one is honey-nut and another is blueberry, they cannot mate. Anyway, there is this one normal cheerio that is in love with a blueberry cheerio. Unfortunately, he cannot mate with her. He can't even communicate with her because they are of different species. So, he invents a machine that ...

One night, I did an insane amount of drugs and ended up at the bottom of a multi-species orgy.

I don't know what came over me.

Did you know that there’s a species of antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house?

This is due the antelopes unnaturally strong hind legs, and he fact that the average house can’t jump

What species of feline can’t be monogamous?

A cheetah

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what species of bees make milk instead of honey?

boobees

Zoos?

What's the difference between a Northern and a Southern zoo?



At a Northern zoo the plaque on the cage lists the phylum, class, species, and info about it's habitat.

At a Southern zoo the plaque on the cage lists the phylum, class, species, and recipes.

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It's been 125,000 generations since the emergence of human species, 7,500 generations since human physiology reached what is essentially its modern state, 500 generations since the agricultural revolution, 20 generations since the scientific revolution...

And 1 generation since I fucked your mom.

Just like you, progress is slow.

What is the most embarrassing species of bird?

Morning wood -pecker

What species is the most optimistic?

Fish, they take every oppor-tuna-ty

News has just come in that The Mars Rover has discovered a member of the feline species while exploring.

Unfortunately, Curiosity killed the cat.

TIL the American flag on the moon is now bleached completely white by the sun so historians and/or other species would never know it was America that first landed on the moon

They'll think it was France

From what I've read, people were a lot more serious about invasive plant species 30 or 40 years ago.

A lot of people were writing about stopping the spread of the Soviet onion.

Everyone says that as a nice guy/gentleman, I'm a dying breed and that I should be on the endanger species list.

I wonder if there is a breeding program for my kind.

Note: First time posting on r/Jokes

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A new species of whale has been discovered near Japan

(don’t tell them about it)

[NSFW] The average length is 2 to 3 inches, while the African species can grow to over 11 inches.

Porcupine quills really are fascinating

What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?

Binomial gnomenlature

Out of all Cat Species, there is only one that never tells the truth. Which one is it?

I don't know, but I know said Cat will always be Lion to you.

New insect species discovered

Scientists have recently discovered a new species of beetle that only lives for 14 days.

Many possible names were suggested and rejected, but it was finally decided to call it the Battlegrounds beetle, because it dies after a fortnight.

Eggs have recently been added to the endangered species list

Due to excessive poaching.

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The naming of a new species of insect...

Scientist 1: Let's name it Dick-bug. Scientist 2: No we're not naming it Dick-bug. Scientist 1: Penis-insect. Scientist 2: Goddammit Richard no! Scientist 1: Cock-roach. Scientist 2: You know what! Fine, we'll name it cock-roach!

What is one of the longest living species of beetle?

Paul McCartney

A beekeeper was asked which species of bees he found to be the most pretty.

His reply: "Beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder"

Scientists are studying the effects of marijuana on the arctic tern, a species of bird.

The studies are so intense they have stated "We are leaving no tern unstoned."

Professor: this is the largest species of moth that we know of

Me: \*under breath\* ᵐᵃᵐᵐᵒᵗʰ

So I went to a park and saw a cross-bred species

The species was named a Zedonk. A half-zebra, half-donkey cross breed. They are known to be very lazy and stubborn. Whenever they manage to do anything, it is usually done half-assed.

A scientific study

I recently read a scientific study that was performed to investigate the number of birds being found dead in North America.

The scientists collected the dead bodies to keep accurate amounts of the deceased birds.

After months of collection, the scientists realized that nearly every s...

I introduced science and technology to the frogs in my neighborhood in an attempt to uplift their species.

All of my neighbors are mad at me now because now the frogs only say “rivet”.

What is it called when you're afraid of middle eastern spider species?

Iraqnophobia

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Recently scientists discovered a new species of a bat whose sperm is extremely poisonous

They named it Mortal Cum Bat

Although the cannibalism of the praying mantis may seem severe, it is thankfully brief. In other species, the female will slowly suck the life out of her partner over a period of decades.

This process is commonly called marriage.

Did you know? There is a species of frog in Alaska

There is a species of frog in Alaska that freezes during the winter and while frozen, the frog stops breathing, its heart stops beating, its palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there's vomit on its sweater already, mom's spaghetti.

What do the British and murder hornets have in common?

They’re both an invasive species.

A particular species of frog, found in South American rainforests, has been observed to leap higher than a 1 story house.

This is due to the extremely powerful hind legs of the frog, and the fact that houses cannot leap.

One day the zoo keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books; On the Origin of Species and the Bible.

Surprised, he asked the orangutan, "Why are you reading both of those books?"

"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

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Scientists had heard rumours of a new species of butterfly in London...

But it turned out to be an Urban Moth

In honor of endangered species, portions of the proceeds from each gilded comment will go to Tempura House...

...a home for battered shrimp.

There are three species of hyena in the wild

But every time one is seen they become a spotted hyena

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Paleontologists have found a fossil so complete, they were actually able to deduce that the species may have practiced anal sex.

They're calling it Myassisaur.

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day.

As he arrived at classroom, he saw ten rods with platforms with ten birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the bir...

Why do killer whales never make friends with other species?

They're too orc'ward.

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Scientists recently discovered a sexually transmitted disease affecting many bird species.

No need to worry though. I hear it's tweetable.

What species of mushroom is known for being an instigator?

The shiitalkie mushroom.

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What's Hitler's favorite species of shark?

The Great White.

Last night, I had dinner at one of those illicit restaurants where you can dine on endangered species.

I left there full of egret.

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unen...

It's no wonder falcons are an endangered species

They've got an extreme choking problem.

Cambridge University just discovered a new species of dinosaur

They say it had a stocky build with orange scales and feathers on its head. They are naming it Grabsalotopuss.

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An old farmer and his neighbor butt heads

An old farmer lives in a world that is always a few generations behind the modern era. As the city grows, the suburbs encroach upon the rural countryside inhabitants that have stewarded these hills for the last 3 centuries. The farmer has a city-folk neighbor that moved in last year who often visits...

Recent studies have shown that several species of shrimp have randomly died while migrating to other seas or oceans

I guess they were accident prawn

Why are bees the superior species?

They have a built in suicide switch.

"Can I get a pet fox?"

While browsing the forums I read a simple post, the question "Can I get a pet fox?"

Clicking inside, I read the top answer. "You can't tame a fox, but you can leash it to a post." Which I thought was a really succinct and apt commentary on how exotic pet ownership is sometimes unfair to speci...

A guy one day goes to a museum that has a dinosaur exhibit.

He spends a few hours wandering around and admiring the skeletons of a variety of dinosaur species. At one point he stops in front of particular exhibit trying to get some sense of its actual size and age of this magnificent creature. He notices not too far from him a museum worker and says to him...

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A football player at a university wanted to take an easy class

A friend told him he should take the ornithology class. "Ornithology?", he said, "What's that?"

"It's the study of birds," his friend told him, "but don't worry, the professor is 80 years old and hardly ever shows up for class. When he does show up, he falls right to sleep. All you have to do...

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Park Ranger

A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare
species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla
became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination,
the park veterinarian determined the problem: The gorilla was
in heat. To make matters worse, there...

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