UPJOKE
coinagemintagemetal moneycoingenussubgenussubspeciestaxoncurrencyconspecificcladevarietytaxonomicphylumtaxonomy

Species Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just slept with a species from another genus.

No Homo.

What do you call a veterinarian who can only treat one species?

A Doctor.

News has just come in that The Mars Rover has discovered a member of the feline species while exploring.

Unfortunately, Curiosity killed the cat.

Yesterday, scientists discovered a species of lizard whose sperm is invisible.

They never saw it coming.

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

What’s the largest species of ants?

Gi-ants

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone loves birds, but men and women have different favorite species of birds

For instance. Men have falcons, eagles, vultures etc as their favorite

But women have great tits.

Why don't lions hang out with other species?

**Their pride gets in the way.**

Sailor, name a species of lemur

Aye-aye, captain!

Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story office building.

It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.

I passed out at the bottom of a multi-species orgy.

I don't know what came over me.

Did you hear about that trans-species gazelle?

He’s really transformed himself. You could say he was born a gnu.

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

What species gives the best head to their mates?

A mantis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one evening...

The man tells his wife, "I read an article that says humans are the only species where the females can have an orgasm."

"Prove it" She replied flirtatious.

"Well... alright, here goes..."

He walked out and returned a few hours later.

"The sheep didn't, the horse didn't, ...

My friend ate so much exotic spice, he practically turned into another species.

He's a cumin being.

If the human species were blind,

society would probably feel a lot different.

Did you know that there’s a species of antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house?

This is due the antelopes unnaturally strong hind legs, and he fact that the average house can’t jump

How many species of wild cat are there?

I don't have an exact number, but there's an ocelot of them.

Corona Virus has spread to species of birds

It now infects bat man and robin

There are thousands of different mosquito species

And they all suck.

Eggs have recently been added to the endangered species list

Due to excessive poaching.

What is one of the longest living species of beetle?

Paul McCartney

New Bee Species

I was reading an article this week about this new bee they found in one of the Dakotas.

Apparently they have one of the worst stings known to man, and can actually knock out a full grown adult who gets stung.

The other worst part is that like a lot of insects, they try to lay eggs in t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People tell me we should be preserving endangered species.

But you offer someone a jar of your pickled panda and they lose their shit.

New insect species discovered

Scientists have recently discovered a new species of beetle that only lives for 14 days.

Many possible names were suggested and rejected, but it was finally decided to call it the Battlegrounds beetle, because it dies after a fortnight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A zoo in CA has a rare gorilla. The last known female of that particular species.

Turns out a zoo in Tokyo has a male version of the gorilla. They decide to ship the male gorilla from Japan to the US to mate and save the species. The American zoo keepers start to worry because their female gorilla has never had sex before. The decision is made they need to warm her up to help wit...

I encourage seabirds to date others in their species.

I believe one good tern deserves another.

What species of feline can’t be monogamous?

A cheetah

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what species of bees make milk instead of honey?

boobees

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new species of whale has been discovered near Japan

(don’t tell them about it)

A zoo only had one species of dog

It was a shih tzu.

Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today. Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species.

Myneckisaur.

What species is the most optimistic?

Fish, they take every oppor-tuna-ty

What is the most embarrassing species of bird?

Morning wood -pecker

So, as everyone knows, two different species (flavors) of cheerios cannot mate, right?

That is, if one is honey-nut and another is blueberry, they cannot mate. Anyway, there is this one normal cheerio that is in love with a blueberry cheerio. Unfortunately, he cannot mate with her. He can't even communicate with her because they are of different species. So, he invents a machine that ...

A panda walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Would you like anything to drink?"

The panda replies, "No thanks, I'm only here to eat."

"So what would you like to eat?"

"I'll just take the fries."

The bartender serves the panda, who enjoys the meal. He asks, "Now, will your payment be cash or card...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey girl, do you raise birds of the species Parus major?

Because you've got great tits.

A sick Australian ornithologist was 60 feet up a tree, engrossed in two Jackdaws performing a convoluted mating dance in defiance of all known observations of the species, when he had a sudden coughing fit.

They say he died of corvid complications.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The naming of a new species of insect...

Scientist 1: Let's name it Dick-bug. Scientist 2: No we're not naming it Dick-bug. Scientist 1: Penis-insect. Scientist 2: Goddammit Richard no! Scientist 1: Cock-roach. Scientist 2: You know what! Fine, we'll name it cock-roach!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Out of all of the millions of animal species on Earth, only humans and bonobos enjoy sex as a recreational activity

Don’t ask me how I know.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hear NASA wants to put the DNA of 6.7 million species on the Moon.

That's a pretty big cum shot if you ask me.

Why are some species of cat always endangered?

Because cheetahs never prosper

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Besides humans dolphins are one of very few species that have sex for fun..

But damn, I still don't like that weird silence in the car every morning I take them back to the zoo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The theory of evolution states that all species are related to a common ancestor

So no officer I dont think its "disgusting" that I'm dating a raccoon

Interestingly enough, scientists have discovered a fascinating new species of frog, named the “Romulan Pond Frog” that has an amazing way of evading predators.

In the press release, scientists showed footage of the frogs using a special call that appeared to disorient predators, leaving them unable to precisely locate the frogs.

Scientists are calling this special call a "croaking device."

One night, I did an insane amount of drugs and ended up at the bottom of a multi-species orgy.

I don't know what came over me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know the bird species canaries don’t live in the Canary Islands? Same with the Virgin Islands

No canaries live there, either

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's Hitler's favorite species of shark?

The Great White.

A beekeeper was asked which species of bees he found to be the most pretty.

His reply: "Beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder"

Professor: this is the largest species of moth that we know of

Me: \*under breath\* ᵐᵃᵐᵐᵒᵗʰ

There are three species of hyena in the wild

But every time one is seen they become a spotted hyena

What is it called when you're afraid of middle eastern spider species?

Iraqnophobia

From what I've read, people were a lot more serious about invasive plant species 30 or 40 years ago.

A lot of people were writing about stopping the spread of the Soviet onion.

Did you know? There is a species of frog in Alaska

There is a species of frog in Alaska that freezes during the winter and while frozen, the frog stops breathing, its heart stops beating, its palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there's vomit on its sweater already, mom's spaghetti.

As a result of deforestation, many species lost their natural habitat

Including Folk music bands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a scientist who investigates early homo sapien societies but excuses their violent behaviour toward Neanderthals and other sub-species of archaic humans?

An anthro-apologist.

Why are bees the superior species?

They have a built in suicide switch.

TIL the American flag on the moon is now bleached completely white by the sun so historians and/or other species would never know it was America that first landed on the moon

They'll think it was France

Scientists are studying the effects of marijuana on the arctic tern, a species of bird.

The studies are so intense they have stated "We are leaving no tern unstoned."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists had heard rumours of a new species of butterfly in London...

But it turned out to be an Urban Moth

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Recently scientists discovered a new species of a bat whose sperm is extremely poisonous

They named it Mortal Cum Bat

[NSFW] The average length is 2 to 3 inches, while the African species can grow to over 11 inches.

Porcupine quills really are fascinating

What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?

Binomial gnomenlature

It's no wonder falcons are an endangered species

They've got an extreme choking problem.

Which species of ants prefer to eat beavers ?

Lesbi-ants

Regardless of skin color, nationality, or religion, as a species, we are all meant to be friends and brothers

After all, we are *homie sapiens*

Everyone says that as a nice guy/gentleman, I'm a dying breed and that I should be on the endanger species list.

I wonder if there is a breeding program for my kind.

Note: First time posting on r/Jokes

One day the zoo keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books; On the Origin of Species and the Bible.

Surprised, he asked the orangutan, "Why are you reading both of those books?"

"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists recently discovered a sexually transmitted disease affecting many bird species.

No need to worry though. I hear it's tweetable.

What species of mushroom is known for being an instigator?

The shiitalkie mushroom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In case of any apocalyptic scenarios, scientists want to store the DNA of millions of species of animals and plants in lava tubes of the moon

The DNA of any illicit substances will be kept in Uranus

Are black men becoming an endangered species?

No! Endangered species are protected by the law.
-Chris Rock

In a national park, a woman stopped to watch a deer.

A man walked over to her and said, "This is red deer, Cervus elaphus, it's pleased to meet you."

Then she watched him continue to other visitors and say the same thing.

She catches up with him and asks, "Why are you doing this?"

The man responds, "The ranger told me this species...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck had sex with a chicken as the rooster watched with great excitement.

This somehow managed to created a new species, which was named after the rooster. Scientist called this species the “Cuck”.

I introduced science and technology to the frogs in my neighborhood in an attempt to uplift their species.

All of my neighbors are mad at me now because now the frogs only say “rivet”.

Did you hear that anti-vaxxers will receive protection under the Endangered Species Act?

Their offspring is threatened with extinction.

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla..

With in a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed...

What did the Humpback say to the Sperm who was leaving early to get a species change?

You should stay a whale.

In honor of endangered species, portions of the proceeds from each gilded comment will go to Tempura House...

...a home for battered shrimp.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paleontologists have found a fossil so complete, they were actually able to deduce that the species may have practiced anal sex.

They're calling it Myassisaur.

Last night, I had dinner at one of those illicit restaurants where you can dine on endangered species.

I left there full of egret.

Although the cannibalism of the praying mantis may seem severe, it is thankfully brief. In other species, the female will slowly suck the life out of her partner over a period of decades.

This process is commonly called marriage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer is laying in the bed with his wife

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.


He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"


She looks at him wistfully...

A particular species of frog, found in South American rainforests, has been observed to leap higher than a 1 story house.

This is due to the extremely powerful hind legs of the frog, and the fact that houses cannot leap.

(An old, lame joke) A physicist, a chemist and a biologist visit a beach.

They were bored sitting empty, so they decided to perform some experiments.

The physicist says, "I'm gonna measure the depth of the sea." He proceeds to dive into the sea, but goes too deep. He gets crushed by the underwater pressure, drowns and dies.

The biologist says, "I'm gonna dis...

Recent studies have shown that several species of shrimp have randomly died while migrating to other seas or oceans

I guess they were accident prawn

An amateur birdwatcher and a professional ornithologist are observing the same patch of the forest floor.

There’s a break in the canopy above them, so there are dozens of birds congregated to soak up the sunlight. The scientist is eagerly taking notes and muttering to himself, “28…29…30… there’s 31 distinct species all in this one clearing! It’s amazing!”

The birdwatcher tells him, “No, they’re a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's been 125,000 generations since the emergence of human species, 7,500 generations since human physiology reached what is essentially its modern state, 500 generations since the agricultural revolution, 20 generations since the scientific revolution...

And 1 generation since I fucked your mom.

Just like you, progress is slow.

A man decides to put his life savings into opening an aquarium...

A young man took every penny he had and used it to open an aquarium. He worked tirelessly, growing it from a small roadside attraction into the greatest aquarium ever. Over a lifetime, he amassed the largest collection of sea life ever assembled. He and his team conducted scientific research and ran...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting on the bank of a river with a turtle

And an officer from the fisheries board approached him. The officer says to the man "do you know it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river - they're an endangered species"?

The man says to the officer, "no this is my pet turtle. I bring
him down here everyday and let him go for a sw...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A park ranger catches a hunter in the act of eating a spotted owl. Feathers and bones surround his campfire.

The ranger says, "The spotted owl is a highly endangered species. Killing one is a federal crime."

The man says, "Yes, I admit that I killed and ate that owl. However, in my defense, I was lost in the wilderness for three days and frankly I was starving. The bird flew directly at me; I raised...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist....

Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist who was, in 1792, considered one of the country’s chief ornithologists. Credited with discovering and describing over 200 different bird species, he spent most of his life hopping from island to island, describing the wildlife, and moving to...

The Hiker With the Exotic Appetite

A middle-aged man got lost while hiking in the Sierra Mountains. Rescue calls went out and three days later a National Park ranger located him.

As he approached the hiker, the ranger noticed a campfire pit and the charred remains of a large bird. “Is that a California Condor”, asked the...

A scientific study

I recently read a scientific study that was performed to investigate the number of birds being found dead in North America.

The scientists collected the dead bodies to keep accurate amounts of the deceased birds.

After months of collection, the scientists realized that nearly every s...

Zoos?

What's the difference between a Northern and a Southern zoo?



At a Northern zoo the plaque on the cage lists the phylum, class, species, and info about it's habitat.

At a Southern zoo the plaque on the cage lists the phylum, class, species, and recipes.

"There are three birds in this tree..."

"...one of them I know will peck, one possibly can peck and one is meant to peck but refuses."

"What species?"

"A would-pecker, a could-pecker and a should-pecker."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A parole officer makes a house visit...

He walks sternly and silently into the house then to the upstairs hallway. He stops, reaches up and pulls a chord which releases a smaller set of stairs. He trudges up them and at the top he stands with a scowl as he examines the unfortunate scene. He yells, "What the hell, are you ever going to get...

A scientific study was conducted on ants...

There was a scientific study conducted on various species of ants investigating the correlation between their heights and how their feet operate.
Shorter ants were found to have little nubs on the end of their feet that operate similarly to toes on humans and primates.
This was not seen in lar...

i made this up as a kid or seen it on the internet or smth...idk it is funny

3 aliens come down to earth...examining earth and humans on this planet. They wanted to interact with the species so they agreed to split up.

The first alien went to a classroom at a school. He was surrounded by a lot of kids Yelling the word 'ME ME ME' repeatedly as the kids were jumping up...

I cant remember who this comedian or how the joke goes 100% but the gist is

So theres this joke i heard when i was young, my mom showed me him on youtube, it was a very deadpan, dry comedian, almost like mitch hedberg, and i cant remember who it was, but the gist of the joke is, "two aliens landed in their spaceship and walked up to me, they were super short, and i asked, h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God creating humans..

When God was creating the human race, he lined up all the males on one side and all the females opposite. Then he asked, "Which of your species would like to urinate standing up?"

Well, the males went crazy, shouting that they wanted to pee standing up.

"Fine", says God, "Women get mul...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So how about a real joke about Bulgarians for a change?

A flying saucer beams up a German engineer, an Indian guru and a Bulgarian. The three of them are informed by an alien in a lab coat that standard procedure when contacting an unfamiliar species is to subject them to the standardized intergalactic intelligence test.

"You will be put in an air...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.