You guys need to lay off Ghislaine Maxwell...

She just wants to settle down and have kids

My doctor sucks. He said if I don't lay off the soda and red meat, I'll destroy my kidneys.

All that education and he can't even tell the difference between kid knees and adult knees.

Vegans need to lay off attacking others for their eating habits....

The last thing we need is another Spinach Inquisition.

Reddit is too too mean to fat people. You guys really need to lay off.

They already have enough on their plates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is told to lay off a member of his staff

At a small company, a manager is told that, due to downsizing, he has to lay off someone from his staff. After much agonizing, he narrows his list down to two people. Not sure who to get rid of, he talks to his boss for advice.

"On one hand, Mary is a really great worker," he says. "But on t...

If Trump doesn’t lay off the cheeseburgers...

He’ll be up to 6’5 by next year.

Can we all agree to lay off the fat people jokes?

They have a lot on their plate.

I think we really need to lay off North Korea over their failed missile tests...

I think they're developing projectile dysfunction :(

A city boy comes to visit his grandparents on their farm and spend the night.

It's been years since they last saw him, and over dinner they reminisce the times that he came to visit over the summer as a kid. Most of the stories Grandpa brought up were about his grandson's dumb attempts to help out.

"Why, I remember when you said you could feed the chickens and gave the...

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Jack off...

Two managers are going over their budget for the next year. After analyzing expenses and revenues, they come to the conclusion that they will have to lay off one of their two assistants, Jack or Jane.

They go back and forth but can't decide who to lay off. Finally, one manager decides that th...

What did the ghost say when it woke up with a bad hangover?

“Man, I really need to lay off the boos.”

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Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill have grown up. They've graduated from uni, gotten married and got a job at the same firm.

One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Layoffs at the company

The boss has to lay off one person from his department and he's narrowed the choice down to Ann or Jack. First he invites Ann in. The boss says "I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off." She replies "You better jack off, I've got a headache"

The price of oil has dropped so far that...

Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen.

Why did Cruz pick Carly Fiorina as his running mate?

To lay off his campaign staff.

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A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided to visit the local pet shop.

The owner suggested a parrot, with which she
could conduct a civilized conversation. This seemed to be an excellent
idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room,
and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'" Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say
'Pretty boy ... pret...

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The Guru (potentially NSFW depending on words used)

Bill and Jeff are sitting at the local - Bill is complaining to Jeff that his elbow his hurting him and that he will have to go to the doctor and pay the high medical bills/etc that will come with it...


Jeff tells Bill to forget that, he should visit 10th and 3rd and see The Guru! Basical...

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Sarah and Jack

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he w...

What did the lobster say when he saw the mermaid?

Gotta lay off the sea-weed.

My friend made a joke and wants to know if it's good. Let me know what you think

There is two doctors one old and one young, and the old doctor is teaching the younger doctor about house calls, they go to the first house and the old doctors like I’ll teach you how it’s done, and he asks the woman “what’s wrong?” And the woman replies “I’ve been full and not that hungry much”. Th...

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My grandfather always used to tell me...

you can lead a horse to water, but if you can teach him to fish, you need to lay off the fucking acid.

A guy is sitting in a bar...

And in walks a friend he hasn't seen in a few weeks. Being curious as to where his buddy has been, he asks what's been going on. His friend replies "after that last bender we had I figured it was time to lay off the sauce for a while". The first guy asks "what was so bad that you felt the need to cu...

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