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Cooper Jokes

I got a joke but it requires that you know who D.B. Cooper is

I don't want to sound condescending while telling a joke about a con descending

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, atta...

What's the difference between the Mafia and Price Waterhouse Cooper?

The Mafia have a code of honour.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John Cooper Clarke's hairdresser joke, slightly paraphrased.

A man is at the hairdresser and makes conversation.

The hairdresser asks him "You going anywhere for your holidays?"

The man says, "Me and my wife are going to Rome".

"Why do you want to go to Rome?"

"I love Italian food".

"Well, it's all fish and chip shops in Rom...

Tommy Cooper gag

A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.

Shock Rocker Alice Cooper says he's taken up Tap Dancing during lockdown, with online group lessons every Wednesday

He says he's making slow progress, but doing better than Elton John, who - after six weeks - is still standing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many elephants can you fit in a Mini Cooper?

Four: two in the front, two in the back.

How many giraffes can you fit in a Mini Cooper? None, 'cause there's already all those elephants in there.

How do you get to Wales (two whales) in a Mini Cooper? Same way you get to Wales in any other car; you get on the M4 and you go across the...

A man gets pulled over by the police. When a policeman asks him to show his driving license, he responds "You need to cooperate."

The policeman asks him "What do you mean by "cooperate"?"

The driver replies "Well, last week one of you took my license away, and now you want me to show it!"

How do you get two whales in a Mini Cooper?

Take the M4, across the Severn Bridge.

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Every Man needs a Beautiful wife, intelligent wife, caring wife, loving wife, sexy wife, adjusting & cooperative wife.

But it's sad that law allows only one wife.

What's Sheldon Cooper's favorite type of pasta?

*knock knock knock* Penne
*knock knock knock* Penne
*knock knock knock* Penne

What’s even more difficult than getting your pregnant wife into a MINI Cooper?

Getting your wife pregnant in a MINI Cooper

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The new Toyota Supra was engineered in cooperation with BMW.

I’m not saying I don’t like it, I’m just worried because of the last time Germany and Japan teamed up.

A big bus stops at a roadside eatery.

The passengers flood inside the eatery and as they take their respective seats the driver calls the manager aside and explains, "Look sir, we're from the mental asylum down the road. I'm taking the inmates for a ride. When they're done eating they will insist on paying with bottle caps like they do ...

Why is it hard to cooperate with the United Nations?

Cause UN I will never be a thing.

I took saxophone lessons for six months...

...until I dislocated my jaw. How did I know I was supposed to blow in the small end?



(credit: Tommy Cooper)

Yeah, Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper were both phenomenal, but I'm more excited for the upcoming Icelandic remake

A Star Is Björn

I tried to get a group of crows together but they wouldn't cooperate.

It was an attempted murder.

The CEO of a large cooperation was giving advice to a junior executive.

"I was young, married and out of work," he lectured. "I took the last nickel I had and bought an apple. I polished it and sold it for a dime. The next day I bought two apples, polished them and sold them for ten cents each."

"I see," said the junior executive. "You kept reinvesting your money...

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TIL: Many medieval surnames like Fletcher or Cooper refer to the patriarch's traditional occupation.

I guess I won't be marrying Mr. Dickinson.

What kind of car do you drive before you hijack an airline?

A DB Mini Cooper

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Ant

1. 5 ants + 5 ants = Tenants
2. To bring an ant from another country into your country = Important
3. Ant that goes to school = Brilliant
4. Ant that is looking for a job = Applicant
5. A spy ant = Informant
6. A very little ant = Infant
7. An ant that uses a gun = Militant
8. ...

A global crisis broke out, affecting every nation and people of all kinds

In response, the world banded together and quickly solved the problem through mutual cooperation and understanding

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

Doctor Doctor

Ok so a Tommy Cooper joke that has kept me chuckling all day.

So I went to the Doctor’s yesterday. He said, “What appears to be the problem?” I said, “I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away.” I see says the doctor I am not...

Tried to photograph formica spraying acid

But they wood-ant cooperate

A guy and his wife made a list of people they are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the opportunity..

She picks Brad Pitt, Chris Hemsworth, David Beckham, Channing Tatum and Bradley Cooper.

He picks her sister, her cousin, her best friend, their next door neighbor and there son's third grade teacher.

Men are simple like that.

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My collection of elephant jokes

**Q: Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?**

A: Because they're *really* good at it

**Q: Why should you never walk in the jungle between five and six?**

A: Because that's when the elephants get out of the trees.

**Q: Why are there pygmies in the jungle?**
...

We’ve been watching so much CNN that

My kid thinks Anderson Cooper, Jake Tapper, Wolf Blitzer and John King are the founding fathers.

Little Jonny is having a difficult time with the math lesson so...

The teacher, Miss Cooper decides to use a situation that little Jonny can relate to. She knows little Jonny likes to hunt birds so she asks little Jonny "if there are if 5 birds on a wooden fence and you shoot one how many are left"? Little Jonny replies "none" once you shoot one the other birds fly...

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During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children enter the dining room totally nude and walk slowly around the table.

The parents are so embarrassed that they pretend nothing is happening and keep the conversation going. The guests cooperate and also continue as if nothing extraordinary is happening. After going all the way around the room the children leave, and there is a moment of silence at the table, during wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack was doing his online classes when he got bored and decided needed to say something, so he clicked the raise hand button.

Mr.Cooper (the teacher) said,

"Yes Jack?"

Jack replies with,

"Oh sorry sir I was just stretching."

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my Fs, my Ts or my Hs."

"Well you can't say fairer than that then."


(it's an old Tommy Cooper joke, no credit to me)

A man was caught in a river current and hanging on to some rocks in order to avoid being carried away.



Nasrudin and a friend noticed him, and the friend went up to him, extended his arm, and said, "Give me your hand so I can help you out."

The man, however, did not cooperate.

Nasrudin then asked the man what he did for a living.

"I collect taxes," the other replied.
...

A blonde is tired of being teased, so she dies her hair brown and moves to the countryside...

A blonde is tired of being teased, so she dyes her hair brown and moves to the countryside. As she’s driving home one day she spots a farmer leaning on a fence chewing a piece of straw.

“Ha, I’m going to put one over on that dumb farmer!”, she says to herself, pulling over.

“Greetings,...

I like bands that are named for their lead singer.

You know, like Alice Cooper and Tool.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Help, my wife is missing!!!

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over 170 centermeters tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never ...

We're sorry to announce that April fools has been postponed.

Due to the recent coronavirus crisis, April fools has been postponed to May 1st, 2020.
Thanks for your cooperation.

What's a pirates least favorite letter?

Dear AT&T Customer...

We are sending you this letter to notify you that your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.

We will be contacting you again soon, thanks for your cooperation.
...

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Spy

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8 -year old
son in the flat, was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on
all the street activities.

Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation;
<...

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Priest doing crossword in the confessional.

A priest sat in the confessional. He was bored by all the same old confessions, so he was working on a crossword puzzle. Suddenly, he heard the confessor saying, "Father? Father? Are you listening to me?"

"I'm sorry." said the priest, "Now I must be the one to confess. I was working on this ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Porn movies are positive movies:

No murder,
No war,
No fight,
No conspiracy,
No cheating,
No racism,
No religious fanatics,
No language problem,
No crying or teasing,
Good cooperation,
Good coordination,
Natural acting,
Everybody enjoys the climax,
Lots of love,
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.....

....He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or w...

For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just ...

Caught my wife in bed with my best friend...

Cooper's not usually allowed on the bed but the dogs so damn cute

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why God never got a PhD

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
t...

Golf

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. Your Holiness, said one of the Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths. The Pope thou...

Two friends: a christian arab, and his indian friend were on a plane

Suddenly there was a turbulance and the captain announces “ this is the captain, I am sorry to inform you that we have technical problems with one engine and we need to loose some weight “ the passengers were upset when he continued “ we’ll be fair with everyone: Africans and asians we need you to ...

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Schmidt's boss was about to fire him when he said... [Long]

"I know people!"

Schmidt's boss looked at him, "are you threatening me?"

"No, no, not like that" Schmidt pauses, "I'm friends with everyone! Who would you like to meet? If you let me stay in this job, you can hang out with anyone!"

The boss thought for a second, skeptical. "I'll...

A father has a 8 year old kid named Jimmy that was always too afraid to ride a bike.

The dad says to Jimmy “Today is the day that you learn to ride a bike”
Jimmy responds “Dad, you know I can’t”
His dad replies with “Jimmy you have to learn how to ride a bike”
Jimmy refused to attempt it so his dad literally picked him up and put him on a bike. The dad was persistent in try...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A ghost was arrested on charges of scaring a family to death.

Ghost: “I promise I didn’t do it officer. I’ll cooperate 100%.”

Officer: “You need to be completely transparent with us.”

...

Officer: “Shit. Where’d he go?”

A Canadian cop is watching the bar after last call (Long)

Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street, outside a Legion Hall just off the main Street at Dauphin, Manitoba.

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled a...

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Two drug dealers are caught. They did not resist arrest and they owned up to it right away.

They go to court.

“Ok,” said the judge, “since this is your first offense and you cooperated so well I won’t send you to jail under one condition: you have to get as many kids off drugs as you can. You have he weekend to do it.”

The two of them spilt up and went out to get kids off dru...

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A group of philosophers entered a statue contest…

After an hour, their statue was ready. The judge walked up to see a row of tees in grass, with soccer balls sitting on top.
The judge said, "Excellent work. As philosophers, I can see how you've incorporated your jobs into your piece. The soccer represents cooperation among mankind, to protect ...

A man hired a contractor to renovate his kitchen

The contractor said to the man that he was nearly done.

The homeowner said "no way that you are - there is a giant hole in the granite countertop!"

Frustrated with how long the renovation had taken, the homeowner started yelling at the contractor and his assistant, who was standing in ...

New shoes in Soviet Russia

Comrades Evgeny and Aleksander are old-time friends. One day Evgeny meets Aleksander in the street and tells him excitedly that a new batch of shoes has finally become available to purchase as part of the current five-year plan! He knows Aleksander badly needs new shoes, his only pair are worn from ...

Donald Trump has an open position in his cabinet ...

Donald Trump has an open position in his cabinet. There are 3 candidates. A lobbyist, a campaign contributor, and a Mexican. He interviews them one after another.

The lobbyist he asks: What is 1 + 3?

The lobbyist: Puh, that's a hard question, but my cooperation allows me to pay you 50...

My favorite surprise joke.

From experience, this works best if you tell it when you return from a trip without flagging that it's a joke + adjust it to fit the trip:

Everything went fine until we got to the airport late in Barcelona. We ended up in the security line behind this Alice Cooper type, with piercings stickin...

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