UPJOKE
takeknowtimecontinueoverkeepkeepableretentionsavefileturngetrecordkeepingtracktrackeritineraryregister

If I had a nickel for everytime I didn't understand how Brits keep track of money...

I'd have 4 bob, 6 shillings, 2 quid, a crown, a sovereign, and 5 thripince.

How does Dr. Frankenstein keep track of his body parts?

He uses an organ-izer.

How do babies keep track of their fathers?

They use an extensive dada-base.

How does a rancher keep track of his cattle?

With a cow-culator.

There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.

Kind of.. Kung Fusing

My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”

I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”

I teach public school, and every day I have to keep track of who showed up and who didn't

That's just how I roll

How does the Pope keep track of his online spending?

He checks his Papal account.

How does Peter Parker keep track of the number of arachnids in any given neighborhood?

He uses his spider census.

How do lumberjacks keep track of all the trees they cut down?

With a logbook.

How does Santa keep track of the bad sea creatures?

He puts them on the nautilus.

What system was used to keep track of the Millennium Falcon's Library?

The Chewie-decimal system

Jehovah is showing Ra around Heaven one day...

... when a man runs up to them, crosses himself, then spreads his arms and closes his eyes.

"Excuse me," Jehovah says to Ra, "this will only take a second." He waves his hands, there's a flash of light, and a purring kitten goes scampering away from where the man had been.

"Other than ...

What utensil in the kitchen is used to keep track of time?

A colander!

It was a lot easier to keep track of the days of the week back then

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

Why is it so hard to keep track of counting in Afghanistan?

Because of the Taliban
(say it out loud)

Did you know that dogs keep track of how many times you've stepped on their tail?

It's your Yelp score

With this new app, you'll be able to keep track of the speed at which your pet mice move and share it online in just a matter of seconds.

Introducing: Mice Pace

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

Upon arriving at the pearly gates, Jesus said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. I really think you'll like it here."

Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how H...

A man has a vision of God

God says to the man "You may ask three questions of me."

The man thinks hard, and says "God, the universe is so old...how do you keep track of it?"

God says "My child, to me a million years is only one second."

The man thinks again, and says "God, why do so many rich people forg...

A buddy of mine is a railroad engineer. I asked him how many derailments he had

He lost count. It's hard to keep track.

I got jet lag on my last trip to Paris...

The French doctor prescribed me something to keep track of time: Queloratil.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple from Alabama got engaged

The wife was still friends with a lot of her exes, but her fiancé didn’t mind. He just didn’t want them at the wedding.

The wife agreed it would be awkward, saying that it would be weird if she invited someone she’s slept with. Her exes were a little upset about not being able to go to her w...

Free drinks

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he see...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I dreamed I died and went to heaven with you.

When we arrived to heaven, there were clocks everywhere, as far as the eye can see.

We stopped a passing angel and asked them to explain the clocks.

"What's with all the clocks?", I asked.

The Angel responded that they each represent a person on Earth. They keep track of how muc...

I hate this show.

It’s so poorly written. They introduce so many new characters, it’s impossible to keep track. And it seems like some of them hardly do anything, they just hang around and say, like, five lines per episode.

What’s it called? Hang on, let me check.

“Presidential debate.”

A guy arrives at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter welcomes him and gives him a tour of the main building. One of the room is filled with clocks.
St. Peter explains: "These clocks keep track of every lie someone deceased or still alive has ever made. For example, this is Mother Teresa's clock. The time is exactly midnight 0 minutes 3 se...

A hitman has a high profile Indian Businessman as a target

He receives intel that the Indian Businessman will have a quick exchange with another associate in a crowded marketplace at 1200 the next day. He is also given a description of the target and warned that the target will only stay for a few minutes at most. That night, the hitman sets up on the rooft...

An engineer was trying to design the world's fastest car.

An engineer was trying to design the world's fastest car. So he could keep track of the different models, he gave a different letter to each model.

The first time, he could only get the car to go 135 mph. Thinking he could do better, he redesigned the car, tried again, and made the car go 14...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus full of blind people was traveling on the road.

After driving for a long time, the bus driver gets tired and needs to rest. He parks the bus near a cafeteria.

"I'm going to eat lunch and take a rest," the driver says to the blind passengers. "I'll come back in an hour."

"No problem," says one of the blind men. "We'll play soccer whi...

Two priests die at the same time

and meet St. Peter
at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "I'd like to get you
guys in now but our computers are down. You'll have to
go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back
as humans. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an
eagle, soaring...

Wandering through the hot desert, a youthful looking man comes upon a tent. Intrigued, he ventures inside...

...there before him lies a table with three upright cups. Behind the table, grinning ear to ear, is the proprietor.

“Welcome! Welcome!”, the proprietor says. “Care to play? Only five shekels. Keep track of which cup has the bean under it and win double.”

Unmoved, the man replies, “Cert...

Fidel Castro Dies and Goes to Heaven

Castro finds himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter is there, surprised to see him. He says, "Fidel, you've done so many awful things in your life, how did you get here?"

Castro says, "It was the Pope. He blessed me and told me I must have been chosen by God, so I was certainly going to heave...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.