UPJOKE

Keep In Mind Jokes

A man finds a genie lamp, rubs it and poof a Genie appears.

Genie: I have the power to grant you 3 wishes but keep in mind, whatever you wish, your mother-in-law will receive two-fold…

Man: Ok. My first wish is for 1 billion dollars.

Genie: Your wish is granted, but keep in mind that your mother-in-law will receive 2 billion dollars.

Ma...

What’s the difference between an elevator and a pair of leggings?

The elevator has a weight limit to keep in mind.

Reverse joke challenge

This is a game I came up with, the rules are pretty simple:

Post a question in the form of: "What do you call an (animal) with a (object)?" And I (or someone else) will respond with a laffy taffy quality pun as a response. This creates a new terrible joke as a result!

Keep in mind thes...

My father died on 9/11, I will never forget his last words

Allahu Akbar.

[Do keep in mind that this is not my joke, I just want to spread laughs]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A USMC veteran decides he wants to die in a very badass way.

After some time thinking, he figures the most badass way to die is while rowing across the Atlantic (keep in mind, he's a Marine; not too bright). So he makes his way to the East Coast, buys a dingy, and gets to rowing.

"ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! MARINE CORPS! MARINE CORPS!" he eagerly chants as...

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

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A greek and an Irish were comparing their heritages.

"We built the pantheon, along with the Temple of Apollo", said the Greek.

"Aye, 'twas the Irish the discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices", replied the Irish.

"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."

"Granted, but was the Irish who built the first tim...

I don't know how anyone can take Putin critics seriously, with how stupid they are.

Keep in mind that these are the same people who habitually trip and fall backwards onto bullets and lock themselves in suitcases.

I finally found an active Hillary Clinton sub with a lot of subscribers!

/r/politics

A couple and their two sons are watching TV

She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few min...

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A man walks into a bank

and walks up to a pretty, young clerk.

"I want to open a fucking bank account," he says.

The clerk looks up, mildly shocked, sure she's misheard. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me," says the man. "I want to open a fucking bank account."

The clerk puts down her pen. "Sir, I'm go...

We just flew into Atlanta, and the landing was HORRIBLE.

After the overhead bins quit popping open and the bouncing stopped and the dust settled, the flight attendant got on the intercom and explained.

“I just want to apologize for that terrible landing, but keep in mind that it wasn’t the pilot’s fault. And it wasn’t the airplane’s fault. It was ...

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Two little boys are sitting in the living room watching TV with their parents. The Mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs.

The Mother turns back to the two boys and says "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV. We'll be right back. Okay?"

The two boys nod okay, and the parents take off upstairs. The oldest of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on now and he gets up and tipt...

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"I'm the strongest man alive"

said the drunk man to the bartender.

"Oh really? Well we actually have our own local strongman competition, if you're interested. Keep in mind, it's a bit obscure. You up for it?"

"Psh. I can do anything," he slurs.

"Okay. Your first test is behind that door. You need to hogtie...

A blind man walks in a bar

He asks the bar tender if he wants to here a blonde joke then a man stops him and says "Hey before you tell that joke keep in mind that I am blonde, this marine here blonde, this black belt blonde, this boxer blonde, and finally the bartender himself is blonde. Do you still want to tell that joke?" ...

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Oh, Little Johnny.....at it again

One day, about a week prior to his birthday, Little Johnny’s dad asks, “Johnny, I know your birthday is coming up, and your mother and I really want it to be a good one, but with your mother losing her job recently, and the fact that we have a $280,000 mortgage, we may not be able to spend too much....

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A joke my 95 y/o grandmother told me...

(Keep in mind that this woman -before she passed a few years ago- was born and lived in a place before cars came there. Enjoy.)

A young girl was very excited to be going on her first date with a boy she had sought after for many months. She was so excited that she, unfortunately, became quite...

A man is being tried for murder, but the body has not yet been found.

The jury is considering the death penalty. The man's defense lawyer comes on the podium and says he has a revelation to make.

"The victim is alive," the lawyer says, "I found him and he will enter this doorway right about now."

The court then turns their heads toward the door waiting ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You have died and gone to hell

When you arrive in hell, you are greeted with a very happy and joyful Satan

Satan: WELCOME TO HELL!!!!! Please, let’s get you checked in and see where you will fit in our depths.

Satan scans the book of life. Locates your name

Satan: Ohhh, I see!!!! OH, WOW that is a lot of ti...

Kids

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you....

After a brief, bloodless gunfight,

Prickly Bob and his Saddlesore Gang have managed to capture Dan Hollings, Deputy of Tombstone. Prickly Bob, not wanting a murder warrant on his head, has decided to let the desert take care of his latest problem with the law.

Now, I won't lie to you. Alone and buried up to his chin in red des...

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