Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back t...

Three priests are meeting to discuss how to manage church funds

Three priests are having a meeting and the topic of money comes up. The question each has to answer is what is the best way to decide how much money goes back to God and how much money the priest keeps for himself.

The first priest says that he prefers to completely clear a large table and s...

After getting a huge bonus at work, I used it to fund my parents' trip to a beach resort in the Caribbean.

They spent a week enjoying the son's raise.

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer....

So a wealthy ancient Egyptian was approached by the Pharaoh's messenger asking for funding for their rulers tomb. He replied,

"it seems likes its just a pyramid scheme"

A priest, a minister and a rabbi are discussing how they divide the collection funds between Gods work and personal use.

The priest says “I draw a circle in the center of the room, take the money and throw it into the air and what falls in the circle goes to God and the rest I keep”.

The minister says “I use a similar system but I draw a line down the center of the room and what is on the left God gets and the ...

A wonderful uplifting story !!!

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $15,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'...

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Donald Trump holds a fund raising campaign rally.

During the rally, he steps down from the stage and slaps one of his cheering supporters. Now the shit has really hit the fan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Penis study...

I haven't seen this one in +20 years so here goes..

PENIS STUDY

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000.00 The results of the study concluded that the reaso...

A hedge fund manager gets out of his Porsche.

As soon as he does, a truck comes and shreds the door off.

“Aaah! My Porsche!”

A bystander immediately told him,
“Sir, you didn’t even realize that you lost your arm!”

The hedge fund manager looked down in disbelief.

“Aaah! My Rolex!”

What do you call collecting funds to get your buddy out of jail?



Bro Fund Me.

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

what do you get if you cross an octopus with a scorpion?

A freeze on your funding, and an immediate visit from the ethics committee.

A hacker saw my financials

He set up a go fund me

Starting Salary.

,Reaching the end of a job interview, the interviewer asked a young engineer, "What starting salary were you thinking about?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a packag...

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I met a guy in Japan once, and we struck up a conversation. He seemed upset about something, so I asked what was wrong.

He said that due to lack of funding, the origami elective at his school had folded.

Country joke #3- Japan. My next one will be about the USA.

The cell phone manufacturer Motorola has developed a new phone and is going to donate all sales proceeds to help fund the rebuilding of Notre Dame.

They’re calling it the QuasiMotorola.

There was once a man

Let's call him Jim. Jim had a remarkably ordinary life. He went to school, got his degree, got himself a secure office job, set up his pension fund, met a nice girl, got married, and had 2 wonderful sons. Jim was set for life. But he was bored.

It was that sneaky boredom that you don't quite ...

What would you get if you genetically crossed a rabbit and an oyster?

Your funding taken away and a call from the ethics board.

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Arizona bill proposes charging porn consumers $20 to fund Trump's border wall. [OC]

In other words: If you cum, they will build it.

(Resubmitting due to rule violation the first time)

I’m never again donating a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon.

They just take the money and run.

Did you hear the Russians have began funding and creating technology to compromise and undermine the USA’s recent Central American initiatives?

They have created a ladder

How did the artist with the trust fund pay for all his supplies?

With the money he got from his dada.

If congress approves funding for the wall ...

... Mexico will get a wall and the USA will pay for it.

Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist...

We would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.

Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of
God, the rival florist across town thought the competition
was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the
...

When the sun sets every evening, Superman moves all his Bitcoin investments into a regular mutual fund.

He tries to protect himself from Crypto night.

Why do jails receive more funding than nursing homes?

The politicians who make the budget don't worry about ending up in nursing homes.

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Old man

An 80 year old man gets a letter from the IRS saying to call their office as soon as possible. The old man picked up the phone and called the IRS and an agent says that he noticed some irregularities with his money where there was a large amount of funds going in and out of his account and he needs ...

There's a church running out of funding

Because their beliefs aren't popular anymore. They're very conservative, and the members are very loyal. There isn't another church like them in any nearby town, and they don't want to let their members down. The church is run by friars sworn to be completely devout to the church and work nowhere el...

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What do you call the funding for a porn?

A thrust fund.

A tribal artisan approache Mr. Narendra Modi, Prime minister of India with a proposal

Artisan : Mr. PM, Can I make a statue of yours in my tribal style?

PM: Ok, Please go ahead.

Artisan: Will I get any remuneration?

PM: I will give you 100,000 Indian Rupees for it.

Artisan was so happy, he worked hard and made a very beautiful statue of PM.

PM was v...

Every ATM I went to today gave me a receipt that said “Not enough funds.”

The bank really needs to get their life together.

Jewish Thinking

A Jewish couple is sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and this plane will be going down momentarily.

L...

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There was once a really smart bee.

Ever since he was little, he had always wanted more than the simple, boring lives led by his fellow bees. After a few years, he left his job, his hive, and his family behind, in search of a better life.
He flew for hours until he came to a small Virginia town, on the edge of a forest. He landed, ...

TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.

Whoops, wrong sub.

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A government study was funded to study various sexual perversions: sado-masochism, necrophilia and bestiality.

The study was soon halted however, the researchers decided they were just beating a dead horse.

An American politician invites an Indian minister to his home.

The AP shows the Indian minister his Rolls Royce.

"Beautiful isn't it?" He asks the minister.

"Hmm, Yes it is"

"Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?"
*the AP points in a direction*
"You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets"
<...

They should stock ATM's better.

I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.

I spent my children's college fund on a boat...

I'm going to call it the scholarship.

What do you call a potato that becomes US President and silences the news, silences government agencies, silences government funded science and ends international treaties?

A dic-tater.

Betsy DeVos's school funding plan...

You start with $0.

But if you sign up 5 kids for school, and those kids sign up 5 more kids, and THOSE kids sign up 5 more kids...

Does the Ku Klux Klan hold a 3k run every year as a fund raiser?

Shouldn't they? I mean, they are racists after all. The publicity just writes itself.

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Three men are dying...

Three old men are on their deathbeds. The first says "I've lived a good life. I've supported my family, I've donated to charity, I've lived a good life. But my greatest disappointment is never having sex with an absolutely beautiful woman."

The second man says "I'm a very rich man. I have sev...

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[Long] A man goes to a monastery in the middle of the Himalayas.

The man went to this monastery, because he wanted a break from the busy life of the city. Let's call him Dave.

Since they were in the middle of nowhere, and since he was going to be here a while, he decided to get to know some of the monks there. Apparently he hadn't been the first one to com...

With terrorists in Iran, Turkey helping fund ISIS, and Greece in economic shambles I must ask.

If Iran attacked Turkey from the rear do you think Greece would help?

Why did the producers of 007 films use government debt to fund their newest film?

Because interest in the Bond is so low.

What do you call it when a hedge fund manager loses his job to a Watson inspired AI built by IBM?

It doesn't matter. We'll all be laughing too hard to care.

Whats the difference between a hippie and a mutual fund.

Eventually a mutual fund matures and gains profit

What did the US healthcare system say to the people?

Go Fund Me

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Snowflakes.

Credit: my friend's 3-year-old made this up. I'll pass on any karma to his college fund.

Letter to the IRS

## Letter to the IRS – Oh, if only paying our federal income tax were actually this easy …

Attn: IRS

Enclosed is my current tax return & payment.

Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see the Pentagon is paying $171....

A physicist with an idea for research was asking the college board for funds.

The chairman responded: "Your proposal sounds really interesting, but it's way too expensive for this college. This is the problem we always have with physicists, they bring promising projects that we could never afford. I wish you were more like mathematicians. They come once every September asking...

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The US, England and Ireland are presented with a question. Why is the head of the penis larger than the shaft?

The US funds a study for 6 months at $20 million, and concludes it is to give the man more pleasure during sex.

The British, not to be outdone by the Yankees, spend 3 months and half the money, and concludes it's to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The Irish, not to be outdone ...

A Rabbi, Priest and a Monk

Are discussing how they will divide their respective churches funds with God.
The Monk draws a circle on the ground and says “I will throw all the money in the air and what lands inside the circle I will give to God and what lands outside my monastery will keep”.
The Priest said, “Great idea...

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A man walks into a bank

He's accompanied by a broker. The man asks to speak to someone about making a large deposit, so the banker sends him straight to the boss.

"Good morning," says the man, "I'm here to deposit $40,000.

"Well now," says the banker, "how did you acquire such funds? We like to keep a clean n...

Trump wants to cut funding for birth control, renegotiate trade deals, and stop the wars in the Middle East.

It seems pulling out is his solution for everything.

Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.

"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer.

"Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great."

"Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."

"Thanks. I'll put it in my colleg...

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RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

*This is a parody because the original is posted almost daily*

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He lo...

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Four Jewish brothers left home for college...

Four Jewish brothers left home for college to become a lawyer, a doctor, a hedge fund operator, and a retailer. They all prospered. Some years later, chatting after a Channukah dinner, they discussed the gifts
that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, "I had a b...

A group of Irish friars was running short of funds...

A group of Irish friars was running short of funds, so they decided to start a business selling flowers from the cathedral gardens. Happily, their business was extremely successful- so successful, in fact, that the local flower shop could no longer stand up to the competition. The owner, determine...

A greedy old miser dies alone. In his will he's divided his fortune between his pastor, his doctor, and his lawyer with one last request...

The old man's will states that he wishes to take his fortune with him. His final request is that these three, the last man on earth he feels he can trust, each bring their allotment of his fortune to his funeral, ten million each, and deposit the money in his coffin and bare witness as it's sealed a...

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A physicist is called into the dean's office to explain his request for funding.

The dean's pissed. "Why are you spending so much money on fancy gadgets and machinery? Why can't you be like the mathematicians? All they need is paper, pencil, and wastebaskets. Or better yet, why can't you be like the philosophers? All they need is paper and pencil."

What do you call an emo hosting a charity event?

Fund razor.

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Let me tell you a story of a guy named Juan.

Juan was the custodian at a local grade school. Everyone loved Juan. He was so sweet and compassionate with the kids and did a wonderful job. One day the principal came up to Juan and said:

"You know Juan, you care about this school so much, maybe you should run for the board of education"...

An Investment Banker Was Getting Married.

During Wedding, The Wife Vomits.
Husband: "What Happened?"
Wife: "Capital Gains Arising Out Of Previous Investment."
Husband: "U cheated me.."
Wife: "U should know, mutual fund investments are subject to market risks!"

A reporter at an interview asked Donald Trump..

A reporter at an interview asked Donald Trump the following question: "Can you tell us, Mr. President, why did you cut primary school funding and why did you raise government prisons' funding by 200%?"


"Well I'm certainly not going to go back to primary school, am I?"

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A donor is being given a tour of the hospital wing he helped fund...

a young doctor is showing him around and suddenly they open a door and see a nurse giving a man a hand job. The donor furiously demands to know what's going on. The doctor says "oh, that man has a prostate issue and the nurse is doing that as part of the examination". They move along and a short...

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head...

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head... he sits down at the bar and the bartender says "WHOA! How did you get a lemon for a head?" The man replies "if you pour me free drinks all night, I'll tell you the story" the bartender agrees and starts to pour him a drink. The man starts to te...

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Getting really fucking annoyed now!

This is the 6th ATM I've been to, that's had "insufficient funds".

Pink Floyd is having trouble funding a remastered version of "The Wall"

They're making Mexico pay for it

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Seven



One to promote the project to the public and congress

One to write the bill and bring it to congress

One to approve the bill once it has been brought up

One to secure the zoning rights once the bill has passed

One to allocate the necessary funds from ...

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Penis study

For whatever reason, Saudi Arabia decided to fund a study to find out why the penis had the shape it does. Specifically the larger head at the end. After a significant investment and several months, Saudi Arabia conclude that it was to enhance the mans pleasure.

Due to ongoing tensions, Canad...

What do you call a mental person who needs money?

Fund-a-mental

The sad story of Stanislaw.

Nearing the end, Stanislaw is surrounded by loved ones. As the final moment approaches, he gathers all his strength and whispers, "I must tell you my greatest secret."

His family urges him to go on. "Before I got married, I had it all," Stanislaw explains. "Fast cars, cute girls, and plenty o...

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