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How do hedge fund workers jerk off?

They give it a short squeeze.

Those hedge funds should have known they'd lose money by shorting GME.

As for us Gamestop customers, we fully expect to sell something for $20 and have to spend $500 when we want to buy it back.

What do you call a bunch of hedge funds that already lost $70 B shorting stocks?

A good start. HOLD the LINE.

After having his title stripped and funds cut off by the Royal Family, Harry has taken up painting to supplement his income.

He’s the Artist formerly known as Prince.

To the game stop hedge fund investors: I know you spent 70 billion.

But the best I can offer you is $4 in credit.

A redditor repeating 15, 15, 15 ... passes by a hedge fund manager.

The hedge fund manager starts to follow him curiously. The redditor keeps repeating 15. The hedge fund manager follows him out of the town, on an unpaved road, to the edge of a cliff where the redditor looks down repeating 15. The hedge fund manager comes next to him to look down into the cliff. The...

I started a charity for the billionaire hedge fund investors affected by the Game Stop Short Squeeze.

But Soon after, I realized there’s already a Charity for them, The US Government.

After being shorted by hedge funds, Gamestop, AMC, Blackberry and Nokia are watching those funds cry about their losses

I guess you could say those... companies love misery

An old man walks into a jewelry with a much younger gal

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring ov...

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A school teacher, a police officer, and a hedge fund founder are trapped on a deserted island.

After scavenging for days with little success, they come across a magical lamp. The officer decides to give it a quick rub and out pops a genie.

"Hello, I am here to grant each of you an imperishable supply of food and water as you await your rescue. Be warned, it can only be consumed only ...

Why do Republicans hate funding NASA?

NASA aborts rocket launches.

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When I was in high school, my class had a rule that whoever swears, that person had to donate 1 dollar to the class fund

One day my friend sweared, following the set rule, he came up near the fund jar, held a 2-dollar note, as he was putting it into the jar, he said: “Keep the change, motherfuckers!”

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. It concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. The...

I went to a hedge fund manager's work to punch him in the face

And order a McDouble

I'm so poor my only funds are daylight savings...

but at least it's trickling down for a rainy day.

I went to the pawn shop yesterday to raise some funds to pay some bills.

They gave me $4500 and never even took the gun!

How did they fund four weddings and a funeral?

A Huge Grant

England is finally honoring it's longest river entirely in it's border by making repairs to the over 45 navigation locks used for transportation, improving the many drinking water systems abstracting flow from it's discharge into the sea, and providing for wildlife sanctuaries near the coast.

The people will vote on the entire referendum poised to fund the project.

It's called the Bond...the Thames Bond....

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Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv...

... reading newspapers. One is reading a reputed newspaper published in Tel Aviv, but the other is reading an anti-Semitic propaganda paper published by Iranian subverts.

The first guy asks the second: "why in God's name are you reading that anti-Semitic rag?"

The second guy responded...

I spent my children's college fund on a boat...

I'm going to call it the scholarship.

You don't need to worry about your debts or funds for the next 15 years when you rob a bank.

Either way the robbery goes out.

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has came up with a new machine to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others , they have named it in honour of Putin who funded the project

It is called RARA’s Grasp-Putin, Russia’s greatest glove machine

The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles as a fund raiser. One ambitious but nervous young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced woman came to the door:

She: "What do you want, Sonny?"

He: "D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m-ma'am?"

She: "Well! Do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?"

He: "S-s-sorry, Ma'am ... W-w-what about vinegar bottles?"

The World Wildlife Fund has stated that if humans keep fishing at the current pace, there will be no more fish left in the oceans by 2048.

Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

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Why, what, who?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does...

Some people would call misappropriations of inauguration funds a felony...

but it’s actually pronounced Felania!

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back t...

Three priests are meeting to discuss how to manage church funds

Three priests are having a meeting and the topic of money comes up. The question each has to answer is what is the best way to decide how much money goes back to God and how much money the priest keeps for himself.

The first priest says that he prefers to completely clear a large table and s...

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[long] So this guy is working at his jewelry store when a little guy walks in with a stunning, beautiful girl

The jeweler helps the odd couple and keeps showing them all kinds of jewelry. It's the first time he sees this guy, so he pushes the typical, "most affordable" stuff, but the guy doesn't seem to concerned about the prices so he continues showing them even more expensive stuff.

After almost a...

George Washington and Alexander Hamilton go to the bar with their troops after a day of battle.

The troops are having fun and telling stories to each other. The generals are planning new strategies to continue their victorious ways. Washington and Hamilton order a few drinks and are discussing how to continue to fund the war against the British.

The night progresses on and the troops ar...

What do you get when you cross a chimpanzee with a rhinoceros?

A meeting with the ethics committee and swift removal of your research funding.

After getting a huge bonus at work, I used it to fund my parents' trip to a beach resort in the Caribbean.

They spent a week enjoying the son's raise.

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A man has an elephant...

A man has an elephant that is getting too expensive to feed, so he puts an ad in the paper for a 50/50 contest. 20 dollars to enter, and if you can make the elephant jump, you win half the pot. Many people try but nobody can do it. One day, a slick guy in a Cadillac shows up puts money in the jar...

A hedge fund manager gets out of his Porsche.

As soon as he does, a truck comes and shreds the door off.

“Aaah! My Porsche!”

A bystander immediately told him,
“Sir, you didn’t even realize that you lost your arm!”

The hedge fund manager looked down in disbelief.

“Aaah! My Rolex!”

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

How many lab rats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

More than 500, but we've exhausted our funding.

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Donald Trump holds a fund raising campaign rally.

During the rally, he steps down from the stage and slaps one of his cheering supporters. Now the shit has really hit the fan.

So a wealthy ancient Egyptian was approached by the Pharaoh's messenger asking for funding for their rulers tomb. He replied,

"it seems likes its just a pyramid scheme"

Czech Please

The abortion clinic in Prague had to be closed down due to lack of funds... too many cancelled Czechs apparently.

Robinhood did what Robinhood does.

First, robbed the rich hedge funds, then redditors got rich, so it robbed them too!

A priest, a minister and a rabbi are discussing how they divide the collection funds between Gods work and personal use.

The priest says “I draw a circle in the center of the room, take the money and throw it into the air and what falls in the circle goes to God and the rest I keep”.

The minister says “I use a similar system but I draw a line down the center of the room and what is on the left God gets and the ...

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TIL My wife's on r/wallstreetbets

That's what she meant by saying she likes to fuck hegde fund managers, right?

I don't understand why people think money grows on trees when clearly, it actually grows on shrubbery.

That's where hedge funds come from!

Banks should really do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled.

I went to four different ones today and they all said "Insufficient Funds"

Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of
God, the rival florist across town thought the competition
was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the
...

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer....

Knock-knock... Who's there? GameStop... Gamestop who?

GameSTOPPPPP BUYING!!! STOP BUYING!!! My hedge fund is going BANKRUPT!!!

What's the difference between a rafting guide and a mutual fund?

A mutual fund eventually matures and starts making money

Trump says that the Special Olympics will still be funded despite DeVos' plan.

This is presumably so Eric and Don Jr can still compete.

Did you hear the Russians have began funding and creating technology to compromise and undermine the USA’s recent Central American initiatives?

They have created a ladder

I’m never again donating a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon.

They just take the money and run.

The cell phone manufacturer Motorola has developed a new phone and is going to donate all sales proceeds to help fund the rebuilding of Notre Dame.

They’re calling it the QuasiMotorola.

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Arizona bill proposes charging porn consumers $20 to fund Trump's border wall. [OC]

In other words: If you cum, they will build it.

(Resubmitting due to rule violation the first time)

A brilliant scientist successfully creates a lifelike deer cyborg.

Dr. Holmes, after many years of biotechnological research, finally succeeded in his secret project, using funds diverted from his research grant. Because the project needed to be kept off the records, Dr. Holmes kept the deer at home.

The cyborg would grow and develop just as a normal fawn wo...

There's a church running out of funding

Because their beliefs aren't popular anymore. They're very conservative, and the members are very loyal. There isn't another church like them in any nearby town, and they don't want to let their members down. The church is run by friars sworn to be completely devout to the church and work nowhere el...

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An old man is hosting his retirement dinner with his family, friends and coworkers

He’d lived a long life- when he was only 25 he went on a mission trip to South America where he met two young boys who he later adopted. Seeing the standard of living in South America prompted him to study medicine- a field he completely excelled in and successfully developed vaccines for over ten d...

How did the artist with the trust fund pay for all his supplies?

With the money he got from his dada.

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What do you call the funding for a porn?

A thrust fund.

TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.

Whoops, wrong sub.

What do you get when you cross a human and a pig?

A visit from the FBI and an immediate removal of your government funding

Old tribal wisdom says that wh...

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include...
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this hor...

Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.

It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for the past ten years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflect...

When the sun sets every evening, Superman moves all his Bitcoin investments into a regular mutual fund.

He tries to protect himself from Crypto night.

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I need to know if eviction restrictions for COVID are ongoing in DC?

My tenant of 4 years has refused to acknowledge his first notice. Since last Wednesday he has been hiding in the basement. The only time he left was to play golf, so I know he has some funds. Please let me know what my options are. If I even have any?

A different presidential joke

George W. Bush was talking to some of his military advisors, and after listening to their briefings, he stated that he was going to earmark some military funds to send portraits of his predecessor's wife to the troops overseas.

One of his generals sighed, and leaned in. "Sir, we were asking f...

If congress approves funding for the wall ...

... Mexico will get a wall and the USA will pay for it.

Every ATM I went to today gave me a receipt that said “Not enough funds.”

The bank really needs to get their life together.

My friend told me he got hit hard, lost 40% of his net profit in the market in the last year.

I said "so? I lost 85% of my net worth in the market in 1 day"

He said "what? Was it in a mutual fund?!"

I was like "no....my iPhone was stolen at the grocery store"

A little old man goes to the bank to take a house loan

The person behind the desk begins to shuffle around the papers and looks the old man in the eye and asks:

Banker: Aren't you a little bit too old to get a house loan?

Man: I know I'm 65 but I do have some funds saved as well. It's mostly my father who suggested I get a place of my own...

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A government study was funded to study various sexual perversions: sado-masochism, necrophilia and bestiality.

The study was soon halted however, the researchers decided they were just beating a dead horse.

What do you call a potato that becomes US President and silences the news, silences government agencies, silences government funded science and ends international treaties?

A dic-tater.

Betsy DeVos's school funding plan...

You start with $0.

But if you sign up 5 kids for school, and those kids sign up 5 more kids, and THOSE kids sign up 5 more kids...

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I was on my phone reading the news waiting in the supermarket checkout line. A dude came up and asked me, “what’s in the news tonight?”

Me: “Man who pays no taxes returns to government provided housing after receiving free medical treatment from taxpayer funded healthcare.”

Dude: “sounds like some libtard bullshit.”

Me: “Yeah, here is another - Husband of immigrant woman ignores government health guidelines and possibl...

Why was the locksmith such a good singer?

Because the local taxpayers agreed to fund music education in public schools.

Does the Ku Klux Klan hold a 3k run every year as a fund raiser?

Shouldn't they? I mean, they are racists after all. The publicity just writes itself.

Physics vs Philosophy

The physics department of a college seeks funds to buy a cyclotron.
"This is millions and millions of dollars!" says the Dean.
"That's our microscope," says the physicist. "We can't do our research without it."
"Why can't the physics department be more like the mathematics department?...

"What do we want???"

"Increased funding for Alzheimer's research!!!"

"When do we want it???"

"When do we want what???"

With terrorists in Iran, Turkey helping fund ISIS, and Greece in economic shambles I must ask.

If Iran attacked Turkey from the rear do you think Greece would help?

A young man named Theseus moves to a lakeside fishing village looking for work

When he arrives, he finds one of the residents, Justin, is interested in going out and seeing the world, and wants to sell his fishing boat to fund that trip. Thinking that it might be a good way to make a living, Theseus buys the boat and spends the next few years learning the trade, establishing a...

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A woman recently lost her husband.

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Darling, you know that fur coat you promised me? I finally bough...

What do you get when you cross a hamster with a polar bear?

A loss of project funding and a stern telling off from the university ethics committee

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During a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet.

Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands. Once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

From the front of the crowd, a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet: "Well fuckin...

An American politician invites an Indian minister to his home.

The AP shows the Indian minister his Rolls Royce.

"Beautiful isn't it?" He asks the minister.

"Hmm, Yes it is"

"Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?"
*the AP points in a direction*
"You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets"
<...

Trump wants to cut funding for birth control, renegotiate trade deals, and stop the wars in the Middle East.

It seems pulling out is his solution for everything.

A physicist with an idea for research was asking the college board for funds.

The chairman responded: "Your proposal sounds really interesting, but it's way too expensive for this college. This is the problem we always have with physicists, they bring promising projects that we could never afford. I wish you were more like mathematicians. They come once every September asking...

A vet, a banker and a barber walk into a bar.

After a few drinks the banker gloomily says:

“although business has been booming most of the funds have beent going to my cats medication, sadly Bartholomew got run over by a blue honda; i wish i could of seen the driver and give him what he desreves”

With the drinks opening them up t...

A group of Irish friars was running short of funds...

A group of Irish friars was running short of funds, so they decided to start a business selling flowers from the cathedral gardens. Happily, their business was extremely successful- so successful, in fact, that the local flower shop could no longer stand up to the competition. The owner, determine...

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A physicist is called into the dean's office to explain his request for funding.

The dean's pissed. "Why are you spending so much money on fancy gadgets and machinery? Why can't you be like the mathematicians? All they need is paper, pencil, and wastebaskets. Or better yet, why can't you be like the philosophers? All they need is paper and pencil."

A group of charity workers are sent to africa to see how their program is working.

They are walking down a street and see a crocodile with mans head in its mouth. When they get home and are asked about how their trip went one of them says "we can cut all funding, they got Lacoste sleeping bags"

Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist...

We would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.

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A brash American tourist got seated next to a Chinese man in a plane.

Mid flight, the Chinese man ordered for a marmalade sandwich. The American could not contain his curiosity so he struck up a conversation with his seatmate.

"You enjoyin' that sandwich, pal?" he asked

"Yes" politely answered the Chinese man after he took a bite and made a few chews....

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