What would you call an alligator wearing a vest ?

An investigator.

I was talking to an anti-vaxxer who didn't understand vaccinations. I told him to think of a bulletproof vest.

If he didn't vaccinate his kids, I would shoot him.

I'm like a suicide vest.

If you do me right I'll explode on your chest.

What did the policeman say to his chest?

You’re under a vest!

Yea, I got this vest from my deceased grandpa

It was hard to get it though, the priest wouldn't let me open his cascet.

My bullet proof vest is...

Going ballistic

There are several types of vests designed to protect a person...

There's Life Vests - designed to protect a person from drowning.
There's Bullet Proof Vests - designed to protect a person from bullets.
There's High Visibility Safety Vests - designed to protect a person from getting hit while near traffic.
There's Leather Vests - designed to protect a per...

I found a suicide vest in the attic this morning.

I was looking for an old poster I had when I was younger. Couldn’t remember what it was, maybe for a movie? Anyways, I was hunting in the attic and I saw an old vest with several bombs tied to it. I couldn’t see if there was a way to detonate it or not.

So, I took it down to my room, and I d...

They should make birth control for men

Because it makes more sense to fire blanks than shoot at a bulletproof vest.

Recent discoveries will make this joke obsolete, thought I'd give it one more run.

Life vests no longer allowed on flights.

Security specialists found out that they can blow up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A soldier, when he goes to the bathroom always wears a bulletproof vest

His wife asks him: why do you always wear the bulletproof vest when you go to the bathroom?
He replies: when my sergeant gave it to us he said "believe it guys, one day, a piece of shit will shoot you".

Two philosophers are having a discussion about the morality of swords. To back up their claims, one of them picks up a sword and shouts "The tip of this sword could never pierce your leather vest" and proceeds to lunge the sword into their chest

Coughing up blood, the wounded philosopher weakly replies "That's a good point"

The french invented a new bulletproof vest

That is just as efficient as a regular one but much cheaper: it only covers the soldiers' backs

What do you call am alligator in a vest?

An illogical situation imagined by a child.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call an aligator in a vest

~~Investi~~ Fancy as fuck

Just heard this one at the pub: What do you call a monkey with a suicide vest?


^(Don't worry, I kicked him out the door.)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator!

Want to hear a joke about butter? [OK]
Well I butter not tell you, you might spread it.

does anyone have any more "dad jokes" similar to these?

What do you call a reptile that works as a detective?

An investigator.

What do you call an aligator that likes to wear vests when no one else is around?

A private investigator.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor with a terrible headache

After some research, the doctor has to tell the man the following:


'I have good news and bad news... The good news it that I can relieve you of your headaches...'


Relieved, the man replies, 'Oh, that would be so great, doctor!'


A man had excruciating headaches

So he decided once and for all to go see a specialist to see what can be done.

After extensive scans and tests the doctor calls him in and gives him the bad news.

"I'm very sorry sir, you have a very rare case in which your nuts press up against the base of your spine which, in turn,...


What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

One actually does something when its triggered.

**I did not create this joke but found 0 evidence of it being a repost but if it is feel free to let me know.**

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Physics exam

Two students go to physics exam. The first goes in the class and the professor begins with the questions:

* Prof - Lets say you are traveling by train and its getting hot. What will you do?

* Student - Open the window.

* Prof - Very good. The window has a surface of 1.5 m2, the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What the police say to his belly button

Your under a vest.

what's the best way to instantly blend into a crowd?

suicide vest

Interesting Title Here

Pun time!!

Q: What do you call dental x-rays? A: Tooth pics.

Q: What do you call a group of babies? A: An infantry.

Q: Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? A: He pasta away.

Q: Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? A: Because they lactose.

Q: What do yo...

The Old Rich Man, the Young Man and the Apples

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mosquito flies above a river...

In the river there is a fish.
The fish thinks: If that mosquito just flies down a little bit, i can jump and eat that mosquito

Next to the river sits a bear
The bear thinks: If that mosquito flies down a little bit, and the fish grabs it. I can grab the fish.

Behind the bear in t...

An adventurer finds a huge tower

On the first floor he finds to his left a ladder and to his right an attractive woman. She tells him, "Take me here or climb to success." His curiosity gets the better of him so he climbs the ladder.

On the second floor he finds a woman even more attractive than the first one! She says, "Take...

One hot and dry day in the Wild West, this dog walks into a saloon and says, "Gimme a beer".

Evidently this type of thing wasn't too rare 'round those parts because the bartender said, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve dogs here." The dog then took out a silver dollar, dropped it on the bar, and said, "Look, I got money, and I want a beer." This scene had the potential to get ugly. The bartend...

I started a fried chicken joint. In order to be halal, the chickens must be killed in the traditional Islamic manner:

It's pretty hard getting the little explosive-filled vests on them, though.

After a long day of work, Kanye West goes to his Kanye Nest to take his Kanye Rest.

He wakes up feeling his Kanye Best. Then he’ll get Kanye Dressed with his Kanye Vest to go on a Kanye Quest. He goes to church and becomes Kanye Blessed, then to a hotel room to be a Kanye Guest. Then to school to take his Kanye Test. He forgot to brush his teeth. Did he run out of Kanye Crest? His ...

How do you restrain a straight person?

Give them a straight jacket.

How do you restrain a trans person?

Make the trans' vest tight.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You know you're ISIS if...

You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

You destroy world heritage but believe we should plant trees.

You have more wives than teeth.

You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

You think vests come in two sty...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A plane is flying over the ocean ..

The pilot speaks on the intercom, "Engine one has failed, engine two is on its way out. Grab a parachute I wish you the best."
On board was a Catholic priest, a Rabbi, a lawyer and three boy scouts. As they searched for life vest and parachutes they only found three. The Adults huddled to try and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Bear and A Rabbit

A Bear and A Rabbit are walking through the woods, when they come across a magic lamp in a clearing. Upon further investigation, and only 1 attempt to eat it, they release the genie inside who graciously grants them each 3 wishes.

Bear, who lives in the moment quickly says:

"I wish tha...

Clothing related typos...

They're the vest