Vest Jokes - 40 Hilarious Vest Jokes

Duck in a hard hat and hi-vis vest walks into a bar.

A duck wearing a hard hat and a hi-vis walks into a bar. Looking exhausted, he removes his hat, takes a seat and asks for a beer.

The barman eyes him as he pours. “I haven’t seen you in here before,” he says.

“Yeah,” replies the duck. “Do you know the big building surrounded by scaffol...

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say "vest day ever" like a million times.

Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn't as invested as they were.

What do you call an Irishman in a bulletproof vest?

Rick O’Shea

What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?

Bombi.

What is it called when you buy stocks for a company that makes vests?

In-vest-iture

There are many kinds of vests that protect you..

Life vests protect you from drowning.
Bullet proof vests protect you from getting shot.
Reflective vests protect you from getting hit when you are near a road.
And sweater vests protect you from women.

What do you call a barbarian in a reflective vest?

A high-Visigoth.

To whoever stole my shoes and hi-vis vest

You can run but you can't hide

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy walks into the bar, only to find it's empty.

Only the bartended, polishing a glass, is behind the bar.

"Where's everyone at?" Asks the cowpoke.

"At the hangin'." Bartender says.

"Hangin'?!" The cowboy asks. "Hadn't heard. Who are they stringing up?"

"The Brown Paper Kid."

"The Brown Paper Kid?"

"That...

What do you call a vest that’s not really a vest?

A vestige

One guy started wearing a vest that had the current time on either side.

It got him a few weird looks, as the vest wasn't all that attractive, and he wouldn't be able to see the time on the vest. Finally, after a few days, someone asked him about it.

"I figured that this way, " the man answered. "Time would always be on my side."

Grandma gave me a vest for Christmas and said I should wear it to school.

Bless her heart, but cashmere won't stop a bullet.

Why do people wear bullet proof vests when they use the computer?

They don't wanna get hit by a screenshot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator!

Want to hear a joke about butter? [OK]
Well I butter not tell you, you might spread it.

does anyone have any more "dad jokes" similar to these?

How to get rich

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of th...

What does a marriage officiant wearing a vest say at a wedding?

“By the power *vest*ed in me...”

I'm like a suicide vest.

If you do me right I'll explode on your chest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

What do you call am alligator in a vest?

An illogical situation imagined by a child.

Life vests no longer allowed on flights.

Security specialists found out that they can blow up.

I saw a man at the airport with a bulletproof vest

I reminded him it’s an airport not a school

A dog wearing spurs, two six shooters and a vest hobbles in through a saloons double swinging doors

He hops on a bar stool and says I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.

The french invented a new bulletproof vest

That is just as efficient as a regular one but much cheaper: it only covers the soldiers' backs

Thirty children dead after their school mandated they wear bulletproof vests to prevent shootings.

Swimming lessons should probably have been exempted.

There are several types of vests designed to protect a person...

There's Life Vests - designed to protect a person from drowning.
There's Bullet Proof Vests - designed to protect a person from bullets.
There's High Visibility Safety Vests - designed to protect a person from getting hit while near traffic.
There's Leather Vests - designed to protect a per...

The congregation discovered the minister was having an affair with a married congregant

Apparently they found his vest in her pantry and her pants in his vestry.

Why did French use yellow as the color for their angry vest movement ?

It fits so well with their teeth.

I have a shirt with 120 tiny pockets that fit exactly one mint each....

It's my Tic Tactical vest.

A Man Walks into a Gun Store...

The man walks in and looks around until he gets to the Safety Items. He Looks joyfully With a big smile at a Pair of Headphones, Books, then Bingo. He picks up a protective Vest and goes to the counter Happily. The Cashier asks for his ID and asks Him, "Why are you so Happy?", The man responds with,...

Just heard this one at the pub: What do you call a monkey with a suicide vest?

Ba***boom!***

^(Don't worry, I kicked him out the door.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lindsey Graham gets new suit

On a Senate trip to Japan, Lindsey Graham picked up some silk to have a custom suit made. At a top notch tailor shop in South Carolina, the tailor said with the material, he could make a single breasted suit.

Graham decided to wait, took the material to a tailor in New York who told him he c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mosquito flies above a river...

In the river there is a fish.
The fish thinks: If that mosquito just flies down a little bit, i can jump and eat that mosquito

Next to the river sits a bear
The bear thinks: If that mosquito flies down a little bit, and the fish grabs it. I can grab the fish.

Behind the bear in t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't know why I offended the Asian man wearing a damaged bulletproof vest...

...all I said was "There's a chink in the armour."

What do you call an aligator that likes to wear vests when no one else is around?

A private investigator.

A dog walked into a bar and asked for a beer.

One of the other bar patrons, a cowboy with a six-shooter, scoffed.

“I don’t want to drink at the same bar as a dog.”

The dog, offended, challenged the man to a fight. The man looked him up and down then dismissed the pup with a wave of his hand.

"I'm not killing a dog."

...

I love my wife so much...

I love my wife so much, that if we were on a sinking ship with only one life vest, I would miss her very much and think of her a lot.

So I found out my friends father died the other day

His last known occupation was "Bullet-proof vest tester"

Kanye West

After a long day of work, Kanye West goes to his Kanye Nest to take his Kanye Rest. He wakes up feeling his Kanye Best. Then he’ll get Kanye Dressed on his Kanye Vest to go on a Kanye Quest. He goes to church and becomes Kanye Blessed, then to a hotel room to be a Kanye Guest. Then to school to take...

A sudden ruckus from the chicken coop wakes the old farmer and his wife.

The wife, wearing only her nightgown, rushed outside. She ran to the coop only to find a huge snake going after the eggs. She slammed her bare foot down on the head of the snake, ending it's life.

20 minutes later the farmer came into the coop to find his wife, toe tapping, hand on her hips,...

Horseback riding gone wrong

Last weekend my daughters and I were going to the grocery store but on the way I spotted a chance to go horseback riding and couldn't pass it up. So I got on the horse and immediately it started trying to buck me off. I'm desperately yelling for help and flailing around but all the people passing b...

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