Vest Jokes

Rick O’Shea

A duck wearing a hard hat and a hi-vis walks into a bar. Looking exhausted, he removes his hat, takes a seat and asks for a beer.

The barman eyes him as he pours. “I haven’t seen you in here before,” he says.

“Yeah,” replies the duck. “Do you know the big building surrounded by scaffol... read more

Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn't as invested as they were.

Bombi.

In-vest-iture

Life vests protect you from drowning.
Bullet proof vests protect you from getting shot.
Reflective vests protect you from getting hit when you are near a road.
And sweater vests protect you from women.

A high-Visigoth.

You can run but you can't hide

A vestige

It got him a few weird looks, as the vest wasn't all that attractive, and he wouldn't be able to see the time on the vest. Finally, after a few days, someone asked him about it.

"I figured that this way, " the man answered. "Time would always be on my side."

Bless her heart, but cashmere won't stop a bullet.

They don't wanna get hit by a screenshot.

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of th... read more

“By the power *vest*ed in me...”

If you do me right I'll explode on your chest.

An illogical situation imagined by a child.

Security specialists found out that they can blow up.

I reminded him it’s an airport not a school

He hops on a bar stool and says I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.

That is just as efficient as a regular one but much cheaper: it only covers the soldiers' backs

Swimming lessons should probably have been exempted.

There's Life Vests - designed to protect a person from drowning.
There's Bullet Proof Vests - designed to protect a person from bullets.
There's High Visibility Safety Vests - designed to protect a person from getting hit while near traffic.
There's Leather Vests - designed to protect a per... read more

Apparently they found his vest in her pantry and her pants in his vestry.

It fits so well with their teeth.

It's my Tic Tactical vest.

The man walks in and looks around until he gets to the Safety Items. He Looks joyfully With a big smile at a Pair of Headphones, Books, then Bingo. He picks up a protective Vest and goes to the counter Happily. The Cashier asks for his ID and asks Him, "Why are you so Happy?", The man responds with,... read more

Ba***boom!***

^(Don't worry, I kicked him out the door.)

A private investigator.

One of the other bar patrons, a cowboy with a six-shooter, scoffed.

“I don’t want to drink at the same bar as a dog.”

The dog, offended, challenged the man to a fight. The man looked him up and down then dismissed the pup with a wave of his hand.

"I'm not killing a dog."

... read more

I love my wife so much, that if we were on a sinking ship with only one life vest, I would miss her very much and think of her a lot.

His last known occupation was "Bullet-proof vest tester"

After a long day of work, Kanye West goes to his Kanye Nest to take his Kanye Rest. He wakes up feeling his Kanye Best. Then he’ll get Kanye Dressed on his Kanye Vest to go on a Kanye Quest. He goes to church and becomes Kanye Blessed, then to a hotel room to be a Kanye Guest. Then to school to take... read more

The wife, wearing only her nightgown, rushed outside. She ran to the coop only to find a huge snake going after the eggs. She slammed her bare foot down on the head of the snake, ending it's life.

20 minutes later the farmer came into the coop to find his wife, toe tapping, hand on her hips,... read more

Last weekend my daughters and I were going to the grocery store but on the way I spotted a chance to go horseback riding and couldn't pass it up. So I got on the horse and immediately it started trying to buck me off. I'm desperately yelling for help and flailing around but all the people passing b... read more