When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

Why does Waldo wear striped clothes?

Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

Where do owls go to buy their young baby clothes?

At the owlet malls

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes?

Moo

A wife is clearing out her closet

And she finds loads of clothes to put to the charity shop. The husband walks in and says “just throw them away, there’s no need to put them to the charity shop”

The wife replies “aye there is, there’s starving children in Africa who could need these clothes”

And the husband says “darli...

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Someone told me my clothes were gay

I said "I know. They came out of the closet this morning."

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.

My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes...

It’s like shooting fish in apparel...

If you’re wearing cowboy clothes...

You’re Ranch Dressing

What does the ocean use to clean its clothes?

Tide

Where do sheep get their clothes?

At the Wool-mart!

A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .

. . . except for his boots.

“Where your clothes at, Slim?”

“Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, ‘I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.’

So I followed her. She says, ‘Take off all your clothes.’ So I do. Then she tak...

Little Girl says to her Mum, I want to donate a lot of the clothes I don't wear to all of the little girls that don't have any, Mum says who are these Girls??

You know, the ones on Daddy's computer.

My son is going away to sleep away camp, and I was told to sew a label with his name on it on all his clothes.

...so rather than do all that I just changed his name to Calvin Klein.

What type of clothes is most suitable for royals?

A royal-tee

I never understood people's fanatic attachment to their clothes..

..it's just sew material.

My fashion advisor is really bad at finding me clothes that fit

I think I will have to take some measures

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My clothes are all gay..

They came out of the closet

A group of theives are going to retail stores and are stealing clothes by sizes

Police say they are still at large.

What do clothes do when they're bored?

They *hang out*

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My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants

A man won the lottery and called his wife asking her to pack her clothes

Wife: should i pack for a tropical or a European holiday.

Husband: pack whatever you want, what's important is that you are not there when i get home.

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A Blonde goes to buy clothes

Shopkeeper asks "shall i show you plain shirts?",

The Blonde angrily replies "No dumb fuck, show me helicopter shirts."

A Psychic is buying clothes in a store.....



**Employee:** How about this shirt?

**Psychic:** That shirt is too small.

**Employee:** How can you know! You didn't even try it on!

**Psychic:** I'm a medium.

What do you do if you get chocolate spread on your girlfriend's clothes?

Nutella

Did you hear about the gang of thieves that systematically shoplifts clothes in size order?

The police say they are still at large.

My tailor really enjoys fixing my clothes

Or sew it seams.

Did David Bowie just have one set of clothes when he performed?

Or did he have several ch-ch-ch-changes?

My mum tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she'd just ironed.

It may sound far-fetched but it's true. I watched it all unfold.

My neighbour told me to stop changing my clothes near my window.

I asked him, "Why? I keep the curtains closed and the lights off."

He said, "I know that, I just think you should change inside of your house."

Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won’t be identified as clergy.

They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon hit the beach. They notice a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini.

"Good afternoon, Fathers," she says as she strolls by.

The men are stunned. How does she know they’re clergy? Later they buy even wilder attire: surfer shorts, tie-dyed T-shirt...

I'm considering stuffing my clothes with candy bars.

That way, I'll always have Twix up my sleeve.

My girlfriend messaged me that she knew I was cheating. I went to the apartment. The locks were changed, my clothes burnt on the lawn. She yelled from the window "I hate you, never come back."

So I went home to my wife.

I feed and clothe a child in Africa for 30 cents a day.

Ofcourse that's nothing compared to what it cost to send him there

Every time I go to a comic convention in my normal clothes, people ask me who I'm going as. I finally have an answer...

Thanks to Marvel, I'm going as a Skrull in disguise...

My sister asked me to remove her clothes.

So I took off her shirt.

Then she said, "Take off my skirt."

I took off her skirt."Take off my shoes."

I took off her shoes.

"Now take off my bra and panties."

and so I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my thin...

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door. That way we won’t get paint on our clothes and can move more freely to get the job done faster. So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who ...

Cop spots a guy driving past with a South American plate. He's eating some kind of Mexican food and has no clothes on! He pulls him over and asks, "Where are you from? What are you eating? Aren't you cold?"

"Chilly", he replies.

I spilled laundry detergent all over myself and the basket of clothes I was carrying. There was nothing I could do.

My hands were tide.

Do you wash your clothes, or worsh your clothes?

I asked my friend this last night and he looked me dead in the face and said


The only thing I worsh... Is my cestershire.

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A bully at school told me my clothes were gay

So a choked that asshole with my "Pale Heather Cashmere Scarf".

If you see a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, you know what that means...

I dropped them trying to carry all my laundry in one load

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room."

"You put in my husband's teeth last
week," she replied. "Now you have to
remove them."

Why do romans always buy their clothes to big?

They go for XL if L is too big for them.

Why do people wash their clothes in Tide?

Because it's too cold out-Tide

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I just told my next door neighbour we are moving out next week and she said “Great, that means you can stop stealing my undies off my clothes line”!

I nearly shit her pants when she said it.

Difference between a unicylcist with nice clothes and a bicyclist with terrible clothes?

A tire.

;)

Try to buy some clothes from a spiritualist shop today.

Turns out they could only offer mediums.

My wife said I am giving all of the clothes I no longer wear to charity, I said just chuck them, she replied there are a lot of starving people in the world that can benefit from them, I replied.

Anyone that fits your clothes are definitely not starving.

I can't stand to see my wife in her workout clothes in the gym, it's embarrassing.

I have no way to hide my erection.

I saw twins in cute matching outfits and asked them, “Your mom always buys matching clothes for you?”

One replied, “Sir, we are not twins. License and Registration please.”

A man died and was on his way to heaven..

An angel was talking to the man while his soul was leaving his body.

The angel said he could go to heaven quicker if he took off his sock.

So, the man wanting to go to heaven, took his sock off and was flung up into heaven with lightning speed.

When arriving to Heaven, God said,...

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My roommate told me my clothes look gay.

I was like, don’t be a dick dude; they just came out of the closet.

I make clothes faster than anyone

Call me Tailor Swift

What did the corn cob say when all of its clothes fell off?

OOHH, SHUCKS!

Two engineers meet each other on their way into work ]

One of them has a new bike, and the other one asks where he got it. "Well," the first one says, "it's the funniest story. A beautiful woman rode up to me, threw down the bike, ripped off her clothes, and said 'Take what you want.'" "Good choice," said the other engineer, "the clothes probably wouldn...

Son: Father, can I go outdoors with no clothes on?

Father: Naked.

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I saw 2 guys with matching clothes and asked them if they are gay...

They promptly arrested me.

If you take a shower with your clothes on, it shows you're crazy.

If you take a shower with your clothes off, it shows your nuts.

What do you call man living in Mississippi who likes to dress up in women's clothes?

A Mississippi Queen

After a one night stand, a man climbs out of the woman's bed and puts on his clothes...

says "It was great to meat you" and leaves.

So...I’m (male) at Gap shopping for clothes back in senior year of high school...(long)

...looking for some clothes for college. I’m in the midst of picking out a new pair of pants, when out of the corner of my eye, I notice a middle-aged woman staring at me from the other side of the store. I ignore it briefly, and continue looking for my clothing purchases.

10 minutes later, ...

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

Why were the nun's worn clothes colorfast?

Because old habits dye hard.

I saw the best Halloween costume. The guy had dirty clothes, dried blood- the works.

“Zombie?” I guessed.
“No. Art major.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've never understood why homophobics wore clothes

because clothes come out of the closet and that's gay

An explosion happened at a clothes store.

There were many casual tees.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbor asked if I knew anything about the missing clothes from her clothes line

I almost shit her pants

What does a magician have under their clothes

An Abracada-bra.

My wife gave me a bag of our children's old clothes

And asked me donate them to kids that don't have any.
So I went around town asking people where I can find kids without any clothes and for some reason I ended up detained...

What sort of clothes do lawyers wear?

Lawsuits

Did ya hear about the new dry cleaners who only had a couple of customers?

They had two clothes

What do you call a really old clothes maker?

Tailor old as time.

I was in a restaurant last night, when all of sudden, a guy wearing white clothes and a tall white hat burst out of the kitchen. He was ranting, dribbling and touching diners as he passed by. "What the hell was that?!?" I asked the waitress.

She replied, "Oh, the chef's special."

My next door neighbour came over and accused me of stealing her clothes!

She threatened to call the Police! I was so scared I nearly peed her pants! :'(

My wife handed me a bag of clothes

She wanted me to donate it to the poor and hungry. When I threw it in the trash she got angry. I told her, any one that can fit in those clothes dosen't know hunger.

Some of my clothes are getting ripped to shreds when I use the washing machine.

It keeps happening every time. I think it's a vicious cycle.

I got banned from donating clothes to the local orphanage

Apparently they don't appreciate Batman costumes......

What do you call a cabinet that wears clothes?

A dresser

My wife had been missing for a week.

The cops said to prepare for the worst.
So I went down to Goodwill and got all her clothes back.

A middle-aged housewife decides to donate her old clothes to charity

Wife: "I've gathered up some old clothes and I need you to drop them off at the church charity."

Husband: *Groaning* " Why not just throw them out? It's easier that way."

Wife: "Because there are people out there who are poor and starving that need these clothes."

Husband: "Dar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

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A woman has just removed her clothes to get into the shower when she hears a knock on the door.

Woman: "Who is it?"

Blind Guy: "It's the blind guy!"

Woman: *Well, he can't see me anyway....* (opens the door)

Blind Guy: "Nice tits! Where do you want these blinds?"


Credit: A barber in SC years ago. If it's a repost, I'm sorry.

Why wasn't the young serpent wearing any clothes?

Because he was snake-kid

Where does a Sith Lord buy their clothes?

At the Darth Mall.

"Show me your's and I'll show you mine"... She proceed's to take off her clothes...

...I proceed to show her my WW2 cr38 anti-personnel mine.

Every Friday night I go out dressed in a nun's clothes.

What can I say? It's a habit.

Why did Donald Trump rush to Macy's?

He heard they had Ivanka's clothes half off

Why does Mike Pence keep all of his clothes in drawers?

Because he can't stand anything coming out of the closet.

What are a serial killer's clothes made from?

Paul E. Ester

A lady calls her butler into her room and says, "Jeeves, take off my dress"

He casually says, "Yes, Madam", and removes the dress. Then she says, "Jeeves, take off my underwear". Again, he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the undergarment. She then says, "Jeeves, take off my bra". Again, with no hesitation he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the bra. Then she says, "Now ou...

A nun decides to dye her worn out clothes

A nun decided that it was much cheaper to just dye the colour back into her worn out clothes instead of buying new clothes. Every year, the nun would go to a nearby dye shop to dye her clothes and hang them to dry.

When she returned to the store for the 10th time, she dyed and hung her clot...

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