A man walked into the bedroom and he wife was packing a bag of clothes with a scowl on her face

"Where in the hell are you off to?" He asked

The wife replied, "Im off to New York!"

"Whats so special about New York?" The man asked

"In New york i could get paid 400$ for what i do for you for free!" She shouted

The husband didnt say a word and started slamming clothes ...

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A girl was riding in a car with her boyfriend. She got bored and said, “Every time you speed up 5MPH, I’ll take some clothes off.”

Well, this went on for about 15 minutes until she was naked and he was going about 95MPH. They lost control of the car and crashed into a tree.

The guy was hurt pretty badly and his car door was crushed to the point where he couldn’t open it. His naked girlfriend was fine and could get out of...

What’s the suns favourite clothes brand?

Kelvin Klein

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

Why does Waldo wear striped clothes?

Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.

My friend is really struggling in trying to make clothes for people diagnosed as anorexic.

It's not really a growing market.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The better a match you are to a job, the dirtier of clothes you can wear to the interview and still get it.

The next guy came in with a shit stain on his pants and I hired him on the spot. You can't buy confidence like that.

My wife says if I buy any more clothes she's gonna leave me...

I guess our marriage is hanging by a thread.

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour...

I said, “Wait, I can change!"

A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .

. . . except for his boots.

“Where your clothes at, Slim?”

“Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, ‘I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.’

So I followed her. She says, ‘Take off all your clothes.’ So I do. Then she tak...

Judo - it's the art of folding clothes perfectly...

...while the people are still in them.

[NSFW] A wife took off her clothes and bent over.

The husband asked, "what are you doing?"
She said in a flirtatious voice, "laundry".

She looked through her legs and saw her husband take his pants off and she smiled.

He said "put this in too".

What do you call a country of fancy clothes?

Sueden

What do you call your mother ironing your clothes for you

Free press

I finally figured out why my clothes kept falling out of my bag

I cracked the case

I bet Vladimir's clothes are expensive

..because it is made of great Lenin.

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Someone told me my clothes were gay

I said "I know. They came out of the closet this morning."

What do you call men in women's clothes running

a drag race

Where do owls go to buy their young baby clothes?

At the owlet malls

A wife is clearing out her closet

And she finds loads of clothes to put to the charity shop. The husband walks in and says “just throw them away, there’s no need to put them to the charity shop”

The wife replies “aye there is, there’s starving children in Africa who could need these clothes”

And the husband says “darli...

My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes...

It’s like shooting fish in apparel...

Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes?

Moo

Little Girl says to her Mum, I want to donate a lot of the clothes I don't wear to all of the little girls that don't have any, Mum says who are these Girls??

You know, the ones on Daddy's computer.

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My nieghbour started shouting and screaming about me stealing clothes off her line...

I was so scared, I almost crapped her pants.

If you’re wearing cowboy clothes...

You’re Ranch Dressing

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My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants

What does the ocean use to clean its clothes?

Tide

My son is going away to sleep away camp, and I was told to sew a label with his name on it on all his clothes.

...so rather than do all that I just changed his name to Calvin Klein.

Where do sheep get their clothes?

At the Wool-mart!

A man won the lottery and called his wife asking her to pack her clothes

Wife: should i pack for a tropical or a European holiday.

Husband: pack whatever you want, what's important is that you are not there when i get home.

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.

What type of clothes is most suitable for royals?

A royal-tee

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My clothes are all gay..

They came out of the closet

Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won’t be identified as clergy.

They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon hit the beach. They notice a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini.

"Good afternoon, Fathers," she says as she strolls by.

The men are stunned. How does she know they’re clergy? Later they buy even wilder attire: surfer shorts, tie-dyed T-shirt...

What do clothes do when they're bored?

They *hang out*

A Psychic is buying clothes in a store.....



**Employee:** How about this shirt?

**Psychic:** That shirt is too small.

**Employee:** How can you know! You didn't even try it on!

**Psychic:** I'm a medium.

What do you do if you get chocolate spread on your girlfriend's clothes?

Nutella

My tailor really enjoys fixing my clothes

Or sew it seams.

Did you hear about the gang of thieves that systematically shoplifts clothes in size order?

The police say they are still at large.

My mum tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she'd just ironed.

It may sound far-fetched but it's true. I watched it all unfold.

A group of theives are going to retail stores and are stealing clothes by sizes

Police say they are still at large.

I'm considering stuffing my clothes with candy bars.

That way, I'll always have Twix up my sleeve.

My neighbour told me to stop changing my clothes near my window.

I asked him, "Why? I keep the curtains closed and the lights off."

He said, "I know that, I just think you should change inside of your house."

Did David Bowie just have one set of clothes when he performed?

Or did he have several ch-ch-ch-changes?

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door. That way we won’t get paint on our clothes and can move more freely to get the job done faster. So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who ...

I feed and clothe a child in Africa for 30 cents a day.

Ofcourse that's nothing compared to what it cost to send him there

My sister asked me to remove her clothes.

So I took off her shirt.

Then she said, "Take off my skirt."

I took off her skirt."Take off my shoes."

I took off her shoes.

"Now take off my bra and panties."

and so I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my thin...

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A bully at school told me my clothes were gay

So a choked that asshole with my "Pale Heather Cashmere Scarf".

Every time I go to a comic convention in my normal clothes, people ask me who I'm going as. I finally have an answer...

Thanks to Marvel, I'm going as a Skrull in disguise...

Cop spots a guy driving past with a South American plate. He's eating some kind of Mexican food and has no clothes on! He pulls him over and asks, "Where are you from? What are you eating? Aren't you cold?"

"Chilly", he replies.

I spilled laundry detergent all over myself and the basket of clothes I was carrying. There was nothing I could do.

My hands were tide.

Do you wash your clothes, or worsh your clothes?

I asked my friend this last night and he looked me dead in the face and said


The only thing I worsh... Is my cestershire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just told my next door neighbour we are moving out next week and she said “Great, that means you can stop stealing my undies off my clothes line”!

I nearly shit her pants when she said it.

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room."

"You put in my husband's teeth last
week," she replied. "Now you have to
remove them."

Why do people wash their clothes in Tide?

Because it's too cold out-Tide

Difference between a unicylcist with nice clothes and a bicyclist with terrible clothes?

A tire.

;)

I saw twins in cute matching outfits and asked them, “Your mom always buys matching clothes for you?”

One replied, “Sir, we are not twins. License and Registration please.”

I can't stand to see my wife in her workout clothes in the gym, it's embarrassing.

I have no way to hide my erection.

My wife said I am giving all of the clothes I no longer wear to charity, I said just chuck them, she replied there are a lot of starving people in the world that can benefit from them, I replied.

Anyone that fits your clothes are definitely not starving.

If you see a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, you know what that means...

I dropped them trying to carry all my laundry in one load

Two engineers meet each other on their way into work ]

One of them has a new bike, and the other one asks where he got it. "Well," the first one says, "it's the funniest story. A beautiful woman rode up to me, threw down the bike, ripped off her clothes, and said 'Take what you want.'" "Good choice," said the other engineer, "the clothes probably wouldn...

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I saw 2 guys with matching clothes and asked them if they are gay...

They promptly arrested me.

I make clothes faster than anyone

Call me Tailor Swift

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My roommate told me my clothes look gay.

I was like, don’t be a dick dude; they just came out of the closet.

What did the corn cob say when all of its clothes fell off?

OOHH, SHUCKS!

Son: Father, can I go outdoors with no clothes on?

Father: Naked.

What do you call man living in Mississippi who likes to dress up in women's clothes?

A Mississippi Queen

If you take a shower with your clothes on, it shows you're crazy.

If you take a shower with your clothes off, it shows your nuts.

Try to buy some clothes from a spiritualist shop today.

Turns out they could only offer mediums.

What does a magician have under their clothes

An Abracada-bra.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbor asked if I knew anything about the missing clothes from her clothes line

I almost shit her pants

After a one night stand, a man climbs out of the woman's bed and puts on his clothes...

says "It was great to meat you" and leaves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've never understood why homophobics wore clothes

because clothes come out of the closet and that's gay

Why were the nun's worn clothes colorfast?

Because old habits dye hard.

So...I’m (male) at Gap shopping for clothes back in senior year of high school...(long)

...looking for some clothes for college. I’m in the midst of picking out a new pair of pants, when out of the corner of my eye, I notice a middle-aged woman staring at me from the other side of the store. I ignore it briefly, and continue looking for my clothing purchases.

10 minutes later, ...

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

I saw the best Halloween costume. The guy had dirty clothes, dried blood- the works.

“Zombie?” I guessed.
“No. Art major.”

An explosion happened at a clothes store.

There were many casual tees.

I like to dress up in the clothes of unwashed nuns.

I guess I've got a dirty habit.

My wife gave me a bag of our children's old clothes

And asked me donate them to kids that don't have any.
So I went around town asking people where I can find kids without any clothes and for some reason I ended up detained...

What sort of clothes do lawyers wear?

Lawsuits

What do you call a really old clothes maker?

Tailor old as time.

Did ya hear about the new dry cleaners who only had a couple of customers?

They had two clothes

My next door neighbour came over and accused me of stealing her clothes!

She threatened to call the Police! I was so scared I nearly peed her pants! :'(

My wife handed me a bag of clothes

She wanted me to donate it to the poor and hungry. When I threw it in the trash she got angry. I told her, any one that can fit in those clothes dosen't know hunger.

I was in a restaurant last night, when all of sudden, a guy wearing white clothes and a tall white hat burst out of the kitchen. He was ranting, dribbling and touching diners as he passed by. "What the hell was that?!?" I asked the waitress.

She replied, "Oh, the chef's special."

I got banned from donating clothes to the local orphanage

Apparently they don't appreciate Batman costumes......

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman has just removed her clothes to get into the shower when she hears a knock on the door.

Woman: "Who is it?"

Blind Guy: "It's the blind guy!"

Woman: *Well, he can't see me anyway....* (opens the door)

Blind Guy: "Nice tits! Where do you want these blinds?"


Credit: A barber in SC years ago. If it's a repost, I'm sorry.

Some of my clothes are getting ripped to shreds when I use the washing machine.

It keeps happening every time. I think it's a vicious cycle.

My wife had been missing for a week.

The cops said to prepare for the worst.
So I went down to Goodwill and got all her clothes back.

"Show me your's and I'll show you mine"... She proceed's to take off her clothes...

...I proceed to show her my WW2 cr38 anti-personnel mine.

Where does a Sith Lord buy their clothes?

At the Darth Mall.

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