My neighbor and I have been arguing for weeks about who has the more assets

So I TP'd his house.

I'm heavily invested in a depreciating asset and it feels like I'm just flushing my stock away

Does anyone know where I can find more toilet paper?

Why did Rockstar choose to invest in a Harbour when diversifying their assets?

Because their ports are always a disaster!

Lord came unto Noah

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United
States , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans."...

When people say Trump is a Russian asset...

they mean to say that he was *put in*.

A newly wed couple is riding through the field on a donkey-cart.

After a while the donkey trips up. The man calmly gets down and looks the donkey squarely in the eyes.

"This, is the first time," he says.

Terrified the donkey keeps trotting on and tries his best to not trip again, but eventually they get to wet grass and he can't help slipping. The m...

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Why can't T-Rex ejaculate?

unreachable assets

Stupid Overcomplicated euphemism jokes

1.

I’m a transaction manager for a multibillion dollar corporation

I work as a McDonald’s cashier

2.

“Mom there is a burglar in here”

“No kid I’m just an asset reallocation specialist”

3.

“So what do you do for a living?”

“I travel and driv...

My best friend got a gf recently.

When he first told me, he mentioned that she had nice “assets”, and gave me a knowing look. Then he showed me her Tinder profile.

She’s a stockbroker.

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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low lying depression, and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill, and the donkeys rarely got away.

In other words, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so they wouldn't by pass the ass hole.

Before I got divorced, I should have converted all my assets to jokes.

Because my ex couldn't ever take one.

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Trump is a real asset to the country!

Fucking Siri! I said *Ass Hat* not *Asset*!!!

Why is it okay for an ice company to commit fraud?

Their assets are already frozen

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A frog walks into a bank to apply for a loan

He addresses the teller by the name on her name badge and says "excuse me, Ms. Whack. I need a loan."

She says "Holy shit, a talking frog!"

"Actually my name is Kermit. And I need a loan."

"You're Kermit the frog?"

"No but I was named after him. My dad is Mick Jagger. He...

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lucky mailman

after 20 years on the job the local postman is about to retire and on this last scheduled delivery run he finds himself beset with thankful friends and neighbours, all of whom show their appreciation of his years of service. loaded down with gift baskets, wine, flowers and thank you cards he reaches...

Bob is having trouble finding workers for his house construction company

So he decides to open the position up to people with more general skills. The first candidate doesn't have much experience in construction, but insists that his previous experience will be an asset.

The man seems earnest, so Bob decides to give him a chance. He tells the foreman to watch the ...

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Times are hard at the small office....

...and the manager needs to make a difficult decision to reduce headcount.
He has two employees in consideration; the first employee, Jack, has been with the firm for 20 years. He's rock solid, is a top performer, and is a real team player.

The other employee was only recently hired: she'...

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Just how deep is the average vagina?

Deep enough for a man to lose his house, his car, his dog, and half of his savings and assets.

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I had a job interview earlier today and the boss asked me, “What would you say is one of your biggest character flaws?”

I said, ‘Well I can be brutally honest at times.’ And the boss said, “No way! I think that’s a wonderful asset actually.”

And I said, ‘I really don’t give a fuck what you think.’

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An airline joke my 83 YO dad sent me . Slightly NSFW

Dear Airlines:

Dump the male flight Attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with YOUNG good-looking strippers! What the hell!! They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the a...

A man dying of cancer asks his wife if she will re-marry...

Wife: I suppose I will

Husband: Do you think your next husband will drive my truck when I’m gone

Wife: Well, the truck is an asset to the family and helps get chores done so I think so yes.

Husband: That makes sense... what about my clothes? What will you do with them?
...

Let me tell you how I became a millionaire:

First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings.

Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars.

With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2
dollars each.

Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you m...

A guy walks into a pub in England...

He sits at the bar and a beautiful barmaid, with ample cleavage on view, asks what he would like. He says " A pint and a pie and a few kind words".

So she brings him the pint and a few minutes later brings him the pie. As she is walking away he says "What about the few kind words?" She look...

Talking centepied

A man walks drunkenly home from the bar when he notices a sign on the petshop saying 'talking centepied for sale, 20 dollars.' the intoxicated man thinks it be a great asset to his bar shenigans and decided to buy the centepied.
Delighted with the centepied in a matchbox he heads home and has a ...

Excuse me, are you a booming real estate property?

because I'm about to pump my liquid assets into you

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office

and told the receptionist she
wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist
suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster
to come into the office.

The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I
...

I just bought some Coca Cola stocks.

It's nice to have some liquid assets.

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Three men bragging about their sons ....<long>

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in some time, gather at a bar to catch up. One man gets up to use the restroom, and the remaining three begin talking about their sons.

The first man says, "my son is my pride and joy, he started at the very bottom of a successful company, he studied ...

Goose that gave golden eggs

A hunter was on his way back to the village holding a dead goose he caught. He met a scammer from another village on the way. The scammer decided to try his skills on the hunter. Scammer claimed that the goose was his goose that laid one golden egg everyday and now hunter must compensate him for his...

I moved into an apartment over a bank.

My assets over five million dollars.

If you have an expensive picture of water...

Would that mean you have a good liquid asset?

A professional ice-sculptor files for bankruptcy...

Time for him to liquidate his assets

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An old lady goes into a bank...

Coutt's Bank, to be exact, and asks to open an account. She is told, politely but coolly, that they are a very exclusive bank and have stringent requirements for prospective clients. "I know," she says. "May I see the manager, please?"

She is shown into the manager's office and repeats her re...

Reading between the lines.

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without

3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always

5 finishes given assignments on time. ...

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A man goes to a bar. [NSFW] [Long]

At the other end of the bar her notices a lady sitting by herself looking fairly bummed out. After a couple drinks he musters the courage to go down and introduces himself. Says "I couldn't help but notice that you look kind of sad, is everything okay?" She tells him that her husband left her and is...

An employee working at a software development company was not satisfied with his salary...

An employee working at a software development company was not satisfied with his salary. He went to visit his boss in his office to discuss the matter. "I feel like I have been making a valuable contribution to this business, yet I don't feel appreciated. Quite simply put: I want a raise." The boss ...

It is 1538 and the Dissolution of Monasteries by King Henry VIII is in progress...

having broken away from the Catholic church, Henry had angered many adherents both domestic and abroad, and sought to shut down any institutions that swore their allegiance to the Catholic church before he had a revolt on his hands.

He attempted to completely squash all churches, monasteri...

Why couldn't the snowman spend his money?

Cause his assets were frozen.

My Accounting Teacher Told Us This One Today

If your debits and credits don't equal, then your assets in jail.

Why are bank offices so cold?

They're trying to freeze their assets.

Modern Bible Stories: American Noah's Ark

…..And the Lord spoke to Noah and said:
” In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed, but I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.”
In a...

Divorce

I consider myself pretty lucky in my divorce because we negotiated a 50-50 split of our assets. My wife got half, my lawyer got half.

A world-class engineer dies after a long and happy life.

When he goes to be judged at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter accidentally screws up his papers and sends him to hell. Satan is more than happy to have him, as he doesn't get many engineers and could put this guy to some great use. With the engineer's help, Satan makes renovation after renovation and i...

It just all depends on how you look at some things...

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid ...

A man is unhappy with his wife...

but he doesn't want to divorce her, because she'll get half of his money and assets, so he goes to the mafia to see about getting a hit put out on his wife. The mafia agrees to do it and tells him it will be $50,000. The husband says, "I don't have that kind of money." He was then told to go see ...

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The two whales.

In the latter part of the 19th century two whales were swimming along in the sea. Otetiani, a boy whale, and Orenda, a girl whale.

As they swam along they saw in the distance a whaling ship. Upon seeing the ship Orenda became very nervous knowing that the ship meant death for her and Otetiani...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys with black eyes

Two men sitting next to eachother on a plane notice that they both have black eyes, and they struck up a conversation.

" How did you get your black eye?" said the first man.

"Funny story," said the second man,"I was buying my ticket at the counter and the young lady selling the tickets...

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