I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS

This one was written in Paris.

What country's capital has the fastest growing population.

Ireland, its Dublin everyday.

What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?

In a capitalist society, man exploits man. In a socialist society, it's the other way round.

If I was to visit just one capital city it would be Seoul.

If I decided on another one, that would be Dublin. And if I added a third it would be Tripoli.

Capitalization really changes a sentence.

For example:

I love candy.

I love capitalization.

62% of Kentuckians pronounce their state capital “Loo-uh-vul”, while 38% say “Loo-ee-ville.

Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.

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I've come up with a new capital punishment method: A meal that, once eaten, causes fatal diarrhea.

That way the offenders can eat, shit, and die.

Mrs. Swindon declined to serve on the jury because she was not a believer in capital punishment and didn’t want her beliefs to get in the way of the trial.

“But, Madam,” said the public defender, who had taken a liking to her kind face and calm demeanor, “this is not a murder trial. It is merely a civil lawsuit being brought by a wife against her husband. He gambled away the twelve thousand dollars he’d promised to spend on a sable coat for her birthda...

"Sir, I know you are having trouble typing in your password." "Please can we try again. Your password is capital A as in Apple, lowercase T as in Tom, the number 4, Q as in Cucumber... "

This is something I actually said during my call center days. The call screeners wouldn't let me forget for months.

My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution

Could this be a red flag?

What do you get if you cross Islam with Capitalism?

No more notes about the profit.

Scientists are saying that the capital of the Republic of Ireland has increased by a staggering 100%!

It’s Dublin

What's the difference between capitalism and communism?

Capitalism makes cents.

Alaska has its own capital!

Did Juneau that?

Was at a “Capital One Cafe” and asked the waitress for her phone number.

Oh NOW they start guarding personal data.

Whats the capital of math?

Cos-Tan-Sinopel

Kosovo has the cleanest capital city in the world. Whichever capital city you think of

Kosovo’s is Pristina.

It can never remember the capital of Vietnam

It's really Hanoi-ing

PASSWORD PROBLEMS ( LONG ONE )

Windows : Please enter your new password.

User : cabbage

Windows : Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

User : boiled cabbage

Windows : Sorry, the password must contain at least 1 numerical character.

User : 1 boiled cabbage

Windows : Sorry, t...

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Dear people who don't use capital letters.

We're the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse

If your visit of Vietnam's capital was unpleasant...

Then it was definitely an Hanoi-ing experience.

My teacher said she would punish me if I didn't know Tehran is the capital of which country

So I ran

Q: What do capitalism and communism have in common

A: Starving poor people

In light of the customers' data breach Capital One unveiled a new slogan today:

Who's in your wallet?

A hideous little orc is in the kingdom's capital, looking to acquire medicine for his sick mom.

Nobody can stand the sight of him, with some even threatening violence of he doesn't leave.
He finds and alchemist's medicine shop at the market and tells him about his mother's illness.

"Ah, but of course!" says the alchemist, "It's clearly a case of Sakiara Fever. It's not very common at...

Why are Irish bankers so successful?

Because their capital's always Dublin.

What's the capital of Greece?

About 5 euros.

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Capitalization is important

For example: I need to help my uncle jack off the horse

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

What's the worst route to take through Malawi's capital?

Lilongwe

I just got a great new job, its helping out a one armed typist whenever she wants to do capital letters...

It's shift work...

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I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is Politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administra...

What do you call people who think capitalism should go unchecked?

Ownanists.

The use of capitals can really change the meaning of a sentence

Example:

I like to eat candy

I like to eat capitals

Wanna see some small capital letters?

s a n m a r i n o

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If you don’t think capitalization is important

Try writing this sentence without it - I had to help my Uncle Jack off a horse.

How do you get rid of capitalism?

Just get rid of the shift and caps lock keys.

How do you pronounce the capital of Kentucky? Louie-ville or Louis-ville?

It's Frankfort.

The year is 2219

A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the n...

from now on i am only using lowercase letters

i guess you could say i’m against capitalism

Why was the Irish bank teller happy?

Because his capital's Dublin.

(hope this isn't a repost)

It's not easy educating kids in the capital of Connecticut.

I've got it bad, got it bad, got it bad; I'm a Hartford teacher.

The CEO of Capital One was gonna run for president but has since withdrew his candidacy.

Apparently they asked people how likely they were to vote for him but there was.......

0% interest

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I got fired from the keyboard factory yesterday

I wasn't putting in enough shifts, which I thought was some capital bullshit. They're such Ctrl freaks and now I need to find alternate work

A celebrity from the capital of Taiwan

would be a Type-A Personality

I really regret what I did in the capital of Thailand

Bangkok

"Mom, mom, quiz me on capitals please!"

"Okay, what's the capital of Germany?"


"That's easy, Berlin."


"And the capital of France?"


"Berlin"


"And the one of Poland?"


"Also Berlin."


"Good job Adolf, good job!"

Have you heard a joke about capital punishment?

Apparently, they're very hard to execute.

why are irish men so rich?

because their capital is dublin

How many capitals does Fence have?!

They always say Murder is a capital of Fence, Kidnapping is a capital of Fence, Treason is a capital of Fence... and the names? Geeze, not very inviting places.

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In 1868, Japan moved its seat of government and the location of its Emperor's home from Kyoto to Tokyo.

It wasn't a big deal. They merely did some rearrangement and changed the capital.

I finally understand the difference between capitalism, libertarianism, and socialism.

Capitalists hire libertarians to say socialism is bad. Socialists say capitalism is bad for free. And libertarians will say everyone else is bad as long as they get paid.

My joke about capital punishment got downvoted.

I guess it was great concept, poor execution.

What’s the difference between true communism and unhindered capitalism.

One spies on the people, removes privacy for the sake of the masses, and props up an establishment that serves only the lucky few.

And the other fortunately never caught on in America.

Why do communists prefer to use only lowercase letter?

Well, because they hate capitalism.

I invented a diet. It's called the lowercase diet. Don't eat foods with capital letters.

Works best if you're German!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse".

Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.

What do you call it when you reprimand upper case letters?

CAPITAL PUNISHMENT

A mother is helping her son study for a test : She asks him "What is the capital of Germany?"

He replies "Berlin."

She then asks "What is the capital of France?"

He replies "Berlin."

She asks "What is the capital of Russia?"

He replies "Berlin."

She then hugs him and says "Great job Adolf, you'll do so well on your geography exam!"

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99% of people say: "Fuck capitalism"

Capitalism says: "Fuck 99% of people"

Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?

Because he hated Capitalism

My Colorblind friend just moved to Denver.

He says it’s the capital of Ado.

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Choosing a new password: potato

Choosing a new password: potato

\-Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

\-Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

\-Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

\-Sorry...

How is it, that the capital city of USA is also the place of most successful laundry bussines?

Because they're washing tons.

Free Speech - West vs East

A Russian diplomat and an American diplomat are discussing the differences between their two systems.

The American tries to make it easy for the Russian to understand the concept of free speech.

"Anytime I want", says the Yank, "I can walk right up to the top of the steps at Capital Hi...

A writer from the New York Times submits an article about Bernie Sanders but it is denied.

(First post here. Sorry if it sucks)

Writer: What??? I put my heart and soul into this article? What was wrong with it?

His boss: Oh, the paper’s fine, it’s just full of grammatical errors.

Writer: Like what?

His boss: Well, for example, you didn’t capitalize “Bernie Sand...

Where is the capital of Zimbabwe?

In a Swiss bank account.

You know, capitalism can be pretty complicated

But communism? Everyone gets it

I'm now officially a member of A.C.R.O.N.Y.M

The Association for Chronic Inability to Identify Capital Letters.

There's this lawyer who is sitting in an airport, waiting for his plane to board

When he notices a sleeping blonde woman next to him.
The lawyer thinks that he can make a quick buck off of this woman, and decides to wake her up.

"What do you want?"

"I want to play a trivia game with you, if I give you a question where you don't know the answer, you give me $5, b...

What is the capital of Hungary?

Starving

Capitalism vs Socialism vs Communism

Capitalism: Finders, keepers!

Socialism: Sharing is caring!

Communism: If you give me your lunch money I won't knock your tooth out.

Did you hear the capital of ISIS was taken?

It’s now WASWAS

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

These puns are Capital!

So I had a productive day at work coming up with these Capital City puns a year ago today. Thought they were too good not to share!

Why did the Geordie arrange a holiday to Romania?

To book a rest!

Bob Mortimer was speaking to his comedy partner's wife saying he wanted to take h...

Why do spies never use capitalization?

They like to stay low-key.

Did you know that the best leaders are born and bred in the capital of Taiwan?

They all have Taipei personalities.

Why are kids from the capital of Belgium always so tall?

Because people from Brussels sprout!

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(LONG) There was once an old mobster who liked to gamble

And this made man’s heyday was primarily during Prohibition, the days when a man of means could relax with drink and a hand of poker or rummy. Fortunes in ill-gotten gains were won and lost in such places, so it was a surprise to many that the old crook who haunted the craps table had never lost a s...

A blonde got tired of blonde jokes

One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last n...

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