The 42+ Best Investment Jokes

Why is a skateboard a good investment?

Because you can flip it.

An Investment Banker Was Getting Married.

During Wedding, The Wife Vomits.
Husband: "What Happened?"
Wife: "Capital Gains Arising Out Of Previous Investment."
Husband: "U cheated me.."
Wife: "U should know, mutual fund investments are subject to market risks!"

Why is Ireland a good investment ?

Cause its capital is dublin'

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

What do you call an alligator with an investment account?

An investigator

Batman invited all the superheros to an evening discussing bitcoin investments

Superman didn't go because it was a crypto-night.

A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO...

... After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the Ferrari and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"
The young man replies,...

Why do pediatricians not like long term investments?

They have little patients.

What kind of investments does a clown make?

Laughing stocks!!

My first real estate investment will involve campers and dolphins...

For all intents and porpoises...

I was trying to explain how crypto investment works to my dad.

Today he removed my name from his will and transferred all his property under my name to his name.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said,"I bought th...

Want to double your money instantly without anysort of investment plans?

Cool, me too. I just placed the cash bundle in front of the mirror.

After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment..

And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50

I missed out on a great investment opportunity 5 years ago which required an initial deposit of $4 and had a return of thousands of dollars!

Don't believe me? Just ask my 4-year old!

What's the biggest difference between men and investment bonds?

Bonds mature.

What do you have if you are unable to remove a paperweight from your pile of timber industry investment certificates?

A stuck stack of stick stocks.

Who knew naming a for-profit investment app after an anti-rich hero was just marketing.

I’m astounded, and am immediately switching to one called Mother Theresa.

Someone at a BDSM convention asked me what investments he should make

I told them to invest in stocks and bonds

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a homeless man with a sign that read “$1 for a dirty joke”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Look there, you can see a Rooster right? How many legs does it have?"

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Correct, now how many wings does this Rooster have?”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right...

"Make this one investment and you can get almost anything for free for the rest of your life!"

To be honest, I'm glad I made the investment. My gun dealer wasn't lying when he said that!

What's the difference between an investment banker and a pig?

The pig doesn't turn into an investment banker when it's drunk.

Investment Opportunity: You might want to consider getting on board early...

A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

What was your best investment?

My wife

Return on investment

An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. “Mr. Peterson,” she begins, “would you say you’re honest?”
“Honest?” replies the lawyer. “Let me tell you something about honesty: My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny t...

Competing investment clubs are opening in Chicago.

The Chicago Bears and the Chicago Bulls.

I found an investment with a 5 dollar initial deposit and $500,000 return upon maturity.

Who woulda thought the ROI would be so high on a condom?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

1 dollar for dirty joke

I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.” Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?

Me: “asstasticbum”

Homeless man: “So asstasticbum, the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A successful investment banker...

A successful investment banker parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a bus came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's side. The banker immediately whipped out his phone and dialed 911. It wasn't more tha...

Lifetime Investment

This morning I heard someone shouting loudly on a megaphone outside my window. Saying "If you invest $15.00 just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".

I went out onto the balcony with curiosity and saw the idiot, he was selling chairs..

Henry Winkler committed investment fraud

It was a Fonzie scheme

My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.

I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.

Why is ink an unwise investment?

Because it's a dyeing industry.

- This is too obvious a joke to be original, but it came to me during my econ class, and so it's original to me!

A dyslexic pimp wanted to make an investment to expand his venture

He ended up buying a warehouse.

What did the financial adviser say to his client asking about if glass coffins were a good investment?

"It's remains to be seen."

Historically as a big corporation the best investment we've made is in our people.

Unfortunately we lost alot of money when this investment was outlawed.

What is the most ridiculous and funniest investment scheme ever?

A Punzi scheme.

The key to a long marriage (My 85 year old uncle, a retired investment stock broker, used to tell this to his clients. He told it to me and I thought I'd share it)

A pastor was addressing his congregation about marriage and staying together. He asked his flock:

"How many couples have been married for 1 year?"

a bunch of hands rose

"How many couples have been married 5 years?"

Still a lot of hands rose

"How many 10 year couple...

Dracula says he doesn't want to become an investment banker..

He said he hates stakeholders.

We've all heard of "dogs with jobs." But where do they keep their investments?

A 401K-9

I wanted to be an investment banker when I grew up

Then I lost interest.

An investment banking joke

There was a man with an ailing horse. Visiting the vet he said: "Can you help me? Sometimes the horse walks fine and sometimes he limps."

The vets reply was pointed: "No problem - when he's walking fine, sell him."

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