Why is a skateboard a good investment?

Because you can flip it.

Batman invited all the superheros to an evening discussing bitcoin investments

Superman didn't go because it was a crypto-night.

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

Why is Ireland a good investment ?

Cause its capital is dublin'

Who knew naming a for-profit investment app after an anti-rich hero was just marketing.

I’m astounded, and am immediately switching to one called Mother Theresa.

"Make this one investment and you can get almost anything for free for the rest of your life!"

To be honest, I'm glad I made the investment. My gun dealer wasn't lying when he said that!

Boss hired a secretary

10 days later the Boss *committed suicide* by jumping from his 27th floor office...

Police : Who was there at that time in the room ?


Secretary : I was there.


Police :What happened ? Why did he commit suicide ?


Secretary :He was a good man. One day he bought ...

After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment..

And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50

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There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The 2nd one went out and bought new golf clubs, a Dvd player, a televis...

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An old man was contacted by the IRS for some suspicious income... [Quick repost due to spelling error in original]

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO...

... After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the Ferrari and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"
The young man replies,...

What's the difference between an investment banker and a pig?

The pig doesn't turn into an investment banker when it's drunk.

I missed out on a great investment opportunity 5 years ago which required an initial deposit of $4 and had a return of thousands of dollars!

Don't believe me? Just ask my 4-year old!

An Investment Banker Was Getting Married.

During Wedding, The Wife Vomits.
Husband: "What Happened?"
Wife: "Capital Gains Arising Out Of Previous Investment."
Husband: "U cheated me.."
Wife: "U should know, mutual fund investments are subject to market risks!"

Why is it a good investment to have 50 female pigs and 50 male deer?

Because then you have 100 sows and bucks.

We've all heard of "dogs with jobs." But where do they keep their investments?

A 401K-9

Return on investment

An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. “Mr. Peterson,” she begins, “would you say you’re honest?”
“Honest?” replies the lawyer. “Let me tell you something about honesty: My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny t...

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

**Papa John:**

**Accountant:** 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

**Papa John:** And that's...

**Accountant:** *(sighs)* 258,000 pizzas

Competing investment clubs are opening in Chicago.

The Chicago Bears and the Chicago Bulls.

Someone at a BDSM convention asked me what investments he should make

I told them to invest in stocks and bonds

I found an investment with a 5 dollar initial deposit and $500,000 return upon maturity.

Who woulda thought the ROI would be so high on a condom?

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On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surpri...

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Why People Hate School Re-Unions

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

 They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey ...

What's the biggest difference between men and investment bonds?

Bonds mature.

What was your best investment?

My wife

I’m so glad I installed a bidet on my toilet.

These are the kind of investments that are right up my alley!

Lifetime Investment

This morning I heard someone shouting loudly on a megaphone outside my window. Saying "If you invest $15.00 just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".

I went out onto the balcony with curiosity and saw the idiot, he was selling chairs..

I was thinking about going into business and opening my own distillery...

But my accountant thinks that's a whiskey investment.

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I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?”

Me: “John”

Homeless man: “So Johnny, there is black rooster alright?

How many legs does that chicken have.”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right, n...

My friend Dave was a single guy living at home with his Father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly Father died.

Dave wanted two things:

1. To learn how to invest his inheritance.
2. To find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ord...

Henry Winkler committed investment fraud

It was a Fonzie scheme

My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.

I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.

What did the financial adviser say to his client asking about if glass coffins were a good investment?

"It's remains to be seen."

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