Lifetime Investment

This morning I heard someone shouting loudly on a megaphone outside my window. Saying "If you invest $15.00 just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".

I went out onto the balcony with curiosity and saw the idiot, he was selling chairs..

With the Tencent investment, Reddit shows just how valueless they are...

They can't even get an investment from 50 Cent.

What did the financial adviser say to his client asking about if glass coffins were a good investment?

"It's remains to be seen."

Someone at a BDSM convention asked me what investments he should make

I told them to invest in stocks and bonds

A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO...

... After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the Ferrari and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"
The young man replies,...

When the sun sets every evening, Superman moves all his Bitcoin investments into a regular mutual fund.

He tries to protect himself from Crypto night.

The key to a long marriage (My 85 year old uncle, a retired investment stock broker, used to tell this to his clients. He told it to me and I thought I'd share it)

A pastor was addressing his congregation about marriage and staying together. He asked his flock:

"How many couples have been married for 1 year?"

a bunch of hands rose

"How many couples have been married 5 years?"

Still a lot of hands rose

"How many 10 year couple...

Dracula says he doesn't want to become an investment banker..

He said he hates stakeholders.

What is the most ridiculous and funniest investment scheme ever?

A Punzi scheme.

My wife said wasting what little money we have on a lock picking set was not a good investment.

But it’s actually opened a lot of doors for me.

People hate me for buying a record player...

But I think it was a sound investment

A dyslexic pimp wanted to make an investment to expand his venture

He ended up buying a warehouse.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter...

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.

In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for...

Russian Investments

Two Russians meet up:

- Have you heard, Bitcoin went up in value?

- Ya. But I only invest in one thing - VODKA

- Why Vodka?

- Where else do you get a 40% return??

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A successful investment banker...

A successful investment banker parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a bus came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's side. The banker immediately whipped out his phone and dialed 911. It wasn't more tha...

Why is ink an unwise investment?

Because it's a dyeing industry.



- This is too obvious a joke to be original, but it came to me during my econ class, and so it's original to me!

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WHY PEOPLE HATE SCHOOL RE-UNIONS

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey...

Why is top-shelf beef such a risky investment?

Because the steaks are so high.

Historically as a big corporation the best investment we've made is in our people.

Unfortunately we lost alot of money when this investment was outlawed.

I wanted to be an investment banker when I grew up

Then I lost interest.

What type of investment do chemists prefer?

They have an affinity for bonds.

I think I can finally buy a BMW.

I got a new high paying job with a large bonus. My investments are doing well. And most importantly, I haven't used my turn signal in the last 6 months.

Investment Opportunity: You might want to consider getting on board early...

A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

Why did the investment bankers start dating?

Compound interest

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was walking down main street and there was a homeless man with a signt hat said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?

Me: “Username-valid ”

Homeless man: “So username-valid, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have”

Me: “two?”

Homeless man: ...

An American investment banker was taking a much-needed vacation

An American investment banker was taking a much-needed vacation in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. The boat had several large, fresh fish in it.

The investment banker was impressed by the quality of the fish and asked the Mexican how long it t...

A banker tells his client that a £1,000,000 investment will turn into a ton of money!

So the the client asks "How much is a ton of money"

The banker responds "Two Thousand Pounds"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a seedy bar in NYC, sits down, and says to the guy next to him, "Did you know you can jump off the Empire State Building and survive the fall?"...

The second gentleman sitting at the bar laughs and says sarcastically, "Suuuure you can".

The first guys says, "No I'm serious. On a windy day, like today, the surrounding buildings create this strange air current near the ground which cushions your fall. You land gently on your feet, light a...

What is the difference between a girlfriend and a prosititue?

Prositute is an expense and Girlfriend is a investment.

Returning on Investment

After being away on buisness, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50. "That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"That's still qu...

Investment question

If a leopard and a cheetah both had companies, which stock should you buy?

A: The leopard's, because cheetahs never prosper.

A frog walks into a bank looking for a loan...

The frog goes up to the teller and says ‘hey, could I get a loan please?’ The teller, Ms. Patricia Wack, looks at the frog and decides he doesn’t look to reliable. ‘Sure,’ says ms. Wack, ‘but you will need to provide collateral, what can you offer to ensure we are making a safe investment?’ The frog...

Nerdy financial humor. You have been warned.

I started showing more interest in one of my investments.

It appreciated it.

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Penis study

For whatever reason, Saudi Arabia decided to fund a study to find out why the penis had the shape it does. Specifically the larger head at the end. After a significant investment and several months, Saudi Arabia conclude that it was to enhance the mans pleasure.

Due to ongoing tensions, Canad...

Husband to his fat cute wife

You're my only investment that has doubled

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”
The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said “I bought these gifts ...

Goodnight Mom, goodnight dad.

A father was tucking his youngest daughter to bed one night after he finished reading her daily bedtime story. Just as he finally kissed her on the forehead, she said - "Goodnight Mom, goodnight Dad, goodbye forever Grandpappy"

The father was a little disturbed by the last part but shook it o...

Me: "Yea, I know man. I can't believe it's risen 1500%

Me: "Yea, I know man. I can't believe it's risen 1500%

My professor stops writing on the chalkboard and turns around. "Nothing that raises 1500% that quickly is a good investment. I'm so tired of hearing about Bitcoin this Bitcoin that"

Me: We were talking about the cost of Colle...

A man ends up in a 30-year coma.

After waking up, he receives a phone call from his bank.

He hears: "Dear Mr. Johnson, we are sorry to say that due to recent economic events, the total value of your investment portfolio is $950 billion."

The man, thrilled to hear that, goes to the hospital bar to get a coffee as soon ...

Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.


One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away. “I may look like jus...

I bought a mint condition vintage HiFi system

My wife said it's a waste of money, but I think it's a sound investment.

A group of cosmic rays establishes a stock trading company

A group of cosmic rays establishes a stock trading company. As energetic as they come, they start off with a bang. With a handful of eager young protons joining their ranks, they begin to see extremely positive gains in their investments in no time. They're making more money than they know what to d...

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1 dollar for dirty joke

I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.” Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?

Me: “asstasticbum”

Homeless man: “So asstasticbum, the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A millionaire enters the town of Klon.

Upon arriving he notices a particularly popular homosexual bar specifically for women. Seeing a potentially valuable investment, he enters and speaks to the owner.

"How much to own this place?" He asks.

The owner responds: "not for sale, I've got customers waiting."

The millio...

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What do you call a British sperm donor?

An investment wanker.

A man and his son were walking through a dark coastal town.

They couldn't fathom why it was so dark. So they made their ways to an old harbourside Inn, and spoke to the landlord. He said that since their only source of energy ran out the town was suffering blackouts and there was nothing they could do about it without the funding for some cleaner, greener en...

caution: high altitudes under certain conditions can cause a bloody nose

Like on Mt. Shasta I heard a guy saying, "I just wanted to show people that it's possible to do things like hiking and Crossfit on a vegan diet, and besides I needed something to do after I retired at 30 on my Bitcoin investments" so I punched him in the nose.

There's this new cryptocurrency called Decibel. You just yell in your microphone to get money...

It's a sound investment.

My wife scolded me about how much I drink..

She says... For God sakes! You ever imagine the damage you're doing to your health? Not to mention all the money you've spent? How much money do you think you've spent so far?

I say... Idk.. hic..

She says: how much is a bottle of Jack Honey?

I reply: idk... like $24...

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So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race...

So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, deci...

Where's your Ferrari?

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00, including tip

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer cos...

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A millionaire and his wife

A millionaire and his wife lead a lavish lifestyle, until one day the guy lost everything in a shady investment. That night he went home and explained their diminished financial status to his wife.

"Since we need to start saving, you should learn to cook so we can let go of our personal chef...

If you had purchased

$1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you...

A group of guys were having some drinks

When the conversation turned to how great their sons were.

First Frank regaled everyone with the tale of how his son, the car dealer, was so rich, that he gave a buddy a brand new car.

The next guy said "that's nothing! My son, the successful realtor has made so much money, that he gav...

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The wife and the gift frog

A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "Th...

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Real or fake

I walked into the store the other day, and immediately noticed the girl working there. She was conventionally attractive and had really big breasts. I mean, really big.

I was just there to browse around, but I couldn't help myself. Something made me go over to this girl, and I nervously asked...

I recently bought shares in BOSE

So far it seems to be a sound investment

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[Long] Four old buddies meet up at a bar to reminisce...

One of them has to use the bathroom, so he excuses himself from the bar.

While he's gone the other 3 guys start talking about their sons. The first guy says, "Well I was a little worried about my son. After high school he didn't seem to have any ambition. I made him get a job raking leaves fo...

A guy spots a nice TV in a yard sale and stops by to take a closer look..

He doesn't see a price tag. "That's a nice TV!! How much are you asking for it?" he asks.

Owner replies, "Yes, this is an excellent television and it is all yours for just $1!"

Confused, the guy inquires, "One dollar?! Does it even work? What is wrong with it?"

The owner reassu...

A man walks into a bar with a duck and a biscuit box.

He sets the duck on top of the biscuit box on the bar and the duck begins dancing. The barman finds this rather interesting as do the rest of the punters in the pub. They all come round the duck and watch it for ages, and while doing so, buy more and more drink. By the end of the night the bar is fu...

A collection of Waspy jokes about yo-mamma

1. Your mother is so déclassé, she has a time-share
near Sea World!

2. Your mother is so prescription drug dependent,
she pops Xanax like Godiva bonbons!

3. Your mother is so lower middle-class, she thinks
Egyptian cotton smells of camels!

4. Your mother...

A Russian spy ship was spotted off the U.S coast...

But don't worry - they're just keeping an eye on their investment

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

LPT: Make sure you properly understand job ads.

* Entry level position = We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
* Experience required = We do not know the first thing about any of this.
* Compensation commensurate with experience = You're still not experienced enough so take this low pay.
* Generous benefits = We will give you ...

Anniversary Gift

A man comes home from his day and it is his wedding anniversary. His wife is eagerly waiting for him to arrive home. He comes through the door and says, "happy anniversary," and hands his wife an envelope. She opens it excitedly and reads the letter inside. She gets a look of confusion on her fa...

Why doesn't Hermione keep her money at Gringotts?

Offshore investment gains a better return.

How do you become a millionaire overnight?

Start off a billionaire then make a bunch of bad investments.

A man sees a woman and falls madly in love...

In an investment seminar a man saw a beautiful lady and falls madly in love instantly,


He proposes to her, But being a financial planning expert she asks about his background..

He said - "..well, I am an ordinary man today, but few months later, after my ailing father dies, I would...

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Twenty Dolla.

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clot...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Best prostitute in the city.

A man walks into a bar. His wife has divorced him and taken half of his life with him. He orders a scotch on the rocks and quickly gulps it down, followed by another. The bartender notices the mans face and gives him one on the house.

"what's the matter buddy?" asks the bartender.
"My wife...

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a...

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a doctor because he'll treat her better.

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a banker because he's a better long term investment.

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a mechanic because he'll know how to service her undercarria...

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? (read - not spam)

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast?

Here's an incredibly simple way to do it,
and there is nothing to buy,
no investment to make,
no money to lose!

Try it now!

Follow this simple procedure:

1) Hold down the shift key.

2) Hit the 4 key four times fast.

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A difficult decision

A man had been dating three women on and off for a while. He didn't know whom to ask to marry, so he gave each woman $1000 to do with as they would.

The first woman spent it on plastic surgery and make up, and she returned to the man saying "I want to always be beautiful for you, my dear."...