UPJOKE
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In This Jokes

I've posted 9 puns here in this sub but none of them got upvoted. If this one doesn't either, then...

...no pun in ten did

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl trying on some shorts asked her boyfriend, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’

The boyfriend went ‘Ummm, welllll, ahh….’
The girlfriend said ‘Come on honey. We’ve been together for so long now. You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset. I want you to be honest with me.’

‘Ok’ said the boyfriend
‘I fucked your sister’.

The bartender says "No time travelers allowed in this bar"

Two time travelers walk into a bar

Reddit is killing third-party applications (and itself). Read more in this post.

>!More!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can everyone in this sub please brighten my day up a bit? My parrot died last night.

His last words were "Oh fuck, I think my parrot is dying!"

My wife's attitude has changed since I've been in this wheelchair.

Now she talks behind my back and pushes me around.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are two types of people in this world: those that pee in the shower

And fucking liars.

You can really see how much Trump cares about creating jobs in this country

The White House seems to always be hiring.

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When a girl asks you "Does my butt looks big in this?" That is her way of asking you to set the difficulty for the evening...

Easy mode: Of course not honey, you look wonderful.

Medium mode: Hmm, maybe try a different pair of pants.

Hard mode: Yes, but it looks big in anything.

Impossible mode: Yes, but on the bright side, it draws attention away from your face.

Roy Moore is no longer interested in this year..

Because it’s officially ‘18

Two Texans are sitting in a small town bar, where one bragged to the other: "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except my mother and my sister."

"Well," his buddy replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

A recruiter said to a candidate, "In this job, we need someone who is responsible"

The job applicant replies,

"I" am the one you want. In my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible. XD

There are only 2 secrets to success in this life

1: never reveal everything you know

"Waiter, there's no chicken in this chicken soup!"

"That's all right, sir. There are no cottages in our cottage cheese, either."

There are 10 types of people in this world.

Those who thought they knew what the punchline would be, and those who are now searching for the original joke.

"I'll do ANYTHING for an "A" in this class!"

"ANYTHING?!?" the professor asked.

"Yes," she said, "ANYTHING!"

"Will you . . . . study?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are 10 types of people in this world.

\- Those who understand binary

\- Those who don't

\- Those who didn't expect this joke to be in Base 3

\- Those who didn't expect this joke to be in Base 4

\- Those who didn't expect this joke to be in Base 5

\- Those who are pissed off at me right about now<...

Can we ban “yo momma” jokes in this sub? They old, stupid and been done by like literally everyone a thousand times

Just like yo momma

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s two things that I love in this world…

tits

There's only two things I hate in this world.

Accidentally pressing "submit" when making a post and

I don't see why in this day and age there aren't marches against fat shaming

Because marches would definitely solve the problem.

What is the point of the "Spoiler" tag in this sub?

I mean, unless you leave out the punchline, every joke ends in a spoiler, right? (Serious question, SORRY.)

There are two types of countries in this world.....

Those that use the metric system, and those that have set foot on the moon.

“I’m thinking about killing off the main character in this book I’m writing.”

“What type of book is it?”

“An autobiography.”

I'm a beggar and I wanna make a difference in this world. You may disagree with me

But I beg to differ

There are serious injustices that have not been corrected in this world.

For example, beating up a white guy will get you much more prison time than beating up a black guy.

After all, Assault can get you up to 25 years, while impersonating a policeman will get you 5 at most.

"There are three birds in this tree..."

"...one of them I know will peck, one possibly can peck and one is meant to peck but refuses."

"What species?"

"A would-pecker, a could-pecker and a should-pecker."

There are 5 types of people in this word

Those who can spell, those who can count, and those who use reddit

The Three Simple Things in This World That Give Me The Most Joy In This Life Are…

Eating Puppies and Not Using Commas Appropriately.

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