Two Texans are sitting in a small town bar, where one bragged to the other: "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except my mother and my sister."

"Well," his buddy replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."

There are so many bad puns in this sub it making me numb. But the worst are the math ones.

They make me even number.

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

There are two types of people in this world

1. Those who can extrapolate from a given data.

Two students, James and John were given a grammar test by their teacher. The question was,"is it better to use 'had' or 'had had' in this example sentence?"

The teacher collected the tests and looked over their answers.

James, while John had had 'had',had had 'had had'. 'Had had' had had a better effect on the teacher.

There are two types of countries in this world.....

Those that use the metric system, and those that have set foot on the moon.

There are 2 types of people in this world....

1) People who think the government is looking out for their best interests.

2) People who think.

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There are two types of men in this world

Those who have tried to suck their dick, and liars

There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who are good at math,

and those who aren’t.

There are 10 types of people in this world.

Those who understand binary and others who don't.

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

The amount of unqualified candidates in this election is

unpresidented.

So I was in this seafood restaurant and waiter said to me "The special today is octopus but it does take four hours to prepare" "Why is that ?" I asked...

"Well we cook it alive and it keeps on turning the gas off" he said...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Celibacy? In this economy?

How would I make any fucking money?

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A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your money in this bag!"

The frightened bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!"

The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartend...

There's two typos of people in this world,

those who notice spelling mistakes, and those who don't.

I suspect there is some truth in this...

Doctor : The patient died due to the coronavirus

Relatives : It wasn’t the virus,he had a heart attack

Doctor : Really, why did he have a heart attack?

Relatives : He was really upset and was continually under a lot of stress

Doctor : I see. Why was he upset?

...

What do people in this sub and a bakery have in common?

They both rely on cake to be successful

I'm a beggar and I wanna make a difference in this world. You may disagree with me

But I beg to differ

I’m nineteen and won’t vote in this upcoming election. Here’s why:

I’m Swedish

Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want.
On my last job,
every time anything went wrong,
they said I was responsible."

I've decided to kill off a few characters in this book I'm writing.

I think it will make my autobiography a bit more interesting.

Sadly, in this day and age, I have many jokes about unemployed people.

Sadly, none of them work.

I mean no offence to anyone in this post btw

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve The Englishman admires it and says, "Look at them, calm, reserved and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."<...

I'm using an operating system to wipe out half of the population in this universe...

It's called ThanOS

The government in this town is excellent and uses your tax dollars efficiently.

~Ron Swanson

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With no sight of water in this vast desert we've been storing our urine in a bottle , but last night it was stolen...

Now that's just taking the piss.

Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, "Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?"

"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent."

"And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?"

"No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!"

The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D...

There are two types of people I despise in this world...

1) Those who put animal names into words.
2) Hippocrites.

We should say “mucho” to all spanish speakers in this sub

it means a lot to them for sure.

There are only three kind of employee in this company.

Crazy employee,employee saying this company is crazy,and crazy employee saying this company is crazy.

In this Quarantine, I'm planning to watch movie with my girlfriend.

Please suggest a good girlfriend.

Dirty Ernie was in school and the teacher says “let’s do description and guessing, Tammy, reach in this bag and describe what you feel” Tammy reaches inside and says “ it’s round and

firm I think it’s a ball “ the teacher says “no! It’s an orange”Johnny comes up next and reaches in “ it’s rectangular and firm it’s an eraser!” Teacher goes no “It’s a granola bar” dirty Ernie stands up and goes “ teacher I’m reaching in my pocket abd felling something long hard with a firm pink ti...

Every single currency in this world is just an illusion, a social construct

but Brazil's real.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the land of Oz, there was a dark, musky swamp, and in this swamp there lived a bunch of deep green frogs.

Except for one frog, who was a pale yellow color. The yellow frog got made fun of all the time for being a different color, and one day he was so fed up he called out into the sky, “good witch Glinda, good witch Glinda, please turn me green!” And out of the sky, a little soap bubble floated down to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: there’s too much crying in this episode of Naked and Afraid

Girlfriend: this is our sex tape..

I just realized why millennials are so at ease in this pandemic.

They weren't going anywhere anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Do I look fat in this dress?"

"No," I replied. "Just a bit gay, son."

Sickening! I went to the bank today and even in this pandemic I was the only one wearing a mask!

Mind you, I was robbing the place.

Some anecdotes for you in this trying time:

>  \*  Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
>
>  \*   I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
  \*   I need to practice soc...

Being married with Children in this quarantine, looking at all the single people going through it alone, I'd kill to be alone right now.

Probably the only way it could happen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are two kinds of people in this world...

...those who know what spatchcocking a chicken is, and those who get banned from the grocery store for assuming they do.

The KKK are thriving in this pandemic

For now wandering around with your face covered yelling 'Go home!' is the right thing to do.

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There's a forest, and in this forest is a river and hovering above this river is a fly.

Looking at this fly is a fish and the fish is looking at this fly and is thinking: you know what, that fly drops six inches, I'm gonna go up there, get that fly and have myself a really nice meal.


What the fish didn't realize was that there was a bear looking at the fish looking at the fl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard there was an awesome sale going on going on in this guy’s basement

But when I got to his house, I couldn’t find the seller.

My friend asked me for a trading technique when I told him I have $100k worth of stock in this bad market.

I said, "Start with $200k".

I have this friend who dresses up his Labrador in this ridiculous yellow jacket.

What is he blind?

Jokes in this sub are always being repeated over and over...

Jokes in this sub are always being repeated over and over...

There's one kind of people in this world.

Those who know about Schrodinger, and those who don't.

You can really see how much Trump cares about creating jobs in this country

The White House seems to always be hiring.

What would you call the jokes about soviet union in this sub?

The USS r/jokes

There are many invention in this world, but the shovel is absolutely...

Groundbreaking

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A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes whe...

I asked the local homeless guy what he thought of the rubbish collectors in this city.

He said, "They leave a lot to be desired."

There are 11 types of people in this world...

1 those who understand binary

2 those who don't

3 those who are sick of hearing this joke





4 those who don't check for data overruns



Commit: re-scope of overflow after code review thanks @eightvo

-- 6 those who don't check for data overrun...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a zoomer growing up in this generation. I'm so fucked

And I'll still die a virgin

I was in this bar in LA, and Kanye West walks in...He looks around and just walks back out.

Oh well. Yeezy come, Yeezy go.

Roy Moore is no longer interested in this year..

Because it’s officially ‘18

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How could Donald Trump ever get elected in this great nation?

...said the country pissed off that the super bowl didn’t play music from spongebob.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my wife struts around in this newly purchased denim skirt

She asks me “does this skirt make my ass look big?”

“No, I think it’s all that shit you eat that makes your ass look big”


True story BYW - yes I am now divorced..

There are 10 types of people in this world.

Those who can understand binary

Those who can understand math jokes

Those who judge a joke by its title

Those who can recognize original content

Those who can tolerate repition

Those who can leave a better joke in the comments

Those who read all the way to t...

The frequency of bad physics jokes in this sub...

It Hertz

60 seconds have passed in this 90 degree weather...

It's been a hot minute.

There's only two things I hate in this world.

Accidentally pressing "submit" when making a post and

A group of young men were sitting around the coffee shop complaining about how hard it was to get by in this day and age.

Bob, an old timer, was listening to them and finally spoke. “You kids don’t know what hard times are. Why, when I was your age we were so poor we couldn’t afford electricity. Why, we even had to watch television by candle light.”

Did ya hear about the coal mine that caved in this morning?

Everyone got out, it was just a miner inconvenience.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are two types of people in this world

Those who can stay focused and finish a task, and oh, look, a butterfly!

I don't see why in this day and age there aren't marches against fat shaming

Because marches would definitely solve the problem.

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