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In Advance Jokes

Apologies in advance...

What has four letters.... Sometimes has nine.. and never has five...

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Man in a bar (I apologize in advance if it's a repost. New to me)

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night.
Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’.
Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
‘Damn’ he says and p...

Planning meals in advance...

Now that's some food forethought.

I apologize in advance

There was this guy named Barley Chown who produced knockoffs of famous designer brands, and was always trying to sell them in major retail stores. The head of purchasing at one store was named Sue Lee, and her policy was to never buy knockoffs as they competed with the more profitable designer bran...

My Dad told me this one so I apologize in advance

A doberman, a golden retriever and a cat enter the afterlife

God asks the golden retriever to tell him about himself, the dog says “I’ve been very loyal to my master,” God says,”That’s wonderful why don’t you take the seat on my right,”

God asks the Doberman to tell him about himself, ...

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My Father tells this one at every family get together. (Apologies in advance if that has been posted here already)

So Mrs. Rodgers is a 3rd grade English teacher, and each Monday she gives her students a new vocabulary word. The students' task is to come up with a sentence using the new vocabulary word by the following day. This week the word is "contagious."

So Tuesday morning rolls around and Mrs. Rodg...

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My therapist said I could book 10 sessions in advance for £5000.

She must think I'm crazy!!

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Merry Xmas in advance. Kind Of

Father of all non veg:

A family was at the dinner table.

Son asked his father---' Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there??

Surprised father answered- 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:? In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.?

In her 30's to 40's,...

A Chinese baby was born a month in advance

So his parents named him Er Lee

I love sunny side up eggs. But no matter how far in advance I plan to make one...

...I always wind up scrambling at the last minute.

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I apologize in advance...

What do you call a consortium of dildo manufacturers?




Peter Sellers

I was at the mall with my friend looking for a 'Learn to speak Spanish' book. [apologies in advance for what I hope is OC]

My friend speaks Spanish fluently and he is great with numbers so we were looking for cheap books when we came to the table that advertised, 5 books for the price of 3. I found the books we needed on another table and surprised when I saw the same offer.

"Oh Look, 5 for 3 too Juan."

[...

Sorry in advance for the pun...

So they opened a new zoo by my house, it really sucks. They only have one dog....it's a total shih tzu.

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A really bad joke a friend told me (sorry in advance)

A state trooper is driving on a highway. Suddenly, as he drives behind a civilian car, the car starts increasing its speed. The trooper starts to follow the car, suspecting something is up. The car keeps increasing the speed, going up to almost 140mph. After about 10 min chase the driver finally giv...

Made this up while laying in bed and yes it's bad. I apologize in advance

A 35 year old house painter walks out of his home on a snowy winter day but quickly scurries back inside and says with a grin on his face "It likes like I'M the one that needs another coat today"

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Viagra is still useful in advanced years

to stop you falling out of bed at night.

What's the difference between cocaine and a baby? (Apologies in advance)

Eric Clapton won't let cocaine fall out of a window....

Near-immediate edit: apparently this post is kind of a semi-annual thing

Recently signed up for a gym, even paid 3 months in advance. I just weighed myself and I gained 2 kilos!

“If this continues, I think I might have to go there and see what the hell is wrong”

In Soviet Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...

He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:

'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'

The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.

So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,
...

This is terrible, and I'd like to apologize in advance, but could anyone tell me why hipsters prefer corpses over zombies?

Corpses are still underground.

Why did the chicken go to the gym?

To build up it's pecs.

(apologies in advance. I made this up).

What do you call a bunch of crows that just earned a BS in Biology?

First Degree Pre-med Murder.


Sorry in advance. I'm in the middle of studying criminal law for the bar and know this is super dumb.

A young baker buys a shop

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin...

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First joke I've written, would like some feedback please

There's this guy with a crush on a cashier at the grocery store so he asks her to go on a date and she says yes.

She's got a lot of piercings and while on the date the guy asks her what made her decide to get so many piercings.

She tells him, "when I'm disappointed with a part of my ...

Queen farts

The Dutch Queen is in an elevator with three diplomats from France, Italy and Spain.

Suddenly, she farts loudly. At first, everyone is confused, but the French representative quickly comes to his senses, comes to her rescue and says: "Oh, I'm so sorry, that was me".

They don't even tra...

I told my doctor I was having problems with my memory...

He made me pay in advance. .

Why are there so few Jim Jones jokes?

Because the punch line would be too long.

I apologize in advance.

Help needed.

I work on a children's hospital, I'm known for the bad jokes I tell to the patients and their parents to cheer them up. I've actually ran out of jokes in the two and a half years I've worked there. I would REALLY appreciate if the community could tell me some new jokes that kids would get and find f...

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My Cake Day penis joke:

A guy goes to the beach for vacation, and he really wanted to impress the ladies on the beach. He worked out a bunch, tanned in advance, and bought a tiny banana hammock bathing suit for himself.

Each day, he put on his tight budgie smuggler and began walking the beach, smiling at the bathin...

A depressed man went to the doctor

The man said "Doc, I'm having dark thoughts and I may be suicidal. What should I do?"

And the doctor said "Pay in advance."

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Golf Player and Saudi Prince

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.

"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family...

I told my psychiatrist I'm thinking about suicide

He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

As a Syrian, I don't know why America is taking so long to get a definitive result from their election.

We know our results months in advance!

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I finally told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts

He said I have to start paying in advance

A guy barges into a psychiatrist's office, and screams...

"Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!"

The doctor calmly answers "Pay me in advance"

A Man Driving Down The Street Sees a Penguin

Apologies in advanced for spelling and grammar as I’m on my phone.

A man is driving down the street and sees a penguin on the side of the road. Curious he decides to pull over and pick it up. About that time a local police officer sees the two of them and decides to pull behind him as he’s l...

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Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

I told my psychologist that I have suicidal tendencies.

He started charging in advance.

Forgot to bring my protein powder to the gym today

Guess I should've prepared whey in advance

Need some jokes

So I'm a mailman and I deliver to a barber where we do a joke a day to eachother. I need some new jokes to tell, they can be clean or dirty as he has a sense of humor. If you have a good barber or mailmen joke would be a plus. Thank you in advance.

What do you call a chicken that is a ghost?

a poultrygeist


Ill be taking my downvotes in advance thanks

In the Soviet Union there was a 10 year wait list

On cars. You had to collect the money and register 10 years in advance. A guy goes to register, makes the payment and the sales person asks him to get back after 10 years for the car. The guy asks "morning or afternoon?"

The sales person asks how does it matter -you're already waiting 10 year...

Do you know where Redit keeps its Dad jokes?

In its Dadabase.......

sorry in advance.......

Cow for sale

An old farmer in serious financial trouble put an ad selling a cow for $500.

Another farmer went to see it and they agreed to deliver the cow the next day, paying in advance.

However, the next day the buyer came and old farmer said:

I'm sorry, but I have some bad news. The cow d...

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How do you get a penis out of a wine bottle?

Thanks in advance

A guy walks in a bar...

(Sorry in advance for my English, it's not my first language)


He sees on the counter of the bar a small pianist, about 10 inches tall, playing on a small piano.




- Man: What's up with the pianist?




- Barman: Oh, my genie got me that.



...

What's the difference between a geologist and Dwayne Johnson conducting an experiment?

One is a rock scientist. The other is The Rock, scientist.



(This is so dumb. I apologize in advance to anyone who reads this.)

Don't make a decision before you have studied all its aspects ! Don't make a decision when you are angry !

An iron company manager, while touring the company noticed a young man leaning against the wall and doing nothing.

He approached him and said softly, "How much is your salary?"

The young man was calm and surprised by the personal question.

He answered, "2500 dollars a month, sir...

Got any cancer jokes for a good cause?

Hi everyone, I'm not sure if this is allowed here or not, but I didn't see any rule against it in the sidebar so here we go (Mods, if this isn't OK, sorry in advance).

My younger sister was diagnosed with cancer a few hours ago. Dark humor is a staple in our family, so we spent my visit in t...

A guy says to his Psychiatrist : I am having suicidal thoughts

Psychiatrist : You need to pay my fees in advance today

Why is Germany the most grateful country?

Because in WWII they sent their tanks in advance

Helium walks into a bar.

The bartender stops him in advance, "We don't serve noble gases around here."

Helium doesn't react.

Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?

“Well son, you see, your mom really likes Easter, and so we used an anagram of that to name your sister.”

“Got it, thanks Dad!”

“No problem, Alan.”



[Just heard this from a colleague, apologies in advance if this is a repost in this sub]

What kind of car did Jesus drive?

OK. I apologize in advance if you've already seen this one. it's an old joke from the 70's, when there was a gas crisis, and they posted this question on billboards around the South.

So, what's the answer? The answer is that no know knows what Jesus drove, but we know that his Father drove a ...

A husband and his wife are having financial difficulties. After many nights and days of talking, with ideas coming and going, they decide she should try prostitution.

They agree on the prices- £20 for a hand job, £50 for oral, and £100 for intercourse, the husband would be waiting in the car.
She meets a guy in a bar and he accepts her advances so she tell him the prices.
She says "Its £20 for a hand job, £50 for oral and £100 for intercourse."
"Gee,"...

Ever wondered why Ayo & Teo always wore masks?

They knew in advance that Coronavirus would come

A woman just came home after a plastic surgery

She went straight to her husband, and handed him a heavy bill. He took a long look at his wife before looking back down at the bill, “When did they start taking payment in advance?”

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Did you ever learn about how the WWII Kamikaze pilots were chosen?

The bombing of Pear Harbor had been planned out a year in advance.

Until Japan put the plan into action they held studies on their pilots and soldiers

After some psychological tests they found the troops that were suicidal and were hoping being in war would get them killed

And ...

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What did the women say to the tattoo artist before flashing him?

Tit for tat?

(I'm sorry in advance. No more internet for me today)

A gypsy man caught a golden fish

And the fish said "Dear fisherman, if you throw me back in the water, I will grant you three wishes."

The gypsy threw the fish back and went "I want to be white, I want to be 8 inches long and I want all women in the world to want me."

Fish did it's magic and the man turned into a peri...

Two jokes from the USSR

1. A guy walks in the phone booth and makes a call:
- Is this anonymic phone of KGB?
- Yes, comrade Piotr Trasevich, who lives in the hpuse no5 of Nevski avenue in St. Petersburg, has a wife, two kids, orange car and love affair, this is anonymic phone of KGB.

2. KGB agent brings a susp...

If you had to choose one superpower to have forever

please legalize weed if it's Russia. Thanks in advance.

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Help my boy laugh through his urology appointment!

I need every (non-sexual) ball and dick joke you can think of. My 8-year-old is at a urology appointment and is nervous. I’m lightening the mood.

Stuff like “what’s the difference between a snow man and snow woman? Snow balls”

Thanks in advance!

Bad joke incoming

I apologize in advance


Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. A super calloused fragile...

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The story of Mr. Smiley….

There was a nice family of three, a mother, a daughter, and a father. Occasionally, the mother and father would go out on date nights, leaving their daughter at home with a babysitter. The parents would always get a female babysitter, but one day they couldn’t find any female babysitters in the ar...

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