Continued Jokes - 81 Hilarious Continued Jokes

I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...

"It’s cutting hedge technology!"

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

"Twelve thousand, two hundred and fourteen, "twelve thousand, two hundred and fifteen..." my daughter continued as she sat on my shoulders.

I regret telling her she'd always be able to count on me.

I saw a kid crying alone and asked where his parents was. He continued crying louder.

Anyways, working at the orphanage is fun.

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Made some Indian food for dinner the other night. While telling my wife what was in it, I said I'd used butter in one part, but wished I'd had some ghee instead. She looked at me quizzically, and I continued "Because it's more traditionally Indian."

"Ah," she replied. "Thanks for clarifying."

 

Note: this actually happened! She's a gem and I'm keeping her.

Reporter to the old guy sitting next to his wife: "what's your secret for 80 years of happy and successful marriage?"

The old man replied "i'm gonna tell you a story, 75 years ago we were on a trip, we were horseback riding just ive two of us, out of nowhere her horse went crazy and throw her off on the ground, she calmly got up, cleared herself of dust and facing ive horse said "that's one" then got back on the ho...

As the alien onslaught continued, linguists were working furiously to translate the only message they’d received in response to our plea to understand why they were attacking.

The President was in his bunker trying to figure out where the first contact went wrong. He told his aide, “They landed and I went up to the leader and greeted him in peace. They immediately ran back back to their ship, and started their assault.”

Just then, the lead linguist ran into the r...

As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

Garbage can

An old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came dow...

Socrates the philosopher

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It...

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A man met this lady at a bar and they decided to go to her place to have sex after the bar closed...

They're in the bedroom and he takes off his shoes and
socks."My goodness what happened to you're feet?"She asks.

"I had tolio," He replied.
"Dont you mean polio?" She asks."No. This just affected my feet. It's called toelio."She thought nothing of it and continued to undress.
He tak...

Will smith went missing in a forest, it was hard to track his footprints, however they continued searching because..

wherever there’s a Will, there’s a way.

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The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and...

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There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestlers legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas.

John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, “This Russ ...

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on to the next employee.

The first employee elected to double and pass it on. The CEO thought what a generous individual this was and then moved on to the next employee.

The next employee also declined the (now)...

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Two young boys walk into a pharmacy store to buy tampons

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'

'Eight', the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used ...

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I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.
"Fuck off" he shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

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The old professor started each lecture with a dirty joke.

After a real objectionable example of that one day, the
female students got together and decided that next time,
when this happens again, they will all walk out in unison.

The professor got wind of this plot. Next morning, after he
entered the lecture hall, he said: "Good morning! Ha...

An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “what is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown...

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor...

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up.

A few minutes later, a drunkard on his w...

OMG!!! I was sitting in the Nordstrom bathroom stall

And had just sat down when a voice in the next stall over said “Hi! How are
You??”. Embarrased, I said “I’m fine?”. The voice continued “So what are you up to??” I said “Just sitting here like you!” Then the voice says “Can I come over??” Thoroughly annoyed and somewhat alarmed at this point I sa...

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Grandpa tells his grandson, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
<...

A man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I took the Lord's name in vain while golfing."

"I understand, my son," the priest says. "I play the game as well, and it can be frustrating. What happened?"

"Well," the man says, "I hit my drive on the fifteenth green and it sliced to the right, into the trees."

"Was that when you did it?" The priest asked.

"No, the ball b...

A man and his wife were driving down the road and talking...

the wife said to her husband, "Honey if I were to die, would you get remarried?" The husband thought for a moment and then said, "Well, yes I think I would." The wife wasn't too happy about this, she spent some time in quiet thought. Then, after a while she said, "Honey, if I were to die and you wer...

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

A bear joke

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted.

"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment,...

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

Upon arriving at the pearly gates, Jesus said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. I really think you'll like it here."

Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how H...

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

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A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in ...

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A new monk arrives at the monastery

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned the task of helping the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there wa...

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

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While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beat...

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forgive me father for i have sinned...

... "go on" says the priest.
"I swore the other day" says the man.
"continue" says the priest.
"I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway".
"and this is when...

As the Titanic sank, the musicians remained on deck and continued to play music as the ship went down.

The captain had said "aBandOn Ship", so they really had no choice.

Your mama is so fat…..

On one edge of her passport photo, it says continued on next page.

"But Dad, I came in second!" I cried, as he continued to belittle my athletic skills.

That's the last time I let him watch me box.

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

Adam

One day, God summoned Adam for an important task he must complete...

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly Lord, what do you want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explaine...

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A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one like" The manager groaned an...

A man went skydiving for the first time. "It's easy," said the instructor.

"Just count to five and pull on the main chute," the instructor continued. "If that doesn't open, count to ten and pull on the reserve chute."

"Super easy," he concluded. "Then you'll float slowly to the ground, and our bus will be there to drive you back to the airport."

The man j...

A man on his death bed was speaking with his wife.

"Helen," he said, "We've been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down, and we lost everything of value we had in this world? We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side."

His wife solemnly replied, "I remember, dear."

"Helen," he continued, "w...

A farmer had three daughters

And they all three had dates planned for this evening. The farmer got his shotgun out to clean as well for added intimidation for the gentlemen callers.
At 5PM there was a knock on the door, so the farmer answered it with his shotgun in tow.

A young man was standing in the stoop, and said,...

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This cont...

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A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

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After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening….

when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the oth...

A policeman knocked on my door this morning...

...but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He...

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Sex on the beach!

A widowed Jewish woman, mid 50′s, went to a Tel Aviv beach for the first time since her husband passed. She was still attractive and looked good in her bathing suit. On the same beach was an attractive man, mid 50’s, getting some sun and reading a book. She put her blanket down next to his and ...

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“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

Divorce Judgement

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation o...

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A DEA agent stopped by my farm yesterday.

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The DEA officer exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the federal government with me!”, he shouted before pul...

And as he continued to walk, he noticed during the hardest parts of his life

there was only one set of footprints in the sand. He asked Jesus, why, and Jesus said...
"Those are Cris Cristie's...he kicked everyone else off the beach."

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.
"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked.
"I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said.
"Don't you mean Polio?"
"No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."
Not wanting to ruin the moo...

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
...

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

“No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!” ...

How to get rich

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of th...

A father went shopping with his 3 year old son

The child was crying loudly and the father kept repeating calmly: "It's ok Johnny, don't cry Johnny, everything's gonna be fine."

When they reach the cashier, the child continued to cry louder but the father kept reapeating calmly: "We're almost done Johnny, you're gonna be home soon Johnny, ...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter,...

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This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are having beans, stir it in,...

What does the man with celiac's disease say when he talks about his continued love of bread products?

I'm a gluten for punishment.

My grandmother was an amazing seamstress, and continued to sew even after going blind. But she never used a thimble.

I guess she just didn't see the point.

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Two Conspiracy Theorists Die...

...as they stand before God waiting to be judged, God tells them that they each may ask him one question they have always wanted to be answered and he would answer it.

One of the conspiracy theorists steps forward and asks “who was REALLY behind 9/11?”

Before God can answer, the seco...

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The Drunk and a priest

On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:

"Do you know what arthritis is?"

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

"It's a ...

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Parking Tickets

So the other day I went to the supermarket, and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called...

Scotish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing"...

"Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued.

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”...

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A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute

and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but littl...

I walked into the dentist’s and whispered, “I think I’m a moth.” The dentist shrugged, “I don’t think you should be here. You need to see a psychiatrist.” I continued, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.” Puzzled, he asked, “What are you doing here then?” I explained...

“The light was on.”

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One day, terrorists attacked a village [NSFW]

Warning : A joke from my own language. Terrible grammar ahead.

They took the men of village as hostages. The head of terrorists wanted to have some fun this time. He called the wives of the men to the camp of terrorists. He put bandage to women's eyes and told men to lose their pants. Terrori...

Choking Lady

Two hillbillies walked into a local restaurant as they had decided to stop by for a bite to eat. While they dined, they talked about their moonshine operation.

All of a sudden, one woman sitting next to them (she had been eating a sandwich just right across their table) begun to cough. After ...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall started: **"Hey man, how are you doing?"**.

A little confused I replied: **"Ehm good, I guess."**

To my surprise the guy continued with: **"What ya doin'?"**

<...

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Old Woman

An old lady is walking down the street carrying 2 large sacks and one is leaking $20 bills.

A cop stops her and asks "Where did an old lady like you get all that money?" and she replied,

Well you see I live behind a golf course and when the golfers need to pee they stick their penis in...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

A calligrapher died peacefully in his sleep.

He soon woke up in a land of paradise. He spent the next few days exploring. Heaven was exactly as he imagined—pristine rolling hills, golden castles upon cloud tops, reunions with lost loved ones, and endless opportunities to explore one's hobbies. He had access to the finest selection of inks and ...

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