UPJOKE
deuteriumoxygenchemical elementwaterfluorineammoniafuelgascarbonplasmachlorineneutronironhydridenitrogen

A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.

His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.

I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.

Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he...

Two hydrogen atoms and an oxygen atom had a threesome...

Made me so wet.

"Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron

.”The other says, “Are you sure?”

The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”

H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.

I wanted to tell a joke involving Sodium and Hydrogen...

But NaH.

A few moments after the big bang a cloud full of Hydrogen atoms fall into a blackhole and die.

A few moments after the big bang a cloud full of Hydrogen atoms fall into a blackhole and die. The arrive at the border between multiverses and meet Saint Platinum-Erbium

St PtEr says to them "Welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through, but before I may do that, I must ask each...

TIL a Goose's beak is composed of 4 elements: Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, and Potassium.

HONK

Hydrogen peroxide except it's funny

Two chemists walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What can I get you?"
The first chemist responds, "I'd like some H2O."
The second chemists says, "I'd like some H2 — wait, we aren't at work, why'd you say it like that? I'd like some water too, please."
The first chemist mutters to himself,...

My chemistry teacher was talking about Hydrogen Bonding today.

Sounds like a lot of FON.

Two hydrogen atoms decide that they want to ride on the Large Hadron Collider.

They jump on a plane to Switzerland and sneak in while no one is looking. As they start to speed up one of them realises that they have both lost their electrons. It mentions it to his friend who asks "Are you sure?"

It replys "I'm positive."

Oxygen, Hydrogen, Sulfur, Sodium, and Phosphorus walk into a bar.

The bartender says: "OH SNaP"

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Two men are having a business meeting in a small coffee shop...

...when a barista approaches and asks them what they'd like. The first man says that he'd like a glass of water. The barista replies "One glass of H2O coming right up." then turns to the second man and asks him what he'd like. The second man replies "I'd like a glass of H2O too, please". The Barista...

If I ever own a hydrogen car, I know what my license plate will be.

HNDNBRG

Why were oxygen, hydrogen and carbon wearing suites and ties?

Because they are formyl group.

What did the scientist say when he mixed 2oxygen molecules with Yttrium, Boron, and Hydrogen

OH BOY

A science joke

What did the hydrogen atom say to the helium atom:

release my family

How is a hydrogen ion similar to North Korea?

They have no electrons.

Hydrogen and Carbon walk into a bar

Hydrogen: Hey I was thinking about starting a business about electrons and wanted to ask if you wanted to be a partner

Carbon: Sure! I’ve got nothing to lose!

So Hydrogen finally admitted to Sodium that she had been bonding with Oxygen

Sodium reacted violently.

How do hydrogen atoms find a new leader?

They hold an *electron*.

Three atoms, hydrogen, helium, and oxygen walk into a bar.

They go up to the bartender, Germanium, and start to order their drinks, but soon realise they are short on cash.

Hydrogen says to Germanium, "Hey man, we've had a long week, bonding is hard. If we can make you laugh, can we drink for free tonight?"

Germanium thinks about it for a min...

Hydrogen asks his parents, Sodium and Potassium if he can go to a party.

First, he asks his mom, Sodium. He knows that she is very strict and she will probably say no.

"Na," she says, exactly what he expects

He decides to ask his dad. He is much less strict, and was in a good mood. Maybe he can let Hydrogen go to the party.

"k," he says

Two Hydrogens walk into a bar and spot an Oxygen

Feeling adventurous, they approach her and ask "Hey baby, can we interest you in a waterway?"

39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom

Scientists still can’t determine how much is needed for your mother though

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What did the sexual deviant hydrogen say to the oxygen?

Do you like bondage?

Oxygen and potassium went on a date...

...it went ok.

Oxygen and magnesium went on a date.

The other chemicals were like 'omg'!

Two noble gases went on a date.

There was no reaction.

Two protons went on a date.

There was no attraction.

Hydrogen and chlorine went on a date.

They felt...

A hydrogen elemental and two water elementals walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "'Water' you doing here?"

This came up in a recent RPG session. It's terrible, but I loved it too much not to post.

Why don't Sodium and Hydrogen have any friends?

Because when they ask someone to hangout with them, everyone says NaH dude.

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An H+ ion and a hydrogen atom were bonding

"No homo?" the hydrogen atom asks.
"No homo," the H+ ion says sadly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When people tell me that the U.S. made the first hydrogen bomb, I always have to correct them...

It was obviously the Nazis with their *Hindenburg*.

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Why did the big ball of hydrogen and helium give Harvey Weinstein a blowjob?

Because he said he would make her a star!

So Scooby Doo mixes Ruthenium Hydrogen together with alcohol..

RuH-ROH.

Hydrogen is the smartest.

The rest of the elements are denser.

Why did Hydrogen hurt Iron?

Because he wanted to see him Sulfur.

What do you call a nitrogen atom having a 5-way orgy with 4 other hydrogen atoms?

Ammoooaaanium

Chemistry Poem

Oxygen U played Hydrogen Tech and the game had just begun,

when Hydrogen racked up two quick scores while Oxygen still had none.

Then Oxygen scored a single run and thus it did remain,

at Hydrogen 2, Oxygen 1, called because of rain.

What do you get when you put hydrogen into the air?

Hair

Do you know how many hydrogen bonds I can disrupt? (Chemistry pick-up line)

Enough to break the ice, how's it going?

I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents

One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.

In a small South American village, a man was putting the final touches on a new cheese recipe…

The man, a chemist, was surprised at the secret ingredients that made it so delicious: sodium, carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen.

“Now I just need to give it a name…” he thought.

Suddenly, a burglar dropped out of nowhere and snagged the vat of cheesy goodness!

“STOP!” the man shoute...

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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

A man brought his chemist friend to the bar for a drink with the other friends. When asked what he wanted, the chemist decided that since she's the designated driver, she'll order water. "I'll have some H20, please!" the chemist said, with the man replying "I'll have some H20 too!"

The man died of ingesting hydrogen peroxide.

A chemist walks into reddit

He does some research on certain posts and discovers that they are made up of atoms.

After some thought, he concludes that the posts at the top of r/all contain mostly hydrogen atoms, because hydrogen is the lightest element, so these posts naturally rise to the top. He decides to name these ...

A woman and her best friend go to a restaurant next to the local College for Chemistry...

...The waiter, who happened to be working his way through school at this restaurant, sauntered up to the table and asked the first lady "May I bring you something to drink?"

The first lady said "Oh, I'll just have some H2O". The waiter turns to the second lady and looks at her "And you ma'am?...

Chemistry jokes #3

H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking

I’m trying to find the best chemistry jokes but all the good ones argon


Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"

Potassium and Oxygen hooked up

It would have been OK, if Potassium hadn't come first.

Bonus: Oxygen, Hydrogen, and Carbon always wear their best suits when they get together. They're a formyl group.

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Ok here is a very dark joke. NSFW

Hitler and Mussolini were a lot like hydrogen and oxygen.

One did the burning while the other supported it.

Fat women are like hydrogen

single and abundant

Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have your finest aged H2O2.", says the first.

"I'll have the same H2O2, too.", says the second.



The bartender served them both water because he paid attention in chemistry class and understood the decomposition process of hydrogen peroxide.

A chemist went to see a doctor

"Doctor, I don't feel thirst and keep finding myself always dehydrated". "Drink 8 glasses of fluid a day as a guideline" adviced the doctor.

"Can I count in fruit juice?" asked the man. "Since they do contain a bit of sugar, don't forget to supplement the fluid intake with H20 too" replied th...

How many periodic elements does it take to turn on a light?

Sulfur, Tungsten, Iodine, Technetium, and Hydrogen.

A genius high school chemistry student takes a test

A genius high school chemistry student takes a test, gets his score back, and is dismayed to find that he missed exactly one question and thus would not be accepted to his University of choice. He is especially bummed because the question he missed was "how many valence electrons does a Hydrogen ato...

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