UPJOKE
steelmetalalloynickelwrought ironcoppercast ironferrousstainless steelrustcarbonearthlimestonechromiumoxygen

Whats the difference between the Catholic Church and a clothing iron?

The church only wishes they could burn things until they are straight.

What is difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One is a super hero other is a command

What is the difference between Aluminum-man and Iron man?

Aluminum-man will try to foil your plans.


EDIT: What is the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?

- Iron man stops the bad guys, while Aluminum man will foil their plans.

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Jack staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.

The doctor asks him what happened.

“Well it was like this,” said Jack. “I was having a quiet game of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.<...

Ironically the guy who attacked Dave Chapelle got his Humerus bone dislocated

There was no arm done on Dave though.

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The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

W...

What do you call a cat made out of Iron?

Fe-line

What plant is made of iron and steel?

Power plant

Steel producers are grappling with the high price of iron...

...they say it's a terrible ore deal.

(An ore-ful joke, I know.)

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron

Which is ironic.

My friend told me that I don't understand the meaning of Ironic.

Which was ironic, because we were at a bus station.

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It's ironic that Thelma and Louise spend an entire film challenging sexist stereotypes

And then die at the end because of their terrible driving.

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Did you hear about the soldier that impressed his CO by making a bugle entirely out of scrap iron?

The CO liked it so much declared the next day Ferrous Bugler's Day Off.

what's it called when Iron Man makes a tire?

A ferrous-wheel

What do you call a cat wearing an iron armor?

(Fe)line

The most ironic part about working at the unemployment office is...

If you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

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Being a teenager is the worst. I've jerked off more than I've studied.

Which is ironic. One of then requires you to clear up space, look up the material, make sure theres no distractions around you and focus.

....and the other ones studying.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom.

Until they are flashing behind you.

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Don’t use Viagra if you’re also taking an iron supplement.

You'll spend several hours facing north.

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My grandfather once boasted he could hit a man between the buttocks from 200 yards with iron sights

That's quite the crack shot

Thuperheroeth

A guy was walking down the street when he glanced down an alley and saw that it was almost entirely demolished. In the center of the rubble laid a man with all his teeth missing and blood pouring from his mouth.

The bystander ran up to the injured man. "What happened?"

"Well, I wath ...

Why did Iron Man become a trans woman?

Because she realized she was Fe-male!

What do roundworms and a toad with no iron have in common?

They're both anemotodes.




Not technically OC, my mom came up with it

Surprise

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the Chicken Surprise.

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises lightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around befor...

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

First night and the instructor says "Right guys. First night out in the woods! Your first test is to go catch your dinner. I want each team to go out and catch a...

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

A man asks to his wife: why are you ironing the bra's if nothing is behind it?

A man asks to his wife: why are you ironing the bra's if nothing is in it?

The woman answers: i also iron your underpants right?

Rumor has it Marvel is gonna make a movie about Iron Woman

The cast will have a FeMale.

My American girlfriend recently had a knee transplant here in London

which is ironic as her name is Britney

For the golfers: if you get caught in a thunderstorm on the golf course, grab your one iron and hold it up over your head.

Not even God can hit a one iron.

Did you hear that you can buy iron and carbon for the price of just 1 alloy?

What a steel!

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Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called...

Why aren't Incel's big fans off Iron-Man?

They're just not big on Fe-Males, that's all.

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A farmer is worried that his sex life with his wife is getting a bit dry They go to see a therapist, who asks them what they think the problem is.

The wife says, "I just don't have time for it, I'm too busy cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry and everything else. Sex is starting to lose its appeal".

The farmer is disheartened to hear this, but listens to the therapist, who tells him, "You need to change things up a bit. You'll just hav...

Why is the barbarian carrying a skillet?

Wizard: Why is the barbarian carrying a skillet?

Bard: He thinks it's his spellcasting focus.

Wizard: He has spells?

Bard: Just one. Every time he hits someone with it, he shouts "Cast iron!"

Why did Iron Man play music at my party?

Because he was RDJ

What weighs more? 50kg of Iron or a 50kg woman?

The woman. They always lie about their weight.

There was a giant, steel, robot who had one job, protect the city.

One day when it was raining some of the screws got rusty and fell off causing one of the legs to fall off entirely. When the leg fell off it crushed the city that it was meant to protect.

Oh, the iron knee!

Iron Man never got along with Aquaman.

He has rust issues

Iron Man is a very confusing character.

I know he’s a guy but he could’ve been Fe Male.

Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

Your Parents when you move out ;)

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"<...

Wouldn’t it be ironic if Trump was brought down

By a virus from China , named after a Mexican beer?

One day, a blonde walked into a doctor's office with both of her ears burnt.

The doctor asked her what had happened.

She says, "Well..... I was ironing out my work suit and the phone rang, but I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone."

The doctor says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what about the other?"

"The phone rang again", came the r...

What did the iron say to the gold when it tried to wake him up?

AU, get out of here!

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Two friends run into each other

One of the friends has his face badly burned on both sides. Curious, the first guy asks him what happened to his face. The guy tells him that he was watching TV while his old lady was ironing clothes next to him, the phone rang and when he went to answer it, he picked up the ironing machine instead....

Heard a rumor that Iron Man is going to be the newest Disney Princess...

...they're always on the lookout for a strong Fe male character.

Woman stopped me at the station and said for twenty bucks she'd do things my wife would never dream of ...

I gave her twenty bucks and she ironed three shirts.

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The only thing more ironic than a mother calling her son a son of a bitch...

Is a kid calling his father a motherfucker.

You wanna hear about something ironic? My grandma’s zodiac sign was Cancer.

She was killed... by a giant crab.

Why is it a bad idea to iron your four leaf clover?

Because you shouldn't press your luck!

I heard Barcelona is ironing out a new deal with their best player.

It might get Messi

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Not so fast

One Friday morning, Bill was quietly sipping his coffee and reading the newspaper at the kitchen table when his wife came up from the basement and without warning, smacked him on the side of his head…

"What the Hell was that for?" Bill asked, covering his head with both hands, anticipating a ...

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Update on an Ironic Classic

A man goes to the doctor, says he's depressed, says life seems harsh, heartless and cruel. He's all alone in a threatening world, and what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him, that should pick you up." Man bur...

Which historical period has the tidiest shirts?

The Iron Age

It's quite ironic that "strap on"…

…backwards, spells 'no parts'…

My iron broke due to overheating

The irony

Iron-man and Silver Surfer are teaming up

The are alloys now.

"I'm anemic."

she said unironically.

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What do you call a dog with iron balls and no rear paws?

Sparky

Iron Man stands in front of his magic mirror one morning,

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the ferrous of them all?"

An iron deficient...

An iron deficient female is just a male.

If you think about it, Iron Man, under all that technology, the fancy clothes and the expensive jewellery...

He is just... Stark naked!

Low iron deficiency gang STAND UP!

But not too fast.

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My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

Captain America asks Iron Man "How much did it cost to kill your parents?"

One buck.

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Lincoln, a biopic on Abraham Lincoln was a commercial success.

Ironic considering the circumstances of his death. Although it made a lot of money, a movie on John Wilkes Booth would be a box office killer.

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"Why do you women use hair straightening irons?" "To make our hair look longer!"

Doctor: "How did you manage to get that burn on your penis, Sir?"

A Brunette and a Redhead walk into a bar . . .

The Blonde, ironically, ducked.

Thereʻs nothing ironic about rain on your wedding day.

It’s normal for a couple to have a bridal shower.

Why was Spider-man's suit wrinkled?

Because he lost his iron, man.

It's ironic that Parasite won.

Because there was no host for the Oscars.

Huh? Huh?
I'll show myself out.

Thank you for the silver star!. My first!

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Hitler Goes To Heaven

Hitler gets to the gates of heaven after being murdered by Hitler, and Jesus comes to the gate.

"*I can't let you in - you're Hitler*"

"*Ach mein freund, if you let me in I will give you the Iron Cross!*". Jesus thinks for a minute and picks up the gatehouse phone to call God's office....

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Big Mean Steve

There's a boom town out in the desert in the old west.

One day word starts going around that Big Mean Steve's coming. All the shopkeepers start boarding up their windows and half the town starts loading up their wagons. They ask each other, "You sticking around?" "Hell no, Big Mean Steve's co...

The word QUEUE is ironic.

It's just a Q with a bunch of silent letters waiting in line.

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A man was driving home from work when he remembered it was the 20th anniversary of his marriage

He still needed to get a gift for his wife, so he stopped at the department store on his way home. He quickly went to the lingerie department to pick up a gift and a sales associate was very happy to help. The sales associate asked what his budget was, to which he responded about $50. She showed him...

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Spiderman, Iron-man and Superman decided to check who has the strongest erection

Spiderman, Iron-man and Superman decided to check who has the strongest erection

&nbsp;

Iron-man thinks about Pepper Potts hangs 5-gallon bucket on his shlong and walks 5 yards. Everybody praises him.

&nbsp;


Spiderman thinks about Gwen Stacy hangs 20-gallon ke...

What does the iron deficient giant say?

“fi fo fum”

What's ironic about having a left handed pen

It's for righting.

My mum's starsign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a massive crab

What's Iron Man's favorite type of housework?

Hoovering

The cover on my ironing board was wrinkled

so I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of "irony."

My wife always thinks really hard about ironing vs. putting her shirts in the dryer to get rid of wrinkles.

I asked her to not be so clothes-minded.

Dated my first girlfriend today!

Her father beat me and took away my branding irons.

What did x æ a-12 got when he was given a lithium iron battery, to reboot himself?

Li-Fe

Why was titanium afraid of iron and argon

Because there is nothing to fear but FEAR itself

It took me quite a while to iron out this joke

There once was a greedy ore mining magnate who wished that everything he touched would turn into iron. He was careful to always wear gloves except when making huge loads of ore, except for one day when a mosquito landed on his knee. Not thinking, the magnate slapped his leg with his exposed hand. Hi...

When I become a superhero, I'm going to call myself "Ironic".

So when there's trouble & I'm running away, people will be like "Isn't that ironic?!"

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Ironic, isn't it ?

That the penalty for participating in an insurrection at the U.S. Capitol that resulted in multiple deaths just might be Capital Punishment.

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Two women died and were waiting at the gates of heaven. They talked to each other.

“How did you die?”

“I froze to death. It was painful and took a long time. And you? How did you die?”

“A heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating on me and I came home suddenly. He was alone in our bedroom. But I felt his girlfriend was somewhere! So I spend a long time lookin...

Know what’s ironic?

A computer asking me if I’m a robot.

Before leaving for a battle, King Arthur puts a strong iron chastity belt on his wife Guinevere and entrusts the key to his most loyal knight, Eddie. Then King Arthur departs.

Five minutes into his journey, King Arthur hears Eddie screaming for him to stop. King Arthur signals his steed to halt and waits for Eddie to catch up.

"Eddie!" the king says, "What's the matter?"

"Your highness," says Eddie. "You gave me the wrong key."

What's heavier: A pound of iron or a pound of feathers?

The only correct answer is a pound of feathers. And while it's true they both weigh the same, with a pound of feathers you have to live with what was done to those poor birds.

These days, iron and steel are traded on the international commodity market, and if you need some, you just need to contact a trader.

Formerly, if you wanted iron or steel, you would need to go to an ironworks or even a blacksmith's and negotiate directly with the men who made it.

Whoever smelted, dealt it.

It's ironic...

Most anti-vax mothers are actually vaccinated.

Which, depending on what you believe, might explain their autism.

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A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

What do you get when you combine Calcium and Iron?

A cafe

My wife bought me some iron ore for Christmas.

She seems to have misunderstood when I asked for a slag.

The difference between ironman and iron woman is....

One is a super hero, the other is a command.

And this type of rubbish joke is why my wife left me and the only comfort I have is reddit....I'm the real joke here.

Why can’t Iron man wear Spiderman’s suit?

He’s dead

What happened to Iron man when he wanted some salt?

He got a divorce form his wife Pepper.

My wife said she was feeling light-headed from a low iron level.

To help her, I raised the ironing board to a more suitable height.

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My old Gramps used to say "If you've got a screwdriver set, an adjustable spanner and a soldering iron you can fix anything!"





Senile old cunt, I've just made a right fucking mess of my niece's poorly gerbil.

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