UPJOKE
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Acid Jokes

I was arrested for drinking battery acid.

But I wasn’t charged.
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Why would the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base.
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I've heard rumors acid is dangerous.

Pretty sure they are baseless though.
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Why does the military stockpile hydrochloric acid?

To neutralize their enemy's strongest bases.
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What do you call an acid with an attitude?

A-mean-o acid.
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When life hands you High Fructose Corn Syrup, Citric Acid, Ascorbic Acid, Maltodextrin, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Magnesium Oxide, Calcium Furmarate, Yellow #5, Tocopherol and less than 2% natural flavors...

...make lemonade.
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Why did the acid go to the Gym ?

To become buffer solution
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What sound does a fatty acid make when it sneezes?

"A-COOH!"
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For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted
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Throwing acid is wrong...

...in some people’s eyes.
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What do you call taking acid with birth control?

Taking a trip without the kids.
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Coffee is acidic. Until you add pumpkin and spices...

Then it becomes basic.
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My chemistry teacher asked me what's an acid + base.

A good party wasn't the correct answer, apparently.
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I dropped 4 tabs of acid yesterday







>!So I picked them up!<
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Why do people take acid at raves?

Because there's so much base.
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Sodium Chloride and Sulphuric Acid were in jail

Turns out they were in for assault and battery
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I was on acid and I actually tasted colors.

Tasted a lot like paint.
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Tried to photograph formica spraying acid

But they wood-ant cooperate
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Some acids walked into the enemy base...

Threat Neutralized.
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I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.
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My Mom said to stop drinking soda because it has acid in it.

I replied," Stop making such baseless accusations".
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NEVER, EVER, drop acid

Always take it, pass/fail
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I just dropped my biro into a vat of acid. Do you know what happens when you drop a biro into a vat of acid?

Well, it de-pens.
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I’m the scientist who just discovered that goose-down pillows are NOT resistant to sulphuric acid.

Although, apparently that’s not what my wife meant when she said we need to “experiment in the bedroom”
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks...

They charged one - and let the other one off.
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I'll never forget my dog's last words

"You've taken too much acid."
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to dump my girlfriend in hydrochloric acid...

But that basic bitch neutralized the situation.

I had really bad acid reflux

So I went to the doctor and it was not a big deal but they were able to find early onset cancer. Thank GERD they were able to catch it before it got much worse!
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

I did some acid before I took my vision exam.

It went great, I passed with flying colors.
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Why do techno snobs love acid and ketamine so much?

Cuz they can't get over their high horse without tripping.
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I went to a science seminar and they announced they'd developed an acid that ate through everything.

I asked them what they kept it in.
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A scientists asks people on the street whats the most acidic thing they own. One man answers its his phone. The scientist replies: “No, acidic does not mean dirty”

The man replies: “I know, my phone has a ph of one”
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What happens when you mix acid and bass?

Dubstep
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Q: How do you know if someone is on acid?

A: Don't worry, they'll tell you.
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What is the most acidic soup?

Ph0
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Someone told me that DNA stands for Deoxyribonucleic Acid

Does it not stand for National Dyslexic Association?
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A blonde sees a cow with no horns...

...so she asks the farmer, "Excuse me, but why wouldn't a cow have any horns?"

The farmer replies, "Well, ma'am, there are several reasons a cow might not have horns. Firstly, some breeds just don't have horns. Another reason is sometimes we cut them off when a cow gets too rambunctious and...
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Who is the least acidic baseball player of all time?

Al Kaline.
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What do heart burn chewables and formic acid have in common?

They're both ant acids.
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TIL military personnel are less likely to get acid reflux

Probably because they all have to go through basic training.
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I have a friend who can’t seem to get her life together. I blame it on her citric acid allergy.

Every time life hands her lemons, she goes into anaphylactic shock.
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what do Anti-vax kids and Acids have in common?

they don't go above 7
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What do you call a serial killer on acid?

Jack the tripper
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even though coffee is more acidic, all Starbucks coffee products have a pH of 14

Extremely basic
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What did the man with bad acid reflux say?

Oh ma GERD
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say acid is a gateway drug..

But good luck getting to the fridge when there's a fucking dragon guarding it!

(thought of this during science class) A DJ conducts a science experiment with acids during his concert

Unfortunately, it all went wrong when he dropped the base
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What does a ghost take when they have acid reflux?

Phan-Tums
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Acid...

The taste you can see!
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An acid and a base walk into a bar

The police later arrested the two for a salt.
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I want to go to Utah so I can do acid with Mormons in a best buy looking for graphics cards

I'll call it my LSDLDSDLSS adventure
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My Chemistry Professor told me that Hydrofluoric acid and Hydrochloric acid are the perfect buffer system.

Her accusations are baseless.
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What do you call a water foul on acid?

Peking duck.
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Heard of the guy who fell into a tub of sulphuric acid ??

Yup he had an acid trip
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Why did the acid perform poorly?

Because it didn't concentrate.
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If you take acid at a track meet...

is it a field trip?
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My friends are always tripping on acid

I don't understand why they can't just walk around it
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How many hits of acid do I need before I can change a light bulb?

Two. One to help me get the ladder and the other to distract all the spiders. Oh god - - there are SPIDERS everywhere!! And now they’re purple cows. With fangs. Only 8 more hours of blblblblblblblblbl.
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Why do some people take formic acid to treat heartburn?

Because it is a type of ant-acid
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hell no.

A man dies and is sent to hell. He meets the devil who offers him three choices of punishment for the sins that he had committed. The devil tells the man, "There are three torture rooms, of which you will pick one and go in to replace the person who is being punished in that room. The choice is your...

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”

“You mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist.

“That’s it! I can never remember that word.”
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Whats another term for acid?

Its on the tip of my tongue...
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Acid shoes

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer, I dont know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
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I just got sulphurous acid in my eyes but I'm not alarmed.

And I'm certainly not going to see a doctor.
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Why is a White House press statement like sulfuric acid?

They're both baseless and corrosive.
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Why do scientists hate reacting the 1 mol concentration of a carboxyl acid and 1 mil concentration alkane?

They make 1 mol-ester!
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What's a pirate's favorite amino acid?

Aaaaaaaarrrrrginine....
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Why did the lead acid battery have to tell the truth?

Because if it didn't it would be Li-ion.
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I’ve been informed that jokes about acids are a waste of time.

They say that basic jokes have a higher potential.
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What do you call someone who only drinks kosher Hydrochloric Acid?

Acidic Jew
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What do you get when you combine an equally strong acid and base?

Net neutrality.
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Did you hear about the guy who is accused of attacking people with acid?

I think that these accusations are baseless.
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