My chemistry teacher asked me what's an acid + base.

A good party wasn't the correct answer, apparently.

I once knew a guy who drank battery acid

The police charged him

A man was arrested last night for drinking battery acid...

He was later charged.

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They say acid is a gateway drug..

But good luck getting to the fridge when there's a fucking dragon guarding it!

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How did Karen survive the acid attack?

By being a basic bitch

Heard of the guy who fell into a tub of sulphuric acid ??

Yup he had an acid trip

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

I called the pharmacist and asked him if acetylsalicylic acid was the best remedy for a headache.

He says, "You mean aspirin?"

I go, “Yeah, that’s it, I can never remember that word."

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A lemon, a potato and a pea had a tough week at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

When I was at university I was told to write 1500 words on acid.

It all went well until the floor melted and my pen turned into a carrot

What do you call an acid with an attitude?

A - meano -acid

Police arrested two kids yesterday

one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

The teacher is so salty

Teacher: What is below 7 in the pH scale?
Student: Acids.
Teacher: Good. What is above 7?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Clearly you don't know the basic!

I was suffering from acidity, so my friend was helping me find ways to burp at will

Will did not appreciate it.

A man gets electrocuted after throwing someone in a pool of acid.

He got charged with battery.

When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...

He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.

Why does did the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base!

I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…

…but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant!

Throwing acid is wrong..

In some people's eyes.

Why does the military stockpile hydrochloric acid?

To neutralize their enemy's strongest bases.

My Mom said to stop drinking soda because it has acid in it.

I replied," Stop making such baseless accusations".

I’ve been informed that jokes about acids are a waste of time.

They say that basic jokes have a higher potential.

I just got sulphurous acid in my eyes but I'm not alarmed.

And I'm certainly not going to see a doctor.

what do Anti-vax kids and Acids have in common?

they don't go above 7

How many hits of acid do I need before I can change a light bulb?

Two. One to help me get the ladder and the other to distract all the spiders. Oh god - - there are SPIDERS everywhere!! And now they’re purple cows. With fangs. Only 8 more hours of blblblblblblblblbl.

What does a ghost take when he has acid reflux?

Phan-tums

My wife went into hospital last night after an acid attack, "Will I still be attractive?" She sobbed.

The doctor had a quick look, and said, "Sure, but you may have to have some facial reconstruction and wear a mask.... How does that sound to you?"

"Not good!" My wife replied, "The acid only hit me on my leg."

Did you hear about the professor who could tell the acidity or baseness of a solution by dipping his genitals into it?

He had a PH D

What do you call a serial killer on acid?

Jack the tripper

What did the acid say to the alkali?

All your base are belong to us.

What do you call a water foul on acid?

Peking duck.

I usually feed Tums to ants

Because it's like antacid to them.

Everyone knows part of the way toothpaste works is by equalizing the acidic substances in your mouth.

I mean, it’s basic science.

Sodium Chloride and Sulphuric Acid were arrested.

They were taken in for assault and battery.

Three dealers get arrested and sent to jail ...

One of them sells cocaine, an other one sells acid and the last one sells weed.

Once they're alone, the coke dealer says "Ok, I've got a plan. I managed to keep a little bit of coke with me, so we're gonna snort a little line and then we'll be strong enough to break the wall and run away from...

I first didn't buy it when the girl next door told me there were acid attacks in our neighborhood.

Then I saw her face, ...

if apple had named battery acid

it would probably be called "apple juice"

What do you call someone who only drinks kosher Hydrochloric Acid?

Acidic Jew

Don't insert citric acid into your body without medical supervision

you could get LemonAIDS

I was on acid and I actually tasted colors.

Tasted a lot like paint.

What do you call two acids with an attitude?

An a-mean-o acid, but the sour-foul-ric acids are the worst.

Why do some people take formic acid to treat heartburn?

Because it is a type of ant-acid

What do you call a fish tripping on acid?

A *pHish!*

*;)*

What are Star Wars clone troopers muscles built of?

Kamino acids.

What do you call a person who took 30 grams of acid?

An ambulance.

A Group of Basic Girls Will Have a Higher Concentration of HOs.

However, a group of acidic girls will have a higher concentration of Hs.

One time, I took acid and saw all these lollipops coming out of the ground.

Then I chipped a tooth on a parking meter.

What sound does a fatty acid make when it sneezes?

"A-COOH!"

A friend asked me why some people don't like juice. I tell him it's probably because they're thinking of that cheap, acidic variety that's been destroyed by the concentration process

Apparently this opinion can get you banned from the local kosher supermarket

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What's the worst part about having a huge dick?

Stomach acid.

If you take acid at a track meet...

is it a field trip?

Why did the jar of weak acid go to the gym.

To become a buffer solution

An acid and a base walk into a bar

The police later arrested the two for a salt.

Did you hear about the guy who is accused of attacking people with acid?

I think that these accusations are baseless.

Why do people take acid at raves?

Because there's so much base.

What do you get when you combine an equally strong acid and base?

Net neutrality.

A chemistry lab is like a big party!

Some people drop acid while others drop the base

Some acids walked into the enemy base...

Threat Neutralized.

the importance of aim

so there were these twins who had grown up with a relatively religious christian upbringing. good kids, loved playing golf for fun. now, these twins tried acid in college and had super opposite reactions - one became atheistic and the other joined the clergy. however, as time passed they both still ...

Roses are red, violets are green..

If you were on acid, you would know what I mean.

Did you hear about the guy who's on trial for throwing acid at people?

The defense is claiming that it's a *base*less accusation.

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Deep into the woods there was bunny rabbit, hopping and prancing,

when he saw a monkey about to drop acid, so he yelled

"STOOOOOOOPPPPPPPP, THAT'S BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH COME JOIN ME HOP THRU THE FOREST".

So the monkey said fuck it, let's do it rabbit.

So the monkey and the bunny where prancing through the woods when all of a sudden, saw a giraff...

Why is a White House press statement like sulfuric acid?

They're both baseless and corrosive.

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My girlfriend doesn't want to drop acid with me.

She's acting like a basic bitch.

My friends are always tripping on acid

I don't understand why they can't just walk around it

A soldier looks at the sky and suddenly yells: "we gotta act fast, it's about to neutralize our base!". His commanding officer says: "What the hell are you talking about, we ain't even at war!?"

The soldier replies: "Acid rain".

What do you call a couple of amino acids hanging out?

Residudes

Why did the lead acid battery have to tell the truth?

Because if it didn't it would be Li-ion.

What do you get when you mix acid with bass?

The 90s

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Three pregnant women...

Are sitting in the OBGYN office knitting baby sweaters.

The first woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a small pill. She states "this is folic acid, it's an important vitamin for development of my baby," then resumes her knitting.

The second woman reaches into her purse, pulls ou...

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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

I'll never forget my dog's last words

"You've taken too much acid."

Why did the acid perform poorly?

Because it didn't concentrate.

There was a maniac in town earlier today threatening to splash passersby with acid.

Thankfully, police managed to neutralise him.

Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?

Really good acid

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