I've heard rumors acid is dangerous.

Pretty sure they are baseless though.

What happens when you mix Birth Control and Acid?

A trip without the kids

For my chemistry homework, I was supposed to write a thousand words on acid.

I tried, but my pen turned into a rainbow-coloured giraffe and then the desk melted.

A man was arrested last night for drinking battery acid.

Later he was charged.

Q: How do you know if someone is on acid?

A: Don't worry, they'll tell you.

I had really bad acid reflux

So I went to the doctor and it was not a big deal but they were able to find early onset cancer. Thank GERD they were able to catch it before it got much worse!

What do you call an acid with an attitude?

Amino acid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big...

My chemistry teacher asked me what's an acid + base.

A good party wasn't the correct answer, apparently.

Why do scientists hate reacting the 1 mol concentration of a carboxyl acid and 1 mil concentration alkane?

They make 1 mol-ester!

What do heart burn chewables and formic acid have in common?

They're both ant acids.

A scientists asks people on the street whats the most acidic thing they own. One man answers its his phone. The scientist replies: “No, acidic does not mean dirty”

The man replies: “I know, my phone has a ph of one”

even though coffee is more acidic, all Starbucks coffee products have a pH of 14

Extremely basic

Someone told me that DNA stands for Deoxyribonucleic Acid

Does it not stand for National Dyslexic Association?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did Karen survive the acid attack?

By being a basic bitch

Why does the military stockpile hydrochloric acid?

To neutralize their enemy's strongest bases.

What did the man with bad acid reflux say?

Oh ma GERD

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”

“You mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist.

“That’s it! I can never remember that word.”

Who is the least acidic baseball player of all time?

Al Kaline.

Damn girl are you messenger ribonucleic acid?

Cuz you unzip my genes.

Humanity has colonized Venus and Mars. Venus is a pressure-cooker hellscape with an acidic atmosphere, and Mars has almost no atmosphere at all. In comparison, bad weather on Earth...

is such a first world problem.

What do you call it when a man in a suit takes some acid?

A business trip

What does a ghost take when they have acid reflux?

Phan-Tums

Here's one for all of you baseball and chemistry fans

Hall of Famer Al Kaline wore #6 throughout his career, which actually makes him slightly acidic.

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

What was the acid and sodium chloride charged with in court?

A salt and battery

TIL military personnel are less likely to get acid reflux

Probably because they all have to go through basic training.

Why would the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base.

Police arrested two men trespassing on grounds of the local town hall, after searching them the found battery acid and fire works.

They charged one, and let the other off.

My Mom said to stop drinking soda because it has acid in it.

I replied," Stop making such baseless accusations".

Throwing acid

Is bad in some people’s eyes

What is the most acidic soup?

Ph0

Heard of the guy who fell into a tub of sulphuric acid ??

Yup he had an acid trip

what do Anti-vax kids and Acids have in common?

they don't go above 7

How many hits of acid do I need before I can change a light bulb?

Two. One to help me get the ladder and the other to distract all the spiders. Oh god - - there are SPIDERS everywhere!! And now they’re purple cows. With fangs. Only 8 more hours of blblblblblblblblbl.

A blonde is walking past a pasture

Being curious about various farm animals and seeing a farmer nearby she asks him "How come those cows don't have horns? I thought cows have horns." Farmer, happy to explain the situation to polite woman nods and says "You see miss, we often remove horns from cows. That way they don't get into accide...

My wife went into hospital last night after an acid attack, "Will I still be attractive?" She sobbed.

The doctor had a quick look, and said, "Sure, but you may have to have some facial reconstruction and wear a mask.... How does that sound to you?"

"Not good!" My wife replied, "The acid only hit me on my leg."

I once knew a guy who drank battery acid

The police charged him

Did you hear about the professor who could tell the acidity or baseness of a solution by dipping his genitals into it?

He had a PH D

My aunt always helps whenever I have an upset stomach.

My Aunt Acid

What happens when water takes acid?

It gets high-dronium

I was on acid and I actually tasted colors.

Tasted a lot like paint.

I take LSD every time I go to a dubstep concert, but it always wears off.

I think it’s because the bass neutralizes the acid

What do you call a serial killer on acid?

Jack the tripper

I’ve been informed that jokes about acids are a waste of time.

They say that basic jokes have a higher potential.

I just got sulphurous acid in my eyes but I'm not alarmed.

And I'm certainly not going to see a doctor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say acid is a gateway drug..

But good luck getting to the fridge when there's a fucking dragon guarding it!

What do you call a 10-strip of LSD with an attitude problem?

A mean-o acid.

I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…

…but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant!

Everyone knows part of the way toothpaste works is by equalizing the acidic substances in your mouth.

I mean, it’s basic science.

I was suffering from acidity, so my friend was helping me find ways to burp at will

Will did not appreciate it.

What do you call a fish tripping on acid?

A *pHish!*

*;)*

Why do people take acid at raves?

Because there's so much base.

What did the chemist say when his wife bought him concentrated sulfuric acid for his birthday?

"Wow. 18 molar. This means a lot to me."

Some acids walked into the enemy base...

Threat Neutralized.

if apple had named battery acid

it would probably be called "apple juice"

A friend asked me why some people don't like juice. I tell him it's probably because they're thinking of that cheap, acidic variety that's been destroyed by the concentration process

Apparently this opinion can get you banned from the local kosher supermarket

Why do some people take formic acid to treat heartburn?

Because it is a type of ant-acid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a person is sexually attracted to acidic bark?

A peat fetish.

An acid and a base walk into a bar

The police later arrested the two for a salt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend doesn't want to drop acid with me.

She's acting like a basic bitch.

What is the acid of the periodic table?

IO4

What do you get when you combine an equally strong acid and base?

Net neutrality.

"What's HCl?"

"uhhhh I can't remember. It's on the tip of my tongue!"

"SPIT IT OUT! It's Hydrochloric Acid!"

I made fun of my mate when his acid reflux caused him to vomit...

It was a sick burn.

One time, I took acid and saw all these lollipops coming out of the ground.

Then I chipped a tooth on a parking meter.

Why is a White House press statement like sulfuric acid?

They're both baseless and corrosive.

What sound does a fatty acid make when it sneezes?

"A-COOH!"

What do you call someone who only drinks kosher Hydrochloric Acid?

Acidic Jew

Did you hear about the guy who is accused of attacking people with acid?

I think that these accusations are baseless.

Did you hear about the guy who's on trial for throwing acid at people?

The defense is claiming that it's a *base*less accusation.

If you take acid at a track meet...

is it a field trip?

A chemist walks into a pharmacy...

With a pained expression the chemist asks the pharmacist for some acetylsalicylic acid.

The pharmacist looks confused as he asks, "You mean aspirin?"

The chemist, still in pain replies with exasperation, "Yes! I can never remember that word." (Credit to Mr. Wilgus, my high school chemi...

My cousin always introduces himself as "Stephen with a P-H"

It's because he's slightly acidic

When life gives you...

...High Fructose Corn Syrup, Citric Acid, Ascorbic Acid, Maltodextrin, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Magnesium Oxide, Calcium Furmarate, Yellow #5, Tocopherol and less than 2% natural flavors...

...Make lemonade.

A scientist built a robot but unbeknownst to him, the battery was damaged.

The only way to fix the battery was to sprinkle it with sodium chloride. Some chemical reaction with the combination of battery acid and sodium chloride caused the robot to act highly irrationally and attack the scientist, at which point the robot had to be detained by police.

The robot was c...

Why did the jar of weak acid go to the gym.

To become a buffer solution

Why did the lead acid battery have to tell the truth?

Because if it didn't it would be Li-ion.

What do you call a tab of acid hidden in your phone?

The LSD card

*edit: parenthesis

Why did the acid perform poorly?

Because it didn't concentrate.

My friends are always tripping on acid

I don't understand why they can't just walk around it

So this city blonde goes to a barn

She asks the farmer: “Excuse me, why does that cow have no horns?”.

The farmer, being quite the expert on the matter, explained to her with great detail:

“Well m’am, there’s many reasons why some cows don’t have horns. Some breeds don’t have horns. For example: Angus cows don’t have ...

What do you call a couple of amino acids hanging out?

Residudes

There was a maniac in town earlier today threatening to splash passersby with acid.

Thankfully, police managed to neutralise him.

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