UPJOKE
sulfuric acidacidiccitric acidphchlorideprotonformic acidbasehydroxidechlorinesulphurousmoleculeionaminebicarbonate

what do you call a acid with an attitude?

amino acid

For my chemistry homework, I was supposed to write a thousand words on acid.

I tried, but my pen turned into a rainbow-coloured giraffe and then the desk melted.

I just dropped my biro into a vat of acid. Do you know what happens when you drop a biro into a vat of acid?

Well, it de-pens.

I went to a science seminar and they announced they'd developed an acid that ate through everything.

I asked them what they kept it in.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one – and let the other one off.

(thought of this during science class) A DJ conducts a science experiment with acids during his concert

Unfortunately, it all went wrong when he dropped the base

Coffee is acidic. Until you add pumpkin and spices...

Then it becomes basic.

I've heard rumors acid is dangerous.

Pretty sure they are baseless though.

I want to go to Utah so I can do acid with Mormons in a best buy looking for graphics cards

I'll call it my LSDLDSDLSS adventure

I have a friend who can’t seem to get her life together. I blame it on her citric acid allergy.

Every time life hands her lemons, she goes into anaphylactic shock.

My chemistry teacher told me I had to write a 1,000 word essay on acid.

Unfortunately, my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

NEVER, EVER, drop acid

Always take it, pass/fail

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to dump my girlfriend in hydrochloric acid...

But that basic bitch neutralized the situation.

I did some acid before I took my vision exam.

It went great, I passed with flying colors.

Q: How do you know if someone is on acid?

A: Don't worry, they'll tell you.

I had really bad acid reflux

So I went to the doctor and it was not a big deal but they were able to find early onset cancer. Thank GERD they were able to catch it before it got much worse!

What happens when you mix Birth Control and Acid?

A trip without the kids

Why would the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base.

A scientists asks people on the street whats the most acidic thing they own. One man answers its his phone. The scientist replies: “No, acidic does not mean dirty”

The man replies: “I know, my phone has a ph of one”

What do heart burn chewables and formic acid have in common?

They're both ant acids.

Someone told me that DNA stands for Deoxyribonucleic Acid

Does it not stand for National Dyslexic Association?

even though coffee is more acidic, all Starbucks coffee products have a pH of 14

Extremely basic

My Mom said to stop drinking soda because it has acid in it.

I replied," Stop making such baseless accusations".

Why does the military stockpile hydrochloric acid?

To neutralize their enemy's strongest bases.

My chemistry teacher asked me what's an acid + base.

A good party wasn't the correct answer, apparently.

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”

“You mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist.

“That’s it! I can never remember that word.”

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

Damn girl are you messenger ribonucleic acid?

Cuz you unzip my genes.

Why do scientists hate reacting the 1 mol concentration of a carboxyl acid and 1 mil concentration alkane?

They make 1 mol-ester!

Who is the least acidic baseball player of all time?

Al Kaline.

Humanity has colonized Venus and Mars. Venus is a pressure-cooker hellscape with an acidic atmosphere, and Mars has almost no atmosphere at all. In comparison, bad weather on Earth...

is such a first world problem.

TIL military personnel are less likely to get acid reflux

Probably because they all have to go through basic training.

My wife went into hospital last night after an acid attack, "Will I still be attractive?" She sobbed.

The doctor had a quick look, and said, "Sure, but you may have to have some facial reconstruction and wear a mask.... How does that sound to you?"

"Not good!" My wife replied, "The acid only hit me on my leg."

What did the man with bad acid reflux say?

Oh ma GERD

What do you call it when a man in a suit takes some acid?

A business trip

What does a ghost take when they have acid reflux?

Phan-Tums

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! Then he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed.

The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running thr...

Throwing acid

Is bad in some people’s eyes

Did you hear about the professor who could tell the acidity or baseness of a solution by dipping his genitals into it?

He had a PH D

What was the acid and sodium chloride charged with in court?

A salt and battery

Police arrested two men trespassing on grounds of the local town hall, after searching them the found battery acid and fire works.

They charged one, and let the other off.

I was on acid and I actually tasted colors.

Tasted a lot like paint.

Heard of the guy who fell into a tub of sulphuric acid ??

Yup he had an acid trip

what do Anti-vax kids and Acids have in common?

they don't go above 7

How many hits of acid do I need before I can change a light bulb?

Two. One to help me get the ladder and the other to distract all the spiders. Oh god - - there are SPIDERS everywhere!! And now they’re purple cows. With fangs. Only 8 more hours of blblblblblblblblbl.

What is the most acidic soup?

Ph0

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big...

What do you call a fish tripping on acid?

A *pHish!*

*;)*

I just got sulphurous acid in my eyes but I'm not alarmed.

And I'm certainly not going to see a doctor.

What do you call a serial killer on acid?

Jack the tripper

I’ve been informed that jokes about acids are a waste of time.

They say that basic jokes have a higher potential.

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They say acid is a gateway drug..

But good luck getting to the fridge when there's a fucking dragon guarding it!

Why do people take acid at raves?

Because there's so much base.

Some acids walked into the enemy base...

Threat Neutralized.

Everyone knows part of the way toothpaste works is by equalizing the acidic substances in your mouth.

I mean, it’s basic science.

I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…

…but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant!

What do you call a water foul on acid?

Peking duck.

I was suffering from acidity, so my friend was helping me find ways to burp at will

Will did not appreciate it.

An acid and a base walk into a bar

The police later arrested the two for a salt.

What did the chemist say when his wife bought him concentrated sulfuric acid for his birthday?

"Wow. 18 molar. This means a lot to me."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a person is sexually attracted to acidic bark?

A peat fetish.

Why is a White House press statement like sulfuric acid?

They're both baseless and corrosive.

A friend asked me why some people don't like juice. I tell him it's probably because they're thinking of that cheap, acidic variety that's been destroyed by the concentration process

Apparently this opinion can get you banned from the local kosher supermarket

Why do some people take formic acid to treat heartburn?

Because it is a type of ant-acid

What do you get when you combine an equally strong acid and base?

Net neutrality.

Why did the lead acid battery have to tell the truth?

Because if it didn't it would be Li-ion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man discovers he has been in a cult for the last year. OC

“How did you not know?” Asks his friend

“Well when everything happens bit by bit it all makes sense, the drugs, the robberies, the shrines.” He replies

“But what about the murder?” Asks the friend

“Well we were so high on acid that it just made sense, he was the King in Yellow t...

Did you hear about the guy who is accused of attacking people with acid?

I think that these accusations are baseless.

What is the acid of the periodic table?

IO4

If you take acid at a track meet...

is it a field trip?

One time, I took acid and saw all these lollipops coming out of the ground.

Then I chipped a tooth on a parking meter.

What sound does a fatty acid make when it sneezes?

"A-COOH!"

Why did the acid perform poorly?

Because it didn't concentrate.

What do you call someone who only drinks kosher Hydrochloric Acid?

Acidic Jew

Did you hear about the guy who's on trial for throwing acid at people?

The defense is claiming that it's a *base*less accusation.

Why did the jar of weak acid go to the gym.

To become a buffer solution

Here's one for all of you baseball and chemistry fans

Hall of Famer Al Kaline wore #6 throughout his career, which actually makes him slightly acidic.

My friends are always tripping on acid

I don't understand why they can't just walk around it

There was a maniac in town earlier today threatening to splash passersby with acid.

Thankfully, police managed to neutralise him.

What do you call a couple of amino acids hanging out?

Residudes

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