For my chemistry homework, I was supposed to write a thousand words on acid.

I tried, but my pen turned into a rainbow-coloured giraffe and then the desk melted.

A man was arrested last night for drinking battery acid.

Later he was charged.

Damn girl are you messenger ribonucleic acid?

Cuz you unzip my genes.

What does a ghost take when they have acid reflux?

Phan-Tums

even though coffee is more acidic, all Starbucks coffee products have a pH of 14

Extremely basic

Throwing acid

Is bad in some people’s eyes

Someone told me that DNA stands for Deoxyribonucleic Acid

Does it not stand for National Dyslexic Association?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did Karen survive the acid attack?

By being a basic bitch

A scientists asks people on the street whats the most acidic thing they own. One man answers its his phone. The scientist replies: “No, acidic does not mean dirty”

The man replies: “I know, my phone has a ph of one”

What was the acid and sodium chloride charged with in court?

A salt and battery

What happens when you mix acid and bass?

Dubstep

TIL military personnel are less likely to get acid reflux

Probably because they all have to go through basic training.

Police arrested two men trespassing on grounds of the local town hall, after searching them the found battery acid and fire works.

They charged one, and let the other off.

My chemistry teacher asked me what's an acid + base.

A good party wasn't the correct answer, apparently.

What do you call an acid with an attitude?

A - meano -acid

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

Heard of the guy who fell into a tub of sulphuric acid ??

Yup he had an acid trip

Rusted braces...

A man returned for the third time to the dentist to get his dental braces replaced due to corrosion.

The dentist asked if he ate a highly acid diet, or was fond of citrus, etc.

The man replied that his wife made an excellent hollandaise sauce that was so good he put it on just about ev...

My doctor told me I have modeled skin.

I said model, really? I always thought it looked like concrete that sat in acid rain for 20 years. He said no, m-o-t-t-l-e-d, and it’s a severe case. I said severe huh? I guess that makes me a super mottle.

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Jill: Hey Jack, what are you eating?

**Jack**: I'm eating raisins.

**Jill**: It's raisin'!

**Jack**: Yeah, that's what I just said. I'm eating raisins.

**Jill**: No, Jack, look down. Your penis is raising.



***Background knowledge****: raisins contain an amino acid called arginine which is known to he...

My Mom said to stop drinking soda because it has acid in it.

I replied," Stop making such baseless accusations".

What is the most acidic soup?

Ph0

I once knew a guy who drank battery acid

The police charged him

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say acid is a gateway drug..

But good luck getting to the fridge when there's a fucking dragon guarding it!

Remember to NEVER taste-test liquid samples on the job!

Anyways, thank you for listening for my story on how I lost my job at the hydrochloric acid processing plant.

Five academics are locked in a room.

A chemist, biologist, engineer, pure mathematician, and business PhD are locked in a room, and each given a locked box with a key to the outside world in it, and told to figure out how to open it.

The chemist pours a powerful acid on it, dissolving it open. The engineer calculates the exact a...

So this city blonde goes to a barn

She asks the farmer: “Excuse me, why does that cow have no horns?”.

The farmer, being quite the expert on the matter, explained to her with great detail:

“Well m’am, there’s many reasons why some cows don’t have horns. Some breeds don’t have horns. For example: Angus cows don’t have ...

Why would the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base.

I called the pharmacist and asked him if acetylsalicylic acid was the best remedy for a headache.

He says, "You mean aspirin?"

I go, “Yeah, that’s it, I can never remember that word."

When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...

He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.

Why does the military stockpile hydrochloric acid?

To neutralize their enemy's strongest bases.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to hell...

He is standing there terrified when the devil shows up.

“Don’t be so scared” says the devil. “Hell isnt all that bad. Here I’ll give you an example. Do you like gambling?”

“Sure” says the man.

“Well Monday is casino day in hell” says the devil. “We have all the games and you can...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many roosters does it take to fertilize an egg?

A cock-er-two'll-do!

Just heard this for the first time. And while on acid I laughed for two hours at this joke so I had to post it here

Did you hear about the professor who could tell the acidity or baseness of a solution by dipping his genitals into it?

He had a PH D

I was suffering from acidity, so my friend was helping me find ways to burp at will

Will did not appreciate it.

what do Anti-vax kids and Acids have in common?

they don't go above 7

I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…

…but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant!

What do you call a serial killer on acid?

Jack the tripper

Tried to spike my pumpkin spice latte with LSD and it exploded

That’s what happens when you mix acid and basic

This cop had just finished his shift one cold July evening and was sitting at home next to his wife.

"You won't believe what happened this evening, Hallie. In all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."
"Really?" She says. "Tell me what happened."
"Man, I came across these two dudes down by the river. One of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating firew...

How many hits of acid do I need before I can change a light bulb?

Two. One to help me get the ladder and the other to distract all the spiders. Oh god - - there are SPIDERS everywhere!! And now they’re purple cows. With fangs. Only 8 more hours of blblblblblblblblbl.

I just got sulphurous acid in my eyes but I'm not alarmed.

And I'm certainly not going to see a doctor.

I’ve been informed that jokes about acids are a waste of time.

They say that basic jokes have a higher potential.

A man gets electrocuted after throwing someone in a pool of acid.

He got charged with battery.

My wife went into hospital last night after an acid attack, "Will I still be attractive?" She sobbed.

The doctor had a quick look, and said, "Sure, but you may have to have some facial reconstruction and wear a mask.... How does that sound to you?"

"Not good!" My wife replied, "The acid only hit me on my leg."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You're god damn right I'm xenophobic!

They're always causing problems, they kill people indiscriminately and I don't know what's worse, the acid blood or their little mouth in a mouth thing. Xenomorphs can just dick right off, and I'd bet they don't pay their taxes.


Sorry this joke has been in my head for like 3 days.

Everyone knows part of the way toothpaste works is by equalizing the acidic substances in your mouth.

I mean, it’s basic science.

I was on acid and I actually tasted colors.

Tasted a lot like paint.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johhny was playing with a bottle in the street

when a priest happend to be walking by and said "what are you doing there sonny"
he said, "im playing with this bottle of sulphuric acid"
The priest, shocked said "don't you realise thats very dangerous!? Here, look. I'll trade you this bottle of Holy water.
Little Johnny said "oh, no way"...

I first didn't buy it when the girl next door told me there were acid attacks in our neighborhood.

Then I saw her face, ...

What do you call a water foul on acid?

Peking duck.

What do you call a person who took 30 grams of acid?

An ambulance.

What do you call a fish tripping on acid?

A *pHish!*

*;)*

if apple had named battery acid

it would probably be called "apple juice"

A friend asked me why some people don't like juice. I tell him it's probably because they're thinking of that cheap, acidic variety that's been destroyed by the concentration process

Apparently this opinion can get you banned from the local kosher supermarket

What do you call someone who only drinks kosher Hydrochloric Acid?

Acidic Jew

What do you call two acids with an attitude?

An a-mean-o acid, but the sour-foul-ric acids are the worst.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

Some acids walked into the enemy base...

Threat Neutralized.

Why do people take acid at raves?

Because there's so much base.

Why did the hippie driver refuse heartburn medication?

Because anti-acid would ruin the trip

Why do some people take formic acid to treat heartburn?

Because it is a type of ant-acid

One time, I took acid and saw all these lollipops coming out of the ground.

Then I chipped a tooth on a parking meter.

What sound does a fatty acid make when it sneezes?

"A-COOH!"

What do you call a Spanish protein going on a walk?

A camino acid

An acid and a base walk into a bar

The police later arrested the two for a salt.

What do you call a Jewish person that eats lemons?

An Acidic Jew

What do you get when you combine an equally strong acid and base?

Net neutrality.

Did you hear about the guy who is accused of attacking people with acid?

I think that these accusations are baseless.

Why did the jar of weak acid go to the gym.

To become a buffer solution

If you take acid at a track meet...

is it a field trip?

The teacher is so salty

Teacher: What is below 7 in the pH scale?
Student: Acids.
Teacher: Good. What is above 7?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Clearly you don't know the basic!

Did you hear about the guy who's on trial for throwing acid at people?

The defense is claiming that it's a *base*less accusation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend doesn't want to drop acid with me.

She's acting like a basic bitch.

Why is a White House press statement like sulfuric acid?

They're both baseless and corrosive.

Why did the lead acid battery have to tell the truth?

Because if it didn't it would be Li-ion.

What do you call a couple of amino acids hanging out?

Residudes

I usually feed Tums to ants

Because it's like antacid to them.

My friends are always tripping on acid

I don't understand why they can't just walk around it

What do alka seltzer and formic acid have in common?

They are both ant acids.

Why did the acid perform poorly?

Because it didn't concentrate.

There was a maniac in town earlier today threatening to splash passersby with acid.

Thankfully, police managed to neutralise him.

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