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How did Karen survive the acid attack?

By being a basic bitch

What happens when you mix acid and bass?

Dubstep

TIL military personnel are less likely to get acid reflux

Probably because they all have to go through basic training.

Someone told me that DNA stands for Deoxyribonucleic Acid

Does it not stand for National Dyslexic Association?

My chemistry teacher asked me what's an acid + base.

A good party wasn't the correct answer, apparently.

What is the most acidic soup?

Ph0

Police arrested two men trespassing on grounds of the local town hall, after searching them the found battery acid and fire works.

They charged one, and let the other off.

A man was arrested last night for drinking battery acid

Later he was charged

What do you call an acid with an attitude?

A - meano -acid

Throwing acid is wrong...

...In some people's eyes

For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted

I once knew a guy who drank battery acid

The police charged him

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They say acid is a gateway drug..

But good luck getting to the fridge when there's a fucking dragon guarding it!

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

Heard of the guy who fell into a tub of sulphuric acid ??

Yup he had an acid trip

Tried to spike my pumpkin spice latte with LSD and it exploded

That’s what happens when you mix acid and basic

This cop had just finished his shift one cold July evening and was sitting at home next to his wife.

"You won't believe what happened this evening, Hallie. In all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."
"Really?" She says. "Tell me what happened."
"Man, I came across these two dudes down by the river. One of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating firew...

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A man dies and goes to hell...

He is standing there terrified when the devil shows up.

“Don’t be so scared” says the devil. “Hell isnt all that bad. Here I’ll give you an example. Do you like gambling?”

“Sure” says the man.

“Well Monday is casino day in hell” says the devil. “We have all the games and you can...

I called the pharmacist and asked him if acetylsalicylic acid was the best remedy for a headache.

He says, "You mean aspirin?"

I go, “Yeah, that’s it, I can never remember that word."

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Little Johhny was playing with a bottle in the street

when a priest happend to be walking by and said "what are you doing there sonny"
he said, "im playing with this bottle of sulphuric acid"
The priest, shocked said "don't you realise thats very dangerous!? Here, look. I'll trade you this bottle of Holy water.
Little Johnny said "oh, no way"...

Why would the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base.

When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...

He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.

My Mom said to stop drinking soda because it has acid in it.

I replied," Stop making such baseless accusations".

I was suffering from acidity, so my friend was helping me find ways to burp at will

Will did not appreciate it.

I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…

…but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant!

what do Anti-vax kids and Acids have in common?

they don't go above 7

Did you hear about the professor who could tell the acidity or baseness of a solution by dipping his genitals into it?

He had a PH D

What do you call a serial killer on acid?

Jack the tripper

Why does the military stockpile hydrochloric acid?

To neutralize their enemy's strongest bases.

What does a ghost take when he has acid reflux?

Phan-tums

Why did the hippie driver refuse heartburn medication?

Because anti-acid would ruin the trip

What did the chemist say when his wife bought him concentrated sulfuric acid for his birthday?

"Wow. 18 molar. This means a lot to me."

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A lemon, a potato and a pea had a tough week at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

How many hits of acid do I need before I can change a light bulb?

Two. One to help me get the ladder and the other to distract all the spiders. Oh god - - there are SPIDERS everywhere!! And now they’re purple cows. With fangs. Only 8 more hours of blblblblblblblblbl.

I just got sulphurous acid in my eyes but I'm not alarmed.

And I'm certainly not going to see a doctor.

What do you call a Jewish person that eats lemons?

An Acidic Jew

Everyone knows part of the way toothpaste works is by equalizing the acidic substances in your mouth.

I mean, it’s basic science.

A man gets electrocuted after throwing someone in a pool of acid.

He got charged with battery.

I’ve been informed that jokes about acids are a waste of time.

They say that basic jokes have a higher potential.

My wife went into hospital last night after an acid attack, "Will I still be attractive?" She sobbed.

The doctor had a quick look, and said, "Sure, but you may have to have some facial reconstruction and wear a mask.... How does that sound to you?"

"Not good!" My wife replied, "The acid only hit me on my leg."

What did the acid say to the alkali?

All your base are belong to us.

The teacher is so salty

Teacher: What is below 7 in the pH scale?
Student: Acids.
Teacher: Good. What is above 7?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Clearly you don't know the basic!

What do you call a water foul on acid?

Peking duck.

Sodium Chloride and Sulphuric Acid were in jail

Turns out they were in for assault and battery

I was on acid and I actually tasted colors.

Tasted a lot like paint.

What do you call a fish tripping on acid?

A *pHish!*

*;)*

What do you call someone who only drinks kosher Hydrochloric Acid?

Acidic Jew

I first didn't buy it when the girl next door told me there were acid attacks in our neighborhood.

Then I saw her face, ...

if apple had named battery acid

it would probably be called "apple juice"

What do you call a person who took 30 grams of acid?

An ambulance.

Don't insert citric acid into your body without medical supervision

you could get LemonAIDS

What is the acid of the periodic table?

IO4

A friend asked me why some people don't like juice. I tell him it's probably because they're thinking of that cheap, acidic variety that's been destroyed by the concentration process

Apparently this opinion can get you banned from the local kosher supermarket

Why do some people take formic acid to treat heartburn?

Because it is a type of ant-acid

What sound does a fatty acid make when it sneezes?

"A-COOH!"

What do you call two acids with an attitude?

An a-mean-o acid, but the sour-foul-ric acids are the worst.

One time, I took acid and saw all these lollipops coming out of the ground.

Then I chipped a tooth on a parking meter.

Some acids walked into the enemy base...

Threat Neutralized.

Why do people take acid at raves?

Because there's so much base.

I usually feed Tums to ants

Because it's like antacid to them.

An acid and a base walk into a bar

The police later arrested the two for a salt.

Did you hear about the guy who is accused of attacking people with acid?

I think that these accusations are baseless.

If you take acid at a track meet...

is it a field trip?

What do you get when you combine an equally strong acid and base?

Net neutrality.

Why did the jar of weak acid go to the gym.

To become a buffer solution

Did you hear about the guy who's on trial for throwing acid at people?

The defense is claiming that it's a *base*less accusation.

Why is a White House press statement like sulfuric acid?

They're both baseless and corrosive.

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My girlfriend doesn't want to drop acid with me.

She's acting like a basic bitch.

Three dealers get arrested and sent to jail ...

One of them sells cocaine, an other one sells acid and the last one sells weed.

Once they're alone, the coke dealer says "Ok, I've got a plan. I managed to keep a little bit of coke with me, so we're gonna snort a little line and then we'll be strong enough to break the wall and run away from...

Why did the lead acid battery have to tell the truth?

Because if it didn't it would be Li-ion.

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What's the worst part about having a huge dick?

Stomach acid.

What do you call a couple of amino acids hanging out?

Residudes

What are Star Wars clone troopers muscles built of?

Kamino acids.

My friends are always tripping on acid

I don't understand why they can't just walk around it

Why did the acid perform poorly?

Because it didn't concentrate.

Roses are red, violets are green..

If you were on acid, you would know what I mean.

A Group of Basic Girls Will Have a Higher Concentration of HOs.

However, a group of acidic girls will have a higher concentration of Hs.

I'll never forget my dog's last words

"You've taken too much acid."

There was a maniac in town earlier today threatening to splash passersby with acid.

Thankfully, police managed to neutralise him.

A chemistry lab is like a big party!

Some people drop acid while others drop the base

A soldier looks at the sky and suddenly yells: "we gotta act fast, it's about to neutralize our base!". His commanding officer says: "What the hell are you talking about, we ain't even at war!?"

The soldier replies: "Acid rain".

Why do phish phans love acid?

Because it's all about pH

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