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Helped Jokes

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I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse".

Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realiz...

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Cigarette after sex helped me...

...to quit smoking

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If your uncle Jack helped you off a horse….

In return, would you help your uncle Jack off a horse?

I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself...

No 'fence.

Nun taken.

I helped my friend hide a dead body.

He said "Thanks."

I said "Don't mention it."

I saw a kid getting beaten up by 4 gang members, so I helped out.

He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.

I helped two Vietnamese brothers settle a dispute

It really was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation

I helped an old lady off the bus the other day...

Honestly, I don't know how she got up there.

Today I helped a little old lady with a walker across a busy street

And some of the other car drivers were so inspired they joined me in honking at her.

You probably already know that Alexander Graham Bell helped revolutionize telegram technology in the 1870s

But you probably didn't know that years earlier, Leah Amber Rex-Galland was already working to revolutionize anagram technology.

I helped make a joke but it won’t be ready for a few months.

I hope it’s a boy.

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Just helped a cop sweep up some broken glass.

That was my first brush with the law.

I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ‘’I could marry you!’’, I couldn’t believe it

You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return!

Gambling has really helped me get back on my feet

Because I lost my car in poker last night.

In class, a teacher asked her students what was something good that they did today

The first kid says "I gave money to a homeless man"

The second kid says "I helped my mom with the chores"

The third kid says "I helped an old lady cross the street"

The teacher was very impressed and had high hopes for the fourth kid

The fourth kid then says "I prevented ...

Thanks to the person who helped me translate 'mucho' earlier!

It means a lot.

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I’ve helped make men’s dicks hard.

No, I’m not hot, I just donate a lot of blood.

My dad helped me fix my computer today

He told me the error code was “One D Ten T”. I didn’t understand what he meant until he told me to write it out.

Still don’t get it tho.

I helped my neighbours install clappers

There must be something wrong with them because they were flickering on and off all night

Louis CK helped me change a flat tire.

All I had to do was watch him jack it.

I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore...

They were real nice. Car started right up, and they even helped me with directions back to the interstate.

Huge shoutout to everyone who helped me learn the definition of ‘many’.

It means a lot!

I just helped my neighbor bury a rolled up carpet in the woods.

Her boyfriend would've helped, but he's out of town.

Patient: Doctor, these therapy sessions haven't really helped me.

Psychiatrist: You've just recently started, you have to give it time. So far you've only come here for a total of 8 or 9 hundred dollars.

My woman is like my socks...

My mother helped me find her!

What did the landscaper say after I helped them up from falling?

Grassy ass

My psychiatrist really helped me a lot.

I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid.

Now I answer it whether it rings or not.

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A friend of mine was killed last night. I came here for some relief from the grief and you all helped me so I thought I'd share my favorite joke.

It's important that you use a southern accent in your mind ;)



Jim Bob and John Boy were sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow. On the road at the edge of their property they see a Volkswagen sputter to a stop. They head out to it and see a pretty woman looking at the e...

I misplaced something at the office. A nice man in a turban helped me locate it. I guess it's true what they say.

Sikh and you shall find.

(edit: same man teased me about the pronunciation. It was good natured, but it was still a Sikh burn)

(also a comma)

A baby helped me out the other day...

I asked him, "How do I find other songs by the singer of 'Bad Romance'?"

He replied: "Google Gaga"

Just helped a girl give birth...

OP delivered.

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I helped my friend Richard move into his new home,

It was a total Dick move.

Exercise has helped with my depression immensely.

My wife started jogging a few months ago, and I feel far better about being seen with her.

I helped a kid with cancer one time

He wanted me to unplug his life support machine

A doctor has just helped deliver a baby.

As soon as the baby is in his arms, the baby looks him in the eyes and clearly says, "Are you my daddy?" Stunned by this, the doctor answers, "No, I'm not!"

In amazement, the doctor holds the baby up for the nurse to see whereupon the baby asks the nurse, "Are you my daddy?" Wide-eyed, the nu...

I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...

...but he really knew how to make an entrance.

My mother just helped me overcome my bulimia.

She threw open the bathroom door and yelled, "Keep it down!"

My friend helped me move and dropped 20% of my couch on his foot

Ouch

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

I helped lead a blind man into our local supermarket today.

I mean we were aiming for the car park but I'm a driving instructor, not a miracle worker.

My computer was really laggy until someone helped me update my software

Turns out it was the bus driver

You know who helped found PayPal?

E-Loan Musk

Told my Grandpa’s favorite joke at his funeral and it helped cheer some sad eyes..... What happened when the parsley workers went on strike?

Their wages were garnished.

I helped my friend hang a chandelier in his mansion this morning

It was the high light of my day

Where would you park your camel?

The Camelot.

PS Booze helped with this and now I'm laughing alone in my apartment

Mary comes home after tending to the garden….

Joseph has a warm pie on the table. He cuts Mary a peice of pie and she is thrilled by how amazing it tastes. So she asks Joseph, “Where did you get this pie from?”

Joseph tells Mary “I baked it!”

“Baked it?” Says Mary.

“Yes, right here in our home from scratch!” Says Joseph....

I helped my wife design her marijuana costume for the fancy dress party.

It was a joint effort.

Ruth left our tean, she was sad to go but I helped cheer her up

I told her to look on the bright side... Without her we were gonna play even better than ever before! She asked why... Because without Ruth, our team would be Ruthless!

A woman was telling her friend , "I helped my husband become a millionaire."

"And what was he before you married him?"

"A billionaire."

People keep asking me if I was one of those who helped elect a living booger.

And I keep telling them, he wasn't my pick.

I just helped a poor old lady up off the floor after she had slipped in the rain.

Well, I presume she's poor, she only had £2.57 in her purse.

You may laugh but this cheap hairpiece from Walmart has really helped my self-confidence.

It was a small price toupee.

As I helped my friend with some speaker equipment, he asked "Will this make a sound if I unplug it?" I smiled as a wave of nostalgia hit me square in the heart. "What's up?" my friend asked, noticing my change in demeanor.

"That's the last thing I said to my grandma."

I helped deliver a baby

baby liver is delicious

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Did you hear about the NAZI who helped the old woman cross the street?

Me neither, theyre all dicks

There once was a scientist who helped produce many fantastic and otherworldly varieties of sodapop.

Sadly, he was only paid a flat rate, as he had no degree in fizzics.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Proof-reading is vital - for example, you may accidentally type "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse."

When in reality, all you did was sit and watch.

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