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Jack suffered from terrible unrelenting migraines. He'd been to all kind of doctors with no avail.

Finally, he consulted a very controversial migraine specialist.

Doctor: "I know what you're feeling. It's a throbbing sensation in your temples that just doesn't quit. I used to suffer from such headaches too. The best thing for this is oral sex.!!
I would go down on my wife and as she org...

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down. The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a hotel. It only has one room available.

The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed." "I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.

Ten minutes pass, and the nun...

My dentist was kind enough to ask me what time I was available for the next appointment.

I just told him tooth hurty.

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Apparently 'Viagra' is now available in powder form specially for tea. Well, it's not for enhancing your sexual libido.................

............... But it won't let your dipped biscuit 'Go Soft'

Two nuns are driving through Transylvania when suddenly, out of nowhere, a vampire jumps on their windshield

The nuns panic and the one driving starts swerving the car to try knock him off, to no avail.

"Quick! Quick! Show him your cross! Show him your cross!", shouts the one nun.

The other nun looks at the vampire and shouts:

"Get the f\*\*k off the windshield!!"

She’s from Minsk

A small, tight knit, Russian village buys their milk from the neighboring town. Eventually they realize they should pool their resources and buy a cow for the town.

They all gather their money, some put more, some less, whatever they can afford. Now they have 800 roubles, but to buy a cow fr...

My parents got me the cheapest circumcision available

It was a rip off

Once upon a time there was a poor Indian farmer who was trying to grow chickens...

Once upon a time there was a poor Indian farmer who was trying to grow chickens. The fellow planted eggs and watered them day after day but all to no avail. So the farmer went to the government office to complain. After meeting with one Indian bureaucrat and telling his story he was advised that not...

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There are literally no available toilets in Motown.

Can’t have shit in Detroit.

Geoffrey, a middle aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and ...

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An old man and his wife have gone to bed

After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"

After about...

What kind of doctor is always available on-call?

An oncologist.

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Store boy

In a Store a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter".
<...

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An English man, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all make plans to book into the same hotel but on 3 different nights

When the English man arrives at the hotel, the manager tells him that there is one room available, it already has a female guest, and there's only one double bed, the English man isn't bothered by this and walks up to his room, he opens the door and there's a woman lay on the bed...she opens her leg...

A doctor opens a clinic

A doctor opens a clinic and declares "I have the cure for everything, any cure available for 500rupees. If it doesn't work, I will give you back 1000 rupees"

A man sees the sign and decides to make quick money.

He goes inside the store and complains, "doctor doctor, I seem to have lost...

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A bear walks into a bar, and sees that there isn’t a single spot at the bar available

He walks up to a seat, eats the woman sitting there in a single bite, and sits down.

He orders a drink and the bartender shakes his head, “Sorry, we don’t serve bears on drugs.”

“I’m not on drugs,” the bear replies.

“Well, that was just a bar bitch you ate!”

A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try ...

Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell r...

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I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today…

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a man with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in lemon and vanilla scents!

I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a giant head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, hacked, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I threw a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail -- then I hurled a bag of carrots, but nothing would stop it! In the end...

I fought the slaw and the slaw won.

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you do...

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Two male friends decide to spend their holiday together

They don't have a lot of money so they decide to rent a small room for them both. Unfortunately the only one available has only one double bed.

After all they are close friends and know each other since pre-school. A couple of nights in the same bed is not a problem.

One night after pa...

Ronald finally landed a job as a school bus driver.

He was assigned a rural route on a long road called Sesame Street.

At the first stop, there were two very portly girls. “I’m Patty and this is my cousin Patty” one of the two girls announced as they made their way to the back of the bus.

At the next stop there was a tiny boy waiting....

I was offered a list of available escorts and my curiosity was taken by a girl named Jaws.

When I asked why she was called that I was told because her body was obviously fake and you could always hear her coming.

A man had a wish that he really wanted to come true.

He prayed to God for a week but He never answered his prayers. So the man traveled to the woods in hopes of asking the Devil instead.

At the woods, he found a hill with a naturally-formed pentagon of rocks. It was there where he invoked the Devil, and to his surprise, he came, looking like an...

the story of jimmy the dumb student

there once was a boy named jimmy who studied in an elementary school in a small town in oklahoma,

this kid was so stupid he didn't understand anything at all, no one liked him, his teacher ms. dorothy always yelled at him: "jimmy you're gonna give me a heart attack!"

one day his mom c...

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Charlie: "I just bought the most expensive, high-tech hearing aids available."

Eddie: "No shit! What kind is it?"
Charlie: "Quarter after nine."

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The baboon.

The zoo owner is becoming concerned because his star attraction, the baboon, is becoming more and more aggressive. He calls an old buddy of his from college, who happens a to have been a zoology major. The zoo owner explains what has been going on, and asks his friend if there is anything that can b...

Yo mama is like groceries during a pandemic...

...available for curbside pickup.

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NSFW

3 couples were traveling together when they decided to stop for the night. They found a hotel and once inside found out there Were only 2 rooms available each with 1 king bed. So they decided that the men will go to one Room and the women would go to the other.
In the middle of the night one of ...

The Priest & The Frog...

"One fine sunny morning, the Irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool."

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest."

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fi...

Peter got a job as a train conducter...

On the first day of his job, a random guy without a ticket got past him and on the train without being noticed. This was eventually caught on CCTV and Peter was warned by his boss.

Second day of his work, a group of refugees snuck on the train between carts without Peter noticing and one of t...

An Irish Whaler (Long)

There was once an Irish whaler. Like Ahab, he had a particular nemesis whom he had hunted most of his life. Old and gnarled, he declared one more quest to vanquish his foe before descending into his Mother Earth.

Unlike Ahab however, revenge was not his only motive. This particular whale a...

Sandpaper Sally

This guy he works on a oil rig 3 weeks on 3 off and he hates it because his wife left him. Well the man gets all depressed when he came home so he needed a pick me up so he went down to the bunny ranch to ya'know

So he walks into the ranch and sees this person at the front desk and he walks ...

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Wife and me checked into a motel recently...

On the counter was a promotional card... said 24/7 adult entertainment channel available in every room.

So I asked the desk clerk... can you make certain that the porno channel for our our room is disabled...?

She said: no - it's just regular porn, you sick bastard.

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A man's plane crashes in the desert...

he's got rations and water so he can survive for very long, but as time goes by he starts longing for sex, untill one day he notices a camel. He tries to have sex with the animal, but it runs away. So, the next day, the guy tries to make a trap, but the camel avoids it.

The man spends t...

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French Woman

The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"


The French w...

The Nuns robes

The Nun had tried ever so hard to change the colour of her old robes but to no avail. I guess old habits dye hard.

So the new blind emojis are finally available!

And here I thought they’d never see the light of day.

The Rusky and the Kraut

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (a...

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Old witch: “You won’t take the entry-level wizarding jobs that are available, you spend all your money on eye of newt and you think every little spell you cast deserves some kind of participation goblet.”

Ok Broomer.

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Where's The Manager?

John lives in a remote village. All the villagers are piss poor except for John. John's rich. One day, John decides to head to the city to buy a car. He wants to be the only one with a car his village.

Manager: This is the lastest and the most expensive car available in our shop.

Joh...

The advantages of breast milk

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper.

The question directed: 'Give four advantages of breast milk.' What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1...

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An engineer dies and goes to heaven...

The engineer found himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked him up in the book, and found that he was destined for the other place. The engineer protested that this must be a mistake, and that he had lived a righteous life, going to church every week, being faithful to his wife etc. to no avail...

A guy goes to the doctor needing blood for his disease, the doctor sadly tells him there is only one blood type available for him and they are all out. The patient, worried asks if he is going to survive. The doctor says he isn’t sure, the patient asks isn’t there anything I can do?

The doctor looks around the room then whispers, “you can steal b positive”

I just purchased a cook book, not available on Amazon

It teaches how to cook books.

A man buys a horse from an old pastor.

The pastor explains to the man that in order to make the horse go, he must say "Thank God," and to make him stop, he must say "Amen." The man nods in understanding.

He gets on the horse, readies himself, takes a deep breath, and says, "Thank God!"

Immediately, the horse takes off like ...

The Power of Words

A soldier in the trenches of WWI had lost his rifle in a previous battle. His sergeant ordered his troops to attack. He didn't move. The sargeant screamed at his soldier. The soldier said, "Sarge! I lost my rifle in the last battle." Sarge looks around and finds a wicker broom. He says, "Point this ...

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A man uses up all his savings to open up a bar.

But there are many bars in the city and he has trouble attracting customers. So he stays up during the nights, trying new recipes for cocktails. But nothing seems to work. He is dejected and contemplates closing down the bar and cutting his losses. One evening, he is rummaging though his garage and ...

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After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action. He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available.

As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happened." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off h...

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like t...

A vegan was flying to Germany and discovered the airline had forgotten his special meal. He had no choice but to eat the only meal available: sausage and cheese.

It was a Wurst-Käse scenario.

A black guy loses a middle finger in a work accident.

The surgeon tells him: "I'm sorry but I cannot attach your original finger due to the damage. However, I can attach one from a dead person. The thing is, I only have fingers from white people available."

The black guy says it's no problem, as long as he can use all fingers again.

Surge...

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Park Ranger

A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare
species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla
became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination,
the park veterinarian determined the problem: The gorilla was
in heat. To make matters worse, there...

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Japanese, Brit and Indian

A Japanese, a brit and an Indian were traveling by a private jet with their personal belongings. Due to low fuel they were asked to throw off some of their belongings mid air to reduce the weight. They all agreed to discard items which were in abundance in their country.

The Japanese threw h...

If I stay at someone's house and they don't have any bread available come breakfast time I will refuse to stay any longer

I'm lack toast intolerant

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

My father told me, "Work until your bank account look like a phone number."...

My available balance is $9.11.

A Guy Is fed up with his case of intestinal Worms

He decided its about time to have things checked out.


He goes and visits his local doctor, the doctor prescribes him medication.
He heads home and and struggles for weeks, to no avail.


He goes and visits a famous diagnostician, who tells him that the worms have grown f...

A girl buys a Parrot at a pet store

...unfortunately for her, the parrot is rude and foul mouthed. She tries everything to get the parrot to be more polite, but to no avail. One day, the girl has had enough and slams the parrot in the freezer, locking the door. Later, she hears frantic knocking and, feeling bad, decides to open the do...

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Pfizer Announcement

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives...

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they
decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but
they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road....

Dude is getting ready for prom night

He thinks to himself; "I'm gonna need to make this night perfect so I can get laid!".

He thinks about what he'll need. "I'll need a perfectly fitted tuxedo so I look good so I can get laid!" So he goes to the tailor and sees an incredibly long line. It's prom day so he's not the only one thin...

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Dear Tech Support...

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications,which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 then uninstalled many other val...

Buddha was walking down the road with his students...

Buddha was walking down the road with his students when he saw a hole in the road with an ox stuck inside and farmer trying to get the ox out, with no avail. Buddha nodded to his pupils and they helped the guy out quickly. They continued walking, when they saw another hole in the road with another o...

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A man recieves $500 for his birthday and decides to make a trip to his local brothel.

He walks inside the establishment and informs the madam that is is his birthday, so she offers him the birthday special. He hands over $250 and heads up the stairs entering the first room, to find a very attractive woman laying spread eagle on the bed.

Impressed by what the establishment has...

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I asked the librarian if the book about small penises is available

She said, "I dont think it's in." and I said, "Ya that's the one!"

Ferrari hires some new employees

On Tuesday, Ferrari handed over the final pay-outs to its entire depot team and hired a group of young unemployed Somali men living near a road known as the Mogadishu area of ​​Helsinki. Ferrari's management team made its decision after seeing a document showing how these young people from Helsinki...

Condoms are available in three sizes:

Small, medium, and liar.

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Sand paper sally

So a guy gets out of prison. He has been locked up about 15 years but the day has finally come and he is loving life.
He gets released and has the clothes on his back and give dollars to his name.
Above all else, before food, lodging, anything. This man wants some pussy.
So, he goes to a br...

Connor Mcgregor’s beer just came available at my local bar...

I hear it’s on tap.

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A man gets on the bus and the only seat available is up front next to a beautiful nun

He tries starting small talk but she isn't interested in the slightest, and a few stops later she gets off. The bus driver, having watched all this, feels sorry for the young man. "hey pal, don't sweat it. She gets on this bus every Tuesday to go to the market and every time there's a young guy like...

Smith was a man of cold facts, a scientist, a computer jock, and a confirmed atheist.

He became somewhat obsessed with the desire to prove the truth as he saw it. So he mortgaged his house and sold his car in order to put a down payment on the most powerful computer commercially available. Then Smith plugged it into every data bank in the world, accessed every library in the United S...

Coming in 2019: a new interactive Netflix experience that shows what happens to society when all crimes are legal, and the entire thing is available live streaming. The series you can't miss, it's...

Binging and Purging

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night.

When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. T...

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My sons school was having "career day". When he came home, he was complaining that there wasn't any information available in his fields of interest.

I said "what do you want to after high school?"

He replies "either be a pizza delivery man or a pool skimmer" ..........







I'm pretty sure the little shit found my porn stash.

It’s a shame coronavirus affects the infirm and elderly most

If it affected idiocy instead there’d be a lot more toilet paper available

the importance of aim

so there were these twins who had grown up with a relatively religious christian upbringing. good kids, loved playing golf for fun. now, these twins tried acid in college and had super opposite reactions - one became atheistic and the other joined the clergy. however, as time passed they both still ...

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One day the bishop is not available, so the priest is in charge of the confessions

First woman comes in and says: ''Father I have insulted my husband.''The priest replies: "that will be 20 hail mary's and all will be forgiven.''

Next a man confesses: ''Father I have hit my wife.''The priest say: "A very serieus affair, 50 hail mary's and an apology to your wife."

Las...

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A man is away from home and has his house robbed...

He returns to find many of his things missing, including his favorite, a sizeable globe. He's sad over this, and does all he can to get it back, hoping the police find the culprit, checking local globe listings on the globe market to see if anyone's posted the pilfered planet. All to no avail. But o...

City slicker rides a horse

A city slicker goes out to the country wanting to have a horse ride. He has no experience so asks for a well trained horse. He is given a horse with the following instructions: the make the horse walk say "phew", to make it run say "yeah" and to make it stop, say "stop". Sounding easy the man says...

COVID-19 - It’s in the game

If you think COVID-19 is bad, you’ll be terrified to hear that EA Sports have bought the rights to COVID-20.

Surviving, vaccine and toilet paper are chargeable DLC packs - with Pay-to-Live (PTL) packs available from Season 2 onwards.

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So a guy walks into an ice cream shop.

The owner walks up and asks the man what he would like.

“I’ll take a chocolate ice cream in a cone please.”

“Sorry, we’re actually out of chocolate. We only have vanilla and strawberry available,” replies the owner.

“Hmmm, well in that case I’ll take a scoop of chocolate in a cu...

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Three Guys Die and Get to go to Heaven (long)

So they're waiting for God to get to and judge/reward them. God finishes with others and gets to them. Standing before them, he says, "Alright. You three get to go to heaven. Here's what's gonna happen. You think carefully and tell me what you would really love for the rest of eternity. I will set a...

A father had a very rowdy son

He would never listen to his father, always disobeying rules, and being rebellious at every chance. The father often told the boy, "You should be more respectful of others", to no avail as his words fell on deaf ears. His pranks were, quite frankly, annoying to the neighbours, but what did the son c...

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A man with a 20 inch penis goes to the doctor

He says "Doc, 20 inches is way too much! I'm having trouble with my daily life, and no woman even dares to come near me! This thing has ruined my life! Is it possible to reduce it to something more manageable?"

"Surgery can't help," the doctor explains. "But while I can't recommend this offic...

A good looking man walked into a singles bar, bought a drink and settled down ready to use his best lines.

But for the next two hours every woman he approached gave him the brush-off. Then suddenly a really ugly guy walked in and within seconds he was surrounded by beautiful, available women. A few minutes later he sauntered out with a stunning brunette on each arm.

The handsome guy was thoroughly...

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A pregnant woman walks into a bank. and lines up at the first available teller.

Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor says, "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They're fine but each one has a bullet lodged in i...

Entry level position available!

3 years forklift experience required

5 years general labour required

Class 5 drivers license required

2 years kitchen experience required

4 years retail services required

2 years hospitality services required

4 years janitorial services required

3 yea...

A young man's truck breaks down in rural Georgia right next to a farm

After trying (and failing) to fix his truck, he decides to ask the farmer if he can spend the night at his house. The farmer reluctantly agrees, saying "The only room I have available is across from my 18 year old daughter's room. I don't want to see you trying anything." As the farmer leads the you...

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Dave’s driving along the highway one evening when all of a sudden nature calls.

He sees a little bar up the way and he pulls into the parking lot.



When he gets inside, he finds the place is packed! The bar is crowded with people trying to get drinks, ladies are dancing on the tables and there’s hardly standing room anywhere.

Banta scans the place a couple...

A young man is looking for a fast car.

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back $1.24M. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls ...

What’s the only drink size available in North Korea?

A supreme litre

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Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
...

People are often really surprised by the quality of tattoos available in Spain.

No one expects the Spanish ink precision.

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A lady complains to her best friend that she is not getting satisfied at home

\- "I even can't remember when was the last time we had it. I am losing my mind."

\- "My husband stopped having sex with me long time ago too. But I found a replacement"

\- "How? Tell me more about it."

\- "Well, whenever I feel like having it, I just call plumbers. By the time ...

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A young man is in need of a job,

And he looks through the classifieds to see what's available. He finds an ad from a farmer in need of some extra hands, so the man calls up the farmer and agrees to meet the next day to see what work he'd be doing.

The farmer greets him at the gate and begins to show the young man around. Fir...

A woman goes to the pet store to buy a parrot

(Long)

She walks in and the merchant shows her the only parrot they have available. "I must warn you" the merchant said, "this parrot was owned previously buy a sailor and has very foul language". Well the woman, like most of us, thought she could change the parrot so she takes the parrot hom...

Job interview

A company has a new role available so they start interviewing people. At some point one of the candidates is asked by the interviewers:
I: “Which is your biggest disadvantage?”
C: “I’m too honest.”
I: “Well, I think honesty it’s not really a disadvantage.”
C: “Well, I don’t rea...

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A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students:

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No...

Scientists have now made cybernetic limbs available to the public!

Unfortunately, they'll cost you an arm and a leg.

Four Pennies

A few years ago, I volunteered with a high school band, who had a performance at a local veteran's home. After the concert, we spent some time with the residents, listening to their stories.

One gentleman came up to me and asked if I wanted to hear a joke. I agreed.

He held out a han...

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

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Two blondes decided to go hiking up in the mountains...

Sure enough they got lost.One says to the other,"Well,pull out that field guide we bought and see what it is were suppose to do."So she fumbles through it.

"Ah.Here it is.It says were suppose to fire three shots in the air and that will let any one in the area know we are in distress and call...

A young woman, let's call her Emma...

... Loses her arms in a tragic bear accident. After healing, she decides to go get a job. The local church decides to find her some work she can do even without arms. She is hired as the new organ player.

Needless to say, her first day as an organ player goes poorly. She quits in shame.
...

In 1952 the New York Philharmonic was on a national tour...

...and on their way home from the west coast when their flight was grounded in Kansas due to bad weather.

It had been a long tour and tensions had been running high. A first violin player was a wreck from excessive alcohol consumption, the trumpet section engaged in much infighting due to com...

My wife went into labor last night and our assigned midwife was out sick. Our 2nd choice midwife was on vacation. The only one available to assist us was a damn intern.

We were having a midwife crisis!

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Where do you go for sex if you can't get a girl or pay for prostition?

The Catholic Church is always available for baptism

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A girl promised to have sex with me if I would advertise bathroom cleaner on r/jokes

I refused of course because my moral principles are extremely strong.

Just as strong as new Cif multi-action cleaner in the 750ml spray bottle, now available in Original, Lemon Fresh or Forest Pine!

Phone Provider: The next call representative will be available in 10-15

Flute Solos

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A man on a business trip in Spain decides to go to a bull fight.

After the event, he stops in to the little restaurant next to the venue called "The Matador". As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants, he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer.

The other customer starts eating what appear to be two large meatballs with great gusto. W...

My friend told me his autobiography was available at the library...

His story checks out.

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NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:

**NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:**

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a full Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider wheth...

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill... (an original joke)

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill, in a guerilla act of revenge for all of the family they'd lost over the years. They snuck up one night, and in their masses, surrounded the sleeping calf, and swam away, carrying him miles away from his father. ...

I'm like a classic Mercedes Benz...

I depreciate much more rapidly than what's available nowadays, and I become more expensive to fix with time.

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A successful bussinessman has a work trip coming up and hes worried that his beautiful girlfriend will cheat on him when he is gone

So he goes to the best sex shop in town and starts looking through the toys. He sees dildos but doesn't feel they'll do the trick. He sees vibrators but also doesnt feel safe, so he goes to the owner. He asks for the best sex toy available. The owner goes to the back of the shop and gets a wooden bo...

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First joke I've ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed

I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 20...

Two men are out hunting.

Suddenly, one of the pair keels over and falls on his face. His companion rolls him over and checks his pulse, to no avail. He whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
Hunter: “help help I think my friend is dead!
Operator: “alright sir help us on the way. In the meantime, I can h...

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette die and go to heaven...

There they are greeted by St. Peter who looks at them grimly.

"Unfortunately, heaven is quite full at the moment so you must all undergo a test to prove your worth. Before you all is the stairway to heaven totalling one thousand steps. On each step I will tell you a joke, they will get progre...

A journalist was tasked to interview the best costume maker in the world...

So the journalist asked for an appointment with the costume maker, and luckily, he accepted.

Now this costume maker might be famous, but no one but himself and a few people know his real name. His identity was shrouded in mystery. The name he goes by is Mr. D.D., which are his initials. The j...

Zoology Test

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology. So he joined in and after one week of study, a test was held. 

The professor passed out sheets of small
paper where in each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird'...

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A man has been getting progressively fatter and decides he needs to change.

He sees an advertisement that claims it'll help you lose 6 lbs in 3 days. With nothing to lose except 6 lbs he calls up the company and says hell give it a try. When he wakes up the next morning he hears a knock on the door and opens it to discover a topless brunette standing there. Smiling cheekish...

A woman visits her son at the uni he attends

A woman visits her son at the uni he attends, he invites her into his dorm and introduces her to his roommate. The mother instantly suspects that they are dating. So she asks her son Mother: “are you guys dating?” Son: “no mom, she’s just my roommate, we even have separate beds” The mother was st...

A man was going through the daily newspaper and suddenly decided that he wanted a dog...

He was going through the pets for sale section of the newspaper when he came across a cute brown puppy that he decided he was going to buy.
So he called the advertiser and asked regarding the dog :-

Man -"so I wanted to know if the brown puppy put up for sale is still available?"

A...

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