UPJOKE
improveamelioratebettermelioraterectifyreformmodifyrevisechangerepairremedyhelpupgradealterconstitution

Amend Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

Edit: Wow...so this is what it’s like to reach the front page... really underwhelming...

In all seriousness, while there are a bunch of corrupt politicians out there, DO call your congressman and DO participate in your local elections and pr...

Asked my bud what he'd do if the 1st Amendment was abolished.

He couldn't say

If U.S. taxpayers had to pay maternity leave....

The right to abortion would be the first amendment.

Second Amendment

The Second Amendment of the Constitution affords me the right to wear short sleeve shirts to work.

The right to bare arms.

Why did Wyoming grant women the right to vote nearly a century before the 19th Amendment?

It wasn’t hard to convince the 5 people who lived in Wyoming

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some amended Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dick...

Adding $20 to Trump’s latest stimulus amendment...

...would slightly lessen the sting of the number 2020.

2nd amendment

A young blonde discovers her boyfriend is cheating...

She buys a handgun.

The next day she finds him in bed with a redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The boyfriend jumps off the bed and starts pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically, the blo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It makes sense that the Right to Bear Arms is the 2nd amendment

If the 1st amendment is, “I should be able to say whatever the fuck I want”

Then it makes sense that the founding fathers said, “Oh ya, I should probably have a gun too”

If the 2nd Amendment were a religion, what kind of chairs would their churches have?

Pew pews.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I picked up this girl the other day.....

and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.
"Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor" .

Now it's at about this time I prob...

Roy Moore likes his women the same way he likes his constitutional amendments...

12 and Under

Many Saudi women are fans of the Second Amendment.

They would like a right to bare arms.

The 13th amendment makes it illegal to buy people as they aren’t property

Apparently, government officials don’t apply

What's the first amendment in Super Mario's constitution?

Freedom of Peach

Why do the republicans defend the 2nd amendment so hard?

They need it to shoot themselves in the foot.

I can't believe girls at school can't wear tank tops, it's totally violates the second amendment.

Don't they have a right to bare arms?

Pretty sure Betsy DeVos said the grizzly metaphor because the 2nd amendment says,

The right to bear arms.

A radio shock jock calls a prominent socialite a pig on his radio show and is sued for defamation . . .

He loses at trial and asks the judge "Does this means I can no longer call Mrs. Harris a pig?"

The judge replies "That's what it means"

The jock asks "Can I call a pig Mrs. Harris?"

The judge says "Yes, the First Amendment still allows that".

The jock turns to the plainti...

Did you hear about the mass shooting at the circus?

A dyslexic clowns got confused about the 2nd Amendment and armed the Bears

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I almost didn't post this joke, but I decided you deserve it.

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, “You aren’t that good in bed either!”

By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, a...

Albert Einstein once said: "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.”

He was probably talking about the 18th Amendment.

ENGLISH IS A FUNNY LANGUAGE

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English fo...

So Betsy DeVos resigned...

I guess some people were starting to pressure her to invoke the 25th amendment and she got scared because she can't count that high.

How do you get 46 out of 25?

Coronavirus.


To explain: The 25th amendment will result in the 46th president if the 45th president succumbs to coronavirus.

Confession

A teenage boy goes to church to confess his sins...

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned, I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy?"

"Yes Father, it is," the boy replied.

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can’t tell you F...

The blonde bought a gun.

She said it's the only time she can exercise her 2nd amendment and lose weight.

A couple of policeman tried to arrest me for wearing a pair of humongous bear gloves.

I told them to check the Second Amendment.

A police officer was driving through an empty freeway in the woods one day, when he stumbled upon the corpse of a large animal laying on the side of a road...

A police officer was driving through an empty freeway in the woods one day, when he stumbled upon the corpse of a large animal laying on the side of a road, with a pickup truck parked nearby.

He parked his car, opened the door, and looked at the animal, a grizzly bear, with some of its limbs ...

I said a prayer the other day but forgot to say the last bit.

It's ok though, amended it

I accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat the other day.

So, immediately, I went and knocked on her door, and I said, "I'm terribly sorry, ma'am; I think I've killed your cat. To make amends for this tragic mistake, I'll replace him if you'd like."

She said, "That's very noble of you, but how are you at catching mice?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a dollar every time someone called me sexist...

I'd have enough money to sponsor the repealing of the 19th Amendment.

I once asked the crowd if they were pro guns

And the majority belted out in approval. I asked a man in the front row why he was pro guns and he gave me the basic ‘personal protection liberty 2nd amendment’ hooplah.

I very seriously told the crowd, “I’m pro guns because I enjoy living in a world with only 4 Nirvana albums.

” My f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little medical joke

The South African Medical Association has weighed in on the new National Health Insurance proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thoug...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a lawyer, whenever someone asks me the joke "why did the chicken cross the road," this is always my response.

As counsel for the chicken, I have advised my client to invoke its 5th Amendment right to remain silent. The chicken with neither confirm nor deny crossing the road, nor the existence of the road thereof. Your concept of ‘crossing’ and ‘road’ do not rise to criminal conduct in any jurisdictional cou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The husband jokes about his wife being fat

While the couple is dining, the husband says "Oh my god woman, aren't you eating too much? Look at you with that dress. You look just like our washing machine!". The wife is visibly upset, but stay silent for the rest of the day.

That night, already on the bed, the husband is feeling bad abou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young state trooper pulls over an old lady on a rural road

A young state trooper pulls over an old lady for speeding on a rural stretch of highway. After he approaches the car he asks her:
"License and registration please ma'am."

She responds with: "That's fine officer, but I have to tell you, I do keep a gun in my glove box with my information."<...

Helga Adams takes her next door neighbor to court for defamation

She tells the judge "my neighbor Herman Franklin repeatedly calls me a fat pig to my guests when they come over."

"Herman, is this true?

"Yes your honor. I detest that fat pig that lives next door to me. She is a spoiled rotten princess of a fat pig who..."

"Alright, alright. I'...

It is Bob's anniversary

It's Bob's 15th anniversary and he forgot. When he came home from work he didn't notice his wife was all made up with make up and a pretty dress. Bob asked his wife what was for dinner but she kept hinting that they should have a date night but Bob getting from work was tired so he made a sandwich...

A pair of newlyweds go golfing...

A pair of young newlyweds decide to go golfing at an upscale resort. They get up early Sunday morning, load up their clubs, and drive the hour and half to the remote location. On the first tee, they are astounded to see multi-million dollar homes lining the course, the rising sun catching stained pl...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.