The 88+ Best Comfort Jokes

A little girl in charlottesville cries after the violence she's seen, I try to comfort her: "There there...

it's alt right"

Coffins must be really comfortable!

People are just dying to get in.

I was told to get out of my comfort zone

So I started driving on the other side of the road

Not only I’m I uncomfortable, but so is everybody else

I got to a party and the host said, “Make yourself at home”, so I got comfortable.

Turns out English was not his first language, and he was asking me to leave.

I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...

... as long as I die on Thursday.

Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."

Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."

Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."

Men need to stop staring and yelling at me when I wear yoga pants. I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for me, because it's comfortable...

Who cares if you can see my balls?

How do you comfort a grieving sushi chef?

Wasabi for your loss.

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How do you comfort a grammer nazi?

Pat them on the back and say ‘there, they’re, their.’

Some philosopher said “Change does not come from a place of comfort.”, but he was wrong.

I’m always finding loose coins in my couch.

I told my wife after checking our bank accounts we can retire and live comfortably for the rest of our lives

As long as we die by Sunday

After spending hours going over stories from people who got lost in the wild and reading survival guides and tips for wilderness living, I'm comfortable saying that I know exactly what I'll do if I ever find myself in the middle of a forest, miles from home with nothing but my wits to rely on.

I'll die.

What do you say to comfort a friend who's struggling with grammar?

There, their, they're.

I walked up to the barman and asked for Southern Comfort.

He threw a cushion on the floor for me.

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Naked and Afraid is a fun show because you get to watch the participants removed from their comfort zones and they try and get something edible within the allotted time in order to survive a harsh environment that will punish them for every failure.

Incidentally, that is also why I watch Chopped.

So the waitress asks the customer: "Comfortable, sir?"

And the customer responds
"No, no, comeforfood"

SON: Dad, I'm not comfortable with how often you use humor to change the subect when I bring up your debilitaing drinking problem.

DAD: "Hi 'Not comfortable with how often you use humor to change the subect when I bring up your debilitaing drinking problem', I'm Dad".

"His rod and His staff comfort me."

\-- Jerry Falwell Jr. explains his attraction to his pool boy.

My buddy was lately depressed as he found out that he wasn't planned and his parents didnt really want him, I tried to comfort him and said:

"Dont worry, accidents happen"

There aren't many comfort places in a time of great distress like this.

They are solace.

How do you comfort a sad non binary person ?

They’re/Their

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How to comfort a grammar Nazi?

There, their, they're.

I sleep better naked and it's more comfortable

WHY CAN'T THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT UNDERSTAND THIS?

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There are two types of people: those that are comfortable swearing

...and fucking pussies

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What does a sexy Dalek scream as it slips into 'something more comfortable?'

*"ACCENTUATE!!"*

From my 8 year old: what's the most comfortable car?

A comfortible

Guy and his comforter.

A newly married guy from a village went back to the city for his job. He went alone so that he could make living arrangements for him and his wife and then he'd take his wife as well. Once he got a decent apartment, he wrote a letter to his father in the village saying that father, please send my wi...

A cheating husband decided to write a letter to his wife.

"My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the...

More syllables than I'm comfortable with...

What does an agnostic with dyslexia and insomnia do?

Stays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

Hearing that Jesus loves you is a very comforting thing

Unless you’re in a Mexican prison

As I sat in my airplane seat for the 16 hour flight, I tried to get comfortable.

Then I remembered that I was in economy.

A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity,

a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he will want for nothing and to feel free to walk the grounds. One day, while he is out strolling through the idyllic gardens, he comes across a tall wall. Curious, he climbs one of ...

A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A king had 10 wild dogs.
He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said,
"I served you loyall...

I've been searching for a new comforter lately, but I can't seem to find any of decent quality.

I guess they just don't make them like they used to, duvet?

What is the Kraken's go-to comfort food?

Fish'n'ships

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How much money would I need to be comfortable

to jerk off in public?

It's either billions of dollars or no dollars.

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My girlfriend was trying comfort me about having a small penis.

I said to her, I know it’s okay to have one but I really wish you didn’t.

A comforting word

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"

"No, go right ahead," the woman replied.

The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora" and sits back down.

"Thanks," the woman said, "that means a l...

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A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

My wife just found out she's adopted. She is devastated and kept asking "why didn't they want me?". I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked me to make love to her, which led to more tears.

On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting "who is your daddy" was a little insensitive..

I stopped vaccinating my kids because I wasn't comfortable jamming a needle into their arms.

Now I get my Doctor to do it.

What do you call someone that are comfortable with murdering and gets payed for it

comedians

I comforted my depressed friend.

I said, “Sometimes, you just got to stop and breathe in the air.”

He said, “Yeah, like all the time.”

So Jesus is up on the cross, and James, his most faithful disciple. kneels at his feet, trying to comfort him in his last hours.

Soon Jesus, exhausted, says softly "James... James...."

James, trying to comfort the Lord, soothes him "I am here Lord, save your strength"

Jesus falls silent. A little later He says again, "James... James... are you there...."

"Yes, my Lord, I am here" answers James "Be still ...

Having heard that Steve Jobs is in hospital with only his Ipad to comfort him

I've decided to release the cure for pancreatic cancer into the public domain.

But only in flash.

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My dad always put his hands on my shoulders to comfort me

But it didn't really work when I lost my virginity.

Sheila shows up to work one day, in tears and looking for comfort.

The only person in the office that morning is John, not ideal, but Sheila carries on anyway. She relays her story to him:

"I left for work this morning, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. W...

A comfortably old joke

A doctor runs a test on an elderly lady in the hospital and comes in to her room to read her the results.
"I have some bad news, and some more bad news. You have cancer, and you also have Alzheimer's disease"
The woman says "Well at least I don't have cancer."

What's comforting and scary at the same time?

A warm toilet seat.

It confuses me why people feel comfortable with government surveillance as “they have nothing to hide, so nothing to fear”....

….but get really scared when I ask them to take their clothes off.

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter...

Dear Ma & Pa,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But...

What’s the comfort support of choice for women’s bras?

Mammary Foam

They say the inventor of yoga pants had comfort in mind

But I like to think he had posterior motives.

What do you call doing sit-ups in the comfort of your own home?

Domestic ab use.

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A Man Walks Into a Tattoo Shop Asking for $100 bill on penis

A man walks into a tattoo shop and asks to get $100 bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist is surprised and intrigued by this request. "Uh, are you sure about this sir?"

"Yes, I'm sure and I'm willing to pay whatever."

"Ok. May I ask why this particular tattoo in this particul...

Yesterday, two young men wearing name badges knocked upon my door. Naturally, I told them to come in, sit upon the sofa and make themselves comfortable.

But when I proceeded to lie down across them, I discovered that they had not succeeded.

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What do you call a cocktail of vodka, orange juice, sloe gin, and southern comfort?

A slow, comfortable, screw.

How do you comfort and annoy someone who is a stickler for grammar at the same time?

Give them a reassuring pat on the shoulder and say "their their."

Two Sisters...

One blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They ...

I wasn’t sure how comfortable my new couch would be.

But sofa so good.

A goat gets his wish granted by a genie.

He wishes to be turned into a human being. After his transformation, the, now, man is so grateful to the genie. He asks "How can I ever repay you?"

The genie just has this request: That the man make the most of his life and live like no man has lived before; love like no man has loved before;...

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

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I'm not comfortable with my sexuality...

but luckily I have a discomfort fetish.

What's black, white, and comfortable to sit on?

A cowch.

What’s comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time.....

A public toilet seat.

I bought a new sofa. Really comfortable.

So fa, so good.

(Well, at least it's OC :-) )

Bill Cosby on a date: "Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable..."

…like a coma.

I walked up to a girl in a bar. I said, "My girlfriend thinks I've gotten comfortable."

"She does?"

"Yes. Why don't you sit on my face and see if she's right?"

Why do S and U feel comfortable sharing intimate details to the one next to them?

Because that's where loyal T lies.

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A business man is leaving his wife for a week and has concerns about her straying while away.

He visits a number of adult toy stores looking for something that will keep his wife "busy" while he's gone. After hours of searching he eventually stumbles into a Chinese Herb and Erotic Tincture shop in Chinatown. After telling the old man running the store of his dilemma, the old shopkeeper think...

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...

I was struggling to get my wife's attention

So I simply sat down and looked comfortable, that did the trick

An engineer dies and goes up to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, St Peter says to the engineer "Sorry pal, you're not on the list. You can't get into heaven." The engineer says "Wait a minute, I always donated to charity, my wife and I raised two orphans we adopted, I attended church regularly, what do you mean I'm not on the list to get into...

why was the baby comforter so sad?

It was a little down

I was laying on my SO's chest and commented on how comfortable it was...

And she hits me with a "It's like it's MAMMorey foam!" line. I was quite impressed.

A man goes to prison for robbery.

After getting sorted, processed, and settled, it's lights out and he gets ready to sleep. After a few minutes he hears someone yell out "Forty Six!" and the whole cell block erupts in laughter. A few more moments pass and someone else calls out "Sixteen!" and again, the whole cell block starts laugh...

Politicians go visit a school

High ranking politicians visit a school. The top one goes over the expenses and decides to make adjustments to cut costs.
"The lunch portions are too big. Cut them in half. Internet connection too fast. Too many computers."

After that, they go to a preschool. Again, the expenses are too ...

Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:

“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”

“I’m sorry, says the intervie...

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A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”...

I tried comforting the jilted bride by reminding her...

"At least the wedding went off without a hitch."

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

It's comforting to know that the US government works the same way as a college student when it comes to deadlines...

They both wait until the last minute, then get an extension.

Soon after the General retired..., he decided he must do something different...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...!

*He soon found himself on an island with no flagstaff, no batmen, no ADC, no club, no canteen, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.*

After about four months,...

I've been living in Sweden for a long time and it's been quite comfortable…

…but then it might just be Stockholm syndrome.

This is my first joke. Be nice!

A doctor says grimly to a patient, "You are a very sick man. You've been diagnosed with covid, monkey pox, swine flu, Ebola, and bubonic plague all at the same time."

"Is there anything that can be done to help me?" asks the patient.

"Amazingly, there is," says the doctor. "First, we'...

A young woman ...

A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you...

My son asked me, “Dad, can I eat the last piece of cake in the fridge?” I smiled and said, “Sure..."

"But the dining room would probably be more comfortable.”

Why do mexican kids feel so comfortable at school?

Because their dad built it and their mom keeps it clean.

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