I was feeling very rundown and tired when suddenly a muscular little person grabbed both of my legs and lifted me into the air with ease. I instantly felt refreshed!

I guess I just needed a little pick-me-up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Medical experts were asked if it is time to ease the lockdown.

Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.
Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception, while O...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is something two men can do with ease, a man and a woman can do with some difficulty put two women not do at all.

Piss in the same pot.

A man and his wife go into the delivery room to give birth. The doctor says, “we have this new machine, where by the flip of a switch, the father can bear some of the pain to ease the mother. Want to try?” The every supportive husband says “sure.”

So, the doctor sets it to 10% and asks the husband how he feels.

“Fine. You can turn it up.”

Surprised, the doctor goes to 20%.

“More. This is easy”

Soon enough, the doctor goes to 30%, then 40, 50, 60, all the way to 100%. “I’ve never gone past the 25% mark” says the d...

An off duty soldier took a train.

When the train reach its first stop, a general walk in, and the soldier stood up, the general said. 'At ease soldier, sit down.'

The train reached its second stop, again the soldier stood up, the general once again said. 'At ease soldier, sit down.

When the train reach its third stop, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 people are fighting

An American,British, And Chinese are fighting over who is the best swordsman. They say whoever can slice that fly on half wins.

The American slices in half with ease.

The British does 2 slices, and it's in 4 pieces.

The Chinese does one swipe. The American and the British are l...

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.

The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to fee...

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My proctologist tried to ease the awkwardness after the unexpected orgasm by telling me it's perfectly natural,

I just wish he'd have aimed away from me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was the first night for a newlywed couple. The bride was still a virgin because she heard how much sex can hurt if a man has a large dick.

To make his bride feel at ease, the groom said to her, "OK, I am going to go outside and slowly show you my dick through the door. Stay calm, there is nothing to be afraid of".

So he walked out, leaving the door slightly ajar and then stuck a little bit of his dick through the gap and asked, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sunbathes in the nude and burns his penis

His doctor tells him to dip it in a cup of milk to ease his pain. His wife comes home and finds him with his willy in a cup of milk. She remarked, " I always used to wonder how you reloaded it"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a parrot at the Vatican who speaks dozens of languages.

This brilliant parrot had been with the Vatican for years. One day, he discovered an old rotary telephone that was still functioning tucked away in a forgotten room within the facility. Lonely as the parrot was, and able to speak so many languages, he began to place call after call to every corner o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A notorious loan shark is driving drunk one night...

As he's speeding down some curvy mountain roads, the shark loses control of the vehicle and crashes head-on into a tree.

When he comes to, the man finds himself lying on a sofa in a fairly modest looking waiting room. Dizzy, he looks around and sees what appears to be a reception desk at the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A long time married couple are walking by a shop when they suddenly notice a sign that reads "If you lift this 21" laptop with your dick, it's yours!"

... The husband goes in, lifts the laptop with his dick with great ease, and wins it. Everyone cheers for him.

A month goes by and the wife notices that the husband is no longer getting frisky with her. She tries everything to get him to make love to her. Nothing works.

Fed up and in t...

I decided to go out horse riding one afternoon on a horse I hadn’t rode before....

I wasn’t sure if the horse was ready for a rider just yet, so I slowly approached him, all the while talking gentle to the horse like I have always done when dealing with newer horses. I kept saying “easy boy” and I slowly reached out to pet him. The horse nervously kept its eyes on me, but he final...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three not-so-wise men

Three men are preparing to go on a sightseeing plane ride. They were just about to leave, but then they decided that they wanted some snacks for their plane ride, so they head to a local grocery store before going to the airport. While there, the first man buys an apple. The second man buys a pear. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help eas...

I’ve always wondered what my parents did to ease boredom before the internet was invented

My 19 brothers and sisters don’t seem to know either.

I got really badly sunburned yesterday, and was in agony this morning. My mother advised using tomato juice to ease the pain. I was very skeptical at first but she was right...

... I'm now on my seventh bloody mary and I can barely feel a thing.

More than half of $2.6bn (£1.9bn) in donations made at a special one-day conference to ease the humanitarian crisis in Yemen were pledged by countries that are either fighting in the civil war or selling arms to those undertaking the fighting.

When life gives you Yemen, you give Yemen aid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes into the bathroom at a bar.

He's using the urinal when this really short guy starts using the urinal next to him. The guy can't help but notice this little guy is hung like a donkey. Having had a few drinks, he comments on the dudes huge member.
The short guy laughs and in a thick Irish accent he says, "Aye. I'm a leprecha...

A car gets a flat tire

A car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. The lady driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lif...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I guy walks in to a bar. Has a story to tell.

He's sat at his local, looking kind of miserable. The barman says "Hey, how ya doin'? You don't look so good ...". The guy replies "Last night ... Last night was the worst night of my life."

"Oh really?" says the barkeep, "How bad can it be?"

So the guy tells his story:

...

The Middle Aged Magician

There's this middle aged magician in Vegas who has this really big show he's nervous for. He hits it off with one of the showgirls and she says she come by before the show to help ease his nerves. So he prepares by taking his magic blue pill. Unfortunately, she never shows up and it's time for him t...

Two university students had a week of exams coming up but decided to party instead.

When they got to their exam they decided to tell the professor their car had broken down the night before due to a flat tyre and they needed a bit more time to study.

The professor told them they could have another day to study.

That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to a recent medical study, masturbation helps to ease congestion.

The traffic cops on my afternoon commute did not agree, however.

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess.

So he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good...

My mom taught me that it is impossible to hum and wink at the same time...

She also taught me that I was gullible, kind of like the people who are reading this and just tried to hum and wink with ease. Thank mom, I love you!

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency

looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise conce...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. ...

To ease the pain of a mother Crying at her Husbands funeral I said "At least he died doing what he Loves"

Too bad he was a Drug Addict

My friend stole the book I was reading and threw it across the table where it slid with ease

It was non-friction.

^^^^I'm ^^^^sorry.

I caught the flu in Madrid

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick?" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor u...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the surface fill our lungs full of air and go right underneath the boat and blow as h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father whale and his son are swimming

when the son whale asks his father "where did I come from." The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."


At which point, the father whale was stricken by a long thin ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It is known that masturbation eases congestion

"I swear officer, I was only trying to help traffic move along!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With age, you gain wisdom.

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped. She even kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the check out and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease. It's just that you look...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Male Anatomy

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.


Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out befo...

3 boys in elementary school are bored.

3 boys are in elementary school. During lunch, the boys decide to have a competition. “I can fit my bread roll in my mouth!”, the first boy says confidently, and he does so.

“Thats nothing!” says the second boy, “i can fit TWO dumplings in my mouth!” And he does so with ease.

Unimpre...

An American walks into an Irish bar.

While on vacation, an American walks into an Irish pub and orders a drink. After a minute he says out loud, "I'll bet anyone in here $1,000 if they can take 10 shots of Jameson in a row, without stopping or vomiting." The bar gets quiet except for one man who gets up and walks out. The American laug...

A security guard and a midnight shift

This is a joke my father told me long ago. I probably don't have it word for word, but this is basically how it goes.

So it's midnight and this security guard is making his usual rounds outside some warehouse when all of a sudden, he sees a shadowy figure exit the building. The guard approa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teenage girl was at a catholic confession booth...

Verry embarrased, she admitted that she had gotten a bit too frisky with her boyfriend the night before.

Now, the priest was relatively new to this position in the church, and didnt know how to correctly assign penance for her actions, so he told her he needed to pray for a minute to hear wha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Drill Sergeant goes to a strip club...

A drill sergeant stationed at Fort Benning heads down to the strip club on a friday night. He's having a good time, having a few drinks. One of the strippers takes a liking to him and offers a private dance. He agrees and they head to the back room. While she's dancing, she asks him what he does for...

Why the long face?

There’s a horse in middle school, he doesn’t really have anything going for him, he’s watching MTV, sees jimmy hendrix playing, wants to be like him, asks his parents for a guitar, they deliberate but then give him one, he plays, gets really good, then gives up
Few years later, he’s in high schoo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Captain Blackbeard and his first mate Kelly capture a ship searching for precious jewels...

The ship is carrying three groups: guides, soldiers, and miners. They are transferring the three groups over in three boats. During the transfer, the boat with the guides capsizes, followed by the soldiers, but the miners cross safely.
A bloom of jellyfish passes by and stings the men in the wat...

Poseidon, Zeus, and Hades sit down for a drink.

They know that, because of those pesky humans, it will be their last meeting in a long time. Zeus is attempting to combat climate change, Poseidon is dealing with rampant pollution and rising sea levels, and Hades needs to update his infrastructure to deal with the massive influx of souls after WW3....

Once upon a time, there was a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them but unfortunately they had always had very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry he thought to hims...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was playing Hangman with a friend...

...and he threw at me what he said was a truly challenging word - a proper noun no less! Said it was someone who was all over the news a lot as of late. All I had to go on were an i and a couple e's. Not a lot of *ease* that *I* could really glean from that! Now, I was sipping some tea at the time, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska.

The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

"N...

An old dying man invites 3 of his friends to his deathbed and asks a favor...

He says, "We've been as brothers for longer than I can remember, and while I was not rich in life, I would like to bring some wealth with me as I die. If you could each leave $5,000 in my coffin, it would bring me great peace."

The three men saw no fault in this, as they were all very rich, a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two thieves see a horse...

Two thieves see a horse tied to a hitch outside of a tavern in a small rural town. They decide they want want to steal the horse, but they're pretty sure they'll get caught trying to make their escape from the town in the middle of nowhere.

The one thief says to the other: "I have an idea. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time...

In a kingdom, there live a queen with humungous breasts. Every man in the kingdom fantasized about the queen and her huge breasts. The general ,Lucas, especially wanted to play with them but he knew that it was impossible. He told the royal doctor about his obsession with the queen's breasts. The do...

A man walks into a bar..

And he's got a small lizard on his shoulder. He says to the bartender "I'll have a beer, and a whiskey for my friend tiny"

The bartender gives them a strange look but serves their drinks. Sure enough, they both down them with ease.

Another round comes up. "I'll have a beer, and anothe...

Helium walks into a bar.

Or, rather than walks, floats; for helium, at room temperature, is a gas, and thus has no legs with which to walk, and, due to its lighter-than-air nature, does not sink to the ground. The bartender himself is confused, for not only is helium invisible to the naked eye in the absence of another obje...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two sociopaths was being locked up in a psychiatric hospital.

One day they both decide that they dont like it there and they want to escape.

They wait for nighttime and eventually they make it to the top of the building and they now stand on the edge of the rooftop, only jumpingdistance away from the next rooftop.

One of the sociopaths jump over ...

My pregnant wife asked me if I was worried the temperature would be too hot for the baby inside her...

Putting her mind at ease I reassured her it’ll be womb temperature.

"Have you ever cheated on me?"

An old married couple was sitting on a bench in a park. They have seen plenty of struggles and success in their long life together, and now were enjoying retirement.

"I have been faithful to you all these years, darling", the man continued, "I have sometimes wondered about your loyalty, but I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] a soldier was home from tour and was naked in bed with his wife

As they talked it was obvious the mood was moving towards sex. So the soldier gets out of bed and stands at the side of the bed. He says to his wife "I learned this really neat trick. Do you want to see it?"

The wife replies "of course!" So the soldier looks down at his penis and says in a gr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 450 BC a Greek and a Roman are sitting around, discussing who has more reason to be proud of their heritage

Roman: We are clearly the superior society, after all, we invented aqueducts so cities and fields alike could grow

Greek: Perhaps, but we invented the water mill for grinding abundant grain, so that it could be stored and feed the people. Plus, we developed cartography, mapping out the world....

An eccentric billionaire's beloved pet hog was very ill...

...and his private vet was away so he had to find a last minute specialist. Vets from around the world sent word that they would come to his aid right away, jumping at the chance to look at the animal, thereby winning the rich old man's admiration and the huge bill that would come from top notch car...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob, Joe, and Dick go to heaven

Upon arrival they are greeted by St. Peter.

"Welcome to heaven. You are free to do as you please, but we do have one rule. Do not step on the ducks" he says.

'Seems easy enough' the men think.

They walk for quite some time before encountering the first duck, avoiding it with gre...

Bad tooth NSFW

[Warning: NSFW content, long story]

A man walks into a new bar his friends told him about and they decided to check out together. He goes up to the bartender to give a description of his friends and ask him if he's seen them, but before he gets the question off he sees his friends on the far ...

A man goes on vacation and leaves his cat with his brother

He's gone for a few days and decides that he misses his furry friend, so he calls his brother up to check on her. His brother answers the phone.

"Hey! I'm just calling to check on how Fluffy's doing without me"

His brother on the other end gets quiet before saying, "I dont know how t...

A boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to their first prom

He is very nervous, and his father notices as he’s getting ready. His father quickly tries to help ease his son, “don’t worry, you’ll be fine. You’re good looking, you get that from your mom.” The boy stops, eyes wide, and turns to face his father,

“Wait, IM ADOPTED?!?!?!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Horse and the Chick

The horse and the chick were best friends. One day when they were walking around the farm together, the horse fell into a patch of quicksand. He couldn't get out no matter how much he struggled. The chick suddenly had an idea:

"I know! The farmer just bought a new Porsche SUV. I'll use that t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] [LONG] A soldier returns home from Iraq...

Greeted by his wife, he hugs her tight, and she's ready to jump his bones. He stops her however, and tells her, "Baby, while I was away, I want you to know, I didn't stray in thought or body. I spent every waking moment thinking of you, and in that process, I developed a new trick." This certainly h...

A tale of Middle Earth

In the land of Gondor there lived one of the most renowned gardeners in all of Middle Earth.


All the various people would come to Master Kizal for healing herbs that could be found nowhere except his gardens. The Elves would come to him for rare tree saplings and advice on how to care f...

This is a long joke but the build up is worth it

Somewhere far away from here, there was a horse, a cow and a chicken. The horse had always wanted to start a band, so he learnt to play the guitar, while he was learning, he started looking for others who would be interested in joining his band, and found a chicken who was really good at singing and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drill sergeant walks into a bar...

And orders a beer and a shot. The bartender obliges, ant tells him it’ll be $10. The drill sergeant slams both drinks. He turns to the bartender and says, “I tell you what, I will show you a trick so good, you’ll give me both those drinks for free.”
The bartender says, “This better be a good...

A Librarian just got a new job.

On his first day someone asks him where a certain book is. He knows where it should be but can't find it there, in fact none of the books seem to be organized correctly. He goes to the head librarian who finds the book with ease.
He asks the head librarian why all the books are so disorganized....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Okay I have never seen this here and I have searched with 0 results but it’s in honor of my 50 year old brother who told it too me and recently passed away, (not related).

A man went to the circus and he sat with his wife a children, the circus began and all went well until the clown arrived, for some reason the clown focused on the man and humiliated him with he greatest of ease. He called him names, laughed at his clothes, joked about his accent, ridiculed where he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

He sees this bucket of money on the bar and asks the bartender what’s up. Bartender tells him they have three tests laid out in order to win this money.

1. Drink this bottle of hot sauce.

2. There is a rabid dog outside with a toothache. Fix it.

3. There is a 72 year old, 450...

An Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard and German are watching a street performer do some impressive juggling

As they watch him he throws flaming sticks in the air and twists them between his fingers before catching them with ease, he decides to start the next part of the act and slowly climbs up a tall ladder. Once at the top he spies the four men at the back, behind everyone in the audience who appear to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When i go down....

Jean Pierre, popularly known as JP among his friends was a fighter jet pilot of the French air force.

One day he took his girlfriend to the park for a picnic. Since he wanted to be really romantic, he packed the picnic basket himself.

Hours later, JP and his girlfriend were having a g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW][LONG]A warm glass of milk.

An older gentleman is in a nursing home and his son stops by to visit him. The son notices that his father is doing exceptionally well and asks him how he's doing. The father replies that the nursing home is giving him a Viagra and a warm glass of milk every night before bed and that he wakes up fee...

How to beat a Tibetan monk

A Tibetan monk and his young subordinate arrive in a small town in medieval England to challenge it's men to fight.

The town sheriff tells his best fighter to step up to the challenge, but the smug monk beats him down with a single, well placed blow.

The sheriff sends in two more men,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is speeding down the highway

while driving her convertible sports car. She flies past a billboard, behind which is parked a highway patrol officer. Startled by her outrageous velocity, the cop flicks on his lights and siren and pulls out from his hiding spot, tearing up asphalt to close the gap.

She notices his approach...

A man gets pulled over for speeding

The police officer walks up to the car and asks the man why he got pulled over.

"Yeah, I was speeding, I always drive a bit faster after I've had a few beers"

The cop was stunned, "you mean to tell me that you were under the influence of alcohol?"

"Yeah I needed something to eas...

Jesus and Moses return to earth for a vacation.

They are walking around a lake, and Moses says, "Well J-Naz, it has been a hot minute or two, but let's see if we can still perform miracles." Moses raises his arms, and the waters in the lake part, showing a dry pathway on the bottom of the lake.

Jesus says, "That's pretty gnarly Momo, I bet...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A command Sergeant Major retires

A command Sergeant Major(CSM) retires from the military, he decides to celebrate at the local brothel. Upon entering he speaks with the attendant and asks for a room and the most beautiful woman available. He proceeds to his room with the lady, and sits down on the bed. After a few minutes the lady ...

Two patients are trying to escape a mental hospital

They devise a plan to get up to the rooftop and jump from one building to another. When they get there, the first patient jumps across to the next building with ease, but his friend was scared that he wouldn't make it if he jumped. The first patient thinks for a while then comes up with an plan.
...

So there's this salesman..

He's driving down the road, not in any particular hurry. As he's driving, he happens to looks down and sees a chicken running alongside the car. He takes a closer look, and sees it has three legs.

The salesman eases onto the gas. 45, 50 miles per hour; chicken's right there. He gives it a bit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead undergo spy training

The pass all test with ease, and score top marks on all exams. Finally, after an easy year of training, they are told to go the headmaster's office, James Bond himself. "First of all, congratulations for you excellent grades in all classes, he said, but you have one final exam to pass. In the room b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A salesman knocks on a door

A salesman knocks on a door, as soon as the door opens he throws a mound of dirt on the floor of the house. The house owner begins to confront the salesman in a state of rage but before he can say anything the salesman pulls out a vacuum and sucks up the dirt with ease. The salesman says "I'm here t...

The King's Headache

A King is sitting in his throne complaining of a headache.

"This chair was built poorly, it disrupts my posture and causes headaches."

The squire asks, "What shall we do my Lord?"

The King says, "There is a region known as Fenn, the artisans there build the finest chairs in t...

I picked up an odd woman from the sidewalk.

As I was driving one rainy night, I saw a woman without an umbrella, dressed smartly, yet soaking wet. I asked if she wanted a ride and she nodded yes.

Now I had ulterior motives I had had a lot of alcohol at the Christmas party, and I was feeling myself getting drunk, and so I wanted someon...

Prison Joker

Young guy gets sentenced to 15 years in prison and is assigned to a cell with a lifer. The old man explains the rules, including the no-talking policy in the cafeteria.
At dinner that night, one of the inmates stands up and yells out, "28!" All the other inmates laugh loudly and then resume eatin...

A soldier is stationed in the middle east...

A young, American soldier arrives to his first tour of duty in an undeveloped area of Kuwait, and quickly discovers that things are rather strict. While he's able to distract himself for the first few days, he soon starts to get a little bit "antsy," and wonders how, exactly, he's meant to contend w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jim moves out for university, and leaves his mother and cat in the hands of his younger brother.

Jim gets to university and is so busy with moving in, making friends and starting classes that he doesn't phone home until a week later.

When he calls home, his brother, Bob, answers. He asks how things are going.

"Um, good I guess..." Bob replied hesitantly.

Worried, Jim asks w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[nsfw] Voodoo Dick (Long)

Lucia popped into her local South American produce shop on the way home from work (it was enchilada night). While browsing she got a call from her bff Natalie and spent some time talking about the recent divorce, and her lack of sex life. Shortly after hanging up, she was approached by the store cle...

Fighting Against Real Truths

I thought I knew what you really were
I thought you could ease my pain
Put an end to all this aching
And make me laugh again

I've known your kind before
I thought you weren't the same
Just trying to get in my pants
And fill my head with shame

I've held onto you for to...

A kindergarten class came back inside from playing at recess

The teacher likes to ask the kids what they did with their free time so he starts with Mary. "Mary, what did you do at recess today?" Mary said that she played in the sandbox. The teacher says, "that sounds like a lot of fun! If you can spell "sand" on the blackboard then you can have a cookie." Mar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Uranus ( long )

Originally from Buck Buchanan 9 i just had to share) let the Uranus jokes come forth.............anyway....

“It's my understanding that the first six probes were recklessly plunged into Uranus at such excessively high speeds these early attempts only produced massively dense clouds of methane...

Three nuns died and went to heaven...

They were standing before the pearly gates and St. Peter told them they must each answer a Biblical question correctly to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

The first nun stepped up and Peter asked "What was the name of the first man on Earth?". The nun quickly answered "Adam", and the trumpets bl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A white, black, and Mexican are in hell...

A black man, a white man, and a Mexican die and are sent to Hell. The Devil looks at them and says "You can choose any shield of your choice, and if you survive 3 lashes from my whip you can go to Heaven."

The Mexican says "I want a shield of diamond." It breaks on the first lash and he doesn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man trys nude sunbathing and burns his dick

He calls his friend who recommends he dunk it in a glass of milk to ease the pain. He goes into the kitchen totally naked, fills a glass full of cold milk and cautiously puts the tip in. Just at that moment his wife bursts through the door. She takes one look at him and says.

"Huh, so that's...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Devil caught a Pole, a German and a Russian.

One day the devil caught a Pole, a Russian and a German.

"*Do not even think about escaping.*" the Devil laughed at the poor men "*These cells are meant to keep the condemned! Nothing can leave them! Nothing can enter them! Nothing! Unless I say otherwise.*" he laughed devilishly "*But here...

"Can you identify the men from the line of suspects?" I was asked.

I said, "Yes, with ease. They're all men."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Marine

A Marine goes to a hooker, things start heating up and she notices he isn't hard. She asks if he needs help getting it up. Too which he replies, no ma'am I've got complete control over my body. He then yell "Private Ten Hut" and his dick gets hard.. impressed the prostitute asks if he can get it...

Never thought I would hear an actual funny joke in church

Heard this joke from my priest at church (I live in Kansas City).

A man who lived a lifetime of trouble died and was sentenced to smash rocks in hell to suffer for his sins. One day the devil walked up to the man who was breaking the rocks with ease and asked him how he was doing it so effort...

A woman goes into labor at the hospital

The husband asks if there is anything he can do to help ease the process for his wife.

The doctor says "there is an experimental process that allows the father to endure various levels of the pain of childbirth. It's new and untested, but it's all you can do."

"I'll do it. Anything t...

True Story.

My wife and I were shopping with her parents. Lovely people, who had just booked a holiday to New York to visit my brother in-law, who is expecting his first child. In preparation for this they needed to buy new luggage. We were walking around the shopping centre and had a few bags by the time th...

A man walks into a garden centre looking to buy some plants.

Upon entering, he sees a plant with beautiful purple/red flowers...and notices it also has hands that are tightly gripping something.

Amazed by this, he tries to pry the fingers apart in order to see what is between the plant's hands, but is unable to.

He approaches one of the workers ...

Tommy at the rodeo

A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel.

Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever...

TIFU While drinking coffee during jury duty.

We were in the jury room deliberating the verdict. I was drinking a coffee, and dumped some packets of sugar into my beverage. Unfortunately a few were actually salt, and I ended up spitting hot coffee all over the woman next to me.

I tried to help clean off her dress, but accidentally hit h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor complaining of stomach cramps.

The doctor prescribed him a course of suppositories to ease the pain and told him to come back in a week.

A week later he returns. The doctor asks him how the suppositories worked.

The guy says "they were absolutely useless. For all the good they did I may as well have just shoved them...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very rich man gave birth to a son.

On the son's sixteenth birthday, The man asked him what he wanted, and said that he would get anything his heart could desire. The son only asked for a pink ping pong ball. His father was curious, but complied. After they had cake and ice cream and the son opened his presents, he went up to his room...

Three men survive a plane crash on a strange island

When they gain consciousness, they realize they have been taken captive by a group of cannibals.
The leader of the cannibals tells all three men to go into the forest, pick 1 fruit and bring back 10 of them.
First guy went and came back with oranges and was told by the cannibal leader to shov...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.