UPJOKE
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Why did Santa’s helper see a therapist?

Because they had low elf-esteem.

I just got a seasonal job as one of Santa's helpers! That means...

I'm a subordinate Claus.

What do you call "hamburger helper" for road kill?

"Roadside Assistance"

A painter gets a helper from the unemployment office

A few days later the lady from the office calls the painter and apologizes deeply for the mistake.

"What mistake?"

"I'm so sorry, instead of a painter we sent you a gynecologist. Please just let him go, we send you a..."

"Let him go? You nuts, he's my best worker! At the last jo...

For German-speakers: How many helpers does Weihnachtsmann have?

Elf.

Adam was standing in the garden of Eden.

Adam: "God, I'm lonely. None of these animals are fit for me."

God: "Well how about I make you a helper? She can be human just like you!"

Adam: "Really?"

God: "Yeah! She'll be perfect! Her beauty will take your breath away! She'll never complain! She'll be strong, but gentle; co...

One of Santa's helpers and a football player on the defense together went on a rampage.

It was elf and safety gone mad.

What do you call Santa’s most attractive helper?

A MELF.

What do you call Santa’s helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

Why should you always knock before entering the Hamburger Helper Mascot’s room?

He might beef stroganoff.

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There's a new helper on a construction site.

As he has very little experience, he is given to a mean old fitter. All day long the old fitter is, pick up the crap, bring me my wrench, and the kid gets fed up and said "what makes you so special, why you have to tell me what to do all the time?" The fitter says, "because I am smarter than you", "...

Where did Satan's little helpers go to high school?

They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.

In North Pole, Santa broke his hip after tripping on one of his little helpers.

Said his wife: "You only have your elf to blame."

It must be a terrible time of year for dyslexics...

Satan's little helpers are everywhere!

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...

A blind man walks into a store

A blind man walks into a store with a helper dog.
The blind man walks to the center of the shop & stops.

The cashier asks if he can help the blind man, the blind man said nothing and starts swirling the dog over his head a few times.

The cashier is stunned about this action and...

[30 Days of Christmas Jokes] Why was Santa’s little helper sad?

Because he had low ELFesteem

Lost in translation

This joke is for anyone who has ever spent any time in Nigeria...

The lady of the house is having a dinner party and tells the steward (kitchen helper) “I’m going out shopping. Please chop all these vegetables for me by the time I get back.”

She gets back later that afternoon to find t...

Crude Oil massage

Barber : shoul I massage ur head ?

Me : ok, which oil will u use ?

Barber : Almond Oil is for 250₹

Me : herbal oil ?

Barber: 150₹

Me: Coconut Oil

Barber : 100₹

Me : anything cheaper than this ?

Barber *to his helper* : chhotu, get that barrel...

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A trucker was missing his girlfriend

A trucker had been on the road for a couple of weeks and was looking forward to seeing his girlfriend back home and having sex with her. He was nervous about busting a nut too early and remembered reading that masturbating before having sex would help prolong the act. The only problem was that he di...

Karen served wild mushrooms to the church group.

A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-sm...

NSFW A lady was queueing up at the donating line at a sperm bank.

A helper goes up to her and tells her:"Ma'am, you are queueing in the wrong line. This is the line to donate sperms."

The woman stares at him for a second. She then points at her mouth and goes:"Mmm! Mmm!"

A son asks dad, daddy what does the word alternatives mean ?

Dad thinks for a bit and explains.

Say, you can go to a store and buy a case of eggs. You could make an omelette, but you could also try and put the eggs in a nest, get a hatching light, and hatch the chicken. Then you'll feed them, breed them, watch em grow up, get some roosters in the mix....

Bad Christmas cracker jokes.

Where do you find reindeer?
It depends on where you leave them!


What do reindeer have that no other animals have?
Baby reindeer!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
...

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A fellow is standing at a urinal, doing his business.

A second person enters the mens room and quickly approaches the urinal next to him, then proceeds to just stand there. The fellow casts a glance sideways to see what is going on.

He sees a young man with no arms standing and looking forlornly at the urinal. His little arm nubs stick out of hi...

My dad used to roadie for Meatloaf...

He called himself a hamburger helper.

Let's pretend we're Muslims

Two Christian missionaries, David and Michael, were lost in a scorching desert, dying of thirst and hunger when they saw a mosque up front.

David said: “Michael, let’s pretend we are Muslims. Otherwise, we will not get any food or water and we will die. My name will be Ahmed. What will be yo...

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