Heal Jokes - 107 Hilarious Heal Jokes

My uncle used to say "time heals all wounds"

Lovely man, terrible paramedic

< Healing >

A guy in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked
the waitress for a cup of coffee. The guy looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress
nodded "yes," so the guy requested that she give Jesus a cup of
coffee...

What would you call someone with the power to heal others but chooses to be evil?

The American Healthcare System

How do you heal burns in The Matrix?

Neo-Sporin

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Sister Mary is relaxing in the bath after a long day healing the sick at her convent.

She hears a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" She calls.

"It's the blind man, may I come in?" Comes the reply.

"Well I'm in the bath, but I guess you won't see anything anyway so it should be fine." She answers.

"Cracking tits, love. Now where do you want me to hang these b...

I went to a faith healing session

at the local community centre last night but it was absolute rubbish.

Even the guy in the wheelchair got up and walked out..

Healing hearing

Leroy walks into a bar and finds the preacher there offering to pray for anyone. Leroy gets in line, and the preacher asks: "What can I do for you?" He replies, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear and prays with all his might. Finally,...

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Healed!

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advic...

What did prehistoric doctors heal?

dino sores

What do you get when a veterinarian fails to heal your sick cow?

Uncured Meat.

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
...

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my therapist said time heals all wounds

So I stabbed him. Now we wait.

The healing river

People heard about a healing river and the stories about its powers and so they gathered to see it with their own eyes. A lady with a sick child in her arms goes into the water on one shore and comes out at the other, the child now smiling and completely healthy. A blind man goes in and comes out se...

Why don't people trust those who say they can heal you with crystals?

Because they do crystal math

How many pain killers does it take to heal a Tape?

5 Per Cassette.

If you cross your finger after surgery you'll heal faster

Or maybe that's just super stichin'

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Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well. Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately. .

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the ma...

A healing priest is in the process of a miracle

Priest: Stand up!

(The man slowly stands up)

Priest: Now walk my child walk!!!

(The man slowly started walking and the crowd was shocked)

The priest then gave the microphone to the man.

Priest: Now what can you say upon this miracle of God!!??

Man: I still c...

After I fell down and cut my knee, a friend said I should use a sodium chloride solution to make it heal faster

It was really rubbing salt in the wound

Healing Kiss

In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged man were sitting.

The girl looks like she’s having some discomfort so her boyfriend asks her, "What’s wrong honey?"

She replies. "My head hurts."

Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her, "Is it bett...

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I believe in the power of healing prayer.

I prayed that I wouldn’t become fat, and I’ve never been butter.

Kiss and heal

A young couple and another old couple were traveling in a 2nd AC coach train in India. The older couple was allotted the upper berth while the young couple was on the lower one.

Just before going to bed the young man goes over to his wife's berth to give her a good night kiss. While getting u...

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A blind man asks Jesus to heal him

"Behold. I will heal your blindness," Jesus says, "and thy masturbation shall cease."

"Is masturbation a sin? Is it the cause of my blindness?" asks the old man.

Jesus replied, "No, masturbation is not a sin, but I'm tryiing to do an eye exam here."

What do you call a broken arm which has healed?

Castaway

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell

The devil awaits him. He says “Bill, don’t worry, it’s not as bad down here as they say. I let you pick your eternal punishment for yourself.”

“What are my options?” Bill asks.

So the devil shows him around.

Behind the first door is Ronald Reagan. He’s chained up, and getting w...

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A worker at a cucumber factory had this strange urge...

He wanted to stick his dick into the cucumber cutter. The urge was growing and growing until he decided to visit a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist found that the only way to heal the urge was to actually go ahead and do it.

The next day the worker came home early, his wife asked why. As...

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Jesus returns to earth with a healing touch...

So jesus comes back to earth from heaven, and states he can use his healing touch to cure anyone. A priest claims to have injured his back, and with a gentle touch, his back is cured. A monk states that he is going blind in one eye, jesus in turn heals the monk. A curious rabbi observed this, and wh...

Did you hear about the blind carpenter who was magically healed?

He picked up his hammer and saw.

If your hands aren't healing...

Take matter into your own hands

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Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven,

where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.

"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where ...

An Old man attended a Faith Healing session

The preacher said "Stand up and walk"
Then the old man proceeded to stand up from his wheelchair and slowly walked. The shocked crowd yelled in praise.
The preacher asked him: "How are you feeling now?"
The old man replied: "I still can't see"

Why are helium, curium, and barium known as the healing elements?

Because if you can't helium.
Or curium.
You gotta barium.

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Outback church healing..

Small church in the outback and the congregation are getting excited and filled with healing power. The priest asks the congregation for anyone with an illness to come forward. He holds his hands on the persons head and says, 'Pray with me people, let the healing power of the Lord prevail!'
The c...

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(NSFW) A nun, who possessed miraculous healing powers, was taking a shower,

when her fellow nun goes into her room, and says, "Sister, a blind man is here to see you."

"I'm showering! Tell him to come back later," she replies.

"But he says it's urgent; he cannot come back later."

"Well, he's a blind man, so fine, send him in," she says as she turns off...

Dad: When this heals will I be able to play an instrument?

Doctor: yes, you will be able to in a few days.

Dad: Great, I've always wanted to play an instrument.

What do you call an Egyptian test administrator who heals back pain?

A Cairo-Proctor!

What do you call a dinosaur good at healing burns?

An aloesaurus

Three people die; a doctor, school teacher, and the head of a large insurance company.

When met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the doctor, "what did you do on Earth?"
The doctor replied, "I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free." St. Peter told the Doctor, "You may go in."
St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, "I...

Did you hear about the new antiseptic healing cream that’s actually just a placebo?

They call it Pseudocrem.

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A man goes to a doctor ..

To see about getting his penis enlarged. The doctor says “yes we can do that - there’s a new operation these days. We take the trunk of a baby elephant and graft it into your penis.”

So the man excitedly agrees and gets the operation. Six weeks later after it’s all healed he goes on a date wi...

What do you call it when your party healer accidentally heals the wrong person?

A clerical error.

"Excuse me, is this pool stirred up by angels and imbued with healing properties?"

"No, Sir, I'm afraid this font is sans-Seraph."

A man fighting a war finds an ancient lance capable of healing wounds rather than creating them.

He names the weapon "Ambu-lance"

A man is sitting outside enjoying his morning coffee when he notices his neighbor jumps off his horse, walks behind him, lifts up his tail, and kisses him right where the sun don't shine...

Curious, he walks over to his neighbor and asked him,"Excuse me Bob, did you just do what I thought you did."

"What might that be?"his neighbor answers back.

"Well near as I can tell, it looks like you hopped off old Bessie here, walk behind her, lifted up her tail, and kissed her righ...

Old joke from my missionary grandpa.

Two guys go to a preacher to be healed. One guy, Danny, has a lisp. The other, Mr. Smith, is paralyzed from the waist down and cannot walk. The preacher tells them, however, not to worry.

"The Lord is going to heal you. Are you ready?"

"Yes," says Mr. Smith,. "Yeth", says Danny....

Jesus walks into a bar and says "who will buy me a beer" the guy with the 1 eye walks over and buys him a beer..Jesus raises his hand and touches the guys eye healing it instantly! he then asks for another beer..an old veteran paralyzed from the chest down rolls over to him and says

Ill buy your next beer Jesus..once again Jesus raises his hand to heal the veteran and the veteran screams
"NO JESUS DON'T!!!! IM ON THE DISABILITY BENEFIT!"

There is a street corner where hookers wait around to be picked up

On a light post nearby a parrot is hanging around. As he watches he says, “Same old hookers, same old clients”

This is bad for business so one of the hookers get mad at the parrot and throws a rock at him. He falls down onto the ground. The next morning a nun is walking and sees the parrot. ...

My dog has to wear this cone till he heals from surgery. It helps with the biting, but the barking?

He sounds like a sub-whoofer.

Doc, will I be able to play guitar after my arm heals?

Doc: Of course

Dude: Sick! I couldn't do that before!

I told my suicidal friend that time heals all wounds, and he agreed with me.

His body was later found at the bottom of Big Ben.

Did you hear that the televangelist got himself a puppy?

He taught it how to beg and heal.

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so, the apostles hired the most beautiful escort in all the village…

Jesus had just come home after spending a long day out in the village miraculously healing the diseased and injured. the apostles decided that since he had been working so hard to help the village people, they would show their appreciate my hiring Jesus an escort. they went to the village and hired ...

Reflections on the Jonestown massacre of 1978

As a society, we sometimes tell jokes about some of the most horrific events--mass murders, disasters, and so on. Often the jokes start within a day or two of the catastrophe, even before the dead can be counted. Perhaps we do it as a coping or healing mechanism, or perhaps it's our only extant type...

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A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually

He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.

Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this, but you can use this powerful healing only once a year! All you have to do is say '123,' and it...

A young woman, let's call her Emma...

... Loses her arms in a tragic bear accident. After healing, she decides to go get a job. The local church decides to find her some work she can do even without arms. She is hired as the new organ player.

Needless to say, her first day as an organ player goes poorly. She quits in shame.
...

A man jumps off a cliff with faith that God will save him

The man hits the ground full force and is left barely alive and bleeding out. A doctor passing by notices the struggling man and says, "Sir, I'm a doctor, please let me help you!" To which the man replies, "Get away from me! I have faith that God will heal me!" And the doctor walks away. Another doc...

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Woman has a sore throat and asks for help

So a woman has a sore throat and asks for help from her coworker.

The coworker says "I have the best cure! Every time my throat hurts I just give my husband a blowjob and it heals"

The next day the woman goes to work with her sore throat healed.

Coworker asks "Did it work"
...

Did you hear about a saint who trains animals?

He taught his dog to heal

A patient walks into his Doctor’s office and asks “I’ve been having this really bad pain in my back and money is kinda tight at the moment. Can you recommend any natural healing agents? Perhaps even meditation?”

The doctor replies “sorry sir, I’m just not sha-man.”

Raising The Dead!

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.

The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body ...

I translated a German joke and hope it's still funny

A man is treated by a psychiatrist because he thinks that he is a mouse. After some weeks of psychiatric counseling he is finally healed and has learned, that he isn't a mouse.

As the man in walks out of the psychiatrists office he sees a cat on the street and runs back to the psychiatrist an...

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The Position

A young woman with oozing sores on her elbows and knees went to see a doctor. "You've got to help me," she said. "These sores won't heal. I can't wear any long sleeves or slacks, and they look awful." The doctor consulted his medical books and finally said, "I can only come up with one question to h...

A three hundred year old Chinese joke

Yenluo, the king of hell, sent a demon to earth to see if there were any doctors doing good work healing people.

The demon asked, “How do I know who is a good doctor?”

King Yenluo said, “See how many ghosts there are haunting the clinic.”

The demon came to earth...

The Miracle Healer

A miracle healer is demonstrating his gift. A woman with a broken arm in a sling comes up to him. The healer says “I lay my hand on your arm. You are healed! Go forth!”

The woman takes her arm from her sling and finds it works perfectly fine!

Next a man with a broken neck in a brace co...

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What’s the difference between a mega church pastor and a crazed marine carrying a butt plug covered in superglue?

One wants to heal your soul for money.

The other wants to seal your hole for Gunny.

Wizard

A man comes into a bar and orders a beer.
He lets out a deep sigh, which prompts the bartender to ask if he’s okay. The man says to the bartender: «I’m afraid I’m turning into some kind of wizard.»

«How would you know?» asks the bartender.

«Well, I’ve worked in a bakery making san...

A old woman visits a doctor after a falling down the stairs, injuring her hip.

Doctor: “you took quite a tumble, you are going to need to take it easy and definitely avoid stairs for several weeks while you heal.”

Woman: “I suppose I could sleep downstairs, but what if I realize I need something and it is upstairs?”

Doctor: “Do you have a neighbor you could ask ...

Jesus becomes a man

Jesus is hitting puberty and Joseph wants to help him become a man. He approaches Mary Magdelene to enlist her help to which she readily agrees.
He takes her back to the tent and waits outside.
A few minutes later, Mary runs from the tent screaming.
Joseph enters the tent and asks what hap...

A guy's playing basketball with his buddies...

A guy's playing basketball with his buddies when he injures a finger badly.

He goes to the doctor and explains what happened.

The doctor examines it and says "It's broken, but we'll be able to get it healed up just about as good as new."

The guy gets a concerned look on his face...

John wanted to kiss a princess, so he asked Paul for help.

Paul agreed, as long as they split the profits. Paul then made an itching powder and put it in the breakfast of the princess. When her mouth itched, Paul declared to the King that John had saliva that possessed healing powers. The King paid John to heal the princess, and John French-kissed the princ...

Why are Helium, Curium, and Barium the medical elements?

***Because if you can’t heal-ium or cure-ium, you bury-um.***

A blind man, paraplegic, and deaf man visit a healer on a mountain.

The blind man goes up the trail using his white cane. Arriving at the top he asks to be healed and so it is. He throws his cane off the mountain and comes back down.

The paraplegic goes up the mountain with great difficult and asks to be healed and so it is. He throws his wheelchair off the m...

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I'm trying to build interest for my new children's book

It's about a vixen whose tail hurts, and each page after the introduction is a new animal trying to help her heal or deal with the pain. Sadly, every publisher I've contacted has rejected the manuscript outright.

I'm not giving up, though. "For Fox' ache" will find it's audience someday.

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A Golfing Injury

A guy went out golfing and took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he dropped to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I'll have ...

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Three friends finally get to the top of the mountain where the wise man lives.

The wise man says to the first "go heal yourself". She said "Wow. You're right. Did you know I was a physician?"

The wise man said to the second "go teach yourself". He replied, "That is profound. Did you know I was a teacher?"

The 3rd friend angrily starts to walk away. "What's wrong?...

Once upon a time there was a girl,

this girl had the ability to heal others any other living thing imaginable. One day a very injured demon came into her door and out of the kindness of her heart she healed him. The demon rose up and thanked her while he girl outstretched her hand to shake it, as was customary. But alas the demon fle...

If Trump Recovers, He Will Write A Book About His Quarantine Experience And How He Got Through It.

The Art Of The Heal

A man gets in a terrible car crash and his vehicle ends up going off the side of a mountain.

It was snowing and the man had broken his leg, lucky for him a group of monks were on the way back to their monastery so they took him with them. While they were healing the man they kept taking him on walks to make sure his leg was healing fine. On his walks he would always pass a golden door, it w...

The TV Healer

Grandpa and Grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set...

The best doctor in town vs John

There is a doctor in town who can cure almost any sickness. His confidence for his ability made him put up a sign that says "If I heal you, you pay $100. If I can't, I'll give you $200". John saw this and decided to take advantage of it. He came to the clinic the next day claiming to have lost the s...

A friend of mine have been in a wheelchair all his life

Having tried everything available to try and walk he trying to me for help. As a man of religion, the only thing I could consider what’s the take him to Lourdes in France, and try the healing water is there.

As we looked on m, a blind man went into the waters and was dipped, when he came out,...

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Bono and u2 were performing at a gig in scotland

And as you all will know, bono is a cause celebre for all sorts of charity aid, world peace, ending hunger, heal the world etc that sort of thing. He jets around the world having concerts and all that for the benefit of others and frequently raises this at his concerts.

He begins this concert...

Two cowboys are riding the range on a bitterly cold day when one of them vaults out of the saddle and picks up a piece of a frozen cow pat.

He rubs it on his mouth for a moment and then throws it away. As he remounts, his pard gives him an odd look, so he grunts "Chapped lips".

"I see," says his pard. "That helps 'em heal, does it?"

"Nope," says the first cowboy, "but it sure stops me lickin' them."

Can you beat my top 3 Polish jokes?

>What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?

A new last name

>Did you hear about the Polish carpool?

They meet at work in the morning

>Did you heal about the Polish terrorist that tried to blow up the bus?

He burnt his lips on the ...

A man dies and shows up in heaven

When he gets there, he sees an angel sitting down at a desk with a book. "What's your name, and how did you die?" The angel asks. "Rick Thomson, and I fell down my stairs." the man replies.

The angel flips through the book and then looks back up to Rick. "It looks like it isn't your time to d...

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Why did the Jews kill Jesus ?

Because he was healing people for free.

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi are sitting together and talking in a park when Jesus walks by.

The priest asks Him, "Are you really Jesus Christ?" He replies, "Yes, I am. How can I help you?" The priest says, "Well, Lord, I was involved in a very bad car accident a few years ago. Ever since then, I've been in severe pain. I can't stand up straight, and I'm unable to walk without this cane. Ca...

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A guy went to a doctor about getting a penile implant.

When speaking with the doctor, he said "You have come to the right place. We have a new procedure, that has worked very well for several of my patients. We implant part of an elephant's trunk into your penis. I expect you'll enjoy it once the operation is complete.

Although the man was a l...

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Jesus goes into a biker bar

Jesus goes into a biker bar and sees 3 men drinking at noon. One with a hunch back, one with a bum knee, and an old redneck.

Jesus walks over to the hunch back, puts his hand on the man's back, which immediately straightens. Hunch back says, thank you jesus. I'm healed!

Jesus walks ove...

A man with broken arms went to see the doctor.

Man: "Can I play piano after my hands are healed?"

Doctor: "Yes you can"

Man: "Amazing, I could not play piano before".

A man is at a doctor's office

"Alright, this ones an antidepressant, this ones a painkiller, this one is anti infection, and take this one every day for the wound to heal faster. I also recommend taking this with the rest of them, it's easier that way."

"Doctor, do you have anything other than vodka?"

An old Irishman walks into a bar, hauls his bad leg over the stool, and asks for a whiskey...

"Hey," he says, looking down the bar, "is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nods, so the Irishman orders Jesus one too.

An ailing Italian with a humpback walks in, shuffles up to the bar, and asks for a glass of Chianti. Noticing Jesus, the Italian orders Him a glass of Chianti too.
...

Three friends married women from different parts of the world…

The first man married a Greek woman. He told her that she was to do the dishes and clean the house. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away…

The second man married a Thai woman. He gave his wife orders that she was to...

A man walks into a grocery store with a gunshot wound.

The grocer asks him if he needs a doctor.

The man says he just wants to know where the spice isle is.

Confused the grocer asks why and the man replies “Because thyme heals all wounds.”

I wonder why thyme isn’t used in medicine.

It’s supposed to heal all wounds.

The Spiritual Healer

One day a traveling religious healer came to a small town. He promised that through the power of the Lord he could cure any ailment no matter how severe.

That night the town gathered in the town square to see a huge stage with a long white curtain and a large golden cross. The healer aske...

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A retired Marine walks into a bar...

with a noticeable limp from combat injuries. He hobbles up to the bar and asks for a whiskey. He sees a familiar face at the end of the bar and asks the bartender, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nods, so the Marine buys Jesus a whiskey.

A frail, hunchback woman comes in the bar,...

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Dapple's Car Accident

Once upon a frosty Canadian winter, there lived a man named Dapple. Dapple was a proud Canuck, born and raised in the heart of the Great White North. He loved the snow, the maple syrup, and of course, ice hockey. But one fateful day, his life took an unexpected turn.

Dapple was driving ...

A man walks into a doctor's office with a broken arm.

He asks the doctor, "Doc, when my arm is healed, will I be able to play guitar?"

Doctor: "Well the fracture doesn't appear to be too bad, so yes you should be able to when it's all healed"

Man: "That's fantastic news! I've always wanted to be able to play guitar."

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An elderly couple was listening ...

...to a religious revival on the radio. The preacher ended his stirring speech by saying "God wants to heal you all. Just stand up, put your hand on the radio, then place the other hand on the part of your body that is sick."

The old woman tottered to her feet, put one hand on the radio and ...

Me, my girlfriend and joe

A couple of years ago, i was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joe barged into the room from nowhere, tripped over and broke the glass table with his face. it totally ruined the moment. i didnt know Joe that well, didn't know where he was from, but i put my planned on hold just to h...

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A man goes to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor and says ‘doctor, my wife & I have been married 30 years, and have enjoyed a very active sex life up until now, but I can no longer get it up. I’ve tried every pill going, is there anything you can do?’

The doctor explains that there is an experimental surgery ava...

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Faith healer visits a small town

And sets up a prayer meeting. All the faithful are there and are ready for a miracle.

One man hobbles up and says "I've been lame since I was a boy. Can I be healed?"

The preacher says "All who believe will be healed. Now go behind the curtain"

Another man walks up and says...

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Guy goes to his doctor complaining of ongoing pain in his elbow.

The doc hands him a cup and instructs his patient to go home and pee in the cup as soon as he wakes up and before he does anything else. The patient looks doubtful and says he can't be serious, and that there's no way he can diagnose his issue just by peeing in a cup. Doc says it is a new method tha...

So I was out Christmas shopping earlier today, decided to stop in at the local garden section to pick out some succulents for my wife, tripped over a hose and ended up falling into the Aloe Vera.

Hurt like hell, but healed very quickly.

It is mean to make fun of Trump for using both hands to drink coz of his injury

He touched The Bible a few weeks ago and the injury hasn't healed yet.

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