What does a rabbit have on his back when flying?

An eagle.

California scientists are studying the impact of cannabis seeds from the farms will have on the local seabird population

Apparently they are being thorough and are leaving no tern unstoned

What's the worst cat to have on your lap?

Probably a bulldozer

What do Sharks have on their toast?

Mermalaid.

What's the worst job to have on The Starship Enterprise?

Cleaning up the hollodeck.

What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?

Flood lights

What do an angry parent and a car wreck have on common?

They can both be a rear-ender.

If a fire hydrant has H20 inside, what does it have on the outside?

K9P

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend told me, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you have on!”

I said, “Thanks. Those are called pants, not an ass shirt.”

What’s the best drink to have on the 4th of July?

A White Russian. Nothing is more American then a Russian helping you to make poor choices.

Lately I've noticed a strange fascination shared by everybody that comes over to my house. They can't seem to get enough of this one Stephen King book I have on my shelf.

I guess it's true what they say; company loves Misery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do sperm whales have on their front porch?

A whalecum mat.

What do Dutch people have on their face?

Tulips

What did Melania Trump have on her Black Friday shopping list?

A copy of everything Michelle Obama had on her list

How much salt does Jihadi John have on his chips?

Just a Daesh.

What do internet pirates have on their legs?

j.pegs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have been looking for a download of an album I used to have on cassette tape.

Anyone have at link to "Head Cleaner Kit"?

What's the worst vegetable to have on a boat?

A leek.

What drink do you have on Halloween?

Mali-BOO

What did the Pot Shop have on Black Friday?

A bake sale.

What does a pimp and a redneck have on common?

They both like to throw a ho-down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How much porn did Jared Fogle have on his computer?

A pedobyte.

What do a zip lock bag and a walrus have on common?

They both like a tight seal

What kind of work out do parrots have on leg day?

SQUAAATS!

...Polly want a cracker.

What do pink flamingos have on their front lawns?

Plastic Italians.

What kind of buildings do terrorists have on their farms?

Allahu akbarns (I'm going to hell)

Just thought of one: Why is an abortionist good to have on your team?

If you conceive something, they can execute it.

What is the oldest joke we have on record? (X-post)

http://www.reddit.com/r/AskHistorians/comments/2krnv8/what_is_the_oldest_joke_we_have_on_record/

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mailman is making his route. On his last day before retirement, he gets to one of the last houses when the lady of the house answers the door in a slinky negligee and says, "Today is your last day, isn’t it? Come with me; I have a surprise for you."

She takes him by the hand and leads him into the house where he finds a complete breakfast feast laid out for him—eggs, pancakes, bacon, the works. The mailman stuffs himself, pushes back from the table, and says, "Thank you ma’am, this was wonderful, but I really should finish my route."

She...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

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