Grew Jokes - 115 Hilarious Grew Jokes

A local farmer just successfully grew a field of vibrators.

Unfortunately, now he has a problem with squatters.

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A nun at a Catholic School was asking her 10 year old students what they wanted to be when they grew up.

"Susie, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Susie said "I want to be a doctor."

"Very nice," the nun said. "Jenny what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Jenny said "I want to be a teacher."

"Excellent answer," the nun replied. "Martha what are you going to be wh...

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

I asked my son what he wanted to be when he grew up and he said, "Batman."

Now my wife and I refuse to take him to the theater.

I always wanted to be Batman when I grew up

Not for the gadgets or the money. I just hate my parents.

A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up.

"I have an idea," said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."

So the man and his wife hide just be...

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What's the scientific name for a child who grew up with parents that never gave them attention?

Homoneglectus.

My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.

His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."

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A penis grew to 5ft9 and had functional arms and legs. With his new found life he opened doors, pulled out chairs and was very chivalrous.

He was a true genitalman

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I have a friend who grew up in the USSR.

He says they only had 2 channels on the tv. Channel 1 was just soviet propaganda, talking about how amazing stalin was, and channel 2 was a KGB agent telling you to switch the fuck back to channel 1 or else.

My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results...

... speak for themselves

Why did the emu lose all his friends when he grew a few feet taller?

Because he was ostrich sized.

I grew up in a rough neighbourhood

Back then the other kids would attack me with squirty cream and then plant cherries on my head.

Life was tough in the gateaux..

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I went by the house where I grew up in yesterday

and asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face.

My parents can be so fucking rude.

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My son said that his teacher asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. I asked what he picked.

"I either want to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer"
...................

I think the little bastard found my porn stash.

Two boll weevils grew up in the deep South.

One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.

The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one became known as the lesser of two weevils.

I grew a whole foot the summer after 8th Grade!

Yeah the doctors were shocked, It took 3 surgeries to remove.

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I grew up believing my grandad was a Japanese prisoner of war.

Turns out he just likes hiding things up his arse.

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My Grandpa once told me an old story about a shrimp who grew a penis

It was a classic prawn cock tale

My buddy just saw the Chernobyl documentary. As someone that grew up there he said it was really inaccurate.

He was able to count 6 errors on one hand.

People think that just because I grew up in the ghetto back in the 80s, i should walk around carrying a big ol' boom box on my shoulder.

But I refuse to go with that stereotype.

I grew up in a town where the population never changed…

Every time a girl got pregnant, a guy left town.

Once, in the forest, a sapling grew between two trees...

One tree was a birch tree, and proudly said, "That sapling is a son of a birch!"

The other tree was a beech tree, and proudly said, "No, that sapling is a son of a beech!"

The two trees argued day in and day out, but couldn't settle the matter. Finally, they decided to ask the true exp...

I grew up in a religious household and I used to pray and ask God for a bicycle

As I got older I learned that God and praying didn't work this way. So I stole a bicycle and ask God to forgive me

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I grew up in a small village...

...where I pretty much laid all the new roads in the place but was I known as Mikey the road layer?

No.

I single handedly built three bridges across the river there connecting the two sides of the village for the first time ever. Was I known as Mikey the bridge builder?

No....

I grew up with Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope

Now there's no jobs, no cash, and no hope. Please don't let anything happen to Kevin Bacon.

I grew up in a rough part of town...

The local youths used to cover me in chocolate and cream, then put a cherry on my head. Life was tough in the gateau.

I grew up in the hood….

We had money, my parents just don’t believe in circumcision

What do you call a flower that grew up in an orphanage?

Self raising flour.

I grew up working in my Dad's mirror factory.

Upon reflection, it really changed my view of the world.

The place where I grew up is so small, we didn’t even have a town drunk…

Everyone just took turns.

A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damged his home.

Now he’s in a pickle.

I grew up in an interesting home...

My father was Irish and my mother is German. That means that every once in a while they would get drunk and try to take over the world.

A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered "It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD."

The drunk promptly fainted.
The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."

My math teacher grew seaweed on his wife's undergarments.

He really was fond of algae-bra.

As a kid, I really wanted to be an astronaut when I grew up.

But my parents told me the sky's the limit.

Why do I always get a headache when I eat the wheat I grew?

Because it's my grain

It's always weird returning to the home you grew up in

Of course, the family that lives there asking me to leave and saying they are "calling the police" aren't helping either

Woman asks her friend "How are your kids getting on now?"

"Fine!" Comes the reply. "My oldest boy grew up to be a doctor, the second grew up to be a teacher, and my daughter grew up to be a lawyer!"

"What about your youngest boy? How's he doing?”

"Ah. He grew up to be a thief. He lives at home with us still."

"So you let your three de...

An Irish fellow in New York turns to the gentleman next to him....

“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?”

“I’m from Ireland.”

“No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?”

“Grew up in Wexford.”

“Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!”

“Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary scho...

Buckwheat grew up to be a Muslim

He changed his name to Kareem Wheat

I grew up in a fractured home.

It was a cracked house.

When I said that I wanted to become a comedian when I grew up, everyone laughed.

No one’s laughing now.

What did the daddy buffalo say to baby buffalo when he grew up and went to college?

Bison

Why do mermaids wear seashells?

They out grew their b-shells.

When I was a kid, I told everyone that when I grew up, I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. They all laughed.

Well, I got a job doing standup in a comedy club, and no one's laughing now.

Little Ken Fok grew up working hard in his father’s restaurant in China

Every day before school he would get up at 6am and help prepare the dishes for that days lunch before coming home from school at 4pm to help with the evening shift by preparing and serving customers. He would make Spicy crab cakes, shredded pork and tofu. He would work until midnight and then repeat...

Just been speaking to a mate of mine, he's just seen the Chernobyl documentary.

He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980's and was able to count at least 11 historical inaccuracies on one hand.

Little drummer Boy grew up and became a father to twin girls:

Anna 1, Anna 2

I grew worried when my programmer wife hadn't come out of her office all day.

I entered found her hunched over her laptop. "Honey, everything okay?"

"I'm working on a production defect!" she replied, not looking away from her screen.

"I know how those are!" I sympathized, and left her to concentrate.

An hour later she came downstairs in tears, flushed. Sh...

My son told me he wanted to be an oyster shucker when he grew up.

I was displeased with his shellfish ambition.

I grew up in a family of potters.

I told my dad "I don't want to make pots anymore, I want to make baskets" and he was furious - he was going to kick me out.

He said "go. Weave."

My kid grew a foot in the last month.

Anyone know where I can buy shoes in sets of three?

Flour, sugar, salt, water and yeast grew up together in jail.

Guess you could say they were bread in captivity.

There was a farmer who grew watermelons...

He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his water melon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. T...

I grew up in the hood

Childhood

Mom told me I could be anything I wanted when I grew up

But apparently identity theft is some sort of a crime

I ordered a new kitchen sink and by golly that thing grew legs and knocked on my door.

Let that sink in.

If I grew another foot

I'd need another shoe.

What do you do if you grew up In Hungary?

Move to Turkey

I grew up just a stone's throw away...

From where that family mysteriously got all those head injuries.

The other day I met a sentient ant who grew fond of me. It turns out he has the ability to type and write as well…

This looks like it’s all a cake day joke, but it’s just fondant.

One day, these parents wanted to find out what their Son was going to be when he grew up,

So they put a $100 bill, a bible and a whiskey bottle on a table.
If he picked up the $100 bill, it means that he was going to be a businessman, if he picked up the whiskey bottle, it means that he was going to be in the entertainment industry, and if he picked up the bible, it means that he was...

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A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So w...

I grew very suspicious when my ex and current girlfriends were on the same frequency

Turns out, they were using the same vibrator

I used to have two kidneys. Then I grew up.

Now I have two adult knees.

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

At the touch of her lips, it grew hard an swollen...

I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I´d ever seen.

I wish I grew up during the 50s

but then I remember I'm black

What do you call a protestor whose ancestors grew weed?

A grass roots activist

I watched a documentary about a man who grew up in the Catholic church.

It was a touching story.

When I grew up in America, I was told that if I work real hard, someday I could be the next President of the United States.

I live in the UK now and noticed that the British aren’t as optimistic as Americans.

But as an optimist, I still tell my son that if he worked real hard, someday he could be the next Queen of England.

My dad grew up herding sheep in Germany

He was a German shepherd.

A kid grew up with a inattentive father...

He wasn’t around much and didn’t really make an effort. Was emotionally distant and at times cruel. But the kid was very close with his sister, brother and mother.

Years go by, he goes to college, goes to grad school and has a great career. He becomes a renowned scientist respected by all. <...

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

When I was just a little kid, I used to pray for a bicycle. Then as I grew older I learned in Sunday school, that's not how prayer works.

So I stole a bike...and prayed for forgiveness.

What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?

IT’S A LIIIEEEE!!

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I grew up Catholic...

and one of the things I hated was going to church, with the constant standing up, sitting down and kneeling. I wish the priest would just pick a position and fuck me.

I grew up in a broken home

My father was a drunk carpenter.

One day a frog grew tired of living on a lily pad.

He decided he wanted to get a house. So he went to the bank and asked if he could get a loan for a house. The banker said that he can have a loan if the frog can give some collateral. The frog had no idea what collateral was and asked what it is. The banker said that collateral is when you give the ...

I grew up so poor that my parents couldn't afford any toys

They had to cut holes in my pockets just so I could have something to play with at night.

John grew up on a farm

John grew up on a farm in a small town away from the hustle and bustle of the city. His whole life he has been a huge fan of tractors, his curtains and carpets had tractor patterns on, there were posters of John Deere's covering his walls, he even had his parents buy him a waffle maker that makes wa...

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

I grew a massive herb in my garden.

I told all of my family and friends about it but none of them thought it was a big dill.

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I grew up thinking my Dad had tourettes....

turns out he just genuinely thought I was a fucking cunt.

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Three women are going back to visit the Catholic school that they grew up in, and they find the nun who taught them as children.

"So what have you young ladies been doing with your lives?" the nun asks.

The first woman responds, "Well, I've become an engineer, I'm married and I have three kids."

The second woman says, "I've become an accountant, and I'm happily married with two children!"

The third woman ...

I grew up in a rough neighbourhood...

And my mom would constantly yell at the top of her lungs “get back inside boy, there’s a goddamn junkie heading this way!”

Now that I’m an adult she yells “get back inside you goddam junkie there’s a boy heading this way!”

While living alone and always wearing a mask in public, I grew a mustache without anyone knowing.

It’s my secret ‘stache.

What do you call a fish that lost his fin and grew another one?

Finnegan

How did the tree feel when its leaves grew back?

Re-leaved

When I was young, I grew up in a theme park..

The theme of the park was trailer.

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I grew up with a friend who had an unwed mother with no money.

Poor bastard.

A kid grew up his whole life thinking he was adopted.

Many times he would enter a room unexpectedly and his parents would be there and would quickly hide official looking papers and act suspiciously about the subject. He always considered asking but was always too nervous about it. He thought he'd be disappointed to hear the truth. One day he works up ...

I grew up in a farm.

Once I had to take a cow to be inseminated on a school day. My teacher didn't really appreciate this and asked why my dad didn’t do it himself. I told her that we only get calves with a bull.

A young man grew fed up with modern life

A young man grew fed up with modern life and decided to leave the big city and become a shepherd, spending months in the seclusion of the distant mountains alone with his thoughts and sheep. So he went up the high mountains where he found three older shepherds with a big flock of sheep, and asked th...

What do you call a white guy who grew up in the ghetto?

Tarzan.

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Ok so this is not a joke for everyone

Once upon a time there was a country that whenever a men grew up ‘til a certain age their dick would be cut, but how would they do it depends on what their job is.

One day the day to cut people’s dick off comes and there is a line of hundreds of men crying.
“What is your job?” “I’m a butc...

When I grew up my parents always told me about the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy...

Now that I'm older I don't believe in any of that made up nonsense, thank God!!!

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A woman went to the doctors after taking steroids and said she grew a penis.

A woman went to the doctors after taking steroids and said she grew a penis.

'A penis, you say?' said the doctor.

The woman nodded.

'Steroids, you say?' said the doctor.

The woman nodded again.

'Anabolic?' said the doctor.

'No,' said the woman. 'Just a penis...

My chess board grew a tumor

Thankfully it's B-9

Our generation was so much nicer... I know because I grew up in Germany...

...and we were all kinder

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A kindergarten teacher asked her students what part of the body grew 10x its size when stimulated.

All of the students stayed quiet until Little Susie stood up and said, "I'm going to tell my mommy and daddy what you're teaching us!"

The teacher didn't answer her and asked the class again, "What part of the body grows 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Susie began to turn re...

I had to go to the doctors because I grew antlers after eating Mexican food...

He told me it was a bad quesadilla.

Kids who grew up watching Seinfeld must have had great ambitions to become comedians.

And failed.

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I went back to the town where I grew up...

I went back to the town where I grew up to walk around and relive old memories. I turned down the old street where I used to live, and found my childhood home. I knocked on the door and asked the occupants if I could come in. They said no.

My parents can be real assholes sometimes.

Two old soldiers are reflecting during a visit to the town where they grew up.

The first soldier had had both arms amputated at the elbow following after the war, and the second both legs at the knee.

After a while of gazing upon old buildings and storefronts, the men come across a statue in the town park; the statue shows signs of age and neglect.

The second rem...

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A man heard that masturbating before sex...

A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. ...

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck, but through hard work and perseverance

...I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

Lee, the man I grew up thinking was my father, recently told me he doesn't have any kids...

...I could've sworn he was my real dad, but a parent Lee not!

I told my dad I wanted to be a jockey when I grew up

He said I had to pick one

I grew my hair out, and now my GF wants me to cut it.

Thing is, I've grown attached to it.

I once knew a Vulcan who grew up in London

He had a Spockney accent.

Four students are asked what they wanted to be when they grew up

1st student: I want to be a teacher, so I can teach my fellow countrymen

2nd student: I want to be a doctor, so I can cure my fellow countrymen

3rd student: I want to be a lawyer, so I can protect my fellow countrymen

4th student: I want to be a countryman

I grew up on McDonalds, and it still holds a special place in my heart.

I’ve even got plaque dedicated to it.

I grew up in a house with metal floors. It wasn't much fun though...

I was grounded all the time.

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