UPJOKE
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I wasn't sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting...

so I just came in my pants.

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I

also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces..

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I find my tastes in porn have matured with age.

I am now into current lower back problems.

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged And dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? ... Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.... Older Woman: Oh, I see. ... Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: You don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and...

It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature

Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two months...

Very worried, the mother goes to the farmacia (drugstore) and buys a pregnancy test. She brings it to her daughter who takes the test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing,
crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The...

I took a maturity test,

And the results came back as 69% mature

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Why is a Geiger counter like mature porn?

You get a lot of clicks when your junk's decaying.

If abortion is such a mature subject,

why does it bring out people's inner child?

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A crappy joke I thought up.

What do you get if you purchase a quad pack of traditional mature Japanese wine?

Four old times sake.

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How can you tell if you have a mature or an immature sense of humor?

poop.

Little Johnny goes to school one day.

As a 3rd grader, the day is pretty uneventful. However, when he takes a break for recess, he sees all of the kids gathered in a circle around his best friend Jimmy.

Wanting to see what all of the fuss is about, he pushes his was through, and sees he friend standing there proudly with his shi...

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What kind of Bees produce milk?

There is no creature for which this is more true than the honey bee. Amazingly, queen bees are genetically exactly identical to worker bees. But they’re fed a different diet from worker bees their whole lives, from the time they are tiny larvae, until the day they die. This different meal plan cause...

What do you call a dating service connecting young men with mature women?

Oedipal Arrangements

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In an alcohol factory the regular tester died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,”It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.” “...

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Do you know how you can tell that women mature faster than men?

Men don't grow boobs until they turn 40.

(Credit goes to the old guy who made me chuckle today at work)

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What do sea turtles have in common with mature Redditors?

They both have human shits getting in their face.

I think Ryan Gosling is mature enough now...

for us to call him Ryan Goose.

I always wait for my Dad jokes to mature.

That way they’re full groan.

A pun isn’t fully matured until it’s...

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Full groan.

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I went to a party of pre-mature ejaculators

I left early...

How does cheese get more mature?

Fromage

TEXTING for over 70s,The kids have all their little SMS codes, like BFF, WTF, LOL etc. So here are some codes for the more mature...

ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To? ...

My girlfriend this I'm very mature. But she thinks I'm incapable of being faithful.

My wife, on the otherhand...

People keep telling me I'm mature for my age

I don't really feel like I am, but I guess I must brie

I've decided to become mature and enter the dating scene. My first move is an introduction. 'Hi my name is Eric'

Eric-tiledisfunction

My girlfriend just asked how mature I was on a scale of 1 to 100..

..apparently 69 was not the correct answer.

I noticed that I am quite a mature person, ever since I stopped making indirect comments about others.

Unlike some others that I know.

Why Did everyone gravitate towards the mature calf?

He was like a bull.

Bread is not emotionally mature enough to have threesomes

When you spread your nuts all over one slice, the other gets jelly.

What do you call a pre-maturely born Chinese boy?

Sudden Lee

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A man was having pre-mature ejaculation problems...

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were ha...

The great thing about Reddit and internet forums is that they're ageless. As long as teenagers act mature and adults act immature.

And if you don't agree you're stupid.

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Emotion Party (rated M for mature themes)

Jim wanted to spice things up for his 25th birthday party and decided that it should be an Emotion Party. He instructed his guests to come dressed as an emotion.

The first guest to arrive was dressed in green and snarled at Jim.

"I've come as Envy!" the guest declared.

The sec...

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I am holding a pre-mature ejaculation club meeting next week

Needless to say, You need to come early

A brilliant scientist successfully creates a lifelike deer cyborg.

Dr. Holmes, after many years of biotechnological research, finally succeeded in his secret project, using funds diverted from his research grant. Because the project needed to be kept off the records, Dr. Holmes kept the deer at home.

The cyborg would grow and develop just as a normal fawn wo...

What's the difference between a musician and a savings account?

One eventually matures and starts to make money...

Why is the new Zork game rated M for mature??

I guess it's too grue-some.

Another Traveling Salesman Joke

Back at the beginning of 1930, there was a traveling salesman who vowed to sell his product in every state in the country. He started in Maine and worked his way across all the northern states. He was so good at selling that he never had to pay for a hotel room. He always could talk people into putt...

I was walking across the road and someone opened their window and threw a block of cheddar at me

I thought to my self,
“Well that wasn’t very mature.”

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I can never go back

A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his
help to revive her man's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy.

"He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem" replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coff...

I was in the supermarket the other day when this guy threw a block of cheddar at me.

Outraged, I shouted : "Well that's not very mature is it ?"

I met Jeffrey Epstein once. It was only a brief interaction, but I can recall that I offered him some cheddar cheese and he didn't like it.

I think it was too mature for him.

Steve likes Flowers

Every week, he goes to a different florist in his city, and buys a different kind of flower, trying to find what looks and smells best. On this occasion, however, he struggles to find one that fits his vibe for the week. Seeing his struggle, the young florist walks up.

"Hi!" She says with a ...

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The pregnant lady and the serial killer.

Once, a lady pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when suddenly a man wearing a black mask and a hood came up to her and shot 3 bullets in her stomach.

She was rushed to the hospital by a witness while the culprit fled the scene. Miraculously, they all survived, but the babies ...

women vs men

Women are so difficult. Always changing their minds...,

At 18, they want handsome men.

At 25, they want mature men.

At 30, they want successful men.

At 40, they want established men.

At 50, they want faithful men.

At ...

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

A kid threw a chunk of cheddar at me today

I didn't think that was very mature.

Fortunately, it wasn't sharp.

Went for walk yesterday and a bloke threw a lump of cheese at me.

I thought to myself, well that's not very mature.

Some young women are like bottles of wine

They need to be tended to carefully and given time to mature, which is why I keep a few in my cellar.

Alternative

Dad, what is an *alternative*?

That's a tough one, son. I'll have to explain it by example.

Say, you use your savings to buy a few chickens. But you don't eat them for dinner, you wait until they mature into hens and roosters. They mate and voila, you've got dozens of fresh eggs. But.....

I’ve only met a few people with birthdays on leap year day.

They were all mature for their age.

Somone hit me with a block of cheese yesterday

I turnt arround and said 'That was mature wasn't it? '

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Best joke I have heard in a few months... let's see if I can do it justice!

A guy enters a Halloween party just in his pants.

Guy 1: what are you dressed as?
Guy 2: I came as pre mature ejaculation!
Guy 1: okay? Why don't you have a shirt or shoes?
Guy 2: well, I just came in my pants!

The Bee Joke

Once, there was a bee who lived in a very complex bee hive. All the bees residing in this hive lived very happily with their own tasks and aspirations. However, this particular bee, named Bart, was quite special. He was an incredibly intelligent bee who matured and learned far faster than his bee pe...

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Little Johnny was in a class when his teacher told them to name a noun from each letter of the alphabet.

"Let's start with A," she said

Immediately, Little Johnny raised his hand, "Oooh teacher! Me! Me!"

Now, Little Johnny was a known troublemaker and all the teachers know that he had a more mature vocabulary than the rest. As a result, the teacher called Little Suzy instead knowing Littl...

My wife told me I was too immature.

And I told her to get out of my fort.

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A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, get the fuck outta here you damn horse, last time you were here you shit on the floor!" And the horse says "Aw come man, I just want a drink." And the bartender says "Well I just want you to get out!" And the horse says "Yeah, well I fucked your ...

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I like my sex like I like my wine

barely mature and from a secure location under my house.

Too far?

A kangaroo at the zoo kept getting out of his enclosure every night.

Knowing that mature kangaroos could hop very high, the zoo officials replaced the eight-foot fence with a ten-foot fence.

He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.

They tore down the ten-foot fence and put up a fifteen-foot fence.

He was out again the next mornin...

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A situation occurred that called for a penis joke.

but i was unable to think of one, until a few minutes later.


you might say i had, a post-mature ejokulation.


(not sure if NSFW so better safe than sorry, am reddit nub)

Three vampires were arguing who is the strongest among them.

So they decided to test their strength practically.

The first vampire, being the young blood got up and said "I'm the strongest and I'll prove it". He stood up and flew very fast out of the window. A while later he came back with his mouth covered in blood. He arrogantly said "You guys see th...

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A beautiful message

An antique quote says "Those who plant Tamarinds, shall not reap those Tamarinds" Thats because normally a Tamarind plant lasts 40-50 years to mature and be able to be reaped.

One time a child found an old man farmer planting a Tamarind tree and asked "Grandpa, Why are you planting a Tamarind...

What Austrian girls and wine have in common?

Both mature in a cellar.

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Having a threesome with a mom and daughter

So it was Saturday night and I had no date and decided to drop in at the bar to get drunk and hopefully a girl to get laid with. As I started downing a few shots I noticed this hot looking mature lady ( must be in her 50s) sitting all alone at a corner table getting drunk and this thought came to m...

My husband cheated

I caught my husband cheating. I'm not going to lie, I didn't handle it in the most mature way possible. I threw an iron at him and took quite a bit of money from him.

Then later we had a heart to heart and decided never to play Monopoly again. Lesson learned.

My friend sneaked up behind me, and hit me over the head with a block of cheese

I said “Oh that’s very mature.”

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Little Johnny

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words, she thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more that one syllable.
Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?
After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday.
Great J...

What's the biggest difference between men and investment bonds?

Bonds mature.

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