I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

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Do you know how you can tell that women mature faster than men?

Men don't grow boobs until they turn 40.

(Credit goes to the old guy who made me chuckle today at work)

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What do sea turtles have in common with mature Redditors?

They both have human shits getting in their face.

If abortion is such a mature subject,

why does it bring out people's inner child?

My girlfriend this I'm very mature. But she thinks I'm incapable of being faithful.

My wife, on the otherhand...

If you adults are so mature then stop making school shooting jokes.

They're directed at a younger audiance

(PLS don't get offended)

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I wasn't sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting...

so I just came in my pants.

Steve likes Flowers

Every week, he goes to a different florist in his city, and buys a different kind of flower, trying to find what looks and smells best. On this occasion, however, he struggles to find one that fits his vibe for the week. Seeing his struggle, the young florist walks up.

"Hi!" She says with a ...

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom she's missed her period...

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom
that she has missed her period for two
months. Very worried, the mother goes
to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy
kit. The test result shows that the girl is
pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the
mother says, "Who was the pig that did...

I always wait for my Dad jokes to mature.

That way they’re full groan.

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The Mature Lady

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't hav...

I think Ryan Gosling is mature enough now...

for us to call him Ryan Goose.

A pun isn’t fully matured until it’s...

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Full groan.

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I went to a party of pre-mature ejaculators

I left early...

I was in the supermarket the other day when this guy threw a block of cheddar at me.

Outraged, I shouted : "Well that's not very mature is it ?"

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2 guys were walking down the street.

Guy 1: Guess what?

Guy 2: What?

Guy 1: Chicken butt.

Guy 2: John, you’re 22. You need to be more mature.

Guy 1: Ok. Guess what?

Guy 2: What did I just say?

Guy 1: To be more mature. Now guess what.

Guy 2: What.

Guy 1: Chicken ass.

I was walking home and somebody threw a block of cheese at my head

It wasn't very mature.

women vs men

Women are so difficult. Always changing their minds...,

At 18, they want handsome men.

At 25, they want mature men.

At 30, they want successful men.

At 40, they want established men.

At 50, they want faithful men.

At ...

Why Did everyone gravitate towards the mature calf?

He was like a bull.

People keep telling me I'm mature for my age

I don't really feel like I am, but I guess I must brie

Went for walk yesterday and a bloke threw a lump of cheese at me.

I thought to myself, well that's not very mature.

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How can you tell if you have a mature or an immature sense of humor?

poop.

I noticed that I am quite a mature person, ever since I stopped making indirect comments about others.

Unlike some others that I know.

My girlfriend just asked how mature I was on a scale of 1 to 100..

..apparently 69 was not the correct answer.

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Little Johnny was in a class when his teacher told them to name a noun from each letter of the alphabet.

"Let's start with A," she said

Immediately, Little Johnny raised his hand, "Oooh teacher! Me! Me!"

Now, Little Johnny was a known troublemaker and all the teachers know that he had a more mature vocabulary than the rest. As a result, the teacher called Little Suzy instead knowing Littl...

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I can never go back

A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his
help to revive her man's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy.

"He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem" replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coff...

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At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

TEXTING for over 70s,The kids have all their little SMS codes, like BFF, WTF, LOL etc. So here are some codes for the more mature...

ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To? ...

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What does a mature women have between her breast that a young women doesn’t?

A bellybutton

Need some help creating fake certifications

Apologies if this isn't a good sub to post a request like this. Happy to pull it down.

My coworker has been taking a lot of short online certification courses. Every day he finishes a new course, prints out the certificate of completion and proudly hangs the certificate up on his wall. He's ...

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A man was having pre-mature ejaculation problems...

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were ha...

What do you call a pre-maturely born Chinese boy?

Sudden Lee

I met Jeffrey Epstein once. It was only a brief interaction, but I can recall that I offered him some cheddar cheese and he didn't like it.

I think it was too mature for him.

The great thing about Reddit and internet forums is that they're ageless. As long as teenagers act mature and adults act immature.

And if you don't agree you're stupid.

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Emotion Party (rated M for mature themes)

Jim wanted to spice things up for his 25th birthday party and decided that it should be an Emotion Party. He instructed his guests to come dressed as an emotion.

The first guest to arrive was dressed in green and snarled at Jim.

"I've come as Envy!" the guest declared.

The sec...

Somone hit me with a block of cheese yesterday

I turnt arround and said 'That was mature wasn't it? '

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A man with pre-mature ejaculation goes to the doctors ...

And saids: "Doc, I have a serious problem ... I suffer from pre-mature ejaculation .... "
The doctor said: "Fuck"
And the man starts shaking saying: "Uuuh ooh"

Why is the new Zork game rated M for mature??

I guess it's too grue-some.

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I am holding a pre-mature ejaculation club meeting next week

Needless to say, You need to come early

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The pregnant lady and the serial killer.

Once, a lady pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when suddenly a man wearing a black mask and a hood came up to her and shot 3 bullets in her stomach.

She was rushed to the hospital by a witness while the culprit fled the scene. Miraculously, they all survived, but the babies ...

Three vampires were arguing who is the strongest among them.

So they decided to test their strength practically.

The first vampire, being the young blood got up and said "I'm the strongest and I'll prove it". He stood up and flew very fast out of the window. A while later he came back with his mouth covered in blood. He arrogantly said "You guys see th...

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A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, get the fuck outta here you damn horse, last time you were here you shit on the floor!" And the horse says "Aw come man, I just want a drink." And the bartender says "Well I just want you to get out!" And the horse says "Yeah, well I fucked your ...

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A beautiful message

An antique quote says "Those who plant Tamarinds, shall not reap those Tamarinds" Thats because normally a Tamarind plant lasts 40-50 years to mature and be able to be reaped.

One time a child found an old man farmer planting a Tamarind tree and asked "Grandpa, Why are you planting a Tamarind...

Do you know the difference between a man and a bond?

The bond matures.

A kangaroo at the zoo kept getting out of his enclosure every night.

Knowing that mature kangaroos could hop very high, the zoo officials replaced the eight-foot fence with a ten-foot fence.

He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.

They tore down the ten-foot fence and put up a fifteen-foot fence.

He was out again the next mornin...

I’ve only met a few people with birthdays on leap year day.

They were all mature for their age.

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

The Bee Joke

Once, there was a bee who lived in a very complex bee hive. All the bees residing in this hive lived very happily with their own tasks and aspirations. However, this particular bee, named Bart, was quite special. He was an incredibly intelligent bee who matured and learned far faster than his bee pe...

My wife told me I was too immature.

And I told her to get out of my fort.

What's the biggest difference between men and investment bonds?

Bonds mature.

A kid threw a chunk of cheddar at me today

I didn't think that was very mature.

Fortunately, it wasn't sharp.

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A guy shows up to a Halloween party...

No shoes, shirt, socks...

The hosts asks: what are you supposed to be?

A pre-mature ejaculation. I just came in my pants.

My friend sneaked up behind me, and hit me over the head with a block of cheese

I said “Oh that’s very mature.”

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Little Johnny

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words, she thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more that one syllable.
Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?
After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday.
Great J...

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I like my sex like I like my wine

barely mature and from a secure location under my house.

Too far?

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Best joke I have heard in a few months... let's see if I can do it justice!

A guy enters a Halloween party just in his pants.

Guy 1: what are you dressed as?
Guy 2: I came as pre mature ejaculation!
Guy 1: okay? Why don't you have a shirt or shoes?
Guy 2: well, I just came in my pants!

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A situation occurred that called for a penis joke.

but i was unable to think of one, until a few minutes later.


you might say i had, a post-mature ejokulation.


(not sure if NSFW so better safe than sorry, am reddit nub)

My husband cheated

I caught my husband cheating. I'm not going to lie, I didn't handle it in the most mature way possible. I threw an iron at him and took quite a bit of money from him.

Then later we had a heart to heart and decided never to play Monopoly again. Lesson learned.

When’s the best time for a paedophilia joke?

Before it fully matures.

Don't show Das Kapital to the young 'uns

M for mature

Adult content

R-rated

X-rated

Some young women are like bottles of wine

They need to be tended to carefully and given time to mature, which is why I keep a few in my cellar.

What's the difference between a drama student and a government savings bond?

The government savings bond eventually matures and earns money.

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The Date Tree

As some of our biologically-inclined friends on her might know, the date tree is a plant that takes about 90 years to mature and begin producing fruit, meaning the original planter of the tree (realistically) does not get to see the tree bear the fruits of his labor.

One day, a wise old monk ...

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You know you can fit 63 Earths in Uranus.

I don't think I'll ever be mature enough to not laugh at that.

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Veteran Wine Taster

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. He posted a sign at the entrance to the building... EXPERIENCED WINE TASTER NEEDED --POSITION STARTS IMMEDIATELY.

A retired veteran named "Ace," drunk and with a ragged dirty look a...

What Austrian girls and wine have in common?

Both mature in a cellar.

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Having a threesome with a mom and daughter

So it was Saturday night and I had no date and decided to drop in at the bar to get drunk and hopefully a girl to get laid with. As I started downing a few shots I noticed this hot looking mature lady ( must be in her 50s) sitting all alone at a corner table getting drunk and this thought came to m...

Favorite color

me: How are you

her: I'm fine

me: So what's your favorite colour?

her: Ohh please stop asking stupid
questions. Ask me something logical
and matured.

me: How many moles of Sodium
bicarbonate are needed to neutralise
0.8 ml of Sulphuric Acid at STP...

he...

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