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Mature Jokes

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I wasn't sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting...

so I just came in my pants.

On a scale of 1-100, how mature are you?

69

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I..

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

If abortion is such a mature subject,

why does it bring out people's inner child?

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How can you tell if you have a mature or an immature sense of humor?

poop.

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? ... Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.... Older Woman: Oh, I see. ... Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: You don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and...

It's a good thing we grow out of things as we mature...

Baby clothes would look ridiculous on me.

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I find my tastes in porn have matured with age.

I am now into current lower back problems.

It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature

Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password

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I don't have any jokes about pre-mature ejaculation

But, I hear they're coming quickly

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Pre-mature Ejaculation is an inherited disorder

it comes in your genes.

I think Ryan Gosling is mature enough now...

for us to call him Ryan Goose.

How does cheese get more mature?

Fromage

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Why is a Geiger counter like mature porn?

You get a lot of clicks when your junk's decaying.

A pun isn’t fully matured until it’s...

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Full groan.

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What do sea turtles have in common with mature Redditors?

They both have human shits getting in their face.

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I went to a party of pre-mature ejaculators

I left early...

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At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

I always wait for my Dad jokes to mature.

That way they’re full groan.

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

What do you call a dating service connecting young men with mature women?

Oedipal Arrangements

Why Did everyone gravitate towards the mature calf?

He was like a bull.

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A man was having pre-mature ejaculation problems...

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were ha...

My girlfriend just asked how mature I was on a scale of 1 to 100..

..apparently 69 was not the correct answer.

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Do you know how you can tell that women mature faster than men?

Men don't grow boobs until they turn 40.

(Credit goes to the old guy who made me chuckle today at work)

Bread is not emotionally mature enough to have threesomes

When you spread your nuts all over one slice, the other gets jelly.

What do you call a pre-maturely born Chinese boy?

Sudden Lee

People keep telling me I'm mature for my age

I don't really feel like I am, but I guess I must brie

I received a wedding invitation from a college classmate. In college we were on bad terms, but it seems he’s matured now. I was feeling nostalgic, but when I looked closely at the card it read…

Please circle one.

\- Will not attend

\- Will be absent

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

My girlfriend this I'm very mature. But she thinks I'm incapable of being faithful.

My wife, on the otherhand...

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20 Truths For Mature Humans

http://nookbank.com/jokes

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap ...

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Emotion Party (rated M for mature themes)

Jim wanted to spice things up for his 25th birthday party and decided that it should be an Emotion Party. He instructed his guests to come dressed as an emotion.

The first guest to arrive was dressed in green and snarled at Jim.

"I've come as Envy!" the guest declared.

The sec...

I noticed that I am quite a mature person, ever since I stopped making indirect comments about others.

Unlike some others that I know.

There I was at the supermarket, minding my own business, when a man out of nowhere came up and threw a whole block of cheese at me!

Real mature.

The psychologist said that children at a certain mental age believe that everybody knows what they’re thinking.

He used a doll to prove his point.

He placed a crayon box filled with candles on the table in front of the child. He then asked the child what was in the box. Of course the child answered crayons.

Then the psychologist opened the box to show the child that the box contained not cray...

Some young women are like bottles of wine

They need to be tended to carefully and given time to mature, which is why I keep a few in my cellar.

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I am holding a pre-mature ejaculation club meeting next week

Needless to say, You need to come early

What's the difference between a musician and a savings account?

One eventually matures and starts to make money...

I met Jeffrey Epstein once. It was only a brief interaction, but I can recall that I offered him some cheddar cheese and he didn't like it.

I think it was too mature for him.

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I can never go back

A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his
help to revive her man's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy.

"He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem" replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coff...

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'Sex' and 'Love' ....;)

At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

The woman wrote:
When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and they respect each other very much, just like my hubby and I, it is spirit...

I was walking home last night and someone threw a block of cheese out the window and it hit me on the head...

I turned and shouted "That wasn't very mature was it?"

I was in the supermarket the other day when this guy threw a block of cheddar at me.

Outraged, I shouted : "Well that's not very mature is it ?"

I’ve only met a few people with birthdays on leap year day.

They were all mature for their age.

What Austrian girls and wine have in common?

Both mature in a cellar.

Alternative

Dad, what is an *alternative*?

That's a tough one, son. I'll have to explain it by example.

Say, you use your savings to buy a few chickens. But you don't eat them for dinner, you wait until they mature into hens and roosters. They mate and voila, you've got dozens of fresh eggs. But.....

Went for walk yesterday and a bloke threw a lump of cheese at me.

I thought to myself, well that's not very mature.

Somone hit me with a block of cheese yesterday

I turnt arround and said 'That was mature wasn't it? '

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A situation occurred that called for a penis joke.

but i was unable to think of one, until a few minutes later.


you might say i had, a post-mature ejokulation.


(not sure if NSFW so better safe than sorry, am reddit nub)

My friend sneaked up behind me, and hit me over the head with a block of cheese

I said “Oh that’s very mature.”

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You know you can fit 63 Earths in Uranus.

I don't think I'll ever be mature enough to not laugh at that.

Little Johnny goes to school one day.

As a 3rd grader, the day is pretty uneventful. However, when he takes a break for recess, he sees all of the kids gathered in a circle around his best friend Jimmy.

Wanting to see what all of the fuss is about, he pushes his was through, and sees he friend standing there proudly with his shi...

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I like my sex like I like my wine

barely mature and from a secure location under my house.

Too far?

What's the biggest difference between men and investment bonds?

Bonds mature.

Don't show Das Kapital to the young 'uns

M for mature

Adult content

R-rated

X-rated

When’s the best time for a paedophilia joke?

Before it fully matures.

My husband cheated

I caught my husband cheating. I'm not going to lie, I didn't handle it in the most mature way possible. I threw an iron at him and took quite a bit of money from him.

Then later we had a heart to heart and decided never to play Monopoly again. Lesson learned.

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Having a threesome with a mom and daughter

So it was Saturday night and I had no date and decided to drop in at the bar to get drunk and hopefully a girl to get laid with. As I started downing a few shots I noticed this hot looking mature lady ( must be in her 50s) sitting all alone at a corner table getting drunk and this thought came to m...

What's the difference between a drummer and publicly traded stock?

Publicly traded stock will mature and make money.

Do you know the difference between a government bond and a man?

The bond matures.

Saw in American Dad

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Two guys go on a Moose Hunt

They are out in the woods on the first day of the hunt and see a big mature bull moose, after attempting some moose calls for what seemed like forever they eventually went back to camp feeling a little down. So the next day they go back out and try to find this bull moose. After walking around the w...

I was walking down the street one day..

and a man threw a bit of cheese at my head, i turned to him and said; 'oh, real mature mate'.

A winery is looking for a taster and so the vintner puts an ad out in the paper.

The next day, a man arrives at the office. He has greasy hair and a five o'clock shadow, he's wearing a filthy jacket and torn jeans, he obviously hasn't had a shower since Christ was crucified, and he smells strongly of stale tobacco smoke and cheap beer. The vintner sees the man's obviously a ho...

What's the difference between a bond and a teenage girl

A bond will actually mature

A brilliant scientist successfully creates a lifelike deer cyborg.

Dr. Holmes, after many years of biotechnological research, finally succeeded in his secret project, using funds diverted from his research grant. Because the project needed to be kept off the records, Dr. Holmes kept the deer at home.

The cyborg would grow and develop just as a normal fawn wo...

women vs men

Women are so difficult. Always changing their minds...,

At 18, they want handsome men.

At 25, they want mature men.

At 30, they want successful men.

At 40, they want established men.

At 50, they want faithful men.

At ...

I like my girls like I like my coffee...

Fresh, not matured, and sold from a shady part of South America.

Whats the difference between a hippie and a mutual fund.

Eventually a mutual fund matures and gains profit

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