If abortion is such a mature subject,

why does it bring out people's inner child?

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I wasn't sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting...

so I just came in my pants.

What do you call a mature dad joke?

Fully groan

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite, I'm perfect!

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

I was walking in the street the other day and a man threw a block of cheese at me

I said to him 'That's mature'

Then he threw a pint of milk at me and I thought, How dairy.

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I went to a party of pre-mature ejaculators

I left early...

I think Ryan Gosling is mature enough now...

for us to call him Ryan Goose.

Why Did everyone gravitate towards the mature calf?

He was like a bull.

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I can never go back

A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his
help to revive her man's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy.

"He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem" replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coff...

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The Mature Lady

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't hav...

A pun isn’t fully matured until it’s...

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Full groan.

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

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At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

I noticed that I am quite a mature person, ever since I stopped making indirect comments about others.

Unlike some others that I know.

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How can you tell if you have a mature or an immature sense of humor?

poop.

Need some help creating fake certifications

Apologies if this isn't a good sub to post a request like this. Happy to pull it down.

My coworker has been taking a lot of short online certification courses. Every day he finishes a new course, prints out the certificate of completion and proudly hangs the certificate up on his wall. He's ...

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What does a mature women have between her breast that a young women doesn’t?

A bellybutton

How does cheese get more mature?

Fromage

People keep telling me I'm mature for my age

I don't really feel like I am, but I guess I must brie

My girlfriend just asked how mature I was on a scale of 1 to 100..

..apparently 69 was not the correct answer.

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A man was having pre-mature ejaculation problems...

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were ha...

The great thing about Reddit and internet forums is that they're ageless. As long as teenagers act mature and adults act immature.

And if you don't agree you're stupid.

Somone hit me with a block of cheese yesterday

I turnt arround and said 'That was mature wasn't it? '

I met Jeffrey Epstein once. It was only a brief interaction, but I can recall that I offered him some cheddar cheese and he didn't like it.

I think it was too mature for him.

Why is the new Zork game rated M for mature??

I guess it's too grue-some.

I was walking home last night and someone threw a block of cheese out the window and it hit me on the head...

I turned and shouted "That wasn't very mature was it?"

What do you call a pre-maturely born Chinese boy?

Sudden Lee

Three vampires were arguing who is the strongest among them.

So they decided to test their strength practically.

The first vampire, being the young blood got up and said "I'm the strongest and I'll prove it". He stood up and flew very fast out of the window. A while later he came back with his mouth covered in blood. He arrogantly said "You guys see th...

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20 Truths For Mature Humans

http://nookbank.com/jokes

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap ...

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A beautiful message

An antique quote says "Those who plant Tamarinds, shall not reap those Tamarinds" Thats because normally a Tamarind plant lasts 40-50 years to mature and be able to be reaped.

One time a child found an old man farmer planting a Tamarind tree and asked "Grandpa, Why are you planting a Tamarind...

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Emotion Party (rated M for mature themes)

Jim wanted to spice things up for his 25th birthday party and decided that it should be an Emotion Party. He instructed his guests to come dressed as an emotion.

The first guest to arrive was dressed in green and snarled at Jim.

"I've come as Envy!" the guest declared.

The sec...

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A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, get the fuck outta here you damn horse, last time you were here you shit on the floor!" And the horse says "Aw come man, I just want a drink." And the bartender says "Well I just want you to get out!" And the horse says "Yeah, well I fucked your ...

A kid threw a lump of cheddar at me.

I thought "that's not very mature".

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The pregnant lady and the serial killer.

Once, a lady pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when suddenly a man wearing a black mask and a hood came up to her and shot 3 bullets in her stomach.

She was rushed to the hospital by a witness while the culprit fled the scene. Miraculously, they all survived, but the babies ...

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A man with pre-mature ejaculation goes to the doctors ...

And saids: "Doc, I have a serious problem ... I suffer from pre-mature ejaculation .... "
The doctor said: "Fuck"
And the man starts shaking saying: "Uuuh ooh"

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I am holding a pre-mature ejaculation club meeting next week

Needless to say, You need to come early

Do you know the difference between a man and a bond?

The bond matures.

A kangaroo at the zoo kept getting out of his enclosure every night.

Knowing that mature kangaroos could hop very high, the zoo officials replaced the eight-foot fence with a ten-foot fence.

He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.

They tore down the ten-foot fence and put up a fifteen-foot fence.

He was out again the next mornin...

The Bee Joke

Once, there was a bee who lived in a very complex bee hive. All the bees residing in this hive lived very happily with their own tasks and aspirations. However, this particular bee, named Bart, was quite special. He was an incredibly intelligent bee who matured and learned far faster than his bee pe...

What's the biggest difference between men and investment bonds?

Bonds mature.

What's the difference between a rafting guide and a mutual fund?

A mutual fund eventually matures and starts making money

I’ve only met a few people with birthdays on leap year day.

They were all mature for their age.

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

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Little Johnny

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words, she thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more that one syllable.
Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?
After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday.
Great J...

My friend sneaked up behind me, and hit me over the head with a block of cheese

I said “Oh that’s very mature.”

My wife told me I was too immature.

And I told her to get out of my fort.

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A guy shows up to a Halloween party...

No shoes, shirt, socks...

The hosts asks: what are you supposed to be?

A pre-mature ejaculation. I just came in my pants.

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I like my sex like I like my wine

barely mature and from a secure location under my house.

Too far?

After all these years, I finally decided to come out to my parents.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and after much soul-searching, I think I’m finally mature enough to let them know I’m not exactly who they think I am. It’s time they found out I was adopted.

When’s the best time for a paedophilia joke?

Before it fully matures.

Don't show Das Kapital to the young 'uns

M for mature

Adult content

R-rated

X-rated

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A situation occurred that called for a penis joke.

but i was unable to think of one, until a few minutes later.


you might say i had, a post-mature ejokulation.


(not sure if NSFW so better safe than sorry, am reddit nub)

My husband cheated

I caught my husband cheating. I'm not going to lie, I didn't handle it in the most mature way possible. I threw an iron at him and took quite a bit of money from him.

Then later we had a heart to heart and decided never to play Monopoly again. Lesson learned.

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Best joke I have heard in a few months... let's see if I can do it justice!

A guy enters a Halloween party just in his pants.

Guy 1: what are you dressed as?
Guy 2: I came as pre mature ejaculation!
Guy 1: okay? Why don't you have a shirt or shoes?
Guy 2: well, I just came in my pants!

A kid threw a chunk of cheddar at me today

I didn't think that was very mature.

Fortunately, it wasn't sharp.

What's the difference between a drama student and a government savings bond?

The government savings bond eventually matures and earns money.

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The Date Tree

As some of our biologically-inclined friends on her might know, the date tree is a plant that takes about 90 years to mature and begin producing fruit, meaning the original planter of the tree (realistically) does not get to see the tree bear the fruits of his labor.

One day, a wise old monk ...

Some young women are like bottles of wine

They need to be tended to carefully and given time to mature, which is why I keep a few in my cellar.

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Veteran Wine Taster

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. He posted a sign at the entrance to the building... EXPERIENCED WINE TASTER NEEDED --POSITION STARTS IMMEDIATELY.

A retired veteran named "Ace," drunk and with a ragged dirty look a...

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You know you can fit 63 Earths in Uranus.

I don't think I'll ever be mature enough to not laugh at that.

What Austrian girls and wine have in common?

Both mature in a cellar.

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Having a threesome with a mom and daughter

So it was Saturday night and I had no date and decided to drop in at the bar to get drunk and hopefully a girl to get laid with. As I started downing a few shots I noticed this hot looking mature lady ( must be in her 50s) sitting all alone at a corner table getting drunk and this thought came to m...

Favorite color

me: How are you

her: I'm fine

me: So what's your favorite colour?

her: Ohh please stop asking stupid
questions. Ask me something logical
and matured.

me: How many moles of Sodium
bicarbonate are needed to neutralise
0.8 ml of Sulphuric Acid at STP...

he...

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DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Names
===========
If Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice go out for lunch, they will call each other Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice.
If Fred, Luke, Bradley, and Jeff go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Eating Out
===========...

A winery is looking for a taster and so the vintner puts an ad out in the paper.

The next day, a man arrives at the office. He has greasy hair and a five o'clock shadow, he's wearing a filthy jacket and torn jeans, he obviously hasn't had a shower since Christ was crucified, and he smells strongly of stale tobacco smoke and cheap beer. The vintner sees the man's obviously a ho...

I woke up at the Asscrack of Dawn, and it smelled.

Turns out my neighbor Dawn sometimes farts in her sleep.


(I am a mature man with a steady income)

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Ms. Nugent, a retired widow went to the beach wearing a bra and thong.

Her husband had died a few years back and after years of mourning she decided it was time to get back in the game. And what better way than to go to the beach in a racy, sexy swimsuit to snag a man. In her youth, this plan never seemed to fail although in that time, they didn't have thongs.

A...

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Billy the Peanut

One day lil Johnny comes running into the kitchen from playing outside and he's screams out "Mommy! Mommy! Billy's penis is like a peanut!"

The Mother is a bit flustered and startled at the comment but quickly regains her composure and says "Oh that's ok Johnny, you're both little boys, you'l...

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An 15 year old girl got pregnant.

After few days she told her mother about it.

Mother: "WHO IS THE FATHER? CALL THAT SON OF A BITCH NOW".

30 minutes later, a Rolls Royce Phantom stops in front of their house.

A matured grey haired man in a very expensive suit steps out.

Man: "I am sorry for the situation....

Three brothers, named Dante, Buddy, and Tyler each decided to get their dad a special birthday present

Three brothers, named Dante, Buddy, and Tyler each decided to get their dad a special birthday present.

Dante bragged, "Since Dad likes to golf, I'm going to to get him a set of golf bags for the old man."

Buddy said, "You know how Dad loves to go bird hunting? I've decided to get him...

What's the difference between a drummer and publicly traded stock?

Publicly traded stock will mature and make money.

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[long] I met a girl online a few weeks ago...

and things were going GREAT. I've never enjoyed chatting with anyone more in my entire life. Shared interests, movies, music, shows, the whole 9 yards.

A week after we first met online, she reveals something to me. She's only 14 years old. Now, I'm over the age of majority, but when I think a...

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